Episode 1 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Nish Kumar.

Welcome to The Mash Report, a show that is perfect for 2017.

Who cares if the news is real or fake,

as long as it's shouted at you loudly enough?

We'll be cutting through the noise to keep you informed,

with our own brand of robust reporting

and up-to-the-minute analysis.

Let's go over to Mash Newsdesk for the latest headlines.

Headlines on the hour.

"I get the mad cheddar cos my flow is next-level," says Fiona Bruce.

LAUGHTER

And tablet computers under too much pressure to be thin.

LAUGHTER

And rail passengers to squeeze inside each other's bums.

LAUGHTER

But first, is Doctor Who too scary?

Some die-hard Doctor Who fans have accused the show of going too far

after it introduced its most terrifying creature yet...

a woman.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Emma, why do some fans think women are unsuitable for

a family audience?

From the Daleks to the Weeping Angels,

Who fans are used to scary aliens,

but, for some male devotees,

their ultimate fear is the vagina.

Earlier, I spoke to Wayne Hayes, who runs the Gallifrey Base website

and is a lifelong Doctor Who fan,

or Whovian, if you want to be anal about it.

LAUGHTER

Well, Doctor Who, as you know, has a rich history of

frightening monsters,

but when I saw a confident, attractive woman taking over

the role of the Doctor...

I was forced to hide behind my sofa for fear that she somehow

would come out of the television and strike up a conversation with me.

LAUGHTER

I understand some Who Fans also find the idea of a female Doctor

not only frightening but scientifically implausible.

Yes, but, weirdly, they were fine with episodes where

the moon turned out to be a dragon egg,

the Queen was a werewolf,

and some other bullshit about dinosaurs on a spaceship.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Thanks, Emma.

Boris Johnson's charm has officially run out.

LAUGHTER

That's the view of experts who've found that the Secretary of State's

amusing hair, archaic vocabulary,

and ability to look clumsy in almost all situations

can no longer conceal his cold, careerist heart of ice.

Here's Nathan with more.

As we all know, Boris has a harmless plump physique

and a voice like a '70s cartoon dog called Mr Trouser.

LAUGHTER

Surely that's enough to make us all like him.

Earlier, I spoke to members of the famously easily led British public,

who confirmed that they, stupid as they are,

are no longer taken in.

Well, Boris was on TV today,

but, suddenly, instead of a hilarious buffoon,

all I saw was a strange, middle-aged politician

with a look of desperate ambition in his eyes,

and it was so disturbing, I had to turn over to Countryfile

and try to forget that I voted for Brexit

because of that clearly fraudulent twat!

LAUGHTER

Of course, there is now speculation over whether Boris's complete lack

of credibility may affect his position as one of

Britain's most powerful men.

Probably not, though.

Back to you, Susan.

Nathan there, telling us what we already knew.

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on.

I mean, what about the time that Boris got his head stuck in a bin?

That was brilliant.

I don't recall that, Tom.

There was a fish in the bin and he went to grab it,

and he got his head stuck,

and then he had to run off with the bin on his head,

because he was chased by Officer Dibble.

LAUGHTER

I think you're thinking of the old cartoon series Top Cat,

which is, of course, different to the news.

LAUGHTER

I know what I saw.

LAUGHTER

More news later.

CHEERING

Thank you, Newsdesk.

Yes, we're coming to you in the week that the BBC revealed

the new Doctor Who will be Broadchurch actress Jodie Whittaker.

A woman playing Doctor Who?!

What's next? A black James Bond?!

A gay Batman?!

An Asian comedian hosting a prime-time TV comedy show?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Yes, that's right,

and next we're coming for all of your jobs!

This is political correctness gone mad.

But the big story for me is Brexit, the elephant in every room.

Brexit is happening, whether you voted for it or not,

so the issue is now how the negotiations are progressing.

On Monday, David Davis sat down with Michel Barnier,

the EU's chief Brexit negotiator.

Now, I've got a little tip for you, David.

If you're involved in what you've described

as "the most complicated negotiations of all time",

maybe bring something to write with and maybe some notes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

You can imagine the negotiations starting with,

"Do you have any demands?"

"Yes, the UK is insistent that I be given a spare piece of paper

"and one of those pens that has all the different colours in it."

LAUGHTER

Showing up with no notes, though, is confident,

so Davis must be absolutely nailing it, right?

The short answer is no.

The long answer is NOOOO!

LAUGHTER

He opened negotiations on the back foot.

Having gone in insisting that there would be a parallel

discussion on trade, on day one, the EU president insisted that

would not happen, to which David Davis responded,

"Yeah, that's cool."

That was the first day!

That's like if I'd started this show by saying,

"Welcome to The Mash Report. My name's Nish Kumar.

"This week's top story - I've shat myself."

LAUGHTER

Not all the decisions have been completely illogical.

The civil service recruited negotiators who helped bring

the Olympic games to London,

which was a complex international negotiation.

The motto of the London Olympics was, of course,

"Inspire a generation."

But, in retrospect, it probably should have been,

"This is the last time any of you will be happy."

LAUGHTER

The negotiations have been further complicated by infighting

within the Tory party, between the Remainers,

people who want Brexit, and people who really want Brexit.

On Tuesday, Theresa May reminded her ministers of the folly

of infighting, to which her ministers presumably responded,

"Oh! You're still here!"

LAUGHTER "Oh!"

Tensions were also high at the annual Spectator garden party

between Boris Johnson and David Davis,

and their respective representatives,

over allegations that Davis' people have been briefing against

the Foreign Secretary.

One of Johnson's allies is reported to have called for

all briefings to stop, or - and this is the genuine direct quote -

"I'll kick you in the bollocks."

LAUGHTER

To which Davis' ally replied,

"Well, I'll kick YOU in the bollocks."

Our country's future is in the hands of people who operate

on a rhetorical level one notch below "he who smelt it dealt it".

LAUGHTER

So, why is everyone fighting?

It seems to be because no-one really knows what Brexit means

or what the long-term consequences will be, and it really is starting

to feel like we've not put our most talented people on the task.

There's child of Unimaginative Naming Magazine's parents of the decade,

David Davis...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

..a man who, during his bid for the leadership of the Tory party,

decided it would be a good idea to dress women in tight T-shirts

saying, "It's DD for me."

Just to clarify, his main selling point is,

"My name sounds like a boob size!" LAUGHTER

Then you've got Theresa May,

a woman whose most impressive achievement was being so ineffective

that Jeremy Corbyn went from no-hoper to possible Prime Minister

to Glastonbury headliner.

LAUGHTER

And then there's Boris Johnson,

a man with the vocabulary of a Victorian man

and the political outlook of a Victorian man.

Only 22% of people are happy with how the Government

are handling Brexit,

so what is the solution?

With public confidence in the toilet,

we need something to turn this around.

We need to think back to the last time

we thought something was going to be a terrible disaster,

and a huge waste of money, but ended up being amazing.

I'm, of course, talking about the 2012 Olympics.

Therefore, the only logical step is to

get Danny Boyle to artistically direct Brexit.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Sod it!

I say, let's get the whole gang back together.

Seb Coe, wherever he is, dust off that linen suit.

Let's revive that weird flying Mary Poppins air squadron,

and let's get Mo Farah to just run laps of Brussels,

just to intimidate everyone.

And while we're at it, let's replace David Davis

and Boris Johnson with those weird penis mascots.

LAUGHTER

And listen...

If the going gets really tough,

let's have James Bond parachute in with the actual Queen.

You don't need a pen and paper when you've got 007 and big Liz.

CHEERING

Now, throughout the show, we'll have our social media editor,

Rachel Parris, over there feeding us everything that you,

the great British public, are saying about The Mash Report

and the stories we're covering.

It's incredibly exciting because, in a UK television first,

we won't filter or censor your messages.

Instead, we respect your freedom to offer bold, honest,

and sometimes challenging opinions.

Rachel, over to you.

Thank you, Nish. That's right. Well done.

LAUGHTER

So, all you need to do is tweet or Facebook us

with the handle #MashReport, and your thoughts,

your observations or analysis will come directly through to me, myself.

-Now, it absolutely...

-LAUGHTER

We're so desperate for your communication,

so do please keep those coming.

So, first up, we've got...

Finners1 from Blackpool has sent in a question.

He says, "Do people actually watch this shit?"

LAUGHTER

Well, that's a question I think we're all asking ourselves.

LAUGHTER

And if any of you do know the answer to that question,

please do get in touch with us.

Ah... Here's another one.

This is from Spunky-Dunky666,

who says, "Nish Kumar must have a fucking good agent."

LAUGHTER

Yes, he absolutely does, Spunky-Dunky666.

He's a lovely man called Chris.

He's very good at what he does.

Sorry, are there any serious ones?

Oh, yes, absolutely, Nish. So, here's one.

RichieLoob has tweeted...

-Oh, that's nice. That's actually nice.

-Isn't it?

-And, "Here's a picture of my cock."

-Oh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there anything about the news?

Yes, absolutely. So, let's see...

This one is from SlippyPhil.

"..and Britons must be healthy for the coming race war."

LAUGHTER

Nothing as important as our health, right, Nish?

LAUGHTER

Well, this has been disappointing.

Absolutely.

LAUGHTER

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING

Elsewhere in the news, Donald Trump has had a difficult week,

and we literally could have said that every week

since the 20th of January, and it would have been true every time.

Donald Trump's approval rating hit a record 70-year low of just 36%,

and to put that in perspective,

that is the RottenTomatoes.com approval rating of 2 Fast 2 Furious.

LAUGHTER

With all the controversy, Trump has been forced to retreat

to his traditional support base -

old ladies in Confederate flag bikinis and the Christian right.

Last week, Trump was interviewed by televangelist Pat Robertson

in a scene that looks like a cross between Frost/Nixon

and The Last Of The Summer Wine.

So, why are American evangelicals supporting a man seemingly

so antithetical to their Christian values?

To shed more light on the Christian right's obsession with Trump,

please welcome our religious affairs correspondent Andrew Hunter Murray.

-CHEERING

-Thank you. Thank you.

Andrew, welcome. So, let's get down to it -

why is Donald Trump so big with American Christians?

Well, Nish, it's fair to say that Trump has been promoting

traditionally hot-button issues for the Christian right -

things like abortion, women's reproductive rights,

sex education, that kind of thing.

And what's his stance on all those?

It's basically, "None of those things affect me or my buddies

"in the slightest, so screw 'em."

LAUGHTER

OK, but how can a religious group, who prize modesty,

helping others and fidelity, really get behind Donald Trump?

He might be the Messiah.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you're going to have to explain that further.

Nish, think about it.

Christians don't love Donald Trump

because he adheres to the teachings of Jesus -

he obviously doesn't.

They love them because they think he IS Jesus.

They worship him.

Take a look at this gentleman.

The Messiah will arrive

and the end times will begin in the Jewish calendar year 5777.

That's 2016 to 2017, the Messiah will arrive.

Now they're looking at Donald Trump.

One of the rabbis illustrated how his name in the gematria...

the numerology of his name actually means Messiah.

LAUGHTER

Open and shut, Nish.

LAUGHTER

So, is the Donald the Messiah?

To find out a little more,

I spoke to some genuine leading Christians to get their view.

CHOIR SINGS

President Donald Trump once said The Art Of The Deal

was the second-greatest book ever written, after the Bible.

He put the Bible first.

-It is that kind of humility...

-LAUGHTER

..which has led many to conclude that Donald Trump may

be the new Messiah,

but is he?

Without any definitive proof that Donald Trump is the prophet

many evangelical Christians hope him to be,

I went to speak to former MP, devoted Christian,

and star of ITV's reality show

-Sugar-Free Farm, Ann Widdecombe.

-LAUGHTER

What about these very enthusiastic Trump supporters?

At various rallies that Trump held,

there were people with signs saying "Trump the Redeemer",

"Trump is Christ",

"It's not a comb-over, it's a halo".

-LAUGHTER

-No. I mean, these are not sentiments

that would appeal to any serious Christian.

We have one Redeemer - one Redeemer.

But aren't there are similarities between the two?

No.

-There are no parallels whatsoever?

-No.

Christ said, "Blessed are those who have not seen but still believe."

He did.

How different is that from Donald Trump saying,

"I will show you my tax returns at some point"?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-There is nothing uniquely comparable to Christ in Donald Trump.

One last thing.

A lot of people have seen images of Christ.

So...

Mm-hmm?

Some people have seen Donald Trump in butter.

Ah... Is that real?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Is that real? Is that real?

OK.

It seems Ann Widdecombe is unconvinced by Donald Trump's

messianic qualities, so I went to see Paul Turp,

the vicar at Shoreditch Parish Church.

There are a lot of similarities, aren't there,

between Christ and Donald Trump?

The way that huge numbers of people

came out in their thousands and thousands to vote for him

and support him, and the way that the elites

are really worried and scared and want nothing to do with him...

-that is a frightening parallel.

-LAUGHTER

Do you think that Jesus would have voted for Trump?

I think undoubtedly.

-LAUGHTER

-You think he would have voted for Trump?

-Absolutely.

Do you think Christ would have brought back waterboarding?

-LAUGHTER

-No.

Jesus was very famous for laying his hands on people to heal them.

Yeah.

Donald Trump, in the past,

has spoken about grabbing people by the pussy.

-LAUGHTER

-Mm-hmm.

-Is it possible he was trying to heal them?

I don't think Donald was doing that for their benefit.

Is there a possibility he is the new Messiah?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-In political terms, huge chance.

And in actual terms?

-In religious terms...

-Yeah.

..erm, very little chance.

But a chance.

-I'm saying there's a chance.

-All right.

Garlanded by evangelical Christians, hailed by some as a prophet,

there is every chance that Donald Trump may just be the next Messiah,

despite being a tax-dodging, pussy-grabbing habitual liar

who may not believe in God.

CHEERING

My main takeaway from that is...

Ann Widdecombe is looking good since Sugar-Free Farm.

-Isn't she just? Yes.

-Yeah!

Thank you very much, Andrew Hunter Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's go back to the Mash Newsdesk for the latest stories.

Corbyn connects with young people by vandalising bus shelter.

LAUGHTER

"Who are you?" ask wealthy parents as private schools

begin summer holidays.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Trump thinks impeachment means really enjoying a peach.

LAUGHTER

But first, a 28-year-old man expects praise for not being a misogynist.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Roy Hobbs thinks his decision to treat women as equals warrants

the kind of respect normally afforded top scientists

or people who've donated their bone marrow.

LAUGHTER

Uh... I guess I'm just a, sort of, thoughtful sort of guy.

When I watch pornography, I always make sure it's,

you know, really nicely lit,

-and it's a romantic scene.

-LAUGHTER

Um... What else?

I like Wonder Woman, abortions,

and I'm also reading a book by a woman at the moment -

a long one, as well - so I suppose you could say...

I'm some sort of hero, really. Well, maybe not.

Maybe not...

but maybe I am, you know?

LAUGHTER

Roy Hobbs there, just doing his bit.

LAUGHTER

ITV's prediction that you like morons rutting on an island

has proved depressingly accurate.

LAUGHTER

As reality series Love Island continues to captivate the nation,

Emma met its producer to ask him why you like it

and how he sleeps at night.

Here I am on so-called Love Island,

where a group of women with huge breasts and small, mean faces,

plus a gang of neckless mouth-breathers,

are currently doing it in some sort of hut thing.

I spoke to ITV executive Tom Booker, the visionary genius behind the show

that has captured Britain's dark heart.

Yeah, normally we'd dress this thing up as

a kind of bold social experiment that's pushing the boundaries.

Nah, not this time, no.

It's just idiots rutting on the sand.

Yeah, it's strong and simple...

like our contestants.

LAUGHTER

So, Emma, do you know what's in store this week on Love Island?

I can reveal there's more depressing fake emotion from knuckleheads

who will shortly have a brief DJ career,

before getting arrested for trashing a Nando's.

Plus, the introduction of Dax, a super-hot horse

who everyone will fancy.

LAUGHTER

Count me in!

We'll be back with more later.

CHEERING

So, as part of the push for greater diversity at the BBC,

we've reached out to a Conservative,

so I'm very excited to introduce Geoff Norcott,

with a section we call Bursting The Bubble.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Very kind. Thank you. Very, very kind.

Have we got any other Tories in?

LAUGHTER

-It's going to be a long four minutes, isn't it?

-Yeah!

Not only are you a Tory, Geoff, you're also a working-class Tory.

That's right. That's right.

I grew up on a council estate, and my dad was a trade union man,

so growing up I was sort of like a political Billy Elliot.

Do you know what I mean? I had to... It was very difficult for me.

I had to hide the Telegraph inside a copy of Razzle. It was tough.

LAUGHTER And what are you going to be

covering for us on this week's Bursting The Bubble, Geoff?

Today, Nish, I'm going to be telling you some harsh truths

about NHS funding.

OK, I'm going into this with an open mind.

Oh, yeah. I heard you liberals are capable of that.

LAUGHTER

So, last week, the Office for Budget Responsibility,

they issued their fiscal risks report, which highlighted

that health spending was the biggest threat to Government economic plans.

And would you agree, Nish,

that the NHS is under pressure like never before?

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, there's an inherent funding problem, isn't there?

You put in money, you develop new medicines, new machinery,

people live...

Yeah... LAUGHTER

-It's a vicious circle.

-I...

LAUGHTER

OK, I would say that the NHS is perhaps a victim of its own success.

OK, well, fair enough,

but do you agree that there are people abusing free health care?

Do you think that that's a fair shout?

OK, there are people who maybe use the NHS when they don't need to.

-Yeah.

-I'll agree with that.

OK, and by people, let's say which people - old people.

-OK, let's...

-I mean, there's...

Wait, hold on. Hold on, Geoff. Hold on, mate.

Well, the elderly, Nish, I mean, they've just...

They should be dead by now, but they're just...

-LAUGHTER

-They're just stringing it out,

and just hanging on in there,

frankly, taking the piss, and...

I think what you'd need...

I think you would need an age where treatment stops,

where you say, "Look, you've had a good go at it, but I think that's...

"I think you're done now." And I...

I've got an age in mind.

I think we're all thinking it, so I'll say it - 80.

-I think you're done...

-LAUGHTER

I think you're done when you're 80.

What, you want to stick around for another golden year

in the dayroom watching Cash In The Attic? We...

We want your cash that's in the attic. That's...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's... That's the plan.

I would describe that round of applause as concerning.

Come on, Geoff, you can't be serious.

I know a lot of people think,

"But, Geoff, I know particularly vigorous 80-year-olds."

And I'm not a monster,

-so, of course, there should be an appeals process.

-OK, well, that...

LAUGHTER OK, that is better.

Yeah, and by "appeals process" I mean "televised talent show".

-LAUGHTER Right.

-So, it's...

It's going to be called "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Ethel?"

Right? Cos they... They...

-Because the old dears, they love a singsong, don't they?

-Sure.

So get them out, and she comes out and sings We'll Meet Again.

"Will we meet again, Ethel? Let's go to the public vote." Erm...

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry, love.

Sorry, love, you haven't made it.

You're not going to London but you might be going to Switzerland, so...

-LAUGHTER Geoff, Geoff...

-It's...

-APPLAUSE

-They like it.

Geoff, I'm trying to keep an open mind,

but you are losing me here, mate.

OK, look, let's come at this from another angle.

-I'll throw a stat at you.

-OK.

It's estimated that 30,000 people a day miss doctor's appointments.

Right? You've go to agree that's a problem, right?

Yeah, that's a problem.

-Yeah.

-And I'm not saying you should charge those people,

but I do think if you miss three on the bounce, outside the doctor's

surgery should be a photo of your face with the word "Chlamydia?"

LAUGHTER

I do not have chlamydia, OK?!

LAUGHTER

What do you mean?!

Well, you throw it about a bit, but, erm...

NISH GIGGLES

I mean, much as I wish it wasn't, that is factually untrue!

-Are you done?

-I could tell you my views on foster care...

Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

-CHEERING

-Thank you, thank you...

Right, let's go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall

to see all the latest comment and analysis from

the Great British public to the stories we've been covering tonight.

Rachel, what have the people been saying?

Thanks, Nish.

So, please do keep sending in your thoughts.

We're incredibly grateful for any messages at all at this stage.

LAUGHTER

So, this one comes from Norman Legge. He asks...

LAUGHTER

Rachel, is there anything about any of the issues?

Yes, absolutely. Yes, OK, so this one's from JimmyThickBits.

LAUGHTER

So, Jimmy writes...

-LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

So, thank you so much, Jimmy,

for bringing a bit of much-needed balance there.

BBC pay really capturing the imagination of the viewers, Nish.

Jehovas-Bell comments...

Oh, nice. That's a refreshing take on the whole thing.

"Because he will burn eternally for being a sodomist."

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING

And we just have time for one last visit to the Mash Newsdesk.

Closing headlines...

Tories to keep eating each other until there's just

one big Tory left.

LAUGHTER

"That flower was gagging for it," says bee.

LAUGHTER

And Britons reminded not to fax while driving.

LAUGHTER

But first, a middle-class family is recovering after being forced to

travel on a Megabus.

LAUGHTER

Emma has more on the story for us. Emma.

Bill McKay, a well-spoken man with his own office,

travelled to London from Reading with his wife, Lucy,

and three polite children,

to see some tasteful art at the Tate Modern,

but what should have been a status-affirming day out

turned into a smelly, low-budget nightmare

when train cancellations left the Waitrose-frequenting family

with no option but to take a Megabus.

I took the last remaining seat, next to the lavatories,

beside a gentleman who was very loudly playing music from his phone.

The air was full of the sounds and smells of people devouring

all sorts of different provisions.

-LAUGHTER

-A child was screaming,

and a woman two rows in front of me weeping audibly.

I...

I was a little concerned that my proximity to the WC would be

a problem, but it was such a relatively short journey

that I thought, "Well, nobody could have cause to defecate."

LAUGHTER

How wrong I was.

LAUGHTER

At the end of their agonising two-hour journey, the McKay family

were airlifted to a sushi restaurant and given an emergency harpist.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-They are expected to make a full recovery,

although doctors believe Lucinda McKay may write a book.

-LAUGHTER

-We'll be back with more later.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching.

Join us next week for more fake news, real news,

and everything in between.

Goodnight!

CHEERING