Episode 2 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

So, the quarter-finals.

Do they know what they're letting themselves in for?

Not a clue.

That kitchen is like a cross between Death Valley,

the surface of the sun, and hell.

-It's hot in there.

-Like tamale!

-The Devil would demand an air conditioner.

Do they really think they've got what it takes at this level?

-At this level?

-At THIS level.

-At this level?

-At THIS level.

-At this level.

-AT this level.

-AT this level.

-They don't!

They're like cows at the abattoir, blindly walking towards the toughest dish known to man.

-Souffle!

-Souffle!

-Souffle!

Now I become death, destroyer of worlds. Souffle!

I know what you're thinking. Did he use four eggs or five?

In all this excitement, I've completely forgot.

-Are you feeling lucky, punks?

-Souffle!

The fall of Western civilisation, right here, right now.

-Souffle!

-They can't handle the truth!

-They can't handle the souffle!

-Souffle!

For the love of all that's good - souffle!

POTS CLANG

-OK, you've got ten minutes left.

-Ten minutes.

Good luck.

So Holly Valance is from Australia. I thought she talked like that cos she had something wrong with her.

Mind you, there was yesterday - someone put laxatives in her drink.

She did a minute waltz in three and a half seconds

and then spent four hours on the bog.

I won't use so many next time.

Oh, you're a devil. You really are, you're a ickle devil.

And we're back in three, two...

MUSIC: Theme from The One Show

OK, coming up next on The One Show, we shall be in Surrey.

We will, in Surrey, we will, we will, in Surrey, we will,

talking to the World War II veteran and war hero

who's never met the Queen and never had a medal.

That's us chatting to

Obergruppenfuhrer Heinrich Klump later.

But first - this.

What can I say, Theo?

Some of these entrepreneurs just need a good kick up the backside.

Yeah, but you can't actually kick 'em up the backside, though.

If she presses charges...

Cor! Check out the buns on that!

-Sorry, guys, can I have your mics, please?

-Yep.

I might need a bit of a hand with mine, love.

Hmmmm...

Left a bit.

I hope you don't mind me asking, erm, only I'm running the marathon

for a local charity.

Would you guys sponsor me? It's a pound a mile?

OK. Well let's get into the numbers.

Now, I make that a projected income...

of 26 quid.

Well, yeah, it's a pound a mile,

so 26 miles is 26 quid.

Well done. You've done your homework.

So I'm going to make you an offer.

But for 26 of my hard-earned pounds,

I'm going to want double.

I want 52 miles.

I can't do that.

What, a big strong boy like you?

I'll have you know, when I first started me pallet business

I couldn't afford a forklift truck

so I had to carry all the stuff on me back.

Look, have a feel if you like.

You know, Hilary,

you're in such good shape for a woman of indeterminable age.

You're not wrong there.

Now, look, young man, Theo has made you a very good offer here.

I suggest you take it before he mentions his business again.

-Did I mention that I own Rymans?

-Too late.

I knew I shouldn't have asked.

Never mind him. Come on, let's wrestle.

SHE GRUNTS

This week, I tell you about the, er, English countryside.

This is where the Englishmen, they dress up in the red party jacket,

they have many dog and horse, and they go hunting.

But what do they hunt that they need so many dog?

The lion? The tiger?

The grizzly bear? The John Terry?

No. They hunt a little fox.

It take a-50 of them to hunt a little Basil Brushy fox.

And a-guess what? They not allowed to catch him.

It's illegal. Good. So they PRETEND to hunt the fox.

It's like-a the pantomime.

-Oh, no, it isn't!

-Oh, yes, it is!

He cannot help himself.

This week sees the release

of the much anticipated blockbuster, Captain America.

In this latest offering from Marvel Studios

we see this really cool man

and he's, like, in the army, or a general, or something,

and he comes from America, or Alaska, or something like that.

But most of all, he's really yummy, if I can say that out loud.

So he does this thing, and it all goes, "Boom, swoosh!"

And the other man, who's got a red head and kind of no face,

he's on the other side and he goes, "Boooommmm! Crruuushhh!"

And, "Krrrakkkkk! Poosssssh!"

And someone goes, "Noooooooo!"

Which I think was the best bit.

What did you think? Then the man with the red head

ends up all, "Arrrggghhhhhh!"

Which is also a good bit,

but it turns out he's not really dead, which is good too.

In the end, I thought it was - I'm going to use a big word here

magnificent.

So you might like it, but then again, of course, you might not.

Anyway, the film opens nationwide this Friday.

I once laughed so hard at my own joke that I burst my eardrums.

HE CACKLES

Ooh.

Gosh, yes, very embarrassing.

I was doing an Antiques Roadshow

and I dropped a priceless vase like this one.

I'm not paying for that.

I've been run over by John Major, Tony Blair,

Gordon Brown, and David Cameron

even Boris Johnson's hit me with his bike.

It's almost as if they don't like me.

Lovely day today, isn't it, Paul?

Lovely?! Have you gone stark-raving mad?

It's like the wrath of God out there!

Five minutes in that sun and you'd have skin like an armadillo!

I'm sweating like a teenage footballer

on his first night in prison here, I really am!

What is it about the warm weather that means fat, ugly people

can walk down the high street wearing nothing but fake tan

and a tattoo that says, "fat tourist" in Chinese?

It's like someone dressed up a load of space hoppers in bikinis.

You can keep your picnics an' all.

Sitting on a cow pat eating a wasp sandwich?

I've had more fun having root canal!

At least we won't have to worry about the heat too long. We'll be dead of skin cancer by the weekend!

I was going to ask you if you want to come over for a barbecue

I'd rather stick me face in a fan!

-So where were you when the crime took place?

-At home.

At home?

The cake stand - it's where I live.

So you must have got a view of the perpetrator. Can you describe him?

He was a man. Surprise, surprise.

Could you be a bit more specific?

A man.

A useless waste of space that's only good for one thing -

and that's refilling the HobNob box.

Right, and can you tell me what he looked like?

He looked a bit weird.

Weird in what way?

Well he had two ears,

which is a bit pointless cos we all know men don't listen.

Was there anything unusual about the robber's behaviour?

Yes, he was filling a bag with money

whilst telling everyone not to move.

First time I've ever seen a man multi-task.

If you did actually see a robbery take place,

how come you can't you tell me a thing about the man that did it?

Because I'm in shock.

The whole thing was very upsetting.

I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It must have been traumatic.

You're telling me, he knocked over a cake stand.

Oi! That's no job for a man.

Leave the cleaning up to me.

I'll just eat them off the floor.

Men, honestly.

In Russia they have the Bolshoi ballet,

in Austria they have the waltz,

in Spain they dance the flamenco,

this is dancing in England.

See, they call it Strictly Come Morris Dancing.

It's all men.

The ladies, they not do this dance.

I think maybe it too girly for them.

All the Morris dancer have the beard.

It's so their friends they no recognizing them.

-Hey, Tulisa, there you are.

-I wasn't nicking 'em.

I didn't say that you were. You've been doing a great job as a judge,

You've owned it, you've nailed it. How can I put this?

The X Factor - it's a huge, great big show.

Sometimes it can get a bit...daunting. Just a little.

Relax, "Lewis", I totally get it.

Great! You totally get it.

You want some advice, right, you've come to the right place.

I have got two whole years of experience

which no-one in the world can match.

I created Westlife and they've been going much longer than that.

I was going to give you some pointers.

Excuse me, Grandad - talking!

-Sorry.

-Right, here's my advice

from everything I've learned over my long career.

Listen up. Don't bite the microphone, it's not a toy.

If someone says, "N-Dubz to the stage," that's you.

The two guys on stage are part of the band,

so don't set security on them.

If you can hear your voice but your mouth ain't moving, you're miming.

If there isn't an X on the front of your desk, you're at school.

Judges don't have to queue up for the X Factor,

even though there isn't actually a sign that says that and there should be.

And don't wear your Lycra stage outfit on the bus, cos there's nowhere to put your ticket.

Right.

Seriously. You do all that, you can't go far wrong.

No Lycra on the bus.

If only I'd known THAT sooner.

Do you have a voice that could curdle milk?

That makes nails on a blackboard sound like nightingale song?

Then what you need is the...

It's ever so simple.

Just hold the device up to your mouth...

-IN POSH VOICE:

-..and hey presto!

You sound like a right posh cow.

Choose from over 100 silky smooth voices. There's Lorraine Kelly...

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Oh, there! That's so much better!

Joanna Lumley...

-POSH VOICE:

-Lovely.

Who better to pronounce the Queen's English than the Queen?

-SHE IMITATES THE QUEEN:

-One has never enunciated more clearly.

The Janet Street-Porter Vowel Destrangler. Download it now!

OK, thanks for coming.

Really, it's just to say that all of the rumours that you've heard...

All of them are true.

-Ooh!

-And all of the surviving Beatles

are going to be getting back

for a special reunion tour.

-So it's going to be an amazing thing, you know.

-Sir Paul?

-Yeah.

Isn't that just you and Ringo?

Well, to be honest, I didn't actually ask Ringo, you know.

I sort of just thought that no-one would miss him.

So, it's all of the surviving Beatles except Ringo.

Sort of like...The Fab One.

FROG SONG RINGTONE Excuse me.

Yeah, it's Paul, you know?

FRANTIC JABBERING

Look, I'm sorry, Ringo, I just sort of thought that you'd be busy

with all the train stuff.

JABBERING Who's told him?

Look, Ringo. It's cool, you know?

Of course you can come on the tour.

JABBERING It's cool. All right, peace and love.

All right. Thanks, Ringo.

Do you know, that is actually good news.

We needed someone to sell the t-shirts.

FROG SONG RINGTONE I'm not answering that.

And we're joined now by our Political Editor, Nick Robinson.

So, difficult times at Number Ten, Nick?

That's right, Fiona.

Resignations, sackings, in-fighting, back-room deals.

Make no mistake, the next 24 hours

will be the most important in the life of this Government.

Will the Prime Minister call a General election?

Maybe he will. It's a big gamble.

But this is a Prime Minister

who doesn't mind rolling the political dice.

Ooh!

Eurrgh!

Robinso-o-on! I'll get you, Robinson!

I was involved in a head-on collision with a hippo.

The surgeon done wonders to put us back together,

but I think I ended up with the hippo's teeth.

I got so excited last night,

that I inhaled my whole family

in my lungs.

It's SO exciting!

I have a hilarious story about that.

Actually, I don't.

Or about anything else.

This dancing not the only old English tradition

that still survive.

This a gurning.

The old man, he make a bad face.

This is the whole game. This is sport in England.

It's like a-football except the players are much better looking.

I mean this fella, he a real ugly bug, but he no Gary Neville.

Next week, I look at old English tradition of pigeon fancying.

Si, they fancy the pigeon.

I suppose that what it mean when Ashley Cole say he pull a bird.

What can you do?

Well, it was nice to have eaten with you, to have eaten with you nice.

Thank you so much, Jan, my darling.

Brucie!

Oh, goodness me, what a wonderful...surprise.

You do remember me? Arlene.

Oh, yes, of course I do! So are you keeping well?

Oh, well...

So, are you keeping well?

Well, of course! I'm great. I'm fantastic.

I'm so lonely!

So terribly, terribly lonely!

Now, come on, there's no need for all this.

Let's lift that mood. Higher, higher.

Would it interest you to know that you're my favourite?

Really? You're not just saying that?

I'm not the sort to toss catchphrases around lightly.

Oh, you don't know how much that means to me, Brucie,

you saying that.

I think I can finally move on and leave the past behind.

No more tears, no more therapists.

No more eating cat food straight out of the tin.

From now on, I eat it off a plate.

Thank you, Brucie! Thank you so much!

MUSIC: STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME

Blimey, Bruno Tonioli's really let himself go!

I love Chinese food.

I just wish cooking it was a bit more...exciting.

You want exciting Chinese food? Don't worry, girlfriend.

I've got noodles of excitement for you.

It's a wok....

it's a gun....

It's the new Gok Wan Wok Gun.

A Gok Wan Wok Gun? I want one!

Of course you do. Everyone wants some Gok Wan Wok Gun fun.

And for a limited time only, buy one Gok Wan Wok Gun

and get one Gok Wan Wok Gun free.

My worn-out old wok's gone, now I've got a Gok Wan Wok Gun.

The Gok Wan Wok Gun,

from the people who brought you the Ken Hom Hen Comb.

It's fierce, girlfriend!

-TV:

-'I particularly like the early 1980s mass-manufactured look

'with a reserve of £30 at auction...'

Charles, we need to talk.

-Couldn't it wait until Cash in the Attic's finished?

-No.

But that woman there just found a vase that could sell at auction

for up to £30.

Makes one think, doesn't it? Wonder if this old tat's worth anything?

Ohhh! One was watching that!

Never mind "Ohhh!", Charles. Just look at yourself!

slumped on the sofa watching mind-numbing junk!

Now, that's well a lie!

Mind-Numbing Junk With Nick Knowles isn't on for another two hours yet.

We've got a Loose Women water-retention special on next.

Poopie, you can't just sit there and wait for a job to come to you.

You've got to get on your bike and go get yourself one!

Here one goes again.

Don't you realise there's a global recession going on?

One has applied for hundreds of jobs, but when times get tough,

Kings are one of the first things countries cut back on.

I've already been through that.

Oh, really?

Look.

There we are.

"Positions Vacant King."

-There.

-That's in Swaziland.

-Huh?

One simply can't leave London and go down there.

-Greenland?

-With my back?!

Wakey-wakey, Charles!

You can't just laze around all day like a loser!

HE GROANS

You're absolutely right.

I'm going to get a job and laze around all day like a king.

Welcome back to The One Show

Tonight, it's every parent's worst nightmare.

What can you do if you discover that both your sons are Jedward?

And we meet the Kent woman who just three years ago was penniless,

-but now has a penny.

-But first - this.

Multi-million dollar home, sweet multi-million dollar home.

Where shall I put your hate mail, boss?

Oh, just stick it with the rest. Little stuffy in here.

I think I'll open the window.

No, don't do that, boss!

-ANGRY SHOUTING

-Go home, limey!

Who the hell are you to tell me I can't sing?

Oh, I remember your singing

and I've heard a cat in a blender make a more appealing noise.

-You're a jerk!

-Missed!

I've seen a girl who's really bad at throwing, throw better than you.

Take that, Cowell!

Right! That's the last straw! I quit!

OK, reality check.

You can't go. I tell people when to go.

That's my job.

-Not this time, buddy. Man, I lost three teeth.

-I can get you new ones.

I've lost the hearing in this ear, the sight in this eye.

I've almost been stabbed, shot.

I've been bitten by Louis Walsh and hit by bricks twice.

Three times!

OK, quiet day.

Well I've had enough. I'm out of here.

You know what? That's a real shame.

You have been my favourite bodyguard ever, er...

-Denzel.

-That's right, Denzel. How will I ever replace you?

I'm sure you'll think of something

OK, memo to self.

Hi there, Simon. Great new programme idea.

Bodyguard Idol. OK, Simon. Bye.

The headlines tonight - thousands of students will learn today.

The rest will sit at the back of the class,

texting friends on their mobiles.

And scientists have discovered a new species of cockroach

and say it's only a matter of time before it starts dating Katie Price.

We've got a full-time vacancy for a sales consultant,

working for a mobile phone company based in Swindon.

35K plus bonus pool.

And would that involve being King at all?

Let's have a look.

-No.

-Ah!

Hang on. Here's one.

Vacancy - King.

Would involve being fawned over by loyal subjects.

-Must have own crown and sceptre.

-That sounds absolutely perfect.

It does sound right up your street.

You're fully experienced at waving?

-And you can say...

-"And what do you do?"

I'm so way ahead of you.

Great! And you do have a clean driving licence?

My chauffeur does, yes.

Excellent. Well, I'll just give them a call.

-I assume you've got experience.

-Hmm?

-I assume you've got experience being king?

-Well...

-Just a couple of years is fine.

-No.

-6 months?

-No.

-A few weeks?

-No.

-A day?

-Yes!

-Really?

-No.

I'm sorry.

The council have got a job for a toilet cleaner.

I'm really looking for something with a sceptre.

Well, I suppose you could use it to unblock the toilets.

HE WEEPS

I'm so sorry. Have you got a place to stay?

Yeah. Seven, actually.

Sir Paul are the rumours true?

OK, I've got some bad news.

I'm leaving the re-formed Beatles.

I guess we just had one or two creative differences, you know?

Bit of a drag.

But I'm starting a new band.

It's a reunion of all the surviving members of Wings

apart from Denny Laine, so...

So that's...?

Yeah, it's basically just me again.

FROG SONG RINGTONE I'm not answering that.

Well, I'm forever falling off my skateboard

and tripping over my Nintendo DFS

and other things that we young people do.

Yeah.

I once walked out of a changing room into a crowded shop

completely naked.

Oh sorry, did you say accident? Oh, no.

Yeah, I accidentally switched dairies with Cheryl Cole

at the hairdressers.

Though to be honest, that's turned out quite well for me.

Yeah, have you ever wondered why

when ever anybody walks into a glass door, or falls off a ladder,

or trips over a small dog, there's always somebody there to film it

for You've Been Framed?

I know I have!

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Volcanoes are just the earth getting acne.

Ooh! No, not that secret.

This secret. Follow me.

I got the idea for this from Minority Report,

you know that film with that Tom Cruise?

You don't know? That's all right. I'll get Tom to explain it.

Hi there, Tom.

He says it's the sci-fi one

where they wire up baldies to see into the future

which sounds even more far-fetched than scientology.

I think Tom might have heard that. Ow!

Yes, Tom definitely heard that. Oh! Stop it! Naughty Tom!

Anyway, where are we going to find a baldy to wire up

at this short notice?

Yeah, all right. No need to phone in.

Now, whenever there's an amusing accident some time in the future,

I have a vision of it.

Just go with it, all right?

Patching the vision through now.

Here we go.

-Arrgh!

-Ooh!

What a shot. Straight in there.

What are the chances of that happening?

Now just need to go and catch it on film.

Yeah I got it! Phew, that was just in time.

Do hurry up, Charles.

-You don't want to miss your carriage for work.

-On one's way.

I'm so proud of you, Poopie. A King at last!

I've packed your favourite. Jellied pheasant and rollmop swan.

Thank you, treacle.

# Knees up, Queen Mother Brown, Knees up, Queen Mother Brown. #

Other way, dear.

Cor blimey, guvnor. Love a duck, have a banana.

Phoar!

On the Square, I'm just a nobody

with ridiculously large earrings.

But on the dance floor, I'm the king.

With ridiculously large earrings.

They call me Snake Hips.

Cos I look like a python that's swallowed a bus.

MUSIC: "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees

'Dance floors will never be the same again.'

Every day, sunny. Cos I've got a sunbed, haven't I?

I don't want to hear any more.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail: [email protected]