Episode 1 The Mash Report


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Nish Kumar.

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Welcome to The Mash Report, a show that is perfect for 2017.

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Who cares if the news is real or fake,

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as long as it's shouted at you loudly enough?

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We'll be cutting through the noise to keep you informed,

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with our own brand of robust reporting

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and up-to-the-minute analysis.

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Let's go over to Mash Newsdesk for the latest headlines.

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Headlines on the hour.

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"I get the mad cheddar cos my flow is next-level," says Fiona Bruce.

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LAUGHTER

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And tablet computers under too much pressure to be thin.

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LAUGHTER

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And rail passengers to squeeze inside each other's bums.

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LAUGHTER

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But first, is Doctor Who too scary?

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Some die-hard Doctor Who fans have accused the show of going too far

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after it introduced its most terrifying creature yet...

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a woman.

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LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Emma, why do some fans think women are unsuitable for

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a family audience?

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From the Daleks to the Weeping Angels,

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Who fans are used to scary aliens,

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but, for some male devotees,

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their ultimate fear is the vagina.

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Earlier, I spoke to Wayne Hayes, who runs the Gallifrey Base website

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and is a lifelong Doctor Who fan,

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or Whovian, if you want to be anal about it.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, Doctor Who, as you know, has a rich history of

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frightening monsters,

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but when I saw a confident, attractive woman taking over

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the role of the Doctor...

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I was forced to hide behind my sofa for fear that she somehow

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would come out of the television and strike up a conversation with me.

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LAUGHTER

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I understand some Who Fans also find the idea of a female Doctor

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not only frightening but scientifically implausible.

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Yes, but, weirdly, they were fine with episodes where

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the moon turned out to be a dragon egg,

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the Queen was a werewolf,

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and some other bullshit about dinosaurs on a spaceship.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING

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Thanks, Emma.

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Boris Johnson's charm has officially run out.

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LAUGHTER

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That's the view of experts who've found that the Secretary of State's

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amusing hair, archaic vocabulary,

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and ability to look clumsy in almost all situations

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can no longer conceal his cold, careerist heart of ice.

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Here's Nathan with more.

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As we all know, Boris has a harmless plump physique

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and a voice like a '70s cartoon dog called Mr Trouser.

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LAUGHTER

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Surely that's enough to make us all like him.

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Earlier, I spoke to members of the famously easily led British public,

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who confirmed that they, stupid as they are,

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are no longer taken in.

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Well, Boris was on TV today,

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but, suddenly, instead of a hilarious buffoon,

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all I saw was a strange, middle-aged politician

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with a look of desperate ambition in his eyes,

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and it was so disturbing, I had to turn over to Countryfile

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and try to forget that I voted for Brexit

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because of that clearly fraudulent twat!

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LAUGHTER

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Of course, there is now speculation over whether Boris's complete lack

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of credibility may affect his position as one of

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Britain's most powerful men.

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Probably not, though.

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Back to you, Susan.

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Nathan there, telling us what we already knew.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, come on.

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I mean, what about the time that Boris got his head stuck in a bin?

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That was brilliant.

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I don't recall that, Tom.

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There was a fish in the bin and he went to grab it,

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and he got his head stuck,

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and then he had to run off with the bin on his head,

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because he was chased by Officer Dibble.

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LAUGHTER

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I think you're thinking of the old cartoon series Top Cat,

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which is, of course, different to the news.

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LAUGHTER

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I know what I saw.

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LAUGHTER

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More news later.

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CHEERING

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Thank you, Newsdesk.

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Yes, we're coming to you in the week that the BBC revealed

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the new Doctor Who will be Broadchurch actress Jodie Whittaker.

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A woman playing Doctor Who?!

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What's next? A black James Bond?!

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A gay Batman?!

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An Asian comedian hosting a prime-time TV comedy show?

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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Yes, that's right,

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and next we're coming for all of your jobs!

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This is political correctness gone mad.

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But the big story for me is Brexit, the elephant in every room.

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Brexit is happening, whether you voted for it or not,

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so the issue is now how the negotiations are progressing.

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On Monday, David Davis sat down with Michel Barnier,

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the EU's chief Brexit negotiator.

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Now, I've got a little tip for you, David.

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If you're involved in what you've described

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as "the most complicated negotiations of all time",

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maybe bring something to write with and maybe some notes.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

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You can imagine the negotiations starting with,

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"Do you have any demands?"

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"Yes, the UK is insistent that I be given a spare piece of paper

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"and one of those pens that has all the different colours in it."

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LAUGHTER

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Showing up with no notes, though, is confident,

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so Davis must be absolutely nailing it, right?

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The short answer is no.

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The long answer is NOOOO!

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LAUGHTER

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He opened negotiations on the back foot.

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Having gone in insisting that there would be a parallel

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discussion on trade, on day one, the EU president insisted that

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would not happen, to which David Davis responded,

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"Yeah, that's cool."

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That was the first day!

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That's like if I'd started this show by saying,

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"Welcome to The Mash Report. My name's Nish Kumar.

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"This week's top story - I've shat myself."

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LAUGHTER

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Not all the decisions have been completely illogical.

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The civil service recruited negotiators who helped bring

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the Olympic games to London,

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which was a complex international negotiation.

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The motto of the London Olympics was, of course,

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"Inspire a generation."

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But, in retrospect, it probably should have been,

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"This is the last time any of you will be happy."

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LAUGHTER

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The negotiations have been further complicated by infighting

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within the Tory party, between the Remainers,

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people who want Brexit, and people who really want Brexit.

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On Tuesday, Theresa May reminded her ministers of the folly

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of infighting, to which her ministers presumably responded,

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"Oh! You're still here!"

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LAUGHTER "Oh!"

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Tensions were also high at the annual Spectator garden party

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between Boris Johnson and David Davis,

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and their respective representatives,

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over allegations that Davis' people have been briefing against

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the Foreign Secretary.

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One of Johnson's allies is reported to have called for

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all briefings to stop, or - and this is the genuine direct quote -

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"I'll kick you in the bollocks."

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LAUGHTER

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To which Davis' ally replied,

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"Well, I'll kick YOU in the bollocks."

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Our country's future is in the hands of people who operate

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on a rhetorical level one notch below "he who smelt it dealt it".

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LAUGHTER

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So, why is everyone fighting?

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It seems to be because no-one really knows what Brexit means

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or what the long-term consequences will be, and it really is starting

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to feel like we've not put our most talented people on the task.

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There's child of Unimaginative Naming Magazine's parents of the decade,

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David Davis...

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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..a man who, during his bid for the leadership of the Tory party,

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decided it would be a good idea to dress women in tight T-shirts

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saying, "It's DD for me."

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Just to clarify, his main selling point is,

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"My name sounds like a boob size!" LAUGHTER

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Then you've got Theresa May,

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a woman whose most impressive achievement was being so ineffective

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that Jeremy Corbyn went from no-hoper to possible Prime Minister

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to Glastonbury headliner.

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LAUGHTER

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And then there's Boris Johnson,

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a man with the vocabulary of a Victorian man

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and the political outlook of a Victorian man.

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Only 22% of people are happy with how the Government

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are handling Brexit,

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so what is the solution?

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With public confidence in the toilet,

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we need something to turn this around.

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We need to think back to the last time

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we thought something was going to be a terrible disaster,

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and a huge waste of money, but ended up being amazing.

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I'm, of course, talking about the 2012 Olympics.

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Therefore, the only logical step is to

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get Danny Boyle to artistically direct Brexit.

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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Sod it!

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I say, let's get the whole gang back together.

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Seb Coe, wherever he is, dust off that linen suit.

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Let's revive that weird flying Mary Poppins air squadron,

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and let's get Mo Farah to just run laps of Brussels,

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just to intimidate everyone.

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And while we're at it, let's replace David Davis

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and Boris Johnson with those weird penis mascots.

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LAUGHTER

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And listen...

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If the going gets really tough,

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let's have James Bond parachute in with the actual Queen.

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You don't need a pen and paper when you've got 007 and big Liz.

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CHEERING

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Now, throughout the show, we'll have our social media editor,

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Rachel Parris, over there feeding us everything that you,

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the great British public, are saying about The Mash Report

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and the stories we're covering.

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It's incredibly exciting because, in a UK television first,

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we won't filter or censor your messages.

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Instead, we respect your freedom to offer bold, honest,

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and sometimes challenging opinions.

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Rachel, over to you.

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Thank you, Nish. That's right. Well done.

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LAUGHTER

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So, all you need to do is tweet or Facebook us

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with the handle #MashReport, and your thoughts,

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your observations or analysis will come directly through to me, myself.

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-Now, it absolutely...

-LAUGHTER

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We're so desperate for your communication,

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so do please keep those coming.

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So, first up, we've got...

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Finners1 from Blackpool has sent in a question.

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He says, "Do people actually watch this shit?"

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LAUGHTER

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Well, that's a question I think we're all asking ourselves.

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LAUGHTER

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And if any of you do know the answer to that question,

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please do get in touch with us.

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Ah... Here's another one.

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This is from Spunky-Dunky666,

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who says, "Nish Kumar must have a fucking good agent."

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, he absolutely does, Spunky-Dunky666.

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He's a lovely man called Chris.

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He's very good at what he does.

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Sorry, are there any serious ones?

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Oh, yes, absolutely, Nish. So, here's one.

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RichieLoob has tweeted...

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-Oh, that's nice. That's actually nice.

-Isn't it?

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-And, "Here's a picture of my cock."

-Oh.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Is there anything about the news?

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Yes, absolutely. So, let's see...

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This one is from SlippyPhil.

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"..and Britons must be healthy for the coming race war."

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LAUGHTER

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Nothing as important as our health, right, Nish?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, this has been disappointing.

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Absolutely.

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LAUGHTER

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-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

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CHEERING

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Elsewhere in the news, Donald Trump has had a difficult week,

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and we literally could have said that every week

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since the 20th of January, and it would have been true every time.

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Donald Trump's approval rating hit a record 70-year low of just 36%,

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and to put that in perspective,

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that is the RottenTomatoes.com approval rating of 2 Fast 2 Furious.

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LAUGHTER

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With all the controversy, Trump has been forced to retreat

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to his traditional support base -

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old ladies in Confederate flag bikinis and the Christian right.

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Last week, Trump was interviewed by televangelist Pat Robertson

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in a scene that looks like a cross between Frost/Nixon

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and The Last Of The Summer Wine.

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So, why are American evangelicals supporting a man seemingly

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so antithetical to their Christian values?

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To shed more light on the Christian right's obsession with Trump,

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please welcome our religious affairs correspondent Andrew Hunter Murray.

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-CHEERING

-Thank you. Thank you.

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Andrew, welcome. So, let's get down to it -

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why is Donald Trump so big with American Christians?

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Well, Nish, it's fair to say that Trump has been promoting

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traditionally hot-button issues for the Christian right -

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things like abortion, women's reproductive rights,

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sex education, that kind of thing.

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And what's his stance on all those?

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It's basically, "None of those things affect me or my buddies

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"in the slightest, so screw 'em."

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LAUGHTER

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OK, but how can a religious group, who prize modesty,

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helping others and fidelity, really get behind Donald Trump?

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He might be the Messiah.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, you're going to have to explain that further.

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Nish, think about it.

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Christians don't love Donald Trump

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because he adheres to the teachings of Jesus -

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he obviously doesn't.

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They love them because they think he IS Jesus.

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They worship him.

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Take a look at this gentleman.

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The Messiah will arrive

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and the end times will begin in the Jewish calendar year 5777.

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That's 2016 to 2017, the Messiah will arrive.

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Now they're looking at Donald Trump.

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One of the rabbis illustrated how his name in the gematria...

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the numerology of his name actually means Messiah.

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LAUGHTER

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Open and shut, Nish.

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LAUGHTER

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So, is the Donald the Messiah?

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To find out a little more,

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I spoke to some genuine leading Christians to get their view.

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CHOIR SINGS

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President Donald Trump once said The Art Of The Deal

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was the second-greatest book ever written, after the Bible.

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He put the Bible first.

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-It is that kind of humility...

-LAUGHTER

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..which has led many to conclude that Donald Trump may

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be the new Messiah,

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but is he?

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Without any definitive proof that Donald Trump is the prophet

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many evangelical Christians hope him to be,

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I went to speak to former MP, devoted Christian,

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and star of ITV's reality show

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-Sugar-Free Farm, Ann Widdecombe.

-LAUGHTER

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What about these very enthusiastic Trump supporters?

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At various rallies that Trump held,

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there were people with signs saying "Trump the Redeemer",

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"Trump is Christ",

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"It's not a comb-over, it's a halo".

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-LAUGHTER

-No. I mean, these are not sentiments

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that would appeal to any serious Christian.

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We have one Redeemer - one Redeemer.

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But aren't there are similarities between the two?

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No.

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-There are no parallels whatsoever?

-No.

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Christ said, "Blessed are those who have not seen but still believe."

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He did.

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How different is that from Donald Trump saying,

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"I will show you my tax returns at some point"?

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-There is nothing uniquely comparable to Christ in Donald Trump.

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One last thing.

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A lot of people have seen images of Christ.

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So...

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Mm-hmm?

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Some people have seen Donald Trump in butter.

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Ah... Is that real?

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Is that real? Is that real?

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OK.

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It seems Ann Widdecombe is unconvinced by Donald Trump's

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messianic qualities, so I went to see Paul Turp,

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the vicar at Shoreditch Parish Church.

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There are a lot of similarities, aren't there,

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between Christ and Donald Trump?

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The way that huge numbers of people

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came out in their thousands and thousands to vote for him

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and support him, and the way that the elites

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are really worried and scared and want nothing to do with him...

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-that is a frightening parallel.

-LAUGHTER

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Do you think that Jesus would have voted for Trump?

0:17:110:17:14

I think undoubtedly.

0:17:140:17:16

-LAUGHTER

-You think he would have voted for Trump?

-Absolutely.

0:17:160:17:19

Do you think Christ would have brought back waterboarding?

0:17:190:17:22

-LAUGHTER

-No.

0:17:220:17:24

Jesus was very famous for laying his hands on people to heal them.

0:17:240:17:29

Yeah.

0:17:290:17:30

Donald Trump, in the past,

0:17:300:17:32

has spoken about grabbing people by the pussy.

0:17:320:17:35

-LAUGHTER

-Mm-hmm.

-Is it possible he was trying to heal them?

0:17:350:17:38

I don't think Donald was doing that for their benefit.

0:17:380:17:41

Is there a possibility he is the new Messiah?

0:17:410:17:45

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-In political terms, huge chance.

0:17:450:17:49

And in actual terms?

0:17:490:17:50

-In religious terms...

-Yeah.

0:17:500:17:53

..erm, very little chance.

0:17:530:17:55

But a chance.

0:17:550:17:56

-I'm saying there's a chance.

-All right.

0:17:560:17:59

Garlanded by evangelical Christians, hailed by some as a prophet,

0:17:590:18:04

there is every chance that Donald Trump may just be the next Messiah,

0:18:040:18:08

despite being a tax-dodging, pussy-grabbing habitual liar

0:18:080:18:12

who may not believe in God.

0:18:120:18:14

CHEERING

0:18:140:18:16

My main takeaway from that is...

0:18:240:18:27

Ann Widdecombe is looking good since Sugar-Free Farm.

0:18:270:18:29

-Isn't she just? Yes.

-Yeah!

0:18:290:18:31

Thank you very much, Andrew Hunter Murray!

0:18:310:18:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:330:18:35

Let's go back to the Mash Newsdesk for the latest stories.

0:18:370:18:41

Corbyn connects with young people by vandalising bus shelter.

0:18:480:18:52

LAUGHTER

0:18:520:18:56

"Who are you?" ask wealthy parents as private schools

0:18:560:18:58

begin summer holidays.

0:18:580:19:00

LAUGHTER

0:19:000:19:02

APPLAUSE

0:19:040:19:06

Trump thinks impeachment means really enjoying a peach.

0:19:070:19:11

LAUGHTER

0:19:110:19:13

But first, a 28-year-old man expects praise for not being a misogynist.

0:19:130:19:19

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:19:190:19:21

Roy Hobbs thinks his decision to treat women as equals warrants

0:19:260:19:30

the kind of respect normally afforded top scientists

0:19:300:19:33

or people who've donated their bone marrow.

0:19:330:19:36

LAUGHTER

0:19:360:19:38

Uh... I guess I'm just a, sort of, thoughtful sort of guy.

0:19:380:19:44

When I watch pornography, I always make sure it's,

0:19:440:19:47

you know, really nicely lit,

0:19:470:19:49

-and it's a romantic scene.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:52

Um... What else?

0:19:520:19:54

I like Wonder Woman, abortions,

0:19:540:19:56

and I'm also reading a book by a woman at the moment -

0:19:560:20:01

a long one, as well - so I suppose you could say...

0:20:010:20:07

I'm some sort of hero, really. Well, maybe not.

0:20:070:20:09

Maybe not...

0:20:090:20:11

but maybe I am, you know?

0:20:110:20:12

LAUGHTER

0:20:120:20:14

Roy Hobbs there, just doing his bit.

0:20:210:20:23

LAUGHTER

0:20:230:20:25

ITV's prediction that you like morons rutting on an island

0:20:250:20:28

has proved depressingly accurate.

0:20:280:20:30

LAUGHTER

0:20:300:20:32

As reality series Love Island continues to captivate the nation,

0:20:320:20:35

Emma met its producer to ask him why you like it

0:20:350:20:38

and how he sleeps at night.

0:20:380:20:40

Here I am on so-called Love Island,

0:20:400:20:43

where a group of women with huge breasts and small, mean faces,

0:20:430:20:47

plus a gang of neckless mouth-breathers,

0:20:470:20:49

are currently doing it in some sort of hut thing.

0:20:490:20:52

I spoke to ITV executive Tom Booker, the visionary genius behind the show

0:20:520:20:56

that has captured Britain's dark heart.

0:20:560:20:59

Yeah, normally we'd dress this thing up as

0:20:590:21:01

a kind of bold social experiment that's pushing the boundaries.

0:21:010:21:05

Nah, not this time, no.

0:21:050:21:07

It's just idiots rutting on the sand.

0:21:070:21:10

Yeah, it's strong and simple...

0:21:100:21:13

like our contestants.

0:21:130:21:14

LAUGHTER

0:21:140:21:17

So, Emma, do you know what's in store this week on Love Island?

0:21:170:21:20

I can reveal there's more depressing fake emotion from knuckleheads

0:21:200:21:24

who will shortly have a brief DJ career,

0:21:240:21:26

before getting arrested for trashing a Nando's.

0:21:260:21:29

Plus, the introduction of Dax, a super-hot horse

0:21:290:21:32

who everyone will fancy.

0:21:320:21:35

LAUGHTER

0:21:350:21:37

Count me in!

0:21:390:21:40

We'll be back with more later.

0:21:410:21:44

CHEERING

0:21:440:21:46

So, as part of the push for greater diversity at the BBC,

0:21:500:21:53

we've reached out to a Conservative,

0:21:530:21:56

so I'm very excited to introduce Geoff Norcott,

0:21:560:21:59

with a section we call Bursting The Bubble.

0:21:590:22:01

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:22:010:22:03

Thank you. Very kind. Thank you. Very, very kind.

0:22:030:22:06

Have we got any other Tories in?

0:22:060:22:09

LAUGHTER

0:22:090:22:11

-It's going to be a long four minutes, isn't it?

-Yeah!

0:22:110:22:13

Not only are you a Tory, Geoff, you're also a working-class Tory.

0:22:130:22:17

That's right. That's right.

0:22:170:22:18

I grew up on a council estate, and my dad was a trade union man,

0:22:180:22:20

so growing up I was sort of like a political Billy Elliot.

0:22:200:22:23

Do you know what I mean? I had to... It was very difficult for me.

0:22:230:22:25

I had to hide the Telegraph inside a copy of Razzle. It was tough.

0:22:250:22:29

LAUGHTER And what are you going to be

0:22:290:22:31

covering for us on this week's Bursting The Bubble, Geoff?

0:22:310:22:34

Today, Nish, I'm going to be telling you some harsh truths

0:22:340:22:36

about NHS funding.

0:22:360:22:37

OK, I'm going into this with an open mind.

0:22:370:22:40

Oh, yeah. I heard you liberals are capable of that.

0:22:400:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:430:22:44

So, last week, the Office for Budget Responsibility,

0:22:440:22:47

they issued their fiscal risks report, which highlighted

0:22:470:22:50

that health spending was the biggest threat to Government economic plans.

0:22:500:22:54

And would you agree, Nish,

0:22:540:22:55

that the NHS is under pressure like never before?

0:22:550:22:58

Yeah, definitely.

0:22:580:22:59

I mean, there's an inherent funding problem, isn't there?

0:22:590:23:01

You put in money, you develop new medicines, new machinery,

0:23:010:23:05

people live...

0:23:050:23:07

Yeah... LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:09

-It's a vicious circle.

-I...

0:23:090:23:11

LAUGHTER

0:23:110:23:13

OK, I would say that the NHS is perhaps a victim of its own success.

0:23:130:23:17

OK, well, fair enough,

0:23:170:23:19

but do you agree that there are people abusing free health care?

0:23:190:23:22

Do you think that that's a fair shout?

0:23:220:23:24

OK, there are people who maybe use the NHS when they don't need to.

0:23:240:23:28

-Yeah.

-I'll agree with that.

0:23:280:23:29

OK, and by people, let's say which people - old people.

0:23:290:23:32

-OK, let's...

-I mean, there's...

0:23:320:23:33

Wait, hold on. Hold on, Geoff. Hold on, mate.

0:23:330:23:36

Well, the elderly, Nish, I mean, they've just...

0:23:360:23:38

They should be dead by now, but they're just...

0:23:380:23:40

-LAUGHTER

-They're just stringing it out,

0:23:400:23:42

and just hanging on in there,

0:23:420:23:44

frankly, taking the piss, and...

0:23:440:23:47

I think what you'd need...

0:23:470:23:48

I think you would need an age where treatment stops,

0:23:480:23:50

where you say, "Look, you've had a good go at it, but I think that's...

0:23:500:23:53

"I think you're done now." And I...

0:23:530:23:56

I've got an age in mind.

0:23:560:23:57

I think we're all thinking it, so I'll say it - 80.

0:23:570:23:59

-I think you're done...

-LAUGHTER

0:23:590:24:01

I think you're done when you're 80.

0:24:010:24:03

What, you want to stick around for another golden year

0:24:030:24:05

in the dayroom watching Cash In The Attic? We...

0:24:050:24:08

We want your cash that's in the attic. That's...

0:24:080:24:10

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's... That's the plan.

0:24:100:24:13

I would describe that round of applause as concerning.

0:24:180:24:21

Come on, Geoff, you can't be serious.

0:24:230:24:24

I know a lot of people think,

0:24:240:24:25

"But, Geoff, I know particularly vigorous 80-year-olds."

0:24:250:24:28

And I'm not a monster,

0:24:280:24:29

-so, of course, there should be an appeals process.

-OK, well, that...

0:24:290:24:32

LAUGHTER OK, that is better.

0:24:320:24:34

Yeah, and by "appeals process" I mean "televised talent show".

0:24:340:24:37

-LAUGHTER Right.

-So, it's...

0:24:370:24:39

It's going to be called "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Ethel?"

0:24:390:24:42

Right? Cos they... They...

0:24:420:24:43

-Because the old dears, they love a singsong, don't they?

-Sure.

0:24:430:24:46

So get them out, and she comes out and sings We'll Meet Again.

0:24:460:24:49

"Will we meet again, Ethel? Let's go to the public vote." Erm...

0:24:490:24:52

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry, love.

0:24:520:24:55

Sorry, love, you haven't made it.

0:24:550:24:57

You're not going to London but you might be going to Switzerland, so...

0:24:570:24:59

-LAUGHTER Geoff, Geoff...

-It's...

0:24:590:25:02

-APPLAUSE

-They like it.

0:25:020:25:04

Geoff, I'm trying to keep an open mind,

0:25:080:25:10

but you are losing me here, mate.

0:25:100:25:12

OK, look, let's come at this from another angle.

0:25:120:25:14

-I'll throw a stat at you.

-OK.

0:25:140:25:15

It's estimated that 30,000 people a day miss doctor's appointments.

0:25:150:25:18

Right? You've go to agree that's a problem, right?

0:25:180:25:21

Yeah, that's a problem.

0:25:210:25:22

-Yeah.

-And I'm not saying you should charge those people,

0:25:220:25:24

but I do think if you miss three on the bounce, outside the doctor's

0:25:240:25:27

surgery should be a photo of your face with the word "Chlamydia?"

0:25:270:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:32

I do not have chlamydia, OK?!

0:25:320:25:34

LAUGHTER

0:25:340:25:37

What do you mean?!

0:25:370:25:39

Well, you throw it about a bit, but, erm...

0:25:390:25:40

NISH GIGGLES

0:25:400:25:42

I mean, much as I wish it wasn't, that is factually untrue!

0:25:480:25:51

-Are you done?

-I could tell you my views on foster care...

0:25:530:25:56

Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

0:25:560:25:58

-CHEERING

-Thank you, thank you...

0:25:580:26:00

Right, let's go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall

0:26:020:26:05

to see all the latest comment and analysis from

0:26:050:26:07

the Great British public to the stories we've been covering tonight.

0:26:070:26:10

Rachel, what have the people been saying?

0:26:100:26:13

Thanks, Nish.

0:26:130:26:14

So, please do keep sending in your thoughts.

0:26:140:26:16

We're incredibly grateful for any messages at all at this stage.

0:26:160:26:19

LAUGHTER

0:26:190:26:21

So, this one comes from Norman Legge. He asks...

0:26:210:26:24

LAUGHTER

0:26:310:26:33

Rachel, is there anything about any of the issues?

0:26:330:26:36

Yes, absolutely. Yes, OK, so this one's from JimmyThickBits.

0:26:360:26:40

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:43

So, Jimmy writes...

0:26:430:26:45

-LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

0:26:490:26:52

So, thank you so much, Jimmy,

0:26:530:26:54

for bringing a bit of much-needed balance there.

0:26:540:26:58

BBC pay really capturing the imagination of the viewers, Nish.

0:26:580:27:02

Jehovas-Bell comments...

0:27:020:27:04

Oh, nice. That's a refreshing take on the whole thing.

0:27:080:27:11

"Because he will burn eternally for being a sodomist."

0:27:110:27:13

LAUGHTER

0:27:130:27:15

Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!

0:27:220:27:23

CHEERING

0:27:230:27:26

And we just have time for one last visit to the Mash Newsdesk.

0:27:270:27:31

Closing headlines...

0:27:390:27:40

Tories to keep eating each other until there's just

0:27:400:27:43

one big Tory left.

0:27:430:27:44

LAUGHTER

0:27:440:27:46

"That flower was gagging for it," says bee.

0:27:470:27:50

LAUGHTER

0:27:500:27:53

And Britons reminded not to fax while driving.

0:27:530:27:57

LAUGHTER

0:27:570:27:59

But first, a middle-class family is recovering after being forced to

0:27:590:28:03

travel on a Megabus.

0:28:030:28:05

LAUGHTER

0:28:050:28:08

Emma has more on the story for us. Emma.

0:28:080:28:10

Bill McKay, a well-spoken man with his own office,

0:28:100:28:14

travelled to London from Reading with his wife, Lucy,

0:28:140:28:16

and three polite children,

0:28:160:28:18

to see some tasteful art at the Tate Modern,

0:28:180:28:20

but what should have been a status-affirming day out

0:28:200:28:22

turned into a smelly, low-budget nightmare

0:28:220:28:25

when train cancellations left the Waitrose-frequenting family

0:28:250:28:28

with no option but to take a Megabus.

0:28:280:28:30

I took the last remaining seat, next to the lavatories,

0:28:320:28:36

beside a gentleman who was very loudly playing music from his phone.

0:28:360:28:41

The air was full of the sounds and smells of people devouring

0:28:440:28:50

all sorts of different provisions.

0:28:500:28:52

-LAUGHTER

-A child was screaming,

0:28:520:28:54

and a woman two rows in front of me weeping audibly.

0:28:540:28:58

I...

0:28:580:28:59

I was a little concerned that my proximity to the WC would be

0:28:590:29:02

a problem, but it was such a relatively short journey

0:29:020:29:05

that I thought, "Well, nobody could have cause to defecate."

0:29:050:29:08

LAUGHTER

0:29:080:29:11

How wrong I was.

0:29:110:29:12

LAUGHTER

0:29:120:29:14

At the end of their agonising two-hour journey, the McKay family

0:29:160:29:19

were airlifted to a sushi restaurant and given an emergency harpist.

0:29:190:29:23

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-They are expected to make a full recovery,

0:29:230:29:26

although doctors believe Lucinda McKay may write a book.

0:29:260:29:29

-LAUGHTER

-We'll be back with more later.

0:29:290:29:32

CHEERING

0:29:320:29:34

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching.

0:29:370:29:39

Join us next week for more fake news, real news,

0:29:390:29:42

and everything in between.

0:29:420:29:44

Goodnight!

0:29:440:29:45

CHEERING

0:29:450:29:47

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