Follow that Ring The Liver Birds

# What's got four legs Walks peculiar

# Talks with all the choicest words?

# What's got four arms Loves to grab you

# Answer is two Liver Birds

# If you're standing on the corner All alone and feeling low

# Liver Birds will come and get you Singing ee-ay-addi-oh... #

-All we ever do is say hello and goodbye, don't we, Beryl?

-Yeah.

But this time you did manage to cram a proposal in, Robert.

Yes.

I liked your mother. She's...

..nice. Sort of simple, down-to-earth, honest person.

She doesn't mean it, Robert.

I mean, the way she took one look at your engagement ring

and crossed herself.

It was... Well, it was nice.

It's just because she thinks red stones is unlucky.

Well, we can prove her wrong, Robert.

No, I liked her total truthfulness.

What was it she said when you said we were engaged?

God bless us and save us.

Yeah, that.

Nice.

Really nice!

I think I'm going to like your dad, too.

You will, you'll love me dad!

He's so...

He's so relaxed.

Happen he'll manage to stay awake next time you come!

It's nice, this thing that Robert and Beryl have got, isn't it?

Depends. Depends what you want.

You know, this love thing, you know? This togetherness.

It's nice, isn't it?

Paul, you're not going to propose to me again, are you?

You don't think I'm so hard up

that I'm going to spend the whole of my life

traipsing round after you, do you?

You must be very conceited.

Very self opinionated, not to say presumptuous, to imagine that.

-Yeah, I am.

-Well, don't bother.

I like us the way we are.

But how are we, Sandra?

I mean, go on, explain to me, how are we?

Like, Beryl and Robert, on that settee last night, for instance.

No, we're not like that!

We used to be like that, but we're a step above all that now.

Sandra, there is only one step to go after that.

And if we've taken it, could we please do it again?

Because I just don't remember doing it!

Well, we are different.

There's more to life than just sex, you know.

Yeah, and there's more to a trifle than a cherry,

but somehow it always seems to taste the best.

What a lovely thing to say.

You really have got the most fantastic mind, Paul.

Me body's not bad, either!

There you go, sex again!

I'm sorry. I promise not to mention my body again.

-Nor mine.

-Nor yours.

Good! Now you've got all that physical nonsense

out of your system...

you can kiss me.

-Goodbye!

-Bye-bye!

You'd better let me go, we might run out of platform!

Beryl, your ring!

-Robert, me ring!

-I'll post it to you!

-What?

-I've got it, I'll post it to you!

Oh! Thank you very much!

Bye!

Bye!

Blimey, that was a short engagement.

Beryl, how long's my lunch going to be?

Sandra, I'm trying as hard as I can.

Now, this cooking lark is very difficult.

Even the tin opener's exhausted.

What a morning we've had at the kennels.

54 new dogs, and every one of them neurotic.

Yes, well, you've got the rest of the weekend off,

so you can just relax.

Now, there you are, sausage and chips and milky coffee,

and a final demand note for the rent.

Every day I get a bill for my dessert.

No, I've got you something special today. Sherry trifle with nuts.

Oh, super.

I'm sorry, Sandra, I haven't mentioned it,

but I am sorry that I haven't been getting anywhere to work.

But the thing is that I've been so busy getting engaged.

What about that waitressing job we picked out last night?

No, I went off that.

Me with me brutal Irish temper.

I mean, somebody's only got to complain

and they'll end up with a spaghetti hairdo.

I tried to get you a job at the kennels, but it's no good.

No, thank you - dogs annoy me.

It's all wagging, walking and weeing.

What DO you want?

Oh, I'll find something.

What I really want to be is a professional layabout.

You can do that when you're married,

then Robert'll have to provide for you.

Yes, he's going to provide for me all right.

A little house and six kids and a great big Alsatian.

I hope Mother Nature provides me with the energy.

It's what you want, Beryl.

Sandra, HE'S what I want.

The rest is what I'm going to get.

Well, that's life for you, Beryl.

If you want a garden full of roses, you've got to have the greenfly.

You can get rid of greenfly.

I mean, one quick squirt isn't going to get rid of 200lbs of washing.

You are happy about your engagement, aren't you?

-Of course I am.

-It's just whenever you talk about it,

you sound as if you're reading someone's will.

No, it's just I'm septical.

Septical or sceptical?

I suppose I'm both, really.

Sandra, are you seeing Paul this weekend?

No. I'm going have the whole weekend to myself,

just relaxing and listening to music

and exploring my other self.

Mm-mm!

-Sandra.

-Hm?

Have you noticed, there's something funny about this weekend?

No, what do you mean?

I don't see to have anything to worry about.

Oh, no!

I don't like it, it's not natural.

Well, could spare a thought for my poor little parents,

still engaged in desperate mutiny.

No, I refuse to spend my valuable worrying time

worrying about two middle-aged delinquents.

They're just two people, Beryl, and life has slapped them in the face.

Yes, well, it's slapping your mum in the wrong place -

it should be slapping her on the bottom.

Beryl, did you shell the nuts before you put them in this trifle?

Yes, I did!

And I took the peaches out of the tin, get on with it!

Anyway, what were you talking about, slapping my mummy's bottom?

She's frigid.

She's not frigid!

She's a very physical and loving person.

Ger'off - your dad would do better hugging a deep freeze.

She's reserved, that's all.

That's what YOU call it!

I haven't exactly noticed your parents

falling about in passionate heaps.

Yeah, well, there's one good reason for that.

My dad's too busy falling in a drunken heap!

So they're both equal, aren't they?

Mmm!

That was very nice, Beryl.

You seem to be improving with your mistakes.

Thanks very much.

By the way, was that registered parcel this morning your ring?

-My ring from Robert.

-Oh, good.

-Sandra.

-Mm?

-I've just found something to worry about.

What?

Me engagement ring.

We're not going to have that hackneyed story

-about red being an unlucky stone again, are we?

-No!

You haven't lost it again?

-Yes.

-Oh, no, Beryl.

-Have you been out of the flat?

-No.

Oh, well, it must be in here somewhere.

Probably in the kitchen.

Come on, come and help me look!

Now, when did you last notice it?

-I can't remember.

-Well, think, Beryl!

I AM thinking!

Well, I do want to find it, you know. I've never worn it.

It's living a life of its own.

Could it be in the washing-up water?

Yes. Yes!

Yes, that's it!

-Except, Sandra?

-Yeah?

I haven't washed up yet.

Beryl...would you just come here, sit down?

We're going to be constructive about this.

We'll go through the whole thing together.

Now, close your eyes and just try to picture everything.

Right.

I'm peeling the potatoes.

And it's on me finger.

Good, good. What next?

I'm cooking your chips.

-And it's still there.

-Good. Well, close your eyes, go on.

I'm picking your chips up off the floor...

Slid off the plate.

-Never mind the sordid details. Go on.

-Right.

I am walking across to the cooker.

I'm walking back again to the table.

I'm walking back again to the cooker.

I'm walking back again to the table.

-What on earth are you doing?

-I've lost a sausage.

Is the ring still on your finger?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, it's still there.

Right. I'm cutting you a slice of bread.

Oh.

What's that?

I think I've found the sausage.

Don't worry, I rinsed it well.

Is the ring still on your finger?

Oh!

I've just remembered!

-Where is it?

-Oh, I put it in a little glass dish to keep it safe!

Now, I told you what good, constructive thinking would do, didn't I?

Where's the dish?

It's on your tray. I served your trifle in it.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

No, I thought there was something wrong with that trifle.

I asked you if you shelled the nuts! Oh!

-Sandra, now, don't panic!

-It'll block me windpipe.

I won't be able to breathe. I feel a bit faint already.

Oh, Sandra! Just relax. Relax with War And Peace.

Don't worry. The whole world is swallowing engagement rings.

-I'll ring for an ambulance.

-I'm not going in an ambulance.

Listen, Sandra. You are my best friend and there's nothing

that I wouldn't do to save you a moment's distress,

but we do have an unusual situation here.

Namely, I am the one who is engaged and you are the one with the ring.

Now, sit down.

-Of course, we are only guessing, Beryl.

-Of course we are.

That's why I want you at the hospital.

I want a picture of your inside, preferably in colour,

and then I shall be satisfied.

'Emergency. Which service, please?

'Police, fire or ambulance?'

-Ambulance.

-I'm not going in an ambulance!

All right. You've got two other choices.

A police car or a fire engine?

I'll go in a dignified manner, if you don't mind.

Hello. Have you got a dignified ambulance?

Preferably one of this year's models.

'I'm sorry, but we only send ambulances out in emergency cases.'

Well, what do you call an emergency case?

'Well, an accident or a heart attack.'

Yes, well, my friend has just had an accident

and I'm about to have a heart attack.

'Or should the patient be having a baby.'

No, no, she's not having a baby.

She's having an engagement ring.

'I'm sorry, is this an emergency?'

It's a bloody catastrophe!

'I'm sorry, I shall have to clear this line,

'you could be preventing an authentic call.'

-I... Oh!

-DIAL TONE

Sandra, will you stop pacing up and down?

All the acid's getting going in your stomach and you'll rust my ring.

What about me?

Do you think I like having an unlucky stone in my stomach?

God knows what it's doing down there.

It's probably fighting off my sausage and chips.

Now, just calm down, Sandra.

Right? Now, just stay like that and I'll get a taxi.

I'm frightened, Beryl.

I want Mummy and Daddy.

Right, I'll get Mummy and Daddy.

-And Paul.

-I'll get Paul.

Are you in here, Beryl?

Oh, my God, it'll be like a coach trip!

PHONE RINGS

Sandra, go and answer the door to me mam and go easy.

Hello!

Oh, Robert.

Sorry. Robert, hello!

Yes, yes, I got the ring this morning.

No. No, I'm not wearing it at the moment.

Um...

What?

You almost got run over going to the post office to post it?

Oh, it's not the ring's fault, Robert, no.

Only, Robert, I've got something to tell you.

What did I tell you? What did I say?

-Blood and tears, I said.

-Beryl...?

-Yes, Sand?

-As soon as I saw that red stone, I felt me granny's ghost.

-I feel sick.

-Stop the car!

She feels sick!

She feels sick.

If you ask me, that ring could stay where it is.

If she got a cheap one like the one I had,

there wouldn't be all this fuss.

It would have dissolved by now.

Just concentrate on feeling sick.

I can't.

You've put me off.

Well, just think about my home-made lentil soup.

No.

No, I can't do it in public.

How's she doing?

Hang about.

Excuse me, missus, but my friend is very shy

and sensitive and she feels sick.

And we were wondering if she could come in your house and do it.

All right, snob face.

Keep your front door on.

Oh, that girl.

She's got about as much culture as a compost heap.

-Would you take me back to the taxi, please, Beryl?

-All right, Sand.

False alarm!

Your Uncle Dermot swallowed an army button once, you know.

He put it in his mouth to thread this needle.

I remember he was listening to the wireless at the time and Liverpool scored this goal. So, of course,

up he jumps and it goes right down his gullet. Any road, after they'd opened him up...

-Shurrup.

-..I went to see him in hospital.

Honest to God, you should've seen the state of him. You'd think he'd swallowed his tin hat.

The needle. That thick, it was, stuck in his hand.

And this tube and this bottle full of blood hanging above the bed.

But the thing I couldn't get over was the size of the scar.

Like a yard of string, it was, right down his middle.

That surgeon was very good at taking out army buttons,

but I didn't think much of his embroidery.

Mind you, it's marvellous what they can do today.

Do you know, a surgeon can cut you open, take out your stomach,

hand it to his mate

and have a good rummage round inside the rest of you?

Course, what was unfortunate for your Uncle Dermot was that he woke up in the middle of the operation.

Oh, well, Sand. Now, why couldn't you have done that?

I don't agree with all this, you know.

Them ultraviolence rays are bad for you.

She's having an X-ray, not a sun ray.

Who's that young man?

I'm Paul. Remember, I was round at the flat once

when you and Mr Hutchinson had a sort of...

-Altercation.

-Eh?

A bloody great row.

-Yeah.

-And what are you doing here, exactly?

He's waiting for a bus.

I'm a friend. I proposed to her once.

-Or twice.

-Oh, really?

-I don't remember.

-Well, you weren't there at the time.

I take it she refused?

-Yeah.

-I thought so.

She's very discerning, my daughter.

She doesn't jump at the first one that comes along.

Are you inferring that our Beryl would marry anybody?

I wasn't even thinking about your Beryl.

But if the cap fits.

My God, there's jealousy for you.

Do you know, Beryl, I bet this one's got horns underneath that hairdo.

Just you listen here, missus,

I hope you realise that we wouldn't be here

if your daughter hadn't swallowed my Beryl's ring.

And if your daughter didn't jump at the first man that asked her,

she wouldn't have a ring for my daughter to swallow, would she?

Henry, keep your stomach out of the way. You're blocking the view.

Oh, look at them, bloody twins! Look, would you like my seat?

And with a bit of luck you might budge each other to death.

Oh, pipe down, don't be so stupid.

Sandra. Ooh!

-Are you all right, Sand?

-I'm fine, Paul.

Do you mind, young man? She is my daughter.

Sandra, darling, are you all right?

-I'm fine, Mummy.

-Do you mind, Mrs Hutchinson?

It is my ring! Sandra, are you both all right?

We're fine, Beryl.

-Get off!

-Oh!

Mr Dunn, do you mind stopping? We're breaking the sound barrier.

I'm sorry.

We are very busy here today.

The doctor will give you all the information

when the X-ray results are through!

Would you like to take a seat, please?

You are not allowed in the ward!

The doctor is seeing her now.

Of course, you know, it's quite ridiculous,

my Sandra swallowing a ruby ring.

Why, aren't rubies good enough for your family?

It's not the quality of the stone I was thinking about.

It's the fact that your Beryl seems to be

out of work and doing the cooking.

I'm wondering how many more times

Sandra will have to swallow the wretched thing.

Blood and tears, I say.

Eh, Beryl, it's a good job you didn't swallow it.

It would have sterilised you.

Thank you.

My compliments to the chef.

Tell her there's none left.

-There's none left.

-Eh? Oh.

There's none left.

There's none left.

Oh, is it empty? Ah, never mind.

It's just as well. She's got the leaky beaker.

Here.

Pass up the cheese butties.

There's not likely to be the odd bracelet in there, is there?

Oh, don't worry, missus, we only save jewellery for afters.

I think it's very nice, very enjoyable.

I think it was very thoughtful of you, Mrs Hennessey.

Ta.

May I speak to Miss Hutchinson's next of kin, please?

-I'm her ex-fiance.

-I'm her best friend.

-I'm her best friend's mam.

-And

-I

-am her mother.

He's only here for the snack.

Well, the X-ray reveals that your daughter...

She won't be scarred for life?

Please contain yourself. Let me finish.

The X-ray reveals that the ring is lodged in the oesophagus.

-Oh!

-Now, that's just a rather long word

-which you don't actually have to worry about.

-I know what that is.

It's one of them little bones in your foot.

She's not walking about on my ring!

The oesophagus is the small tube which leads down into the stomach.

Oh, no, now I remember. It's the medicinal word for shoulder blade.

As I was saying, the oesophagus is the small tube that leads down into the stomach.

Yes, of course. That's what I was going to say!

-I was always very good at botany, you know.

-Ssh!

-I'll keep her in...

-I must see her.

-So must I!

She's in no danger.

Surgery won't be necessary.

-I shall remove the ring by means of an esophagoscope.

-A what?

An esophagoscope.

I thought they used them in submarines.

I'm sorry, Sand.

I'll never make you another sherry trifle.

They're coming for me in a minute, Beryl.

Sand, don't put it like that - "They're coming for me in a minute."

You sound like there's a pack of hounds after you.

This is a very nice, kind place, with very kind people.

TROLLEY CRASHES

Doing very kind things.

What are they going to do to me, Beryl?

Well, you see, there's where you're lucky.

Cos as the doctor said, there's no need to operate,

so he'll just put you to sleep and shove a tube down your throat.

Now, that's not so bad, is it?

No, I love having tubes pushed down my throat(!)

Well, it's only a little tube.

Beryl, if the ring's stuck down there

and the tube goes in there...

..heck of a long tube, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

He might have a very long arm.

Supposing I die, Beryl!

Oh, Sandra! You can't die in here, not even if you wanted to.

-They won't let you.

-I haven't been to church since I went to school.

And I've done bad things.

Oh, Sandra, not you.

What bad things have you done?

I handed in foreign money on the bus.

Ah, I do that all the time.

You go to confession on Friday.

Only so as I can do it again on Saturday.

And I came 20th in the class once.

And I crossed out the nought

and Mummy and Daddy still think I came second.

Eh, I wish I'd have thought of that!

I used to take out my spite on Mary Higginbottom.

She was always top of our class.

She used to sit in front of me,

so I used to put her plaits in my inkwell.

I've been awful to Paul.

For months I tried to get him to propose to me.

Then, when he did, I refused.

I've been worse to Robert - I've accepted.

You see, you're not so bad, Sand.

I suppose dying isn't so bad.

I mean, after all, up there, we're all equal.

Oh, yes. You and Michelangelo will be able to share a butty.

Jolly little conversation.

If I'd known, we could have brought our harps and done a quick song and dance before you go.

Ah, Sand, you'll be all right.

Yes.

What's underneath there?

Oh!

Nothing.

Nothing. Just...

A couple of kidneys' bowls and the odd syringe.

-Syringe?

-Well, what did you expect?

An assortment of choc ices? It's a hospital, not Vic's caff.

-I want to go home!

-You can't go home with a ruby-studded gullet.

Now, pull yourself together.

Just think - all I wanted was a nice quiet weekend.

Yes, but you wanted to explore your other self.

Well, now somebody's going to do it for you.

Time to go now, Miss Hennessey, if you please.

Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

When are you going to...

When you... When will...

(When will you be fishing it out?)

As soon as possible.

Thank you.

Now, Sandra, remember what you're always saying.

Life is naught but froth and bubble.

But two things stand like stone -

kindness in another's trouble

and courage in your own.

Oh, yes, Beryl.

I am always saying that.

Yes. Well, I'm going to shut up now.

There's its box.

She's a heck of a long time.

I hope she comes round in time for my wedding.

Of course, if I'd had my way, Sandra would've gone privately.

She's had just as good treatment on the National Health.

A private patient wouldn't have to wear that ghastly gown with the name of the hospital all over it.

I don't see the point in getting yourself all tarted up just to have a tube shoved down your throat.

You might as well go and get your hair done

and then dive into the Mersey.

A woman should always look her best.

It's her pre-ogative.

Oh, aye. I had one of them and the knob fell off.

-I'm glad it's over.

-Eh?

-I'm glad she's all right.

-Oh.

-Yes. Thank God.

-I can propose to her again now.

Well, if I were you, son, I wouldn't mention engagement rings too soon.

I don't understand women, Mr Hutchinson.

You're not supposed to understand them, son.

You're just supposed to be harassed by 'em.

And you and Mrs Hutchinson, are you better?

We're back in the same house.

-Oh.

-We're in separate rooms.

Oh.

Much better.

I can't get a word in all day.

But I can talk to myself all night.

-Is she all right?

-You can go and see her now.

Excuse me.

-Your ring.

-Oh!

Oh, thank you very much, Sister.

I'd rather you wait till the others come out, if you don't mind.

Your friend is perfectly all right.

She can leave the hospital in a couple of hours.

Provided they haven't used up all the oxygen on the ward.

I'd better ring Robert.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-'Hello?'

-Beryl!

I've been worried stiff, what's happening?

'Oh, Robert, it's all right.

'She's fine, Sandra's fine.'

Oh, great. Good.

And the ring's all right, too.

It's just the same. It hasn't faded.

'Are you wearing it?'

No. No, because they've only just given it me back.

It's still in its box.

You didn't tell me she'd swallowed the box.

She didn't swallow it!

I gave it to them.

Beryl, I've been thinking.

I know it sounds silly, but...

I'd like to put that ring back on your finger.

Oh, that would be a bit difficult over the telephone, Robert.

'What I thought was, maybe you'd come down to London?'

-Oh, I couldn't do that.

-'You're not working or anything. I'll pay your fare.'

-It's not possible.

-'It'd be a nice little holiday for you.'

-No, I couldn't.

I miss you, Beryl.

I miss you, Robert.

'Then we've got a very good excuse, haven't we?'

I don't know what to say.

Look, some people have two marriages.

We'll have two engagements.

-Beryl?

-'Yes, Robert.'

-Oh, come on.

Life is only five minutes long.

Oh, I hope not.

It takes three hours to get to London.

Look at me going off to the Big Smoke all by myself.

Yeah. Have a smashing time, Beryl.

-Have you got the ring?

-Yeah, it's here in the box.

Only I'm a bit worried. It's been a bit unlucky so far.

You know, Beryl, if you believe that, you'll make it unlucky.

It didn't do me much harm, now, did it?

-I suppose not.

-You forget about everything and have a happy time.

-We're off. Ta-rah.

-Ta-rah, Beryl!

-Ta-rah.

-Ta-rah.

Ta-rah!

It's nice, isn't it? Nice and romantic,

going all the way to London

just so Robert can put the ring on her finger.

-Wish I could.

-Paul, not again.

-Sorry.

Going to London, love?

No, we've just been seeing my friend off to London, actually.

Oh, aye? Is she walking, then?

-No, why?

-That's the London train.

Where's the one that's just left going to?

Glasgow.