The Road to Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen


The Road to Royston Vasey

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This is it. Royston Vasey.

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-These pictures don't do it justice.

-They do not.

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-That's before and this is after.

-Aye.

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-Aye, aye.

-What is it?

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You tell me. That's not meant to be there.

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-Oh, aye. Well, it will have to go, Mr Wint.

-I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd.

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-I shouldn't think it's a problem.

-The locals are friendly enough.

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Stop!

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Stop! Stop!

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Hey!

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I've told you.

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Bastard!

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-Good morning, Benjamin!

-Mm. Oh!

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-Morning, Auntie Val.

-Did you sleep all right?

-Yes, thanks.

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Any used tissues to dispose of?

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-No!

-How did you get on last night? Did you meet your friend?

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-No, I must have missed him.

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

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I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened.

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Of course you may. Relax and treat this place just like your own home.

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Just one moment!

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Go.

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Morning, Mrs Levinson.

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I'm so glad I'm going away. It will be one big building site here soon.

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-Gangs of navvies with their bums hanging out.

-I know, Mrs Levinson!

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I've cancelled the milk, the dog's offal and my tarot woman.

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She didn't know I was going away!

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-No, Mrs Levinson.

-But the chicken man is coming round on Friday.

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Don't you hate going away, Iris?

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There's so much you have to remember.

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Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag...

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-Shall I put these knickers in to soak?

-Do you know Antigua?

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-Is he the chicken man?

-No, Antigua, the place. Sapphire blue oceans,

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cloudless skies...

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-Do you travel, Iris?

-We had a week booked in Kendal.

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The carpet warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black.

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We only manage six or seven times a year. I don't know how some people get by without a break.

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-I'm all passion spent by the time Ricki Lake comes on.

-Me and Ron take the dogs for a walk to unwind.

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Taste's a very personal thing.

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I wouldn't stone-clad my house - it'd look like a white filling in a mouth of rotten teeth.

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It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.

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Be careful with my nightie. It cost more than you owe Kay's catalogue.

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Yes, Mrs Levinson.

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-We've theen most of these!

-Have we?

-Yeah.

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Theen, theen, theen, theen, theen... Oh, I've not theen that.

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Oh, I have. It's really good.

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Ith it? How many killingth?

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Seven.

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-Oh, is that all?!

-He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy,

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ugly, sleepy...

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dopey and bashful.

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It weren't that good.

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I don't like Bradley Pitts, anyway.

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-No?

-Too much acting.

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'Ere, look at these.

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-Yes?!

-Oh! Sorry, love.

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Are you open?

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Yes! Can I help you at all?

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You can. I'm Mr Wint. This is Mr Kidd.

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-Are you local?

-No. We're conducting a survey for PQ Construction.

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-We need to serve you with these papers.

-Ooh!

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It's nothing to be concerned about. Just notification of a new road.

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No road! Bad!

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SHE GAGS

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This is a local shop for local people! There's nothing for you here!

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Listen, love, we're a bit pushed.

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-All you have to do is sign this and read the document.

-Is that a crown you wear?

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This? It's just my helmet!

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'elmet!

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Yes.

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-Can I touch it?

-Look, perhaps we could use your telephone?

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Tephelone? Em...

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Tephelone...

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Is this one?

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I have my mobile. It needs charging. Can you show me your points?

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No, no! Please!

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-Aaaah!

-Hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

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-They're strangers!

-Not local?!

-He wears a crown and builds new road.

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-Look, your wife is...

-Local?

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Overreacting. We just need you to look at these proposals.

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We don't need a new road! We don't bother the outside world.

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We don't want it bothering us.

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It'll be no bother. Just sign this and you'll never hear from us again.

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You're sure?

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-Absolutely.

-Besides, when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing.

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Your shop will be full of people.

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Hokey, cokey, pig-in-a-pokey.

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Good morning, job-seekers!

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Now, one of the best pens has gone missing.

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Can I have it back, please?

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Thank you.

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Now, as you're aware, today we're looking at your career options.

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Some of you, like Ross, will want to follow your father's footsteps,

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but you can't sign on for ever.

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So we're looking at SALES jobs. Namely, how to sell this -

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The Big Issue!

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Now, for those of you not in the know, The Big Issue is a magazine.

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A bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.

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Inside, it's got stories and poems and look, Mickey, love, pictures!

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-Yeah!

-And you...

-Pauline?

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-It's for homeless people.

-Mm.

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-But we're unemployed.

-That's right. And you can earn a bit of money by selling this to real people.

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Oh, come off it! Being on the Dole doesn't mean we're stupid!

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Mickey, love, what is the capital of France?

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Wine!

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Come on, Ross, on your feet.

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I need you for this exercise.

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Now then, job-seekers, imagine if you can that we're standing on a very busy high street.

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-I'm an attractive young housewife...

-LAUGHTER

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I want Ross here to sell me this.

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In your own time.

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-Big Issue!

-Oh, pathetic!

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"Big Issue"(!) Come on, Ross, I want to see you try!

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Big Issue! Help the homeless!

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-Ah, better, you see. Now he's got my interest.

-It's only £1.

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Good! Watch how I'm starting to pity him.

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Want a copy, then?

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-Ask me nicely.

-Do you want a copy, madam?

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-Ask me more nicely.

-There's no such thing!

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All right! It's for a good cause!

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Beg me.

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What?

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You heard, Ross. Beg me.

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-You need the money. Make me feel superior.

-That's no reason.

-Beg me.

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-This isn't...

-Be a good doggie.

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-You're...

-Sing for your supper!

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-This...

-Beg, doggie, beg!

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-Beg me, Ross!

-NO!!

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No, I won't!

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What?

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I won't beg you, Pauline.

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I see.

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Sit down, please, Ross.

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Well, take that, then!

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-Do you want a go, love?

-No!

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-Come on! We're in the high street, I'm a housewife.

-Big Issue!

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-How much is it?

-£1!

-Have a fiver!

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You see, Ross?! Do you see how easy it is?

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It's as simple as Mickey.

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Oh, you're nothing. Do you know that?

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You're worthless. Less than the (shit) on my shoes!

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I'm extending your Restart, then sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses!

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Then you'll come back here and I'll re-Restart you!

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And the rest of you, buck your ideas up!

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Knuckle down!

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And give me those pens back!

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I'll pay for them. Let me pay for them.

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It's not the money. Melody Maker, NME, that's £2.05, please, Les.

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Cheers. Ta-ra.

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-What's Pop always saying?

-Principles over pounds.

-Yes.

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There's a principle here. That's why I've got to say something.

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Oh, I'm wiped out! I can't wait to get on that plane.

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It must be hard for you living on that estate.

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Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs and the men - their tattooed arms look like Stilton!

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-I'd be scared.

-Well, we don't go out much. Ron prefers an early night.

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-Oh, them's nice panties, Mrs L!

-Thank you. Eddie got them in Paris.

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-I won't get expensive briefs.

-Treat yourself.

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I get through so many, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers!

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-Really(?) Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag?

-I wear nothing in bed.

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With Ron's libido, he's like a lad of 19 sometimes!

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I hope you buttoned his shirts.

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-Five, six times a night!

-When we first married...

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It's always been like that for us. It just gets better and better.

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-I do things that'd make a whore blush!

-Eddie just wears trunks...

-This way, that way.

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Some of it barely legal. I think, "Will this pleasure never end?"

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CAR HORN That'll be Barbara.

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I have to check in at the airport. We're flying club class.

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That doesn't mean a free biscuit! Have a nice afternoon.

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-I'll see you in a fortnight.

-Bye!

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Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

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That won't leave her many options.

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We prefer if you wait until after six o'clock.

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You see, road men,

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this is a local shop.

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The strangers you'd bring would not understand us -

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our customs, our local ways.

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Not necessarily.

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He said I could touch his helmet!

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If I showed him my points.

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Is this true, road man?!

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-No!

-Very well!

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You heard the man, Tubbs.

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Get undressed!

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Afternoon!

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-Hello! I see Fleur de Lis is closing down.

-Oh, I know, I know.

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-That's your council mates putting the rents up!

-Our hands are tied!

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-What this town needs is investment, like that new road.

-There might be some news next week. I can't say.

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More than your job's worth, eh?

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-Have you got them?

-Yep.

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-I forgot my brolly!

-Right!

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Just come in. Very fresh.

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Usual arrangement?

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I don't see why not.

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The thing is, Hilary,

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I know it's wrong.

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It just tastes so good.

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SHARPENS BLADES

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A chain of newsagents built up from one shop. Five outlets and a booth at the war memorial!

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-That didn't fall in Pop's lap!

-All right, I made a mistake!

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Where am I?

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Seen it, seen it, seen it, seen it... Oh, not seen that.

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-Black and white?!

-Oh.

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Seen it, seen it, seen it...

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To be honest, I favour internal protection over towels, you know?

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I mean, who wants a great big mattress between their legs all day?

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Just drop me off here, thanks.

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Have a nice day, then.

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Mind how you go. Ta-ra!

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All right, Jacques? Come in.

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Have you met my dad?

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-No.

-Dad?

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Dad!

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Dad, this is Jacques. Jacques, this is my dad.

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-All right? Is this your pal the pop star?

-Dad...

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Won't be long.

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I'm in a band, yeah.

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It's a great life is rock 'n' roll. I expect our kid told you,

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I used to have a band of my own. Creme Brulee.

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-Had a good run. Did Eurovision.

-Eurovision Song Contest(?)

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Oh, yeah. Back in '81. Heats.

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Same year as Bucks Fizz won.

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I said to Jay Aston, "This is where you shit your pants, Jay."

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Real good laugh. Right good sense of humour. What about that Gina G?

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-Eh...

-Rubbish. Ordinary. I says to our Tom, "It'll not win!"

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In Eurovision, you've got to communicate. Look at the Israelis.

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Years in the wilderness, then all of a sudden - genius!

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-What's your instrument?

-Mainly programming. Drum loops, rhythms.

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I tell you who were good - Smokie!

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-Eh...

-Fantastic songs. Well crafted. You should give them a listen.

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The bassist runs a 16-track out by Castleford. I go over quite a bit.

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-I've got a tape here of some of my songs, ballads mainly. Have a listen, if you like.

-Well...

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I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.

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-If there's owt on there you want, you can have it.

-We don't do ballads.

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Just take it. What harm can it do?

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Let me know I haven't lost it yet.

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You can ask your record company boss if HE remembers Creme Brulee.

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Everyone knew me round here. I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.

0:20:260:20:32

-See you later, Dad.

-Yeah.

-Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.

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Good luck, son.

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God bless.

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It's a shit business.

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You'll find out.

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-Aaaaah!

-Aaaaaah!

0:21:050:21:08

Look around you. What's Pop's formula, Rich?

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DPI equals SIN.

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DPI equals SIN - Determination plus Perspiration plus Inspiration equals Success In Newsagency.

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-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Who was the first to charge for cards in the window on a daily rate?

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-Pop.

-Who was the first to sell Ginster's Pasties in a newsagency?

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-Pop!

-We owe him, Rich.

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Now, are you going to tell him or am I?

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Please, Al!

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It's your decision.

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Guess who's here!

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Where are my boys, eh? Where are my boys?

0:22:050:22:09

Come on, I take you both on, eh?

0:22:090:22:12

Hey, come here!

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I got presents for the both of youse. Eh?

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Eh?

0:22:240:22:26

-Thanks, Pop.

-Ah, it's OK, it's OK.

0:22:260:22:29

So, Al, how are you? The booth is doing good.

0:22:290:22:33

-I drive past, there's a queue all the way to the Gents.

-Doing good.

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And the cold cabinet - cans, cartons? They're selling well?

0:22:380:22:43

-I wasn't sure about these drinks.

-No, they're doing fine, Pop.

-Good.

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But I have good news for you, Richie.

0:22:480:22:52

As you know, your brother Al has made a great success of his booth.

0:22:520:22:59

For many months I have searched for another site.

0:22:590:23:03

It has always been Pop's ambition - a booth for each of my beautiful sons!

0:23:030:23:10

You know the key-cutting cubicle by the indoor market?

0:23:170:23:21

Well, the lease come up in two month!

0:23:210:23:25

It's perfect for you, Richie!

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There is room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet and... we keep the key-cutting machine!

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It could open up a whole new area for us!

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Not just keys - shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day we do repairs as well, eh?

0:23:390:23:46

Perhaps soon you be more successful than your brother!

0:23:460:23:51

-I even start you on the same wage.

-Pop...

-£3 an hour! What do you say?

0:23:510:23:57

Something happened yesterday morning, Pop, when I was looking after the booth for Al.

0:24:010:24:08

What are you talking about?

0:24:100:24:13

-What do you mean?

-Rich was serving...

0:24:140:24:18

Richie will tell me himself!

0:24:180:24:22

Won't you, Richie?

0:24:220:24:26

I wanna hear from your lip what happened.

0:24:260:24:30

It was nothing really, Pop.

0:24:340:24:37

Oh, "nothing really, Pop"?

0:24:370:24:40

Nothing really, Pop!

0:24:400:24:42

Then why are you shitting in your panties?!

0:24:420:24:47

Why don't you tell me what this nothing was?

0:24:470:24:52

Some boys came.

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To the booth.

0:24:550:24:57

One of them asked for a Snapple.

0:25:000:25:02

And I had to turn my back to... open the chiller.

0:25:020:25:07

And when I turned round again, they'd taken all the Maverick bars.

0:25:080:25:13

How many?

0:25:180:25:21

Nine.

0:25:220:25:24

Nine...

0:25:240:25:26

Nine, huh?

0:25:260:25:29

Nine Maverick bars.

0:25:300:25:33

And you say this is nothing? Perhaps THIS is nothing, huh?!

0:25:330:25:38

Why do you do this to me, Richie? Why do you do this to me?

0:25:380:25:43

All I want is to make you a man, a booth of your own!

0:25:430:25:47

But how can I give it to you when you behave like a child?!

0:25:470:25:52

No, like a baby! It was a child that robbed you!

0:25:520:25:57

Look at my face!

0:25:580:26:00

Look what you made Pop do!

0:26:010:26:04

You break my heart, Richie!

0:26:050:26:08

-You break my HEART!

-Pop!

0:26:090:26:12

Rich really is sorry for what he did.

0:26:130:26:17

Why don't we...go for a walk, eh?

0:26:170:26:21

Yeah.

0:26:230:26:25

We go for a walk.

0:26:250:26:27

Me and you.

0:26:270:26:30

Maybe WE talk about the key-cutting cubicle, eh?

0:26:300:26:34

You are my son.

0:26:360:26:39

My only son.

0:26:390:26:41

Benjamin!

0:27:020:27:04

Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory?

0:27:060:27:10

Benjamin?

0:27:100:27:12

HORNS SOUND

0:27:250:27:27

No!

0:27:380:27:40

What are you going to do?!

0:27:400:27:43

Go!

0:27:500:27:53

-Edward?

-Don't worry, Tubbs!

0:27:560:27:59

They won't get far!

0:28:000:28:03

Hi, Martin, it's me. I've been trying to ring you all day. I'm stuck in this shithole.

0:28:090:28:16

I don't suppose things will get any worse.

0:28:160:28:21

Anyway, I'd better go. My uncle locks up the house at 8.15.

0:28:210:28:26

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

0:28:260:28:28

'On the third stroke, it will be 8.15 precisely.'

0:28:300:28:35

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

0:28:350:28:39

Hello?

0:28:560:28:58

Subtitles by Greig Forbes, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling - 1999

0:29:200:29:25

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