Episode 5 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

COMPUTERISED VOICE: 'You have selected passport photo size.

'Please face the front.'

'The other front.'

'Please relax and avoid smiling when the photo is being taken.

'No. Please avoid smiling.

'Please, don't do that either.

'Look, just pull a normal face.

'Perfect.'

And we're joined now by our Political Editor Nick Robinson.

So, worrying times at Number Ten, Nick.

That's right, Fiona. Conflict in the Middle East, famine in Africa,

pestilence and death in South America.

But all eyes are on the building behind me

where the Prime Minister and his new cabinet

are facing problems of truly Biblical proportions.

They may need a miracle. Will they get one?

Only time will tell.

KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

This week, I, er, look at the Tower of London. Is a tower.

Is in London. Tower in London. Simple.

This, er, not so simple.

This a beefeater. But he no eat the beef.

So what he do for a living? The pantomime?

No. He a English soldier. I'm not joking.

Now he guard the most precious crown jewels.

Very important, er, job.

And they give it to a crazy man. Crazy in the coconut.

Like making John Terry Captain of England.

My best idea? Well, of course, when it started raining,

it was me that told Noah to build the boat.

Why don't we actually bake Alaska?

Hand bags, shoulder bags.

Obvious gap in the market - elbow bags.

A breakfast show that starts at 2pm, so I can have a lie-in.

Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I really can't.

I've like only gone and got my own drink!

They always said I've so much energy, I should bottle it. And now I have!

The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's fizzy!

It just keeps you going and going,

and then, you have another sip and go and go some more.

'It's like perfect if you need a kick

'before delivering that super important work presentation.'

Right, what's going to happen is three-fold profitability...

-HE SPEAKS VERY FAST

-..it'll be fantastic!

So, if you want to be more like Stacey Solomon,

well, now you can with my amazing new energy drink.

The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's so bubbly!

Just like me.

Hello and welcome to 30 Second Makeover with me, Nick Knowles.

Now, today, we are here in Leytonstone,

where we shall be helping Denise to tart up her maisonette for sale.

-Hello, Denise.

-Hi.

-Say hello to our makeover team. Say hello, Nigel.

-Hello, Nigel.

-Ha-ha! We have such a laugh! We really, really do.

OK, sweetheart, off you go. Leave it to the experts, eh?

-Now, team, are you ready?

-Hmm.

-Yeah, all right.

Yes, we are ready. Can we have 30 seconds on the clock, please, now?

-Let the magic begin!

-KLAXON BLARES

And so straight into it there.

The pizza box into the bin bag, the cushions re-poufed,

a nice touch removing the clutter from the mantelpiece.

Keep going and get that dust off the TV

and there goes the knickers discovered on the sofa.

A bit of air freshener work going on there.

Just time for the all-important finishing touch, of course,

-the flowers on the coffee table.

-KLAXON BLARES

And there we go, um...

Quite amazing. Can I just say, this truly, for me, has been one of

the most amazing transformations I have ever been involved in.

Er, Denise, if we can bring in Denise here.

Prepare to be blown away, Denise. Behold your brand-new flat.

Take a look at that.

Um...

-Denise is happy. We are happy. Nigel, a cup of tea?

-Love one.

Yeah, me too. Make us one while you're at it.

Ha-ha! We have such a laugh...

The headlines tonight. The Government said today

it would press ahead with banking reforms including

the mandatory wearing of clown suits for all chief executives.

And doctors say that as little as half an hour's exercise a day

can significantly increase your chances

of being the most boring person to sit next to at a dinner party.

But first this...

Hello. If you're watching this,

it means that, A - you've successfully negotiated

the proverbial minefield that is the interweb.

Well done!

And B - my new website is working.

Glad something in London is! Bwah!

This is my Bike Safety Course.

BELL RINGS Now, first things first. Equipment.

What would the cycling experience be like without the trusty helmet?

< CRASH! Much more fun!

And, anyway, a veritable haystack of shock-absorbing hair

probably does the job just as well. HORN TOOTS

Pedestrian, do keep out of my way. Vermin!

Next, when mounted upon your velocipede,

it is of course crucial that you are spotted by other road users,

but not spotted by the paparazzi.

To which end, yours truly, with great perspicacity,

came up with this ingenious solution.

There, that should do the trick. Bwah!

Coming through! I have right of way over civilians.

If you see this sign, it means, "Cycle in either direction."

-BELL RINGS

-Oi, watch out!

-Oiks!

This, of course, means, "Enter at will."

HORN TOOTS Get out of the way, peasants!

BELL RINGS Agh!

Finally, when on your velocipede, do try to keep your speed to a minimum.

I find it helps to be horrendously unfit and out of shape.

HE PANTS AND COUGHS

That's quite enough of this caper. Taxi! Taxi!

Over here. Amuse me with some gently racist banter.

-ON RADIO: 'Wild 96 seven.

-# Wild 96 seven! #

'Wild 96 seven. Stay locked with us.

'Later, your chance to win a drain pipe brush fashioned

'out of British pop mogul Simon Cowell's hair.

'Stay with us for that and the finance news

'with our very own Leighton Buzzard right after this.'

And speak.

Simon, we've got a little problem with Nicole.

OK. What is it this time?

Her robot walk, her robot voice, her robot hair?

We rebooted her last week.

Not that. The network have a problem with her name.

-Shoozlebert.

-Shinger?

-Sham-zam?

-Sham-zam-zammer?

-Sham-shim? Sham...?

-Shooby-doo-wop?

-It's impossible to pronounce!

Is that it?

Well, this is why I always carry one of these.

THEY SNEEZE

-BOTH: Scherzinger!

-I think you've got it.

A statutory retirement age for monarchs.

On holiday in the Galapagos Islands,

I found a new species and named it after myself.

It's the Mary Portas Hairy Tortoise!

No, no, no, no, no. I don't do the ideas.

Other people do the ideas, I do the patronising.

England is a, er, very strange place.

They've got a big empire,

but they have a soldier who dress up like a lady.

Is a very confuse. So I ask important man in London.

Er, maybe he help. He the King.

This are the King. But he no have the crown.

He have the suit made out of very lot of buttons.

I think maybe this king been hit very bad by a recession.

But maybe he can tell us about, er, what we have seen.

Oh! I should cocoa, me old China.

Now, if I was to be a Barnaby, I'd say Adam and Eve

that the barney you're having is cos you ain't read your Captain Cooks.

I mean, use yer loaf, son!

Well, he make a lot more sense than the England of footballers.

Next week, I look at Stonehenge.

It's, er... English Legoland for giants.

Coming up later, Euthanasia. Does it really save you money in the long run?

And Phil Tufnell will be asking the question -

"Can I get a job on a better show than this?"

-Find out if he can.

-But first, though, this.

-MAN:

-What's Jimmy Carr doing here?

-WOMAN:

-(I don't know.)

And to think, he said he'd never be seen dead in brown.

WOMAN SOBS

At least he's gone to a better place.

He was still living in Dagenham. SHE WAILS

I know how you feel. I buried my mum last week.

She was furious.

At least he lived each day like it was his last.

Although that did mean lying in bed with terrible chest pain.

-SHE CRIES

-Hasn't she been through enough?

You're right. She has suffered enough.

I mean, she had to live with him for years.

I hope you're pleased with yourself!

Come on, if we go, he'll have no audience for his jokes.

Well, this guy,

he loves my gags. See...

He's corpsing.

Too soon?

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH

After six months of marriage,

Prince William and his wife Catherine

are having their first tiff.

I'm joined by Royal Expert Sir William Digby-Bigguns.

Sir William, was this to be expected?

Well, of course, the Prince of Wales famously

had his first marital tiff after about six minutes, so this bust-up

-has been long anticipated.

-I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Sir Digby,

so we can go over live to the Royal residence.

And, yes, there we have it - the unmistakable signs of a bust-up.

And very soon, we should be witnessing the fly-past.

Yes, there it is. I can confirm some crockery is airborne.

SLOW SCOTTISH ACCENT: We leave the wild coastal district of Ayr

and find ourselves on the peninsula of Barrow-in-Furness.

And a traditional English fish and chip shop.

Let's take a wee look inside.

And I cannae believe what I'm seeing here.

They have stolen our proud tradition of the deep-fried Mars bar.

That is Scottish food that should be hardening Scottish arteries

and causing complaints in Scottish intestines!

Well, I say it stops right now!

I am liberating that deep-fried Mars bar in the name of Sir Sean Connery.

Charge!

'I love it. It's really sweet of you, much appreciated.'

Thank you so much. How very clever of you.

Throw this hideous piece of tat in the charity bag, David.

It's an abomination! Don't want to look at it! Don't make me look at it!

My Lady Gaga! We have arrived!

David, we've got royalty at our baby party!

TELEPHONE RINGS

-It's, er, on your, er, right there on your, er...

-Oh!

Silly me!

Hello?

How many times have I got to tell you?

No! I don't want to change my gas and electricity supplier.

Hmm!

-Allow me.

-Thank you.

I must say, I'm a great fan of the ridiculous headgear. I love it.

Likewise, Elton. Likewise.

So...a little present for the little one.

It's by a designer from Smithfields, London, England.

Oh, I love it. A meat babygro.

I love it! That is so classy, that is so inventive.

I just absolutely love it! That's truly amazing.

# Baby Zachary, look what Aunty Lady Gaga's got brought for you!

# A babygro that's made right out of chicken! #

BABY CRIES

David, hang this up in the oven.

If he's not going to wear it, I'm going eat it.

# Kentucky Fried babygro for dinner! #

Oh, yeah, yeah. I like this. Great big moon post-it notes.

So, if you get an idea at night,

you can stick it on the moon and it'll be there in the morning.

Ooh, wait a minute. No moon in the morning.

You might have to stick it on the sun.

You might want to wear oven gloves for that.

A new quiz show called Get It Right Or Die!

I worked out that my name is an anagram of

"I fart while stag hunting" - it doesn't get better than that.

Well, a very good evening and welcome here to the impressive

Butlin's Fun Dome for this week's edition of Question Time.

And for our first question, I'd like to go to the lady in the middle row.

Sorry, madam, not you - the lady just a little along from you.

The Lady in Red. No, no, not The Woman in White, The Lady In Red.

Nearly. Behind the Girl With The Pearl Earring and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

In front of The Man With The Child In His Eyes,

between The Boy in Striped Pyjamas and The Man in the Iron Mask. If you think it's you, wave! No, no!

Not you! Next to The Man With The Golden Gun!

Oh, my God, I can't believe how much you all like my energy drink!

It's made me so happy that I cried and everyone was like,

"Why are you crying?" and I was like, "It's because I'm so happy!"

And because you all like my energy drink so much,

I've only gone and created a new flavour.

I know! It's like the most exciting flavour ever.

So, without further delay, because I know how busy you all are.

I mean, there's just so much to do in a day and not enough time.

Like I was at my mum's and said... Oh, my God, it was hilarious!

New Stacey Solomon! Now in Tropical Jungle flavour!

Aw. I was going to say that...

Warning! Stacey Solomon Energy Drink will give you the energy of Stacey Solomon.

Do not consume if you plan to have a coherent conversation during the next 24 hours.

..at least I hope they're eyeballs. SHE GIGGLES.

Yes, next to The Spy Who Loved Me.

No, that's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold

between The Cat In The Hat and The Cat On The Hot Tin Roof.

Just to the left of The Girl From Ipanema and The Man From Del Monte.

No, no! Not you, madam, to your left.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Antiques Foodshow,

where our experts have been making exciting finds all day.

Well, I must say, when I first saw this box, I was very excited.

This looks to me like the original packaging

-for what we call in the trade a takeaway pizza.

-That's correct.

-What do you think's inside?

-Well, a pizza, obviously.

And there it is! If I'm not mistaken, a classic pepperoni.

Oh, hang on, some of these pieces aren't original.

-How can you tell?

-Well, these two pieces have pineapple on.

They may have come from a deep-pan Hawaiian.

Yeah, we did have one of them too.

And there is some minor damage just here, and here.

-Can you tell us what happened?

-I picked the pepperoni off.

-Will that affect the value?

I'm afraid so. Has it been in the family a long time?

Yeah, about two weeks. I found it under the bed.

-Totally forgot it was there. It had a pair of pants stuck to it.

-What a touching story.

-May I ask how much you paid for it?

-Nothing. It was free, cos it was late.

Well, the good news is you haven't lost any money.

I'd say, at a late-night auction, full of extremely hungry people,

-you might make £1 or £2.

-As much as that?!

-Would you consider selling it?

-Yeah. The dog licked it.

Well, fascinating stuff.

Now let's see what Delia's found in the China section.

I hear she's very excited about a chicken chow mein,

which may date back to the Ming dynasty. Yummy.

Just next to the red, red robin who's bob-bob-bobbing along.

Yes, madam, you!

Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have time for on Question Time this week.

Do join us next week, when we'll be live

from the magnificently refurbished kebab shop in Bolton City Centre.

Until then, from all of us here, a very good night. Good night.

Coming up on the One Show, Clare Balding will speak to a man

who hasn't worked for 20 years, cos he suffers from chronic laziness.

Plus Dominic Littlewood will be showing you all how to riot

in an environmentally friendly way by using unleaded petrol bombs.

But first, this!

It's been three weeks since my last confession,

and, in that time, I have sinned many times.

STRONG LIVERPOOL ACCENT: You think you've sinned, mate? The other week there was a bloke in our road

wearing a turquoise shell-suit! Now THAT is a sin!

I says to him, "Hey, it's not 1988, mate!"

So anyway, about me?

Never mind about you. What about me? Who'd have thought it?

Me, just an ordinary working-class lad from Liverpool.

Me, John Bishop - a bishop. It's me dream come true!

-What about my sins?

-Never mind about that.

Just say four Hail Marys, a dozen Kajagoogoos

and two Lady Gagas and you shall be all right.

Go on, soft lad, you can get on your way.

Help! My husband's inside the house! Help him!

We'll get him out in a jiffy, love.

If I may? What your hubby needs isn't saving from a fire,

but from a house furnished with the factory-made and the off-the-shelf.

You're in the way, we need to get past.

Your house might have oodles of fire, but it lacks personality.

Something that can be remedied by a little bit of my homespun handiwork.

-My husband!

-You're in the way, we need to get in there.

Not so fast, Fireman Sam, cos Kirstie's here to the rescue.

With a stained-glass window maker - by which I mean a girl I was at boarding school with,

who's married to a banker so doesn't need a proper job -

I've made you...this! What do you think?

-Oh, it's lovely.

-Hmm! The light coming through that will be

sublimely beautiful giving this place the character it needs.

Help! Somebody, please help! The fire's coming into the room!

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, I reckon you'll be all right with this. You don't need us.

Right, see you. Come on, lads, get that rolled up.

See? It doesn't take much for a bit of that personal touch.

Agh!

I think he really loves it!

'Ere! Are you tired of all those boring diets

that make your breath smell like John McCririck's only pair of underpants?

Then it's time you tried the Alan Carr Innuendo Diet.

The diet with plenty of sauce!

Treat yourself to a nice juicy pear,

and nice ripe plums,

and some lovely fat melons!

Ooh!

A big fat sausage.

Ooh, sorry, love!

A tasty bit of breast.

And a roll in the hay.

The Alan Carr Innuendo Diet!

Mine's a man-sized portion of rump!

You've got your tracksuit bottoms and your tracksuit tops.

What about a tracksuit waistcoat to go with it?

Kitchen roll should come with a few sheets of toilet roll,

so that when you've run out of toilet roll, you don't have to use kitchen roll! Brilliant!

I have never had an idea of any kind.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Oh...buying all my furniture

from a doll's house manufacturer made things a lot easier.

Over the past few years, I have visited

some of the most dangerous and violent places on earth

and if there's one thing that these places have in common,

it's a sense of loss -

loss of friends, loss of family, loss of communities.

Today, it's a feeling I share, because...

I have lost my sunglasses.

-Ross, I think they're on your...

-Oi! I'll do the thinking, all right?

They say, when you lose something, you should retrace your steps.

Now, that's fine if you've just been to the shops. It is not fine

if you spend your time hanging around war zones.

I don't mind telling you, retracing my steps

might be the stupidest thing I've ever done.

And that's saying something.

HEAVY GUNFIRE

The last place I remember having them is here -

the secret location during a meet with Ahmed Alfalili,

the Taliban warlord and number two on the UN most wanted list.

'This man rules his people

'with a combination of fear and deadly violence.'

'Nothing happens in these mountain towns without him knowing about it.

'If anyone knows where my sunglasses are, it will be him.'

Excuse me. I mean no disrespect,

but, um, do you know where my sunglasses are?

Yes.

'I'm now in a tricky position.

'He's nicked my sunglasses.

'I probably ought to just let him keep them.

'On the other hand, if he's just found them, he may give them back.'

Please, sir, can you tell me where they are?

Yes, of course.

'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'

ANNOUNCER: 'Time for Weatherview now with Lorraine Kelly.'

Hello, my wee lovelies.

Now, let's take a quick look at this afternoon's weather.

Well, I've got very good news,

because the sun will most definitely have his hat on. Hip-hip hooray!

And exactly what hat he'll be wearing we'll be finding out

in our sun hat fashion special later on in the programme.

Now, tomorrow morning, we can expect to see a few clouds forming.

Those cheeky little cosy woolly bundles of joy that they are.

And looking forward to the afternoon, as I always do,

there's a 50% chance of teeny, tiny little baby tears of rain.

Aw!

But that also means, of course, that there's a 50% chance of sunshine!

I'm a cup of Horlicks half-full kind of girl. So, in summary,

yummy, delicious, gorgeous, soft,

ponies, kittens and puppies

with no possibility of anything bad happening whatsoever.

Cheerio!

OK, er, coming up on the One Show,

we meet the man hoping to fulfil a lifetime's dream

of appearing on the One Show by appearing on the One Show.

And Angela Rippon will be on a quest to find the deadest dog.

Is your dog more dead than other dead dogs?

-Send us a photo.

-Do it, do it! It's what we want you to do.

But first, this.

'24 hours later and I've called in some help.

'Max Gridsteel is a mercenary who has fought

'in some of the most violent conflicts of the 21st century.'

-SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

-So...

-50 grand to find your sunglasses?

-Affirmative!

OK.

They're on your head.

Oh, right. 'I'm in a difficult position.

-'But I'm a man of my word...'

-Thank you very much.

'..and he's got a gun.'

You couldn't just sign this, so I can claim it back on expenses?

'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'

You know, when I was in the Congo, I saw a woman break down in tears

as she was reunited with the son she thought lost in the civil war.

And today, I know exactly how she felt.

All right, then, lads, come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, no!

Hello, Alan's Carrs!

There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.

I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.

Here's Knowlesy!

I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail: [email protected]