Episode 1 The Mash Report

Contains adult humour and some strong language

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Mash Report,

the show furious not to be nominated for a Fake News Award.

We're back and to be frank, there's too much news.

For example, the NHS is in dire straits,

with a staffing crisis and medical students making up the shortfall.

I think it's safe to say I speak for no-one

when I say how glad I am that Jeremy Hunt has had his portfolio

expanded to include health and social care,

following the Conservative Party motto - if you can't do one

thing competently, do two things abysmally.

The Bayeux Tapestry is to go on display for the first

time in the UK. Spoiler alert, for those who haven't seen it,

it's a big old napkin and King Harold dies at the end.

But the top story this week is the company Carillion,

a private company that had a huge number of government contracts.

The company has failed and now the government is having to step in,

just like with G4S, Tata Steel, the East Coast rail franchise.

Basically, a summary of this whole story is this - hey, you know

that thing that always happens?

Well, it happened!

Carillion have been underbidding for public sector contracts,

getting paid upfront,

and then using that money to pay off the suppliers of previous contracts.

They were always paying catch-up,

a business practice economists refer to as shitting the bed.

We should have seen it coming. We went on their website yesterday

and found this diagram under a section called "our values".

What is this?!

No wonder they've gone under.

You can't solve a company's problems by shouting, "For God's sake!

"Just look at the value petals!"

They've all spent the last week screaming,

"Oh, magic business flower! Why hast thou forsaken us?"

The company was failing for years,

but still kept on paying out millions in bonuses.

And if you're thinking,

"Hey, somebody really should go to jail for this," you're right.

Only, here's a fun side note,

it turns out Carillion maintained 50 prisons, so presumably, the doors

don't have locks and one of the walls is just a post it note,

saying "IOU One Wall".

One thing's for sure.

I think it's fair to say we can now update Carillion's value

flower with this - "We bid, we can't count, we failed, you're fucked!"

APPLAUSE

And now for the most reliable new source this

side of your uncle's Facebook feed, it's the Mash news desk!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Headlines on the hour.

Transcognitive ability normal, he's just a prick,

says White House doctor.

BBC pay row looms, as it's revealed that Nick Grimshaw gets paid...

Gets paid.

And Queen still very sexual.

But first, the crisis in the NHS is now so bad that performing

arts students are being drafted in to pretend they're A&E doctors.

Due to severe staff shortages, patients are now being treated

by drama undergraduates who are not even fully qualified in saying

words and dancing about.

Earlier, we spoke to pretend A&E consultant Nikki Hollis.

It's fine, until you have to start doing medicine to them.

Sometimes, you know what to do cos if someone's got an eyeball

hanging out, obviously, you just pop it back in with a bit of Blu Tack.

It's harder if their insides are ill.

So what I do is I give them every type of pill

and just hope one of them works.

Sometimes it makes them not hurt, but sometimes

they have a very long sleep and um...a man takes them away.

So, if you are ill,

just hope your local university has a good drama department.

Thousands of Britons who don't drink that much anyway are currently

enjoying a pretend battle with alcohol.

Boring people with normal levels of self-control are having

a drink-free January, allowing them to experience the thrill of a life

or death battle with their alcoholic demons, but in a lame, amateur way.

Here's our reporter, Emma Bradford, with more.

Every year, drink is not really a problem for most Britons,

but that doesn't stop us making a huge fuss in January,

when we give it up for no particular reason.

Earlier, I spoke to pretend alcoholic Julian Cook.

Yeah, it's going to be tough.

But with the support of my family and my friends,

I'm just hopeful that I can break my three glasses of wine a week habit.

The hardest thing, actually, is seeing other people drinking

and you hate them for it because you just want that blissful oblivion

you can only get from a small glass of red wine with your Sunday lunch.

We'll be back with more later.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So, Rachel is, as ever, at the social media wall,

taking your comments and queries about the stories.

Rachel, in the wake of the Weinstein scandal and the Me Too campaign,

I believe you wanted to pick up on the confusion surrounding

what actually constitutes sexual harassment.

Yes, that's right, Nish.

Or should I say, "Stop sexually harassing me, Nish!"

Because even talking to a woman is now completely off-limits.

-Isn't that right, Nish?

-No!

-No, it's not, Nish,

but it's fun to pretend to be confused about that, isn't it?

In the light of recent revelations,

many men are feeling very worried about their own behaviour

and feeling a little bit threatened as well, which makes me so sad.

"Well done, feminism," says Martin Daubney, in The Telegraph.

"Now men are afraid to help women at work."

Well, Nish, as ever, the Daily Mail provides a very good barometer

of the British public, with this headline, which actually happened...

Sociologist Carolann Peterson says in the article...

Nish, it's an absolute minefield!

What could possibly be wrong with spanking a colleague?!

Or the prospect of a sudden arm grabbing you from the shadows?!

-Hang on, are these real headlines?

-They're real, Nish!

They're genuine headlines! Welcome to the world!

Nish, if you would, please, come and join me

and let's see if we can, together, sort this mess out.

It's absolutely impossible to see where the line is,

so I've come up with a series of visual aids to help

you at home through this difficult time.

So, the first one, the biggest question is -

-what is sexual harassment?

-OK, well, let me first say,

very nice use of the Comic Sans font there, Rachel.

Thank you, Nish. If you're laughing, you're learning.

So, let's start at the start.

First things first, can I compliment a woman? Yes.

You can say something like, "Hello. You look well." That's fine.

But you can't holler, "Nice whaps," at her from a car.

Not any more! Sorry, Nish.

What do you mean, sorry, Nish?!

RIP, the good old days!

OK, is it OK to give a woman flowers?

-Yes.

-Yes! You're right, Nish, yes.

As long as you don't put your penis in there.

It's tricky, isn't it?

OK.

Is it OK to give a cheery hello to a lady? Yes! Of course it is.

But not if you're hiding under her bed.

Not according to the PC brigade!

-Now, Nish, take a look at the screen.

-Yes.

I'd like you to tell me, Nish, do you think, in your view,

that this is sexual harassment?

"Hi, Jan, can I borrow your stapler?"

No.

-He has got an erection, Nish.

-Ah, right.

Having reviewed this picture and the angle he is standing at,

I now see that I was naive to think he was not fully erect.

Very good, Nish. Although, in truth, it's impossible to tell.

His arm is directly in the way.

Let's assume that this one is fine, but what about this one, Nish?

"Jan, please some to the server room and wank me off."

I'm going to say... Yeah, I'm going to say that's a definite not OK.

Yes! Nish, you got one right!

So, Nish, um, I'm going to do now some harassment role play with you.

-OK. I'm immediately uncomfortable.

-Don't worry, Nish.

Nish, don't worry, you're a non-threatening beta male

who's absolutely tailor-made for the friend zone.

So...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Nish, what we're going to do is, imagine we're in a normal

-pub situation.

-Sure.

And we're friends, like we are.

In a way.

-Um, so, how would you greet me normally in a pub?

-OK.

-Well, we were friends, so I would just give you a hug.

-Exactly.

So give me a hug now. But now just hold that for a little bit too long.

So, you know what that feels like. Does that feel right or wrong?

-It's feeling more and more wrong by the second.

-Yes, that's right, Nish.

If it feels wrong, it IS wrong.

Sometimes, a simple greeting like a hug can be harassment,

if one of the participants is obviously using

it for their own weird gratification.

Hugging is absolutely fine, Nish,

but is blood suddenly moving to the groin area?

If it is, then it's a bad hug!

Is it, Nish? Is it?

No, there's no blood flowing anywhere.

OK, wonderful. Thank you for your help. Thank you. I'm afraid...

Don't look at the script, Nish! It'll be fine, Nish!

You'll be able to wing on the night!

Of course, we wouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable!

Welcome to womanhood.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, I'm afraid that life is going to get harder, now that

we're not allowed to sexually harass anyone. Of course, it is.

But if you do stick to my handy guide, we will manage to walk that

terribly fine line between being a decent person and a complete wanker.

Good luck to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Charity fundraiser finally admits he does it to make

his friends feel shit.

Right wing fish see floating plastic as healthy sign

-of free market economy.

-And Tom Cruise to

star in Mission Really Tricky But Clearly Not Unachievable.

But first, a man has ruined a weekend away

with his girlfriend by saying what he was thinking.

Our reporter, Emma Bradford, is at the scene.

Martin Bishop and Eleanor Shaw had stopped at a cosy country pub

after a romantic walk when Ms Shaw looked up meaningfully at Bishop

and asked what he was thinking at that very moment.

The weekend was about to go very wrong indeed.

I was hoping he would say, maybe,

"This would be a great place to bring the kids one day."

Or even something corny but sweet, like,

"I have everything I'll ever need right here."

And what did you say, Martin?

I said, "Pigs are much bigger than you expect."

We'd just seen some pigs.

One of them was so big, you could ride it.

More from us later.

APPLAUSE

So, let's take a look now at the special

relationship between the US and the UK, a relationship so special,

only one side is really aware that it's a relationship.

The status of the special relationship has been

examined this week after Donald Trump's announcement that he

will not be visiting to open the new US Embassy,

an announcement he made via a statement crafted

with his chief of staff and his press secretary,

following several...

Ha-ha! No! It was on Twitter, probably while he was on the toilet.

Because nothing matters any more.

Trump also blamed the decision to sell the embassy

and the price it was sold for on Barack Obama.

Now, this almost goes without saying,

but that is complete nonsense.

Those decisions were taken under George W Bush.

At this point, Trump may as well change the motto under the

American Seal from "E pluribus unum"

to "Blameus itus on the blackus guy."

In response, London Mayor Sadiq Khan said that Donald Trump is not

welcome here, leading Boris Johnson to call Khan a puffed up,

pompous popinjay.

Now, I can't be the only Asian who heard puffed up and then pompous

and then was relieved he didn't end on a very different P word.

Also, Boris Johnson accusing Sadiq Khan of being pompous

is like Sadiq Khan accusing Boris Johnson of being Sadiq Khan.

The whole incident ended yet another contentious

week for the president after allegations that having been

brought a bipartisan immigration bill, discussions stalled

when Trump demanded to know why

so many immigrants from so-called "shithole countries,"

referring to Haiti, El Salvador and the whole of Africa, were

coming to the States and why there weren't more immigrants from Norway.

CNN described the remarks as "racially charged",

but that really undersells it. This is undeniable racism.

The comments were initially denied by White House spokesperson

and token brown guy Raj Shah.

Raj Shah. Raj Shah...

Raj Shah sounds like a white person had to invent a brown

person at short notice.

Trump then went on to say this:

No, no. I am not a racist.

I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed.

That, I can tell you.

The least racist person you've ever interviewed.

Trump having cleverly chosen there an interviewer who'd been

cryogenically frozen since conducting her last interview in Germany in 1943.

So, let's look at that least racist person claim, right.

In the past, Trump had tried to ban African-Americans from

living in properties in his developments.

He's referred to Mexicans as rapists,

and his whole political career only started

when he was asserting that Barack Obama wasn't born in America.

We're at the point where this man couldn't be more racist

if his Amazon recommended products were bedsheets, crosses and fire.

Being nice to Trump doesn't actually do anything.

Theresa May went and held his hand, and he still slapped a 220% tax

on British-made planes to protect American industry.

And America is the largest investor in the UK.

But much of that investment is in the financial sector.

That investment hasn't been jeopardised by Sadiq Khan,

it's been jeopardised by us telling the EU to go fuck itself because "blue passports!"

It comes down to a simple question.

Do we condemn the President of America's obvious racism,

or do we roll over in front of it?

Of course Boris Johnson has shrugged off prejudice

given that he's in the past used the slur "picaninnies"

and accused Barack Obama of having an ancestral

dislike of Britain owing to his part-Kenyan heritage.

In fairness, I also have an ancestral dislike of Boris Johnson,

in the sense that I come from a long line of people who hate racists.

And people who defend him saying, "Oh, he's not racist, he's just playing a character."

To them I reply, "Yes, and he's been playing that character 24 hours a day, seven days a week."

That is the kind of method acting even Daniel Day-Lewis would describe as being a bit much.

LAUGHTER

Look, instead of buddying up to Trump,

we should be allying ourselves with those Americans who are engaged in resisting this racist president.

Because, ultimately, regardless of the actions of our governments,

I genuinely believe that a special relationship

exists between the people of our two countries.

And I have evidence of this.

Just the fact that America voted in Trump

shows their commitment to the special relationship.

Because they saw us commit geopolitical suicide with Brexit,

and instead of thinking, "Well, we should avoid that land mine."

They reacted like this.

"Not on your own, little buddy."

And so, now, we're just going hand-in-hand off the edge

of a cliff like Thelma and Louise at the end of the film.

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a relationship that's truly special.

Woman surprised to still be overweight

despite having running app.

Tough-guy cyclist asserting authority with tinkle-tinkle bell.

Gilet wearer admits his arms have been cold for years.

But first - beavers, cocks and tits are three great species of animal,

but zoologists have finally submitted to the

forces of sexual innuendo, and agreed to rename them.

Professor Henry Brubaker is in our Cardiff studio.

Professor, what's the problem with the original names for these animals?

Well, last year I personally undertook

a study of amphibious mammals that ended in a legal...

problem when I sent a picture for my work e-mail simply titled

"Check out this wet, hairy beaver."

Which is exactly what we're seeing here.

No, Susan, as of this week, that is a river dog.

And it's not the only one. So, take a look at this animal.

A cock?

He chicken.

And... And here we have some...

Tits.

European robins.

And then this one.

Monkey?

No, that little chap actually was called a cock-eared fuckthumper.

But from now on it's just a monkey, yeah.

But renaming animals to avoid childish sniggering,

-is this really worthwhile?

-Debatable.

It may well be that if we wish to stimulate interest

in the natural world, animals should have even ruder names.

Would teenagers not be more receptive to the plight of the Asiatic fox

if it were called the red spunker?

Would the orangutan not have more charitable sponsors

if rechristened the flame-haired fannyman?

It certainly would, Professor. Thank you.

Please welcome to the show the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott.

Hello. Thank you. Thank you.

What do you reckon?

They seem pretty liberal this week, mate.

I can smell the sourdough bread from here.

Geoff, what are we talking about this week?

-We're talking about toxic masculinity.

-Really?

Yeah. Fundamentally, mate, Nish, men are confused. We are conflicted.

We don't know what we're supposed to be any more,

how we should live our lives.

Particularly in the realm of fatherhood.

What kind of father should we be?

And I'd like to draw your attention first to this image.

Now, a lot of you looking at that are probably thinking,

isn't that sweet? A man perfectly at ease with his child in a papoose.

But a lot of people are also thinking what I'm thinking,

which is "bellend". He looks like a bellend, doesn't the?

There's no getting away from it. All men in papooses look like bellends.

We didn't pixelate his face for legal reasons,

I did that to protect his shame.

LAUGHTER

-Come on, Geoff.

-Look at the kid's face, mate! He knows, look!

Not even two, and he knows that he's strapped to a muppet.

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff.

Toxic masculinity isn't just about the things you don't

like about, sort of, being a modern bloke.

It's become a hot button issue while we've been off the air.

The whole "Me Too" campaign.

Toxic masculinity is just about us re-evaluating

the self-destructive norms that we attach to typical male behaviour.

We're just trying to be better men, that's all it is.

-You must know that.

-Yeah, yeah, I know.

But it just annoys me the way that legitimate stories like that,

they get hijacked by the left-wing press

to promote a view of masculinity that they find acceptable.

So, there was this one article on that subject that did very well in the Guardian.

It did well, it got 44,000 shares,

and it was written by Jordan Stephens, one half of Rizzle Kicks.

And it included the following, which was the lines:

It's nice being told how to be a sensitive man

by the 25-year-old co-author of Mama Do The Hump.

LAUGHTER

And if he is a feminist, right, why does only Mama get to do the hump?

-Surely the humping workload should be split straight down the middle.

-OK, Geoff, look.

Look, Geoff, I can see why you're challenged by this, because

you're the kind of man who gets uncomfortable with male emotions.

-Not true.

-OK.

OK, fine. Here's a simple question.

-Should it be OK for a man to cry in public?

-It should.

But it's not, is it? Let's be honest.

It's like... It's one of those platitudes you can trot out.

"Yeah, no, it's absolutely fine."

But then you see it and you're like, "Oh, that's not good."

I mean, it's weak and it's pathetic, and I won't stand for it.

Because... APPLAUSE

There you go. That's women clapping, that is.

LAUGHTER

They're sick of it, Nish.

Right, this is all because you're some kind of tough guy?

No, no. Far from it. I cry a lot.

Believe me, as I've hit middle age it's replaced masturbation

as the thing I need to do...

The thing I need to do in order to sleep.

Like, there's still tissues by the bed,

but the reasons are much sadder. You know...

Geoff, first of all, it's a haunting image.

Secondly, I mean,

don't you think that heterosexual women want emotionally

intuitive men rather than a sort of return to unreconstructed manliness?

No, they want both. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe the lovely ladies in here,

some of them, they might want blokes who read poetry,

but equally, there are a lot of women that want their fella

to stop crying and bleed the fucking radiator, let's be honest.

-Am I right, ladies?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You didn't expect that reaction, did you, mate?

Cos they know what I know, which is sometimes you just need to man up.

OK, look, the phrase "man up",

I mean, you've hit on something quite important here.

That phrase is really a problem for a lot of people.

Oh, why, is it banned by the feminazis?

OK, that phrase is even more of a problem for even more people.

I think by that reaction you might be right.

It's like you're playing problematic minesweeper.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, it's not just its impact on women.

A phrase like "man up" also puts undue pressure on men.

-Have you ever considered how saying "man up" makes men feel?

-Yeah, yeah.

-And honestly, I think they need to man up. I think that's...

-LAUGHTER

I think that's what the phrase is there for,

it's for people that are intimidated by phrases, you know?

And also it's just a convenient figure of speech.

Like, if I'm sharing a hotel room with my mate and he says, "Can we sleep with the light on?"

What else am I supposed to say in that situation?

"Come on, Wayne, find your non-gender specific inner fortitude, will you?"

Geoff, listen, change is happening whether you like it or not.

Fine, maybe we should ban all gender specific language. Male or female.

-Like women's intuition, yeah?

-Why would you ban that?

What about all those women that have got no intuition at all?

Never know what's going on. Never able to read a room.

That poor, confused lady there,

she's still wondering why I haven't put anything into Room 101.

She doesn't know... She's got no idea.

I just want to clarify.

You're not denying the significance of the sex scandals that have been happening?

No, absolutely not. I'm glad that those arseholes got called out, absolutely.

-Yeah, good.

-And also it pisses me off, d'you know what I mean?

You got those people, they are ruining it, really,

those sleazebags, for nice guys like me.

I just wanted quietly enjoy my male privilege, but oh, no...

OK. That is... That is not what I meant.

We had it good, the patriarchy, didn't we? But they...

That is the absolute opposite of what is supposed to be happening.

It doesn't mean all aspects of masculinity need to change.

There used the one place where it was good to be a tough guy,

where it was important, but that's gone.

We all heard about those recent new adverts for the British Army.

-There's one advert in particular I'd like to focus on, which is this one.

-Yeah.

-Going to need some water for that.

-Cheers, kid.

So, is this what the Army is about now, is it? Eh?

Crying and sniffing teabags?

LAUGHTER

Geoff, look, it's just a symbol of home.

But you've got to be realistic about what is

required in the theatre of war, right?

He's crying at that, he's not going to be any good on foot patrol, is he?

The bloke that cries sniffing a teabag can hardly be relied upon to torch a village.

LAUGHTER

Have you...?

Again, it's the same people applauding, and I'm quite concerned.

-Notice they put them at the back, though?

-Yeah.

Listen, Geoff, we're running out of time.

but I'm determined to get you to open up a bit.

Is there anything that you want to take this opportunity now to sort of get off your chest?

No.

Dad never took me fishing.

LAUGHTER

-Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

-Thank you.

Right, let's go over to Rachel at the social media wall

to get a very quick update on the best messages coming in from you guys

about the stories we've covered tonight. Rachel?

Thank you, Nish.

I'm getting a huge amount of abuse for talking about harassment, as you can imagine.

So please, please do keep that coming in.

One of the cleaner comments I've had came in from Phil In The Gaps who says:

I hear you, Phil. Silent But Violent asks:

And finally, Real Lady comes out in defence of President Trump.

She says:

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all from The Mash Report, we'll be back next week with

more atypical analysis and alternative facts. Good night.