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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:19 | 0:00:23 | |
Hello and welcome to The Mash Report. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
What a week it's been. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Let's start with Donald Trump who, this week, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
tweeted a condemnation of the NHS. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
He said people were marching in the UK | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
because the NHS was going broke and not working. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
That's not why they were marching. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
They were marching in support of the NHS. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
An American condemnation of the NHS is hard to swallow, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
given the American government spends a higher percentage of its GDP | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
on health care than the UK, | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
and the NHS covers the entire population, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
while over 28 million US citizens | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
are left without health care coverage. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Health care is essentially like Russell Brand | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
in that as bad as it is here, it's even worse in America. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
Even more bizarrely, Jeremy Hunt responded. He said... | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
So, just to summarise, this is Jeremy Hunt siding with the people | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
who were protesting against Jeremy Hunt. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
He's basically speaking in defence of people | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
who spell his surname with a C. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
I'm definitely going to get tweets tomorrow that just say, | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
"Jeremy Chunt?!" | 0:01:34 | 0:01:35 | |
Listen, when it comes to Trump tweeting about the NHS, | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
you only have to ask the only question | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
every sane person has been asking every day | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
since Trump became president - | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
why? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Well, it could have something to do with Nigel Farage | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
who was on Fox News on Monday talking about the NHS. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Bear in mind, this is Nigel Farage | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
who used to constantly complain about this. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
You think you're going to be able to easily and freely... | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Why are you talking us down, Phil? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
-Why are you being so negative about us? -What? | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
Why are you being so negative about us? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
I'm personally getting pretty tired of people talking down | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
the United Kingdom, people talking down the City of London. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
So it might come as a bit of a surprise to see him go on Fox News | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
to, you guessed it, talk Britain down. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
The problem is, you know, we just haven't got enough hospitals, | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
we haven't got enough doctors, we haven't got enough facilities. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
That's one problem we've got. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Another big problem we've got is that the National Health Service | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
has kind of moved into becoming the international health service. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
GROANING | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
Oh, the hypocrisy, Nigel. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
After years of complaining about job-stealing foreigners, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
there he is on Fox News nicking the job of an ordinary, decent, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
hard-working American bigot. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
All we're asking for is consistency, Nigel. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
American jobs for American arseholes. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:55 | |
In the UK, Theresa May has come under pressure from a group | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
nicknamed the Brexit "dream team". | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Now this dream team is Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
and Boris Johnson, which is not so much a game | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
of Snog, Marry, Avoid as it is a game | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
of Avoid, Avoid, Restraining Order. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
The group are apparently manoeuvring for power | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
if May decides the UK will remain in the Customs Union after Brexit. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
By the way, these cool names for hard Brexit supporters need to stop. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
The "dream team" just sounds like a troupe of male strippers. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
No-one's happy about it. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
I'm stood in front of it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
But if they have to have a nickname, I have some suggestions. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
The Three Horsemen of the Brex-pocalypse. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Goldilocks and the Two Squares. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
The Three Egos. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Atomic Shitten. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
Or... | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
Or, my favourite, Three Bellends Outside Ebbing, Missouri. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Now over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
The latest headlines: | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
New Brexit report finds not trading with people may affect trade. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
Winter Olympic organisers admit concern over North Korean bobsleigh. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
And Big Mac celebrates 50th birthday | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
that Big Mac fans will never live to see. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
But first, experts believe Jeremy Corbyn's fans | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
are the first example of a personality cult | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
devoted to someone with no personality. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
Despite the Labour Party organising a new Corbyn-themed music festival, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
experts are still unable to identify a single thing about him | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
that's not mind-numbingly tedious. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Professor Henry Brewbaker, you join us now. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Can you explain this sort of phenomenon of cultish devotion | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
to a man most accurately described as a nice old man? | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
Ordinarily we'd associate personality cults with powerful, | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
charismatic figures like Mussolini, | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
but with Corbyn, we're talking about someone | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
who looks like a divorced humanities teacher | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
and probably collects interesting pebbles from his allotment. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
So just what do Labour supporters find | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
so fascinating about their leader? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Earlier we interviewed Michael Shaw from Momentum. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
There are loads of things that make Jeremy so charismatic. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
My dad hates him. Also...there's... | 0:05:26 | 0:05:31 | |
You know... Really he's... Actually, yes, he is quite boring, isn't he? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:37 | |
He had to find out some time. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
This week in Prime Minister's Questions, | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's record on policing. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
With the highest rise in crime in a quarter of a century | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
and police numbers being slashed, the Labour leader pointed out that | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
chief constables are now saying they no longer have the | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
resources to keep communities safe. It's pretty damning. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
The Home Office has defended their record by pointing to | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
their announcement in December of a potential £450 million | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
funding boost for the police. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
So will this increase make a difference? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
To talk about the government's announcement, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
-Thank you. -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
OK, Andrew, talk us through this announcement - a £450 million | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
funding boost for the police, I mean, to me, this sounds good. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
Well, it's not really real money. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:34 | |
Most of it comes from a prospective increase in council tax bills | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
-which some councils may not even choose to enact. -OK. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Well, at least it will bring an end to all the cut backs. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I'm afraid not, because despite that, | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
the police are being asked to make a further £100 million | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
of efficiency savings in spite of already being cut to the bone. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
-Well, how are they going to do that? -Don't worry, Nish. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
I had a think, I came up with some ideas to save money, | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
and I have already pitched them to an actual policeman. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Oh, God. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
In December, the government announced | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
a potential £450 million funding boost for the police, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
but after years of savage funding cuts, with officer numbers falling | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
and violent crime rising, | 0:07:09 | 0:07:10 | |
the reaction among British bobbies was unfavourable. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Why are these hard-working, dedicated, greedy, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
complaining public servants so bloody ungrateful? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
In November, Home Secretary Amber Rudd told police bosses | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
to stop asking for more money. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
In December, the Home Office offered police more money. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:30 | |
Would you describe yourself as extremely happy? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
No. There's £450 million that's been announced. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
-That's great. -No, it isn't. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
Not when they've taken £400 million from the Met alone | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
and there's £450 million for the entire country. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
And £270 million of that is if police and crime commissioners | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
manage to persuade people to put extra on their council tax. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
The government has asked that in return for this extra funding | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
the police will increase productivity | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
and continue to make efficiency savings. I have some suggestions... | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
-Go on. -..for saving money. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
Just tell me what you think. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
At the moment, police officers only get their pension when they turn 60. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
Yeah, tell me about it. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
But they are still quite expensive. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
What if we raised the retirement age to 100? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:16 | |
Would you like to see police officers aged 100 chasing | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
robbers down the street or jumping over, vaulting over back gardens? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
That's not really going to work, is it? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
-I would like to see that. -You might want to see it, | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
but it wouldn't be particularly efficient, would it? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
Wouldn't the elderly make perfect police officers? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
They're naturally racist, they would be great on long stakeouts. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
A lot of them don't even leave their seat to go to the toilet. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
You're sort of assuming there that police officers are racist, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
and that's not the case at all. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
-You're assuming that they sit around for long periods doing nothing. -Yep. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
That's not the case at all. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Could police stations diversify in order to raise revenue, | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
carry out other functions? | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
If I was able to come into a station, give a statement, | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
say I've been mugged, | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
and then order some dough balls, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:06 | |
I might be interested. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
So you think people who have just gone through the distressing crime | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
of being mugged are going to fancy a bit of a romantic meal | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
-and a glass of wine. -Yes. -No. -It's what I would want. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
My daughter's just been kidnapped, and I'll have a Sloppy Giuseppe. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
Where is this coming from? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
My wife's dead. Garlic bread. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
No, it's just ridiculous. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
After all the cuts, the Met has released a list of crimes | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
that they will not be able to investigate including, | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
for example, thefts worth less than £50. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Mm-hmm. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
Right, so, for example, is your jumper worth less than £50? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
Yeah, a lot less. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-Right, what if I tried to take it off you now? -I'd punch you. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
-Section three, Criminal Law Act... -I don't know what that is. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
-What's that? -Reasonable force to prevent a crime happening. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
Let's press on. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
Do you think any of my suggestions would work? | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
You haven't thought about this at all, have you? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
You've not researched it, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
you've not thought about what the police are for, | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
you've not thought about how they fit in the community. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
You've just come up with some random ideas to save money. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
-Sorry. -To be honest, you're a total -BLEEP-wit. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
You've got no idea at all. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
-Is he allowed to say -BLEEP-wit? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
How do you think that went? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
I did not get punched, Nish. I didn't get punched. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray! | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
CHEERING | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
So, let's talk about democracy. | 0:10:58 | 0:10:59 | |
Brexit and the Trump presidency are both political movements | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
that succeeded on the basis of returning power to ordinary people, | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
but let's take a look at how the actions of both Brexit leaders | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
and Trump are compromising democracy and doing the opposite. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:12 | |
Donald Trump continued his criticisms of the FBI | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
and their ongoing investigation into possible Russian collusion. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
Given his comments about the NHS, it seemed there's only one three-letter | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
acronym-based organisation that he's reluctant to criticise. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
The good news is that now Piers Morgan has not spent this | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
week kissing his arse, the President is free to resume talking out of it. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
On Monday... | 0:11:34 | 0:11:35 | |
Don't clap that, he's definitely going to tweet us. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
On Monday, he discussed how the Democrats reacted | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
to his State Of The Union speech. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:51 | |
They loved everything, they want to do something great for our country. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
You have the other side, even on positive news, | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
really positive news like that, they were like death. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:05 | |
And un-American. Un-American. Somebody said treasonous. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:11 | |
I mean, yeah, I guess, why not? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Can we call that treason? Why not? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
"Yeah, why not?" | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
is not how you answer the question, "Is that treason?"! | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Secondly, I had no idea that people not applauding you | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
constituted treason. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
In that case, the audience at my 2015 tour show in Reading | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
would have been in a lot of trouble. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Trump's attacks have no basis in fact, | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
so this is the President attacking a politically independent | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
law enforcement agency just because they're investigating him. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
He's also demanding that his opponents applaud him | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
or face charges of treason. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
He's like Joseph Stalin but with fewer connections to Russ... Sorry. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
He's like Joseph Stalin. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
That picture is a little piece I call, "Bang goes the US visa." | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
This week, Jacob Rees-Mogg repeatedly stated that | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Treasury civil servants had been fiddling the figures on Brexit | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
and that it was politically motivated, which is very serious, | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
because civil servants are supposed to be | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
neither political nor motivated. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
But, in actual fact, in actual fact, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
the Treasury's figures are broadly optimistic. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
They represent a Brexit where we immediately get a trade deal with | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
the US and keep dozens of the EU's current trade agreements | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
at the same time as loosening EU regulations. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
If these predictions were more optimistic, | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
they would include all of the home nations simultaneously | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
winning the World Cup, us getting the Olympics again | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
and Princess Diana revealing the whole thing was a big prank. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
SCATTERED LAUGHTER | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
What are you oohing that for? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:49 | |
Is that not something you want?! | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Is that treason? Sure, why not? | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
This is part of a wider pattern of hard Brexiters | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
making wild accusations. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
These are just attempts to undermine people's trust | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
in the checks and balances built into our democracy. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
On top of that, it was revealed that a secret | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
hard-Brexit lobbying group of MPs, | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
the European Research Group, has been operating | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
within the Conservative Party for some years, | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
currently headed up by Jacob Rees-Mogg | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
and funded with money from its members' expense claims. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
The Times described the ERG as the most powerful opposition force | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
in British politics, which I've got to say does seem | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
pretty insulting to the Labour Party. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
It's like when Romesh Ranganathan is described | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
as the nation's premier British Asian comedian by MY mother. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
On Wednesday... You all laughed too hard at that. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
All of you are treason! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
This is all treason! | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
On Wednesday, the Guardian showed the extent of the ERG's influence, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
highlighting how a speech made by Rees-Mogg a fortnight ago | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
contained elements that have now been adopted as government policy. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
So this taxpayer-funded organisation is incredibly influential, | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
which is unsurprising as it has a private membership of at least 35, | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
meaning it represents a substantial voting block in the Tory party. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
They co-ordinate attacks on fellow MPs via a WhatsApp group | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
and they are almost functioning as a government within a government. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
The reason I say at least 35 | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
is because its exact membership numbers remain a secret. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
The only thing we know for sure is that its figurehead | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
is Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man so cartoonishly elitist | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
the only way he makes sense is if it's suddenly revealed | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
that he was being played by Sacha Baron Cohen the entire time. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
By the way, the only reason we know he's not | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
is because he was interviewed by Ali G in 1999. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:38 | |
Look at him there. Look at him. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
So, just to summarise, that's a secret group influencing | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
government policy behind closed doors with absolutely no scrutiny. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:51 | |
So, why so sneaky, people's champions? | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
Well, perhaps because the model advocated by Rees-Mogg of Brexit | 0:15:53 | 0:15:57 | |
is to turn Britain into a low-tax, low-regulation economy. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
It's based on the research of a group called | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
the Economists For Free Trade | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
and it's predicated on massive tax cuts, | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
something that is presumably of interest to Brexiters | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
such as Aaron Banks and Jacob Rees-Mogg, who were all | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
revealed to have offshore holdings in the Paradise Papers. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
It's hard to take Rees-Mogg's claim that he is fighting for the poorest | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
in society seriously when all the while he is basically trying to | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
turn the whole country into Monaco but with shit weather and a Gregg's. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:25 | |
Brexit and Trump both campaigned on returning power to the people, | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
but their actions serve to consolidate power in the hands | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
of an unaccountable political elite. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
But that is a harder sell. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
If they'd campaigned honestly, | 0:16:38 | 0:16:39 | |
things would have looked a lot different. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
The Brexit bus would have just said... | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Instead of "Make America great again", | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
the cap would have just read, | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
"A black guy made fun of me and so I decided to become the most | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
"famous person in the world out of racist spite", | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
which doesn't really fit on the cap. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
In fact, the only hat it fits on is, ironically, a sombrero. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:09 | 0:17:10 | |
The latest headlines: | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
As his wife goes to watch 50 Shades sequel, | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
husband stays in to watch proper porn. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
Grandmother just doing whatever the fuck she wants. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
And scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
But first, the middle class shoppers who switched to | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
shopping at Lidl are wondering if they can switch back soon. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:43 | |
In recent years, millions of cash-strapped Sainsbury's or | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
even Waitrose shoppers have had to lower themselves | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
into the nether world of discount supermarkets | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
with short but hard-to-pronounce names, | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
and now they want out. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
It was a bit of an adventure at first, you know, | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
like travelling to a parallel world where we lost the war | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
and all the chocolate bars have German names. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
You've got fisherman's waders and camping stoves, | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
and what-have-you, racked up next to the peanut butter. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
I mean, it was so funny. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
But not any more. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Can someone please give me a well-paid job? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
I can't have another fucking stroopwafel. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
That's all from us. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Thank you, news desk. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
Now, for a robust insight into what's going on over the Atlantic, | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
please welcome our US correspondent, Desiree Burch. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
-Thanks, Nish. -What's piqued your interest particularly | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
from the States this week? | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
Well, last week | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
our president used part of his long-ass State Of The Union address | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
to criticise black NFL players for kneeling | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
during the national anthem, which is a protest against police brutality. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
Plus there's the government shutdown over child immigrants, | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
and Trump calling African nations shitholes. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
I mean, it feels like this has been a pretty rough, what, 15-16 months? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:12 | |
More like 300-400 years. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
-Oh... You're talking about... -Slavery, Nish. Slavery. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:20 | |
It's always slavery, man. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:21 | |
I mean, pretty much any time a black person is angry, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
you can guarantee slavery is behind it. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
We'll pretend it's something else, | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
like when McDonald's takes the McRib off the menu, | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
or when one of our work colleagues asked us where we can buy weed. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:36 | |
-Sure. -But pretty much always slavery. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
Since Donald Trump was elected, | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
America's become a much more racially divided place. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
What can we do, Desiree, to unite it? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Oh, easy, Nish. We don't. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
-Wait, you don't want to unite America? -Hell, no! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:56 | |
We need to take the country back to the civil war | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
and make sure the South wins that war | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
and split America into two separate countries. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Trump and all the racists can have their own country | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
called South America. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
OK, but... | 0:20:10 | 0:20:11 | |
-Desiree, there's already a place called South America. -Meh... | 0:20:14 | 0:20:19 | |
Anyway, if the South had won the war, slavery would still be a thing. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
Surely you've got to agree that it's better that slavery's over? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
But is it over, Nish? Is it? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
I mean, I'm guessing from your tone that the answer is no. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
-Hmm. -But what do you mean? | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Well, during slavery, black people were considered property. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
Then Abe Lincoln came along and said, "Actually, people are people." | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
-Everything was nice for, like, 25 minutes. -Sure. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
But then white people got all mad because not only had their property | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
been taken away, but now they had to treat that property as equals? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
It's basically like the government decided to ban the eating of meat, | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
and then took everybody's cows away. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
Then the next day, when you go into work, | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
you're sitting next to a fucking cow. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
You're all like, "Well, how come they can say moo | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
"but I can't say moo? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
"I mean, it's in all their music and they're all like, 'Moo, what?!' | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
"And like, 'Moo, please. I wish a moo would.' " | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
You know what I mean? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
I have literally no idea what you mean. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
What I am saying is you can't say slavery is over | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
but then just keep all the racists around and then expect them | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
to just get with the programme, | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
so why not just give them their own country and they can be | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
as racist as they like because there will be no black people around? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
So they can finally go, "Is it just us? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:40 | |
-"All right, fuck those moo cows!" -OK. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
I understand your point, but surely it's better to educate people | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
and encourage them to live with people of a different race from them | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
and build a society that's rooted in tolerance? | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Yeah, we tried that, Nish, and it didn't work. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
All right? Look what happened after slavery. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Black people were like, "OK, so this is all new. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
"I guess we'll just take it one day at a time." | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
White people were like, "I can't. I'm sorry. I tried, I can't. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
"I can't do it. I can't. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:06 | |
So, you know, they didn't want to live side-by-side with black people, | 0:22:06 | 0:22:10 | |
so they created Jim Crow laws to keep us separated | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
and economic conditions to keep us from owning land | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
and joining the competitive labour market. You know what? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
Let me put this another way. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
I feel like this is going to be about cows again. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
-They didn't want to share water fountains with cows. -There it is. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
They didn't want their kids going to school with cows, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
and they made all the cows go and sit at the back of the bus. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
Do you know how hard it is for a cow to get to the back of a moving bus? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
OK. I'm starting to get this now. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
You're saying that because all the racists | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
will be in their own country there'll be no segregation, right? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Of course there's going to be segregation, Nish. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
Racists be racists, you know how they do. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
The thing is, they're just going to make slaves out of, | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
I don't know, poor white people. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
-It'll be like Plymouth, you know? -Sure. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
But, you know, with people working, right? | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
Then maybe finally they will actually have a problem with slavery | 0:22:58 | 0:23:02 | |
because all the slaves will be white guys called David. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
It'll be like 12 Years A Dave. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
But the fact remains that slavery has been abolished, | 0:23:11 | 0:23:15 | |
and so surely society has moved on. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
I mean, America, you had your first black president. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
I know, and black people were so excited about that. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
It was like the OJ verdict, except with 100% fewer dead white people. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:28 | |
But then look at what happened - | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
as a direct result of Obama, we got Trump. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
Every time you get rid of something that oppresses black people, | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
racists put something else right back in its place. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
It's a very covert suppression of our rights. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
But there have been some positives. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
As you say, there have been NFL players feeling empowered enough | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
to take the knee in protest against young black people | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
being shot by the police. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
Oh, yes, NFL players. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
You mean strong black men working on a field, | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
making money for their white owners? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Yeah, that's right. Come on, Nish. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
I mean, the New York Giants are about a harmonica | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
and two Blues songs away from being actual slaves. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
Of course, the shooting of black people goes on. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
Yes. But, remember, | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
if you actually manage to escape getting | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
shot by Officer Itchy-Finger, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
you could still find yourself in a prison system that | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
incarcerates five times as many black people as white people, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
so if you let racists have the South free from black people, | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
they won't need to lock us up and get rid of us, | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
because all us moos will be kicking it in good America, | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
drinking soya lattes with President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
Beautiful. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
You know what, Desiree? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
You have actually convinced me. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
I think separating the union is a good idea. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
-What's wrong with you, Nish? It's a terrible idea. -What?! | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
I was just trying to make a point about slavery. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
Why are you trying to bring slavery back, Nish? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
Oh, God... No! | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
What I'm saying is had the South won the war, | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
America would have had to recognise | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
and deal with the racism that grew and flourished after the civil war. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
By understanding it, | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
we might not have elected a dumb racist like Donald Trump. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
So all we can do now is work together | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
to fight systemic oppression for all people of colour | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
and fight for empathy, equality and understanding | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
and, most importantly, fight to get a goddamn McRib | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
back on a McDonald's menu. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Desiree Burch! | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
This week marks the centenary of women's suffrage, | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
and Rachel is over at the social media wall | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
to talk about this historic moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
Thank you, Nish. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Yes, it's 100 years this week | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
since the first women were granted the right to vote. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
That's right, women have been allowed to vote | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
for almost the lifespan of a fairly old tortoise. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
I want to take this opportunity to consider how far we've come. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
Well, back in 1918, a lot of nervous Normans in the media were | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
panicking about the suffragette movement. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
Look at this poor man, holding a baby while his wife | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
prances around in a hat, high on gin, and voting everywhere. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
It was felt back then that women gaining equality meant a war on men. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:22 | |
But the ultimate creeping fear was encapsulated in one question - | 0:26:22 | 0:26:27 | |
what will men wear when women wear trousers? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:32 | |
Obviously people were very concerned that there was a finite | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
number of trousers in the world in 1918 | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
and that's why women shouldn't get the vote. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
If women started wearing them, some poor gents would have to go without. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
But, of course, everyone now accepts that women achieving equality | 0:26:43 | 0:26:47 | |
doesn't mean men have to lose out, isn't that right, Nish? | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
Absolutely. Gender equality, it's great. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
Unbelievable naivety from Nish there. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
These headlines are from now. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
Some sections of the media are pushing the same agenda today | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
as they were in 1918. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
Suzanne Venker on Fox News claims that feminism is a war on men. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:10 | |
That's right, Nish, we're at war, you and I... | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
..you bastard. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
I am so bad at fighting that even that scared me. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
Although you're a feminist and a man. Whaaa? What a world! | 0:27:23 | 0:27:28 | |
Should you punch yourself in the face? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Do you want me to punch myself in the face? | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
Not necessarily. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
Sarah Vine in the Mail, | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
referring to the outrage over the President's Club grope fest, | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
also refers to this madness of the war on men. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
Now, perhaps calling it a war sounds a little bit inflammatory, | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
but clearly for some millionaires, not being allowed to fondle | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
a young woman over dinner is a lot like the Somme. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
I suppose, really, it's a question of women being shown respect | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
and not employed as sex objects. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
"But it was a charity event", I hear you cry. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
How can men be expected to know when to donate to charity | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
without the universal signal of a woman's arse in their hand? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
I don't know. Nish, any idea? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
I mean, I normally just do it when there's a person | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
-with a bucket and change. LAUGHING: -Yeah. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
I don't. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:16 | |
The truth is equality for women doesn't mean less equality for men. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
There'll be plenty of trousers for all. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
Long trousers, short trousers, | 0:28:25 | 0:28:26 | |
the old posh man-type red trousers that Nish wears on weekends. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:30 | |
Those were a gift, OK? | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
Finally, as we've seen, | 0:28:36 | 0:28:37 | |
the attacks on the fight for gender equality continue, much as | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
they did in 1918, but tonight we are celebrating an historic achievement, | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
so let's finish on a positive. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
Well, firstly, CNN has declared 2018 to be "the year of women". Yay! | 0:28:46 | 0:28:53 | |
We've won the year. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:54 | |
It only took 2,018 attempts against only one opponent. | 0:28:54 | 0:29:00 | |
Go women! | 0:29:00 | 0:29:03 | |
CHEERING | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
Ah, it seems like giving birth to literally everyone | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
since the dawn of time has finally paid off. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
And, secondly, | 0:29:18 | 0:29:19 | |
Doritos have suggested creating a bag of crisps for women | 0:29:19 | 0:29:22 | |
that are quieter, less smelly and smaller for our tiny faces. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
Thank God. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
I once tried to eat a crisp, Nish, and it was so loud, I wet myself. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:33 | |
This sort of thing happens to women all the time. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:37 | |
Just remember, it's your trousers we're weeing in. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:41 | |
-Back to you, Nish. -Thank you, Rachel Parris. | 0:29:41 | 0:29:44 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:44 | 0:29:47 | |
That's all for tonight's show. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:48 | |
Rachel, seeing as it's 100 years since women's suffrage, | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
in the spirit of gender equality, would you like to say goodnight? | 0:29:51 | 0:29:55 | |
No. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
OK, great. Thank you very much. Goodnight! | 0:29:57 | 0:29:59 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:59 | 0:30:02 |