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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:08 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Thank you. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, and what a week it's been. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:32 | |
In a speech on Wednesday, Boris Johnson offered up his liberal version of Brexit. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:37 | |
Johnson claimed his speech would offer hope and optimism. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Look, let's face it, it's easy for Boris Johnson to be optimistic - | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
you would be too if your life was just basically being | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
terrible at your job and then immediately getting a better job. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
The way things are going, if Brexit goes badly enough, he's going to end up being the next James Bond. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:54 | |
Who else could be Boris Johnson's Bond girl other than Boris Johnson? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
It's not the biggest stretch in the world, at the end of the day. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Boris Johnson and James Bond are both privately educated, | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
wealthy white men who have complicated relationships | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
with women and ethnic minorities. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
Remember that? When James Bond disguised himself as Japanese | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
and everyone was like, "That is...normal." | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
The speech offered nothing but empty rhetoric | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
and nothing about what Brexit would actually involve. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
And that's what people are worried about now, | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
especially in the week the Home Office announced, | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
in order to cope with the changes to our immigration system | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
after leaving the EU, it's going to require a system | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
that they said is almost certainly not going to be ready in time. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
When it comes to Brexit, why is nothing ever ready in time? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Why on earth did we just trigger Article 50 | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
without any thought of whether the two-year time period | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
would be enough to get everything sorted? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
So we're currently about to miss an unrealistic deadline that we set ourselves. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
That's like deciding you're going to achieve | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
all your New Year's resolutions by 2nd January. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
It sounds like a good idea but it's all going to end up with you on a treadmill screaming, | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
"This clarinet has too many buttons and Spanish is muy difficulto." | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
The news this week was dominated by the appalling | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
allegations of bullying, harassment | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
and inappropriate sexual behaviour carried out by Oxfam workers. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
Initial accusations centred around Roland van Hauwermeiren | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
and his team who were assigned to Haiti after the 2010 earthquake. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Oxfam then allowed some of them to resign. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
They faced no criminal investigation | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
and in some cases were able to go and work for other charities. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
And now allegations are starting to spread to other Oxfam projects around the world. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
The Guardian described it as the aid sector's #MeToo moment, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
although given that it's the aid sector, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
it's not so much #MeToo as it is | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
#you too seriously you're supposed to be helping people | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
are you fucking kidding me everything is terrible. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
This is clearly a horrific story. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Some of the responses have been very strange. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
Trevor Kavanagh, writing in The Sun, | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
took the opportunity to seemingly attack the concept of charity. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
He describes charity as one of Britain's dirtiest secrets. | 0:02:56 | 0:03:00 | |
And then said, "Big charity and corruption go together like mosquitoes and malaria." | 0:03:00 | 0:03:06 | |
Look, nobody is denying that Oxfam have behaved appallingly | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
and there needs to be a serious investigation into how these | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
abuses and cover-ups have been allowed to happen, | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
and questions need to be asked. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
But those questions do not include, "Is charity good? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
"Should we have charities? | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
"And is Pudsey a freeloading little shit? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
"I bet he's got a healthy eye behind that patch." | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Now over to the Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
The latest headlines. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Jamie Oliver's restaurants in trouble as it emerges he's not Italian. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:42 | |
Teenage love poet wondering what rhymes with boner. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
And savoury pancakes are bullshit, says Pope. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
But first, now that Valentine's Day is over, a married couple | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
are relieved they don't have to have sex again until his birthday. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
Kenneth Kramer romanced his wife, Joanna, | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
with mid-priced Belgian chocolates. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
The couple then endured five minutes of adequate lovemaking | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
in the missionary position before resuming | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
their comfortable brother-and-sister dynamic. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
-We've been married for about five years. -Is it? -Yes. -Gosh. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
So at this point it takes a good few months to gear ourselves up | 0:04:21 | 0:04:26 | |
-to see each other naked, doesn't it? -Yes, absolutely. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
I mean, just the idea of it... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
-Yes! -But once we get going, it is fine. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
-Oh, absolutely. -Really quite lovely and... -Really good. Yes. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Because I can think about Natalie Imbruglia and... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
-Who is it you pretend I am, again, sweetheart? -Your brother Stephen. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Yes. My brother Stephen. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
But we've got it out the way now so we don't have to do it again | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
-until anyone's birthday. -Yes, and that's not until November. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
-BOTH: Phewee! -Oh, sorry! | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Now I can go back to seeing you as a totally asexual housemaid | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
whose bowel movements I overhear every morning. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
And I can go back to touching myself in the shower. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
-Happy Valentine's Day, darling. -Happy Valentine's Day. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
-Ha-ha. Yes, yes. -How nice. -Yes. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
And now for a special Winter Olympics bulletin from Nathan, | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
who's track-side in Pyeongchang, | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
where it's been an exciting day for Finland's Rinsu Skrnsson, | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
taking the gold in the 2 x 4,000m uphill Nordic skjord. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:31 | |
Skrnsson came in at 16 hours 28 seconds and 14 trees, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:36 | |
a mere one hundredth of a tree ahead of Sweden's Grunter Halbordshmardonsonson. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
But it was a day of mixed fortunes for the Finns after Hedia Trykkso | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
and Dugya Hylvs were disqualified from the Chamsark ice fluting after a flagrant triple byerk. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:51 | |
I understand there was upset in the men's byuutobarg, | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
with Sweden's Rinsu Baumborg snapping his skenssohn | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
in a collision with team-mate Bampoo Bampbap. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Actually, the real surprise came in the women's husky svekkling. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Neurnberg Bernruug wowed the crowd with a 12 metre triple skruuntraag, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
then immediately announced she was quitting sport to go feral. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
I understand Nether Grengahd was leading in the svekkling until the | 0:06:15 | 0:06:20 | |
lead husky, Svelborg, succumbed to pelt rot in the final rhedlung. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
Yes, the husky unfortunately took an early sauna, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
or as we say in Britain, they shot it. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
Thanks, Nathan. We'll be back with more later. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
This week Jacob Rees-Mogg has quietly become | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
the bookies' favourite to succeed embattled Prime Minister Theresa May | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
as leader of the Conservative Party. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Taking a look at the man behind the headlines, please welcome Rachel Parris. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Thank you, that's right, Nish. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
Lots of people have been getting in touch to ask, | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
"Who is this plucky upstart Jacob Rees-Mogg? | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
"And is he as much fun as he seems?" | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Well, the answer is yes, Nish. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
Jacob Rees-Mogg is a huge amount of fun - quintessentially English | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
and old-fashioned. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
A delightful Bertie Wooster-esque eccentric. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
Jeeves and Wooster, Downton Abbey, The Crown. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
British people love throwbacks to a simpler time | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
when the upper classes ruled over us with patronising benevolence. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
-Nish, do you like being patronised? -No. -No? I think you'll find you do. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
Is there more to Mogg than this old-fashioned facade? | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
People are really engaging with Mogg's authenticity. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
He's not afraid to be traditional | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
and vote with his deeply held Christian beliefs. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
So, let's take a quick look at this aristocrat millionaire's voting record. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
Now, as you can see here, | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
he consistently votes against gay rights, | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
women's reproductive rights, human rights and equality! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
He's an absolute rotter, isn't he, Nish? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Just like Bertie Wooster in PG Wodehouse's acclaimed novels | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
Bertie And The Disabled Scrounger | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
and Don't Be Gay, Jeeves! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Rees-Mogg attributes many of his opinions to his Catholic faith. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
He has talked candidly about how his religion dictates | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
that he opposes same-sex marriage. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
He also opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:28 | |
Oh, hang on! I've just seen this jaunty photo of him! | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
-LAUGHS -Such a card, I love him! | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
So, Rees-Mogg does seem to rather cherry pick | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
parts of the Bible to follow. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
He is oddly obsessed by the traditional marriage bit but not | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
so worried about all of the taking care of the poor and the meek. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
You see, Jesus was famously quite pro meek... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:57 | |
..whereas Mogg is an unashamed meek sceptic. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
He voted to block unaccompanied child refugees | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
in Calais from finding safety in the UK. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Thinking about it, Rees-Mogg would have absolutely hated Jesus. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
He was an immigrant who could walk on water! Argh! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
-It's the worst nightmare! -APPLAUSE | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
-No passport control for the son of God. -Absolutely not. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:27 | |
Now, the English love wordplay | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
and he's even got a half-hearted pun on his own name - Moggmentum. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
It's a play on the Labour organisation Momentum | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
but it's got Mogg inside it, which isn't something any of us want. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
So, let's just take a Moggment to look at his attitude | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
to women's reproductive rights. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
One thing people really like about Mogg is that he's very polite, | 0:09:47 | 0:09:51 | |
and when asked whether abortion should be opposed in every case, | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
he replied, "I'm afraid so." Lovely. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
Well, etiquette is everything when it comes to who controls my womb. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
I've always been very clear on that, Nish. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
Another thing that people love about the pro-life Etonian | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
is that he is unapologetic about his views. And I can understand that. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
When people hold terrible views that can ruin people's lives, | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
the last thing you want is an apology. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
And you know who else was famously unapologetic in their views? | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
All of the bad people in history. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
Indeed, Jacob Rees-Mogg stated in an interview, "I am what I am." | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
Echoing the voices of gay people across the world whose rights he sought to curtail. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:41 | |
So, Nish, the question is, | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
was Jacob Rees-Mogg born this way or is it more of a lifestyle choice? | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
I don't think anyone chooses to be Jacob Rees-Mogg. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
No, I don't think so. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Well, one thing is sure, Rees-Mogg's eccentricity, posed or authentic, | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
provides the perfect cover for some horrifying reactionary values. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:03 | |
A Mogg premiership would help return Britain to a golden age where | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
women were second-class citizens, homosexuality was illegal and | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
foreigners, even desperate children, were treated with utter suspicion. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
It will be just like PG Wodehouse's hilarious novel, | 0:11:12 | 0:11:16 | |
Bertie Erases 100 Years Of Human Progress. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
-Thank you, Nish. -Thank you very much, Rachel Parris. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
So, let's take a look at immigration, and apparently that's | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
something we need to do, given how often we hear this. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
It's almost inevitable that we need to talk about immigration. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
Who will say anything on this panel about the catastrophe of mass immigration? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:41 | |
Let's talk about why 640,000 people came last year. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:45 | |
And given on Wednesday morning the Foreign Secretary said this... | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
We also need to ask ourselves some hard questions | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
about the impact of 20 years of uncontrolled immigration | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
by low-skilled, low-wage workers | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
and what many see as the consequent suppression of wages and | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
failure to invest properly in the skills of indigenous young people. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:05 | |
OK, look, saying we need to ask ourselves some hard questions | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
implies that we haven't been asking those questions already. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
Is it just me? I feel like all we do is talk about immigration. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
It feels like for most of my adult life the only things | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
we talk about are immigration and how we never talk about immigration. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
Also, Bake Off. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
And there was that time when we combined them both | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
when Nadiya Hussain was in it and the Daily Mail lost their mind | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
and suggested that to win now you had to make something they called a chocolate mosque! | 0:12:31 | 0:12:36 | |
Chocolate Mosque sounds like Ben & Jerry's are launching | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
new flavours to capture the religious market. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Next it'll be Candyfloss Synagogue and Mint Choc Church. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
So, let's look at how these so-called hard questions | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
have already been asked and answered and subsequently ignored. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
In May 2016 the Centre For Economic Performance published | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
an exhaustive study on the impact of immigration from the EU | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
on the UK between 1995 and 2015. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
The report concluded that EU immigrants had no impact | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
on the jobs or wages of UK-born workers, had no negative | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
effect on local services such as crime, health and social housing | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
and paid more in tax than they took out in welfare and public services. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:20 | |
The report finds, rather than being the fault of immigrants, | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
these problems were the result of the 2008 crash and the slow economic recovery. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:28 | |
So, why was this ignored? Maybe because facts are boring. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
Basically, the only person we'll tolerate facts from any more is David Attenborough. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
It only took one episode of Blue Planet for him | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
to single-handedly end straws. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
He's the first person in history to say, "That's the last straw," and mean it literally. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:45 | |
Boris Johnson ignored these facts because it clearly would have undermined the Leave campaign. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
In the lead-up to the vote, a pro-Brexit minister, Bernard Jenkin, | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
told Newsnight they plan to go on the offensive on immigration. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
The hostility was relentless, | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
from the campaign and its supporters in the media. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
The writer Liz Gerard found that between 1st January | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
and the date of the referendum, the Daily Mail and the Daily Express | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
each published 34 front-page articles about immigration. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
In case you were wondering, none of them were positive. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
There were no headlines like, "Immigrant Saves Boy From Killer Shark," | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
or, "Foreigners Make Lovely Jam." | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
The Leave campaign was given a helping hand by years | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
of anti-immigration sentiment that had been encouraged by these guys. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Immigration in this country, as I said, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
was too high and out of control. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Put simply, Britain was a soft touch. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
We help our citizens get jobs | 0:14:35 | 0:14:36 | |
instead of more immigration from abroad. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
People want Government to have control over the number | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
of people coming here and the circumstances in which they come. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:48 | |
Cameron and Osborne spent years shifting the blame onto immigrants | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
for worsening conditions for British people | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
when in fact it was their now discredited programme | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
of austerity that was doing just that. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
But when the time came for them to lead a pro-EU campaign, | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
the damage had already been done. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
The British electoral study asked around 15,000 voters one key question - what matters to you | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
when deciding how to vote in the EU referendum? | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
They took the responses and made it into a word cloud. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
This is what the Leave voters' one looked like. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
That does not look like a word cloud. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
That looks like an MRI scan of Nigel Farage's brain. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
We've been subjected to years of lies about immigration, | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
and I'm not the only one who thinks so. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:28 | |
Last month the Home Affairs Select Committee published a paper | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
called Immigration Policy: Basis for Building Consensus, | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
which said the Government needs to be more proactive | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
in challenging myths and inaccuracies and publish more | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
factual information about the costs and benefits of immigration. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
And I'm afraid that while this is sound logic, | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
it's a tad too late for the Brexit vote. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
It's a bit like shutting the stable door | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
after the horse has not only bolted but is now glue. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
And if we're to learn the lessons of the last... | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
The horse doesn't exist. Who are you sympathising with? | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
If we're to learn the lessons of the last few years, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
to move forward with a proper conversation about immigration | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
we need to dispel these myths | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
and remember that immigrants are human beings | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
that don't deserve to be demonised to appease bigots | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
or used to score political points, like these two morons did. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
But the sad fact is that intolerance to immigrants is an easy sell. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:18 | |
They look different to you and they sound different to you | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
so everything must be their fault. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
Countering feeling with facts is difficult, but also some people | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
will never listen because their hostilities are purely racist | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
and there's no point in me of all people trying to change their minds. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
You never hear someone saying, "You know why I stopped being racist? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
"Because a brown man told me on the iPlayer." | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
But what about everyone else? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Well, if you're trying to get people to take in a large number of facts | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
without switching off, there's only one man for the job - David Attenborough. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:50 | |
Our only hope is that the next series of Blue Planet sounds like this. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
-AS ATTENBOROUGH: -Here's a weird jellyfish. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Also what's weird in the decade up to 2011 - | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
immigrants from the European economic area | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
paid 34% more in taxes than they received in benefits. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:09 | |
Blammo. You just got Attenboroughed. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
Areas of the UK with large increases in EU immigration | 0:17:13 | 0:17:18 | |
did not suffer greater falls in the jobs and pay of UK-born workers. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:23 | |
Those falls were the result of the recession and a slow recovery. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:28 | |
Tick, tick, boom. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Turtles just want security for their children. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
You know who else wants security for their children? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
EU citizens being routinely used as a bargaining chip. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Attenborough out. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
Let's go over to The Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
The latest headlines - | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
man takes second sick day for authenticity. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
"We must not betray Brexit," | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
says man who would sell his mum for a sniff of power. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
And snowboarding - just skateboarding for twats in cold places. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
But first, Christians worldwide have been remembering | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
the martyrdom of St Pancake of Antioch. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
St Pancake, born in rural Turkey around 500 AD, was a leading | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
figure in the Byzantine Church with a reputation for charity and wisdom, | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
but it is the manner of his execution for which he is best remembered. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
This week millions re-enacted St Pancake's death agonies. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
He was beaten and battered, then stuffed full of cheese. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
St Pancake was subsequently fried on both sides. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:50 | |
He was then tossed repeatedly into the air in a cruel mockery | 0:18:50 | 0:18:55 | |
of his belief that he might one day ascend to heaven or, | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
as St Pancake himself described in his text De Recipus, | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
"The righteously made shalt adhere to the celestial ceiling." | 0:19:03 | 0:19:09 | |
A moving tale of sacrifice and deliciousness. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:14 | |
More from us later. APPLAUSE | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
Several recent polls have the Conservatives ahead of the Labour Party, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
including a YouGov survey which suggested the Tories are now four points in front, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
this despite all the infighting, ongoing austerity and the Government's handling of Brexit. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
To tell us where the Labour Party is going wrong, | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
it's the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:37 | |
-Thank you, thank you. Thank you. -Geoff, you seem pleased. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
-It's brilliant. I'm really enjoying it. Labour are so shit. -Right. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:49 | |
I know it's unusual for the party in opposition to be behind at any time, | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
let alone during the sort of current turmoil. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
It's weird, isn't it? Corbyn was massive last year. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
This year, nothing. He's like fidget spinners, isn't he? | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
Or Pokemon GO. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:02 | |
There's old Corbachu. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Which does sound strangely Russian, like most of his ideas. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
I think, you know, ultimately a lot of the problems come from the Labour membership. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
They're stuck with Corbyn, the Labour Party. And he knows that. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
Like all British workers, when they know they cannot be sacked, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
you kick back a bit, don't you? You sort of phone it in. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
He's sitting there thinking, "The membership love me. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
"I don't need to think of any coherent ideas. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
"I'll just sit here and google recipes for chutney." | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
-Do you know what I mean? -Labour have youth on their side. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
I mean, we all remember the sort of great youth quake at the last general election. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
Yeah, and it turns out that youth quake didn't really happen. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
The youth vote only went up by 2.5% so, you know, that's millennials, mate. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
Couldn't even be arsed to turn up to their own statistic. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
But the surge in party membership, that can't be ignored. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
No, that's the biggest problem because you only had to be | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
a Labour Party member for 30 seconds and you got to vote for the leader. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
It's harder to vote on Strictly than it is for Labour leader. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
Do you think that their stance on Brexit is helping? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
I don't think Strictly have a stance on Brexit. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
Any other areas of concern? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
Yeah, Labour have also become increasingly identified | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
-with, like, identity politics. -Sure. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
They had this conference up north which initially they planned | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
to charge white people more to attend. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
Which is a sort of a great way of offending everybody, isn't it? | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
Speaking of which, there has also been a row over | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
the Young Labour equalities conference, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
where if you're a straight, white able-bodied male, you can't attend. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
Who's going to put away the chairs, you know? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
I mean, I don't know, Geoff. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
I mean, if there's one thing white guys can do, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
we can put away a chair, Nish. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Don't take that away from us. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
As a representative of the Asian community, I'll say, | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
we'll give it a go. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
We seem to have done all right with medicine. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
All right, fair enough, fair enough. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
But they've also got a problem with the Shadow Cabinet. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
I mean, you have, like, McDonnell, | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
you've got Diane Abbott, Emily Thornbury, | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
all of whom seem like liabilities to much of middle England. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
Geoff, you say liabilities, | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
may I remind you that our current Foreign Secretary is Boris Johnson? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:14 | |
Agreed. But the alternative is Emily Thornberry. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
She seems like a laugh, but she also seems a couple of bottles of Cava | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
and she could start a missile crisis. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
One heavy lunch, we could be balls-deep in Yemen. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
I mean, I'm not sure how that's different from our current policy | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
but anyway, continue. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:32 | |
You know what, actually, their biggest problem is | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
in terms of personality, a lot of people focus on Corbyn, | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
I think is John McDonnell. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
Let's have a look at the man himself. Looking scary as ever. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
He's the Shadow Chancellor and, some would say, a raging Communist. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
He's the Shadow Chancellor, he doesn't even like money. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
That's like putting a vegan in charge of the barbecue. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
Great, everyone's getting grilled red peppers tonight. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
No lamb chops for anybody. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:55 | |
-That's how socialism works, basically. -Is it? | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
-Yeah. -Is that really...? -Yeah, that is exactly how socialism works. -OK. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:03 | |
You can't just say that, you have to back this up. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
What has he done to make you think | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
-that he is some sort of secret revolutionary? -Loads. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
He stood in front of Communist flags at a May Day rally. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
He was filmed giving a talk at a Marxist training camp. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
And you know that poster all lefties have of Che Guevara? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
-Right. -Yeah, his is signed. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
-His safe word is Stalin. -OK. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
If he's such a radical, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
why are businesses queueing up to have lunch with him? | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
Basically, CEOs want to know exactly how long they've got | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
before they've got to flee the country, you know. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Come on, Nish, if Piers Morgan became director general of the BBC, | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
you'd have a little lunch, wouldn't you, find out where his head's at? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
I mean, build some bridges. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
With Piers Morgan I'm pretty sure | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
I know exactly where his head is at, and... | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
WHOOPING | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
Look, Geoff, not that you'd want to help them, but do you have | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
any advice on how Labour can get themselves out of this mess? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
Well, yeah, I do have a few things. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
-Number one, just forget about the northerners. -What?! | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
You'll never keep them happy. It's actually impossible. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
Just cut 'em adrift and focus on the NutriBullet wankers down south. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
That would be my... | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
OK, anything else that doesn't somehow manage to offend | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
the entire country? | 0:24:10 | 0:24:11 | |
Uh, yeah. Bring back Ed Miliband. That would be the... | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
-OK, so you think he'd do better? -No, I just think it'd be a laugh. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
I am not having this, Geoff. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:21 | |
Before you go I want one constructive piece of advice. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
That's what you said you'd come here to do, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
we want one piece of advice. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
I'd just be honest about who Jeremy Corbyn is. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
Just say, yes, he does want to leave the EU. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
And we know he's just an old trot who likes pissing about | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
in the allotment, knitting protest banners | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
and blaming Thatcher cos his telly doesn't work. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
Geoff, Corbyn at least has captured people who weren't necessarily | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
engaged in politics before. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:43 | |
I mean, look at Grime4Corbyn. Look at that as a movement. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
No, the youth stuff is bollocks, right. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
He doesn't know jack shit about grime music. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
When they said Stormzy's coming, | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
he said "Ooh, better get the washing in, then." | 0:24:51 | 0:24:52 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott! | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
-Cheers, thank you. -APPLAUSE | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
Geoff, nice one, mate. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
The latest headlines. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:06 | |
John McDonnell banned from Monopoly | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
after nationalising all the utilities. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Other drinks cans think San Pellegrino is an arsehole. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
And miracle cat knows when old people are about to be racist. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
But first, it's emerged a woman who says, | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
"You'll either love me or you'll hate me," is universally hated. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
Donna Sheridan, aged 24, believes her blunt-speaking | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
no-nonsense approach to life wins her friends and enemies alike, | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
despite it never having won her any friends. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
We spoke to Donna earlier. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
I take no prisoners. I don't take crap from anyone. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
I'm real and I tell it like it is. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
And if you don't like me, then that is your problem. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
I split people down the middle, I'm a strong personality. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Like, I've always done everything on my own, I haven't had any help | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
from anybody. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:03 | |
So at the end of the day, it's, like, if you can't drag yourself up, | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
I'm not going to drag you up, you know what I mean? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
Like, everything I've done, I've done my own | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
and at the end of the day I'm not apologising for that, | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
and I don't think I should have to. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
So, sorry, if your ego can't take it but I can take it, | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
I'm willing to step out and be that person. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
So, sorry not-sorry. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Everyone hates her. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
That's all from us. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
Let's quickly go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
to pick up on your comments and queries about all the stories coming in. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
-Rachel! -Thanks, Nish. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:43 | |
Obviously, earlier on I criticised a leading Brexiteer | 0:26:43 | 0:26:47 | |
so I am getting a lot of tweets calling me a snowflake bitch. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
Which the Mash digital team are telling me is great engagement | 0:26:51 | 0:26:56 | |
so please do keep those coming in. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
One of the less-rabidly insane tweets has been coming in from | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Jacobs Stepladder who says... | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
What a lovely name. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
Apparently, they call him Six Dom Bon Chris for short. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
-Did you know that, Nish? -I don't and I don't think that's true. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
Another powerful political tweet here, | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
this time about the Labour leader... | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
It continues... | 0:27:35 | 0:27:36 | |
It's nice to have Tony Blair back in politics, isn't it, Nish? | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
It's like he was never away. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
And UmbongoUmbongo They Drink It In Cheltenham says... | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
A classic night in. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:07 | |
-Back to you, Nish. -Thank you, Rachel Parris! | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
That's all for us. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:14 | |
Don't forget to tune in to our spin-off show, | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
The Mash Report Extra Serving starting right now in my own mind. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
Goodnight! | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 |