Episode 4 The Mash Report


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Episode 4

With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to The Mash Report.

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What a week it's been.

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Let's start with Donald Trump who, this week,

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tweeted a condemnation of the NHS.

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He said people were marching in the UK

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because the NHS was going broke and not working.

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That's not why they were marching.

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They were marching in support of the NHS.

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An American condemnation of the NHS is hard to swallow,

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given the American government spends a higher percentage of its GDP

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on health care than the UK,

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and the NHS covers the entire population,

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while over 28 million US citizens

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are left without health care coverage.

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Health care is essentially like Russell Brand

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in that as bad as it is here, it's even worse in America.

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Even more bizarrely, Jeremy Hunt responded. He said...

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So, just to summarise, this is Jeremy Hunt siding with the people

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who were protesting against Jeremy Hunt.

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He's basically speaking in defence of people

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who spell his surname with a C.

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I'm definitely going to get tweets tomorrow that just say,

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"Jeremy Chunt?!"

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Listen, when it comes to Trump tweeting about the NHS,

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you only have to ask the only question

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every sane person has been asking every day

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since Trump became president -

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why?

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Well, it could have something to do with Nigel Farage

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who was on Fox News on Monday talking about the NHS.

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Bear in mind, this is Nigel Farage

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who used to constantly complain about this.

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You think you're going to be able to easily and freely...

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Why are you talking us down, Phil?

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-Why are you being so negative about us?

-What?

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Why are you being so negative about us?

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I'm personally getting pretty tired of people talking down

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the United Kingdom, people talking down the City of London.

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So it might come as a bit of a surprise to see him go on Fox News

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to, you guessed it, talk Britain down.

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The problem is, you know, we just haven't got enough hospitals,

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we haven't got enough doctors, we haven't got enough facilities.

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That's one problem we've got.

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Another big problem we've got is that the National Health Service

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has kind of moved into becoming the international health service.

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GROANING

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Oh, the hypocrisy, Nigel.

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After years of complaining about job-stealing foreigners,

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there he is on Fox News nicking the job of an ordinary, decent,

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hard-working American bigot.

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All we're asking for is consistency, Nigel.

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American jobs for American arseholes.

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In the UK, Theresa May has come under pressure from a group

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nicknamed the Brexit "dream team".

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Now this dream team is Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg

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and Boris Johnson, which is not so much a game

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of Snog, Marry, Avoid as it is a game

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of Avoid, Avoid, Restraining Order.

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The group are apparently manoeuvring for power

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if May decides the UK will remain in the Customs Union after Brexit.

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By the way, these cool names for hard Brexit supporters need to stop.

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The "dream team" just sounds like a troupe of male strippers.

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No-one's happy about it.

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I'm stood in front of it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

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But if they have to have a nickname, I have some suggestions.

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The Three Horsemen of the Brex-pocalypse.

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Goldilocks and the Two Squares.

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The Three Egos.

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Atomic Shitten.

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Or...

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Or, my favourite, Three Bellends Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

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Now over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

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The latest headlines:

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New Brexit report finds not trading with people may affect trade.

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Winter Olympic organisers admit concern over North Korean bobsleigh.

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And Big Mac celebrates 50th birthday

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that Big Mac fans will never live to see.

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But first, experts believe Jeremy Corbyn's fans

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are the first example of a personality cult

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devoted to someone with no personality.

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Despite the Labour Party organising a new Corbyn-themed music festival,

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experts are still unable to identify a single thing about him

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that's not mind-numbingly tedious.

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Professor Henry Brewbaker, you join us now.

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Can you explain this sort of phenomenon of cultish devotion

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to a man most accurately described as a nice old man?

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Ordinarily we'd associate personality cults with powerful,

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charismatic figures like Mussolini,

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but with Corbyn, we're talking about someone

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who looks like a divorced humanities teacher

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and probably collects interesting pebbles from his allotment.

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So just what do Labour supporters find

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so fascinating about their leader?

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Earlier we interviewed Michael Shaw from Momentum.

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There are loads of things that make Jeremy so charismatic.

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My dad hates him. Also...there's...

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You know... Really he's... Actually, yes, he is quite boring, isn't he?

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He had to find out some time.

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This week in Prime Minister's Questions,

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Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's record on policing.

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With the highest rise in crime in a quarter of a century

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and police numbers being slashed, the Labour leader pointed out that

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chief constables are now saying they no longer have the

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resources to keep communities safe. It's pretty damning.

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The Home Office has defended their record by pointing to

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their announcement in December of a potential £450 million

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funding boost for the police.

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So will this increase make a difference?

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To talk about the government's announcement,

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please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.

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-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, Andrew, talk us through this announcement - a £450 million

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funding boost for the police, I mean, to me, this sounds good.

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Well, it's not really real money.

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Most of it comes from a prospective increase in council tax bills

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-which some councils may not even choose to enact.

-OK.

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Well, at least it will bring an end to all the cut backs.

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I'm afraid not, because despite that,

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the police are being asked to make a further £100 million

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of efficiency savings in spite of already being cut to the bone.

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-Well, how are they going to do that?

-Don't worry, Nish.

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I had a think, I came up with some ideas to save money,

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and I have already pitched them to an actual policeman.

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Oh, God.

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In December, the government announced

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a potential £450 million funding boost for the police,

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but after years of savage funding cuts, with officer numbers falling

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and violent crime rising,

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the reaction among British bobbies was unfavourable.

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Why are these hard-working, dedicated, greedy,

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complaining public servants so bloody ungrateful?

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In November, Home Secretary Amber Rudd told police bosses

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to stop asking for more money.

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In December, the Home Office offered police more money.

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Would you describe yourself as extremely happy?

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No. There's £450 million that's been announced.

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-That's great.

-No, it isn't.

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Not when they've taken £400 million from the Met alone

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and there's £450 million for the entire country.

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And £270 million of that is if police and crime commissioners

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manage to persuade people to put extra on their council tax.

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The government has asked that in return for this extra funding

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the police will increase productivity

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and continue to make efficiency savings. I have some suggestions...

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-Go on.

-..for saving money.

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Just tell me what you think.

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At the moment, police officers only get their pension when they turn 60.

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Yeah, tell me about it.

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But they are still quite expensive.

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What if we raised the retirement age to 100?

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Would you like to see police officers aged 100 chasing

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robbers down the street or jumping over, vaulting over back gardens?

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That's not really going to work, is it?

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-I would like to see that.

-You might want to see it,

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but it wouldn't be particularly efficient, would it?

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Wouldn't the elderly make perfect police officers?

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They're naturally racist, they would be great on long stakeouts.

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A lot of them don't even leave their seat to go to the toilet.

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You're sort of assuming there that police officers are racist,

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and that's not the case at all.

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-You're assuming that they sit around for long periods doing nothing.

-Yep.

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That's not the case at all.

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Could police stations diversify in order to raise revenue,

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carry out other functions?

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If I was able to come into a station, give a statement,

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say I've been mugged,

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and then order some dough balls,

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I might be interested.

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So you think people who have just gone through the distressing crime

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of being mugged are going to fancy a bit of a romantic meal

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-and a glass of wine.

-Yes.

-No.

-It's what I would want.

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My daughter's just been kidnapped, and I'll have a Sloppy Giuseppe.

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Where is this coming from?

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My wife's dead. Garlic bread.

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No, it's just ridiculous.

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After all the cuts, the Met has released a list of crimes

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that they will not be able to investigate including,

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for example, thefts worth less than £50.

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Mm-hmm.

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Right, so, for example, is your jumper worth less than £50?

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Yeah, a lot less.

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-Right, what if I tried to take it off you now?

-I'd punch you.

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-Section three, Criminal Law Act...

-I don't know what that is.

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-What's that?

-Reasonable force to prevent a crime happening.

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Let's press on.

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Do you think any of my suggestions would work?

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You haven't thought about this at all, have you?

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You've not researched it,

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you've not thought about what the police are for,

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you've not thought about how they fit in the community.

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You've just come up with some random ideas to save money.

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-Sorry.

-To be honest, you're a total

-BLEEP-wit.

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You've got no idea at all.

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-Is he allowed to say

-BLEEP-wit?

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How do you think that went?

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I did not get punched, Nish. I didn't get punched.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

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CHEERING

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So, let's talk about democracy.

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Brexit and the Trump presidency are both political movements

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that succeeded on the basis of returning power to ordinary people,

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but let's take a look at how the actions of both Brexit leaders

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and Trump are compromising democracy and doing the opposite.

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Donald Trump continued his criticisms of the FBI

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and their ongoing investigation into possible Russian collusion.

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Given his comments about the NHS, it seemed there's only one three-letter

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acronym-based organisation that he's reluctant to criticise.

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The good news is that now Piers Morgan has not spent this

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week kissing his arse, the President is free to resume talking out of it.

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On Monday...

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Don't clap that, he's definitely going to tweet us.

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On Monday, he discussed how the Democrats reacted

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to his State Of The Union speech.

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You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild.

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They loved everything, they want to do something great for our country.

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You have the other side, even on positive news,

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really positive news like that, they were like death.

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And un-American. Un-American. Somebody said treasonous.

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I mean, yeah, I guess, why not?

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Can we call that treason? Why not?

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"Yeah, why not?"

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is not how you answer the question, "Is that treason?"!

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Secondly, I had no idea that people not applauding you

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constituted treason.

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In that case, the audience at my 2015 tour show in Reading

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would have been in a lot of trouble.

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Trump's attacks have no basis in fact,

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so this is the President attacking a politically independent

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law enforcement agency just because they're investigating him.

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He's also demanding that his opponents applaud him

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or face charges of treason.

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He's like Joseph Stalin but with fewer connections to Russ... Sorry.

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He's like Joseph Stalin.

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That picture is a little piece I call, "Bang goes the US visa."

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This week, Jacob Rees-Mogg repeatedly stated that

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Treasury civil servants had been fiddling the figures on Brexit

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and that it was politically motivated, which is very serious,

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because civil servants are supposed to be

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neither political nor motivated.

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But, in actual fact, in actual fact,

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the Treasury's figures are broadly optimistic.

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They represent a Brexit where we immediately get a trade deal with

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the US and keep dozens of the EU's current trade agreements

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at the same time as loosening EU regulations.

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If these predictions were more optimistic,

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they would include all of the home nations simultaneously

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winning the World Cup, us getting the Olympics again

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and Princess Diana revealing the whole thing was a big prank.

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SCATTERED LAUGHTER

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What are you oohing that for?

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Is that not something you want?!

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Is that treason? Sure, why not?

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This is part of a wider pattern of hard Brexiters

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making wild accusations.

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These are just attempts to undermine people's trust

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in the checks and balances built into our democracy.

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On top of that, it was revealed that a secret

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hard-Brexit lobbying group of MPs,

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the European Research Group, has been operating

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within the Conservative Party for some years,

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currently headed up by Jacob Rees-Mogg

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and funded with money from its members' expense claims.

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The Times described the ERG as the most powerful opposition force

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in British politics, which I've got to say does seem

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pretty insulting to the Labour Party.

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It's like when Romesh Ranganathan is described

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as the nation's premier British Asian comedian by MY mother.

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LAUGHTER

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On Wednesday... You all laughed too hard at that.

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All of you are treason!

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This is all treason!

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On Wednesday, the Guardian showed the extent of the ERG's influence,

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highlighting how a speech made by Rees-Mogg a fortnight ago

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contained elements that have now been adopted as government policy.

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So this taxpayer-funded organisation is incredibly influential,

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which is unsurprising as it has a private membership of at least 35,

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meaning it represents a substantial voting block in the Tory party.

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They co-ordinate attacks on fellow MPs via a WhatsApp group

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and they are almost functioning as a government within a government.

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The reason I say at least 35

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is because its exact membership numbers remain a secret.

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The only thing we know for sure is that its figurehead

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is Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man so cartoonishly elitist

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the only way he makes sense is if it's suddenly revealed

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that he was being played by Sacha Baron Cohen the entire time.

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By the way, the only reason we know he's not

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is because he was interviewed by Ali G in 1999.

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Look at him there. Look at him.

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So, just to summarise, that's a secret group influencing

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government policy behind closed doors with absolutely no scrutiny.

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So, why so sneaky, people's champions?

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Well, perhaps because the model advocated by Rees-Mogg of Brexit

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is to turn Britain into a low-tax, low-regulation economy.

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It's based on the research of a group called

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the Economists For Free Trade

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and it's predicated on massive tax cuts,

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something that is presumably of interest to Brexiters

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such as Aaron Banks and Jacob Rees-Mogg, who were all

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revealed to have offshore holdings in the Paradise Papers.

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It's hard to take Rees-Mogg's claim that he is fighting for the poorest

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in society seriously when all the while he is basically trying to

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turn the whole country into Monaco but with shit weather and a Gregg's.

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Brexit and Trump both campaigned on returning power to the people,

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but their actions serve to consolidate power in the hands

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of an unaccountable political elite.

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But that is a harder sell.

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If they'd campaigned honestly,

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things would have looked a lot different.

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The Brexit bus would have just said...

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Instead of "Make America great again",

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the cap would have just read,

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"A black guy made fun of me and so I decided to become the most

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"famous person in the world out of racist spite",

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which doesn't really fit on the cap.

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In fact, the only hat it fits on is, ironically, a sombrero.

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Let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

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APPLAUSE

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The latest headlines:

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As his wife goes to watch 50 Shades sequel,

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husband stays in to watch proper porn.

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Grandmother just doing whatever the fuck she wants.

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And scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes.

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But first, the middle class shoppers who switched to

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shopping at Lidl are wondering if they can switch back soon.

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In recent years, millions of cash-strapped Sainsbury's or

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even Waitrose shoppers have had to lower themselves

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into the nether world of discount supermarkets

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with short but hard-to-pronounce names,

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and now they want out.

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It was a bit of an adventure at first, you know,

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like travelling to a parallel world where we lost the war

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and all the chocolate bars have German names.

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You've got fisherman's waders and camping stoves,

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and what-have-you, racked up next to the peanut butter.

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I mean, it was so funny.

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But not any more.

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Can someone please give me a well-paid job?

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I can't have another fucking stroopwafel.

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That's all from us.

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Thank you, news desk.

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Now, for a robust insight into what's going on over the Atlantic,

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please welcome our US correspondent, Desiree Burch.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:400:18:42

-Thanks, Nish.

-What's piqued your interest particularly

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from the States this week?

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Well, last week

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our president used part of his long-ass State Of The Union address

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to criticise black NFL players for kneeling

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during the national anthem, which is a protest against police brutality.

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Plus there's the government shutdown over child immigrants,

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and Trump calling African nations shitholes.

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I mean, it feels like this has been a pretty rough, what, 15-16 months?

0:19:070:19:12

More like 300-400 years.

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-Oh... You're talking about...

-Slavery, Nish. Slavery.

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It's always slavery, man.

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I mean, pretty much any time a black person is angry,

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you can guarantee slavery is behind it.

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We'll pretend it's something else,

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like when McDonald's takes the McRib off the menu,

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or when one of our work colleagues asked us where we can buy weed.

0:19:300:19:36

-Sure.

-But pretty much always slavery.

0:19:360:19:38

Since Donald Trump was elected,

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America's become a much more racially divided place.

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What can we do, Desiree, to unite it?

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Oh, easy, Nish. We don't.

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-Wait, you don't want to unite America?

-Hell, no!

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We need to take the country back to the civil war

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and make sure the South wins that war

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and split America into two separate countries.

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Trump and all the racists can have their own country

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called South America.

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OK, but...

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-Desiree, there's already a place called South America.

-Meh...

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Anyway, if the South had won the war, slavery would still be a thing.

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Surely you've got to agree that it's better that slavery's over?

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But is it over, Nish? Is it?

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I mean, I'm guessing from your tone that the answer is no.

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-Hmm.

-But what do you mean?

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Well, during slavery, black people were considered property.

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Then Abe Lincoln came along and said, "Actually, people are people."

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-Everything was nice for, like, 25 minutes.

-Sure.

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But then white people got all mad because not only had their property

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been taken away, but now they had to treat that property as equals?

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It's basically like the government decided to ban the eating of meat,

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and then took everybody's cows away.

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Then the next day, when you go into work,

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you're sitting next to a fucking cow.

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You're all like, "Well, how come they can say moo

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"but I can't say moo?

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"I mean, it's in all their music and they're all like, 'Moo, what?!'

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"And like, 'Moo, please. I wish a moo would.' "

0:21:120:21:16

You know what I mean?

0:21:160:21:18

I have literally no idea what you mean.

0:21:180:21:21

What I am saying is you can't say slavery is over

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but then just keep all the racists around and then expect them

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to just get with the programme,

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so why not just give them their own country and they can be

0:21:300:21:32

as racist as they like because there will be no black people around?

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So they can finally go, "Is it just us?

0:21:360:21:40

-"All right, fuck those moo cows!"

-OK.

0:21:400:21:43

I understand your point, but surely it's better to educate people

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and encourage them to live with people of a different race from them

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and build a society that's rooted in tolerance?

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Yeah, we tried that, Nish, and it didn't work.

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All right? Look what happened after slavery.

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Black people were like, "OK, so this is all new.

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"I guess we'll just take it one day at a time."

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White people were like, "I can't. I'm sorry. I tried, I can't.

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"I can't do it. I can't.

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So, you know, they didn't want to live side-by-side with black people,

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so they created Jim Crow laws to keep us separated

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and economic conditions to keep us from owning land

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and joining the competitive labour market. You know what?

0:22:150:22:18

Let me put this another way.

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I feel like this is going to be about cows again.

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-They didn't want to share water fountains with cows.

-There it is.

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They didn't want their kids going to school with cows,

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and they made all the cows go and sit at the back of the bus.

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Do you know how hard it is for a cow to get to the back of a moving bus?

0:22:310:22:34

OK. I'm starting to get this now.

0:22:360:22:38

You're saying that because all the racists

0:22:380:22:40

will be in their own country there'll be no segregation, right?

0:22:400:22:43

Of course there's going to be segregation, Nish.

0:22:430:22:46

Racists be racists, you know how they do.

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The thing is, they're just going to make slaves out of,

0:22:480:22:51

I don't know, poor white people.

0:22:510:22:52

-It'll be like Plymouth, you know?

-Sure.

0:22:520:22:55

But, you know, with people working, right?

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Then maybe finally they will actually have a problem with slavery

0:22:580:23:02

because all the slaves will be white guys called David.

0:23:020:23:05

It'll be like 12 Years A Dave.

0:23:050:23:06

But the fact remains that slavery has been abolished,

0:23:110:23:15

and so surely society has moved on.

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I mean, America, you had your first black president.

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I know, and black people were so excited about that.

0:23:200:23:23

It was like the OJ verdict, except with 100% fewer dead white people.

0:23:230:23:28

But then look at what happened -

0:23:300:23:31

as a direct result of Obama, we got Trump.

0:23:310:23:34

Every time you get rid of something that oppresses black people,

0:23:340:23:37

racists put something else right back in its place.

0:23:370:23:39

It's a very covert suppression of our rights.

0:23:390:23:42

But there have been some positives.

0:23:420:23:44

As you say, there have been NFL players feeling empowered enough

0:23:440:23:47

to take the knee in protest against young black people

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being shot by the police.

0:23:500:23:51

Oh, yes, NFL players.

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You mean strong black men working on a field,

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making money for their white owners?

0:23:560:23:57

APPLAUSE

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Yeah, that's right. Come on, Nish.

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I mean, the New York Giants are about a harmonica

0:24:070:24:09

and two Blues songs away from being actual slaves.

0:24:090:24:13

Of course, the shooting of black people goes on.

0:24:150:24:17

Yes. But, remember,

0:24:170:24:18

if you actually manage to escape getting

0:24:180:24:20

shot by Officer Itchy-Finger,

0:24:200:24:22

you could still find yourself in a prison system that

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incarcerates five times as many black people as white people,

0:24:250:24:27

so if you let racists have the South free from black people,

0:24:270:24:31

they won't need to lock us up and get rid of us,

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because all us moos will be kicking it in good America,

0:24:330:24:36

drinking soya lattes with President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

0:24:360:24:39

Beautiful.

0:24:450:24:46

You know what, Desiree?

0:24:460:24:49

You have actually convinced me.

0:24:490:24:52

I think separating the union is a good idea.

0:24:520:24:54

-What's wrong with you, Nish? It's a terrible idea.

-What?!

0:24:540:24:58

I was just trying to make a point about slavery.

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Why are you trying to bring slavery back, Nish?

0:25:000:25:02

Oh, God... No!

0:25:020:25:04

What I'm saying is had the South won the war,

0:25:040:25:06

America would have had to recognise

0:25:060:25:09

and deal with the racism that grew and flourished after the civil war.

0:25:090:25:12

By understanding it,

0:25:120:25:14

we might not have elected a dumb racist like Donald Trump.

0:25:140:25:17

So all we can do now is work together

0:25:170:25:19

to fight systemic oppression for all people of colour

0:25:190:25:21

and fight for empathy, equality and understanding

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and, most importantly, fight to get a goddamn McRib

0:25:240:25:28

back on a McDonald's menu.

0:25:280:25:30

Ladies and gentlemen, Desiree Burch!

0:25:300:25:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:320:25:34

This week marks the centenary of women's suffrage,

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and Rachel is over at the social media wall

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to talk about this historic moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:440:25:47

Thank you, Nish.

0:25:470:25:49

Yes, it's 100 years this week

0:25:490:25:51

since the first women were granted the right to vote.

0:25:510:25:54

That's right, women have been allowed to vote

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for almost the lifespan of a fairly old tortoise.

0:25:560:25:59

I want to take this opportunity to consider how far we've come.

0:25:590:26:03

Well, back in 1918, a lot of nervous Normans in the media were

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panicking about the suffragette movement.

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Look at this poor man, holding a baby while his wife

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prances around in a hat, high on gin, and voting everywhere.

0:26:130:26:17

It was felt back then that women gaining equality meant a war on men.

0:26:170:26:22

But the ultimate creeping fear was encapsulated in one question -

0:26:220:26:27

what will men wear when women wear trousers?

0:26:270:26:32

Obviously people were very concerned that there was a finite

0:26:320:26:35

number of trousers in the world in 1918

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and that's why women shouldn't get the vote.

0:26:370:26:39

If women started wearing them, some poor gents would have to go without.

0:26:390:26:43

But, of course, everyone now accepts that women achieving equality

0:26:430:26:47

doesn't mean men have to lose out, isn't that right, Nish?

0:26:470:26:50

Absolutely. Gender equality, it's great.

0:26:500:26:53

Unbelievable naivety from Nish there.

0:26:530:26:55

These headlines are from now.

0:26:580:27:00

Some sections of the media are pushing the same agenda today

0:27:000:27:04

as they were in 1918.

0:27:040:27:05

Suzanne Venker on Fox News claims that feminism is a war on men.

0:27:050:27:10

That's right, Nish, we're at war, you and I...

0:27:100:27:13

..you bastard.

0:27:130:27:14

I am so bad at fighting that even that scared me.

0:27:190:27:23

Although you're a feminist and a man. Whaaa? What a world!

0:27:230:27:28

Should you punch yourself in the face?

0:27:280:27:31

Do you want me to punch myself in the face?

0:27:310:27:33

Not necessarily.

0:27:330:27:36

Sarah Vine in the Mail,

0:27:360:27:37

referring to the outrage over the President's Club grope fest,

0:27:370:27:41

also refers to this madness of the war on men.

0:27:410:27:44

Now, perhaps calling it a war sounds a little bit inflammatory,

0:27:440:27:47

but clearly for some millionaires, not being allowed to fondle

0:27:470:27:50

a young woman over dinner is a lot like the Somme.

0:27:500:27:53

I suppose, really, it's a question of women being shown respect

0:27:550:27:57

and not employed as sex objects.

0:27:570:28:00

"But it was a charity event", I hear you cry.

0:28:000:28:02

How can men be expected to know when to donate to charity

0:28:020:28:05

without the universal signal of a woman's arse in their hand?

0:28:050:28:09

I don't know. Nish, any idea?

0:28:090:28:11

I mean, I normally just do it when there's a person

0:28:110:28:13

-with a bucket and change. LAUGHING:

-Yeah.

0:28:130:28:15

I don't.

0:28:150:28:16

The truth is equality for women doesn't mean less equality for men.

0:28:190:28:22

There'll be plenty of trousers for all.

0:28:220:28:25

Long trousers, short trousers,

0:28:250:28:26

the old posh man-type red trousers that Nish wears on weekends.

0:28:260:28:30

Those were a gift, OK?

0:28:330:28:36

Finally, as we've seen,

0:28:360:28:37

the attacks on the fight for gender equality continue, much as

0:28:370:28:40

they did in 1918, but tonight we are celebrating an historic achievement,

0:28:400:28:44

so let's finish on a positive.

0:28:440:28:46

Well, firstly, CNN has declared 2018 to be "the year of women". Yay!

0:28:460:28:53

We've won the year.

0:28:530:28:54

It only took 2,018 attempts against only one opponent.

0:28:540:29:00

Go women!

0:29:000:29:03

CHEERING

0:29:030:29:05

Ah, it seems like giving birth to literally everyone

0:29:100:29:13

since the dawn of time has finally paid off.

0:29:130:29:15

And, secondly,

0:29:180:29:19

Doritos have suggested creating a bag of crisps for women

0:29:190:29:22

that are quieter, less smelly and smaller for our tiny faces.

0:29:220:29:26

Thank God.

0:29:270:29:29

I once tried to eat a crisp, Nish, and it was so loud, I wet myself.

0:29:290:29:33

This sort of thing happens to women all the time.

0:29:350:29:37

Just remember, it's your trousers we're weeing in.

0:29:370:29:41

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris.

0:29:410:29:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:440:29:47

That's all for tonight's show.

0:29:470:29:48

Rachel, seeing as it's 100 years since women's suffrage,

0:29:480:29:51

in the spirit of gender equality, would you like to say goodnight?

0:29:510:29:55

No.

0:29:550:29:57

OK, great. Thank you very much. Goodnight!

0:29:570:29:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:590:30:02

With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.