Episode 2 The Mash Report


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the fake news show

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that every day gets a little closer to being the actual news.

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So much to talk about this week.

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In America, the government briefly shut down,

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and how did President Trump reassure the American people

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that he was still hard at work? He released this photo.

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He has no paper and no files.

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This image is basically a man who has never done a day's work

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in his life doing what he thinks work looks like.

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Also, worryingly, there's more on the desk

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in the pretend Oval Office at Madame Tussaud's.

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And perhaps even more concerningly...

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..the real Trump looks less presidential than the one

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that's made of dead candles.

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The White House was pretty clear on who they felt was to blame.

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If you called the White House during the shutdown,

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you'd get this genuine voicemail.

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Wow.

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That is the White House being passive aggressive

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via the medium of voicemail.

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It's so '90s, they may as well send every US citizen a fax saying,

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"Talk to the hand."

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In the UK, the Jewish Labour Movement has criticised

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the party for failing to address an enormous backlog

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of complaints about anti-Semitism.

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"We abhor anti-Semitism in all its forms," said, amazingly, no-one.

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Labour's stance on anti-Semitism remains similar

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to its stance on Brexit.

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It's basically the three dots typing symbol, and the best case scenario

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is that, next week, it'll be upgraded to a shrugging emoji.

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Then, on Tuesday night, the Financial Times broke the grim story

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of a charity event at the now closed establishment,

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the Presidents Club, at which no women were allowed.

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First of all, that is incredibly pathetic.

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The whole thing sounds like the dream of an eight-year-old boy.

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Oh, when I grow up, I'm going to make a cool club

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and it's going to be called the Presidents Club.

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And there'll be no girls allowed!

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Unfortunately, there were women in attendance

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but purely in servile roles, as scantily clad waitresses,

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allegedly subjected to sexual harassment and assault.

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Many of the attendees claimed to not have seen this or to not have

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been aware it occurred but you have to wonder what they were expecting,

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given the event required a signing of a disclaimer

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saying that they shall not be held liable for any actions

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of its members, staff or event attendees

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that amounts to harassment.

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Now, if you turn up at a zoo and the owners run up to you and say,

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"Hey, if a lion eats you, it's not our fault," you know three things.

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Number one, the lions aren't in their cages.

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Number two, through no fault of your own,

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you may be about to be eaten by a lion.

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And, number three, the people running the zoo

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are complete pieces of shit.

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And now over to the Mash newsdesk for the headlines.

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The latest headlines.

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"Just remember who's the real fucking Princess here," says Kate Middleton.

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"I'm banning really shit Ed Sheeran songs from my wedding,"

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says Ed Sheeran.

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And woman saves time on baking by just begging people to like her.

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But, first, with UKIP members

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yet again unhappy with their party leader,

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members have made themselves a new one from old clothes

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stuffed with newspaper and a balloon for a head.

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After issues with its leader shagging the wrong sort of racist,

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or suddenly wandering off to kiss Donald Trump's bum,

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grassroot members decided to hand build their inspiring new chief,

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named Winston Balloonhead.

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Winston is already the best leader we've ever had

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because he hasn't done anything mind-bogglingly

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stupid, like leaving his wife for a cat that looks like Hitler,

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although that may just be because we didn't give him a cock.

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Earlier, we were able to secure an interview with Mr Balloonhead.

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I intend to lead UKIP to greater political achievements than

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ever before, and maybe even get an MP.

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That's after I've been to the pub and got shitfaced on real ale

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because I'm just an ordinary balloon bloke.

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# Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the... #

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POP!

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I'm sure we're all wishing the new UKIP leader a speedy recovery.

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The biggest wanker from your school is living in Dubai now.

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Called Michael Something, the rugby-obsessed dickhead either works

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for a bank or designs swimming pools for people with massive guard dogs.

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Earlier, we caught up with Mike Or Whatever at his soulless,

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large flat that was built by slaves.

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The expat community here is full of people we really get along with.

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I call them "quality people."

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We don't pay any tax and we have jet skis.

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They're like these little boats that you stand up on

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and you go round and round in circles until you get bored.

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It's the bollocks.

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We'll be back with more later.

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This has been a week of public apologies.

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Jo Marney, the UKIP leader's girlfriend, said sorry for

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texting racist remarks about Prince Harry's girlfriend to a friend.

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And MP Ben Bradley apologised for his comments about police brutality

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and making unemployed people have vasectomies.

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Rachel, I think you have something to say about these apologies

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and public apologies in general.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris.

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Thank you.

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Thank you, and thank you, Nish. And Nish, I forgive you.

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-I didn't apologise for anything.

-Oh, dear.

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Well, that leads us perfectly into this week's topic

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and perhaps you should pay very careful attention, Nish.

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Again, I'm not sure what I'm apologising to or for,

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I don't know what's going on.

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Quite. Now...

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We've all been in the situation where we've accidentally made

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an egregious racial slur or suggested an unemployed person

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should be sterilised.

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That kind of thing can slip out of anyone's mouth.

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So, this is my handy guide to making a public apology.

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First up, we have the "It was taken out of context" apology.

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This week, Jo Marney,

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the girlfriend of UKIP leader Henry Bolton,

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apologised for saying that Prince Harry's black American fiancee...

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Now... I know what you're thinking, Nish.

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What on earth is wrong with that?

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Right?

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-That is the exact opposite of what I was thinking.

-Really?

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Wow, I thought I could read your mind but, no, you're a mystery.

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Well...

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Well, actually, Nish, believe it or not,

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some people have detected a hint of a racist undertone there.

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And it's prompted poor Jo to issue a statement saying

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"the opinions have, to an extent, been taken out of context."

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Of course, there was a perfectly reasonable, hidden context,

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and I, for one, think that that context was one of celebration.

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I imagine that the original conversation

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went something a bit like this.

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And, quite possibly, when she went on to describe

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Islam as "the cancer of this earth," the context was probably just

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a whimsical discussion about what star sign each religion might be.

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Next up, we have the "Pardon my French" apology.

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MP Ben Bradley this week issued an apology for saying,

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during the London riots,

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that he was looking forward to the police playing "Splat the chav."

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He said, "I apologise for these posts..."

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Well, Nish, I think we can all agree that the main problem with

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what he said is indeed one of vocabulary.

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It would have been absolutely fine if, instead of saying

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"splat the chav" he'd said that the police should "crush the poor."

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That's a phrase we can all get behind, isn't it, Nish?

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That is absolutely not a phrase we can all get...

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I don't know why these people are laughing at that.

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I do.

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And, finally, we have not a recent one

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but a vintage classic in the oeuvre which we can still learn a lot from.

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The "If I did that" apology.

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Kevin Spacey had to apologise for the accusation that he'd

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climbed on top of then 14-year-old actor

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Anthony Rapp in a bedroom at a party.

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And he said...

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So, essentially, he's saying, "I mean, yeah, sounds like me

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"but I can't be expected to remember every single time

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"I've jumped on top of a minor and tried to shag it." Be more specific!

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I hear you, Kev.

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Nish, let's try the "If I did that" apology in action.

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-OK, go on, yeah.

-So, ready?

-Yeah.

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Nish, I apologise for calling you a nonthreatening, beta male who's

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tailor-made for the friend zone in last week's show, if I did.

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-I mean, you absolutely did.

-Well, if I did, Nish, then I'm sorry.

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No, there's no if. We have it on camera.

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It's been broadcast, 12 million people have seen it on Facebook.

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-Nish, if I said that, I apologise.

-I mean, I don't actually mind.

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That's good because I didn't actually apologise.

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And we can really see how effective that is

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because now Nish is thinking that I'm great,

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and is starting to wonder if I even did say that,

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despite the fact that I definitely did and I definitely meant it. So...

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Hopefully, the next time you make a faux pas,

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like forgetting a birthday or assaulting a teenager...

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you'll know exactly how to make amends.

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Straight back, good vocab, and show no remorse. Back to you, Nish.

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Thank you, Rachel Parris!

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And now onto Brexit.

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This week, farmers have warned that they may be

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hit by a shortage of migrant workers because of the terms of Brexit.

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They've blamed "the uncertainty"

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and claimed it's been harder than ever to recruit staff.

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To get to the bottom of this issue,

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please welcome our rural affairs correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.

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Thank you.

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Ooh-ar.

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-Ooh-ar.

-Ooh-ar.

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So, Andrew, if farms can't hire migrant workers, which

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they've sort of traditionally done, that's a really bad thing, right?

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Yes, it's a bad thing.

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Some farmers have complained about fruit rotting in their fields.

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Others about how a shortage of workers has led to

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fewer potatoes being planted.

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-And you know what that means.

-What does that mean?

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That the traditional British meal of fruit and chips is in big trouble.

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-OK. Fruit and chips is not a thing, Andrew.

-Not for long, Nish.

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Not for long.

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So, I wanted to investigate this a bit further.

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So, I got my wellies on, I put a bit of hay in my mouth,

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and I went down to a farm.

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I have heard that on some farms there is food rotting in the fields.

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-Can that be true?

-Very true.

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Anything that is not of perfect quality

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would tend to get left to rot,

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as shown down here on the floor and, of course,

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we must have sufficient labour to pick,

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and we have left apples in places where we didn't have enough pickers.

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Why haven't you had enough pickers?

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The agents reported the phones stopped ringing on Friday the 24th.

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The 24th June, 2016, the day after the referendum?

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-The day after the referendum.

-Really, that abrupt?

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It was that quick. Why go to work somewhere where

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you're being told you're not wanted?

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Do you think we will ever have

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apples clever enough to pick themselves?

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How would you get them into the bin?

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-They'd have to throw themselves into the bin.

-Yes.

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-So I think you've answered your own question.

-Yep.

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OK, there are fewer EU workers

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but I'm sure the great British public will roll up their sleeves,

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get their hands dirty and save our farms.

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We're looking to recruit for an amazing job opportunity.

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It involves fresh air, adorable animals,

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-and an endless supply of food. Are you interested?

-Yes.

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OK, you will have to kill the animals

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and you're not allowed to eat any of the food.

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-Are you still interested?

-No.

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Why do you think British people don't want to work on farms?

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Cos they're lazy.

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They all think a day's work is like nine in the morning till four

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in the afternoon with a f... lunch break.

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Why are you here?

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People need to eat! Get to the farms! All of you, get to the farms!

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Can I ask, did you grow that sandwich yourself?

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No, I didn't grow it myself.

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Right, that's it, you can't have it. Sick of this.

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With little hope of recruiting British workers,

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it appears it's up to the government

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to look after our hard-working farmers. So, what's being done?

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Do you think the government has farmers'

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-interests at heart concerning Brexit negotiations?

-Not at all.

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Our current Secretary of State, Michael Gove, is going

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around licking the nether regions of all interest groups,

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-conservation, animal welfare...

-Sorry, he's doing what?

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Well...

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He's being terribly nice to them

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-and purring all over them...

-Right.

-..to try and say,

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"Trust me, I'll raise standards."

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So, there's no actual licking of nether regions going on?

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No, I'm sure he's an honourable married man.

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You have said in the past, "I hope those who voted Brexit

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"and who still want to eat British are prepared to go to

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"Lincolnshire in the winter to pick vegetables."

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My point was we should celebrate and be very grateful for people

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coming from other countries within the European Union who do

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want to pick Brussels sprouts and carrots and potatoes.

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Is it reasonable to ask anybody to go to Lincolnshire, though?

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Well, I'm from Lincolnshire, so that's why I said that.

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Right. Yes.

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A lot of people are worried about farms losing workers from the EU.

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To replace them, could we not replace pick your own fruit with...

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stun your own calf?

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I think that's a damn stupid suggestion, if I'm honest.

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Strangle your own lamb?

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I think you're just being silly.

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Disembowel your own beaver?

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I don't think so.

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OK, that's a no to all of those.

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I think you're really being a bit of a bourgeois pillock, actually.

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-Sorry?

-You're a bourgeois pillock.

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Hm.

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Before the Brexit vote, a lot of British farm work was

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done by a dedicated force of EU migrant workers.

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After Brexit, who knows? But I'll tell you one thing.

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Rotting fruit, destitute farmers and a hungry nation

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are a small price to pay

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for taking back control.

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OK. That's all well and good, Andrew,

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but, in the interests of balance,

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we should say that a lot of farmers have actually praised

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Michael Gove for his work since becoming

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Secretary of State for Defra, making subsidies fairer, improving

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soil quality, and delivering a 25-year environmental plan.

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Well, in all those plans, they never mention workers,

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not in their five-year departmental plan,

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certainly not in their 25-year environmental plan.

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The soil can be as fit as fuck, Nish, but...

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..if we can't pull crops out of it, what's the point?

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So, we have actually pressed Gove for a statement,

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-and we have received one from Defra.

-OK, I mean, I'm disappointed

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you couldn't get an actual interview with Michael Gove.

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Yes, but, fortunately, I look like a young Michael Gove. So...

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-..what I'm going to do... Right, here we go.

-OK, what are you doing?

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This is an actual statement from Michael Gove

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but I'm not really Michael Gove.

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-Is that clear?

-Crystal.

-OK.

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"We must think about how to make sure the labour market

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"works effectively so businesses can continue to secure

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"a proper return on their investment.

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"And that means not just a flexible migration policy overall but,

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"as we leave the EU, ensuring access to seasonal, agricultural labour."

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I mean, we would need to hire a group of migrant workers

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to pick any detail out of that statement whatsoever.

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-Well, actually, I've been perfectly clear...

-Stop being Michael Gove!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up

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for the young Michael Gove, Andrew Hunter Murray!

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The latest headlines.

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Man accidentally says "She'd get it," while watching TV with his mum.

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Princess Eugenie wedding memorabilia to be exclusive to Primark.

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And men with extremely loud motorbikes,

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twats in other ways, too.

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But, first, the Loch Ness Monster, the Bermuda Triangle,

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Labour's position on Brexit -

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these are the great mysteries of our age.

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But, finally, Jeremy Corbyn's party has confirmed its Brexit stance,

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which is to say or do something distracting whenever it's mentioned.

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Our reporter Nathan Muir caught up with party spokesman Donna Sheridan.

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Half the Labour Party says one thing,

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the other half says something completely different.

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Are you for or against leaving the single market?

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What... What's that dog doing?

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Donald Trump has confirmed his second year in the White House

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is to be just like the court of Jabba the Hut. Nathan...

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what are you hearing?

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Well, tonight,

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US government officials confirmed the President has gone full Jabba,

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eating live frogs from a jar,

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dressing his daughter in a metal bikini,

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and making her dance for him.

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-Nathan, is that a little bit weird?

-According to Trump, it's not weird.

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"She's just a great mover."

0:19:350:19:37

More from us later.

0:19:380:19:40

The NHS turns 70 this year and, ironically, if it was

0:19:470:19:51

a 70-year-old, it would currently be putting a huge strain on itself.

0:19:510:19:55

Here's an advert from the year it launched.

0:19:560:19:58

This leaflet is coming through your letterbox one day soon.

0:19:580:20:02

Our plan is a service which will provide the best medical advice and

0:20:030:20:08

treatment for everyone, every man, woman, and child in this country.

0:20:080:20:11

It'll cover any medicines you may need, specialist advice,

0:20:130:20:17

and, of course, hospital treatment, whatever the illness.

0:20:170:20:20

Special care for mothers and children,

0:20:200:20:23

and a lot of other things besides.

0:20:230:20:25

My first thought there is...

0:20:250:20:28

it's weird to have to watch an advert for that long.

0:20:280:20:31

I don't know if I've been watching too much YouTube but I can't have

0:20:310:20:33

been the only one thinking, "Where's the skip ad button?"

0:20:330:20:37

Sure, I love the NHS,

0:20:370:20:38

but I want to see a compilation of cats playing the piano.

0:20:380:20:42

This week, Boris Johnson announced he was going to ask for more

0:20:420:20:44

money for the NHS in Tuesday's Cabinet meeting,

0:20:440:20:47

to which Chancellor Philip Hammond responded...

0:20:470:20:50

"Boris Johnson is the Foreign Secretary."

0:20:500:20:53

Ho-ho-ho!

0:20:530:20:55

Looks like Phil's used the winter fuel allowance

0:20:550:20:58

for one huge, sick burn.

0:20:580:21:00

It does seem like Johnson is articulating the view of a large

0:21:040:21:07

number of Tory voters, as a YouGov poll showed that 70% of them

0:21:070:21:10

view the NHS as their biggest concern.

0:21:100:21:13

The poll also showed only 34% of Conservative voters believe

0:21:130:21:16

Jeremy Hunt should have held on to his job

0:21:160:21:18

in the most recent reshuffle.

0:21:180:21:20

The rumour is that Theresa May had planned to move him

0:21:200:21:23

to Business and he simply refused.

0:21:230:21:25

And, let me just say this, as someone who's been

0:21:250:21:28

fired from various jobs, I respect the hell out of Jeremy Hunt.

0:21:280:21:32

I've never had the balls when someone says, "You're fired,"

0:21:320:21:35

to just look them in the eye and say, "No. I want more."

0:21:350:21:40

I'm going to remember that when they fire me from this job.

0:21:400:21:43

Not only am I staying at The Mash Report,

0:21:430:21:46

I want Mock The Week as well,

0:21:460:21:47

and, guess what, I'm coming for you next, the News!

0:21:470:21:50

Under Hunt and his predecessor Andrew Lansley,

0:21:570:21:59

the NHS hasn't been getting enough money.

0:21:590:22:02

Funding increases are at an historic low,

0:22:020:22:04

and social care cuts have put an extra strain on the NHS.

0:22:040:22:08

Inexplicably, some ministers have been trying to defend

0:22:080:22:11

the government's record, which is hard.

0:22:110:22:14

This is the least defensible record since my album of Disney covers,

0:22:140:22:18

When You Nish Upon Kumar.

0:22:180:22:19

That is not a Photoshop.

0:22:270:22:29

Margot James said the government believes in the NHS,

0:22:290:22:33

and the previous week on Question Time, Dominic Raab claimed

0:22:330:22:36

the government had provided more beds than ever before,

0:22:360:22:39

a claim which proved to be false.

0:22:390:22:41

And the weird thing about it is that I was on that Question Time.

0:22:410:22:45

I was right there! You lied to me, Dominic! How could you?

0:22:450:22:49

I trusted you, man!

0:22:490:22:51

Even though, when I walked into the green room,

0:22:510:22:53

and this is a true story, you were saying, "Nice to meet you, Nish,"

0:22:530:22:57

to a man who turned out to be Gina Miller's brother.

0:22:570:23:00

Even though the show tweeted photos of all of us

0:23:020:23:06

the day before so we all knew what each other looked like,

0:23:060:23:09

you just ignored it, and went up to the first brown guy you saw

0:23:090:23:12

and assumed he was me, even though he has glasses and no beard!

0:23:120:23:17

Look at him!

0:23:190:23:21

So... We all know what the problem is, right?

0:23:220:23:25

There's not enough money in the NHS but we've been told for the past

0:23:250:23:28

ten years that there isn't enough money to go into public services.

0:23:280:23:31

In fact, during the general election campaign,

0:23:310:23:33

Theresa May infamously said to an actual nurse...

0:23:330:23:36

There isn't a magic money tree that we can shake that suddenly

0:23:360:23:39

provides for everything that people want.

0:23:390:23:41

Look at her face.

0:23:450:23:47

What Theresa May said there is the worst thing she's ever seen

0:23:480:23:52

and she is a nurse.

0:23:520:23:54

It's hard to swallow the idea that there isn't enough money,

0:23:550:23:57

given the Prime Minister managed to find £1 billion to bribe the DUP.

0:23:570:24:01

Also, since 2010,

0:24:010:24:03

successive governments have managed to find room for tax cuts,

0:24:030:24:06

costing the public purse billions, both from the tax cut

0:24:060:24:09

to the top rate of income tax and the cut to corporation tax.

0:24:090:24:13

A policy so bad it was criticised by Deloitte.

0:24:130:24:16

And Deloitte exist to help corporations avoid paying tax.

0:24:160:24:20

It's like Wetherspoon's promoting Dry January.

0:24:200:24:23

But Johnson isn't proposing reversing any of these tax cuts.

0:24:250:24:28

He's claiming the money will come from "a Brexit dividend,"

0:24:280:24:31

a term which he's not clarified.

0:24:310:24:33

Meanwhile, in the year after the Brexit vote,

0:24:330:24:35

the number of EU nurses applying to join the NHS dropped by 96%

0:24:350:24:40

and on Wednesday came the news that doctors from non-EU

0:24:400:24:43

countries are struggling to get visas to fill urgent vacancies.

0:24:430:24:47

In that poll of Tory voters, the number one concern was Brexit

0:24:470:24:50

but the number three concern was immigration. And that's weird.

0:24:500:24:54

They're worried about the NHS whilst stopping people coming

0:24:540:24:57

to work for the NHS.

0:24:570:24:58

That's like your number one concern being, "Do people think I'm a twat?"

0:24:580:25:02

And your number three concern being,

0:25:020:25:03

"Where can I get a personalised numberplate that says BON3RKING?"

0:25:030:25:07

Johnson has no plan and he's just trying to appeal to voters.

0:25:100:25:14

But there is no time for playing politics

0:25:140:25:17

when people are literally dying in corridors.

0:25:170:25:19

The advert we showed was about selling free health care to people.

0:25:190:25:23

But now we all need to find a way of making it sustainable.

0:25:230:25:27

Perhaps the advert should look more like this.

0:25:270:25:30

We need more fucking money. There is a magic money tree, Prime Minister.

0:25:300:25:34

It's called rich people.

0:25:340:25:35

So, just grab Richard Branson off his kite board

0:25:350:25:38

and shake him by the ankles until old people stop dying.

0:25:380:25:41

The NHS -

0:25:410:25:42

because the only two certainties in life are death and taxes.

0:25:420:25:45

If you don't have taxes... you've just got death.

0:25:450:25:49

For God's sake.

0:25:510:25:52

Now let's head back over to the Mash newsdesk.

0:26:010:26:04

The latest headlines. Yoga mat enters fifth year behind sofa.

0:26:090:26:13

Unstable friend somehow now a counsellor.

0:26:140:26:18

And lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl.

0:26:210:26:24

But, first, Remain voters are often accused of being elitist

0:26:270:26:31

or out of touch.

0:26:310:26:32

Now, one man seeks to change this with an anti-Brexit acoustic gig

0:26:320:26:36

at his local vegan arts cafe in a nice area of London.

0:26:360:26:40

Massage therapist and keen amateur guitarist Stephen Malley will

0:26:400:26:44

perform his pro-Europe songs in the basement of Tofu Dove Arts Space,

0:26:440:26:48

some of which are so deep they may trigger a second referendum.

0:26:480:26:52

I love the EU more than I love anything, except music.

0:26:530:26:56

And we won't have any more music after Brexit,

0:26:560:26:58

so I've written a song to express my feelings about Europe.

0:26:580:27:01

I think anyone who hears it will want a second vote, you know.

0:27:010:27:05

Especially women.

0:27:050:27:07

# 12 gold stars on a field of blue

0:27:100:27:16

# Single market and free movement, too

0:27:160:27:20

# And I will try...

0:27:200:27:24

# To fix EU. #

0:27:240:27:27

But that's all from us.

0:27:320:27:33

Rachel has been taking a look at your e-mails, texts, and tweets

0:27:380:27:41

-on the story. What have you got for us, Rachel?

-Thanks, Nish.

0:27:410:27:44

@SexualEalingCommon has picked up on my piece

0:27:440:27:47

on apologies from earlier saying...

0:27:470:27:49

Thank you so much, SexualEalingCommon

0:27:570:27:59

for that thoughtful rumination on apologies.

0:27:590:28:01

Now, Nish, of course, the apology I was hoping to receive

0:28:010:28:04

was from your Question Time friend Dominic Raab saying,

0:28:040:28:07

"Sorry for getting you muddled up with Gina Miller's brother."

0:28:070:28:10

But I haven't had anything, I'm afraid.

0:28:100:28:13

That's OK, Rachel. I've learnt to accept it.

0:28:130:28:16

APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:20

Nish, am I allowed to say you're looking more handsome than usual?

0:28:270:28:30

Thank you very much.

0:28:300:28:31

On the dreadful flu that's going around, TrannyMagnet says...

0:28:330:28:37

Now, we don't know for sure that TrannyMagnet is a qualified doctor

0:28:460:28:49

but certainly the advice rings true,

0:28:490:28:51

so probably just give that a go, don't you think, Nish?

0:28:510:28:53

-Absolutely not.

-Little peaky now. So...

0:28:530:28:57

And here's an angry one about the royal weddings

0:29:000:29:02

coming in from Slack Baddath.

0:29:020:29:04

Quite right. Just like the good old days, Slack Baddath.

0:29:120:29:15

Sensible, money-saving tip, I say. Back to you, Nish.

0:29:150:29:19

Thank you, Rachel Parris!

0:29:190:29:20

That's all from The Mash Report this week.

0:29:230:29:25

We'll be back next week for more headlines, news, and analysis.

0:29:250:29:27

I'll leave you with the same words I said to Dominic Raab -

0:29:270:29:31

I'm Nish Kumar. Good night!

0:29:310:29:33

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