Episode 3 The Mash Report


Episode 3

With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the show that

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looks at the week's news and asks the question on everyone's lips -

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"What? Why is this happening?" and "Are we all going to die?"

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We're coming to you in a week that has seen some sad, sad news.

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Anthony Scaramucci, White House communications director

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and pound-shop Goodfella, has been fired.

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And now we've put together the highlights of his time in office.

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MUSIC: Nightswimming by REM

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# Nightsw... # MUSIC STOPS

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Good night, sweet Mooch. We hardly knew ye.

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And what we did know of ye was that ye were a crazy bastard.

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LAUGHTER

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Before we get on with the show,

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let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

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Headlines on the hour...

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Theresa May to return from holiday refreshed, revitalised

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and completely shit at her job.

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LAUGHTER

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Price of electricity to rise,

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say men who set the price of electricity.

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LAUGHTER

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And hot tub owners pretend it's not just a nasty sex pond.

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LAUGHTER

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But first, Tony Blair says he will probably do another Iraq War

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after getting off scot-free with the first one.

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After the High Court decided not to prosecute him,

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a cocky Blair left the court

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saying he wasn't afraid of no war crime bullshit,

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and he will invade Iraq again if he feels like it.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's join our reporter Nathan outside the court.

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Nathan, tell us, what's been happening?

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Blair arrived at the High Court

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wearing a tracksuit

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and claiming that, "The Feds ain't got no shit on me."

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As it was decided no action would be taken against him,

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he could be heard to comment, "Get in," before going outside

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and cracking open a can of lager.

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On the court's steps, Blair claimed he could invade another country

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and get away with it whenever he wanted to,

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adding that he had some serious gangster shit going on.

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LAUGHTER

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Prince Philip died - sorry - retired yesterday.

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LAUGHTER

8:47:118:47:13

And following his final public engagement,

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the foreign-averse royal feels he can finally speak his mind.

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The reliably offensive Prince,

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who nobody realised was on his best behaviour for his last 50 years,

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now feels free to truly unleash the dark musings

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of his mad, privileged mind.

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Emma is at Buckingham Palace.

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Emma, how batshit is demob-happy Prince Philip being right now?

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Pretty batshit, Tom.

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Today, as he watched TV with the Queen,

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Philip saw of a clip of Usain Bolt

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and speculated for several minutes about

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whether African athletes practised by jumping over crocodiles.

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LAUGHTER

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Surely that's business as usual.

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Yes, but then he called Prince Charles a big-eared piss streak

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and launched a surprising broadside against the entire

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nation of Belgium, calling them mayonnaise-eating wankers.

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Then he phoned Brad Pitt to inform him

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that World War Z was a pile of toss.

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He really is a maverick and a true asset to the nation.

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Yes, it's very sad he'll no longer be doing whatever it is he did.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, breast-feeding mums have confirmed that they

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are not offended by people looking at their amazing tits.

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The news, which comes during World Breast-feeding Week,

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a global celebration of jugs in action,

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reassures Britons that it's OK

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to admire a lovely pair of milk-engorged boobs,

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and that there's no need to be all weird and sly about it.

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Emma Bradford is in a cafe packed to the rafters

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with splendid motherly milk bags.

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Emma, how much of an eyeful are you getting?

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Susan, I am taking it all in and I'm loving it.

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Nursing women have completely incredible boobs that,

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up until now, could only be admired with a sly sideways glance.

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I know sometimes people feel uncomfortable about me

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using my body's natural secretions to keep my baby alive

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while out of the house, but that's why we're saying, like,

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don't divert your eyes,

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like, this is the best that my tits are ever going to look.

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Like, right now, you know, they're massive,

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but, you know, after this baby business they're...

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they're going south for the winter.

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LAUGHTER

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Back to you, Susan.

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Thanks, Emma. Mine are fake. More from us later.

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LAUGHTER

8:49:258:49:26

APPLAUSE

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So, let's move on to Brexit.

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This week a Yougov poll revealed that 61% of Leave voters

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over 65 believe significantly damaging the economy is

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a price worth paying for Brexit.

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And half said they would be prepared to have a family member

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lose their job in order to get the Brexit they want.

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Now, speaking as a representative of the younger generation,

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let me just ask older Leave voters a question.

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Why do you hate us?!

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HE SOBS

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Was it fidget spinners?

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Was it the Kaiser Chiefs?

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Was it the Star Wars prequels?

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We hated them too!

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LAUGHTER

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So, how is it going?

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You'd have thought it'd be all quiet on the Brexit front,

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what with Theresa May off on holiday.

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That's right, the kitten heels are off, and the out-of-office is on,

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which presumably reads something like this...

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LAUGHTER

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Last week Chancellor Philip Hammond suggested there would be

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a transitional deal with the EU, which would mean the UK would

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have to continue with some version of freedom of movement.

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Then on Monday, a spokesperson for Number Ten said that

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freedom of movement would end in 2019.

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Things have got pretty confusing

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about what Brexit is going to entail.

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Take a look at this recent graph on the BBC News website,

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which is supposed to show where the Leave and Remain vote went

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at the general election.

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All that graph is telling me

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is that the news has finally had a breakdown.

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Brexit is in such a mess, even graphs have gone to shit.

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Unless it's a magic eye picture and you just have to look really

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carefully and eventually you'll be able to see the message -

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"Your country is fucked."

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LAUGHTER

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To add further insight into the Brexit process,

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please welcome our Brexit correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

8:51:328:51:33

Thank you.

8:51:348:51:35

-Hello, Nish.

-Hello, Andrew.

8:51:398:51:41

So, why is there so much infighting happening over Brexit?

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Well, we've got two basic problems, right?

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We need to sort out free movement of people,

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and we need to sort out trade deals with the rest of the world.

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So, how do we solve both of these issues at the same time?

8:51:518:51:54

I mean, I would say a unified

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and cohesive sense of what our goals are going into these talks.

8:51:558:51:59

No, Nish, no, absolutely not.

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What we need to do is take it a step further.

8:52:008:52:03

What are you suggesting?

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I suggest we leave the rest of the world.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, that's definitely going to require a second referendum.

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LAUGHTER

8:52:148:52:15

I spoke to a couple of experts to see how we can begin

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-to truly take back control.

-OK.

8:52:188:52:20

Brexit has given us the perfect opportunity to shake off

8:52:258:52:28

our European hangers-on.

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But despite Britain's best efforts to make

8:52:308:52:32

the lines on maps of the Middle East nice and straight,

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or to heroically meet opium demand in 19th-century China,

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the rest of the world remains ungrateful.

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Could it be time for a British world exit or,

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as some people are calling it, a Bwexit?

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To discuss making Bwexit a reality, I spoke to Labour MP

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and notorious Remoaner Chris Bryant.

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Brexit is going to happen.

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But, if we want to become truly independent,

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why don't we go the whole hog,

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with Bwexit?

8:53:008:53:02

Mmm... Bwexit?

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Bwexit is British world exit, OK?

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Britain makes countless weapons,

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we grow food,

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we make our own chairs, OK? Surely we can be independent.

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I don't think we do make our own chairs any more, do we?

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And we certainly don't grow all our own crops.

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If we could grow a few more crops and make a few more chairs,

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surely it would be like a heavily armed version of The Good Life.

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Except if one of the neighbours came round, we could shoot them.

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That is...about the stupidest question I've ever been asked.

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-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

8:53:378:53:39

Some people...

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have likened people who voted for Brexit

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to "utter pricks".

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Is that a fair statement?

8:53:478:53:49

CHRIS LAUGHS

8:53:498:53:51

Look, I mean, I wish we'd voted to Remain.

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I think it's like we're cutting our throats,

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and, as every day goes by, there's more evidence that

8:53:578:54:01

the Brexiteers had absolutely no plan for Brexit whatsoever

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and it's a great big step into the dark and all the rest of it.

8:54:048:54:07

So, "utter pricks" is language you wouldn't use?

8:54:078:54:10

Not on this programme.

8:54:108:54:12

What about "jowly xeno-bastards?"

8:54:128:54:15

Is that a term you'd use?

8:54:158:54:17

No.

8:54:178:54:18

"Ruddy cheeked turbo-racists?"

8:54:188:54:21

No.

8:54:218:54:22

"Nano-Hitlers?"

8:54:228:54:24

I'm not sure what a nano-Hitler is.

8:54:248:54:26

OK. I'm putting you down as a yes for "nano-Hitlers".

8:54:288:54:30

LAUGHTER

8:54:308:54:31

So, Chris Bryant may not be convinced,

8:54:338:54:35

but I still believe that Bwexit could work.

8:54:358:54:38

And I know exactly how to do it.

8:54:388:54:39

Should we relocate the United Kingdom to space?

8:54:418:54:45

LAUGHTER

8:54:458:54:46

Er...

8:54:468:54:48

-Well, the UK is 70-odd million people.

-Yeah.

8:54:488:54:52

The number of people who've been into space numbers in the thousands.

8:54:528:54:55

It would be an unprecedented endeavour.

8:54:558:54:58

But it's better than hearing people talk foreign on the bus, isn't it?

8:54:588:55:01

LAUGHTER

8:55:018:55:02

In the film Close Encounters,

8:55:028:55:04

the world discovers intelligent alien life.

8:55:048:55:07

Now, if that happens in space, is there a way that you can think of

8:55:078:55:12

that we can persuade them to buy British?

8:55:128:55:14

LAUGHTER

8:55:148:55:15

I don't know how to answer that. I'm sorry.

8:55:178:55:19

I just want to show you, so, here is an iconic picture.

8:55:198:55:24

This is Neil Armstrong standing on the moon, 1969.

8:55:248:55:27

-It's Buzz Aldrin, actually.

-It's Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon.

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-Neil is in the reflection.

-Neil... I was just...

8:55:298:55:32

-Neil's in the reflection here...

-Yeah.

8:55:328:55:34

..of Buzz Aldrin, standing on the moon.

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Here's another one.

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LAUGHTER

8:55:398:55:40

Mm-hmm.

8:55:408:55:42

It's better, isn't it?

8:55:428:55:43

It's not really my taste, erm...

8:55:458:55:47

OK, I hear what you're saying, so...

8:55:478:55:50

Britain on the moon, Britain in space. Could we do it?

8:55:508:55:54

You could technically do it. I wouldn't want to manage the project.

8:55:548:55:57

Do you think it's a bad idea?

8:55:578:55:59

Yeah, I think it's quite a bad idea, yeah.

8:56:008:56:02

But it's not a terrible idea?

8:56:028:56:04

-No, it's not a terrible idea, no.

-OK.

-It's a bad idea.

8:56:048:56:06

-Yeah, but it's not a terrible idea?

-No.

-OK. OK!

8:56:068:56:09

It's a bad idea though.

8:56:098:56:11

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

8:56:118:56:12

But it's not terrible.

8:56:138:56:15

LAUGHTER

8:56:158:56:16

Drifting through a bleak, barren nothingness,

8:56:188:56:20

frightened, alone, and with no end in sight,

8:56:208:56:23

David Davis certainly has his work cut out in Brussels.

8:56:238:56:26

But if Brexit goes right, then maybe, just maybe,

8:56:268:56:30

after one small step,

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Britain will be ready for the giant leap of Bwexit.

8:56:318:56:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

8:56:398:56:40

I think, Andrew, before we attempt to exit the world,

8:56:468:56:49

ministers need to put their differences aside

8:56:498:56:52

and work together to make Brexit work again.

8:56:528:56:55

Nish, with respect, I disagree, and I will see YOU on the moon.

8:56:558:56:59

NISH LAUGHS

8:56:598:57:00

-Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

-Thank you.

8:57:008:57:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

8:57:028:57:03

Rachel Parris is as ever taking your messages

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at the hashtag nofilter social media wall.

8:57:108:57:12

Rachel, what does Britain have to say for itself?

8:57:128:57:14

RACHEL LAUGHS

8:57:148:57:15

Nish, you crack me up.

8:57:158:57:16

Ah...

8:57:168:57:18

So, tonight, in the light of Trump's sacking of communications

8:57:188:57:21

director Anthony Scaramucci, we're reaching out to you, the public,

8:57:218:57:25

by asking the question,

8:57:258:57:27

"Have you ever been sacked from a job, and why?"

8:57:278:57:29

So, please do send in your answers, for God's sake.

8:57:298:57:33

LAUGHTER

8:57:338:57:34

Don't forget to hashtag The Mash Report,

8:57:348:57:36

because I think this is going to be really interesting, don't you, Nish?

8:57:368:57:39

Yeah, I mean, I'm trying not to be sacked from this job right now.

8:57:398:57:42

-RACHEL LAUGHS

-Don't count on it.

8:57:428:57:44

LAUGHTER

8:57:448:57:45

So, in the meantime, we've had some messages coming in

8:57:478:57:49

about the stories so far.

8:57:498:57:50

This one is from Hampstead Mummy, on the breast-feeding story.

8:57:508:57:54

She says...

8:57:548:57:55

Yes, quite. Hard enough to get them to look you in the eye,

8:58:018:58:03

Hampstead Mummy, let alone latch on.

8:58:038:58:05

-OK, moving on!

-OK, happily, Nish.

8:58:058:58:08

Oh! This is exciting.

8:58:088:58:09

We've got our very first response to the question which

8:58:098:58:11

we posed about being sacked.

8:58:118:58:13

Sideshow Blob has responded...

8:58:138:58:15

LAUGHTER

8:58:238:58:24

You poor thing!

8:58:248:58:26

SHE LAUGHS

8:58:268:58:27

Please do keep sending in your answers to the question,

8:58:278:58:30

"What job have you been sacked from, and why?"

8:58:308:58:31

We're really, really keen to engage with you for some reason.

8:58:318:58:34

LAUGHTER

8:58:348:58:36

-Over to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

8:58:368:58:38

APPLAUSE

8:58:388:58:40

Let's go back to the Mash news desk for the latest stories.

8:58:428:58:45

The latest headlines...

8:58:518:58:52

Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers.

8:58:528:58:54

LAUGHTER

8:58:548:58:56

Vegan scientist discovers second topic of conversation.

8:58:588:59:02

LAUGHTER

8:59:028:59:03

And child's drawing nowhere near good enough

8:59:058:59:08

for expensive new fridge.

8:59:088:59:10

LAUGHTER

8:59:108:59:12

But first,

8:59:128:59:13

Theresa May's pink holiday dress is nowhere near selling out online.

8:59:138:59:18

LAUGHTER

8:59:188:59:19

High-street retailer Next has confirmed that

8:59:218:59:23

the damask shirt dress sported by the PM while on holiday in Italy

8:59:238:59:27

is not flying off the rails in any way, shape or form.

8:59:278:59:31

Nathan is standing by a mannequin with more.

8:59:318:59:34

Dubbed the May-not effect,

8:59:358:59:36

retailers have never seen sales

8:59:368:59:38

so unimproved by huge press coverage of their stock.

8:59:388:59:42

The shop's website has the same, if not slightly less, traffic,

8:59:428:59:46

and no-one is stampeding anywhere or punching anyone to get this dress.

8:59:468:59:50

Thanks, Nathan.

8:59:508:59:52

Experts have confirmed that post-truth

8:59:528:59:55

is just a clever name for wankers talking shit.

8:59:558:59:58

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

8:59:589:00:00

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that

9:00:009:00:03

far from so-called post-truth being a new phenomenon,

9:00:039:00:06

wankers have been talking shit since the beginning of civilisation.

9:00:069:00:11

We're joined in our Birmingham studio by Professor Henry Brubaker,

9:00:119:00:15

who has been leading a major study into post-truth.

9:00:159:00:18

So, Professor, post-truth - is it nonsense?

9:00:189:00:21

As far back as medieval times, wankers were talking shit.

9:00:219:00:25

Mainly about dragons and goblins.

9:00:259:00:27

Pretty much any scary-looking forest was claimed to have

9:00:279:00:30

some sort of troll, witch or a giant snake covered in tits.

9:00:309:00:34

So you're saying that post-truth is itself rather ironically bullshit?

9:00:349:00:39

People just love saying things are post-whatever,

9:00:399:00:42

cos it makes them feel clever.

9:00:429:00:44

Like if you called brunch post-breakfast.

9:00:449:00:46

LAUGHTER

9:00:469:00:48

I mean, the word "brunch" is pretty annoying, but just you saying

9:00:489:00:51

"post-breakfast" makes me want to punch you in the face.

9:00:519:00:54

-Well, I'd want paying extra for that.

-Thank you, Professor Brubaker.

9:00:549:00:58

Donald Trump's horrifying communications director,

9:00:589:01:01

Anthony Scaramucci,

9:01:019:01:03

has been sacked for pretending he had a cool nickname.

9:01:039:01:06

Scaramucci claimed he was commonly called The Mooch.

9:01:069:01:09

However, former school friends confirm that he was actually

9:01:099:01:12

known by the less flattering name, Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

9:01:129:01:17

Here's Nathan with more.

9:01:179:01:19

The Mooch is an admittedly cool name,

9:01:199:01:21

that evokes a Fonz-like ability to operate jukeboxes by kicking them.

9:01:219:01:25

However, Anthony Scaramucci is guilty of perhaps the worst

9:01:259:01:29

crime a man can commit - making up his own nickname.

9:01:299:01:33

Earlier, I spoke to Mary Fisher,

9:01:339:01:35

who went to the American version of school with him.

9:01:359:01:38

Well, at first we used to just call him Small Eyes, because, you know,

9:01:389:01:44

he has the eerie, marble-like eyes

9:01:449:01:45

of a male porn star, then another kid noticed that he had a wet

9:01:459:01:51

and slightly sticky handshake, like holding a frog or some ejaculate.

9:01:519:01:56

That's where Jizz Hands came from.

9:01:569:01:58

So finally, we settled on Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

9:01:589:02:03

It used to make him incredibly angry, which was sort of the point.

9:02:039:02:08

-My school nickname was The Badass.

-I struggle to believe that, Tom.

9:02:119:02:16

No, really. I was born without an anus.

9:02:169:02:19

In 2017, we are overwhelmed with choice.

9:02:299:02:32

Sometimes, it's hard to know

9:02:329:02:33

how best to spend our valuable time and money.

9:02:339:02:36

Here to guide us with his expert reviews, please welcome

9:02:369:02:38

to the show with our arts and lifestyle reviewer, Pierre Novellie!

9:02:389:02:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

9:02:429:02:43

-Hi, Pierre.

-Hi.

-So, what have you got for us this week?

9:02:479:02:51

Well, first up, I have cuisine and I'm reviewing a Yelp review

9:02:519:02:54

from James F, who went to a Cafe Rouge in Durham.

9:02:549:02:57

There we go. James said...

9:02:579:02:59

Well, Nish, there's a lot to like in this review.

9:03:039:03:05

My main critique would be I'd like to know more

9:03:059:03:07

about his expectations going in.

9:03:079:03:08

What was he hoping for from a steak tartare?

9:03:089:03:10

Why did it fail to deliver?

9:03:109:03:12

But I do admire his brevity

9:03:129:03:14

and his emoji, so it's four out of five from me.

9:03:149:03:17

-Are you reviewing...reviews?!

-That's right, Nish.

9:03:179:03:22

I'm reviewing real reviews left by people on the internet.

9:03:229:03:25

-OK, I have a follow-up question.

-Hm?

9:03:259:03:28

Why?

9:03:289:03:29

LAUGHTER

9:03:299:03:30

Well, reviewing used to be a profession, Nish.

9:03:309:03:33

An opinion had weight, it was printed on paper, it was

9:03:339:03:35

something you could hold in your hand, but now everyone's a reviewer.

9:03:359:03:38

Reviews have been outsourced to the general public,

9:03:389:03:41

like driving taxis or organising casual sex.

9:03:419:03:44

But who reviews the reviewers, Nish?

9:03:449:03:48

Who watches the watchmen?

9:03:489:03:50

Well, yeah, that is a good point. I mean, why do we trust people when...

9:03:509:03:53

It's me. I do that now. Me.

9:03:539:03:55

So, here's Jane's Amazon review of her purchase of a Pritt Stick.

9:03:579:04:02

She's given it three stars, saying...

9:04:029:04:05

"As I would expect"? What does that even mean, Jane?

9:04:099:04:13

Maybe I have high hopes for my Pritt Stick experience.

9:04:139:04:15

You get out of my head, Jane!

9:04:159:04:16

You don't know me, you don't know my life.

9:04:169:04:19

APPLAUSE

9:04:199:04:20

So, on to my review of the week.

9:04:259:04:27

It's Hannah in London's review of London Zoo.

9:04:279:04:29

It's informative, it's thoughtful, it's engaging,

9:04:299:04:32

and just look at that title - "London Zoo. So, so tired."

9:04:329:04:37

This could go either way, Nish.

9:04:379:04:38

Is she tired from having fun,

9:04:389:04:40

or has London Zoo inspired within Hannah a profound ennui?

9:04:409:04:44

They know what they say, Nish - when a man is tired of London Zoo,

9:04:449:04:48

he is tired of life zoo.

9:04:489:04:52

-Literally no human being has ever said that.

-I heard it on the train.

9:04:569:05:00

Look, Pierre, I get your point - we review everything,

9:05:029:05:05

the public's opinion has far too much power,

9:05:059:05:07

even when their reviews are arbitrary and unqualified.

9:05:079:05:10

We get it, but you're meant to be our reviewer,

9:05:109:05:13

so why can't you do something useful for the viewers and maybe

9:05:139:05:16

just review, like, a film that's out now or something?

9:05:169:05:18

Because it's been done, Nish. I'm trying to carve my own niche, Nish.

9:05:189:05:22

-LAUGHTER

-It's a public....

9:05:229:05:24

It's a public service.

9:05:249:05:26

Someone needs to know about this stuff, or rather, someone

9:05:269:05:28

needs to know that someone thinks they know about this stuff, right?

9:05:289:05:33

Here's your film review -

9:05:339:05:34

oh, Lesley in Plymouth - The Smurfs: The Lost Village movie.

9:05:349:05:38

"Three stars, popcorn too salty."

9:05:389:05:40

LAUGHTER

9:05:409:05:43

You see? Sort it out, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

9:05:439:05:47

You know the correct amount of salt Lesley likes on his or her popcorn!

9:05:479:05:51

You knew he or she was coming, and you did nothing!

9:05:519:05:53

You Hollywood liberal elite!

9:05:539:05:55

How dare you look down on the salt preferences of good,

9:05:559:05:57

hard-working families like Lesley is or has.

9:05:579:06:00

Screw you, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

9:06:009:06:03

-This is... No, no. No.

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

9:06:039:06:07

Do not applaud that.

9:06:079:06:09

-Yes, do applaud it.

-Do not applaud... This is bullshit, Pierre.

9:06:099:06:13

-This whole thing!

-Oh, I'm sorry, did you just call all of this bullshit?

9:06:139:06:18

Yeah, I did! It's bullshit!

9:06:189:06:20

Did you just review my review review?

9:06:209:06:24

Ah, yes! That's right, Nish! You're the reviewer now.

9:06:269:06:30

Feels good to have an opinion, doesn't it, Nish,

9:06:309:06:33

and then say it out loud?

9:06:339:06:35

He who reviews the reviewers should be careful, Nish,

9:06:359:06:37

lest he thereby become a reviewer himself.

9:06:379:06:40

-Is that a quote?

-It's Nietzsche, Nish.

9:06:429:06:45

It's not even niche Nietzsche, Nish. Come on! That's right!

9:06:479:06:50

I just reviewed your review review review.

9:06:509:06:53

We're all reviewers now, Nish.

9:06:579:06:58

Every time you buy a book, every time you book a plumber,

9:06:589:07:01

rate and review, rate and review, and other people can say

9:07:019:07:04

if the review was useful or not, and review the review.

9:07:049:07:07

It's a beautiful endless feedback loop, Nish,

9:07:079:07:09

and you can't fight it any more!

9:07:099:07:11

LAUGHTER

9:07:259:07:26

-Are you done?

-Yeah.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Pierre Novellie!

9:07:269:07:29

Thank you.

9:07:299:07:31

APPLAUSE

9:07:319:07:33

Let's go back to Rachel at the social media wall.

9:07:359:07:37

Thank you very much, Nish.

9:07:379:07:39

So, well, we have been absolutely overwhelmed, actually, by your

9:07:399:07:43

response to the question we posed at the start of the show,

9:07:439:07:45

which was...

9:07:459:07:46

We've had absolutely several responses.

9:07:489:07:51

Like this one.

9:07:529:07:54

Profits before people, and why not? Nice to start on a happy one.

9:08:039:08:09

And this one came in from Thereesa Good, who says...

9:08:099:08:12

That panned out well, then, in the end. Good to hear.

9:08:199:08:23

And finally, back to the stories.

9:08:239:08:25

This one from Ovaltine Hound, who says...

9:08:259:08:28

That's a timely reprimand for our eldest royal there.

9:08:369:08:39

So there's just time for me to say thank you for a really great

9:08:399:08:42

response to the question we posed earlier for no obvious reason.

9:08:429:08:45

-And back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris.

9:08:459:08:48

Just time for a final visit to the Mash news desk.

9:08:529:08:55

The latest headlines...

9:09:009:09:02

"Look what came out of my fanny," says Facebook mum.

9:09:029:09:05

LAUGHTER

9:09:059:09:07

Boris claims toxic atmosphere at Number Ten is David Davis's breath.

9:09:089:09:12

Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack.

9:09:159:09:19

But first, as the world's biggest arts festival gets under way,

9:09:219:09:24

Edinburgh locals have been asking themselves

9:09:249:09:26

where on Earth all these twats come from.

9:09:269:09:28

We can go live to Nathan Muir,

9:09:309:09:33

who is on the city's idiot-packed streets.

9:09:339:09:35

Every year, thousands of attention-hungry hopefuls descend

9:09:359:09:39

on Edinburgh, armed with ukuleles, monologues and over-confidence.

9:09:399:09:43

But, for the locals, the issue is not just the volume of twats,

9:09:439:09:48

but the constant fear that they might accidentally end up

9:09:489:09:51

in some sort of performance.

9:09:519:09:53

I was in a corner shop

9:09:539:09:54

and the checkout woman starts role-playing with my shopping,

9:09:549:09:57

pretending my chicken had fathered my yogurts.

9:09:579:09:59

That went on for 20 minutes.

9:09:599:10:01

It got four stars in the Guardian!

9:10:019:10:04

I went home to lock myself away

9:10:049:10:05

only to find a poet was doing free verse in my garden.

9:10:059:10:08

If he hands me a flyer, I'm going to fucking lose it.

9:10:109:10:13

A man's ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him

9:10:159:10:19

the respect of other total bell-ends.

9:10:199:10:22

Sales manager Joseph Turner's £1,400 Diplomat Edition Weisser Aqua-Tech 9

9:10:279:10:33

has made him more popular

9:10:339:10:35

with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf.

9:10:359:10:38

It's beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials

9:10:389:10:44

that are hard to see without a magnifying glass.

9:10:449:10:47

They do important things like telling you the...er, month.

9:10:479:10:51

One of the guys in the office saw it straightaway and he was

9:10:519:10:54

telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth, you know.

9:10:549:10:59

Then just last week the managing director

9:10:599:11:01

of Oswestry Guttering Supplies Ltd said...you know, "Nice watch."

9:11:019:11:06

A pair of Londoners have spent an ironic week in the country

9:11:079:11:11

laughing at the backwardness of the primitive locals.

9:11:119:11:14

Joseph and Nikki Turner,

9:11:169:11:18

a smug London couple who both work in branding,

9:11:189:11:20

have rented a farm cottage in the Cotswolds,

9:11:209:11:23

and they're in their second day of patronising rural people.

9:11:239:11:27

The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under

9:11:279:11:31

a plant pot. I mean, like, God!

9:11:319:11:34

Like just imagine doing that in London!

9:11:349:11:35

-It's like wartime or something, isn't it?

-Yeah, like, what?

9:11:359:11:38

And at lunch, I asked for directions to an Itsu.

9:11:389:11:42

-There wasn't an Itsu, of course, but we did end up in this pub.

-Oh, yeah!

9:11:439:11:48

-It was so authentic, they didn't even do tapas.

-Hm.

9:11:489:11:51

We did have to leave because

9:11:519:11:52

Nikki got into an argument with this farmer about

9:11:529:11:55

whether his agricultural was sustainable.

9:11:559:11:57

Well, the guy was like, "You don't even know what sustainable means,"

9:11:579:12:00

and we were like, "Yes, we do. It means good."

9:12:009:12:03

-It was a little bit patronising.

-Yeah.

9:12:039:12:05

We actually spent last weekend

9:12:079:12:09

in a little bed and breakfast in the Forest of Dean.

9:12:099:12:11

-It was very romantic.

-Oh, you and your wife?

9:12:119:12:13

No, actually, I was at a work conference. My mistake.

9:12:159:12:17

That's it for The Mash Report.

9:12:269:12:27

We'll be back in two weeks

9:12:279:12:28

as long as Donald Trump hasn't fired all of us.

9:12:289:12:31

Thank you very much, good night.

9:12:319:12:32

With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.