Episode 1 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


Episode 1

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Transcript


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Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have never seen something like that with my eyes, ever.

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-That was amazing!

-Tulisa, what was amazing?

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That boy had the X, Y and Z factor! He was totally banging up there!

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In all my many years in the music industry, I've seen like five, six, seven bands, maybe eight.

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Definitely less than nine. But that guy was the ultimate!

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Everyone else is just totally embarrassing themselves by even turning up. I mean, forget it!

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Tulisa, what are you talking about? We haven't even started.

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What are you talking about, Granddad? That guy totally nailed it. He was wicked!

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And check out his lyrics. He was like...

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# One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two

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-That was the sound check.

-LAUGHTER

-The sound check?

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Man, he's even got a cool name!

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LAUGHTER

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This week sees the release on DVD of the critically acclaimed drama The King's Speech.

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In this film we see this guy, he's like 40 or something and he's Prince of Wales, or a lord, or the king,

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but not the king now, the king yonks ago in the 80s or something, whenever it was black and white.

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So he tries to give a speech and he's going, "B-B-B-B..." And everyone's like, "Spit it out!"

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And he wants to but he can't, which I found quite moving. Did you?

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I mean, he tries and he really can't. It's very annoying. I mean really, really annoying.

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And then, er, this man turns up and starts going, "Do this!" And then he says, "I can't."

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And then he says, "Do this!" He says, "I can't!"

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Then he says, "Do this!" again, and the king goes "B-B-B-B..." And so on and so forth.

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And everyone's like, "He can't do it!" But then he does. But, er, he still talks funny anyway.

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And then the film ended and that was, like, the end. I didn't really understand it.

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And, actually, I missed most of it, because I was talking.

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-The King's Speech comes out on DVD on Monday.

-SHE PANTS

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In Countryfile this week, I'll be heading west in search of the perfect cream tea.

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I'll be taking a gentle walk through Kingfisher country.

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And I'll be face-deep in fun as I go bobbing for pennies in Dorset's largest pile of manure.

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But first, gates.

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-So, last week was tough.

-Tough as steel, John.

-Tough as titanium, Gregg.

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-They have never had it so tough!

-Until now.

-Until now, tonight, here, now, tonight!

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-They thought they had it hard. They didn't know a thing.

-The mollycoddled idiots!

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-No more Mr Nice Guys, this is quiche.

-Quiche is hard, John.

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Damn right! Tonight is the biggest test ever. This...is tougher than childbirth.

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-Childbirth?

-It's tougher than fighting in trenches.

-They will be praying for death's sweet kiss

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-after 20 minutes in the MasterChef kitchen once they attempt quiche. Quiche!

-Quiche!

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They are doing quiche. They have no idea what this will do to their minds, bodies and families.

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-They may never see their families again!

-Quiche!

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-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

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LAUGHTER

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OK. You've got five minutes. Five minutes. Good luck.

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Well, I remember being in a beautiful garden on a warm summer's day. It was paradise.

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Then Adam ate the apple and all hell broke loose.

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Well, you know, I remember being a little kid and having my toenails painted.

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Of course, that was back when I could see my feet.

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I can remember when Stephen's head

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-didn't have a permanent snow cap.

-Brilliant.

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Oh, avalanche.

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-Miss Willoughby, dinner is served.

-Oh, thanks for having me round to dinner, Phil.

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I didn't have a chance to get anything in. The garage was closed.

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Well, it's the least I can do for my most favourite This Morning co-host in the whole world.

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Aw! Mm. Looks lovely, Phil. You cook a mean sausage.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, I'm starving. Shall we tuck in?

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Not so fast, Holly! First, let's find out the rules.

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'Inside The Cube, the game is for Holly to eat her meal while wearing boxing gloves.'

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-What are you doing, Phil?

-Hang on, Holly. That's not all. Is it, Mr Cube Man?

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'That's right, Phil. She'll also have a colander on her head.

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'Holly will have to force the sausages through the little holes on the colander and into her gob!

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-'Will she take on the challenge?'

-Stop it, Phil!

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So, Holly, will you take on The Cube?

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-'The Cube!'

-Phil, you've got to stop doing this.

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-The Cube has taken over your life.

-'The Cube!'

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That sounds like a yes, she's going to take the challenge!

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-Get ready, Holly, to take on The Cube!

-'The Cube!'

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We're not in The Cube, Phil, we're in your kitchen eating sausages.

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'Sausages!'

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Now, best of luck, Holly. The whole audience is really rooting for you on this.

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Remember, if you don't eat all the sausages, then you won't get any pudding,

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-and it's Phil's extra-special spotted dick.

-'Spotted dick!'

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Two out of five people usually succeed in this challenge.

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-Good luck, Holly, it's time for you to take on The Cube!

-'The Cube!'

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For the last time, Phil, we are not in The Cube, and where the hell is that voice coming from?

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'Under the table!'

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That's the main headlines, now let's go over to the news where you are in the country,

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which is the news I've just told you, but read by someone slightly shabbier in a cheaper jacket.

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Paul, you're one of the first to know. I've got some big news.

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-I'm expecting.

-Expecting?

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I should say you are! Expecting to have your life ruined, you poor cow!

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Best of luck with nine months of bladder problems, that's all I'm saying.

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Not to mention the cravings, the mood swings and morning sickness. It'll all work out in the end.

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You'll have stretch marks on your body, not to mention your purse!

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Have you thought of the pocket money? Do you know how much that is these days?

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Won't fit in a pocket, I'll tell you that.

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They shouldn't call it pocket money, more like suitcase money!

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If being pregnant is good news, what's bad? Leprosy?

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-I was going to ask you to be the godfather.

-I'd rather lick a tramp!

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LAUGHTER

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I'm here thousands of feet... underground in the Cumbria caves.

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And this...is the deepest cave system in all of Europe.

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And it was formed... millions...of years ago

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when giant pockets of organic acids bubbled up,

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through the earth's strata.

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And there are few places that better demonstrate the beauty

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and complexity of the planet that we live on.

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And this cave system is so deep, so remote,

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that it's taken me an amazing two days

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of walking, crawling and climbing,

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to get here, and at some point

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on that amazing journey

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through the vast network

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of tunnels and caverns,

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me map fell out me pocket, and I'm totally lost.

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-Help! Help!

-LAUGHTER

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It was unbelievable. Lulu had Russell Grant in a headlock,

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and then she pulled his leotard up so high it took three crew members to pull it back out of his bum!

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-I don't even know if they got it in the end.

-You being serious? What made her do that?

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Apparently, he asked her what it was like to play at the opening of the Coliseum.

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We're back in three, two...

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Welcome back. Coming up, are tunnels the best way to get your children into over-subscribed schools?

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And Gyles Brandreth will be in Maidstone meeting the grandmother known to everyone on her estate

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-simply as, "that thieving cow".

-LAUGHTER

-But first, this.

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I've been here for about an hour now, mooching around, trying to get a feel for how the shop works.

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And you know what? It doesn't.

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It's like someone ate a load of clothes and then threw up.

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So, Mary, what do you think of our little shop?

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First impressions, I think it's a bloody disaster.

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You're lucky you're not selling brain cells cos I don't think you've got any in stock.

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I mean, you've got to ask yourself, how does a customer feel when they grab a load of clothes

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and then have to take them in this dirty toilet of a room to try them on?

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It's cramped, there's nowhere to hang anything, no-one is ever going to want to come back.

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You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Anyway, I hope that's all clear. Good luck with everything.

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-Aren't you going to give us some advice?

-No.

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I've had a think and actually, everything is brilliant, so congratulations.

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-Is that the time? Better get cracking.

-What's that under your coat?

-Nothing, got to go. Bye!

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Get your hands off me, my dad's a copper!

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-Hey!

-ALARM

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LAUGHTER

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-THUNDER

-Help!

-Brian! Are you down there?

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Help! I'm here. I'm scared of the dark.

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-Yes! I've found him.

-I'm here.

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Oh, Brian! What did we say to you about going caving on your own?

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You said...it would be...amazing.

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What did we really say?

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You said don't do it.

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-And what did you do?

-I did it.

-Yeah, you did.

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Oh, Brian, what planet are you on?

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The planet Earth, the third from the sun,

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93 million miles away in orbit around our star.

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That's 150 million kilometres.

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One of the terrestrial, rocky, inner planets.

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-And it was from...

-MUFFLED SPEECH

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-For your own good, Brian. Come on.

-LAUGHTER

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Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting the farmers who are calling for sustainable sheep dip.

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I'll be trying out a combine harvester with a side car.

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And I'll be rodding the drains in the country's least hygienic abattoir.

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But first, cheese.

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Skinny latte, please, sweetheart. Oh, do it in soya milk if you can.

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Lactose gives me gas.

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Come on, Theo, a real man wouldn't worry about a bit of gas.

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He'd blow it out. Let them know you're there.

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"Yes, your Holiness, it was me. And you might want to open a window. I've got another one brewing."

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Tea! Four sugars, love.

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I'll get these. How much?

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-£4.50 please.

-OK, I'm going to offer you all of the money,

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but I want 100 percent of the drinks.

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I don't really care who has the drinks, I just need the £4.50.

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OK, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

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Now, you've still got another Dragon in here.

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So, let me tell you where I'm at.

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I own one of the leading retail outlets in the country.

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It's not relevant but I always feel the need to mention it.

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-Make her an offer or butt out.

-All right, I will.

-LAUGHTER

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I'm prepared to offer you the £2.25

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but I am going to want 50 percent of the drinks.

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I'm happy if you want to pay separately. I just need the £4.50.

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OK. I'll match Theo's offer.

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Congratulations. You've got yourselves two Dragons.

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Well done, Theo. I like the way you buy coffee.

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-Now, let's wrestle!

-LAUGHTER

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Well, of course, I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

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-Quite literally. It took the surgeon four hours to remove it.

-LAUGHTER

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I got so many memories from being a kid. It's like it was yesterday.

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Because it was yesterday.

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He coming! He's coming! Ooh!

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Shh! Shh! Shh! Quiet!

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-Hey!

-ALL: Hey!

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ALL # For he's a jolly good Scouser For he's a jolly good Scouser

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# For he's a jolly good Scouser

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# And so say all of us

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Aw! It's the famous comedian returned home.

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I know, Mam, who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

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would be a famous comedian?

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-We're dead proud of you, our John.

-Ah, cheers, Dad. All right, mate!

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Aww!

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You are so famous, John. You're bigger than the Beatles.

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-Oh, don't be soft, Sis.

-You're bigger than Jesus!

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-Aw, don't be daft, Mam.

-You're bigger than Kenny Dalglish!

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Leave it! He doesn't know what he's saying.

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-Er, John, about you being an ordinary lad from Liverpool.

-What?

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Dad! No. You're not going to tell him.

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He needs to know, Ma.

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Have you ever noticed anything different about yourself?

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Anything different at all?

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What are you trying to say, Dad?

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Son, there's no easy way of saying this.

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You're adopted.

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You mean to tell me that I'm not an ordinary lad from Liverpool?

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You are a lad from Liverpool. You're just not an ordinary one.

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-MUSIC

-Surprise, surprise, John.

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That's right. I'm your real mam.

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Well, come here and give us a hug.

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Oh, I'm getting all weepy, a lorra, lorra tears.

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-Calm down, calm down.

-Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

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isn't really an ordinary lad from Liverpool, but Cilla's son?

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That's right. You're Scouse royalty!

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-Give us another hug!

-It's me dream come true!

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Don't tell me, me dad's Tarby!

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Hey! I did a lorra blind dates, but none of them blind drunk!

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THEY LAUGH

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And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.

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So some interesting developments at Number Ten.

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Well, that's right, Fiona. Exciting times at Downing Street today.

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But more than that, important times.

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Meetings, right now, behind me in Number Ten.

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Meetings between many of the world leaders,

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meetings that could change the face of politics forever.

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It may not be good news for the prime minister,

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but make no mistake, this is a seismically important night for Europe and for the world.

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HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

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Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

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Hey there, it's Paul, you know. Now, those folks over at the Impressions Show,

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they got in touch and said, "Hey. Paul, we're looking to try and put a band together.

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"Do you reckon you could do us a favour, call a few of your mates,

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"and see if they want to get involved in it?"

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So I did that, and they did. And this is it. Hope you like it. Hello.

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# I could stick around and get along with you, hello

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It doesn't really mean that I'm into you.

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Hello. Er, oh, oh.

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You're all right, but I'm here, darling, to...enjoy the party

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Don't get too excited cos that's all you'll get from me. Hey!

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Yeah, I think you're cute.

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But I really think that you should know.

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I just came to say 'ello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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# 'Ello, oh, oh, oh

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I'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you.

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Hello. Oh, oh, oh. Oh.

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-I'm going to let you try...

-..to convince me to.

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-Hello.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho.

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-I could stick around and...

-..get along with you.

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-# Hello, oh, oh, oh, oh

-It's like the ringtone from hell, this.

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-It doesn't really mean...

-..that I'm into you.

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Hello. Oh, oh, oh.

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-You're all right but I'm here, darling...

-..to enjoy the party.

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-Whey.

-Hello. Hello.

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I just came to say...

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, girlfriend.

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-Hello, dear.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Good evening.

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-BOTH: Hello.

-Hello.

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-I just came to say...

-Hello.

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-IMITATED CHERYL COLE VOICE:

-Simon.

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Simon.

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Simon!

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Ooh, Simon!

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OK, I've got a horrible feeling I'm being haunted.

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-And not by Louis Walsh like usual.

-LAUGHTER

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Simon, I'm not a ghost.

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I'm your conscience.

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OK, reality check.

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-I don't have a conscience.

-LAUGHTER

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Well, you do now. Now then, isn't there someone you need to apologise to?

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To be honest, no.

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Someone you talked into doing something. Then you left them totally humiliated and embarrassed.

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I'll give you a massive hint.

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She had a relationship with Ashley Cole.

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To be honest, sweetheart, that could be anyone.

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-LAUGHTER

-I'll give you another clue, her name is Cheryl Cole.

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Is it Cheryl Cole?

0:19:270:19:29

That's right, pet!

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You should call her and apologise

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and offer her another job in America.

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Do you know what? You're absolutely right.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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-Cheryl?

-Oh. I didn't really think this through, did I?

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-Smell my arm, it's lush.

-Beautiful. Beautiful.

0:19:540:19:57

Welcome back to the One Show. Elton John, George Clooney, Johnny Depp,

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just some of the stars who refused to come on tonight's show.

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Plus Gyles Brandreth will be in Portugal

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-as he's on the run after a multi-million-pound drug deal went wrong.

-But first, this.

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No, I think it's lovely you called, Brucie.

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I just find it a little hard to believe that Bruno Tonioli has stolen your trousers.

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All right, tickety-boo. Ciao, Brucie. Oh, I'm so sorry.

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Arlene.

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Len. What a lovely surprise.

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It seems like ages since you returned any of my calls.

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Yes, I'm sorry about that. But, do you know,

0:20:360:20:40

I was going to call you just the other day.

0:20:400:20:44

But you didn't, did you?

0:20:440:20:47

No. But you know, I suffer from number-blindness.

0:20:470:20:51

All numbers look like the number seven to me.

0:20:510:20:54

So unless your number was seven! Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven! Seven! I wouldn't get through.

0:20:540:21:00

-Oh, well that makes perfect sense.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:21:000:21:05

Anyway, come on, if I know Arlene Phillips, I know that she's tickety-boo, tip-top OK.

0:21:050:21:12

So what have you been up to?

0:21:120:21:14

Oh, me? Oh, yes. Yes.

0:21:140:21:18

Oh, I've been so busy, so busy.

0:21:180:21:21

Busy, busy, busy. I've been a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, yes,

0:21:210:21:27

and I've been doing loads of other stuff, loads of young stuff.

0:21:270:21:31

So many, many things I've been doing.

0:21:310:21:35

-Anyway, the point is, I've not been missing Strictly at all.

-No.

0:21:350:21:42

But we have missed you!

0:21:430:21:47

Really? Oh, who's missed me?

0:21:470:21:50

Who? Well, it's hard to narrow it down, there's that many.

0:21:500:21:55

What about Brucie? Has Brucie missed me?

0:21:550:21:58

No. But thingy has, and, er,

0:21:580:22:02

-him, with the shoes.

-Who's missed me?

0:22:020:22:06

Come on, Arlene, you're crumpling my bon ami!

0:22:060:22:09

Anyway, I suppose I should be getting going.

0:22:100:22:14

But you will ring me, won't you?

0:22:140:22:17

-Yes, of course I will.

-And here's my number, there.

0:22:170:22:22

Just so you don't lose it.

0:22:220:22:25

Ciao!

0:22:250:22:27

Oh, that's funny. Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven!

0:22:300:22:34

Same as mine.

0:22:340:22:36

'Get to the heart of the action with Andy Murray Tennis.

0:22:360:22:41

'Experience all the thrills and spills of being a world number four in your own home.

0:22:430:22:49

-'Get in.'

-'Select playing mode.'

0:22:490:22:52

-'British.'

-'Yes. I won.'

-'Or Scottish.'

-'OK, so I lost.'

0:22:520:22:57

'But at least I still have my freedom!'

0:22:570:23:00

'Push yourself to the limit and play all the way to the ultimate level,

0:23:000:23:05

-'the semi-final.'

-GROANING CROWD

0:23:050:23:09

'Andy Murray Tennis, more fun than actually being me.'

0:23:090:23:14

'Buy now, while his apples last.'

0:23:140:23:17

'Group behaviour of this kind is, of course, not unique to primates.

0:23:170:23:25

'Examples of alpha males can also be found

0:23:250:23:29

'in other, far less sophisticated species.'

0:23:290:23:34

Good morning. I'm Chris Moyles. Welcome to the Chris Moyles Show. Have we got a show for you today!

0:23:340:23:39

Have we? I honestly don't know. Me and Dave were out on the lash last night.

0:23:390:23:43

-'The dominant male in this group is called Chris.'

-HE BURPS

0:23:430:23:48

-THEY LAUGH

-'The others in the group must pay homage to him.'

0:23:480:23:53

OK, the whole team is here. Comedy Dave is here, er, Dominic Slaphead on news.

0:23:530:23:59

-Beautiful Tina on sport, Aled and Matt Fincham. Oh, hang on.

-HE COUGHS

0:23:590:24:03

Think I spoke too soon, something's not right with Comedy Dave.

0:24:030:24:06

'Unfortunately, one of the group has died.

0:24:060:24:09

'He was laughing so hard at Chris belching that he choked on his KitKat.'

0:24:090:24:16

OK. We will now observe one minute's silence,

0:24:160:24:20

er, for Comedy Dave.

0:24:200:24:22

Well, five seconds silence, anyway. Longest I've ever managed. OK. Thank you very much.

0:24:250:24:30

-Where's my tea? I hope you didn't spill it when...

-'Another younger male is looking to join the group.

0:24:300:24:37

'To do so, he must ingratiate himself with the alpha male.'

0:24:370:24:42

To the incoming boss of Radio One, I have this to say.

0:24:420:24:47

-HE BREAKS WIND

-'We've given him the name Darren.

0:24:490:24:53

'He's a juvenile, but is he juvenile enough to join this group?

0:24:530:24:58

'Natural bodily functions are seen as a great source of humour

0:24:580:25:01

'and Darren must laugh at the alpha male's joke or risk ejection from the group.'

0:25:010:25:06

-HE LAUGHS

-'Thank heavens for that.

0:25:060:25:09

'Darren, or as he is now known, Comedy Darren, has been accepted.'

0:25:090:25:15

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the new member of the team, it's Comedy Darren.

0:25:150:25:19

HE BURPS / THEY LAUGH

0:25:190:25:22

I can remember being born.

0:25:250:25:28

And the midwife handed me to my mother, and I said,

0:25:280:25:32

"Mum, let me tell you where I am.

0:25:320:25:35

-"I am out."

-LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:38

Er, me dad taking me to the building site when I was five.

0:25:380:25:43

He needed someone to carry the bricks.

0:25:430:25:46

Well, I went to a lot of parties in the 60s,

0:25:460:25:49

-you know, so my earliest memory is about 1970.

-LAUGHTER

0:25:490:25:54

LAUGHTER

0:25:590:26:02

-Can you smoke in here?

-No.

0:26:100:26:14

Good. Filthy habit.

0:26:160:26:19

Miss Widdecombe, we need to talk to you about your book.

0:26:230:26:26

Oh, yes, more than one.

0:26:260:26:29

I write novels, you know?

0:26:290:26:32

-We know.

-It's not a crime, is it?

0:26:320:26:36

You're not going to charge me with writing?

0:26:360:26:39

Writing is not a crime, Miss Widdecombe.

0:26:390:26:42

Although your dancing comes pretty close.

0:26:430:26:46

I like dancing.

0:26:460:26:49

It gives me pleasure.

0:26:490:26:51

How much pleasure?

0:26:560:26:58

LAUGHTER

0:27:040:27:07

What's the problem? You look as though you've seen a ghost.

0:27:080:27:12

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:15

And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.

0:27:150:27:18

So it's been a busy week at Number Ten, Nick.

0:27:190:27:22

Well, that's right, Fiona. A week is a long time in politics,

0:27:220:27:25

and this has certainly been a long week for the prime minister.

0:27:250:27:29

A party out of control, a chancellor in open rebellion,

0:27:290:27:33

and the lowest popularity ratings since records began.

0:27:330:27:37

And the troubles aren't over yet for the resident of Number Ten.

0:27:370:27:41

Can he survive? Well, one thing's for sure, this prime minister isn't giving up just yet.

0:27:410:27:48

-LAUGHTER

-Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

0:27:510:27:56

# Don't you know they only want to see me?

0:27:590:28:02

# That is why they're here

0:28:020:28:04

Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.

0:28:040:28:08

-Can it wait until Cash In The Attic's finished?

-What are the chances of that happening?

0:28:080:28:12

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:140:28:18

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:180:28:22

.

0:28:220:28:22

Sketch show starring Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson. New characters including Claudia Winkleman, X Factor judges Louis and Tulisa, and Professor Brian Cox join old favourites like Davina McCall and Simon Cowell.


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