Episode 4 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


Episode 4

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-It's just through here. I've got no idea what's wrong with it.

-I see.

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My wife's never going to believe it when I tell her I fixed Phillip Schofield's sink.

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She's a big fan of yours, Mr Schofield.

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Now, please, call me Phil or Schofe.

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Or the silver-haired fox.

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Phil.

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Right, let's have a look at it.

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Yeah, it looks like the joint on the U-bend's leaking.

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Shouldn't be too much trouble to fix.

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Not so fast. First, let's find out the rules.

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'Inside The Cube, you have to mend Phil's U-bend,

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'but with your hands tied behind your back and blindfolded.'

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So, will you take on The Cube?

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-'The Cube!'

-What're you doing?!

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All part of the challenge, Ted. Can I call you Ted?

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My name's Alan!

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OK, Ted, are you ready to take on The Cube?

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-'The Cube!'

-We're not in The Cube, we're in your kitchen.

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-'The Kitchen!'

-Now, we're all rooting for you, Ted.

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But remember, if you can't fix it, then you won't get paid.

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Those are the rules, in...

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-'The Kitchen!'

-Where's that voice coming from?

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'The ironing board cupboard.'

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Good luck, then.

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Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting Lincolnshire's youngest dry stone waller.

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I'll be helping to renovate a windmill.

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And I'll be spending a cosy night in a small paddock with Randy the half-tonne bull.

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The humble calculator.

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There's no better aid to prudent home finances, and if you type in 58008618

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and hold it upside down, it says "big boobs," so it has multiple uses.

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I've got a gadget that helps me get much lower prices in the shops.

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It's a price gun with 10-p labels.

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I've got this little thing.

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I always keep it looking pristine, just in case.

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Hi, there. Let's talk about feeding the baby.

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Oh, must we? You're boring them already.

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# Don't you know they only want to see me.

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# That is why they're here. #

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When feeding your baby,

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it's very important to check that the food is not too hot.

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OK, let me just test the temperature of this muck.

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That's OK.

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-Actually, this is pretty tasty.

-This happens every time.

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Fortunately, I made a spare.

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What would I do without you, David? Apart from be richer?

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I'll just check that this is not too hot.

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Got to check it for you.

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That's pretty good.

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Hm.

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# It's the flavour of paradise Pineapple and liver. #

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Our main story again.

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Government austerity measures mean that we can no longer afford

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to have seven days in a week, so Wednesday and Thursday are being merged to create Wehursday.

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I like it.

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-Oh, hi, there, got your shopping order.

-Fantastic.

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Some of the items you requested were out of stock, so there is a few substitutions.

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-Instead of plum tomatoes you've got cherry tomatoes.

-No problem.

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-And instead of a garlic bulb you've got garlic paste.

-Fine.

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And instead of a sack of potatoes you've got Radio One's Chris Moyles.

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-All right, luv! How ya doing? You're looking a little bit rough, but I still would.

-I'm sorry?

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What? Don't you like Britain's longest-serving record-breaking and number one DJ?

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-I don't understand.

-They try and give you the closest thing to what you've ordered.

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-So you ordered a sack of potatoes...

-Oh, I see. Makes sense.

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It's just I really wanted to make sausage and mash tonight.

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-Well, if you fancy a mound of stodge to soak up the gravy, then...

-Oi, leave it.

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-OK, I'll take him.

-Good decision.

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-Now where are the rest of my groceries?

-Got to be honest, took care of all those, luv.

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Where's your lav? Raw sausages. Bad idea.

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MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory

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This week, I talk about the English food.

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But I no eat the English food. I am not a crazy man.

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This is a jelly.

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But it not just a jelly.

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Is a jellied eels.

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They take a nice jelly and put the fish into it.

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It's a jelly fish. The Queen, she eat this.

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No wonder that she talk funny.

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But the Queen not have a jelly fish for breakfast.

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For breakfast, she have this.

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This, a "Full English."

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Bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom, er...egg, bread, black pudding.

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All fry in a very lot of fat.

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See, they try to kill themself.

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I think this quicker than the gun.

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But Fabio, hold your horse meat, you say.

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What is the black pudding?

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Is it a nice blackberry fruity pudding yum yum?

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No. Is blood. They eat the blood for breakfast.

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They vampire people.

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The Queen, she eat this.

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Wayne Rooney, he eat this.

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No wonder his hair is falling out.

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I'm not telling.

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Well, it would have to be my telescope, my 16-inch refractor,

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and each night I look out and I observe the beauty and the majesty of the universe.

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It's amazing. But if you wanted to look at the bird that lives opposite you,

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that sleeps in the nude, you'd be better off with binoculars.

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I've actually invented a lightweight raincoat

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made from a kind of llama wool, you know,

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it's called a Macca el pakka pakka Macca.

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'From the people who brought you the Jennifer Aniston romcoms, What About The Baby?'

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Honey, I think it's leaking.

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'And...

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'What About The Dog?'

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Honey, I think it's leaking.

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'Comes her new film. What About The Plumber?'

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Honey, I think it's leaking.

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OK, can we cut, please?

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I've got to tell you, mister, I can do better than this.

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OK, here's the thing.

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I am getting pretty fed-up of the same old movies and the same old lines!

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I want a new challenge!

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'Now, as you've never seen her before.

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'Jennifer Aniston in What About The Mouse?'

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Honey, I think it's squeaking.

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OK, cut.

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Do you think that's too much of a departure?

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'See it in cinemas or, you know, just watch the old ones on DVD, again.'

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I don't know how you dancers get so good in such a short amount of time. You all look amazing on that show.

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Yeah, I know, but it's not actually us, is it?

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They use professional dancers and then put our heads on afterwards in the edit.

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That's why Russell Grant looks likes he's lost so much weight. They couldn't find a dancer big enough.

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-You are kidding me, right?

-No.

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And we're back in three, two..

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Welcome back to the One Show.

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Coming up, Jay Rayner shows us how to prepare a three course dinner party on the cheap

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by stealing your neighbour's Ocado delivery.

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And history man Dan Snow will himself become history as we present him with his P45.

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But first, this.

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Hello, I'm Ian Hislop, and welcome to Hislop's Toy Emporium.

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If you're a studious and improving child,

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then we have literally ten toys all designed by me that you would apparently enjoy. Hoorah.

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Meet Ben Ten, the fully articulating Benjamin Disraeli action figure.

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Not so fast, Gladstone!

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Armed with a retractable copy of the 1867 Reform Act.

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Cor! Brilliant!

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Children can never get enough ecclesiastical architecture,

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so they'll love The British Book of Pop-Up Churches 1845 to 1873.

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Wow, it's so neo-Romanesque!

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If you're a female type of child,

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you'll enjoy the Princess Field Marshall Montgomery playset.

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To Tobruk and beyond!

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So if you're one of those parents who thinks that children are having too much fun,

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and like to get them presents made from wood, Hislop's Toy Emporium is for you.

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Allegedly.

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Good evening.

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You join me as reports are coming in of a major skirmish taking place within the BBC's very own newsroom.

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I'm joined by our business editor, Robert Peston.

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Robert, can you update me on what's been going on?

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Well, yes, Fiona, what I can tell you is that I never started it.

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It wasn't me. All this kicked off when I opened the door to my office

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and a bucket of water came down faster than the FTSE on a bad day.

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We now go over to our political editor, Nick Robison, to find out if he was the one what did it.

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Nick?

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Fiona, what I can tell you is that nobody is in a position

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at present to confirm or to deny the allegations.

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Sounds like a yes to me.

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Robert, I understand that shortly after the incident, a war of words broke out.

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Yes, Robinson said that I talk very, very quickly

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and then very slowly because my mum was a broken tape recorder.

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Fiona, what I can tell you is a lot of words were said today,

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some of which by me, many of which by Peston,

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which could indeed have provoked that outburst.

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Not least, an allegation that by rubbing my head, Peston can see into the future.

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Well, all evidence that we've seen so far would certainly point to that fact.

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And would it surprise you to know that Robinson also gave me a Chinese burn?

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Which was swiftly followed by Peston putting me in a headlock. Chilling stuff, Fiona.

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I don't want to hear any more. Do you realise in your little punch-up,

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you knocked over Huw Edward's collection of porcelain owls?

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-It was him!

-I don't care. I've had enough of the two of you fighting.

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If I hear any more I'll send you both to appear on This Week with Andrew Neil without any supper.

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-No, I don't want to.

-Please don't do that.

-No.

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Yes! Now, both of you go to apologise to Huw Edwards, then maybe he'll stop crying and come out of the lavatory.

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OK, hi, hello to all of you non-famous nobodies out there in cheap sofa land.

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All right.

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LAUGHS AS RICKY GERVAIS

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There he is. That's him.

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Tall, isn't he, yeah?

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The tall guy, yeah? I like pointing that out, yeah? Fills up air time.

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Totally brilliant. It's just a very astute thing to have said.

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So can you believe it, another series of An Idiot Abroad done. Finished.

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Yeah? Sending Karl Plonkington off to more really exotic places.

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In the last episode, yeah...

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the Somali Pirate stunt.

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Probably a little step too far.

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-Hindsight.

-But whatever, move on. Fine. Done.

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Yeah? And hurrah, because we've dreamt up an even better cheap show

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on the back of my special envelope that I use to devise all my shows.

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It's called An Intellectual Abroad.

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We're sending David Dimbleby to Magaluf.

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-Brilliant.

-Here's another one.

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A Blind Person Abroad.

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David Blunkett... Venice.

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Frosted shreddies, carrots, quilted bog roll.

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Shopping list.

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Ooh. Yeah, you are right, that is actually my shopping list.

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Do you know what, Sky'll probably buy that off us as well.

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-Genius.

-We can sort of get anything on.

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-An Unusually Tall Man In The Bahamas?

-Anything apart from that.

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-Worth a try.

-No, it wasn't.

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My mobile phone.

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I'd never be without it.

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I can call anyone at any time.

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Look, Len Goodman.

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Len!

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Oh, no, he's obviously busy.

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Got a really high tech exercise machine, and if I stand on it I can reach the biscuit tin.

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Brucie.

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He's probably in a meeting.

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-My cube.

-'The Cube.'

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Craig!

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It's Arlene.

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Ye..ye... No.

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He's gone.

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Must be on a train.

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Vern likes being tall, too. It means he can always reach the top shelf.

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It's the only shelf he looks at in the newsagent's.

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Hello, Tess. I feel very relaxed at this unstructured group gathering.

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-You mean party?

-Yes, yes, that is the word.

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-I was wondering, Tess, could I be in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing?

-Oh, right.

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I could be the one who can't dance but who the public fall in love with.

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See? I've got no coordination whatsoever. I am worse than Ann Widdecombe.

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But people liked Anne.

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I'm sorry, Gordon, but I don't think it's going to work.

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Oh, don't you? Well, I could have the BBC closed down, you know.

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Oh, no, I couldn't, I'm not Prime Minister any more.

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Ah, there's Richard Hammond.

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Richard, could I be on Total Wipeout?

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'It's week one of her new finishing school.

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'Today, Katie and her pupils are having a go at some role play.'

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Is you a footballer?

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Yeah. I is.

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Tick.

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So how much does you earn a week?

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Hundred thousand.

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Tick.

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Is he married?

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No. I'm not.

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Cross.

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I'm sorry, I never date non-married man.

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What kind of girl do you think I am?

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Better. Much better.

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Hold on. Just a minute.

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What's that? I can see your panty line.

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Why are you wearing panties?

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It really worries me than in Britain today there's still some girls that don't know how to talk back,

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that have never bared their breasts for a tabloid newspaper, that don't even know what a vajazzle is.

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I mean, you know, at the end of the day, what is happening to our society?

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Oi!

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Trisha Claythorne, is that you cycling behind the smoking sheds?

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'Simon, the problem is the papers in the UK are saying you only care about the American X Factor now.'

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Well, that is complete and utter nonsense.

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As soon as the UK show comes back on air I will be one 100% focused on it.

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'It's been on air for months now, Simon.'

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Yeah, I knew that, and it's going great, isn't it?

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'Well, not really.

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'Some of the British public are actually missing Dannii Minogue.'

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Missing Danni Minogue.

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-Is that even possible?

-'I know!

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'Anyway, what we were thinking is maybe you could sort us out a new judge.'

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What, just like that?

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Have you any idea how much thought goes into choosing a new judge?

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'Sorry, Simon. It's just that..'

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No, it's all right, I'm messing with you.

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OK, Winston Churchill.

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-'But he's dead.'

-OK, if you're going to be awkward about it.

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There. Mr Beavis, my old English teacher when I was 12.

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I liked him. He had funny ears.

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'Well, he's got to be better than Louis Walsh.'

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My thinking exactly.

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Bye.

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-Everybody get down. This is a robbery!

-Hit the floor!

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-Down! Now!

-You, fill this up!

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A robbery! Thrilling.

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This is exciting. Look at your masks.

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Scary! I am literally terrified.

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Zip it! You... give us the money!

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Look, this is real cash.

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How much have we got there?

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About a million pounds.

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You've got a million pounds. I've got the questions.

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Let's play The Million Pound Drop!

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Your categories are Sport or Current Events.

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I know you know your sport, but can't put it all on you.

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-Current events.

-Brilliant. Teamwork.

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Perfect. Here are your answers.

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The back door. The front door.

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The fire escape. The question is...

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Which door should you scarper through?

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And your minute has already started.

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Tick tock. So exciting!

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-Brilliant!

-Let's go out the back.

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They'll be expecting that. Take the fire exit.

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We can split the cash, take half each out of different doors. I don't know.

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I don't know either. So exciting! Exciiiiiitttiiinnnngg!

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All out the front.

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All in one place! You know I am so excited I could actually burst!

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Bang!

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-I'm feeling confident.

-Let's see if you've beaten the Million Pound Drop.

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Come on.

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I can't believe it!

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That is the most exciting and amazing thing I have ever seen.

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No!!!

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Oh! One minute it's there, the next it's gone.

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Are you talking to me?

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Yes, you... Are you talking to me?

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It's totally confusing as I thought I was the only one here. I'll phone my PA.

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Hello? Susan? Susan?

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Are you...are you talking to me?

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Oh, yes, quite clearly you are.

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How very terribly nice to...

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Cripes, that keeps happening.

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Hello...are you talking to me?

0:18:580:19:01

Yes, you quite clearly are. Boris Johnson?

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Yes, of course I'll hand you over. This one's for you, I think.

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Oh, I have a security tag

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so they can find me if I fall down between the cracks in the pavement

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or if I'm kidnapped by mice.

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Oh, yeah, my favourite gadget is my personal side camera.

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You know the one.

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Yeah, the English dictionary.

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I think it important to speak the language of the country you work in.

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So I give one to each of the England players.

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You know we live in a world of wonder,

0:19:510:19:55

from its breathtaking mountains to vast oceans

0:19:550:20:00

to canyons that stretch as far as the eye can see.

0:20:000:20:05

But there are few places on this amazing planet of ours

0:20:050:20:10

where the astounding beauty

0:20:100:20:13

and the raw power of nature are clearer to see than here

0:20:130:20:20

at the heart of the Kilauea Volcano.

0:20:200:20:23

It's amazing to think

0:20:230:20:26

that this volcano has been erupting continuously for 28 years.

0:20:260:20:33

Ah! It's like looking into the core of the planet itself.

0:20:330:20:39

Thousands of tonnes of raw magma.

0:20:390:20:44

Over one thousand degrees centigrade.

0:20:440:20:49

It's amazing.

0:20:490:20:52

Help! Help!

0:20:540:20:58

Brian! What did we say to you about climbing into an active volcano!

0:20:580:21:03

You said it would be amazing.

0:21:030:21:06

-No, no, no, what did we really say?

-You said don't do it.

0:21:060:21:10

-And what did you do?

-I did it.

-Yeah, you did! Right, grab onto this wire.

0:21:100:21:15

We're going to winch you up. Stay still. I don't want to put too much pressure on this wire.

0:21:150:21:20

Well, actually, the laws of physics say that won't make any difference

0:21:200:21:23

because once an object is in motion

0:21:230:21:25

its combined mass is almost unaffected by the movement within.

0:21:250:21:31

That's why I love the laws of physics because you can be on an aeroplane

0:21:310:21:35

and if you jump up and down, that wouldn't actually make the flames any heavier.

0:21:350:21:42

Help.

0:21:420:21:44

'It's ten in the morning and star pupil Natalie has just got back in from a night out.'

0:21:440:21:51

So where were you last night, Natalie? You know you missed your pole dancing lesson.

0:21:510:21:55

I don't care, right, and there's nothing you can do about it.

0:21:550:21:58

She's good.

0:21:580:22:00

Just a minute. What's this?

0:22:000:22:02

Oh, well, I just got my boyfriend's name tattooed on my right bap.

0:22:020:22:06

-How long have you known him?

-Well, I only met him down the club last night, didn't I,

0:22:060:22:12

but I love him so much that it hurts.

0:22:120:22:15

No, I'm over it.

0:22:150:22:17

You know, she reminds me of a young me, before I had my norks done.

0:22:170:22:22

Katie is like such a role model for us all, and she's so professional.

0:22:220:22:29

Like, she writes us reports at the end of the week and everything,

0:22:290:22:33

although, obviously, she doesn't write them herself.

0:22:330:22:36

'Next week on Katie's Finishing School, the course comes to an end.'

0:22:390:22:43

I can't believe it.

0:22:430:22:45

It's time for my first graduates to pass out.

0:22:450:22:49

It makes me so proud.

0:22:490:22:51

-Hold her hair back.

-Bog off.

0:22:510:22:55

So proud.

0:22:550:22:57

Have you ever wished you could think of something rude to say,

0:22:580:23:02

but not been able to think of anything until it's too late?

0:23:020:23:05

Of course you have. You're an idiot.

0:23:050:23:07

Well, now help is at hand with my new limited edition Insult Generator.

0:23:070:23:13

Just say a key word into the Insult Generator, and hey presto, it generates an insult.

0:23:130:23:20

Plumber.

0:23:200:23:21

When a sewer rat comes out of the toilet and spots you, does it scream and run away?

0:23:210:23:27

Traffic warden.

0:23:290:23:30

When you meet a woman, do you lie and tell her you're a serial killer?

0:23:300:23:34

'Over 10,000 insults for every occasion.'

0:23:350:23:38

Estate agent.

0:23:380:23:41

They say in the event of a nuclear apocalypse, only cockroaches and estate agents will survive.

0:23:410:23:47

Poor cockroaches.

0:23:470:23:49

I don't know what I'd do without my Insult Generator.

0:23:500:23:54

Nor do I... I think your brain cell just died of loneliness.

0:23:540:23:58

'The Anne Robinson Insult Generator.

0:24:000:24:02

'So simple even a two-year-old could use it.'

0:24:020:24:05

Which means it'll be way beyond you.

0:24:050:24:08

Today, we want to talk to you about a really serious problem.

0:24:130:24:17

Screaming and temper tantrums.

0:24:170:24:20

I thought we agreed not to wash our dirty laundry in public.

0:24:200:24:23

I was talking about the baby.

0:24:230:24:25

Are you, darling? # Well, then that's fine, just get on with it. #

0:24:250:24:28

It's OK, I won't let him go on too long. I know you're only here to see me.

0:24:280:24:33

As I was saying, screaming and temper tantrums can be a real problem.

0:24:330:24:38

But there is one simple solution.

0:24:380:24:40

# We're going to put our baby to bed so he can sleep.

0:24:400:24:45

# And fly off to our villa in Capri. #

0:24:450:24:49

Don't go looking at me like I'm some sort of bad parent.

0:24:490:24:52

-I always take the monitor with me.

-But the batteries are flat.

0:24:520:24:55

Even better.

0:24:550:24:57

Actually, Elton, where is the baby?

0:24:570:25:00

Oh, God, I think I've left him at Harvey Nicks.

0:25:000:25:03

Coming up later in Countryfile, I'll be visiting a farm where time stands still.

0:25:090:25:15

I'll be pony trekking in the Dales.

0:25:150:25:17

And I'll be trussed up by an Orkney boatman and dragged behind his trawler as bait.

0:25:170:25:24

But first, straw.

0:25:240:25:26

You're watching the One Show.

0:25:260:25:28

Coming up later, we'll be meeting the football mascot who dresses up in a bee costume

0:25:280:25:32

but is in fact allergic to bees.

0:25:320:25:34

We'll be conducting a culinary experiment.

0:25:340:25:36

By adding one cook to the kitchen every five minutes, we'll find out

0:25:360:25:39

-exactly how many cooks it takes to spoil a broth.

-We will. We will.

0:25:390:25:43

We will. And we discover which city in Britain has the most people called John Smith in it.

0:25:430:25:48

But first, it's over to One Show favourite Dominic Littlewood for some handy DIY advice.

0:25:480:25:52

What have you got for us, Dominic?

0:25:520:25:54

Well, I've got with me a number of fillers

0:25:540:25:56

which will all do an adequate job if it's filling that you need doing.

0:25:560:26:01

OK, Dominic Ickle-Wood, say if we needed a lot of filling,

0:26:010:26:06

what filler would you recommend?

0:26:060:26:08

Well, there are fillers and there are fillers, Chris.

0:26:080:26:11

It depends on the scale of the filling you want the filler to fill.

0:26:110:26:14

Now, could you give me an indication of the size of the hole that needs filling?

0:26:140:26:19

I imagine it's a big one. Are we talking ten minutes?

0:26:190:26:21

More like 15.

0:26:210:26:23

That is a lot of filling.

0:26:230:26:25

I've got a mate called Phil who could be here in five minutes

0:26:250:26:28

with more filler and we could start filling.

0:26:280:26:31

-Which filler will you be using?

-Let me fill you in on the fillers.

0:26:310:26:35

Filling film with Phil, easy squeezy.

0:26:350:26:37

Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, lovely stuff.

0:26:370:26:42

Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, result, fill fill.

0:26:420:26:47

He's such a pro.

0:26:470:26:49

So, have you and Nick finally settled your differences?

0:26:500:26:53

Well, yes, we have and he has promised absolutely no more childish pranks.

0:26:530:26:59

FARTING NOISE

0:26:590:27:01

This means war, Robinson.

0:27:010:27:04

-Not so fast, Fireman Sam.

-I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.

0:27:070:27:12

But can he read my poker face?

0:27:120:27:14

Talking to you is like trying to crack the enigma code.

0:27:140:27:17

Forgot to breathe.

0:27:170:27:19

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:190:27:21

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:210:27:23

Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson return with more uncanny impressions and wickedly funny sketches.

Jennifer Aniston's career takes a radical new turn, Katie Price starts her own finishing school and there's war in the BBC newsroom.


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