Episode 6 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, whoa!

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to The Mash Report,

and listen, it's been a hell of a week.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was urged to release his Stasi file

after allegations arose that he briefed a Czechoslovakian spy

during the Cold War.

These claims have been thrown into doubt by the absence

of any actual facts,

and the man who made them also claimed to have organised Live Aid

and that he knew what Margaret Thatcher would wear every day.

The first claim - mad. The second - pointless.

Margaret Thatcher wore a blue suit every day.

That's like saying, "I know what Nish Kumar's going to wear

"when he hosts The Mash Report."

Yeah!

It's the same suit every time. We only bought one.

To be honest, we didn't think this show would last this long.

Look, if you're going to attack Jeremy Corbyn about anything,

attack him on stuff that he's actually done -

his failure to deal with Labour's anti-Semitism problem,

the lack of clarity on his party's Brexit position.

Don't attack him on something that probably didn't happen

and that makes him sound cooler.

Nobody says Theresa May's a bad Prime Minister

because she's too busy working part-time as Robocop.

There is no way that Corbyn is a spy.

He's a boring bloke from Islington with an allotment

that no-one would ever suspect... Oh, my God, it's the perfect cover!

He's a spy, goddammit!

Also this week...

Also this week, there was great news for the romantics amongst us.

Ukip leader Henry Bolton was ousted from the party

and he got back together with his girlfriend, who caused controversy

when she was found to have sent racist texts about Meghan Markle.

You know what? It's a tale as old as time.

Boy meets girl, girl sends inflammatory text message,

boy breaks up with girl, boy loses no-confidence vote,

boy loses second no-confidence vote, boy loses leadership,

boy gets back together with girl,

and they both live racistly ever after.

And now, over to the Mash News Desk for the latest headlines.

The latest headlines.

Trump goes to see Black Panther movie, says,

"A lot of good characters on both sides."

KFC customers shocked to discover it's actually chicken.

And man who looks at porn most nights

worries about what his kids are up to on the internet.

But first, a couple who watched an extremely tedious televised

awards ceremony have no idea why they did it.

Stephen and Laura Malley still cannot understand why they spent

nearly three hours watching actors verbally toss each other off.

Honestly, I don't know how it happened.

We just put the telly on, and instead of Emmerdale,

it was a roomful of people in suits,

and I just kept thinking, "Why is there a funeral on telly?"

-I would have preferred a funeral.

-Yeah. Nothing happened.

I mean, they clap a bit and go up some steps,

-then they get a thing, or whatever...

-A metal thing.

..and they say, "Oh, thanks very much."

-And there's a tall, posh lady made a joke...

-That was Tom Hiddleston.

-Was it?

-Anyway, somehow, we watched it all.

-All of it.

The time just disappeared,

it was like we'd been abducted by a UFO, except it was very boring.

Actors? Sorry, but they really are just a bunch of vain,

attention-seeking wankers.

I mean, last night, he congratulated me on making a very good lasagne,

but I didn't film it and then put it on the telly.

No, but you did put a picture of it on Facebook, didn't you?

-Yes, I did.

-It got 15 likes.

-Actually, it got 18.

-No, it didn't.

-Yeah, it did.

We'll be back with more later.

Now, let's go over to the social media wall for Rachel Parris.

CHEERING

Thank you, Nish.

Now, there has been a lot of coverage recently about how

young people are a bunch of weak, entitled snowflakes.

Millennials are entitled, they're lazy, they're weak,

they're the me, me, me generation.

And of course, they spend all of their money on avocados,

which is a sort of savoury pear that costs the same amount as a house.

Now, many of the accusations of snowflakery centre upon

people who find everything offensive -

non-Mexicans wearing sombreros, the sitcom Friends,

opinions about transgender issues.

And of course, we shouldn't be shutting down free speech,

even when it's deemed distasteful. Of all human rights,

the right to offend people is one of my absolute favourites.

For example - shut up, Nish, you tedious, leftie ballbag!

You don't get a lot of "ballbag" these days.

You don't!

I don't. Er...

..but the snowflake accusation is also being used to discredit anyone

who worries about equality, or looks to improve the lot of humans.

Like Lily Allen - she was branded Snowflake of the Year

by the Telegraph for crying over unaccompanied children

in Calais being abandoned by the British Government.

Crying? In the presence of a small homeless child?

How weak is she, the compassionate twat?!

Am I right, Nish?

Er, um... No.

Er, most recently, students who have spoken out about gun control

in the wake of the mass shooting at the school in Florida have been

attacked on Twitter for being "snowflakes".

That's actually one of the survivors being called a snowflake.

The argument goes that if you complain about horror,

injustice or equality, then you're self-pitying and pathetic.

Only this week, Matthew Parris in the Times said that the Me Too

movement was about self-pitying and gaining "victim status".

Matthew moaned that too much of the media

was devoted to women moaning too much, and we know this

because he moaned about it in the Times, and then moaned

about it in the Spectator, and finally moaned about it on Radio 4.

That is a man who needs a safe space.

You see,

there is a determined campaign to conflate people being

a bit squeamish about offensive ideas and language

with people legitimately demanding change.

And the truth is,

history's absolutely littered with dreadful snowflakes.

Martin Luther King was a famous hand-wringing liberal, who got

all hysterical about the persecution of black people in America.

He had a dream about little kiddies playing together.

Stop dreaming and do some bloody work, you hipster!

And of course, then there was Mahatma Gandhi -

a vegan, quelle surprise!

So, Gandhi didn't like his people being oppressed,

so he kept refusing his food.

What an ungrateful hippy!

So, millennials and post-millennials -

you are all apparently entitled narcissists,

even as you will be the first generation to earn less

than your parents and you'll never be able to afford to buy a property.

I don't know what the problem is.

Don't they like hearing Mum and Dad having sex as they lie

in their childhood bedroom thinking, "Christ, I'll be 40 soon"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So entitled.

Well, millennials, you're entitled to sort out climate change too.

Good luck with that!

And soz.

So, is it that young people today are just...young people?

I mean, idiots, obviously,

but also courageous, passionate,

keen to make the world a better place.

Let's give the last word to Emma Gonzalez,

a young millennial who attended the school where 17 students

and teachers were shot dead last Wednesday.

Every single person up here today,

all these people should be at home, grieving.

But instead, we are up here, standing together,

because if all our Government and President can do

is send "thoughts and prayers",

then it's time for victims to be the change that we need to see.

CHEERING

What a snowflake.

And who knows, Nish,

maybe these young snowflakes will cause an avalanche.

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, as it's our final episode of the series, let's talk about Brexit.

But before I do, let me pre-empt some of the responses

based on things people have already tweeted me.

I know I'm a whingeing, unfunny, Remoaning, anti-Brexit,

BBC ethnic poster boy.

And hey, what a poster that would be!

But...

Bad luck, Anita Rani!

But...

..but I just have one key question about Brexit.

What is it?

Seriously, what is it?

It's just that it's happening in just over a year,

and we don't really know what it involves!

In the lead-up to the referendum,

Brexiters were very clear on what it would mean.

They claimed EU membership cost us money

and by leaving, we were freeing up cash,

as explained in this helpful advert from the Vote Leave campaign.

Let's imagine what else this money could buy.

State-of-the-art hospitals.

Hundreds of new schools.

Pioneering health and scientific research.

We could build new roads and improve the railways.

Expand regional airports.

And we could lower taxation.

So, that's pretty clear.

Brexit means more money for the country and apparently,

self-building hospitals.

But as soon as it became a reality, the focus shifted

from telling us what Brexit is to telling us what it isn't.

Brexit isn't going to mean the end of the world.

This is not in any sense

the moment that Britain steps back from the world.

It's not about returning to some autarchic 1950s menu

of spam and cabbage and liver...

But that doesn't work.

You can't go on Mastermind and be asked,

"What's the capital of Iceland?"

and reply, "I'll tell you what it isn't - Vin Diesel!

"No way is that guy the capital of Iceland!"

Maybe it's easier to say what it isn't

because Brexiteers can't agree on what should happen.

And as a side note, we need to stop

using the word "Brexiteer" as an insult.

It sounds like Musketeer and makes them sound too cool.

It's like if I found out people were calling me Brown Panther,

I'd be like...

.."Oh, no! Oh, no, I'm so furious!

"Who made that? That's...

"..annoying."

We still have no idea what to do about several key areas -

the economy, immigration and the Irish border.

So, let's take a look at each one. On the economy,

we're still uncertain about trade agreements with the EU.

Also, Boris Johnson has claimed we'll receive a Brexit dividend

of £100 million a week for the NHS.

But forecasts from David Davis' department indicate that

every version of Brexit will leave the UK poorer. But who to believe?

It's between a man who once had two women wear a T-shirt

saying, "It's DD For Me",

or a man who was clearly jealous of the first man's awesome T-shirt.

And as for immigration,

hard Brexiters want a severe clampdown, but this week,

Michael Gove has called for more migrant workers to help

British farmers pick fruit.

After a summer which has seen a lack of seasonal workers,

farmers have said that more migrants are needed,

and described the situation as "mission critical",

which sounds like a gentle version of Mission: Impossible

where Tom Cruise gets a job picking strawberries in Wiltshire.

And as for Ireland - in December,

there was a provisional agreement on regulatory alignment

between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland

because of the fear that the return of a hard border could cause

a resumption of violence, and no-one wants to endanger the peace process.

Or at least, you'd think so.

Kate Hoey, prominent Labour Brexiter

and fan of the show - hi, Kate -

and Daniel Hannan, MEP and inspiration for the film Boss Baby,

have spent... LAUGHTER

..have spent this week... APPLAUSE

..have spent the week criticising the Good Friday Agreement,

in direct opposition to David Davis.

You'll notice that all the people we've mentioned

so far campaigned for Leave.

Brexiters constantly claim that the process is being

sabotaged by Remainers, both inside and outside the Government.

But what's clear is that they can't agree amongst themselves -

just another reason why the word Brexiteer is so inappropriate,

even as a complimentary nickname.

Firstly, because the Musketeers were French,

and secondly because the Musketeers' motto was, "All for one

"and one for all", which could not be less appropriate for them.

Theirs would be, "All for one, and by one, I mean me,

"I was using it in the posh way, everyone else shut up."

So, there's no clarity for the Government in areas of major

national importance. Even if you ask directly.

Because we have actually been doing that.

Our producer, Danny - this is absolutely true - has been

e-mailing Sam at the Department for Exiting the EU

for several weeks, asking what Brexit is.

Firstly... This is a real person's time we've wasted...

Firstly, we received this.

So...

So... It gets worse! So, Danny replied...

To which they responded...

We tried going back to them again this week.

We asked Sam if they had come up with a new definition

of what Brexit is, and we received this reply...

APPLAUSE

Ouch!

Not even "kind regards".

I thought we were talking to the Department for Exiting the EU,

not the Department for Being as Cold as Ice!

Look, regardless of which way you voted,

it is imperative that we have some idea

of how this is all supposed to work.

So, we're going to try asking again, but on a broader scale.

This advert will be available on social media,

and if you, like us, are worried about what Brexit involves,

please feel free to share it around.

Brexit is the UK's departure from the European Union.

But what the hell does that mean?

What happens to Ireland?

Will there be a hard border or a soft border?

Or will we snap off Northern Ireland and stick it to the Lake District?

Will people from the EU keep being allowed to come here?

Or will we cover the country with a giant version

of the Millennium Dome?

What happens to our money?

Will it be available for schools and hospitals,

or will it all just catch fire?

Please tell us, we're scared.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Sunday night was the Bafta Awards ceremony,

with many of the stars wearing Time's Up badges to

show their support for women around the world.

This, and the powerful Me Too campaign, has

resulted in a long overdue focus on women's rights.

Here to talk more about it,

please welcome our social affairs correspondent, Desiree Burch!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Nish.

-So, Desiree, with all the stuff that's been going on over

the last couple of months, how are things for women?

Well, we're OK, I guess.

On the one hand, there s gender inequality and sexual assault.

But, on the other hand, Spice Girls are getting back together!

And I, for one, am excited about living in a world where

a 42-year-old woman

can still be referred to as "Baby".

But there is one group that continues to suffer.

Asians.

No, Asians are fucking fine, dude.

-I'm talking about men.

-Oh, men, yeah, that's the other one, yeah.

Yes! In case you haven't noticed, Nish, men are under attack,

and particularly white men.

I mean, I assume you're talking about the sort of perceived pushback

against the idea of white male privilege.

Exactly, Nish, but one brave man has formed a political party

dedicated solely to men's rights.

Former Conservative party consultant Mike Buchanan set up

Justice For Men & Boys, (and the women who love them).

That is one of the worst names for anything I've ever heard.

-Yeah, and men and boys that close together?

-It's not ideal.

No, it's not.

LAUGHTER

Well, I went to meet Mike to find out

more about the work of Justice For Men & Boys.

Mike, can you tell us when

you started Boyz II Men?

LAUGHTER

-Boyz II Men?

-Yeah, your, er, advocacy group?

-Oh, the political party?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, shall we start again? It's called Justice For Men & Boys.

Oh. OK, yes. Can you tell us when you started that?

Yes, I started it almost five years ago now.

It was, at the time, and it remains to this day, the only political

party in the English-speaking world that campaigns for

the human rights of men and boys.

It does seem like a lot of your arguments are anti-feminist.

What exactly are these feminazis doing to oppress men?

I think they're doing a huge amount.

Feminists have made life so much worse for men.

So, for example, if you take domestic violence, it's been

known for a very long time now that the number of victims

of domestic violence, male victims,

are similar to the number of female victims.

-The same amount?

-It's been known for decades.

Um...

..but the Government acts as if there's no such thing as

male victims of domestic violence.

# Hold up... #

Well, hang on a second there, Mike,

according to the Office For National Statistics,

there are an estimated 4.3 million

female victims of domestic abuse.

A whole 2.1 million more than male victims.

But I'm just a woman, so what would I know?

I mean, you're clearly a feminist. You wouldn't get work

-at the BBC otherwise.

-GASPS FROM AUDIENCE

Your main presenter is a mangina.

-Er, a mangina?

-A male feminist.

-Oh.

Does Nish have a vagina?

No, a mangina. He is a mangina.

OK. So, Nish is a vagina?

-No, he's a mangina.

-I see.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's what anti-feminists tend to call, you know, male feminists.

Is there such a thing as white male privilege?

The idea that in 2018 in Britain

that being a white male gives you any privilege,

-I think, is just nonsensical.

-Hmm.

-I mean, I started in the business world in 1979, and the idea...

-Yeah.

..even then, that you would discriminate against,

let's say, black people or women,

in recruitment or promotion terms,

it would have been ridiculous then, 40 years ago.

# Hold up... #

Well, it might sound ridiculous to Mike,

but figures taken from the General Household Survey

and the Labour Force Survey show that, in the UK,

black African men were nearly twice as likely to be

unemployed as white men during the 1980s.

And it wasn't until 1985 that the Equal Pay Act was amended

to allow women to be paid the same as men for the same work,

something that is still being debated in 2018.

But, yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous, Mike.

Do you think that the Me Too movement and male discrimination

has made it harder for men to...

wolf-whistle at a woman?

Of course it has, and there's a lot of women that find that quite sad.

-LAUGHTER

-To present it as anything other than

a sign of appreciation,

I think, is just ludicrous.

So, like, when I was back home in New York and a guy was like,

"Damn, you got some fat titties!" -

-I should feel good about that?

-Yeah.

I think most of this is just absolute nonsense.

It's about angry women trying to destroy men.

Yeah, a lot of real angry bitches out there.

Well, that's not the terminology we'd use, but, er, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, did you actually learn anything about how

white men are struggling?

What I learned from Mike is that, as a black woman,

I can't possibly understand what it's like to be oppressed,

to have people be sexist against you or to be turned away from jobs.

But how can any of us

truly understand another person's race and culture?

You could just ask them and then believe their answers.

Huh, spoken like a true mangina.

LAUGHTER

No, Nish, you go undercover, like this woman did

in the Channel 4 documentary, My Week As A Muslim.

-Oh, dear Lord.

-Yeah.

I mean, that woman couldn't get tanned

-without Channel 4's intervention. That's awful.

-NISH LAUGHS

So, I took a leaf out of their book and went undercover.

No, Desiree, you didn't!

You're welcome, Nish, I did.

MUSIC: What A Man by Linda Lyndell

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Being a white guy, right? You know what I'm talking about.

-Hi.

-How are you doing?

So, look, I'm great at selling estates

or whatever the fuck you do here, so can I get a job?

I'm afraid we've got no jobs.

-Yeah, you're one of those man feminists, aren't you?

-Yeah...

Man, whose dick do you have to suck to get a job as a white man?

LAUGHTER

# Hey, good looking What you got cooking... #

Right?!

Exactly!

Ladies, can a white guy buy one of you fine bitches a drink?

-No, thank you, we're fine.

-Yeah, I bet you are.

You're always fine but you're frigid feminists, you're always fine.

Silence the white man, everyone does it anyway!

LAUGHTER

Jeez.

Walking around, talking to these bitches all the time.

This dick on for nothing. I just...

Stop looking at me!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Twitter is going to love that.

Well, you know, it was worth it, Nish. For the white man.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Desiree Burch!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Since the EU referendum results, a lot of Labour supporters have

been critical of the party's position on Brexit,

with some even threatening to leave the party over their stance.

More recently, Labour's own MPs have expressed concern

that the party's position is unclear and they're not providing enough

of an alternative to the Government as they negotiate our exit.

To clarify Labour's Brexit position,

please welcome our political correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Shut it, Nish!

Er, I wasn't speaking.

Don't play dumb with me, pretty Tony.

LAUGHTER

Nish, it's perfectly clear to you, as it is to me,

that I've become an investigative reporter, emphasis on investigative.

-Why are you standing up?

-It's what they do.

Have you not seen the Washington Post, Nish?

-Do you mean the film The Post?

-Yeah.

Have YOU seen that film?

I think I've made it clear I haven't seen that film.

NISH SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

You'll be asking me if I haven't seen All The President's Guys yet.

For a while now, I've been investigating Labour's position

on Brexit, a position so Byzantine, so ambiguous,

it required a proper, hard-boiled detective. You see?

Sorry, wait, are you a detective or a reporter?

-I don't know what's going on.

-Cut the crap, Kumar.

My investigation led me to Chris Williamson, Labour MP

and Corbynista-in-chief.

Here he is talking Corbyn up on Question Time.

In my humble opinion, Jeremy Corbyn is the best leader

that the Labour Party has ever produced,

and would be the greatest Prime Minister this country's ever seen.

APPLAUSE

What is this pose?

It's another tough nuts, investigative journalist pose, Nish.

LAUGHTER

I mean, in fairness, I can see your tough nuts.

I got him, Nish.

Got him for a late-night pow-wow.

NISH SCOFFS SLIGHTLY

Roll the VT!

It's been 18 months since the referendum,

and I'm still no wiser of Labour's position on Brexit.

On the single market, they're confused.

On freedom of movement, they're split.

Where were the goddamn answers?

For the last six months, I've been building a case,

tracking the key players to try and solve this political puzzle.

I needed someone to squeal, but the big cheeses were running scared.

Luckily, there was one guy with big enough balls to face me -

dedicated Corbyn foot soldier, Chris Williamson.

But he had no idea what he was letting himself in for.

-I'm Andrew Hunter

-BLEEP

-Murray.

And I'm going to get some answers.

First things first, do you know why you're here?

I think you want to find about Labour's position on Brexit.

Yeah, I do. Because, I tell you something, Chris,

your position on Brexit is this.

-Ah.

-It's a bloody mess.

-No, you've not been paying attention.

-It's a bloody mess.

Listen, I can help you with our position on Brexit.

-It's very, very clear.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, I'm going to put some simple questions to you,

-I'd appreciate some straight answers.

-Well, I'll try my best.

-OK. Let's do it.

-OK, go for it.

Chris, you seem like a very reasonable guy.

I don't want to go all Tommy Toughnuts on you,

but let me quote you something your colleague Dawn Butler said.

She told Sky News that, "We will be in the single market for as short

"a time as possible, but for as long as necessary."

Later the same month, she said that Labour wanted to

"stay in for as short as necessary but as long as possible".

-Well, listen, what we're simply saying is...

-What? What's that?!

Listen, all I can tell you is that we want tariff-free access

to the single market

and a bespoke EU-UK customs union

to protect jobs.

How can you retain the benefits of something

if you're outside it? That is like standing outside

an Adele concert, still expecting to hear the music perfectly,

and frankly, right now, Chris, I am outside in the pissing cold

and I cannot hear Rolling In The Deep.

Well, I'm sorry about that,

but I'm doing my best to tell you what our position is.

It just doesn't seem to be sinking in.

Someone's mugging me off, Chris. Who is it? Is it you? Is it Corbyn?

-Is it everybody?

-Well, it's certainly not me.

And it's certainly not Jeremy, either.

So, why do I feel like a mug?

Ask your mum.

LAUGHTER

I've got five words for you -

free-dom of move-ment.

Everyone travelling around, living where they like, very nice.

I've got a timeshare in Alicante, I love it. What's Labour's position?

Freedom of movement, when we leave the European Union,

will come to an end, but we will negotiate

a freedom of movement system that is fit for purpose.

A lot of members don't agree with that. 3,000 of your members,

right here, these people. These people.

These people. They've all signed a petition saying

keep freedom of movement.

You've got MPs inside your party campaigning to keep

-freedom of movement.

-They've got strong views.

All I'm hearing is blah, blah, blah, Chris. My bullshit meter is off the charts.

Well, I'm sorry about that, but that's their view and they're

entitled to that view, and they're entitled to campaign for that view.

ANDREW SIGHS

You guys seem to have been giving a lot of big answers

and simultaneously dodging the questions.

-I don't think that's fair.

-That is fair!

It's like, it's like, I don't know what I'm hearing any more.

If I ask you, do you prefer creme de menthe or Bailey's, I probably

wouldn't get a straight answer out of you.

I don't like either.

Would you excuse me for just a second?

SLAMS DOOR

HE YELLS ANGRILY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To be honest with you, Andrew, as much as you seem to have mastered

the sort of chair-based business,

it doesn't really feel like you cracked that particular case.

He was a tough guy, Nish, I'll give you that, but I'll tell you

one thing - I will get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

The closing headlines -

a family who gave up plastic have found it impossible to

give up being smug bastards.

LAUGHTER

BAFTA judges moved by tender, heart-warming story of

woman who shags a fish.

LAUGHTER

And grey-haired, dead-eyed morning Wetherspoon's drinker

only 28.

LAUGHTER

But first, sheepdogs have angrily condemned a glass ceiling

in the workplace, after it emerged that no sheepdog has

ever made the transition to shepherd.

LAUGHTER

Veteran sheepdog Tinker staged a dirty protest in

the back of his shepherd's Subaru,

after his boss/owner responded to his attempts

to throw some herding ideas into the mix

by shutting him up with a biscuit.

However, shepherds have denied a pro-human bias.

I'm all in favour of dogs being shepherds. But you need to be able

to hold a sheep if you're treating her for parasites, don't you?

How are you supposed to do that with paws?

Call me politically incorrect if you like,

but if you don't have thumbs, you can't hold a sheep,

erect an electric fence, you certainly can't drive a van.

I found that out.

Tried getting my dog, Tinker, to do my tax return,

no, absolute disaster, 500 quid fine.

That's all from us.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all from The Mash Report for this week and this series.

Let's take a look back at all the subjects we've covered.

There was Brexit and Trump and...

LAUGHTER

Goodnight!

CHEERING