Episode 4 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

-It's just through here. I've got no idea what's wrong with it.

-I see.

My wife's never going to believe it when I tell her I fixed Phillip Schofield's sink.

She's a big fan of yours, Mr Schofield.

Now, please, call me Phil or Schofe.

Or the silver-haired fox.

Phil.

Right, let's have a look at it.

Yeah, it looks like the joint on the U-bend's leaking.

Shouldn't be too much trouble to fix.

Not so fast. First, let's find out the rules.

'Inside The Cube, you have to mend Phil's U-bend,

'but with your hands tied behind your back and blindfolded.'

So, will you take on The Cube?

-'The Cube!'

-What're you doing?!

All part of the challenge, Ted. Can I call you Ted?

My name's Alan!

OK, Ted, are you ready to take on The Cube?

-'The Cube!'

-We're not in The Cube, we're in your kitchen.

-'The Kitchen!'

-Now, we're all rooting for you, Ted.

But remember, if you can't fix it, then you won't get paid.

Those are the rules, in...

-'The Kitchen!'

-Where's that voice coming from?

'The ironing board cupboard.'

Good luck, then.

Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting Lincolnshire's youngest dry stone waller.

I'll be helping to renovate a windmill.

And I'll be spending a cosy night in a small paddock with Randy the half-tonne bull.

The humble calculator.

There's no better aid to prudent home finances, and if you type in 58008618

and hold it upside down, it says "big boobs," so it has multiple uses.

I've got a gadget that helps me get much lower prices in the shops.

It's a price gun with 10-p labels.

I've got this little thing.

I always keep it looking pristine, just in case.

Hi, there. Let's talk about feeding the baby.

Oh, must we? You're boring them already.

# Don't you know they only want to see me.

# That is why they're here. #

When feeding your baby,

it's very important to check that the food is not too hot.

OK, let me just test the temperature of this muck.

That's OK.

-Actually, this is pretty tasty.

-This happens every time.

Fortunately, I made a spare.

What would I do without you, David? Apart from be richer?

I'll just check that this is not too hot.

Got to check it for you.

That's pretty good.

Hm.

# It's the flavour of paradise Pineapple and liver. #

Our main story again.

Government austerity measures mean that we can no longer afford

to have seven days in a week, so Wednesday and Thursday are being merged to create Wehursday.

I like it.

-Oh, hi, there, got your shopping order.

-Fantastic.

Some of the items you requested were out of stock, so there is a few substitutions.

-Instead of plum tomatoes you've got cherry tomatoes.

-No problem.

-And instead of a garlic bulb you've got garlic paste.

-Fine.

And instead of a sack of potatoes you've got Radio One's Chris Moyles.

-All right, luv! How ya doing? You're looking a little bit rough, but I still would.

-I'm sorry?

What? Don't you like Britain's longest-serving record-breaking and number one DJ?

-I don't understand.

-They try and give you the closest thing to what you've ordered.

-So you ordered a sack of potatoes...

-Oh, I see. Makes sense.

It's just I really wanted to make sausage and mash tonight.

-Well, if you fancy a mound of stodge to soak up the gravy, then...

-Oi, leave it.

-OK, I'll take him.

-Good decision.

-Now where are the rest of my groceries?

-Got to be honest, took care of all those, luv.

Where's your lav? Raw sausages. Bad idea.

MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory

This week, I talk about the English food.

But I no eat the English food. I am not a crazy man.

This is a jelly.

But it not just a jelly.

Is a jellied eels.

They take a nice jelly and put the fish into it.

It's a jelly fish. The Queen, she eat this.

No wonder that she talk funny.

But the Queen not have a jelly fish for breakfast.

For breakfast, she have this.

This, a "Full English."

Bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom, er...egg, bread, black pudding.

All fry in a very lot of fat.

See, they try to kill themself.

I think this quicker than the gun.

But Fabio, hold your horse meat, you say.

What is the black pudding?

Is it a nice blackberry fruity pudding yum yum?

No. Is blood. They eat the blood for breakfast.

They vampire people.

The Queen, she eat this.

Wayne Rooney, he eat this.

No wonder his hair is falling out.

I'm not telling.

Well, it would have to be my telescope, my 16-inch refractor,

and each night I look out and I observe the beauty and the majesty of the universe.

It's amazing. But if you wanted to look at the bird that lives opposite you,

that sleeps in the nude, you'd be better off with binoculars.

I've actually invented a lightweight raincoat

made from a kind of llama wool, you know,

it's called a Macca el pakka pakka Macca.

'From the people who brought you the Jennifer Aniston romcoms, What About The Baby?'

Honey, I think it's leaking.

'And...

'What About The Dog?'

Honey, I think it's leaking.

'Comes her new film. What About The Plumber?'

Honey, I think it's leaking.

OK, can we cut, please?

I've got to tell you, mister, I can do better than this.

OK, here's the thing.

I am getting pretty fed-up of the same old movies and the same old lines!

I want a new challenge!

'Now, as you've never seen her before.

'Jennifer Aniston in What About The Mouse?'

Honey, I think it's squeaking.

OK, cut.

Do you think that's too much of a departure?

'See it in cinemas or, you know, just watch the old ones on DVD, again.'

I don't know how you dancers get so good in such a short amount of time. You all look amazing on that show.

Yeah, I know, but it's not actually us, is it?

They use professional dancers and then put our heads on afterwards in the edit.

That's why Russell Grant looks likes he's lost so much weight. They couldn't find a dancer big enough.

-You are kidding me, right?

-No.

And we're back in three, two..

Welcome back to the One Show.

Coming up, Jay Rayner shows us how to prepare a three course dinner party on the cheap

by stealing your neighbour's Ocado delivery.

And history man Dan Snow will himself become history as we present him with his P45.

But first, this.

Hello, I'm Ian Hislop, and welcome to Hislop's Toy Emporium.

If you're a studious and improving child,

then we have literally ten toys all designed by me that you would apparently enjoy. Hoorah.

Meet Ben Ten, the fully articulating Benjamin Disraeli action figure.

Not so fast, Gladstone!

Armed with a retractable copy of the 1867 Reform Act.

Cor! Brilliant!

Children can never get enough ecclesiastical architecture,

so they'll love The British Book of Pop-Up Churches 1845 to 1873.

Wow, it's so neo-Romanesque!

If you're a female type of child,

you'll enjoy the Princess Field Marshall Montgomery playset.

To Tobruk and beyond!

So if you're one of those parents who thinks that children are having too much fun,

and like to get them presents made from wood, Hislop's Toy Emporium is for you.

Allegedly.

Good evening.

You join me as reports are coming in of a major skirmish taking place within the BBC's very own newsroom.

I'm joined by our business editor, Robert Peston.

Robert, can you update me on what's been going on?

Well, yes, Fiona, what I can tell you is that I never started it.

It wasn't me. All this kicked off when I opened the door to my office

and a bucket of water came down faster than the FTSE on a bad day.

We now go over to our political editor, Nick Robison, to find out if he was the one what did it.

Nick?

Fiona, what I can tell you is that nobody is in a position

at present to confirm or to deny the allegations.

Sounds like a yes to me.

Robert, I understand that shortly after the incident, a war of words broke out.

Yes, Robinson said that I talk very, very quickly

and then very slowly because my mum was a broken tape recorder.

Fiona, what I can tell you is a lot of words were said today,

some of which by me, many of which by Peston,

which could indeed have provoked that outburst.

Not least, an allegation that by rubbing my head, Peston can see into the future.

Well, all evidence that we've seen so far would certainly point to that fact.

And would it surprise you to know that Robinson also gave me a Chinese burn?

Which was swiftly followed by Peston putting me in a headlock. Chilling stuff, Fiona.

I don't want to hear any more. Do you realise in your little punch-up,

you knocked over Huw Edward's collection of porcelain owls?

-It was him!

-I don't care. I've had enough of the two of you fighting.

If I hear any more I'll send you both to appear on This Week with Andrew Neil without any supper.

-No, I don't want to.

-Please don't do that.

-No.

Yes! Now, both of you go to apologise to Huw Edwards, then maybe he'll stop crying and come out of the lavatory.

OK, hi, hello to all of you non-famous nobodies out there in cheap sofa land.

All right.

LAUGHS AS RICKY GERVAIS

There he is. That's him.

Tall, isn't he, yeah?

The tall guy, yeah? I like pointing that out, yeah? Fills up air time.

Totally brilliant. It's just a very astute thing to have said.

So can you believe it, another series of An Idiot Abroad done. Finished.

Yeah? Sending Karl Plonkington off to more really exotic places.

In the last episode, yeah...

the Somali Pirate stunt.

Probably a little step too far.

-Hindsight.

-But whatever, move on. Fine. Done.

Yeah? And hurrah, because we've dreamt up an even better cheap show

on the back of my special envelope that I use to devise all my shows.

It's called An Intellectual Abroad.

We're sending David Dimbleby to Magaluf.

-Brilliant.

-Here's another one.

A Blind Person Abroad.

David Blunkett... Venice.

Frosted shreddies, carrots, quilted bog roll.

Shopping list.

Ooh. Yeah, you are right, that is actually my shopping list.

Do you know what, Sky'll probably buy that off us as well.

-Genius.

-We can sort of get anything on.

-An Unusually Tall Man In The Bahamas?

-Anything apart from that.

-Worth a try.

-No, it wasn't.

My mobile phone.

I'd never be without it.

I can call anyone at any time.

Look, Len Goodman.

Len!

Oh, no, he's obviously busy.

Got a really high tech exercise machine, and if I stand on it I can reach the biscuit tin.

Brucie.

He's probably in a meeting.

-My cube.

-'The Cube.'

Craig!

It's Arlene.

Ye..ye... No.

He's gone.

Must be on a train.

Vern likes being tall, too. It means he can always reach the top shelf.

It's the only shelf he looks at in the newsagent's.

Hello, Tess. I feel very relaxed at this unstructured group gathering.

-You mean party?

-Yes, yes, that is the word.

-I was wondering, Tess, could I be in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing?

-Oh, right.

I could be the one who can't dance but who the public fall in love with.

See? I've got no coordination whatsoever. I am worse than Ann Widdecombe.

But people liked Anne.

I'm sorry, Gordon, but I don't think it's going to work.

Oh, don't you? Well, I could have the BBC closed down, you know.

Oh, no, I couldn't, I'm not Prime Minister any more.

Ah, there's Richard Hammond.

Richard, could I be on Total Wipeout?

'It's week one of her new finishing school.

'Today, Katie and her pupils are having a go at some role play.'

Is you a footballer?

Yeah. I is.

Tick.

So how much does you earn a week?

Hundred thousand.

Tick.

Is he married?

No. I'm not.

Cross.

I'm sorry, I never date non-married man.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

Better. Much better.

Hold on. Just a minute.

What's that? I can see your panty line.

Why are you wearing panties?

It really worries me than in Britain today there's still some girls that don't know how to talk back,

that have never bared their breasts for a tabloid newspaper, that don't even know what a vajazzle is.

I mean, you know, at the end of the day, what is happening to our society?

Oi!

Trisha Claythorne, is that you cycling behind the smoking sheds?

'Simon, the problem is the papers in the UK are saying you only care about the American X Factor now.'

Well, that is complete and utter nonsense.

As soon as the UK show comes back on air I will be one 100% focused on it.

'It's been on air for months now, Simon.'

Yeah, I knew that, and it's going great, isn't it?

'Well, not really.

'Some of the British public are actually missing Dannii Minogue.'

Missing Danni Minogue.

-Is that even possible?

-'I know!

'Anyway, what we were thinking is maybe you could sort us out a new judge.'

What, just like that?

Have you any idea how much thought goes into choosing a new judge?

'Sorry, Simon. It's just that..'

No, it's all right, I'm messing with you.

OK, Winston Churchill.

-'But he's dead.'

-OK, if you're going to be awkward about it.

There. Mr Beavis, my old English teacher when I was 12.

I liked him. He had funny ears.

'Well, he's got to be better than Louis Walsh.'

My thinking exactly.

Bye.

-Everybody get down. This is a robbery!

-Hit the floor!

-Down! Now!

-You, fill this up!

A robbery! Thrilling.

This is exciting. Look at your masks.

Scary! I am literally terrified.

Zip it! You... give us the money!

Look, this is real cash.

How much have we got there?

About a million pounds.

You've got a million pounds. I've got the questions.

Let's play The Million Pound Drop!

Your categories are Sport or Current Events.

I know you know your sport, but can't put it all on you.

-Current events.

-Brilliant. Teamwork.

Perfect. Here are your answers.

The back door. The front door.

The fire escape. The question is...

Which door should you scarper through?

And your minute has already started.

Tick tock. So exciting!

-Brilliant!

-Let's go out the back.

They'll be expecting that. Take the fire exit.

We can split the cash, take half each out of different doors. I don't know.

I don't know either. So exciting! Exciiiiiitttiiinnnngg!

All out the front.

All in one place! You know I am so excited I could actually burst!

Bang!

-I'm feeling confident.

-Let's see if you've beaten the Million Pound Drop.

Come on.

I can't believe it!

That is the most exciting and amazing thing I have ever seen.

No!!!

Oh! One minute it's there, the next it's gone.

Are you talking to me?

Yes, you... Are you talking to me?

It's totally confusing as I thought I was the only one here. I'll phone my PA.

Hello? Susan? Susan?

Are you...are you talking to me?

Oh, yes, quite clearly you are.

How very terribly nice to...

Cripes, that keeps happening.

Hello...are you talking to me?

Yes, you quite clearly are. Boris Johnson?

Yes, of course I'll hand you over. This one's for you, I think.

Oh, I have a security tag

so they can find me if I fall down between the cracks in the pavement

or if I'm kidnapped by mice.

Oh, yeah, my favourite gadget is my personal side camera.

You know the one.

Yeah, the English dictionary.

I think it important to speak the language of the country you work in.

So I give one to each of the England players.

You know we live in a world of wonder,

from its breathtaking mountains to vast oceans

to canyons that stretch as far as the eye can see.

But there are few places on this amazing planet of ours

where the astounding beauty

and the raw power of nature are clearer to see than here

at the heart of the Kilauea Volcano.

It's amazing to think

that this volcano has been erupting continuously for 28 years.

Ah! It's like looking into the core of the planet itself.

Thousands of tonnes of raw magma.

Over one thousand degrees centigrade.

It's amazing.

Help! Help!

Brian! What did we say to you about climbing into an active volcano!

You said it would be amazing.

-No, no, no, what did we really say?

-You said don't do it.

-And what did you do?

-I did it.

-Yeah, you did! Right, grab onto this wire.

We're going to winch you up. Stay still. I don't want to put too much pressure on this wire.

Well, actually, the laws of physics say that won't make any difference

because once an object is in motion

its combined mass is almost unaffected by the movement within.

That's why I love the laws of physics because you can be on an aeroplane

and if you jump up and down, that wouldn't actually make the flames any heavier.

Help.

'It's ten in the morning and star pupil Natalie has just got back in from a night out.'

So where were you last night, Natalie? You know you missed your pole dancing lesson.

I don't care, right, and there's nothing you can do about it.

She's good.

Just a minute. What's this?

Oh, well, I just got my boyfriend's name tattooed on my right bap.

-How long have you known him?

-Well, I only met him down the club last night, didn't I,

but I love him so much that it hurts.

No, I'm over it.

You know, she reminds me of a young me, before I had my norks done.

Katie is like such a role model for us all, and she's so professional.

Like, she writes us reports at the end of the week and everything,

although, obviously, she doesn't write them herself.

'Next week on Katie's Finishing School, the course comes to an end.'

I can't believe it.

It's time for my first graduates to pass out.

It makes me so proud.

-Hold her hair back.

-Bog off.

So proud.

Have you ever wished you could think of something rude to say,

but not been able to think of anything until it's too late?

Of course you have. You're an idiot.

Well, now help is at hand with my new limited edition Insult Generator.

Just say a key word into the Insult Generator, and hey presto, it generates an insult.

Plumber.

When a sewer rat comes out of the toilet and spots you, does it scream and run away?

Traffic warden.

When you meet a woman, do you lie and tell her you're a serial killer?

'Over 10,000 insults for every occasion.'

Estate agent.

They say in the event of a nuclear apocalypse, only cockroaches and estate agents will survive.

Poor cockroaches.

I don't know what I'd do without my Insult Generator.

Nor do I... I think your brain cell just died of loneliness.

'The Anne Robinson Insult Generator.

'So simple even a two-year-old could use it.'

Which means it'll be way beyond you.

Today, we want to talk to you about a really serious problem.

Screaming and temper tantrums.

I thought we agreed not to wash our dirty laundry in public.

I was talking about the baby.

Are you, darling? # Well, then that's fine, just get on with it. #

It's OK, I won't let him go on too long. I know you're only here to see me.

As I was saying, screaming and temper tantrums can be a real problem.

But there is one simple solution.

# We're going to put our baby to bed so he can sleep.

# And fly off to our villa in Capri. #

Don't go looking at me like I'm some sort of bad parent.

-I always take the monitor with me.

-But the batteries are flat.

Even better.

Actually, Elton, where is the baby?

Oh, God, I think I've left him at Harvey Nicks.

Coming up later in Countryfile, I'll be visiting a farm where time stands still.

I'll be pony trekking in the Dales.

And I'll be trussed up by an Orkney boatman and dragged behind his trawler as bait.

But first, straw.

You're watching the One Show.

Coming up later, we'll be meeting the football mascot who dresses up in a bee costume

but is in fact allergic to bees.

We'll be conducting a culinary experiment.

By adding one cook to the kitchen every five minutes, we'll find out

-exactly how many cooks it takes to spoil a broth.

-We will. We will.

We will. And we discover which city in Britain has the most people called John Smith in it.

But first, it's over to One Show favourite Dominic Littlewood for some handy DIY advice.

What have you got for us, Dominic?

Well, I've got with me a number of fillers

which will all do an adequate job if it's filling that you need doing.

OK, Dominic Ickle-Wood, say if we needed a lot of filling,

what filler would you recommend?

Well, there are fillers and there are fillers, Chris.

It depends on the scale of the filling you want the filler to fill.

Now, could you give me an indication of the size of the hole that needs filling?

I imagine it's a big one. Are we talking ten minutes?

More like 15.

That is a lot of filling.

I've got a mate called Phil who could be here in five minutes

with more filler and we could start filling.

-Which filler will you be using?

-Let me fill you in on the fillers.

Filling film with Phil, easy squeezy.

Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, lovely stuff.

Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, result, fill fill.

He's such a pro.

So, have you and Nick finally settled your differences?

Well, yes, we have and he has promised absolutely no more childish pranks.

FARTING NOISE

This means war, Robinson.

-Not so fast, Fireman Sam.

-I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.

But can he read my poker face?

Talking to you is like trying to crack the enigma code.

Forgot to breathe.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]