Episode 5 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


Episode 5

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Transcript


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COMPUTERISED VOICE: 'You have selected passport photo size.

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'Please face the front.'

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'The other front.'

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'Please relax and avoid smiling when the photo is being taken.

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'No. Please avoid smiling.

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'Please, don't do that either.

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'Look, just pull a normal face.

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'Perfect.'

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And we're joined now by our Political Editor Nick Robinson.

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So, worrying times at Number Ten, Nick.

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That's right, Fiona. Conflict in the Middle East, famine in Africa,

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pestilence and death in South America.

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But all eyes are on the building behind me

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where the Prime Minister and his new cabinet

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are facing problems of truly Biblical proportions.

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They may need a miracle. Will they get one?

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Only time will tell.

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KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

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Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

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This week, I, er, look at the Tower of London. Is a tower.

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Is in London. Tower in London. Simple.

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This, er, not so simple.

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This a beefeater. But he no eat the beef.

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So what he do for a living? The pantomime?

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No. He a English soldier. I'm not joking.

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Now he guard the most precious crown jewels.

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Very important, er, job.

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And they give it to a crazy man. Crazy in the coconut.

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Like making John Terry Captain of England.

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My best idea? Well, of course, when it started raining,

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it was me that told Noah to build the boat.

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Why don't we actually bake Alaska?

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Hand bags, shoulder bags.

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Obvious gap in the market - elbow bags.

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A breakfast show that starts at 2pm, so I can have a lie-in.

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Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I really can't.

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I've like only gone and got my own drink!

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They always said I've so much energy, I should bottle it. And now I have!

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The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's fizzy!

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It just keeps you going and going,

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and then, you have another sip and go and go some more.

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'It's like perfect if you need a kick

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'before delivering that super important work presentation.'

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Right, what's going to happen is three-fold profitability...

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-HE SPEAKS VERY FAST

-..it'll be fantastic!

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So, if you want to be more like Stacey Solomon,

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well, now you can with my amazing new energy drink.

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The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's so bubbly!

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Just like me.

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Hello and welcome to 30 Second Makeover with me, Nick Knowles.

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Now, today, we are here in Leytonstone,

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where we shall be helping Denise to tart up her maisonette for sale.

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-Hello, Denise.

-Hi.

-Say hello to our makeover team. Say hello, Nigel.

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-Hello, Nigel.

-Ha-ha! We have such a laugh! We really, really do.

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OK, sweetheart, off you go. Leave it to the experts, eh?

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-Now, team, are you ready?

-Hmm.

-Yeah, all right.

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Yes, we are ready. Can we have 30 seconds on the clock, please, now?

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-Let the magic begin!

-KLAXON BLARES

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And so straight into it there.

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The pizza box into the bin bag, the cushions re-poufed,

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a nice touch removing the clutter from the mantelpiece.

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Keep going and get that dust off the TV

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and there goes the knickers discovered on the sofa.

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A bit of air freshener work going on there.

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Just time for the all-important finishing touch, of course,

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-the flowers on the coffee table.

-KLAXON BLARES

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And there we go, um...

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Quite amazing. Can I just say, this truly, for me, has been one of

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the most amazing transformations I have ever been involved in.

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Er, Denise, if we can bring in Denise here.

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Prepare to be blown away, Denise. Behold your brand-new flat.

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Take a look at that.

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Um...

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-Denise is happy. We are happy. Nigel, a cup of tea?

-Love one.

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Yeah, me too. Make us one while you're at it.

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Ha-ha! We have such a laugh...

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The headlines tonight. The Government said today

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it would press ahead with banking reforms including

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the mandatory wearing of clown suits for all chief executives.

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And doctors say that as little as half an hour's exercise a day

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can significantly increase your chances

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of being the most boring person to sit next to at a dinner party.

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But first this...

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Hello. If you're watching this,

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it means that, A - you've successfully negotiated

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the proverbial minefield that is the interweb.

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Well done!

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And B - my new website is working.

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Glad something in London is! Bwah!

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This is my Bike Safety Course.

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BELL RINGS Now, first things first. Equipment.

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What would the cycling experience be like without the trusty helmet?

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< CRASH! Much more fun!

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And, anyway, a veritable haystack of shock-absorbing hair

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probably does the job just as well. HORN TOOTS

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Pedestrian, do keep out of my way. Vermin!

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Next, when mounted upon your velocipede,

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it is of course crucial that you are spotted by other road users,

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but not spotted by the paparazzi.

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To which end, yours truly, with great perspicacity,

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came up with this ingenious solution.

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There, that should do the trick. Bwah!

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Coming through! I have right of way over civilians.

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If you see this sign, it means, "Cycle in either direction."

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-BELL RINGS

-Oi, watch out!

-Oiks!

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This, of course, means, "Enter at will."

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HORN TOOTS Get out of the way, peasants!

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BELL RINGS Agh!

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Finally, when on your velocipede, do try to keep your speed to a minimum.

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I find it helps to be horrendously unfit and out of shape.

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HE PANTS AND COUGHS

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That's quite enough of this caper. Taxi! Taxi!

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Over here. Amuse me with some gently racist banter.

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-ON RADIO: 'Wild 96 seven.

-# Wild 96 seven! #

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'Wild 96 seven. Stay locked with us.

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'Later, your chance to win a drain pipe brush fashioned

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'out of British pop mogul Simon Cowell's hair.

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'Stay with us for that and the finance news

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'with our very own Leighton Buzzard right after this.'

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And speak.

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Simon, we've got a little problem with Nicole.

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OK. What is it this time?

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Her robot walk, her robot voice, her robot hair?

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We rebooted her last week.

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Not that. The network have a problem with her name.

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-Shoozlebert.

-Shinger?

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-Sham-zam?

-Sham-zam-zammer?

-Sham-shim? Sham...?

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-Shooby-doo-wop?

-It's impossible to pronounce!

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Is that it?

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Well, this is why I always carry one of these.

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THEY SNEEZE

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-BOTH: Scherzinger!

-I think you've got it.

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A statutory retirement age for monarchs.

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On holiday in the Galapagos Islands,

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I found a new species and named it after myself.

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It's the Mary Portas Hairy Tortoise!

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No, no, no, no, no. I don't do the ideas.

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Other people do the ideas, I do the patronising.

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England is a, er, very strange place.

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They've got a big empire,

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but they have a soldier who dress up like a lady.

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Is a very confuse. So I ask important man in London.

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Er, maybe he help. He the King.

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This are the King. But he no have the crown.

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He have the suit made out of very lot of buttons.

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I think maybe this king been hit very bad by a recession.

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But maybe he can tell us about, er, what we have seen.

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Oh! I should cocoa, me old China.

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Now, if I was to be a Barnaby, I'd say Adam and Eve

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that the barney you're having is cos you ain't read your Captain Cooks.

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I mean, use yer loaf, son!

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Well, he make a lot more sense than the England of footballers.

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Next week, I look at Stonehenge.

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It's, er... English Legoland for giants.

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Coming up later, Euthanasia. Does it really save you money in the long run?

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And Phil Tufnell will be asking the question -

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"Can I get a job on a better show than this?"

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-Find out if he can.

-But first, though, this.

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-MAN:

-What's Jimmy Carr doing here?

-WOMAN:

-(I don't know.)

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And to think, he said he'd never be seen dead in brown.

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WOMAN SOBS

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At least he's gone to a better place.

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He was still living in Dagenham. SHE WAILS

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I know how you feel. I buried my mum last week.

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She was furious.

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At least he lived each day like it was his last.

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Although that did mean lying in bed with terrible chest pain.

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-SHE CRIES

-Hasn't she been through enough?

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You're right. She has suffered enough.

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I mean, she had to live with him for years.

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I hope you're pleased with yourself!

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Come on, if we go, he'll have no audience for his jokes.

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Well, this guy,

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he loves my gags. See...

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He's corpsing.

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Too soon?

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HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH

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After six months of marriage,

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Prince William and his wife Catherine

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are having their first tiff.

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I'm joined by Royal Expert Sir William Digby-Bigguns.

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Sir William, was this to be expected?

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Well, of course, the Prince of Wales famously

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had his first marital tiff after about six minutes, so this bust-up

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-has been long anticipated.

-I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Sir Digby,

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so we can go over live to the Royal residence.

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And, yes, there we have it - the unmistakable signs of a bust-up.

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And very soon, we should be witnessing the fly-past.

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Yes, there it is. I can confirm some crockery is airborne.

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SLOW SCOTTISH ACCENT: We leave the wild coastal district of Ayr

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and find ourselves on the peninsula of Barrow-in-Furness.

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And a traditional English fish and chip shop.

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Let's take a wee look inside.

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And I cannae believe what I'm seeing here.

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They have stolen our proud tradition of the deep-fried Mars bar.

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That is Scottish food that should be hardening Scottish arteries

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and causing complaints in Scottish intestines!

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Well, I say it stops right now!

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I am liberating that deep-fried Mars bar in the name of Sir Sean Connery.

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Charge!

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'I love it. It's really sweet of you, much appreciated.'

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Thank you so much. How very clever of you.

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Throw this hideous piece of tat in the charity bag, David.

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It's an abomination! Don't want to look at it! Don't make me look at it!

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My Lady Gaga! We have arrived!

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David, we've got royalty at our baby party!

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TELEPHONE RINGS

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-It's, er, on your, er, right there on your, er...

-Oh!

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Silly me!

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Hello?

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How many times have I got to tell you?

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No! I don't want to change my gas and electricity supplier.

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Hmm!

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-Allow me.

-Thank you.

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I must say, I'm a great fan of the ridiculous headgear. I love it.

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Likewise, Elton. Likewise.

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So...a little present for the little one.

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It's by a designer from Smithfields, London, England.

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Oh, I love it. A meat babygro.

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I love it! That is so classy, that is so inventive.

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I just absolutely love it! That's truly amazing.

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# Baby Zachary, look what Aunty Lady Gaga's got brought for you!

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# A babygro that's made right out of chicken! #

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BABY CRIES

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David, hang this up in the oven.

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If he's not going to wear it, I'm going eat it.

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# Kentucky Fried babygro for dinner! #

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Oh, yeah, yeah. I like this. Great big moon post-it notes.

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So, if you get an idea at night,

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you can stick it on the moon and it'll be there in the morning.

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Ooh, wait a minute. No moon in the morning.

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You might have to stick it on the sun.

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You might want to wear oven gloves for that.

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A new quiz show called Get It Right Or Die!

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I worked out that my name is an anagram of

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"I fart while stag hunting" - it doesn't get better than that.

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Well, a very good evening and welcome here to the impressive

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Butlin's Fun Dome for this week's edition of Question Time.

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And for our first question, I'd like to go to the lady in the middle row.

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Sorry, madam, not you - the lady just a little along from you.

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The Lady in Red. No, no, not The Woman in White, The Lady In Red.

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Nearly. Behind the Girl With The Pearl Earring and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

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In front of The Man With The Child In His Eyes,

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between The Boy in Striped Pyjamas and The Man in the Iron Mask. If you think it's you, wave! No, no!

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Not you! Next to The Man With The Golden Gun!

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Oh, my God, I can't believe how much you all like my energy drink!

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It's made me so happy that I cried and everyone was like,

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"Why are you crying?" and I was like, "It's because I'm so happy!"

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And because you all like my energy drink so much,

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I've only gone and created a new flavour.

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I know! It's like the most exciting flavour ever.

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So, without further delay, because I know how busy you all are.

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I mean, there's just so much to do in a day and not enough time.

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Like I was at my mum's and said... Oh, my God, it was hilarious!

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New Stacey Solomon! Now in Tropical Jungle flavour!

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Aw. I was going to say that...

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Warning! Stacey Solomon Energy Drink will give you the energy of Stacey Solomon.

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Do not consume if you plan to have a coherent conversation during the next 24 hours.

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..at least I hope they're eyeballs. SHE GIGGLES.

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Yes, next to The Spy Who Loved Me.

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No, that's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold

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between The Cat In The Hat and The Cat On The Hot Tin Roof.

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Just to the left of The Girl From Ipanema and The Man From Del Monte.

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No, no! Not you, madam, to your left.

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Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Antiques Foodshow,

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where our experts have been making exciting finds all day.

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Well, I must say, when I first saw this box, I was very excited.

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This looks to me like the original packaging

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-for what we call in the trade a takeaway pizza.

-That's correct.

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-What do you think's inside?

-Well, a pizza, obviously.

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And there it is! If I'm not mistaken, a classic pepperoni.

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Oh, hang on, some of these pieces aren't original.

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-How can you tell?

-Well, these two pieces have pineapple on.

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They may have come from a deep-pan Hawaiian.

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Yeah, we did have one of them too.

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And there is some minor damage just here, and here.

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-Can you tell us what happened?

-I picked the pepperoni off.

-Will that affect the value?

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I'm afraid so. Has it been in the family a long time?

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Yeah, about two weeks. I found it under the bed.

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-Totally forgot it was there. It had a pair of pants stuck to it.

-What a touching story.

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-May I ask how much you paid for it?

-Nothing. It was free, cos it was late.

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Well, the good news is you haven't lost any money.

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I'd say, at a late-night auction, full of extremely hungry people,

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-you might make £1 or £2.

-As much as that?!

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-Would you consider selling it?

-Yeah. The dog licked it.

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Well, fascinating stuff.

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Now let's see what Delia's found in the China section.

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I hear she's very excited about a chicken chow mein,

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which may date back to the Ming dynasty. Yummy.

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Just next to the red, red robin who's bob-bob-bobbing along.

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Yes, madam, you!

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Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have time for on Question Time this week.

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Do join us next week, when we'll be live

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from the magnificently refurbished kebab shop in Bolton City Centre.

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Until then, from all of us here, a very good night. Good night.

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Coming up on the One Show, Clare Balding will speak to a man

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who hasn't worked for 20 years, cos he suffers from chronic laziness.

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Plus Dominic Littlewood will be showing you all how to riot

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in an environmentally friendly way by using unleaded petrol bombs.

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But first, this!

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It's been three weeks since my last confession,

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and, in that time, I have sinned many times.

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STRONG LIVERPOOL ACCENT: You think you've sinned, mate? The other week there was a bloke in our road

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wearing a turquoise shell-suit! Now THAT is a sin!

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I says to him, "Hey, it's not 1988, mate!"

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So anyway, about me?

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Never mind about you. What about me? Who'd have thought it?

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Me, just an ordinary working-class lad from Liverpool.

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Me, John Bishop - a bishop. It's me dream come true!

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-What about my sins?

-Never mind about that.

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Just say four Hail Marys, a dozen Kajagoogoos

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and two Lady Gagas and you shall be all right.

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Go on, soft lad, you can get on your way.

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Help! My husband's inside the house! Help him!

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We'll get him out in a jiffy, love.

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If I may? What your hubby needs isn't saving from a fire,

0:19:520:19:55

but from a house furnished with the factory-made and the off-the-shelf.

0:19:550:19:59

You're in the way, we need to get past.

0:19:590:20:01

Your house might have oodles of fire, but it lacks personality.

0:20:010:20:05

Something that can be remedied by a little bit of my homespun handiwork.

0:20:050:20:10

-My husband!

-You're in the way, we need to get in there.

0:20:100:20:12

Not so fast, Fireman Sam, cos Kirstie's here to the rescue.

0:20:120:20:17

With a stained-glass window maker - by which I mean a girl I was at boarding school with,

0:20:170:20:21

who's married to a banker so doesn't need a proper job -

0:20:210:20:24

I've made you...this! What do you think?

0:20:240:20:29

-Oh, it's lovely.

-Hmm! The light coming through that will be

0:20:290:20:32

sublimely beautiful giving this place the character it needs.

0:20:320:20:36

Help! Somebody, please help! The fire's coming into the room!

0:20:360:20:40

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

0:20:400:20:42

Yeah, I reckon you'll be all right with this. You don't need us.

0:20:420:20:45

Right, see you. Come on, lads, get that rolled up.

0:20:450:20:49

See? It doesn't take much for a bit of that personal touch.

0:20:490:20:52

Agh!

0:20:520:20:54

I think he really loves it!

0:20:540:20:56

'Ere! Are you tired of all those boring diets

0:21:000:21:03

that make your breath smell like John McCririck's only pair of underpants?

0:21:030:21:07

Then it's time you tried the Alan Carr Innuendo Diet.

0:21:070:21:10

The diet with plenty of sauce!

0:21:100:21:13

Treat yourself to a nice juicy pear,

0:21:150:21:18

and nice ripe plums,

0:21:180:21:20

and some lovely fat melons!

0:21:200:21:23

Ooh!

0:21:230:21:24

A big fat sausage.

0:21:240:21:27

Ooh, sorry, love!

0:21:270:21:29

A tasty bit of breast.

0:21:290:21:31

And a roll in the hay.

0:21:340:21:36

The Alan Carr Innuendo Diet!

0:21:360:21:38

Mine's a man-sized portion of rump!

0:21:380:21:41

You've got your tracksuit bottoms and your tracksuit tops.

0:21:460:21:50

What about a tracksuit waistcoat to go with it?

0:21:500:21:54

Kitchen roll should come with a few sheets of toilet roll,

0:21:540:21:57

so that when you've run out of toilet roll, you don't have to use kitchen roll! Brilliant!

0:21:570:22:02

I have never had an idea of any kind.

0:22:020:22:06

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Oh...buying all my furniture

0:22:060:22:09

from a doll's house manufacturer made things a lot easier.

0:22:090:22:13

Over the past few years, I have visited

0:22:160:22:18

some of the most dangerous and violent places on earth

0:22:180:22:22

and if there's one thing that these places have in common,

0:22:220:22:25

it's a sense of loss -

0:22:250:22:26

loss of friends, loss of family, loss of communities.

0:22:260:22:31

Today, it's a feeling I share, because...

0:22:310:22:34

I have lost my sunglasses.

0:22:340:22:36

-Ross, I think they're on your...

-Oi! I'll do the thinking, all right?

0:22:360:22:39

They say, when you lose something, you should retrace your steps.

0:22:480:22:52

Now, that's fine if you've just been to the shops. It is not fine

0:22:520:22:55

if you spend your time hanging around war zones.

0:22:550:22:59

I don't mind telling you, retracing my steps

0:22:590:23:02

might be the stupidest thing I've ever done.

0:23:020:23:04

And that's saying something.

0:23:040:23:06

HEAVY GUNFIRE

0:23:060:23:08

The last place I remember having them is here -

0:23:080:23:11

the secret location during a meet with Ahmed Alfalili,

0:23:110:23:15

the Taliban warlord and number two on the UN most wanted list.

0:23:150:23:20

'This man rules his people

0:23:200:23:22

'with a combination of fear and deadly violence.'

0:23:220:23:25

'Nothing happens in these mountain towns without him knowing about it.

0:23:270:23:31

'If anyone knows where my sunglasses are, it will be him.'

0:23:310:23:35

Excuse me. I mean no disrespect,

0:23:360:23:39

but, um, do you know where my sunglasses are?

0:23:390:23:42

Yes.

0:23:420:23:44

'I'm now in a tricky position.

0:23:440:23:46

'He's nicked my sunglasses.

0:23:460:23:48

'I probably ought to just let him keep them.

0:23:480:23:51

'On the other hand, if he's just found them, he may give them back.'

0:23:510:23:55

Please, sir, can you tell me where they are?

0:23:550:23:58

Yes, of course.

0:23:580:24:00

'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'

0:24:000:24:03

ANNOUNCER: 'Time for Weatherview now with Lorraine Kelly.'

0:24:080:24:12

Hello, my wee lovelies.

0:24:120:24:14

Now, let's take a quick look at this afternoon's weather.

0:24:140:24:17

Well, I've got very good news,

0:24:170:24:19

because the sun will most definitely have his hat on. Hip-hip hooray!

0:24:190:24:23

And exactly what hat he'll be wearing we'll be finding out

0:24:230:24:27

in our sun hat fashion special later on in the programme.

0:24:270:24:31

Now, tomorrow morning, we can expect to see a few clouds forming.

0:24:310:24:35

Those cheeky little cosy woolly bundles of joy that they are.

0:24:350:24:40

And looking forward to the afternoon, as I always do,

0:24:400:24:43

there's a 50% chance of teeny, tiny little baby tears of rain.

0:24:430:24:48

Aw!

0:24:480:24:50

But that also means, of course, that there's a 50% chance of sunshine!

0:24:500:24:55

I'm a cup of Horlicks half-full kind of girl. So, in summary,

0:24:550:24:59

yummy, delicious, gorgeous, soft,

0:24:590:25:02

ponies, kittens and puppies

0:25:020:25:04

with no possibility of anything bad happening whatsoever.

0:25:040:25:08

Cheerio!

0:25:080:25:11

OK, er, coming up on the One Show,

0:25:110:25:12

we meet the man hoping to fulfil a lifetime's dream

0:25:120:25:15

of appearing on the One Show by appearing on the One Show.

0:25:150:25:18

And Angela Rippon will be on a quest to find the deadest dog.

0:25:180:25:22

Is your dog more dead than other dead dogs?

0:25:220:25:25

-Send us a photo.

-Do it, do it! It's what we want you to do.

0:25:250:25:27

But first, this.

0:25:270:25:29

'24 hours later and I've called in some help.

0:25:330:25:36

'Max Gridsteel is a mercenary who has fought

0:25:360:25:39

'in some of the most violent conflicts of the 21st century.'

0:25:390:25:43

-SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

-So...

0:25:430:25:44

-50 grand to find your sunglasses?

-Affirmative!

0:25:440:25:48

OK.

0:25:480:25:51

They're on your head.

0:25:510:25:53

Oh, right. 'I'm in a difficult position.

0:25:560:25:59

-'But I'm a man of my word...'

-Thank you very much.

0:25:590:26:02

'..and he's got a gun.'

0:26:020:26:04

You couldn't just sign this, so I can claim it back on expenses?

0:26:040:26:09

'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'

0:26:100:26:14

You know, when I was in the Congo, I saw a woman break down in tears

0:26:180:26:23

as she was reunited with the son she thought lost in the civil war.

0:26:230:26:29

And today, I know exactly how she felt.

0:26:290:26:33

All right, then, lads, come on, let's get out of here.

0:26:330:26:36

Oh, no!

0:26:400:26:42

Hello, Alan's Carrs!

0:26:480:26:50

There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.

0:26:500:26:54

I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.

0:26:540:26:58

Here's Knowlesy!

0:26:580:27:00

I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!

0:27:000:27:03

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:100:27:13

E-mail: [email protected]

0:27:130:27:18

More uncanny impressions from Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson and their vast array of characters. In this episode, Davina McCall gets in a mess, Jimmy Carr is an unexpected guest at a funeral, and Ross Kemp goes on his most dangerous mission to date.


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