Episode 2 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Mash Report,

the show that deals with all the confusion and insanity

in the modern world by making it ever so slightly worse.

We'll have correspondents and analysis with me, Nish Kumar,

but first, over to the Mash News Desk for all the latest headlines.

Headlines on the hour:

Boots puts morning-after pill in aisle marked "slags".

LAUGHTER

UK to bend over and get incredible US trade deal.

LAUGHTER

And fertility crisis as human sperm mostly hitting computer monitors.

LAUGHTER

But first, students are in a state of shock tonight

after discovering Jeremy Corbyn isn't real.

LAUGHTER

It emerged the kindly, bearded figure who they believed

would come down their chimneys with money for tuition fees

was actually just made up to get their votes.

So I was told that Corbyn comes at the start of every term

on a sledge pulled by a socialist reindeer collective.

If you've been studying hard for your degree,

then he brings you money, and a jar of homemade jam.

Then last week, I caught my dad signing a cheque for £9,000...

..and it was them all along - not Corbyn.

The Labour Party has since denied starting the Corbyn myth,

although it confirmed Tony Blair is real and lives in a drain

preying on the innocent.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Currently wowing cinema goers is summer blockbuster Dunkirk,

starring Harry Styles of One Direction,

but the film has angered historians who claim

the film airbrushes out the other fearless boy bands,

including Take That, Blue

and Blazin' Squad, who played a major part in the evacuation.

As German troops attacked British positions to the north of Dunkirk,

a spirited defence was put up

by the members of East 17.

It's difficult to imagine today just what those boy bands went through.

At one point, a British artillery commander

took on German Panzers single-handedly.

That man...

was Jason Orange.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, News Desk.

Our main story tonight concerns the Trump presidency,

which at this point is essentially the answer to the question,

"What would happen if The West Wing was written by Adam Sandler?"

On this side of the pond, things look bad.

People are throwing around words like "impeachment",

but that may be further away than we think.

This week, Trump addressed the West Virginia Boy Scout Jamboree

and it was so weird!

To the group of largely teenage boys, Trump spoke about

the cesspool in Washington, and said he was going to kill Obamacare.

He then banged on about the election.

And you know, we have a tremendous disadvantage

in the electoral college. Popular vote is much easier.

We have it tough because New York, California, Illinois,

you have to practically run the East Coast.

You know, I went to Maine four times because it's one vote, and we won!

But we won. One vote.

I went there because I kept hearing, "We're 269,"

but then Wisconsin came in. Many, many years.

LAUGHTER

Obviously, I have a lot of thoughts here,

but my first one is that he has two teleprompters in that clip!

What is on them?!

Is it just in square brackets the words, "Riff, you're doing great"?

I hate to ruin the illusion, but I have teleprompters for this show.

I'm literally reading these words off it now, and these words,

and these words.

It's all on there, even the phrase, "It's all on there"!

But there is no way that someone is writing down that nonsense for him verbatim!

So I guess he starts with the script,

but very quickly goes off piste.

Imagine if other presidents had taken this tactic?

History would have been very different if JFK had said:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And then there's whatever the fuck this is.

He bought back his company,

and he bought back a lot of empty land,

and he worked hard on getting it zoning and he worked hard

on starting to develop, and in the end he failed, and he failed badly.

I saw him at a cocktail party.

He was very sad because the hottest people in New York

were at this party - it was the party of Steve Ross.

Steve Ross, who was one of the great people,

he came up and discovered, really, founded Time Warner,

and he was a great guy, he had a lot of successful people at the party.

And I was doing well so I got invited to the party.

I was very young.

LAUGHTER

He's talking to boy scouts...

This is how you know Donald Trump clearly had

no hand in raising his kids, cos he's clearly got no idea

how to communicate with children or what interests them.

If Trump ever writes a children's book, and at this point,

we can't rule that or indeed anything out,

expect it to be a dry affair.

JK Rowling wouldn't have sold many copies of

Harry Potter And The 1970s Cocktail Party For Businessmen.

Meanwhile, the Russian investigation rumbled on with the interview of Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner,

a man who looks like he was breast-fed until this morning.

LAUGHTER

The Kush was present at a meeting with a Russian attorney,

but he claims no collusion took place,

and any mistakes he may have made were because:

Continuing the White House defence of,

"We can't be guilty - we don't know what we're doing!"

But with all this going on, Trump is delivering to his base.

When we think of Trump supporters, we probably think of these guys.

The received wisdom is that he was elected by low-income Americans.

However, when you break down the 2016 election result,

Hillary Clinton won a higher share of the vote among people

earning under 49,000 per year.

It's only once you look at people earning 50K

and above that Trump wins.

A lot of Trump supporters are middle-income earners and the wealthy,

so if we reconfigure our understanding of what his base is,

it becomes apparent that Trump is doing absolutely fine,

and that's reflected in the people that have

hitched their wagon to the Trump train.

Take this week's news that Trump's new communications director

will be Anthony Scaramucci,

a man who looks like a villain in literally every '80s movie.

He was initially a supporter of Barack Obama

but turned against him over Obama's attempts to reform Wall Street,

which was presumably an affront to his background

as an investment banker for Goldman Sachs and Lehman Brothers.

This decision has of course led to the departure of Sean Spicer,

the man who put the Sean Spicer into the phrase,

"Another catastrophic error by Sean Spicer."

But there's a reason why the wealthy are backing him.

His tax plan hands a 4.6% tax cut to the richest Americans,

and following Tuesday's vote,

if the Senate approves the proposed Republican healthcare plan,

it would hand people who earn 875,000 and above

an average tax saving of 45,500 a year,

so talk of impeachment is naive.

And it's not because of old Johnny T-shirt Cannon,

or some lady in a Confederate flag bikini.

It's because of Trump's real support base -

Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich and the bloke who lives in Monopoly.

Now, we do have a paragraph to bring this whole thing to a close

right here, but I thought, what better tribute

can I pay to Trump than by going off script and just winging it?

So here we go!

American, big country - the biggest, so big!

President Trump - rich people - big fan!

Unless huge change,

he's president many years.

Boy scouts rock. Good night, London.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's go over to Rachel Parris

at our hashtag no filter social media wall for a genuine conversation with you,

the Great British public. Rachel.

What are the people saying on social media?

Thank you, Nish. Yes.

Please, do keep tweeting, Facebooking and snapchatting us

your comments to:

..about any of the stories that we're covering.

So first off,

let's take a look at what people are saying about the show.

Gary Hambles tweets:

LAUGHTER

He obviously does know you.

-Is there anything topical, Rachel?

-Yes.

Here's a really sweet one here from Granny Smell. She says:

Ah, that's sweet. Welcome, Granny Smell.

LAUGHTER

Well, congratulations to you.

I think we're all thinking of you, Granny Smell.

Let's not think about Granny Smell.

-Is there anything on any of the topics?

-Yes.

Doctorr Poo gets in touch to say:

Ah, that's great. That's really refreshingly open-minded thinking. That's what we want.

Oh, come on!

-Mm.

-Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I'm very excited to be able to introduce our Conservative commentator, Geoff Norcott!

-Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

-Hi, Geoff.

-Yeah, week two!

-Week two.

-Week two. Have we got any Tories in this week?

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Yes!

Four people, it's progress.

What are you covering on this week's Bursting The Bubble?

Well, this week, Nish, Parliament ended

and they brought to a close a period of unprecedented protest, right?

But despite all that protest, not much really seemed to change, did it?

We had a march against austerity but austerity's still happening,

we had a march against Brexit but we're still leaving the EU, we had

a women's march but Gary Lineker still earns more than the Queen, so...

Why do you think these marches achieve so little?

Well, change takes time, you know.

It's very rare that a protest can effect real change in such

-a short period of time.

-It's liberals.

-Ah, of course it is.

Yeah, it's liberals.

-The protest crowd in the main are middle class liberals.

-Right.

I mean, you know, lovely people, but not very scary.

Have a look at this lot.

I don't know if she's angry about Brexit or a lack of stationery options - it's not clear.

Have a look at this mob.

Yeah, I mean, this is the kind of event

community support officers were made for, literally.

And look at this woman.

She doesn't even look cross!

She looks like she's spotted somebody with free halloumi!

Look, Geoff, why does it matter if the protesters look scary?

Well, cos for real change to take place, the Government need to

look out the window and be scared of what might unfold,

but they look at the modern protest crowd and they think,

"They don't look very scary" - two squirts of a water cannon,

they'll be in Ubers back to Henley on Thames. They're not...

They're just...

-They're probably only marching for their Fitbit targets, anyway!

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so what do we do about this?

Well, the middle class need to treat protesting like childcare,

plumbing, electrical work - realise they're shit at it

and outsource it to working class people.

-You want to outsource protesting?

-Because it...

I mean, it's all got so bloody twee, hasn't it?

I went to the pay cut demo and they had people there selling jam.

Protest jam!

-I mean, the biggest risk the police faced that day was wasps.

-OK.

OK, so, you give us an example, then,

of what you consider to be an effective protest.

OK, well, you look at working class protests, right, 1990,

poll tax riots, Thatcher was gone later that year

and the tax was eventually dropped by her successor,

and it's cos people coming down from Sheffield to London in a minibus,

they're not coming to see who can get the wittiest banner on Newsnight, are they?

If you kettled them outside Debenhams,

they're not going to think, "I'll nip in and get a Brabantia bin." I mean, these people...

You fight that bit harder when you haven't got teeth, that's the, er...

What I would say in response to that is, I think maybe

you underestimate how motivated middle class protesters are.

All right, then, why do the protests always happen on Saturdays?

You know, it's like, "Yeah, I want to overthrow the establishment but Phoebe and I are going skiing,

"we've already used up all our annual leave, so..."

OK, OK, but, but...lefties can bring about change, though, Geoff.

-I mean, look at Jeremy Corbyn.

-Well, I'd rather not, but... He... Yeah...

Do you know what's weird about him

is we've sort of over-corrected, somehow.

I mean, look at this photo of him. He looks like...

He does still get that look sometimes, like a pensioner

at a service station who thinks he's lost his coach party.

LAUGHTER

And he's always talking about re-nationalising things.

I mean, it's a nice idea, Jez, but it's not going to happen.

It's like your dad going, "Kids, I'm thinking of getting the band back together."

"No, you're not, Dad. Just go and sit in the shed and wait for death."

-That's the...

-But nevertheless, people are singing his name.

-Hm-mm.

I mean, surely that would never happen for a Tory leader?

Probably not, probably not, but the thing is, the song itself,

it sounds weird, doesn't it?

# Oh Jeremy Corbyn! #

They just sound so racked by middle class sort of doubt.

I mean, cos they haven't got much experience of public chanting,

have they, cos that chant, it started off on the football terraces

but they've made it sound like Songs Of Praise.

-But look, Geoff, people have a right to express themselves.

-Hm, yeah, OK.

Maybe middle class protestors shouldn't outsource all of it to working classes,

but maybe they should hire some proper football fans as writers.

Cos you know, football chants have got an undertone of menace,

but they're also very creative, which I think is perfect for protests.

Now, I voted Leave, which with a liberal crowd I always want

to follow up by saying "but I'm not a racist,"

but...I'm aware that I look like a racist electrician from Billericay.

LAUGHTER

See, that's racism. You're racist now.

You're all racist.

Like I say, I voted Leave,

but the anti-Brexit chants have been rubbish so far.

-Right.

-If it was me, I'd go for something punchier like,

# You're on your own You're on our o-own

# You leave the single market You're fiscally alone. #

That's just one example...

# Dave Davis, whoa

# He went for bilateral

# He came back with fuck all

# Dave Davis! #

Just before we get savaged on Twitter,

do you have anything pro-Brexit?

Of course, mate, of course! Of course.

# Who ate all the fish? Who ate all our fish? #

Norway. Turns out Norway...

-Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Cheers. Thank you.

OK, let's go back to the News Desk for a quick update.

The latest headlines:

Brexit negotiations to last longer than the human race.

Liam Fox says, "I feel like chlorinated chicken tonight."

And the Honey Monster has diabetes.

But first, the BBC has confirmed it pays women less

because they're smaller.

We can go live to tiny Emma Bradford, who's at the BBC.

That's right, Susan.

BBC executives have claimed that men need higher wages

because they eat more and require bigger clothes and houses.

BBC executive Norman Steele had this to say.

Of course we pay men more. Is it seriously being suggested

that these tiny, dainty women

sipping their cups of tea with both hands like squirrels

with nuts should have the same pay as these magnificent giants?

You wouldn't give a Great Dane

and a Yorkshire Terrier the same size food bowls.

Pft!

I tried to put on a bit of weight to earn more,

but they cut my salary to discourage me

because they...didn't want me being all fat and sad.

Finally, Emma, has there been any comment from the BBC

-about the pay disparity across the class divide?

-Yes.

Tonight, Susan, the BBC has claimed it would pay working class staff the same,

if it had any.

LAUGHTER

Adults who think it's quirky and fun to use words like "sleeps"

and "holibobs" have been told to pack it the fuck in.

We have Professor Brubaker in our Cardiff studio.

Professor, what other phrases should all be avoided by adults?

Other phrases that should never be spoken by anyone over the age of 20

would be, "yummy," "totes" and "nom-nom."

Thank you, Professor.

That was amazeballs.

And finally, a cat has denied assaulting another cat.

LAUGHTER

Six-year-old ginger Jazzy from Swindon has denied responsibility

for a clash which left three-year-old neighbour Sparks

needing stitches at the vets.

Sparks was left with facial injuries incurring a veterinary bill for £110 including injections.

Meanwhile, Jazzy, who has a history of confrontational behaviour,

if found guilty could lose his testicles.

More news later.

APPLAUSE

Earlier this month, the National Police Chief's Council

debated whether or not to arm the police.

The debate's taking place against the backdrop of an 18% rise

in violent crime and understandable concerns about terrorism.

To help get to the bottom of this,

please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.

APPLAUSE

Evenin', all!

LAUGHTER

So, Andrew, why are people calling for all UK police to be armed?

Well, Nish, we're living in increasingly uncertain times,

people are scared, and they want the police to have the maximum

-possible resources at their disposal.

-What kind of resources?

Well, for one thing, the ability to pop a cap in a mother's ass.

LAUGHTER

Andrew, don't we know from the experiences of other countries

that arming a police force increases

the instances of injury to both civilians and police officers?

Well, possibly, yes, but we also know, from the movies, Nish,

that the more...

the more heavily armed a copper is,

the safer we all are, OK,

so what I propose is that we go one step further

and we turn all British bobbies into maverick American movie cops.

We give them some heat to pack

and a back story that'll bust the chief's nuts wide open.

LAUGHTER

That idea is terrifying, Andrew,

and also requires a lot of further explanation.

Well, that is exactly why I went into the field just to make

sure that this definitely is a good idea.

When Robert Peel established the Metropolitan Police in 1829,

he said, "The police are the public and the public are the police."

It's a powerful sentiment, but how much more effective would it

have been if he'd said it while unloading an AK-47 into a crack den?

To find out if the public would benefit from routinely arming

all police officers, I went to speak to a Green Party spokesperson

who definitely doesn't think that it's a good idea.

Would it be better if our police were more like maverick

American cops, armed to the teeth, playing by nobody's rules?

No.

-OK. A lot of people do say we need to get behind the police.

-Mm-hm.

Is that because it makes it less likely that we'll get shot?

There is a sense where it's not just a metaphor

and literally it is the case that we should get behind them

when they've put a cordon up and said, "We need to protect you."

Have a look at this.

OK? This is just a traditional country fete, OK?

Everyone's having a good time. Looks pretty safe, doesn't it? But wait...

Ah-ha!

Now, it's safer.

OK?

Everyone here is safer,

because of these guys and any guns she's carrying as well.

I don't think so.

Um...although the person in the middle looks happy enough,

I don't think that's a situation in which people would generally

feel that their lives aren't at greater risk.

The LAPD say "to protect and to serve,"

the Metropolitan Police motto is "total policing,"

so I've been thinking of some possible catchphrases to make

armed policing a bit more palatable.

-I just want to run a few of these past you, quickfire.

-Sure.

-OK.

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame,

"you were doing 40 in a 30 lane."

Well...

"Shot through the heart" doesn't sound like an appropriate response,

-so no, I wouldn't advocate that.

-OK.

"Guns don't kill people, but I do because I'm the police."

OK. "You have the right to remain dead."

No - you have a right not to be killed through lethal force unless

it is absolutely necessary under the European Convention of Human Rights.

-Too long?

-It's too long.

Our police officers do an incredible job under very difficult

circumstances, so let's show them how much they mean to us

by giving them what they really need - a gun, a back story

and a mismatched partner who's way too old for this shit.

APPLAUSE

Even so, at this point in time, I still feel that a better solution

may be to look at the cuts that have been made to police funding

and numbers and support the force by reversing those,

so I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one, Andrew.

That was exactly what I thought you'd say, Nish.

We're just two guys with very different points of view

who somehow come to a grudging respect for each other.

That is the most maverick cop thing there is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

Let's go over to Rachel Parris

at the hashtag no filter social media wall

for all your latest comments about the stories we've been covering.

That's right, Nish.

We've been getting a lot of comments about the stories.

MadLankyFrazer gets in touch to say:

GROANS

Solutions, not problems from MadLankyFrazer there.

And here's a really powerfully political one from AngrySteve828, who comments:

LAUGHTER

That's a great point, yes.

-Let's maybe just have one more, I think, Rachel.

-Sure.

So finally, here's a great one from a story from earlier.

This is from CommonSenseMale, who says:

A lovely upbeat passionate tweet to end on there. Back to you, Nish.

Rachel Parris, everyone.

APPLAUSE

We've just got time for one last visit to the Mash News Desk.

Closing headlines:

Chocolate bars seem smaller because you are fatter.

Henry Hoover watches you while you sleep.

LAUGHTER

And Noel Edmonds' wife questioned over absence of mercy killing.

But first, the Liberal Democrat party has confirmed plans

to get itself a website.

In his first act as leader,

Vince Cable has hired his 15-year-old nephew Julian Cook

to build a no-frills internet site for the party with its policies,

history and a contact email address - [email protected].

It's the question on everyone's lips - are you a TNCWOK?

Hot on the heels of JAMs and the squeezed middle,

TNCWOK is the latest bullshit family demographic sweeping Britain.

We're joined in our Cardiff studio by Professor Henry Brubaker

of the Institute for Studies.

Professor Brubaker, what is a TNCWOK and am I one?

TNCWOKs are two income, nearly affluent,

car-owning with one or more kids families.

Obviously, discovering there are families with several children

and a car is quite a significant finding.

I understand TNCWOKs are just the latest of several dozen

bullshit family types invented this week.

Hm, yes.

Well, there's SRFSFOs -

semi-retired, fucking smug,

four owls.

Are these owl-owning SRF things happy or sad?

Should we aspire to be them or despise them as shameful and pathetic?

It's best to look down on people wherever possible.

We've also discovered a male demographic we call MWKPTMAPBA.

That's man who keeps planning to make a proper barbecue area,

obviously.

And then there's DIACNHs.

Dual income adult children no heads.

They eat a lot of ready meals, enjoy torture porn

and have a deep sense of foreboding about the future of the cosmos.

Thank you, Professor. Some great bullshit there.

An attractive 32-year-old woman believes a man is her friend.

Single Joanna Kramer sees her relationship with Wayne Hayes,

also single, as being a straightforward mates type situation

that both of them are fine with.

Emma Bradford is at the scene for us.

Susan, can a man and a woman ever really be friends?

The answer, of course, is yes, but one of those friends will

definitely be in a constant state of forlorn emotional calamity.

I caught up with Joanna Kramer and "friend" Wayne Hayes earlier.

-Yeah, we spend a lot of time together...

-Yes.

But it's like, it's never even, like, remotely weird with Wayne

cos he's just, like, really funny and just completely like non-sexual.

You know what I mean?

It's like...it's like having a gay friend but he's not actually gay.

Do you know what I mean? The thought of fancying Wayne...

It'd feel like fancying a lamp or a table,

-and I'm sure he feels the same about me.

-Well... I'm not gay.

It's not to say, like, you know, people don't find him attractive - just not me.

And it's...

But it's cos we're so close, I think just the thought of us kissing...

-Oh, God!

-..just makes us, like, both feel totally sick, and...

Aaaah.

I know he's got a penis. Do you know what I mean?

I know there's one in there, but it's not like a sort of...

-It's not like an actual penis on a proper man.

-OK.

Tonight, Wayne and Joanna have confirmed plans to do a pub quiz

together, after which Wayne will go home and cry.

Back to you in the studio.

That poor bastard.

Reminds me of being at school when I was in love with my friend, Sarah.

Did you tell her?

It was complicated because she was also my best friend's mum.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's all from the Mash Report.

We'll be back next week for the lowdown on all the latest leaks and lies.

Thank you for watching. Good night!

Subtitles by Ericsson