Episode 5 The Mash Report


Episode 5

With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Thank you.

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Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, and what a week it's been.

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In a speech on Wednesday, Boris Johnson offered up his liberal version of Brexit.

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Johnson claimed his speech would offer hope and optimism.

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Look, let's face it, it's easy for Boris Johnson to be optimistic -

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you would be too if your life was just basically being

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terrible at your job and then immediately getting a better job.

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The way things are going, if Brexit goes badly enough, he's going to end up being the next James Bond.

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Who else could be Boris Johnson's Bond girl other than Boris Johnson?

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It's not the biggest stretch in the world, at the end of the day.

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Boris Johnson and James Bond are both privately educated,

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wealthy white men who have complicated relationships

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with women and ethnic minorities.

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Remember that? When James Bond disguised himself as Japanese

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and everyone was like, "That is...normal."

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The speech offered nothing but empty rhetoric

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and nothing about what Brexit would actually involve.

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And that's what people are worried about now,

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especially in the week the Home Office announced,

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in order to cope with the changes to our immigration system

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after leaving the EU, it's going to require a system

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that they said is almost certainly not going to be ready in time.

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When it comes to Brexit, why is nothing ever ready in time?

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Why on earth did we just trigger Article 50

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without any thought of whether the two-year time period

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would be enough to get everything sorted?

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So we're currently about to miss an unrealistic deadline that we set ourselves.

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That's like deciding you're going to achieve

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all your New Year's resolutions by 2nd January.

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It sounds like a good idea but it's all going to end up with you on a treadmill screaming,

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"This clarinet has too many buttons and Spanish is muy difficulto."

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The news this week was dominated by the appalling

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allegations of bullying, harassment

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and inappropriate sexual behaviour carried out by Oxfam workers.

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Initial accusations centred around Roland van Hauwermeiren

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and his team who were assigned to Haiti after the 2010 earthquake.

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Oxfam then allowed some of them to resign.

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They faced no criminal investigation

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and in some cases were able to go and work for other charities.

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And now allegations are starting to spread to other Oxfam projects around the world.

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The Guardian described it as the aid sector's #MeToo moment,

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although given that it's the aid sector,

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it's not so much #MeToo as it is

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#you too seriously you're supposed to be helping people

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are you fucking kidding me everything is terrible.

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This is clearly a horrific story.

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Some of the responses have been very strange.

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Trevor Kavanagh, writing in The Sun,

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took the opportunity to seemingly attack the concept of charity.

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He describes charity as one of Britain's dirtiest secrets.

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And then said, "Big charity and corruption go together like mosquitoes and malaria."

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Look, nobody is denying that Oxfam have behaved appallingly

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and there needs to be a serious investigation into how these

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abuses and cover-ups have been allowed to happen,

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and questions need to be asked.

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But those questions do not include, "Is charity good?

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"Should we have charities?

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"And is Pudsey a freeloading little shit?

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"I bet he's got a healthy eye behind that patch."

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Now over to the Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines.

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APPLAUSE

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The latest headlines.

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Jamie Oliver's restaurants in trouble as it emerges he's not Italian.

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Teenage love poet wondering what rhymes with boner.

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And savoury pancakes are bullshit, says Pope.

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But first, now that Valentine's Day is over, a married couple

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are relieved they don't have to have sex again until his birthday.

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Kenneth Kramer romanced his wife, Joanna,

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with mid-priced Belgian chocolates.

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The couple then endured five minutes of adequate lovemaking

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in the missionary position before resuming

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their comfortable brother-and-sister dynamic.

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-We've been married for about five years.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-Gosh.

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So at this point it takes a good few months to gear ourselves up

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-to see each other naked, doesn't it?

-Yes, absolutely.

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I mean, just the idea of it...

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-Yes!

-But once we get going, it is fine.

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-Oh, absolutely.

-Really quite lovely and...

-Really good. Yes.

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Because I can think about Natalie Imbruglia and...

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-Who is it you pretend I am, again, sweetheart?

-Your brother Stephen.

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Yes. My brother Stephen.

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But we've got it out the way now so we don't have to do it again

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-until anyone's birthday.

-Yes, and that's not until November.

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-BOTH: Phewee!

-Oh, sorry!

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Now I can go back to seeing you as a totally asexual housemaid

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whose bowel movements I overhear every morning.

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And I can go back to touching myself in the shower.

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-Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

-Happy Valentine's Day.

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-Ha-ha. Yes, yes.

-How nice.

-Yes.

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And now for a special Winter Olympics bulletin from Nathan,

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who's track-side in Pyeongchang,

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where it's been an exciting day for Finland's Rinsu Skrnsson,

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taking the gold in the 2 x 4,000m uphill Nordic skjord.

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Skrnsson came in at 16 hours 28 seconds and 14 trees,

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a mere one hundredth of a tree ahead of Sweden's Grunter Halbordshmardonsonson.

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But it was a day of mixed fortunes for the Finns after Hedia Trykkso

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and Dugya Hylvs were disqualified from the Chamsark ice fluting after a flagrant triple byerk.

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I understand there was upset in the men's byuutobarg,

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with Sweden's Rinsu Baumborg snapping his skenssohn

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in a collision with team-mate Bampoo Bampbap.

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Actually, the real surprise came in the women's husky svekkling.

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Neurnberg Bernruug wowed the crowd with a 12 metre triple skruuntraag,

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then immediately announced she was quitting sport to go feral.

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I understand Nether Grengahd was leading in the svekkling until the

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lead husky, Svelborg, succumbed to pelt rot in the final rhedlung.

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Yes, the husky unfortunately took an early sauna,

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or as we say in Britain, they shot it.

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Thanks, Nathan. We'll be back with more later.

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This week Jacob Rees-Mogg has quietly become

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the bookies' favourite to succeed embattled Prime Minister Theresa May

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as leader of the Conservative Party.

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Taking a look at the man behind the headlines, please welcome Rachel Parris.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, that's right, Nish.

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Lots of people have been getting in touch to ask,

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"Who is this plucky upstart Jacob Rees-Mogg?

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"And is he as much fun as he seems?"

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Well, the answer is yes, Nish.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg is a huge amount of fun - quintessentially English

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and old-fashioned.

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A delightful Bertie Wooster-esque eccentric.

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Jeeves and Wooster, Downton Abbey, The Crown.

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British people love throwbacks to a simpler time

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when the upper classes ruled over us with patronising benevolence.

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-Nish, do you like being patronised?

-No.

-No? I think you'll find you do.

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Is there more to Mogg than this old-fashioned facade?

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People are really engaging with Mogg's authenticity.

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He's not afraid to be traditional

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and vote with his deeply held Christian beliefs.

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So, let's take a quick look at this aristocrat millionaire's voting record.

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Now, as you can see here,

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he consistently votes against gay rights,

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women's reproductive rights, human rights and equality!

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He's an absolute rotter, isn't he, Nish?

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Just like Bertie Wooster in PG Wodehouse's acclaimed novels

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Bertie And The Disabled Scrounger

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and Don't Be Gay, Jeeves!

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Rees-Mogg attributes many of his opinions to his Catholic faith.

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He has talked candidly about how his religion dictates

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that he opposes same-sex marriage.

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He also opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest.

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Oh, hang on! I've just seen this jaunty photo of him!

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-LAUGHS

-Such a card, I love him!

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So, Rees-Mogg does seem to rather cherry pick

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parts of the Bible to follow.

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He is oddly obsessed by the traditional marriage bit but not

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so worried about all of the taking care of the poor and the meek.

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You see, Jesus was famously quite pro meek...

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..whereas Mogg is an unashamed meek sceptic.

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He voted to block unaccompanied child refugees

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in Calais from finding safety in the UK.

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Thinking about it, Rees-Mogg would have absolutely hated Jesus.

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He was an immigrant who could walk on water! Argh!

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-It's the worst nightmare!

-APPLAUSE

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-No passport control for the son of God.

-Absolutely not.

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Now, the English love wordplay

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and he's even got a half-hearted pun on his own name - Moggmentum.

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It's a play on the Labour organisation Momentum

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but it's got Mogg inside it, which isn't something any of us want.

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So, let's just take a Moggment to look at his attitude

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to women's reproductive rights.

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One thing people really like about Mogg is that he's very polite,

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and when asked whether abortion should be opposed in every case,

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he replied, "I'm afraid so." Lovely.

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Well, etiquette is everything when it comes to who controls my womb.

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I've always been very clear on that, Nish.

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Another thing that people love about the pro-life Etonian

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is that he is unapologetic about his views. And I can understand that.

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When people hold terrible views that can ruin people's lives,

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the last thing you want is an apology.

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And you know who else was famously unapologetic in their views?

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All of the bad people in history.

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Indeed, Jacob Rees-Mogg stated in an interview, "I am what I am."

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Echoing the voices of gay people across the world whose rights he sought to curtail.

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So, Nish, the question is,

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was Jacob Rees-Mogg born this way or is it more of a lifestyle choice?

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I don't think anyone chooses to be Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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No, I don't think so.

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Well, one thing is sure, Rees-Mogg's eccentricity, posed or authentic,

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provides the perfect cover for some horrifying reactionary values.

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A Mogg premiership would help return Britain to a golden age where

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women were second-class citizens, homosexuality was illegal and

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foreigners, even desperate children, were treated with utter suspicion.

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It will be just like PG Wodehouse's hilarious novel,

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Bertie Erases 100 Years Of Human Progress.

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-Thank you, Nish.

-Thank you very much, Rachel Parris.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, let's take a look at immigration, and apparently that's

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something we need to do, given how often we hear this.

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It's almost inevitable that we need to talk about immigration.

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Who will say anything on this panel about the catastrophe of mass immigration?

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Let's talk about why 640,000 people came last year.

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And given on Wednesday morning the Foreign Secretary said this...

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We also need to ask ourselves some hard questions

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about the impact of 20 years of uncontrolled immigration

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by low-skilled, low-wage workers

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and what many see as the consequent suppression of wages and

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failure to invest properly in the skills of indigenous young people.

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OK, look, saying we need to ask ourselves some hard questions

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implies that we haven't been asking those questions already.

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Is it just me? I feel like all we do is talk about immigration.

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It feels like for most of my adult life the only things

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we talk about are immigration and how we never talk about immigration.

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Also, Bake Off.

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And there was that time when we combined them both

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when Nadiya Hussain was in it and the Daily Mail lost their mind

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and suggested that to win now you had to make something they called a chocolate mosque!

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Chocolate Mosque sounds like Ben & Jerry's are launching

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new flavours to capture the religious market.

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Next it'll be Candyfloss Synagogue and Mint Choc Church.

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So, let's look at how these so-called hard questions

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have already been asked and answered and subsequently ignored.

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In May 2016 the Centre For Economic Performance published

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an exhaustive study on the impact of immigration from the EU

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on the UK between 1995 and 2015.

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The report concluded that EU immigrants had no impact

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on the jobs or wages of UK-born workers, had no negative

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effect on local services such as crime, health and social housing

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and paid more in tax than they took out in welfare and public services.

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The report finds, rather than being the fault of immigrants,

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these problems were the result of the 2008 crash and the slow economic recovery.

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So, why was this ignored? Maybe because facts are boring.

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Basically, the only person we'll tolerate facts from any more is David Attenborough.

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It only took one episode of Blue Planet for him

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to single-handedly end straws.

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He's the first person in history to say, "That's the last straw," and mean it literally.

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Boris Johnson ignored these facts because it clearly would have undermined the Leave campaign.

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In the lead-up to the vote, a pro-Brexit minister, Bernard Jenkin,

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told Newsnight they plan to go on the offensive on immigration.

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The hostility was relentless,

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from the campaign and its supporters in the media.

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The writer Liz Gerard found that between 1st January

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and the date of the referendum, the Daily Mail and the Daily Express

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each published 34 front-page articles about immigration.

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In case you were wondering, none of them were positive.

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There were no headlines like, "Immigrant Saves Boy From Killer Shark,"

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or, "Foreigners Make Lovely Jam."

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The Leave campaign was given a helping hand by years

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of anti-immigration sentiment that had been encouraged by these guys.

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Immigration in this country, as I said,

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was too high and out of control.

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Put simply, Britain was a soft touch.

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We help our citizens get jobs

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instead of more immigration from abroad.

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People want Government to have control over the number

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of people coming here and the circumstances in which they come.

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Cameron and Osborne spent years shifting the blame onto immigrants

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for worsening conditions for British people

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when in fact it was their now discredited programme

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of austerity that was doing just that.

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But when the time came for them to lead a pro-EU campaign,

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the damage had already been done.

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The British electoral study asked around 15,000 voters one key question - what matters to you

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when deciding how to vote in the EU referendum?

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They took the responses and made it into a word cloud.

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This is what the Leave voters' one looked like.

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That does not look like a word cloud.

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That looks like an MRI scan of Nigel Farage's brain.

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We've been subjected to years of lies about immigration,

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and I'm not the only one who thinks so.

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Last month the Home Affairs Select Committee published a paper

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called Immigration Policy: Basis for Building Consensus,

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which said the Government needs to be more proactive

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in challenging myths and inaccuracies and publish more

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factual information about the costs and benefits of immigration.

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And I'm afraid that while this is sound logic,

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it's a tad too late for the Brexit vote.

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It's a bit like shutting the stable door

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after the horse has not only bolted but is now glue.

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And if we're to learn the lessons of the last...

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The horse doesn't exist. Who are you sympathising with?

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If we're to learn the lessons of the last few years,

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to move forward with a proper conversation about immigration

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we need to dispel these myths

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and remember that immigrants are human beings

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that don't deserve to be demonised to appease bigots

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or used to score political points, like these two morons did.

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But the sad fact is that intolerance to immigrants is an easy sell.

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They look different to you and they sound different to you

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so everything must be their fault.

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Countering feeling with facts is difficult, but also some people

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will never listen because their hostilities are purely racist

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and there's no point in me of all people trying to change their minds.

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You never hear someone saying, "You know why I stopped being racist?

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"Because a brown man told me on the iPlayer."

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But what about everyone else?

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Well, if you're trying to get people to take in a large number of facts

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without switching off, there's only one man for the job - David Attenborough.

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Our only hope is that the next series of Blue Planet sounds like this.

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-AS ATTENBOROUGH:

-Here's a weird jellyfish.

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Also what's weird in the decade up to 2011 -

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immigrants from the European economic area

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paid 34% more in taxes than they received in benefits.

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Blammo. You just got Attenboroughed.

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Areas of the UK with large increases in EU immigration

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did not suffer greater falls in the jobs and pay of UK-born workers.

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Those falls were the result of the recession and a slow recovery.

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Tick, tick, boom.

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Turtles just want security for their children.

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You know who else wants security for their children?

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EU citizens being routinely used as a bargaining chip.

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Attenborough out.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's go over to The Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines.

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The latest headlines -

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man takes second sick day for authenticity.

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"We must not betray Brexit,"

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says man who would sell his mum for a sniff of power.

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And snowboarding - just skateboarding for twats in cold places.

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But first, Christians worldwide have been remembering

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the martyrdom of St Pancake of Antioch.

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St Pancake, born in rural Turkey around 500 AD, was a leading

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figure in the Byzantine Church with a reputation for charity and wisdom,

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but it is the manner of his execution for which he is best remembered.

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This week millions re-enacted St Pancake's death agonies.

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He was beaten and battered, then stuffed full of cheese.

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St Pancake was subsequently fried on both sides.

0:18:450:18:50

He was then tossed repeatedly into the air in a cruel mockery

0:18:500:18:55

of his belief that he might one day ascend to heaven or,

0:18:550:18:59

as St Pancake himself described in his text De Recipus,

0:18:590:19:03

"The righteously made shalt adhere to the celestial ceiling."

0:19:030:19:09

A moving tale of sacrifice and deliciousness.

0:19:100:19:14

More from us later. APPLAUSE

0:19:140:19:18

Several recent polls have the Conservatives ahead of the Labour Party,

0:19:210:19:24

including a YouGov survey which suggested the Tories are now four points in front,

0:19:240:19:27

this despite all the infighting, ongoing austerity and the Government's handling of Brexit.

0:19:270:19:31

To tell us where the Labour Party is going wrong,

0:19:310:19:33

it's the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott.

0:19:330:19:37

-Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

-Geoff, you seem pleased.

0:19:410:19:44

-It's brilliant. I'm really enjoying it. Labour are so shit.

-Right.

0:19:440:19:49

I know it's unusual for the party in opposition to be behind at any time,

0:19:490:19:52

let alone during the sort of current turmoil.

0:19:520:19:54

It's weird, isn't it? Corbyn was massive last year.

0:19:540:19:57

This year, nothing. He's like fidget spinners, isn't he?

0:19:570:20:00

Or Pokemon GO.

0:20:010:20:02

There's old Corbachu.

0:20:060:20:08

Which does sound strangely Russian, like most of his ideas.

0:20:080:20:12

I think, you know, ultimately a lot of the problems come from the Labour membership.

0:20:130:20:17

They're stuck with Corbyn, the Labour Party. And he knows that.

0:20:170:20:20

Like all British workers, when they know they cannot be sacked,

0:20:200:20:23

you kick back a bit, don't you? You sort of phone it in.

0:20:230:20:25

He's sitting there thinking, "The membership love me.

0:20:250:20:27

"I don't need to think of any coherent ideas.

0:20:270:20:30

"I'll just sit here and google recipes for chutney."

0:20:300:20:33

-Do you know what I mean?

-Labour have youth on their side.

0:20:330:20:35

I mean, we all remember the sort of great youth quake at the last general election.

0:20:350:20:39

Yeah, and it turns out that youth quake didn't really happen.

0:20:390:20:41

The youth vote only went up by 2.5% so, you know, that's millennials, mate.

0:20:410:20:44

Couldn't even be arsed to turn up to their own statistic.

0:20:440:20:47

But the surge in party membership, that can't be ignored.

0:20:510:20:54

No, that's the biggest problem because you only had to be

0:20:540:20:56

a Labour Party member for 30 seconds and you got to vote for the leader.

0:20:560:20:59

It's harder to vote on Strictly than it is for Labour leader.

0:20:590:21:02

Do you think that their stance on Brexit is helping?

0:21:020:21:05

I don't think Strictly have a stance on Brexit.

0:21:050:21:09

Any other areas of concern?

0:21:090:21:11

Yeah, Labour have also become increasingly identified

0:21:110:21:13

-with, like, identity politics.

-Sure.

0:21:130:21:15

They had this conference up north which initially they planned

0:21:150:21:18

to charge white people more to attend.

0:21:180:21:21

Which is a sort of a great way of offending everybody, isn't it?

0:21:210:21:23

Speaking of which, there has also been a row over

0:21:230:21:25

the Young Labour equalities conference,

0:21:250:21:27

where if you're a straight, white able-bodied male, you can't attend.

0:21:270:21:31

Who's going to put away the chairs, you know?

0:21:310:21:34

I mean, I don't know, Geoff.

0:21:360:21:37

I mean, if there's one thing white guys can do,

0:21:370:21:39

we can put away a chair, Nish.

0:21:390:21:41

Don't take that away from us.

0:21:410:21:42

As a representative of the Asian community, I'll say,

0:21:420:21:45

we'll give it a go.

0:21:450:21:46

LAUGHTER

0:21:460:21:48

We seem to have done all right with medicine.

0:21:480:21:50

All right, fair enough, fair enough.

0:21:580:22:00

But they've also got a problem with the Shadow Cabinet.

0:22:000:22:02

I mean, you have, like, McDonnell,

0:22:020:22:04

you've got Diane Abbott, Emily Thornbury,

0:22:040:22:06

all of whom seem like liabilities to much of middle England.

0:22:060:22:09

Geoff, you say liabilities,

0:22:090:22:10

may I remind you that our current Foreign Secretary is Boris Johnson?

0:22:100:22:14

Agreed. But the alternative is Emily Thornberry.

0:22:140:22:17

She seems like a laugh, but she also seems a couple of bottles of Cava

0:22:170:22:19

and she could start a missile crisis.

0:22:190:22:22

One heavy lunch, we could be balls-deep in Yemen.

0:22:220:22:25

I mean, I'm not sure how that's different from our current policy

0:22:280:22:31

but anyway, continue.

0:22:310:22:32

You know what, actually, their biggest problem is

0:22:320:22:34

in terms of personality, a lot of people focus on Corbyn,

0:22:340:22:37

I think is John McDonnell.

0:22:370:22:38

Let's have a look at the man himself. Looking scary as ever.

0:22:380:22:42

He's the Shadow Chancellor and, some would say, a raging Communist.

0:22:420:22:45

He's the Shadow Chancellor, he doesn't even like money.

0:22:450:22:48

That's like putting a vegan in charge of the barbecue.

0:22:480:22:51

Great, everyone's getting grilled red peppers tonight.

0:22:510:22:54

No lamb chops for anybody.

0:22:540:22:55

-That's how socialism works, basically.

-Is it?

0:22:550:22:58

-Yeah.

-Is that really...?

-Yeah, that is exactly how socialism works.

-OK.

0:22:580:23:03

You can't just say that, you have to back this up.

0:23:030:23:05

What has he done to make you think

0:23:050:23:06

-that he is some sort of secret revolutionary?

-Loads.

0:23:060:23:09

He stood in front of Communist flags at a May Day rally.

0:23:090:23:12

He was filmed giving a talk at a Marxist training camp.

0:23:120:23:14

And you know that poster all lefties have of Che Guevara?

0:23:140:23:17

-Right.

-Yeah, his is signed.

0:23:170:23:18

-His safe word is Stalin.

-OK.

0:23:190:23:21

If he's such a radical,

0:23:230:23:24

why are businesses queueing up to have lunch with him?

0:23:240:23:26

Basically, CEOs want to know exactly how long they've got

0:23:260:23:29

before they've got to flee the country, you know.

0:23:290:23:31

Come on, Nish, if Piers Morgan became director general of the BBC,

0:23:310:23:34

you'd have a little lunch, wouldn't you, find out where his head's at?

0:23:340:23:38

I mean, build some bridges.

0:23:380:23:39

With Piers Morgan I'm pretty sure

0:23:390:23:41

I know exactly where his head is at, and...

0:23:410:23:43

LAUGHTER

0:23:430:23:45

WHOOPING

0:23:450:23:47

Look, Geoff, not that you'd want to help them, but do you have

0:23:480:23:52

any advice on how Labour can get themselves out of this mess?

0:23:520:23:55

Well, yeah, I do have a few things.

0:23:550:23:57

-Number one, just forget about the northerners.

-What?!

0:23:570:23:59

You'll never keep them happy. It's actually impossible.

0:23:590:24:02

Just cut 'em adrift and focus on the NutriBullet wankers down south.

0:24:020:24:05

That would be my...

0:24:050:24:07

OK, anything else that doesn't somehow manage to offend

0:24:070:24:10

the entire country?

0:24:100:24:11

Uh, yeah. Bring back Ed Miliband. That would be the...

0:24:110:24:15

-OK, so you think he'd do better?

-No, I just think it'd be a laugh.

0:24:150:24:17

I am not having this, Geoff.

0:24:200:24:21

Before you go I want one constructive piece of advice.

0:24:210:24:23

That's what you said you'd come here to do,

0:24:230:24:25

we want one piece of advice.

0:24:250:24:27

I'd just be honest about who Jeremy Corbyn is.

0:24:270:24:29

Just say, yes, he does want to leave the EU.

0:24:290:24:31

And we know he's just an old trot who likes pissing about

0:24:310:24:34

in the allotment, knitting protest banners

0:24:340:24:36

and blaming Thatcher cos his telly doesn't work.

0:24:360:24:38

Geoff, Corbyn at least has captured people who weren't necessarily

0:24:380:24:42

engaged in politics before.

0:24:420:24:43

I mean, look at Grime4Corbyn. Look at that as a movement.

0:24:430:24:45

No, the youth stuff is bollocks, right.

0:24:450:24:47

He doesn't know jack shit about grime music.

0:24:470:24:49

When they said Stormzy's coming,

0:24:490:24:51

he said "Ooh, better get the washing in, then."

0:24:510:24:52

Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

0:24:540:24:56

-Cheers, thank you.

-APPLAUSE

0:24:560:24:58

Geoff, nice one, mate.

0:24:580:25:00

The latest headlines.

0:25:050:25:06

John McDonnell banned from Monopoly

0:25:060:25:08

after nationalising all the utilities.

0:25:080:25:11

Other drinks cans think San Pellegrino is an arsehole.

0:25:130:25:16

And miracle cat knows when old people are about to be racist.

0:25:190:25:23

But first, it's emerged a woman who says,

0:25:270:25:30

"You'll either love me or you'll hate me," is universally hated.

0:25:300:25:33

Donna Sheridan, aged 24, believes her blunt-speaking

0:25:360:25:40

no-nonsense approach to life wins her friends and enemies alike,

0:25:400:25:43

despite it never having won her any friends.

0:25:430:25:47

We spoke to Donna earlier.

0:25:470:25:49

I take no prisoners. I don't take crap from anyone.

0:25:490:25:51

I'm real and I tell it like it is.

0:25:510:25:53

And if you don't like me, then that is your problem.

0:25:530:25:56

I split people down the middle, I'm a strong personality.

0:25:560:25:59

Like, I've always done everything on my own, I haven't had any help

0:25:590:26:02

from anybody.

0:26:020:26:03

So at the end of the day, it's, like, if you can't drag yourself up,

0:26:030:26:07

I'm not going to drag you up, you know what I mean?

0:26:070:26:09

Like, everything I've done, I've done my own

0:26:090:26:12

and at the end of the day I'm not apologising for that,

0:26:120:26:14

and I don't think I should have to.

0:26:140:26:16

So, sorry, if your ego can't take it but I can take it,

0:26:160:26:20

I'm willing to step out and be that person.

0:26:200:26:22

So, sorry not-sorry.

0:26:220:26:24

Everyone hates her.

0:26:260:26:28

That's all from us.

0:26:290:26:30

Let's quickly go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall

0:26:360:26:39

to pick up on your comments and queries about all the stories coming in.

0:26:390:26:42

-Rachel!

-Thanks, Nish.

0:26:420:26:43

Obviously, earlier on I criticised a leading Brexiteer

0:26:430:26:47

so I am getting a lot of tweets calling me a snowflake bitch.

0:26:470:26:50

Which the Mash digital team are telling me is great engagement

0:26:510:26:56

so please do keep those coming in.

0:26:560:26:59

One of the less-rabidly insane tweets has been coming in from

0:26:590:27:01

Jacobs Stepladder who says...

0:27:010:27:04

What a lovely name.

0:27:140:27:16

Apparently, they call him Six Dom Bon Chris for short.

0:27:160:27:19

-Did you know that, Nish?

-I don't and I don't think that's true.

0:27:190:27:23

Another powerful political tweet here,

0:27:230:27:25

this time about the Labour leader...

0:27:250:27:27

It continues...

0:27:350:27:36

It's nice to have Tony Blair back in politics, isn't it, Nish?

0:27:410:27:44

It's like he was never away.

0:27:440:27:46

And UmbongoUmbongo They Drink It In Cheltenham says...

0:27:460:27:50

LAUGHTER

0:27:590:28:01

A classic night in.

0:28:060:28:07

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

0:28:090:28:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:13

That's all for us.

0:28:130:28:14

Don't forget to tune in to our spin-off show,

0:28:140:28:16

The Mash Report Extra Serving starting right now in my own mind.

0:28:160:28:20

Goodnight!

0:28:200:28:21

With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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