Episode 3 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

Listen, I'm not being funny, but this is, like, the 10th week in a row you've been up here.

You shouldn't be on the stage seating thingy. That is for the judges.

I'm Louis Walsh.

Oh, that's nice...

You know your name.

Did you escape from the retirement people's home?

Do you want us to call someone to get you? DO YOU NEED THE TOILET?

No, I don't! Look, Tulisa, I'm Louis Walsh. I am a judge on The X Factor.

Why would Simon aks his granddad to judge pop music?

Because Simon knows I'm the best.

I know all about great pop music. I created Boyzone!

-Westlife?

-Way before my time, Gramps.

I am personally responsible for Jedward!

Oh, my God, when you say it out loud,

you really can't pretend it never happened.

Shall I call the old people's home, tell them to get your room ready?

I think that might be for the best.

It's very neighbourly of you.

The flat's a mess of packing boxes, and I can't find the coffee.

Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.

When you want to make an impression,

you don't want none of that fancy continental muck.

Here, get that down your neck.

What is it?

Whelks.

The new Pearly King Whelkspresso Machine.

A proper taste of the East End for you to enjoy at home.

Genuine pub-fresh seafood.

Whelks.

Cockles.

Winkles.

Jellied eels.

Crab sticks.

Still,

or fizzy, if they're on the turn.

The romance of Bow Bells, at the push of a button.

I'll have yours, then.

Do you have any unusual skills?

Errrr....

I can fit 400 grapes into my mouth.

I can throw my voice.

'The Cube.'

Pretty impressive, huh?

I'm very good at wink murder.

< SHRIEK

There goes another one.

Hi there. It's David and Elton, and we're going to impart

some of the knowledge that we have gained during our..

Don't milk it, dear. You know they're only here to see me. # Get to the point! #

OK, so now it's time for..

Changing nappies can be a total nightmare...

# Daddy, it's a nightmare

# It smells so bad And it's just not fair... #

Quite. So here's our handy tips for making things so much easier.

# Get a nanny to change the nappy... #

Get a nanny.

That's right.

You know what, those ladies are a godsend.

# They're a godsend... #

David, I think he's done one.

Come on, let's go to Milan.

I don't know your name, but you're on.

# Text me when he goes to university... #

This week sees the release

of Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson's latest blockbuster, The Adventures Of Tintin.

In it, this boy, well, he's not real, but he is,

well, he's a cartoon, but he's not because he's made by a computer, so he looks real, but he's not.

Anyway, he's called Tintin or something

and he works for a newspaper, even though he's a boy. Hello!

And he finds out about stuff going on and he writes about it,

and he meets a man, who is also a cartoon, but he's got a beard,

which I'm slightly obsessed by, and a boat, and they become friends.

And you go, "Really? OK".

So then they go on this boat and boy's dog is on the boat and they go and find out about some stuff.

And when they find the stuff, they stop the stuff from happening,

because it's bad stuff, I mean, it's REALLY bad stuff. And that's what they do.

Then they're not on the boat, which is then pretty much it.

And it said "The End" and all these names came up. Remember that bit?

My friend Natalie said they were people in the film who did stuff on it,

but not actually part of the film, which is good, cos I thought that was really boring.

So go and see it, but leave when I it says "The End".

I liked the dog too.

Tintin opens at cinemas across the country, this Friday.

Coming up later in Countryfile,

I discover a barn full of Victorian milk churns.

I'll be visiting Cumbria's shortest lighthouse.

And I'll be visiting the Truro Show,

where I'll be chained hand and foot and torn apart by shire horses.

But first, mud.

-Is that it?

-Yes.

-You should be more careful - shouldn't leave ducks lying around.

Can I help you sir?

Yes. Can you explain to me why this is a Lost Property office?

Shouldn't it be a FOUND Property office?

Surely if all of these items were lost,

they wouldn't be here, they would be found. I mean, what's going on there?

Have you lost something, sir?

Yes, I have lost my big book of observations.

This morning, I made an observation that when there is a pregnant lady standing in front of you on the bus,

you never know whether to give your seat up for her because she may just be fat!

Preggers or porky? Preggers or porky? What to do?

I made this observation but I didn't have my book of observations, so I wrote it down here.

Well, it just so happens you're in luck, sir.

Somebody handed this in this morning.

Quickly, let me write down my observations before I forget them! Before I forget them.

My Biro does not work!

What's all that about?

I mean, when the assistant in WH Smith said,

"What kind of pen are you looking for, sir?" I did not say, "One that doesn't work".

Mr Found Property man, do you by any chance have a Biro?

You do! This is good, this is good, this is good.

Why am I compelled to chew the end of my Biro?

Why am I compelled to do this? A Biro is not a foodstuff.

It is not. When I go to a cafe, I do not ask for fish and Biros.

And now, foreign news.

I had a lovely time in Tuscany, found a lovely little restaurant off the beaten track,

where the whole staff spoke English and were clean-shaven,

and read the whole of my Jilly Cooper in one day, which is a personal record for me.

Completely missed that earthquake or hurricane or whatever it was that.

I'm sure it wasn't important.

So I said, "Yes, I know they're children's clothes,

"but they are for me. I'm hoping to grow into them".

G'day, Kylie.

Hello, Gordon.

I said "g'day" because that's what they say in Australia, and you're Australian.

Right on both counts.

Anyway, I really must get going.

-Kylie, I was wondering if you needed anyone to do a duet with on any of your upcoming albums or tours?

-Um..

I've got a lovely singing voice, don't worry.

FLAT: # Oh, flower of Scotland, when will we... #

No, Gordon, it's not that.

It's just when I do a duet with someone,

I really need there to be some chemistry.

I've got that! I've been described as sulphurous.

I just don't think it would work.

Oh, don't you? Well, I could have you deported, you little...

No, I couldn't - I'm not Prime Minister any more.

Oh, that is Helen off of Blue Peter. Helen, do you need any Blue Peter Presenters?

Well, I used to be a great runner, you know.

Yes, I used to be able to run all day.

But then they invented the wheel and there wasn't so much call for it.

I can ride a horse.

I can also knock one out with one punch.

Oh, yeah, loads of them, like.

I can name all the kings of England in chronological order

and I can do this.

-That's impressive.

-I know.

Chronological order.

Coochy-coo! Who's a little cutey pie, eh?

Who's a little monkey, and so cute?

Oh, my.

Look at him.

Isn't he beautiful?

He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

Are you saying my baby's ugly!?

No. I really do think he's beautiful.

-What's his name?

-Jayden.

Jayden.

What a lovely name.

What? Don't you like it?

No. I love the name Jayden.

It's a great name.

I wish I'd called my son Jayden.

It's all right if you don't like the name Jayden. You don't have to be quite so mean about it.

Oh, sorry...

Look, my voice just sounds sarcastic.

I can't help it. Everything I say sounds sarcastic.

Do you mean that or are you being sarcastic?

My point exactly.

Believe me, even when I'm ecstatic, I still sound sarcastic.

"Thank you for this BAFTA, I'm really delighted to receive it".

"Oh, look, a cake shop. Hooray!"

See what I mean?

OK, I get it. I'm sorry. Didn't mean any harm. It's fine.

Mmm, smells like someone's done a doo-doo.

-Oh, please, let me. I love changing nappies.

-Really?

Don't be stupid, I really was being sarcastic that time.

Available now on DVD - John Bishop Live!

Who would have thought that me, John Bishop,

just an ordinary lad from Liverpool, would be standing here on his own live DVD.

It's me dream come true.

Includes a DVD commentary by the start himself.

Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop,

just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

would be sitting here in this recording studio,

doing the DVD commentary for his own live DVD

that contains a making of documentary.

It's me dream come true.

Yes, John Bishop talks about John Bishop

talking about John Bishop live on the John Bishop live DVD.

It's me dream come true.

I've met the drug gangs of Colombia, the Neo-Nazi gangs of Moscow

and the deadly prison gangs of South Africa.

but never before have I encountered

the level of intolerance of outsiders evident in this gang,

with their motto "The Only Way is Essex".

I'm in Chigwell to meet the terrifying gang known on the streets as the Towies.

The gang rule the beauty salons and nightclubs of Essex

with a highly manicured orange fist.

In recent times, the Towies have achieved celebrity status,

openly flaunting their insidious gang culture on satellite television.

I'm about to meet one of the leaders - a young woman named Amy.

Hi there, I'm Ross. I mean no disrespect.

Is it cool if we speak with you?

All right?

Luckily I have studied Towie street speak and am ready with the correct response.

-Yeah, I'm all right. You all right?

-I'm all right.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, whatever. I could drink him under the table.

Course I'm up for it. You know me. Never miss a bit of clubbing.

I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.

Two days later, and I'm told it's safe to return.

My contact arranges a meet with one of the gang's heavies, Mark.

So, er, geezer...

Tell me about the average day in the life of a Towie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%.

So I get up, go for a cruise in the convertible.

Then it's off down to the wine bar with couple of the other geezers,

-then hit the gym for a couple of hours.

-All seems perfectly innocent.

I love working out.

Want to feel one of my guns?

I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.

And if I'm going to connect with the gang, I need to earn their trust.

So I've booked myself in to one of the gang's cribs,

or "salons" as they call them, to take one of the gang's initiations.

I don't know what that involves, but it can't be that dangerous

if it's called a "vajazzle".

< Ross! Ross!

< Oh, whatever.

Things kicked off before I could get out of there.

I will carry the secret of what happened inside to my grave.

Suffice to say

I shan't be taking any communal showers for a long, long time.

All you can do is your best.

You train as hard as you can, you learn from the pros

and then you put all that together to do the best dance that you can do

and that's the only way you can win.

Either that or putting itching powder in the other dancers' pants.

Seriously?! Better remember not get on the wrong side of you.

And by the way you parked in my space this morning.

And we're back...

in three, two...

OK, how are you? In a little while, Giles Brandreth will be here on this sofa,

telling you how you can win an all-expenses-paid holiday in Chigley. How cool is that?

You all right, Chris?

Fine.

Good evening. And welcome to The Sky At Night.

Or The Sky Plus At Night if you're watching this tomorrow.

Now, if you look through your telescope around this time of year,

you should be able to see a huge flaming star that threatens to engulf all around it.

You know, the observable universe is just vast and unimaginably huge.

It may even be bigger than that. It's infinite, yeah?

How do we explain that, despite this colossal size,

you'll still bump into your ex in Tesco's when you look a right mess.

Amazing.

Yes, Professor Brian Cox.

You can't get more of a flaming star than this jumped-up little haircut.

Well, who do you think you are, Professor Brian Cox?

Think you can just stroll into the BBC, smile like a big girl,

and convince everyone that the centre of our solar system shines out of Uranus?

Think you're the only one who can sex up science?

Well, I was the hippest thing in astronomy

when your ancestors were still specks of interstellar dust,

floating through the Khyber belt beyond Pluto.

# The universe is fantastic Jupiter's boombastic

# Great red spot storms Are getting drastic

# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive

# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive

# Andromedaaaaaa... #

There, Mr Cox! Stick that up your nebulous and smoke it.

12-0!

Come on!

Hi, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Mandy from the office, her baby's due on Tuesday. Do you want to sign the card and put in for the present?

What kind of investment are we looking at?

-Everyone else has given a fiver.

-So you want £5 of my hard-earned money?

£5 of my children's inheritance?

You know what, it's not worth it.

You give up too easily.

Do you think I'd have won the World Hod-Carrying Championships three years running

if I'd thrown in the towel that easily?

OK, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I will give you half the money,

but I'm going to want 25% of the child.

I can't do this.

That's such a shame.

-Why? You think he should have taken the offer?

-No.

I forgot to say that I own Ryman's.

There's always a first. Now, come on, let's wrestle!

Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

In those shoes?! Don't think so, girlfriend!

Kitten heels may be all the rage,

but you need some lengthy stilettos to lend some length to those fun-sized thighs.

Stick with your Auntie Gok

and we'll have you feeling just as confident about your body with your clothes on or off.

My work here is done!

Gok and roll!

Look, it's no good. We're completely lost.

We should have stayed with the lifeboat on the beach.

Ah, now we're out of water.

Wait! A plane... There's a plane!

They're searching for us! Oh, dear God! Harry, pass us the flare gun.

We're going home, Harry. We're going home!

Not so fast, Sailor Boy.

NO! Now the plane won't spot us.

You're right, they won't. Not with this off-the-peg emergency flare gun.

If you want to be seen,

then you need something homemade that expresses your individuality.

But Peterson is dying.

Yes, dying for some homemade ceramics,

like this vase that I made

with the help from a posh friend of mine who's trying to find a purpose in life.

Wow, that is fantastic!

That knock the spots off any blah-blah flare gun. What do you think, Peterson?

Iridescent.

Well, that search plane might have gone,

but the next one won't miss this bone china beauty.

By the way, where's the nearest Harvey Nicks?

I don't think there is one.

What? No!

Wait!

Come back!

Wait!

Come back!

Come baaaaack!

I can juggle lorries.

I can crack walnuts with my buns.

Sorry, not buns...hammer.

Yeah, I'm great at telling jokes.

How many Katie Prices does it take to write one of my novels?

None.

I don't get that.

Ladies, gentlemen and tabloid journalists...bleurgh!

Welcome, as you are

to this, the unveiling of the new London Cycle Path scheme.

The most perspicuous route, marked here in red,

will revolutionise velocipede travel in our fair city.

Automobiles will be banned from the route,

thereby allowing free and easy movement to aficionados

of this most laudable mode of self-propelled transport.

Isn't this new bike-only path just a direct route from your home to your office?

I don't like what you're insinuating. I don't like it one little bit!

This, of course, just the start of a much bigger scheme.

Phase Two shall see the construction of a cycle path

directly from my house here,

through to my new Swedish PA's flat, here.

Any questions? No? Good.

Boris, I have a question...

And we're joined now by our Political Editor, Nick Robinson.

So, exciting times at Number 10, Nick?

That's right, Fiona.

A leadership contest reaching its climax,

a lame-duck prime minister,

a political legacy in tatters.

Manifesto pledges, long since forgotten,

a chancellor totally out of control, maybe.

A prime minister packing his bags, certainly.

A lurch to the right

for a party already out of touch with its members.

Dark days indeed for a government

that promised so much

and for the Prime Minister, a political wilderness surely awaits.

Robinson!

I'll get you, Robinson!

And, you know, don't forget that

through all of the trials and tribulations of being a parent

that every child's a blessing.

Every day you see your reflection in your newborn's face.

-I mean, I think he has my eyes and my nose.

-He's got my hair.

-You think?

-No, really.

He's got my hair. I want it back! Look at that. It's ruined!

It's got baby sick all over it. This is the one I wore at the Royal Wedding!

Stacey Solomon, how's life as a celebrity?

Woo! Yeah, it's mental.

People, like, call my name out in the street and I'm like, "Really?"

They're like "Stacey!"

And I'm like "Oh, my God!"

And my mum's like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

"Stacey Solomon's famous!"

And I was like winding her up the other day, right,

saying that I was going to change my name and that.

But I wouldn't really, cos I'm Stacey Solomon.

Everyone knows me as Stacey Solomon,

so if I changed my name, they'll expect somebody else,

not Stacey Solomon, cos that's who I am, not the other person,

if you see what I mean.

They'd have to change my name on the door,

then I wouldn't know where to go to.

So, what's going on?! Oh, my God!

My mum would say, "Hello, Stacey"...

Later on the One Show...

that's this show, that's us, what we're doing now, the One Show, us...

violence on our streets. Why we can't send Giles Brandreth out any more.

And later on, the hidden costs of child obesity.

We talk to Amy, aged six, who's already squashed three ponies.

But first, this.

Hi. I'm Simon Cowell.

We all know times are tough, but I want to tell you about a great money-making opportunity.

You could be earning up to £7 an hour working from home.

I used to struggle by on a million pounds an hour, and, let me tell you, it was tough.

Now I'm living the high life on one million and seven pounds an hour.

Plus I've still got time for the important things in life, such as a quality hour with my fiancee.

Hi, I'm Simon.

Do you mind if I stuff these envelopes while we talk?

Do what I did, and "Factor" a little "Xtra" into your pocket.

£7 extra.

I can work the fact that I knew the Beatles into any conversation.

See?

I can grope women whenever I like and not get arrested.

Like, yeah, I'm the world's record holder at speed-talking.

Sometimes I finish what I'm saying before I started.

Another world record. What am I like?!

I like to know everything I can about where our food comes from,

because you are what you eat.

Making me a mixture of hedgehog, badger, seaweed and toad spit.

This is Tina. Tina's lived outside River Cottage all her life.

And tonight, I'm going to eat her.

Sorry, Tina.

I know she's lived on organic grain in spacious accommodation

with everything a chicken could want.

I've even installed a miniature Jacuzzi. She likes that.

So I know Tina's had a really nice life.

but I want to know more.

Where does she really come from?

Hugh has called in notable historian Sebastian De Twaddle.

Well, I have some good news for you, Hugh.

I think I may have found one of Tina's relatives and there's an Army connection.

OK, and... Yeah, there it is.

By Jove, it appears Tina's grandfather

once served under a Colonel Sanders.

-Very grand!

-And there's more.

Tina's great-great-great-great grandmother was a star of stage and screen in the '80s.

Incredible...just incredible.

But, and you may not like this, Hugh, Tina's great-great-great-great grandfather

was not actually a chicken at all.

-Good grief!

-What sort of bird is that?

It's been a voyage of discovery for Hugh.

I now know that Tina is not 100% pure chicken.

But as it happens, I'm not 100% pure human.

One of my ancestors was a squirrel.

This long journey has taught me that Tina and I have a lot in common.

It's also made me extremely hungry.

Which was extremely bad news for Tina. Bon appetit!

Good old Tina!

Yeah, right. The weather.

Today...sunny.

Tomorrow...sunny.

The next day...sunny.

Every day...sunny.

Cos I've got a sunbed, haven't I?

And you know, at the end of the day,

if you can't afford one, get some fake tan.

I can't use real sun, anyway, cos me norks mean the rest of me's in the shade.

Mars is astonishing.

Jupiter...astonishing.

Ay-up, lad. Neptune's astonishing.

Pluto IS ASTONISHING!

Saturn...astonishing.

My steak and kidney pie...astonishing.

Brian Cox gets paid to do this?!

Astonishing!

Who'd have thought it? Me, John Bishop - a bishop!

Brilliant. So exciting.

Of a Friday, I love to give it all drum and bass action and a lick-up stylee.

And some lovely fat melons.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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