With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.
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This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to The Mash Report.
What a week it's been.
Let's start with Donald Trump who, this week,
tweeted a condemnation of the NHS.
He said people were marching in the UK
because the NHS was going broke and not working.
That's not why they were marching.
They were marching in support of the NHS.
An American condemnation of the NHS is hard to swallow,
given the American government spends a higher percentage of its GDP
on health care than the UK,
and the NHS covers the entire population,
while over 28 million US citizens
are left without health care coverage.
Health care is essentially like Russell Brand
in that as bad as it is here, it's even worse in America.
Even more bizarrely, Jeremy Hunt responded. He said...
So, just to summarise, this is Jeremy Hunt siding with the people
who were protesting against Jeremy Hunt.
He's basically speaking in defence of people
who spell his surname with a C.
I'm definitely going to get tweets tomorrow that just say,
Listen, when it comes to Trump tweeting about the NHS,
you only have to ask the only question
every sane person has been asking every day
since Trump became president -
Well, it could have something to do with Nigel Farage
who was on Fox News on Monday talking about the NHS.
Bear in mind, this is Nigel Farage
who used to constantly complain about this.
You think you're going to be able to easily and freely...
Why are you talking us down, Phil?
-Why are you being so negative about us?
Why are you being so negative about us?
I'm personally getting pretty tired of people talking down
the United Kingdom, people talking down the City of London.
So it might come as a bit of a surprise to see him go on Fox News
to, you guessed it, talk Britain down.
The problem is, you know, we just haven't got enough hospitals,
we haven't got enough doctors, we haven't got enough facilities.
That's one problem we've got.
Another big problem we've got is that the National Health Service
has kind of moved into becoming the international health service.
Oh, the hypocrisy, Nigel.
After years of complaining about job-stealing foreigners,
there he is on Fox News nicking the job of an ordinary, decent,
hard-working American bigot.
All we're asking for is consistency, Nigel.
American jobs for American arseholes.
In the UK, Theresa May has come under pressure from a group
nicknamed the Brexit "dream team".
Now this dream team is Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg
and Boris Johnson, which is not so much a game
of Snog, Marry, Avoid as it is a game
of Avoid, Avoid, Restraining Order.
The group are apparently manoeuvring for power
if May decides the UK will remain in the Customs Union after Brexit.
By the way, these cool names for hard Brexit supporters need to stop.
The "dream team" just sounds like a troupe of male strippers.
No-one's happy about it.
I'm stood in front of it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.
But if they have to have a nickname, I have some suggestions.
The Three Horsemen of the Brex-pocalypse.
Goldilocks and the Two Squares.
The Three Egos.
Or, my favourite, Three Bellends Outside Ebbing, Missouri.
Now over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.
The latest headlines:
New Brexit report finds not trading with people may affect trade.
Winter Olympic organisers admit concern over North Korean bobsleigh.
And Big Mac celebrates 50th birthday
that Big Mac fans will never live to see.
But first, experts believe Jeremy Corbyn's fans
are the first example of a personality cult
devoted to someone with no personality.
Despite the Labour Party organising a new Corbyn-themed music festival,
experts are still unable to identify a single thing about him
that's not mind-numbingly tedious.
Professor Henry Brewbaker, you join us now.
Can you explain this sort of phenomenon of cultish devotion
to a man most accurately described as a nice old man?
Ordinarily we'd associate personality cults with powerful,
charismatic figures like Mussolini,
but with Corbyn, we're talking about someone
who looks like a divorced humanities teacher
and probably collects interesting pebbles from his allotment.
So just what do Labour supporters find
so fascinating about their leader?
Earlier we interviewed Michael Shaw from Momentum.
There are loads of things that make Jeremy so charismatic.
My dad hates him. Also...there's...
You know... Really he's... Actually, yes, he is quite boring, isn't he?
He had to find out some time.
This week in Prime Minister's Questions,
Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's record on policing.
With the highest rise in crime in a quarter of a century
and police numbers being slashed, the Labour leader pointed out that
chief constables are now saying they no longer have the
resources to keep communities safe. It's pretty damning.
The Home Office has defended their record by pointing to
their announcement in December of a potential £450 million
funding boost for the police.
So will this increase make a difference?
To talk about the government's announcement,
please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Andrew, talk us through this announcement - a £450 million
funding boost for the police, I mean, to me, this sounds good.
Well, it's not really real money.
Most of it comes from a prospective increase in council tax bills
-which some councils may not even choose to enact.
Well, at least it will bring an end to all the cut backs.
I'm afraid not, because despite that,
the police are being asked to make a further £100 million
of efficiency savings in spite of already being cut to the bone.
-Well, how are they going to do that?
-Don't worry, Nish.
I had a think, I came up with some ideas to save money,
and I have already pitched them to an actual policeman.
In December, the government announced
a potential £450 million funding boost for the police,
but after years of savage funding cuts, with officer numbers falling
and violent crime rising,
the reaction among British bobbies was unfavourable.
Why are these hard-working, dedicated, greedy,
complaining public servants so bloody ungrateful?
In November, Home Secretary Amber Rudd told police bosses
to stop asking for more money.
In December, the Home Office offered police more money.
Would you describe yourself as extremely happy?
No. There's £450 million that's been announced.
-No, it isn't.
Not when they've taken £400 million from the Met alone
and there's £450 million for the entire country.
And £270 million of that is if police and crime commissioners
manage to persuade people to put extra on their council tax.
The government has asked that in return for this extra funding
the police will increase productivity
and continue to make efficiency savings. I have some suggestions...
-..for saving money.
Just tell me what you think.
At the moment, police officers only get their pension when they turn 60.
Yeah, tell me about it.
But they are still quite expensive.
What if we raised the retirement age to 100?
Would you like to see police officers aged 100 chasing
robbers down the street or jumping over, vaulting over back gardens?
That's not really going to work, is it?
-I would like to see that.
-You might want to see it,
but it wouldn't be particularly efficient, would it?
Wouldn't the elderly make perfect police officers?
They're naturally racist, they would be great on long stakeouts.
A lot of them don't even leave their seat to go to the toilet.
You're sort of assuming there that police officers are racist,
and that's not the case at all.
-You're assuming that they sit around for long periods doing nothing.
That's not the case at all.
Could police stations diversify in order to raise revenue,
carry out other functions?
If I was able to come into a station, give a statement,
say I've been mugged,
and then order some dough balls,
I might be interested.
So you think people who have just gone through the distressing crime
of being mugged are going to fancy a bit of a romantic meal
-and a glass of wine.
-It's what I would want.
My daughter's just been kidnapped, and I'll have a Sloppy Giuseppe.
Where is this coming from?
My wife's dead. Garlic bread.
No, it's just ridiculous.
After all the cuts, the Met has released a list of crimes
that they will not be able to investigate including,
for example, thefts worth less than £50.
Right, so, for example, is your jumper worth less than £50?
Yeah, a lot less.
-Right, what if I tried to take it off you now?
-I'd punch you.
-Section three, Criminal Law Act...
-I don't know what that is.
-Reasonable force to prevent a crime happening.
Let's press on.
Do you think any of my suggestions would work?
You haven't thought about this at all, have you?
You've not researched it,
you've not thought about what the police are for,
you've not thought about how they fit in the community.
You've just come up with some random ideas to save money.
-To be honest, you're a total
You've got no idea at all.
-Is he allowed to say
How do you think that went?
I did not get punched, Nish. I didn't get punched.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!
So, let's talk about democracy.
Brexit and the Trump presidency are both political movements
that succeeded on the basis of returning power to ordinary people,
but let's take a look at how the actions of both Brexit leaders
and Trump are compromising democracy and doing the opposite.
Donald Trump continued his criticisms of the FBI
and their ongoing investigation into possible Russian collusion.
Given his comments about the NHS, it seemed there's only one three-letter
acronym-based organisation that he's reluctant to criticise.
The good news is that now Piers Morgan has not spent this
week kissing his arse, the President is free to resume talking out of it.
Don't clap that, he's definitely going to tweet us.
On Monday, he discussed how the Democrats reacted
to his State Of The Union speech.
You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild.
They loved everything, they want to do something great for our country.
You have the other side, even on positive news,
really positive news like that, they were like death.
And un-American. Un-American. Somebody said treasonous.
I mean, yeah, I guess, why not?
Can we call that treason? Why not?
"Yeah, why not?"
is not how you answer the question, "Is that treason?"!
Secondly, I had no idea that people not applauding you
In that case, the audience at my 2015 tour show in Reading
would have been in a lot of trouble.
Trump's attacks have no basis in fact,
so this is the President attacking a politically independent
law enforcement agency just because they're investigating him.
He's also demanding that his opponents applaud him
or face charges of treason.
He's like Joseph Stalin but with fewer connections to Russ... Sorry.
He's like Joseph Stalin.
That picture is a little piece I call, "Bang goes the US visa."
This week, Jacob Rees-Mogg repeatedly stated that
Treasury civil servants had been fiddling the figures on Brexit
and that it was politically motivated, which is very serious,
because civil servants are supposed to be
neither political nor motivated.
But, in actual fact, in actual fact,
the Treasury's figures are broadly optimistic.
They represent a Brexit where we immediately get a trade deal with
the US and keep dozens of the EU's current trade agreements
at the same time as loosening EU regulations.
If these predictions were more optimistic,
they would include all of the home nations simultaneously
winning the World Cup, us getting the Olympics again
and Princess Diana revealing the whole thing was a big prank.
What are you oohing that for?
Is that not something you want?!
Is that treason? Sure, why not?
This is part of a wider pattern of hard Brexiters
making wild accusations.
These are just attempts to undermine people's trust
in the checks and balances built into our democracy.
On top of that, it was revealed that a secret
hard-Brexit lobbying group of MPs,
the European Research Group, has been operating
within the Conservative Party for some years,
currently headed up by Jacob Rees-Mogg
and funded with money from its members' expense claims.
The Times described the ERG as the most powerful opposition force
in British politics, which I've got to say does seem
pretty insulting to the Labour Party.
It's like when Romesh Ranganathan is described
as the nation's premier British Asian comedian by MY mother.
On Wednesday... You all laughed too hard at that.
All of you are treason!
This is all treason!
On Wednesday, the Guardian showed the extent of the ERG's influence,
highlighting how a speech made by Rees-Mogg a fortnight ago
contained elements that have now been adopted as government policy.
So this taxpayer-funded organisation is incredibly influential,
which is unsurprising as it has a private membership of at least 35,
meaning it represents a substantial voting block in the Tory party.
They co-ordinate attacks on fellow MPs via a WhatsApp group
and they are almost functioning as a government within a government.
The reason I say at least 35
is because its exact membership numbers remain a secret.
The only thing we know for sure is that its figurehead
is Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man so cartoonishly elitist
the only way he makes sense is if it's suddenly revealed
that he was being played by Sacha Baron Cohen the entire time.
By the way, the only reason we know he's not
is because he was interviewed by Ali G in 1999.
Look at him there. Look at him.
So, just to summarise, that's a secret group influencing
government policy behind closed doors with absolutely no scrutiny.
So, why so sneaky, people's champions?
Well, perhaps because the model advocated by Rees-Mogg of Brexit
is to turn Britain into a low-tax, low-regulation economy.
It's based on the research of a group called
the Economists For Free Trade
and it's predicated on massive tax cuts,
something that is presumably of interest to Brexiters
such as Aaron Banks and Jacob Rees-Mogg, who were all
revealed to have offshore holdings in the Paradise Papers.
It's hard to take Rees-Mogg's claim that he is fighting for the poorest
in society seriously when all the while he is basically trying to
turn the whole country into Monaco but with shit weather and a Gregg's.
Brexit and Trump both campaigned on returning power to the people,
but their actions serve to consolidate power in the hands
of an unaccountable political elite.
But that is a harder sell.
If they'd campaigned honestly,
things would have looked a lot different.
The Brexit bus would have just said...
Instead of "Make America great again",
the cap would have just read,
"A black guy made fun of me and so I decided to become the most
"famous person in the world out of racist spite",
which doesn't really fit on the cap.
In fact, the only hat it fits on is, ironically, a sombrero.
Let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.
The latest headlines:
As his wife goes to watch 50 Shades sequel,
husband stays in to watch proper porn.
Grandmother just doing whatever the fuck she wants.
And scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes.
But first, the middle class shoppers who switched to
shopping at Lidl are wondering if they can switch back soon.
In recent years, millions of cash-strapped Sainsbury's or
even Waitrose shoppers have had to lower themselves
into the nether world of discount supermarkets
with short but hard-to-pronounce names,
and now they want out.
It was a bit of an adventure at first, you know,
like travelling to a parallel world where we lost the war
and all the chocolate bars have German names.
You've got fisherman's waders and camping stoves,
and what-have-you, racked up next to the peanut butter.
I mean, it was so funny.
But not any more.
Can someone please give me a well-paid job?
I can't have another fucking stroopwafel.
That's all from us.
Thank you, news desk.
Now, for a robust insight into what's going on over the Atlantic,
please welcome our US correspondent, Desiree Burch.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
-What's piqued your interest particularly
from the States this week?
Well, last week
our president used part of his long-ass State Of The Union address
to criticise black NFL players for kneeling
during the national anthem, which is a protest against police brutality.
Plus there's the government shutdown over child immigrants,
and Trump calling African nations shitholes.
I mean, it feels like this has been a pretty rough, what, 15-16 months?
More like 300-400 years.
-Oh... You're talking about...
-Slavery, Nish. Slavery.
It's always slavery, man.
I mean, pretty much any time a black person is angry,
you can guarantee slavery is behind it.
We'll pretend it's something else,
like when McDonald's takes the McRib off the menu,
or when one of our work colleagues asked us where we can buy weed.
-But pretty much always slavery.
Since Donald Trump was elected,
America's become a much more racially divided place.
What can we do, Desiree, to unite it?
Oh, easy, Nish. We don't.
-Wait, you don't want to unite America?
We need to take the country back to the civil war
and make sure the South wins that war
and split America into two separate countries.
Trump and all the racists can have their own country
called South America.
-Desiree, there's already a place called South America.
Anyway, if the South had won the war, slavery would still be a thing.
Surely you've got to agree that it's better that slavery's over?
But is it over, Nish? Is it?
I mean, I'm guessing from your tone that the answer is no.
-But what do you mean?
Well, during slavery, black people were considered property.
Then Abe Lincoln came along and said, "Actually, people are people."
-Everything was nice for, like, 25 minutes.
But then white people got all mad because not only had their property
been taken away, but now they had to treat that property as equals?
It's basically like the government decided to ban the eating of meat,
and then took everybody's cows away.
Then the next day, when you go into work,
you're sitting next to a fucking cow.
You're all like, "Well, how come they can say moo
"but I can't say moo?
"I mean, it's in all their music and they're all like, 'Moo, what?!'
"And like, 'Moo, please. I wish a moo would.' "
You know what I mean?
I have literally no idea what you mean.
What I am saying is you can't say slavery is over
but then just keep all the racists around and then expect them
to just get with the programme,
so why not just give them their own country and they can be
as racist as they like because there will be no black people around?
So they can finally go, "Is it just us?
-"All right, fuck those moo cows!"
I understand your point, but surely it's better to educate people
and encourage them to live with people of a different race from them
and build a society that's rooted in tolerance?
Yeah, we tried that, Nish, and it didn't work.
All right? Look what happened after slavery.
Black people were like, "OK, so this is all new.
"I guess we'll just take it one day at a time."
White people were like, "I can't. I'm sorry. I tried, I can't.
"I can't do it. I can't.
So, you know, they didn't want to live side-by-side with black people,
so they created Jim Crow laws to keep us separated
and economic conditions to keep us from owning land
and joining the competitive labour market. You know what?
Let me put this another way.
I feel like this is going to be about cows again.
-They didn't want to share water fountains with cows.
-There it is.
They didn't want their kids going to school with cows,
and they made all the cows go and sit at the back of the bus.
Do you know how hard it is for a cow to get to the back of a moving bus?
OK. I'm starting to get this now.
You're saying that because all the racists
will be in their own country there'll be no segregation, right?
Of course there's going to be segregation, Nish.
Racists be racists, you know how they do.
The thing is, they're just going to make slaves out of,
I don't know, poor white people.
-It'll be like Plymouth, you know?
But, you know, with people working, right?
Then maybe finally they will actually have a problem with slavery
because all the slaves will be white guys called David.
It'll be like 12 Years A Dave.
But the fact remains that slavery has been abolished,
and so surely society has moved on.
I mean, America, you had your first black president.
I know, and black people were so excited about that.
It was like the OJ verdict, except with 100% fewer dead white people.
But then look at what happened -
as a direct result of Obama, we got Trump.
Every time you get rid of something that oppresses black people,
racists put something else right back in its place.
It's a very covert suppression of our rights.
But there have been some positives.
As you say, there have been NFL players feeling empowered enough
to take the knee in protest against young black people
being shot by the police.
Oh, yes, NFL players.
You mean strong black men working on a field,
making money for their white owners?
Yeah, that's right. Come on, Nish.
I mean, the New York Giants are about a harmonica
and two Blues songs away from being actual slaves.
Of course, the shooting of black people goes on.
Yes. But, remember,
if you actually manage to escape getting
shot by Officer Itchy-Finger,
you could still find yourself in a prison system that
incarcerates five times as many black people as white people,
so if you let racists have the South free from black people,
they won't need to lock us up and get rid of us,
because all us moos will be kicking it in good America,
drinking soya lattes with President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
You know what, Desiree?
You have actually convinced me.
I think separating the union is a good idea.
-What's wrong with you, Nish? It's a terrible idea.
I was just trying to make a point about slavery.
Why are you trying to bring slavery back, Nish?
Oh, God... No!
What I'm saying is had the South won the war,
America would have had to recognise
and deal with the racism that grew and flourished after the civil war.
By understanding it,
we might not have elected a dumb racist like Donald Trump.
So all we can do now is work together
to fight systemic oppression for all people of colour
and fight for empathy, equality and understanding
and, most importantly, fight to get a goddamn McRib
back on a McDonald's menu.
Ladies and gentlemen, Desiree Burch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This week marks the centenary of women's suffrage,
and Rachel is over at the social media wall
to talk about this historic moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Nish.
Yes, it's 100 years this week
since the first women were granted the right to vote.
That's right, women have been allowed to vote
for almost the lifespan of a fairly old tortoise.
I want to take this opportunity to consider how far we've come.
Well, back in 1918, a lot of nervous Normans in the media were
panicking about the suffragette movement.
Look at this poor man, holding a baby while his wife
prances around in a hat, high on gin, and voting everywhere.
It was felt back then that women gaining equality meant a war on men.
But the ultimate creeping fear was encapsulated in one question -
what will men wear when women wear trousers?
Obviously people were very concerned that there was a finite
number of trousers in the world in 1918
and that's why women shouldn't get the vote.
If women started wearing them, some poor gents would have to go without.
But, of course, everyone now accepts that women achieving equality
doesn't mean men have to lose out, isn't that right, Nish?
Absolutely. Gender equality, it's great.
Unbelievable naivety from Nish there.
These headlines are from now.
Some sections of the media are pushing the same agenda today
as they were in 1918.
Suzanne Venker on Fox News claims that feminism is a war on men.
That's right, Nish, we're at war, you and I...
I am so bad at fighting that even that scared me.
Although you're a feminist and a man. Whaaa? What a world!
Should you punch yourself in the face?
Do you want me to punch myself in the face?
Sarah Vine in the Mail,
referring to the outrage over the President's Club grope fest,
also refers to this madness of the war on men.
Now, perhaps calling it a war sounds a little bit inflammatory,
but clearly for some millionaires, not being allowed to fondle
a young woman over dinner is a lot like the Somme.
I suppose, really, it's a question of women being shown respect
and not employed as sex objects.
"But it was a charity event", I hear you cry.
How can men be expected to know when to donate to charity
without the universal signal of a woman's arse in their hand?
I don't know. Nish, any idea?
I mean, I normally just do it when there's a person
-with a bucket and change. LAUGHING:
The truth is equality for women doesn't mean less equality for men.
There'll be plenty of trousers for all.
Long trousers, short trousers,
the old posh man-type red trousers that Nish wears on weekends.
Those were a gift, OK?
Finally, as we've seen,
the attacks on the fight for gender equality continue, much as
they did in 1918, but tonight we are celebrating an historic achievement,
so let's finish on a positive.
Well, firstly, CNN has declared 2018 to be "the year of women". Yay!
We've won the year.
It only took 2,018 attempts against only one opponent.
Ah, it seems like giving birth to literally everyone
since the dawn of time has finally paid off.
Doritos have suggested creating a bag of crisps for women
that are quieter, less smelly and smaller for our tiny faces.
I once tried to eat a crisp, Nish, and it was so loud, I wet myself.
This sort of thing happens to women all the time.
Just remember, it's your trousers we're weeing in.
-Back to you, Nish.
-Thank you, Rachel Parris.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's all for tonight's show.
Rachel, seeing as it's 100 years since women's suffrage,
in the spirit of gender equality, would you like to say goodnight?
OK, great. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.