Episode 3 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Mash Report.

So much to talk about this week.

There's the BBC pay gap.

On Wednesday, Carrie Gracie spoke to a committee of MPs

saying she was very angry about the plight of her female colleagues.

The BBC has been accused of suppressing discussions

about its gender pay gap, but if they think they can keep me quiet,

they've got another thing com...

LONG BEEP

It's an absolute disgrace! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Disgusting!

And that is what happens when you try and silence Kumar!

In other news, on Tuesday night President Donald Trump

gave his State of the Union address.

And to give you an indication of the state of this union,

several invitations were sent out with this spelling error.

Yeah, that's right - "State of the Uniom."

Commentators seem to agree that Trump struck a conciliatory tone.

But that's a conciliatory tone for him.

He still spoke absolute nonsense about immigration.

What they mean is, a grown man spoke for an hour

without using the words "rapists or "shithole."

And then there was his bizarre performance choice.

To protect our citizens of every background,

colour, religion and creed.

Wow. He's clapping himself.

That's the equivalent of me telling a joke and then taking

a step back and saying, "Oh, man, pretty funny stuff!"

Trump also tried to paint himself as the saviour

of the American working-class. He clearly sees himself

as a cross between Bruce Springsteen and the builder out of

the Village People.

Or, basically, anyone in the Village People,

apart from one of the Village People.

The facts don't really match this idea.

In fact, Trump's limited successes in his first year

have almost universally adversely affected the working-class.

What's clear is he cares as much about the working-class

as he does about getting his five-a-day.

He's rolled back legislation protecting workers' safety

and human rights. He's consistently taken stances against

workers' unions, and his historic tax reforms have done nothing

but widen the wealth gap in the US, with some companies using them

as an excuse to lay off thousands of workers.

Trump has proved himself about as friendly to working-class Americans

as a model of the Monopoly man made of asbestos.

So, following this, we've created our own response

to his State of the Union.

"Stop talking ship, you lying notherfunker.

"Love, Nash."

Ho-ho-ho-oh, man!

Pretty funny stuff!

And now let's go over to the Mash News Desk.

APPLAUSE

The latest headlines. As Dry January ends,

boring bastards await further instructions.

Robots not thrilled by idea of working in Sunderland.

And woman goes on mini-break while her husband has a shit.

But first, women have told everyone to just "fuck off."

Tired of being judged for choosing to have children,

or not have children, to have children and go back to work,

to have children and not go back to work,

for being too thin, too fat, too pushy, too unambitious,

too hot, not hot enough, or even for just daring to be alive,

women have stressed that everyone can "go fuck themselves."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nathan Muir has been gauging the reaction,

because apparently a man is the best person to report this story.

If you have a vagina, people have the right to judge you

on every single thing you do, even what you do with your vagina.

Or so it has been up until now.

I spoke to one of womankind, or the Clitarati...

LAUGHTER

..as no-one is calling them, about their backlash.

Enough's enough. The message is clear and the message is,

you're right, we will do as you command.

Just kidding. It's fuck off.

That's all from me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll be back with more later.

Rachel Parris is at the Social Media Wall

-taking your comments and queries. Rachel.

-Oh, thank you.

APPLAUSE

That's right, Nish. Following on from your story earlier

about Trump's State of the Union address,

a lot of people have been e-mailing in about the

Piers Morgan Trump interview.

People are really confused! They're saying that Trump came across

as a really sweet man, and yet normally he comes across

as a semi-literate, divisive, would-be dictator.

"Which one is it, Rachel?"

Well, let me help. This is my quick guide to the difference between

hard-hitting journalism and a celebrity puff piece.

So firstly, Nish, let's look at the staging of the interview.

Now, in a typical, robust political interview,

think something like Frost/Nixon, the two opponents face off

with several metres between them, no furniture blocking their path,

there's nowhere to hide.

Whereas, in the Trump interview, the staging hinted

at a greater intimacy between the two men.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you see the different style of interrogation there, Nish?

Yeah. I mean, not only can I see it, I'm concerned, Rachel,

that I'll never be able to unsee it.

We all feel that way!

So Piers, from the very outset, has his face firmly lodged

inside Trump's petite rectum, allowing him to more easily probe

the President with punchy questions, such as...

..and...

These are things he really said?

Yes, Piers Morgan actually said these things!

To determine whether you're witnessing serious journalism,

a good start is taking a look at the previous work of the journalist.

For example, this is Orla Guerin getting shot at in Libya.

Now, Nish, do you feel that you would trust her to do

proper journalism?

Yeah, I mean, I'd trust her with my life from the looks of that thing.

I feel the same way! And this is John Simpson sitting down

to do an interview with the brutal dictator Colonel Gaddafi.

Now, Nish, does this seem like a sort of lightweight puff piece?

Yeah. I mean, Gaddafi looks worryingly like me from behind.

I didn't like to say.

And then, on the other hand, this is Piers Morgan sat on a peach sofa

demanding to know - is your baby a bigot?

It's real.

Piers failed to challenge some of Trump's slightly wild assertions.

For instance, his statement that...

And they are, in a way.

They're the smallest they've ever been.

Perhaps that's what Piers thought he meant and that's why

he didn't challenge it.

Let's say that.

However, Piers really should have challenged Trump's assertion

that he has...

Now, Nish, I hate to be a Facty Frances about it,

but seeing as Trump is working to reduce access to family planning

in both the US and the developing world, I think Piers

could have afforded to show just a hint more scepticism.

Maybe something like this...

But give Trump his due, in the interview he declared

that he wasn't a feminist and, to be fair,

he definitely isn't.

So that shows real integrity, doesn't it, Nish?

Yeah, I mean, it's nice to hear him tell the truth for once in his life.

Exactly, that's my point!

From here, Piers was able to speak for all of Britain

and actually thank Trump for apologising for retweeting

racist videos.

Nish, I loved it when Piers spoke for all of Britain, didn't you?

I can't think of anything I hated more.

You're right, I agree. He's an everyman, Nish,

he represents us all. He's me, except he's a man.

He's you, except he's white.

He's everyone, except he's not and he's worse.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, no, it's not exactly the scrutiny you might hope

a Nazi-backing leader of the free world might receive, Nish,

but I'm sure we can all agree - so much more fun.

Thank you, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This week, Spiked, an online magazine, announced their annual

free speech university rankings.

These tables reveal to what extent free speech is being censored

on university campuses.

The figures show 94% are restrictive when it comes to free speech.

Universities have been introducing trigger warnings

before sensitive material, safe spaces where people can go

without fear of hearing anything offensive,

and have no platformed or even disinvited particular speakers

from campus, including activists like Germaine Greer

and Peter Tatchell.

So, are university students shutting themselves off

from valuable debate? Who better to take on this delicate subject

than the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you. Very kind.

Thank you.

So, Geoff, you've been looking at free speech on university campuses.

That's right. I've got my own VT.

Now, I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're not going into this

-as a fan of safe spaces?

-Mate, I'm going into this open-minded.

-Great.

-Yeah, open-minded as to just how right I already am.

-OK.

It's been interesting, mate, doing this VT, getting out there,

you know, talking to people, talking to different people,

thinking about things. It's really opened my eyes, actually.

That's great, Geoff. So you sort of broadened your horizons?

No, no, it's opened my eyes as to just how much work goes into

-those reports on The One Show.

-Right.

-I think...

I think the main thing this VT has given me is new-found respect

for Phil Tuffnell.

When I think of university, I think of expanding the mind,

whether through research and lectures or a shit tonne of drugs.

But all of this is being threatened right now by the campus culture

of so-called safe spaces.

Universities are increasingly taking it as their duty

to protect students from dangerous thoughts, words and ideas.

Young people now aren't so much raging against the machine

as going, "Oh, machine, please protect me from scary words,"

like libtard. When did we become a society that was so afraid

of insults? I mean, if you can't handle being offended,

you're not going to go very far in the real world.

The way I see it is you've got to be resilient because...

-Mind where you're going.

-Fat wanker.

LAUGHTER

-Smelly prick.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, well, anyway. I sat down with Ella Whelan,

a journalist and governor

for the Down With Campus Censorship! campaign.

When did this issue first raise its head?

It's been happening for quite a long time, right from kind of

the '80s and the '90s, and now it's reached its crazy point

where we're banning sombreros, fancy dress,

-jokes, songs, speakers, books.

-Yeah.

But it has been brewing for a long time.

I've heard some safe spaces ban clapping.

I mean, who would be offended by clapping?

Well, so instead of clapping, you're meant to agree,

disagree or not sure, and that's because the sound of clapping

apparently can trigger people with nervous dispositions.

What about people with Parkinson's who think that you're

taking the piss?

I wouldn't know.

So are you personally unoffendable?

There must be something I could say that would give you the raging hump.

No. So this is the whole point - I can be offended and I can feel

upset and angry and hate you, but what I can't do is stop you

from saying it. That's the difference between taking offence

and being censorious on the basis of that.

So you would defend my right to say that, you know, people on benefits

-are

-BLEEP,

-who if I see them, I would

-BLEEP

-them in the

-BLEEP,

-and then

-BLEEP

-them with a muffin?

-Should I be able to say that?

-Yes.

You might not be a very nice person for saying it,

but you should be allowed to say it.

OK, wicked. Yeah, thanks.

With the problem seeming worse than I first thought,

there was only one place to go - the pub, where I met with

free speech advocate Peter Tatchell.

So it seems like censorship has gone crazy on campus.

Is that a fair reflection of what's happening?

I think it's a bit exaggerated, but it's the National Union of Students'

policy to ban speakers from six extremist organisations.

The problem is that some student unions have interpreted

the no platform policy more widely.

How is this affecting education? I mean, aren't we just breeding

a generation of snivelling little bell ends?

I think it's reasonable that students should have protection

against victimisation. I don't think they should have protection

against ideas that they find disagreeable or even offensive.

You know, some of the most important ideas in human history

have caused great offence.

So you talk about causing offence.

If I was going to use the word "dickhead",

do I need to issue a warning saying, "Heads up, guys,

I'm going to call someone a dickhead"?

Well, it's probably not the right word to use at all, full stop,

in a civilised conversation.

But if you are going to use it, then of course it's probably best to

say, "I'm going to use some bad language, be warned."

I agree, it's not that great a swear word.

I mean, I've got loads better ones than that.

I'm sure you have.

Cock Womble.

What is a cock Womble?

It's a penis that clears up after itself.

Cock Wombles aside, it was starting to feel like

you can't say nothing no more.

It was time to go into the belly of the beast to see if I could

toughen up these student snowflakes.

You lot, your generation, you've had pretty cushy lives, right?

But all we ever hear about is you're no platforming people,

taking offence and worrying about where people are going to piss.

Now, I'm here to get you out of your safe spaces and into the real world.

I get offended all the time, like on Twitter. Let's just have a look.

-"Geoff Norcott is a greasy

-BLEEP

-Conservative."

"Xenophobe, the Warrior Prickcess."

That's good, that's good.

"Fat LeBlanc."

Anyone want to leave? What about you, ginger beard?

Is that too much for you? Cos you could go, you could go

whenever you want. The door is over there.

Look at your fucking eyebrows, mate.

Looks like two slugs are guarding your forehead.

All right, fair enough, I'm impressed.

So, to my surprise, they'd actually taken my insults pretty well.

But what would these rucksack fucks be like at dishing it out?

Go on, insult me.

Where did you pick that outfit, General White Man Emporium?

Yeah, whatever. What about you? You got anything?

-You're like the Daily Mail's wet dream.

-Not bad.

Anybody else want to have a pop?

Sorry, I do actually have one.

When it rains in Wimbledon, do they use your forehead

to cover the main court?

So, it turns out 95% of students aren't that easily offended

and generally don't give a shit.

But the problem is, the 5% that do are the sort of lily-livered types

that will seek out jobs of genuine influence...

..or end up working for The Guardian.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

-Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Now let's get the latest headlines from the Mash News Desk.

The latest headlines. Man who says "Correct me if I'm wrong..."

has no intention of being corrected.

Meghan Markle to break with royal protocol

and keep her personality after marriage.

And man says "bosh" after completing even the most basic task.

But first, the BBC has responded to criticism over its gender pay gap,

saying it could pay women more if you bastards weren't all

watching Netflix.

The corporation said female talent would have more money

if you just pay your licence fee instead of watching American drivel

about superheroes, women's prisons and a weirdly attractive

version of the royal family.

iPlayer's got a really cool website where you can browse

all our boxsets that kids today love so much.

And we've got loads of thrillers that really tear the arse

out of stories over too many episodes, just like Netflix.

What more do you want?

-Is David Attenborough on Netflix?

-Yeah.

Duplicitous old bastard!

Rich and good-looking people have been told to stop saying

how sodding lucky they are.

With fake humility experiencing a 708% uptake since 2004,

people with enviable lives have been told to stop being grateful

because it makes them just far more despicable.

We are so lucky to have 12 types of quality soap in our four large,

well-lit bathrooms. But our large portfolio of coastal property

is nothing to do with us being amazing.

We don't think we're amazing, we're just...

-We're just very lucky, aren't we?

-We are so lucky, aren't we?

I mean, I just don't think we deserve it, really.

-I think I deserve it less than you.

-No, no, no!

I deserve it less than you because I'm so lucky to have you,

-because you're so amazing.

-Don't say I'm amazing!

You're incredible. And the kids are so happy and healthy.

Their hair is so thick.

-We're very lucky.

-Very lucky.

We're joined by Professor Henry Brewbaker at

the Institute for Studies.

Professor Brewbaker, if they're not lucky then what are they?

They're arseholes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

More from us later.

Theresa May has been warned by hardline Brexiters

in her party to clarify her Brexit position

or face a no-confidence vote.

Feels like a long time ago since May's Lancaster House speech,

when, despite having campaigned for Remain,

she came out in favour of a Brexit so aggressive,

Cafe Rouge would have to become Jeff's Red Caf.

But tonight, I'm going to have a look at how all Leave campaigners

have done is complain about the status of Brexit negotiations,

but all they've offered in response is uncertainty and contradiction -

two of Calvin Klein's more disappointing fragrances.

It's hard to know what they want a post-Brexit Britain to look like.

In the years leading up to the referendum, Nigel Farage

posited Norway as an example to aspire to from outside the EU.

I have to say that everybody from David Cameron to half this panel

say, "Wouldn't it be terrible if we were like Norway and Switzerland?"

Really? They're rich, they're happy, they're self-governing.

HE COUGHS: They're white.

Sorry, I had something in my throat.

As I was saying, they're white.

Norway's predominantly white, but I'm sure that has nothing

to do with it. But he changed his position in February of 2016,

presumably because Norway's trade deal means they have to be part

of the Schengen Area, meaning that they accept freedom of movement,

which Farage in particular clearly doesn't want.

To be fair to Nigel, he wasn't to know.

Norway buried this information deep in paragraph four

of its Wikipedia page!

Damn those sneaky Vikings.

Another prominent Leave campaigner, Daniel Hannan, who'd also

been pro the Norway model, now argues that we want to have

access to the single market but not be a member of it, like Canada,

echoing Brexit Minister's David Davis' suggestion

that what the UK is looking for is a "Canada plus, plus, plus" deal,

which doesn't sound so much like a trade deal as a channel that shows

what happened in Canada three hours ago.

Negotiations for that deal took seven years, so does that mean

we're going to negotiate for that long?!

Seven years is ages!

Seven years ago, the phrase "I think Louis C.K. is the new Bill Cosby"

had a completely different meaning!

Now, we leave in March 2019, and even if it takes us half the time

it took Canada to negotiate a deal with the EU,

what happens in that period?

We can accept a transition during the negotiations,

where we continue to be governed by EU law.

But that has been deemed unacceptable by Brexiters,

like Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Truly the Laurel and Hardy of white male privilege.

APPLAUSE

So we've really got no idea what the hardline Leavers' vision

is for post-Brexit Britain.

This week, we did see a version which made for unpleasant reading.

BuzzFeed obtained documents from the Department for Exiting the EU,

which suggests that every version of Brexit would leave

the country poorer.

You've got to hand it to BuzzFeed,

you can go there for incredible investigate journalism

and figure out which Sex In The City character you are.

Obviously Miranda.

There's not even any doubt that I'm Miranda. Anyway!

This study has been dismissed outright by Leave campaigners

with no alternative provided, with one exception -

Jacob Rees-Mogg took time out from refusing Oliver Twist

second helpings to appear on Sky News and point to a study

by Patrick Minford from Cardiff University.

Minford has modelled a trade deal with the EU which he claims

will increase Britain's GDP post-Brexit.

But an analysis of this plan shows it will increase wage inequality

and lead to what Minford describes as

"the elimination of UK manufacturing."

Now, this is a problem for two reasons.

One, it directly contradicts Boris Johnson's vision

for a liberal Brexit where everyone will be decently paid.

And two, it's the elimination of UK manufacturing!

How can that be a good thing when it's basically what every character

is fighting against in all feel-good British movies?!

What Minford is basically saying is, "Hey, Billy Elliot's dad,

"you better hope your kid makes it as a dancer

"cos you've got no future. And as for you, chaps from the Full Monty,

"strip all you like, you can't waggle your dick at progress."

Instead of solutions, all that's on offer

is uncertainty and contradiction.

So my question is this -

why do hardline Brexiters have no idea what Brexit

is going to look like?

Daniel Hannan is supposed to have worked on this for 17 years.

Nigel Farage was one of the founders of UKIP 25 years ago!

Why in all of that time has no-one come up with a model

better than "Canada plus, plus, plus,"

or "Norway minus, minus, minus"?

I'm just saying, if you devote a quarter of a century to something,

you better have a plan for every scenario.

Hell, I'd expect them to have a plan for what happens if France

kidnaps Adele!

So without a clear direction about what the country's supposed to

look like after Brexit, we're only left with two options -

some version of a second referendum which, given how brutal the

first one was, I'm not even sure that I want, and I'm,

to quote my Twitter feed, "a Brexit bashing croissant fucker."

That is not a Photoshop, I love a French pastry.

If we don't go with that, then we end up with a Brexit no-one wants -

not hard enough for the hardliners, not soft enough for everyone else.

And you know what...

maybe that's the Brexit that deep down we truly crave.

Think about it.

If you want to truly reflect the values of this nation

and its people, you need to give us a Brexit everyone complains about

but puts up with anyway.

Basically, the Coldplay of Brexit.

MUSIC: Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Let's reunite the nation by giving us change that's really just

a miserable compromise.

And what's in this depressing caravan holiday of a Brexit?

Well, examples of this - out of the single market,

but we always have to host Eurovision.

Blue passports, but they're A3, it's uncomfortable, you can't fit

them anywhere!

Freedom of movement, but only on weekends.

Take that, all roads in Kent!

We get 350 million quid a week for the NHS,

but it's all in loose change!

Investment bankers remain in London, but on the other hand,

investment bankers remain in London!

It's not the Brexit we want, it's the Brexit we deserve.

Thank you and God save the Queen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You see?

Do you hear that, Theresa? That is the will of the people.

Now it's time for an update from the Mash News Desk.

The closing headlines.

Men who read aloud getting paid more than women who read aloud,

and they both get more than you.

Taylor Swift fan's mind blown after hearing real music.

And woman forgot to eat her lunch,

but remembers to tell everyone about it.

But first, the Tory party has been told

it must unite for the greater good,

despite consisting entirely of self-serving bastards.

Senior Tories have agreed to stop the infighting, like parents

staying together for the kids although they hate each others' guts

since Mum shagged Colin from work.

It's about the country and the party as a whole.

You know, the Cabinet really are a very talented bunch of people.

You know, and not just a load of bastards I'd gladly run over

with a tractor.

Especially Theresa, I mean, she is...

..good.

A woman who greets northerners by saying "ey up" thinks they like it.

Mary Fisher from Kent believes putting on a Yorkshire accent amuses

her northern workmates and makes them feel at home.

When they first arrive at the firm, the northerners always look

a bit shy, so I say, "Ey heck, cup of tea, love?"

I'm like an ambassador from the south.

I actually have an uncle from Peterborough,

so I am part northern person.

"T'mill's on fire!"

And if you are a northerner who's sick of being patronised,

visit the BBC northernperson.com website for tips, advice

and lovely pictures of ferrets.

That's all from us.

Let's get a quick update from Rachel at the Social Media Wall.

Thank you, Nish.

The Venga Bus Is Coming has sent in a very interesting tweet

about Wiki, the killer whale who's learnt to talk this week.

He says...

Jimmy Chunks picks up on the story about walk-on girls being banned

from darts matches. He says...

Jason SteakHam says...

Yes, well, perhaps we still have a little way to go.

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

That's all from us this week.

Join us again next week on The Mash Report.

I'm Mish Kumar, goodmight!