Episode 6 The Mash Report


Episode 6

With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, whoa!

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Hello!

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Hello, and welcome to The Mash Report,

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and listen, it's been a hell of a week.

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Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was urged to release his Stasi file

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after allegations arose that he briefed a Czechoslovakian spy

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during the Cold War.

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These claims have been thrown into doubt by the absence

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of any actual facts,

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and the man who made them also claimed to have organised Live Aid

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and that he knew what Margaret Thatcher would wear every day.

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The first claim - mad. The second - pointless.

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Margaret Thatcher wore a blue suit every day.

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That's like saying, "I know what Nish Kumar's going to wear

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"when he hosts The Mash Report."

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Yeah!

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It's the same suit every time. We only bought one.

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To be honest, we didn't think this show would last this long.

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Look, if you're going to attack Jeremy Corbyn about anything,

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attack him on stuff that he's actually done -

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his failure to deal with Labour's anti-Semitism problem,

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the lack of clarity on his party's Brexit position.

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Don't attack him on something that probably didn't happen

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and that makes him sound cooler.

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Nobody says Theresa May's a bad Prime Minister

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because she's too busy working part-time as Robocop.

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There is no way that Corbyn is a spy.

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He's a boring bloke from Islington with an allotment

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that no-one would ever suspect... Oh, my God, it's the perfect cover!

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He's a spy, goddammit!

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Also this week...

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Also this week, there was great news for the romantics amongst us.

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Ukip leader Henry Bolton was ousted from the party

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and he got back together with his girlfriend, who caused controversy

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when she was found to have sent racist texts about Meghan Markle.

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You know what? It's a tale as old as time.

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Boy meets girl, girl sends inflammatory text message,

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boy breaks up with girl, boy loses no-confidence vote,

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boy loses second no-confidence vote, boy loses leadership,

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boy gets back together with girl,

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and they both live racistly ever after.

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And now, over to the Mash News Desk for the latest headlines.

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The latest headlines.

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Trump goes to see Black Panther movie, says,

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"A lot of good characters on both sides."

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KFC customers shocked to discover it's actually chicken.

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And man who looks at porn most nights

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worries about what his kids are up to on the internet.

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But first, a couple who watched an extremely tedious televised

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awards ceremony have no idea why they did it.

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Stephen and Laura Malley still cannot understand why they spent

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nearly three hours watching actors verbally toss each other off.

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Honestly, I don't know how it happened.

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We just put the telly on, and instead of Emmerdale,

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it was a roomful of people in suits,

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and I just kept thinking, "Why is there a funeral on telly?"

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-I would have preferred a funeral.

-Yeah. Nothing happened.

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I mean, they clap a bit and go up some steps,

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-then they get a thing, or whatever...

-A metal thing.

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..and they say, "Oh, thanks very much."

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-And there's a tall, posh lady made a joke...

-That was Tom Hiddleston.

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-Was it?

-Anyway, somehow, we watched it all.

-All of it.

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The time just disappeared,

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it was like we'd been abducted by a UFO, except it was very boring.

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Actors? Sorry, but they really are just a bunch of vain,

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attention-seeking wankers.

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I mean, last night, he congratulated me on making a very good lasagne,

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but I didn't film it and then put it on the telly.

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No, but you did put a picture of it on Facebook, didn't you?

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-Yes, I did.

-It got 15 likes.

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-Actually, it got 18.

-No, it didn't.

-Yeah, it did.

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We'll be back with more later.

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Now, let's go over to the social media wall for Rachel Parris.

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CHEERING

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Thank you, Nish.

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Now, there has been a lot of coverage recently about how

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young people are a bunch of weak, entitled snowflakes.

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Millennials are entitled, they're lazy, they're weak,

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they're the me, me, me generation.

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And of course, they spend all of their money on avocados,

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which is a sort of savoury pear that costs the same amount as a house.

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Now, many of the accusations of snowflakery centre upon

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people who find everything offensive -

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non-Mexicans wearing sombreros, the sitcom Friends,

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opinions about transgender issues.

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And of course, we shouldn't be shutting down free speech,

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even when it's deemed distasteful. Of all human rights,

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the right to offend people is one of my absolute favourites.

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For example - shut up, Nish, you tedious, leftie ballbag!

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You don't get a lot of "ballbag" these days.

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You don't!

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I don't. Er...

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..but the snowflake accusation is also being used to discredit anyone

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who worries about equality, or looks to improve the lot of humans.

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Like Lily Allen - she was branded Snowflake of the Year

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by the Telegraph for crying over unaccompanied children

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in Calais being abandoned by the British Government.

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Crying? In the presence of a small homeless child?

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How weak is she, the compassionate twat?!

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Am I right, Nish?

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Er, um... No.

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Er, most recently, students who have spoken out about gun control

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in the wake of the mass shooting at the school in Florida have been

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attacked on Twitter for being "snowflakes".

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That's actually one of the survivors being called a snowflake.

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The argument goes that if you complain about horror,

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injustice or equality, then you're self-pitying and pathetic.

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Only this week, Matthew Parris in the Times said that the Me Too

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movement was about self-pitying and gaining "victim status".

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Matthew moaned that too much of the media

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was devoted to women moaning too much, and we know this

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because he moaned about it in the Times, and then moaned

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about it in the Spectator, and finally moaned about it on Radio 4.

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That is a man who needs a safe space.

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You see,

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there is a determined campaign to conflate people being

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a bit squeamish about offensive ideas and language

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with people legitimately demanding change.

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And the truth is,

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history's absolutely littered with dreadful snowflakes.

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Martin Luther King was a famous hand-wringing liberal, who got

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all hysterical about the persecution of black people in America.

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He had a dream about little kiddies playing together.

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Stop dreaming and do some bloody work, you hipster!

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And of course, then there was Mahatma Gandhi -

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a vegan, quelle surprise!

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So, Gandhi didn't like his people being oppressed,

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so he kept refusing his food.

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What an ungrateful hippy!

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So, millennials and post-millennials -

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you are all apparently entitled narcissists,

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even as you will be the first generation to earn less

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than your parents and you'll never be able to afford to buy a property.

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I don't know what the problem is.

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Don't they like hearing Mum and Dad having sex as they lie

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in their childhood bedroom thinking, "Christ, I'll be 40 soon"?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So entitled.

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Well, millennials, you're entitled to sort out climate change too.

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Good luck with that!

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And soz.

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So, is it that young people today are just...young people?

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I mean, idiots, obviously,

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but also courageous, passionate,

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keen to make the world a better place.

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Let's give the last word to Emma Gonzalez,

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a young millennial who attended the school where 17 students

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and teachers were shot dead last Wednesday.

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Every single person up here today,

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all these people should be at home, grieving.

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But instead, we are up here, standing together,

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because if all our Government and President can do

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is send "thoughts and prayers",

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then it's time for victims to be the change that we need to see.

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CHEERING

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What a snowflake.

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And who knows, Nish,

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maybe these young snowflakes will cause an avalanche.

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-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, as it's our final episode of the series, let's talk about Brexit.

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But before I do, let me pre-empt some of the responses

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based on things people have already tweeted me.

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I know I'm a whingeing, unfunny, Remoaning, anti-Brexit,

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BBC ethnic poster boy.

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And hey, what a poster that would be!

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But...

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Bad luck, Anita Rani!

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But...

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..but I just have one key question about Brexit.

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What is it?

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Seriously, what is it?

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It's just that it's happening in just over a year,

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and we don't really know what it involves!

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In the lead-up to the referendum,

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Brexiters were very clear on what it would mean.

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They claimed EU membership cost us money

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and by leaving, we were freeing up cash,

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as explained in this helpful advert from the Vote Leave campaign.

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Let's imagine what else this money could buy.

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State-of-the-art hospitals.

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Hundreds of new schools.

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Pioneering health and scientific research.

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We could build new roads and improve the railways.

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Expand regional airports.

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And we could lower taxation.

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So, that's pretty clear.

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Brexit means more money for the country and apparently,

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self-building hospitals.

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But as soon as it became a reality, the focus shifted

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from telling us what Brexit is to telling us what it isn't.

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Brexit isn't going to mean the end of the world.

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This is not in any sense

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the moment that Britain steps back from the world.

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It's not about returning to some autarchic 1950s menu

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of spam and cabbage and liver...

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But that doesn't work.

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You can't go on Mastermind and be asked,

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"What's the capital of Iceland?"

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and reply, "I'll tell you what it isn't - Vin Diesel!

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"No way is that guy the capital of Iceland!"

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Maybe it's easier to say what it isn't

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because Brexiteers can't agree on what should happen.

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And as a side note, we need to stop

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using the word "Brexiteer" as an insult.

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It sounds like Musketeer and makes them sound too cool.

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It's like if I found out people were calling me Brown Panther,

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I'd be like...

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.."Oh, no! Oh, no, I'm so furious!

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"Who made that? That's...

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"..annoying."

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We still have no idea what to do about several key areas -

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the economy, immigration and the Irish border.

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So, let's take a look at each one. On the economy,

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we're still uncertain about trade agreements with the EU.

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Also, Boris Johnson has claimed we'll receive a Brexit dividend

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of £100 million a week for the NHS.

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But forecasts from David Davis' department indicate that

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every version of Brexit will leave the UK poorer. But who to believe?

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It's between a man who once had two women wear a T-shirt

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saying, "It's DD For Me",

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or a man who was clearly jealous of the first man's awesome T-shirt.

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And as for immigration,

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hard Brexiters want a severe clampdown, but this week,

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Michael Gove has called for more migrant workers to help

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British farmers pick fruit.

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After a summer which has seen a lack of seasonal workers,

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farmers have said that more migrants are needed,

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and described the situation as "mission critical",

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which sounds like a gentle version of Mission: Impossible

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where Tom Cruise gets a job picking strawberries in Wiltshire.

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And as for Ireland - in December,

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there was a provisional agreement on regulatory alignment

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between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland

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because of the fear that the return of a hard border could cause

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a resumption of violence, and no-one wants to endanger the peace process.

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Or at least, you'd think so.

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Kate Hoey, prominent Labour Brexiter

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and fan of the show - hi, Kate -

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and Daniel Hannan, MEP and inspiration for the film Boss Baby,

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have spent... LAUGHTER

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..have spent this week... APPLAUSE

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..have spent the week criticising the Good Friday Agreement,

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in direct opposition to David Davis.

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You'll notice that all the people we've mentioned

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so far campaigned for Leave.

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Brexiters constantly claim that the process is being

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sabotaged by Remainers, both inside and outside the Government.

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But what's clear is that they can't agree amongst themselves -

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just another reason why the word Brexiteer is so inappropriate,

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even as a complimentary nickname.

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Firstly, because the Musketeers were French,

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and secondly because the Musketeers' motto was, "All for one

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"and one for all", which could not be less appropriate for them.

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Theirs would be, "All for one, and by one, I mean me,

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"I was using it in the posh way, everyone else shut up."

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So, there's no clarity for the Government in areas of major

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national importance. Even if you ask directly.

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Because we have actually been doing that.

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Our producer, Danny - this is absolutely true - has been

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e-mailing Sam at the Department for Exiting the EU

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for several weeks, asking what Brexit is.

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Firstly... This is a real person's time we've wasted...

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Firstly, we received this.

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So...

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So... It gets worse! So, Danny replied...

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To which they responded...

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We tried going back to them again this week.

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We asked Sam if they had come up with a new definition

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of what Brexit is, and we received this reply...

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APPLAUSE

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Ouch!

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Not even "kind regards".

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I thought we were talking to the Department for Exiting the EU,

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not the Department for Being as Cold as Ice!

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Look, regardless of which way you voted,

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it is imperative that we have some idea

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of how this is all supposed to work.

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So, we're going to try asking again, but on a broader scale.

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This advert will be available on social media,

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and if you, like us, are worried about what Brexit involves,

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please feel free to share it around.

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Brexit is the UK's departure from the European Union.

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But what the hell does that mean?

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What happens to Ireland?

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Will there be a hard border or a soft border?

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Or will we snap off Northern Ireland and stick it to the Lake District?

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Will people from the EU keep being allowed to come here?

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Or will we cover the country with a giant version

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of the Millennium Dome?

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What happens to our money?

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Will it be available for schools and hospitals,

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or will it all just catch fire?

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Please tell us, we're scared.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, Sunday night was the Bafta Awards ceremony,

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with many of the stars wearing Time's Up badges to

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show their support for women around the world.

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This, and the powerful Me Too campaign, has

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resulted in a long overdue focus on women's rights.

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Here to talk more about it,

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please welcome our social affairs correspondent, Desiree Burch!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hi, Nish.

-So, Desiree, with all the stuff that's been going on over

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the last couple of months, how are things for women?

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Well, we're OK, I guess.

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On the one hand, there s gender inequality and sexual assault.

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But, on the other hand, Spice Girls are getting back together!

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And I, for one, am excited about living in a world where

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a 42-year-old woman

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can still be referred to as "Baby".

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But there is one group that continues to suffer.

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Asians.

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No, Asians are fucking fine, dude.

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-I'm talking about men.

-Oh, men, yeah, that's the other one, yeah.

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Yes! In case you haven't noticed, Nish, men are under attack,

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and particularly white men.

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I mean, I assume you're talking about the sort of perceived pushback

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against the idea of white male privilege.

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Exactly, Nish, but one brave man has formed a political party

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dedicated solely to men's rights.

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Former Conservative party consultant Mike Buchanan set up

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Justice For Men & Boys, (and the women who love them).

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That is one of the worst names for anything I've ever heard.

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-Yeah, and men and boys that close together?

-It's not ideal.

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No, it's not.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I went to meet Mike to find out

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more about the work of Justice For Men & Boys.

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Mike, can you tell us when

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you started Boyz II Men?

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LAUGHTER

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-Boyz II Men?

-Yeah, your, er, advocacy group?

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-Oh, the political party?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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OK, shall we start again? It's called Justice For Men & Boys.

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Oh. OK, yes. Can you tell us when you started that?

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Yes, I started it almost five years ago now.

0:17:220:17:24

It was, at the time, and it remains to this day, the only political

0:17:240:17:27

party in the English-speaking world that campaigns for

0:17:270:17:30

the human rights of men and boys.

0:17:300:17:32

It does seem like a lot of your arguments are anti-feminist.

0:17:320:17:37

What exactly are these feminazis doing to oppress men?

0:17:370:17:40

I think they're doing a huge amount.

0:17:400:17:43

Feminists have made life so much worse for men.

0:17:430:17:46

So, for example, if you take domestic violence, it's been

0:17:460:17:48

known for a very long time now that the number of victims

0:17:480:17:51

of domestic violence, male victims,

0:17:510:17:53

are similar to the number of female victims.

0:17:530:17:55

-The same amount?

-It's been known for decades.

0:17:550:17:58

Um...

0:17:580:17:59

..but the Government acts as if there's no such thing as

0:17:590:18:01

male victims of domestic violence.

0:18:010:18:03

# Hold up... #

0:18:030:18:04

Well, hang on a second there, Mike,

0:18:040:18:06

according to the Office For National Statistics,

0:18:060:18:09

there are an estimated 4.3 million

0:18:090:18:11

female victims of domestic abuse.

0:18:110:18:13

A whole 2.1 million more than male victims.

0:18:130:18:17

But I'm just a woman, so what would I know?

0:18:170:18:19

I mean, you're clearly a feminist. You wouldn't get work

0:18:190:18:21

-at the BBC otherwise.

-GASPS FROM AUDIENCE

0:18:210:18:23

Your main presenter is a mangina.

0:18:230:18:25

-Er, a mangina?

-A male feminist.

-Oh.

0:18:250:18:28

Does Nish have a vagina?

0:18:280:18:30

No, a mangina. He is a mangina.

0:18:300:18:33

OK. So, Nish is a vagina?

0:18:330:18:36

-No, he's a mangina.

-I see.

0:18:360:18:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:380:18:39

It's what anti-feminists tend to call, you know, male feminists.

0:18:390:18:43

Is there such a thing as white male privilege?

0:18:430:18:47

The idea that in 2018 in Britain

0:18:470:18:50

that being a white male gives you any privilege,

0:18:500:18:53

-I think, is just nonsensical.

-Hmm.

0:18:530:18:55

-I mean, I started in the business world in 1979, and the idea...

-Yeah.

0:18:550:18:58

..even then, that you would discriminate against,

0:18:580:19:01

let's say, black people or women,

0:19:010:19:02

in recruitment or promotion terms,

0:19:020:19:05

it would have been ridiculous then, 40 years ago.

0:19:050:19:07

# Hold up... #

0:19:070:19:08

Well, it might sound ridiculous to Mike,

0:19:080:19:10

but figures taken from the General Household Survey

0:19:100:19:13

and the Labour Force Survey show that, in the UK,

0:19:130:19:15

black African men were nearly twice as likely to be

0:19:150:19:18

unemployed as white men during the 1980s.

0:19:180:19:21

And it wasn't until 1985 that the Equal Pay Act was amended

0:19:210:19:25

to allow women to be paid the same as men for the same work,

0:19:250:19:28

something that is still being debated in 2018.

0:19:280:19:31

But, yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous, Mike.

0:19:310:19:34

Do you think that the Me Too movement and male discrimination

0:19:340:19:38

has made it harder for men to...

0:19:380:19:42

wolf-whistle at a woman?

0:19:420:19:44

Of course it has, and there's a lot of women that find that quite sad.

0:19:440:19:49

-LAUGHTER

-To present it as anything other than

0:19:490:19:51

a sign of appreciation,

0:19:510:19:52

I think, is just ludicrous.

0:19:520:19:54

So, like, when I was back home in New York and a guy was like,

0:19:540:19:58

"Damn, you got some fat titties!" -

0:19:580:20:01

-I should feel good about that?

-Yeah.

0:20:010:20:04

I think most of this is just absolute nonsense.

0:20:040:20:06

It's about angry women trying to destroy men.

0:20:060:20:09

Yeah, a lot of real angry bitches out there.

0:20:090:20:13

Well, that's not the terminology we'd use, but, er, yeah.

0:20:130:20:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:170:20:19

OK, did you actually learn anything about how

0:20:240:20:26

white men are struggling?

0:20:260:20:28

What I learned from Mike is that, as a black woman,

0:20:280:20:31

I can't possibly understand what it's like to be oppressed,

0:20:310:20:34

to have people be sexist against you or to be turned away from jobs.

0:20:340:20:38

But how can any of us

0:20:380:20:40

truly understand another person's race and culture?

0:20:400:20:43

You could just ask them and then believe their answers.

0:20:430:20:46

Huh, spoken like a true mangina.

0:20:460:20:48

LAUGHTER

0:20:480:20:49

No, Nish, you go undercover, like this woman did

0:20:490:20:53

in the Channel 4 documentary, My Week As A Muslim.

0:20:530:20:56

-Oh, dear Lord.

-Yeah.

0:20:560:20:59

I mean, that woman couldn't get tanned

0:20:590:21:02

-without Channel 4's intervention. That's awful.

-NISH LAUGHS

0:21:020:21:06

So, I took a leaf out of their book and went undercover.

0:21:060:21:09

No, Desiree, you didn't!

0:21:090:21:11

You're welcome, Nish, I did.

0:21:110:21:13

MUSIC: What A Man by Linda Lyndell

0:21:160:21:18

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:28

Being a white guy, right? You know what I'm talking about.

0:21:420:21:46

-Hi.

-How are you doing?

0:21:470:21:49

So, look, I'm great at selling estates

0:21:490:21:52

or whatever the fuck you do here, so can I get a job?

0:21:520:21:56

I'm afraid we've got no jobs.

0:21:560:21:58

-Yeah, you're one of those man feminists, aren't you?

-Yeah...

0:21:580:22:01

Man, whose dick do you have to suck to get a job as a white man?

0:22:010:22:05

LAUGHTER

0:22:050:22:06

# Hey, good looking What you got cooking... #

0:22:080:22:10

Right?!

0:22:100:22:12

Exactly!

0:22:120:22:14

Ladies, can a white guy buy one of you fine bitches a drink?

0:22:140:22:18

-No, thank you, we're fine.

-Yeah, I bet you are.

0:22:210:22:24

You're always fine but you're frigid feminists, you're always fine.

0:22:240:22:27

Silence the white man, everyone does it anyway!

0:22:270:22:31

LAUGHTER

0:22:310:22:33

Jeez.

0:22:330:22:34

Walking around, talking to these bitches all the time.

0:22:360:22:39

This dick on for nothing. I just...

0:22:390:22:42

Stop looking at me!

0:22:420:22:44

LAUGHTER

0:22:440:22:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:450:22:47

Twitter is going to love that.

0:22:570:23:00

Well, you know, it was worth it, Nish. For the white man.

0:23:000:23:03

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Desiree Burch!

0:23:030:23:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:060:23:07

Since the EU referendum results, a lot of Labour supporters have

0:23:110:23:13

been critical of the party's position on Brexit,

0:23:130:23:16

with some even threatening to leave the party over their stance.

0:23:160:23:18

More recently, Labour's own MPs have expressed concern

0:23:180:23:21

that the party's position is unclear and they're not providing enough

0:23:210:23:24

of an alternative to the Government as they negotiate our exit.

0:23:240:23:27

To clarify Labour's Brexit position,

0:23:270:23:29

please welcome our political correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

0:23:290:23:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:320:23:33

Thank you.

0:23:350:23:36

Shut it, Nish!

0:23:390:23:42

Er, I wasn't speaking.

0:23:420:23:43

Don't play dumb with me, pretty Tony.

0:23:430:23:45

LAUGHTER

0:23:450:23:47

Nish, it's perfectly clear to you, as it is to me,

0:23:470:23:50

that I've become an investigative reporter, emphasis on investigative.

0:23:500:23:53

-Why are you standing up?

-It's what they do.

0:23:530:23:55

Have you not seen the Washington Post, Nish?

0:23:550:23:58

-Do you mean the film The Post?

-Yeah.

0:23:580:24:00

Have YOU seen that film?

0:24:000:24:02

I think I've made it clear I haven't seen that film.

0:24:020:24:05

NISH SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

0:24:050:24:06

You'll be asking me if I haven't seen All The President's Guys yet.

0:24:100:24:14

For a while now, I've been investigating Labour's position

0:24:140:24:17

on Brexit, a position so Byzantine, so ambiguous,

0:24:170:24:20

it required a proper, hard-boiled detective. You see?

0:24:200:24:23

Sorry, wait, are you a detective or a reporter?

0:24:230:24:26

-I don't know what's going on.

-Cut the crap, Kumar.

0:24:260:24:29

My investigation led me to Chris Williamson, Labour MP

0:24:290:24:31

and Corbynista-in-chief.

0:24:310:24:33

Here he is talking Corbyn up on Question Time.

0:24:330:24:36

In my humble opinion, Jeremy Corbyn is the best leader

0:24:360:24:39

that the Labour Party has ever produced,

0:24:390:24:41

and would be the greatest Prime Minister this country's ever seen.

0:24:410:24:44

APPLAUSE

0:24:440:24:45

What is this pose?

0:24:460:24:48

It's another tough nuts, investigative journalist pose, Nish.

0:24:480:24:51

LAUGHTER

0:24:510:24:53

I mean, in fairness, I can see your tough nuts.

0:24:530:24:57

I got him, Nish.

0:24:570:24:58

Got him for a late-night pow-wow.

0:24:580:25:00

NISH SCOFFS SLIGHTLY

0:25:000:25:02

Roll the VT!

0:25:020:25:04

It's been 18 months since the referendum,

0:25:040:25:05

and I'm still no wiser of Labour's position on Brexit.

0:25:050:25:08

On the single market, they're confused.

0:25:080:25:10

On freedom of movement, they're split.

0:25:100:25:12

Where were the goddamn answers?

0:25:120:25:14

For the last six months, I've been building a case,

0:25:140:25:16

tracking the key players to try and solve this political puzzle.

0:25:160:25:20

I needed someone to squeal, but the big cheeses were running scared.

0:25:200:25:25

Luckily, there was one guy with big enough balls to face me -

0:25:250:25:29

dedicated Corbyn foot soldier, Chris Williamson.

0:25:290:25:32

But he had no idea what he was letting himself in for.

0:25:320:25:35

-I'm Andrew Hunter

-BLEEP

-Murray.

0:25:350:25:38

And I'm going to get some answers.

0:25:380:25:39

First things first, do you know why you're here?

0:25:430:25:45

I think you want to find about Labour's position on Brexit.

0:25:450:25:47

Yeah, I do. Because, I tell you something, Chris,

0:25:470:25:50

your position on Brexit is this.

0:25:500:25:53

-Ah.

-It's a bloody mess.

0:25:530:25:54

-No, you've not been paying attention.

-It's a bloody mess.

0:25:540:25:57

Listen, I can help you with our position on Brexit.

0:25:570:25:59

-It's very, very clear.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:25:590:26:01

Well, I'm going to put some simple questions to you,

0:26:010:26:03

-I'd appreciate some straight answers.

-Well, I'll try my best.

0:26:030:26:06

-OK. Let's do it.

-OK, go for it.

0:26:060:26:09

Chris, you seem like a very reasonable guy.

0:26:090:26:11

I don't want to go all Tommy Toughnuts on you,

0:26:110:26:13

but let me quote you something your colleague Dawn Butler said.

0:26:130:26:16

She told Sky News that, "We will be in the single market for as short

0:26:160:26:19

"a time as possible, but for as long as necessary."

0:26:190:26:22

Later the same month, she said that Labour wanted to

0:26:220:26:24

"stay in for as short as necessary but as long as possible".

0:26:240:26:29

-Well, listen, what we're simply saying is...

-What? What's that?!

0:26:290:26:33

Listen, all I can tell you is that we want tariff-free access

0:26:330:26:37

to the single market

0:26:370:26:39

and a bespoke EU-UK customs union

0:26:390:26:42

to protect jobs.

0:26:420:26:43

How can you retain the benefits of something

0:26:430:26:45

if you're outside it? That is like standing outside

0:26:450:26:48

an Adele concert, still expecting to hear the music perfectly,

0:26:480:26:51

and frankly, right now, Chris, I am outside in the pissing cold

0:26:510:26:54

and I cannot hear Rolling In The Deep.

0:26:540:26:56

Well, I'm sorry about that,

0:26:560:26:58

but I'm doing my best to tell you what our position is.

0:26:580:27:00

It just doesn't seem to be sinking in.

0:27:000:27:02

Someone's mugging me off, Chris. Who is it? Is it you? Is it Corbyn?

0:27:020:27:06

-Is it everybody?

-Well, it's certainly not me.

0:27:060:27:08

And it's certainly not Jeremy, either.

0:27:080:27:10

So, why do I feel like a mug?

0:27:100:27:12

Ask your mum.

0:27:120:27:14

LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:16

I've got five words for you -

0:27:190:27:20

free-dom of move-ment.

0:27:200:27:21

Everyone travelling around, living where they like, very nice.

0:27:210:27:24

I've got a timeshare in Alicante, I love it. What's Labour's position?

0:27:240:27:27

Freedom of movement, when we leave the European Union,

0:27:270:27:30

will come to an end, but we will negotiate

0:27:300:27:31

a freedom of movement system that is fit for purpose.

0:27:310:27:34

A lot of members don't agree with that. 3,000 of your members,

0:27:340:27:37

right here, these people. These people.

0:27:370:27:40

These people. They've all signed a petition saying

0:27:400:27:42

keep freedom of movement.

0:27:420:27:43

You've got MPs inside your party campaigning to keep

0:27:430:27:46

-freedom of movement.

-They've got strong views.

0:27:460:27:48

All I'm hearing is blah, blah, blah, Chris. My bullshit meter is off the charts.

0:27:480:27:51

Well, I'm sorry about that, but that's their view and they're

0:27:510:27:54

entitled to that view, and they're entitled to campaign for that view.

0:27:540:27:57

ANDREW SIGHS

0:27:570:27:58

You guys seem to have been giving a lot of big answers

0:28:000:28:02

and simultaneously dodging the questions.

0:28:020:28:05

-I don't think that's fair.

-That is fair!

0:28:050:28:06

It's like, it's like, I don't know what I'm hearing any more.

0:28:060:28:09

If I ask you, do you prefer creme de menthe or Bailey's, I probably

0:28:090:28:12

wouldn't get a straight answer out of you.

0:28:120:28:13

I don't like either.

0:28:130:28:15

Would you excuse me for just a second?

0:28:170:28:19

SLAMS DOOR

0:28:210:28:23

HE YELLS ANGRILY

0:28:230:28:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:270:28:28

To be honest with you, Andrew, as much as you seem to have mastered

0:28:330:28:36

the sort of chair-based business,

0:28:360:28:39

it doesn't really feel like you cracked that particular case.

0:28:390:28:42

He was a tough guy, Nish, I'll give you that, but I'll tell you

0:28:420:28:44

one thing - I will get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do.

0:28:440:28:47

Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

0:28:470:28:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:500:28:51

Thank you.

0:28:510:28:52

The closing headlines -

0:28:580:29:00

a family who gave up plastic have found it impossible to

0:29:000:29:03

give up being smug bastards.

0:29:030:29:05

LAUGHTER

0:29:050:29:07

BAFTA judges moved by tender, heart-warming story of

0:29:070:29:09

woman who shags a fish.

0:29:090:29:11

LAUGHTER

0:29:110:29:14

And grey-haired, dead-eyed morning Wetherspoon's drinker

0:29:140:29:17

only 28.

0:29:170:29:18

LAUGHTER

0:29:180:29:20

But first, sheepdogs have angrily condemned a glass ceiling

0:29:210:29:25

in the workplace, after it emerged that no sheepdog has

0:29:250:29:28

ever made the transition to shepherd.

0:29:280:29:30

LAUGHTER

0:29:300:29:32

Veteran sheepdog Tinker staged a dirty protest in

0:29:330:29:36

the back of his shepherd's Subaru,

0:29:360:29:38

after his boss/owner responded to his attempts

0:29:380:29:42

to throw some herding ideas into the mix

0:29:420:29:45

by shutting him up with a biscuit.

0:29:450:29:48

However, shepherds have denied a pro-human bias.

0:29:480:29:51

I'm all in favour of dogs being shepherds. But you need to be able

0:29:510:29:53

to hold a sheep if you're treating her for parasites, don't you?

0:29:530:29:56

How are you supposed to do that with paws?

0:29:560:29:59

Call me politically incorrect if you like,

0:29:590:30:01

but if you don't have thumbs, you can't hold a sheep,

0:30:010:30:03

erect an electric fence, you certainly can't drive a van.

0:30:030:30:06

I found that out.

0:30:060:30:08

Tried getting my dog, Tinker, to do my tax return,

0:30:080:30:10

no, absolute disaster, 500 quid fine.

0:30:100:30:12

That's all from us.

0:30:130:30:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:140:30:16

That's all from The Mash Report for this week and this series.

0:30:190:30:22

Let's take a look back at all the subjects we've covered.

0:30:220:30:25

There was Brexit and Trump and...

0:30:250:30:28

LAUGHTER

0:30:290:30:30

Goodnight!

0:30:300:30:32

CHEERING

0:30:320:30:33

With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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