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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the fake news show | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
that every day gets a little closer to being the actual news. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
So much to talk about this week. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
In America, the government briefly shut down, | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
and how did President Trump reassure the American people | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
that he was still hard at work? He released this photo. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
He has no paper and no files. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
This image is basically a man who has never done a day's work | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
in his life doing what he thinks work looks like. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
Also, worryingly, there's more on the desk | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
in the pretend Oval Office at Madame Tussaud's. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
And perhaps even more concerningly... | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
..the real Trump looks less presidential than the one | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
that's made of dead candles. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
The White House was pretty clear on who they felt was to blame. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
If you called the White House during the shutdown, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
you'd get this genuine voicemail. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Wow. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
That is the White House being passive aggressive | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
via the medium of voicemail. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
It's so '90s, they may as well send every US citizen a fax saying, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
"Talk to the hand." | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
In the UK, the Jewish Labour Movement has criticised | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
the party for failing to address an enormous backlog | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
of complaints about anti-Semitism. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
"We abhor anti-Semitism in all its forms," said, amazingly, no-one. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:12 | |
Labour's stance on anti-Semitism remains similar | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
to its stance on Brexit. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
It's basically the three dots typing symbol, and the best case scenario | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
is that, next week, it'll be upgraded to a shrugging emoji. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Then, on Tuesday night, the Financial Times broke the grim story | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
of a charity event at the now closed establishment, | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
the Presidents Club, at which no women were allowed. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:36 | |
First of all, that is incredibly pathetic. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
The whole thing sounds like the dream of an eight-year-old boy. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
Oh, when I grow up, I'm going to make a cool club | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
and it's going to be called the Presidents Club. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
And there'll be no girls allowed! | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Unfortunately, there were women in attendance | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
but purely in servile roles, as scantily clad waitresses, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
allegedly subjected to sexual harassment and assault. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Many of the attendees claimed to not have seen this or to not have | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
been aware it occurred but you have to wonder what they were expecting, | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
given the event required a signing of a disclaimer | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
saying that they shall not be held liable for any actions | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
of its members, staff or event attendees | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
that amounts to harassment. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
Now, if you turn up at a zoo and the owners run up to you and say, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
"Hey, if a lion eats you, it's not our fault," you know three things. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
Number one, the lions aren't in their cages. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Number two, through no fault of your own, | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
you may be about to be eaten by a lion. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
And, number three, the people running the zoo | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
are complete pieces of shit. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
And now over to the Mash newsdesk for the headlines. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
The latest headlines. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
"Just remember who's the real fucking Princess here," says Kate Middleton. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
"I'm banning really shit Ed Sheeran songs from my wedding," | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
says Ed Sheeran. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:03 | |
And woman saves time on baking by just begging people to like her. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:09 | |
But, first, with UKIP members | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
yet again unhappy with their party leader, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
members have made themselves a new one from old clothes | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
stuffed with newspaper and a balloon for a head. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
After issues with its leader shagging the wrong sort of racist, | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
or suddenly wandering off to kiss Donald Trump's bum, | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
grassroot members decided to hand build their inspiring new chief, | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
named Winston Balloonhead. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Winston is already the best leader we've ever had | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
because he hasn't done anything mind-bogglingly | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
stupid, like leaving his wife for a cat that looks like Hitler, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
although that may just be because we didn't give him a cock. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Earlier, we were able to secure an interview with Mr Balloonhead. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
I intend to lead UKIP to greater political achievements than | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
ever before, and maybe even get an MP. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
That's after I've been to the pub and got shitfaced on real ale | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
because I'm just an ordinary balloon bloke. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
# Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the... # | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
POP! | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
I'm sure we're all wishing the new UKIP leader a speedy recovery. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
The biggest wanker from your school is living in Dubai now. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
Called Michael Something, the rugby-obsessed dickhead either works | 0:05:30 | 0:05:35 | |
for a bank or designs swimming pools for people with massive guard dogs. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
Earlier, we caught up with Mike Or Whatever at his soulless, | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
large flat that was built by slaves. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
The expat community here is full of people we really get along with. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
I call them "quality people." | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
We don't pay any tax and we have jet skis. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
They're like these little boats that you stand up on | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
and you go round and round in circles until you get bored. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
It's the bollocks. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
We'll be back with more later. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
This has been a week of public apologies. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
Jo Marney, the UKIP leader's girlfriend, said sorry for | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
texting racist remarks about Prince Harry's girlfriend to a friend. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
And MP Ben Bradley apologised for his comments about police brutality | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
and making unemployed people have vasectomies. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
Rachel, I think you have something to say about these apologies | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
and public apologies in general. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Thank you. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Thank you, and thank you, Nish. And Nish, I forgive you. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
-I didn't apologise for anything. -Oh, dear. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Well, that leads us perfectly into this week's topic | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
and perhaps you should pay very careful attention, Nish. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Again, I'm not sure what I'm apologising to or for, | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
I don't know what's going on. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Quite. Now... | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
We've all been in the situation where we've accidentally made | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
an egregious racial slur or suggested an unemployed person | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
should be sterilised. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
That kind of thing can slip out of anyone's mouth. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
So, this is my handy guide to making a public apology. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:13 | |
First up, we have the "It was taken out of context" apology. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
This week, Jo Marney, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
the girlfriend of UKIP leader Henry Bolton, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
apologised for saying that Prince Harry's black American fiancee... | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Now... I know what you're thinking, Nish. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
What on earth is wrong with that? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Right? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
-That is the exact opposite of what I was thinking. -Really? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
Wow, I thought I could read your mind but, no, you're a mystery. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
Well... | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Well, actually, Nish, believe it or not, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
some people have detected a hint of a racist undertone there. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
And it's prompted poor Jo to issue a statement saying | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
"the opinions have, to an extent, been taken out of context." | 0:08:01 | 0:08:06 | |
Of course, there was a perfectly reasonable, hidden context, | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
and I, for one, think that that context was one of celebration. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
I imagine that the original conversation | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
went something a bit like this. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
And, quite possibly, when she went on to describe | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Islam as "the cancer of this earth," the context was probably just | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
a whimsical discussion about what star sign each religion might be. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Next up, we have the "Pardon my French" apology. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
MP Ben Bradley this week issued an apology for saying, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
during the London riots, | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
that he was looking forward to the police playing "Splat the chav." | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
He said, "I apologise for these posts..." | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
Well, Nish, I think we can all agree that the main problem with | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
what he said is indeed one of vocabulary. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
It would have been absolutely fine if, instead of saying | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
"splat the chav" he'd said that the police should "crush the poor." | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
That's a phrase we can all get behind, isn't it, Nish? | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
That is absolutely not a phrase we can all get... | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
I don't know why these people are laughing at that. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
I do. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:29 | |
And, finally, we have not a recent one | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
but a vintage classic in the oeuvre which we can still learn a lot from. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
The "If I did that" apology. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Kevin Spacey had to apologise for the accusation that he'd | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
climbed on top of then 14-year-old actor | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Anthony Rapp in a bedroom at a party. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
And he said... | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
So, essentially, he's saying, "I mean, yeah, sounds like me | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
"but I can't be expected to remember every single time | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
"I've jumped on top of a minor and tried to shag it." Be more specific! | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
I hear you, Kev. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
Nish, let's try the "If I did that" apology in action. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:13 | |
-OK, go on, yeah. -So, ready? -Yeah. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:14 | |
Nish, I apologise for calling you a nonthreatening, beta male who's | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
tailor-made for the friend zone in last week's show, if I did. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
-I mean, you absolutely did. -Well, if I did, Nish, then I'm sorry. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
No, there's no if. We have it on camera. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
It's been broadcast, 12 million people have seen it on Facebook. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
-Nish, if I said that, I apologise. -I mean, I don't actually mind. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
That's good because I didn't actually apologise. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
And we can really see how effective that is | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
because now Nish is thinking that I'm great, | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
and is starting to wonder if I even did say that, | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
despite the fact that I definitely did and I definitely meant it. So... | 0:10:51 | 0:10:56 | |
Hopefully, the next time you make a faux pas, | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
like forgetting a birthday or assaulting a teenager... | 0:10:58 | 0:11:02 | |
you'll know exactly how to make amends. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Straight back, good vocab, and show no remorse. Back to you, Nish. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:09 | |
Thank you, Rachel Parris! | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
And now onto Brexit. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
This week, farmers have warned that they may be | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
hit by a shortage of migrant workers because of the terms of Brexit. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
They've blamed "the uncertainty" | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
and claimed it's been harder than ever to recruit staff. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
To get to the bottom of this issue, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
please welcome our rural affairs correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
Thank you. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Ooh-ar. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
-Ooh-ar. -Ooh-ar. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
So, Andrew, if farms can't hire migrant workers, which | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
they've sort of traditionally done, that's a really bad thing, right? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Yes, it's a bad thing. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
Some farmers have complained about fruit rotting in their fields. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Others about how a shortage of workers has led to | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
fewer potatoes being planted. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
-And you know what that means. -What does that mean? | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
That the traditional British meal of fruit and chips is in big trouble. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
-OK. Fruit and chips is not a thing, Andrew. -Not for long, Nish. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
Not for long. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
So, I wanted to investigate this a bit further. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
So, I got my wellies on, I put a bit of hay in my mouth, | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
and I went down to a farm. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
I have heard that on some farms there is food rotting in the fields. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
-Can that be true? -Very true. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Anything that is not of perfect quality | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
would tend to get left to rot, | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
as shown down here on the floor and, of course, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
we must have sufficient labour to pick, | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
and we have left apples in places where we didn't have enough pickers. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
Why haven't you had enough pickers? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
The agents reported the phones stopped ringing on Friday the 24th. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:54 | |
The 24th June, 2016, the day after the referendum? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
-The day after the referendum. -Really, that abrupt? | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
It was that quick. Why go to work somewhere where | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
you're being told you're not wanted? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
Do you think we will ever have | 0:13:03 | 0:13:04 | |
apples clever enough to pick themselves? | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
How would you get them into the bin? | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
-They'd have to throw themselves into the bin. -Yes. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
-So I think you've answered your own question. -Yep. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
OK, there are fewer EU workers | 0:13:18 | 0:13:19 | |
but I'm sure the great British public will roll up their sleeves, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
get their hands dirty and save our farms. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
We're looking to recruit for an amazing job opportunity. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
It involves fresh air, adorable animals, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
-and an endless supply of food. Are you interested? -Yes. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
OK, you will have to kill the animals | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
and you're not allowed to eat any of the food. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
-Are you still interested? -No. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
Why do you think British people don't want to work on farms? | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
Cos they're lazy. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
They all think a day's work is like nine in the morning till four | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
in the afternoon with a f... lunch break. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
Why are you here? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
People need to eat! Get to the farms! All of you, get to the farms! | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
Can I ask, did you grow that sandwich yourself? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
No, I didn't grow it myself. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Right, that's it, you can't have it. Sick of this. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
With little hope of recruiting British workers, | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
it appears it's up to the government | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
to look after our hard-working farmers. So, what's being done? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Do you think the government has farmers' | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
-interests at heart concerning Brexit negotiations? -Not at all. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
Our current Secretary of State, Michael Gove, is going | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
around licking the nether regions of all interest groups, | 0:14:23 | 0:14:27 | |
-conservation, animal welfare... -Sorry, he's doing what? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
Well... | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
He's being terribly nice to them | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
-and purring all over them... -Right. -..to try and say, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
"Trust me, I'll raise standards." | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
So, there's no actual licking of nether regions going on? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
No, I'm sure he's an honourable married man. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
You have said in the past, "I hope those who voted Brexit | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
"and who still want to eat British are prepared to go to | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
"Lincolnshire in the winter to pick vegetables." | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
My point was we should celebrate and be very grateful for people | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
coming from other countries within the European Union who do | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
want to pick Brussels sprouts and carrots and potatoes. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Is it reasonable to ask anybody to go to Lincolnshire, though? | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
Well, I'm from Lincolnshire, so that's why I said that. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
Right. Yes. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
A lot of people are worried about farms losing workers from the EU. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:15 | |
To replace them, could we not replace pick your own fruit with... | 0:15:15 | 0:15:20 | |
stun your own calf? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
I think that's a damn stupid suggestion, if I'm honest. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
Strangle your own lamb? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
I think you're just being silly. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
Disembowel your own beaver? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
I don't think so. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
OK, that's a no to all of those. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
I think you're really being a bit of a bourgeois pillock, actually. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
-Sorry? -You're a bourgeois pillock. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Hm. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Before the Brexit vote, a lot of British farm work was | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
done by a dedicated force of EU migrant workers. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
After Brexit, who knows? But I'll tell you one thing. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Rotting fruit, destitute farmers and a hungry nation | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
are a small price to pay | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
for taking back control. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
OK. That's all well and good, Andrew, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:15 | |
but, in the interests of balance, | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
we should say that a lot of farmers have actually praised | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Michael Gove for his work since becoming | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
Secretary of State for Defra, making subsidies fairer, improving | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
soil quality, and delivering a 25-year environmental plan. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
Well, in all those plans, they never mention workers, | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
not in their five-year departmental plan, | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
certainly not in their 25-year environmental plan. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
The soil can be as fit as fuck, Nish, but... | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
..if we can't pull crops out of it, what's the point? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
So, we have actually pressed Gove for a statement, | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
-and we have received one from Defra. -OK, I mean, I'm disappointed | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
you couldn't get an actual interview with Michael Gove. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
Yes, but, fortunately, I look like a young Michael Gove. So... | 0:16:51 | 0:16:55 | |
-..what I'm going to do... Right, here we go. -OK, what are you doing? | 0:16:55 | 0:17:00 | |
This is an actual statement from Michael Gove | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
but I'm not really Michael Gove. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
-Is that clear? -Crystal. -OK. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
"We must think about how to make sure the labour market | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
"works effectively so businesses can continue to secure | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
"a proper return on their investment. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
"And that means not just a flexible migration policy overall but, | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
"as we leave the EU, ensuring access to seasonal, agricultural labour." | 0:17:26 | 0:17:31 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
I mean, we would need to hire a group of migrant workers | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
to pick any detail out of that statement whatsoever. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
-Well, actually, I've been perfectly clear... -Stop being Michael Gove! | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
for the young Michael Gove, Andrew Hunter Murray! | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
The latest headlines. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Man accidentally says "She'd get it," while watching TV with his mum. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
Princess Eugenie wedding memorabilia to be exclusive to Primark. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
And men with extremely loud motorbikes, | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
twats in other ways, too. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
But, first, the Loch Ness Monster, the Bermuda Triangle, | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
Labour's position on Brexit - | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
these are the great mysteries of our age. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
But, finally, Jeremy Corbyn's party has confirmed its Brexit stance, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
which is to say or do something distracting whenever it's mentioned. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:50 | |
Our reporter Nathan Muir caught up with party spokesman Donna Sheridan. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
Half the Labour Party says one thing, | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
the other half says something completely different. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
Are you for or against leaving the single market? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
What... What's that dog doing? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Donald Trump has confirmed his second year in the White House | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
is to be just like the court of Jabba the Hut. Nathan... | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
what are you hearing? | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Well, tonight, | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
US government officials confirmed the President has gone full Jabba, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:24 | |
eating live frogs from a jar, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:25 | |
dressing his daughter in a metal bikini, | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
and making her dance for him. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
-Nathan, is that a little bit weird? -According to Trump, it's not weird. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:35 | |
"She's just a great mover." | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
More from us later. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
The NHS turns 70 this year and, ironically, if it was | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
a 70-year-old, it would currently be putting a huge strain on itself. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
Here's an advert from the year it launched. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
This leaflet is coming through your letterbox one day soon. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
Our plan is a service which will provide the best medical advice and | 0:20:03 | 0:20:08 | |
treatment for everyone, every man, woman, and child in this country. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
It'll cover any medicines you may need, specialist advice, | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
and, of course, hospital treatment, whatever the illness. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
Special care for mothers and children, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
and a lot of other things besides. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
My first thought there is... | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
it's weird to have to watch an advert for that long. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
I don't know if I've been watching too much YouTube but I can't have | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
been the only one thinking, "Where's the skip ad button?" | 0:20:33 | 0:20:37 | |
Sure, I love the NHS, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:38 | |
but I want to see a compilation of cats playing the piano. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
This week, Boris Johnson announced he was going to ask for more | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
money for the NHS in Tuesday's Cabinet meeting, | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
to which Chancellor Philip Hammond responded... | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
"Boris Johnson is the Foreign Secretary." | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
Ho-ho-ho! | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
Looks like Phil's used the winter fuel allowance | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
for one huge, sick burn. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
It does seem like Johnson is articulating the view of a large | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
number of Tory voters, as a YouGov poll showed that 70% of them | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
view the NHS as their biggest concern. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
The poll also showed only 34% of Conservative voters believe | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Jeremy Hunt should have held on to his job | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
in the most recent reshuffle. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
The rumour is that Theresa May had planned to move him | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
to Business and he simply refused. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
And, let me just say this, as someone who's been | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
fired from various jobs, I respect the hell out of Jeremy Hunt. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
I've never had the balls when someone says, "You're fired," | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
to just look them in the eye and say, "No. I want more." | 0:21:35 | 0:21:40 | |
I'm going to remember that when they fire me from this job. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
Not only am I staying at The Mash Report, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
I want Mock The Week as well, | 0:21:46 | 0:21:47 | |
and, guess what, I'm coming for you next, the News! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
Under Hunt and his predecessor Andrew Lansley, | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
the NHS hasn't been getting enough money. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
Funding increases are at an historic low, | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
and social care cuts have put an extra strain on the NHS. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
Inexplicably, some ministers have been trying to defend | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
the government's record, which is hard. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
This is the least defensible record since my album of Disney covers, | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
When You Nish Upon Kumar. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
That is not a Photoshop. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Margot James said the government believes in the NHS, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:33 | |
and the previous week on Question Time, Dominic Raab claimed | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
the government had provided more beds than ever before, | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
a claim which proved to be false. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
And the weird thing about it is that I was on that Question Time. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
I was right there! You lied to me, Dominic! How could you? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
I trusted you, man! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Even though, when I walked into the green room, | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
and this is a true story, you were saying, "Nice to meet you, Nish," | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
to a man who turned out to be Gina Miller's brother. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
Even though the show tweeted photos of all of us | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
the day before so we all knew what each other looked like, | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
you just ignored it, and went up to the first brown guy you saw | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
and assumed he was me, even though he has glasses and no beard! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:17 | |
Look at him! | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
So... We all know what the problem is, right? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
There's not enough money in the NHS but we've been told for the past | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
ten years that there isn't enough money to go into public services. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
In fact, during the general election campaign, | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
Theresa May infamously said to an actual nurse... | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
There isn't a magic money tree that we can shake that suddenly | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
provides for everything that people want. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
Look at her face. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
What Theresa May said there is the worst thing she's ever seen | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
and she is a nurse. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
It's hard to swallow the idea that there isn't enough money, | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
given the Prime Minister managed to find £1 billion to bribe the DUP. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
Also, since 2010, | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
successive governments have managed to find room for tax cuts, | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
costing the public purse billions, both from the tax cut | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
to the top rate of income tax and the cut to corporation tax. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
A policy so bad it was criticised by Deloitte. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
And Deloitte exist to help corporations avoid paying tax. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
It's like Wetherspoon's promoting Dry January. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
But Johnson isn't proposing reversing any of these tax cuts. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
He's claiming the money will come from "a Brexit dividend," | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
a term which he's not clarified. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
Meanwhile, in the year after the Brexit vote, | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
the number of EU nurses applying to join the NHS dropped by 96% | 0:24:35 | 0:24:40 | |
and on Wednesday came the news that doctors from non-EU | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
countries are struggling to get visas to fill urgent vacancies. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:47 | |
In that poll of Tory voters, the number one concern was Brexit | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
but the number three concern was immigration. And that's weird. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
They're worried about the NHS whilst stopping people coming | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
to work for the NHS. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
That's like your number one concern being, "Do people think I'm a twat?" | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
And your number three concern being, | 0:25:02 | 0:25:03 | |
"Where can I get a personalised numberplate that says BON3RKING?" | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
Johnson has no plan and he's just trying to appeal to voters. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
But there is no time for playing politics | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
when people are literally dying in corridors. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
The advert we showed was about selling free health care to people. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
But now we all need to find a way of making it sustainable. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
Perhaps the advert should look more like this. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
We need more fucking money. There is a magic money tree, Prime Minister. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:34 | |
It's called rich people. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:35 | |
So, just grab Richard Branson off his kite board | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
and shake him by the ankles until old people stop dying. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
The NHS - | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
because the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
If you don't have taxes... you've just got death. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
For God's sake. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
Now let's head back over to the Mash newsdesk. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
The latest headlines. Yoga mat enters fifth year behind sofa. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
Unstable friend somehow now a counsellor. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
And lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
But, first, Remain voters are often accused of being elitist | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
or out of touch. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
Now, one man seeks to change this with an anti-Brexit acoustic gig | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
at his local vegan arts cafe in a nice area of London. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
Massage therapist and keen amateur guitarist Stephen Malley will | 0:26:40 | 0:26:44 | |
perform his pro-Europe songs in the basement of Tofu Dove Arts Space, | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
some of which are so deep they may trigger a second referendum. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
I love the EU more than I love anything, except music. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
And we won't have any more music after Brexit, | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
so I've written a song to express my feelings about Europe. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
I think anyone who hears it will want a second vote, you know. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:05 | |
Especially women. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
# 12 gold stars on a field of blue | 0:27:10 | 0:27:16 | |
# Single market and free movement, too | 0:27:16 | 0:27:20 | |
# And I will try... | 0:27:20 | 0:27:24 | |
# To fix EU. # | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
But that's all from us. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:33 | |
Rachel has been taking a look at your e-mails, texts, and tweets | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
-on the story. What have you got for us, Rachel? -Thanks, Nish. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
@SexualEalingCommon has picked up on my piece | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
on apologies from earlier saying... | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
Thank you so much, SexualEalingCommon | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
for that thoughtful rumination on apologies. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
Now, Nish, of course, the apology I was hoping to receive | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
was from your Question Time friend Dominic Raab saying, | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
"Sorry for getting you muddled up with Gina Miller's brother." | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
But I haven't had anything, I'm afraid. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
That's OK, Rachel. I've learnt to accept it. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
Nish, am I allowed to say you're looking more handsome than usual? | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:31 | |
On the dreadful flu that's going around, TrannyMagnet says... | 0:28:33 | 0:28:37 | |
Now, we don't know for sure that TrannyMagnet is a qualified doctor | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
but certainly the advice rings true, | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
so probably just give that a go, don't you think, Nish? | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
-Absolutely not. -Little peaky now. So... | 0:28:53 | 0:28:57 | |
And here's an angry one about the royal weddings | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
coming in from Slack Baddath. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Quite right. Just like the good old days, Slack Baddath. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:15 | |
Sensible, money-saving tip, I say. Back to you, Nish. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:19 | |
Thank you, Rachel Parris! | 0:29:19 | 0:29:20 | |
That's all from The Mash Report this week. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
We'll be back next week for more headlines, news, and analysis. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
I'll leave you with the same words I said to Dominic Raab - | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
I'm Nish Kumar. Good night! | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 |