Episode 3 The Mash Report


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Episode 3

With up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the show that

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looks at the week's news and asks the question on everyone's lips -

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"What? Why is this happening?" and "Are we all going to die?"

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We're coming to you in a week that has seen some sad, sad news.

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Anthony Scaramucci, White House communications director

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and pound-shop Goodfella, has been fired.

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And now we've put together the highlights of his time in office.

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MUSIC: Nightswimming by REM

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# Nightsw... # MUSIC STOPS

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Good night, sweet Mooch. We hardly knew ye.

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And what we did know of ye is that ye were a crazy bastard.

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LAUGHTER

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Before we get on with the show,

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let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

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Headlines on the hour...

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Theresa May to return from holiday refreshed, revitalised

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and completely shit at her job.

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LAUGHTER

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Price of electricity to rise,

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say men who set the price of electricity.

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LAUGHTER

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And hot tub owners pretend it's not just a nasty sex pond.

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LAUGHTER

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But first, Tony Blair says he will probably do another Iraq War

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after getting off scot-free with the first one.

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After the High Court decided not to prosecute him,

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a cocky Blair left the court

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saying he wasn't afraid of no war crime bullshit,

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and he will invade Iraq again if he feels like it.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's join our reporter Nathan outside the court.

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Nathan, tell us, what's been happening?

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Blair arrived at the High Court

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wearing a tracksuit

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and claiming that, "The Feds ain't got no shit on me."

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As it was decided no action would be taken against him,

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he could be heard to comment, "Get in," before going outside

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and cracking open a can of lager.

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On the court's steps, Blair claimed he could invade another country

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and get away with it whenever he wanted to,

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adding that he had some serious gangster shit going on.

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LAUGHTER

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Prince Philip died - sorry - retired yesterday.

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LAUGHTER

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And following his final public engagement,

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the foreign-averse royal feels he can finally speak his mind.

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The reliably offensive Prince,

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who nobody realised was on his best behaviour for his last 50 years,

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now feels free to truly unleash the dark musings

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of his mad, privileged mind.

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Emma is at Buckingham Palace.

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Emma, how batshit is demob-happy Prince Philip being right now?

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Pretty batshit, Tom.

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Today, as he watched TV with the Queen,

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Philip saw of a clip of Usain Bolt

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and speculated for several minutes about

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whether African athletes practised by jumping over crocodiles.

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LAUGHTER

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Surely that's business as usual.

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Yes, but then he called Prince Charles a big-eared piss streak

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and launched a surprising broadside against the entire

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nation of Belgium, calling them mayonnaise-eating wankers.

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Then he phoned Brad Pitt to inform him

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that World War Z was a pile of toss.

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He really is a maverick and a true asset to the nation.

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Yes, it's very sad he'll no longer be doing whatever it is he did.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, breast-feeding mums have confirmed that they

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are not offended by people looking at their amazing tits.

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The news, which comes during World Breast-feeding Week,

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a global celebration of jugs in action,

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reassures Britons that it's OK

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to admire a lovely pair of milk-engorged boobs,

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and that there's no need to be all weird and sly about it.

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Emma Bradford is in a cafe packed to the rafters

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with splendid motherly milk bags.

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Emma, how much of an eyeful are you getting?

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Susan, I am taking it all in and I'm loving it.

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Nursing women have completely incredible boobs that,

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up until now, could only be admired with a sly sideways glance.

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I know sometimes people feel uncomfortable about me

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using my body's natural secretions to keep my baby alive

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while out of the house, but that's why we're saying, like,

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don't divert your eyes,

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like, this is the best that my tits are ever going to look.

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Like, right now, you know, they're massive,

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but, you know, after this baby business they're...

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they're going south for the winter.

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LAUGHTER

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Back to you, Susan.

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Thanks, Emma. Mine are fake. More from us later.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So, let's move on to Brexit.

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This week a Yougov poll revealed that 61% of Leave voters

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over 65 believe significantly damaging the economy is

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a price worth paying for Brexit.

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And half said they would be prepared to have a family member

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lose their job in order to get the Brexit they want.

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Now, speaking as a representative of the younger generation,

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let me just ask older Leave voters a question.

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Why do you hate us?!

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HE SOBS

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Was it fidget spinners?

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Was it the Kaiser Chiefs?

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Was it the Star Wars prequels?

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We hated them too!

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LAUGHTER

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So, how is it going?

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You'd have thought it'd be all quiet on the Brexit front,

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what with Theresa May off on holiday.

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That's right, the kitten heels are off, and the out-of-office is on,

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which presumably reads something like this...

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LAUGHTER

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Last week Chancellor Philip Hammond suggested there would be

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a transitional deal with the EU, which would mean the UK would

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have to continue with some version of freedom of movement.

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Then on Monday, a spokesperson for Number Ten said that

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freedom of movement would end in 2019.

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Things have got pretty confusing

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about what Brexit is going to entail.

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Take a look at this recent graph on the BBC News website,

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which is supposed to show where the Leave and Remain vote went

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at the general election.

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All that graph is telling me

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is that the news has finally had a breakdown.

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Brexit is in such a mess, even graphs have gone to shit.

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Unless it's a magic eye picture and you just have to look really

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carefully and eventually you'll be able to see the message -

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"Your country is fucked."

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LAUGHTER

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To add further insight into the Brexit process,

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please welcome our Brexit correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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-Hello, Nish.

-Hello, Andrew.

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So, why is there so much infighting happening over Brexit?

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Well, we've got two basic problems, right?

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We need to sort out free movement of people,

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and we need to sort out trade deals with the rest of the world.

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So, how do we solve both of these issues at the same time?

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I mean, I would say a unified

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and cohesive sense of what our goals are going into these talks.

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No, Nish, no, absolutely not.

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What we need to do is take it a step further.

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What are you suggesting?

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I suggest we leave the rest of the world.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, that's definitely going to require a second referendum.

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LAUGHTER

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I spoke to a couple of experts to see how we can begin

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-to truly take back control.

-OK.

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Brexit has given us the perfect opportunity to shake off

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our European hangers-on.

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But despite Britain's best efforts to make

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the lines on maps of the Middle East nice and straight,

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or to heroically meet opium demand in 19th-century China,

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the rest of the world remains ungrateful.

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Could it be time for a British world exit or,

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as some people are calling it, a Bwexit?

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To discuss making Bwexit a reality, I spoke to Labour MP

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and notorious Remoaner Chris Bryant.

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Brexit is going to happen.

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But, if we want to become truly independent,

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why don't we go the whole hog,

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with Bwexit?

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Mmm... Bwexit?

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Bwexit is British world exit, OK?

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Britain makes countless weapons,

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we grow food,

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we make our own chairs, OK? Surely we can be independent.

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I don't think we do make our own chairs any more, do we?

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And we certainly don't grow all our own crops.

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If we could grow a few more crops and make a few more chairs,

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surely it would be like a heavily armed version of The Good Life.

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Except if one of the neighbours came round, we could shoot them.

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That is...about the stupidest question I've ever been asked.

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-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

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Some people...

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have likened people who voted for Brexit

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to "utter pricks".

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Is that a fair statement?

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CHRIS LAUGHS

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Look, I mean, I wish we'd voted to Remain.

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I think it's like we're cutting our throats,

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and, as every day goes by, there's more evidence that

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the Brexiteers had absolutely no plan for Brexit whatsoever

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and it's a great big step into the dark and all the rest of it.

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So, "utter pricks" is language you wouldn't use?

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Not on this programme.

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What about "jowly xeno-bastards?"

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Is that a term you'd use?

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No.

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"Ruddy cheeked turbo-racists?"

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No.

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"Nano-Hitlers?"

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I'm not sure what a nano-Hitler is.

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OK. I'm putting you down as a yes for "nano-Hitlers".

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LAUGHTER

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So, Chris Bryant may not be convinced,

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but I still believe that Bwexit could work.

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And I know exactly how to do it.

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Should we relocate the United Kingdom to space?

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LAUGHTER

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Er...

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-Well, the UK is 70-odd million people.

-Yeah.

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The number of people who've been into space numbers in the thousands.

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It would be an unprecedented endeavour.

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But it's better than hearing people talk foreign on the bus, isn't it?

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LAUGHTER

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In the film Close Encounters,

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the world discovers intelligent alien life.

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Now, if that happens in space, is there a way that you can think of

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that we can persuade them to buy British?

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know how to answer that. I'm sorry.

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I just want to show you, so, here is an iconic picture.

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This is Neil Armstrong standing on the moon, 1969.

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-It's Buzz Aldrin, actually.

-It's Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon.

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-Neil is in the reflection.

-Neil... I was just...

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-Neil's in the reflection here...

-Yeah.

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..of Buzz Aldrin, standing on the moon.

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Here's another one.

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LAUGHTER

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Mm-hmm.

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It's better, isn't it?

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It's not really my taste, erm...

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OK, I hear what you're saying, so...

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Britain on the moon, Britain in space. Could we do it?

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You could technically do it. I wouldn't want to manage the project.

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Do you think it's a bad idea?

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Yeah, I think it's quite a bad idea, yeah.

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But it's not a terrible idea?

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-No, it's not a terrible idea, no.

-OK.

-It's a bad idea.

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-Yeah, but it's not a terrible idea?

-No.

-OK. OK!

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It's a bad idea though.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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But it's not terrible.

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LAUGHTER

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Drifting through a bleak, barren nothingness,

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frightened, alone, and with no end in sight,

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David Davis certainly has his work cut out in Brussels.

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But if Brexit goes right, then maybe, just maybe,

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after one small step,

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Britain will be ready for the giant leap of Bwexit.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I think, Andrew, before we attempt to exit the world,

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ministers need to put their differences aside

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and work together to make Brexit work again.

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Nish, with respect, I disagree, and I will see YOU on the moon.

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NISH LAUGHS

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-Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

-Thank you.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Rachel Parris is as ever taking your messages

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at the hashtag nofilter social media wall.

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Rachel, what does Britain have to say for itself?

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RACHEL LAUGHS

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Nish, you crack me up.

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Ah...

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So, tonight, in the light of Trump's sacking of communications

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director Anthony Scaramucci, we're reaching out to you, the public,

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by asking the question,

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"Have you ever been sacked from a job, and why?"

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So, please do send in your answers, for God's sake.

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LAUGHTER

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Don't forget to hashtag The Mash Report,

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because I think this is going to be really interesting, don't you, Nish?

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Yeah, I mean, I'm trying not to be sacked from this job right now.

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-RACHEL LAUGHS

-Don't count on it.

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LAUGHTER

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So, in the meantime, we've had some messages coming in

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about the stories so far.

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This one is from Hampstead Mummy, on the breast-feeding story.

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She says...

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Yes, quite. Hard enough to get them to look you in the eye,

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Hampstead Mummy, let alone latch on.

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-OK, moving on!

-OK, happily, Nish.

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Oh! This is exciting.

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We've got our very first response to the question which

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we posed about being sacked.

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Sideshow Blob has responded...

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LAUGHTER

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You poor thing!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Please do keep sending in your answers to the question,

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"What job have you been sacked from, and why?"

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We're really, really keen to engage with you for some reason.

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LAUGHTER

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-Over to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

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APPLAUSE

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Let's go back to the Mash news desk for the latest stories.

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The latest headlines...

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Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers.

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LAUGHTER

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Vegan scientist discovers second topic of conversation.

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LAUGHTER

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And child's drawing nowhere near good enough

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for expensive new fridge.

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LAUGHTER

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But first,

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Theresa May's pink holiday dress is nowhere near selling out online.

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LAUGHTER

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High-street retailer Next has confirmed that

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the damask shirt dress sported by the PM while on holiday in Italy

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is not flying off the rails in any way, shape or form.

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Nathan is standing by a mannequin with more.

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Dubbed the May-not effect,

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retailers have never seen sales

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so unimproved by huge press coverage of their stock.

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The shop's website has the same, if not slightly less, traffic,

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and no-one is stampeding anywhere or punching anyone to get this dress.

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Thanks, Nathan.

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Experts have confirmed that post-truth

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is just a clever name for wankers talking shit.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that

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far from so-called post-truth being a new phenomenon,

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wankers have been talking shit since the beginning of civilisation.

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We're joined in our Birmingham studio by Professor Henry Brubaker,

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who has been leading a major study into post-truth.

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So, Professor, post-truth - is it nonsense?

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As far back as medieval times, wankers were talking shit.

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Mainly about dragons and goblins.

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Pretty much any scary-looking forest was claimed to have

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some sort of troll, witch or a giant snake covered in tits.

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So you're saying that post-truth is itself rather ironically bullshit?

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People just love saying things are post-whatever,

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cos it makes them feel clever.

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Like if you called brunch post-breakfast.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, the word "brunch" is pretty annoying, but just you saying

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"post-breakfast" makes me want to punch you in the face.

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-Well, I'd want paying extra for that.

-Thank you, Professor Brubaker.

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Donald Trump's horrifying communications director,

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Anthony Scaramucci,

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has been sacked for pretending he had a cool nickname.

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Scaramucci claimed he was commonly called The Mooch.

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However, former school friends confirm that he was actually

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known by the less flattering name, Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

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Here's Nathan with more.

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The Mooch is an admittedly cool name,

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that evokes a Fonz-like ability to operate jukeboxes by kicking them.

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However, Anthony Scaramucci is guilty of perhaps the worst

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crime a man can commit - making up his own nickname.

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Earlier, I spoke to Mary Fisher,

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who went to the American version of school with him.

0:17:060:17:10

Well, at first we used to just call him Small Eyes, because, you know,

0:17:100:17:15

he has the eerie, marble-like eyes

0:17:150:17:17

of a male porn star, then another kid noticed that he had a wet

0:17:170:17:23

and slightly sticky handshake, like holding a frog or some ejaculate.

0:17:230:17:28

That's where Jizz Hands came from.

0:17:280:17:30

So finally, we settled on Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

0:17:300:17:35

It used to make him incredibly angry, which was sort of the point.

0:17:350:17:40

-My school nickname was The Badass.

-I struggle to believe that, Tom.

0:17:420:17:48

No, really. I was born without an anus.

0:17:480:17:51

In 2017, we are overwhelmed with choice.

0:18:010:18:04

Sometimes, it's hard to know

0:18:040:18:05

how best to spend our valuable time and money.

0:18:050:18:07

Here to guide us with his expert reviews, please welcome

0:18:070:18:10

to the show with our arts and lifestyle reviewer, Pierre Novellie!

0:18:100:18:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:130:18:15

-Hi, Pierre.

-Hi.

-So, what have you got for us this week?

0:18:190:18:22

Well, first up, I have cuisine and I'm reviewing a Yelp review

0:18:220:18:26

from James F, who went to a Cafe Rouge in Durham.

0:18:260:18:29

There we go. James said...

0:18:290:18:31

Well, Nish, there's a lot to like in this review.

0:18:340:18:36

My main critique would be I'd like to know more

0:18:360:18:38

about his expectations going in.

0:18:380:18:40

What was he hoping for from a steak tartare?

0:18:400:18:42

Why did it fail to deliver?

0:18:420:18:44

But I do admire his brevity

0:18:440:18:45

and his emoji, so it's four out of five from me.

0:18:450:18:49

-Are you reviewing...reviews?!

-That's right, Nish.

0:18:490:18:54

I'm reviewing real reviews left by people on the internet.

0:18:540:18:57

-OK, I have a follow-up question.

-Hm?

0:18:570:18:59

Why?

0:18:590:19:01

LAUGHTER

0:19:010:19:02

Well, reviewing used to be a profession, Nish.

0:19:020:19:05

An opinion had weight, it was printed on paper, it was

0:19:050:19:07

something you could hold in your hand, but now everyone's a reviewer.

0:19:070:19:10

Reviews have been outsourced to the general public,

0:19:100:19:12

like driving taxis or organising casual sex.

0:19:120:19:16

But who reviews the reviewers, Nish?

0:19:160:19:20

Who watches the watchmen?

0:19:200:19:21

Well, yeah, that is a good point. I mean, why do we trust people when...

0:19:210:19:25

It's me. I do that now. Me.

0:19:250:19:27

So, here's Jane's Amazon review of her purchase of a Pritt Stick.

0:19:280:19:33

She's given it three stars, saying...

0:19:330:19:37

"As I would expect"? What does that even mean, Jane?

0:19:410:19:44

Maybe I have high hopes for my Pritt Stick experience.

0:19:440:19:47

You get out of my head, Jane!

0:19:470:19:48

You don't know me, you don't know my life.

0:19:480:19:50

APPLAUSE

0:19:500:19:51

So, on to my review of the week.

0:19:560:19:58

It's Hannah in London's review of London Zoo.

0:19:580:20:01

It's informative, it's thoughtful, it's engaging,

0:20:010:20:04

and just look at that title - "London Zoo. So, so tired."

0:20:040:20:08

This could go either way, Nish.

0:20:080:20:10

Is she tired from having fun,

0:20:100:20:12

or has London Zoo inspired within Hannah a profound ennui?

0:20:120:20:16

They know what they say, Nish - when a man is tired of London Zoo,

0:20:160:20:20

he is tired of life zoo.

0:20:200:20:24

-Literally no human being has ever said that.

-I heard it on the train.

0:20:270:20:32

Look, Pierre, I get your point - we review everything,

0:20:330:20:36

the public's opinion has far too much power,

0:20:360:20:39

even when their reviews are arbitrary and unqualified.

0:20:390:20:41

We get it, but you're meant to be our reviewer,

0:20:410:20:45

so why can't you do something useful for the viewers and maybe

0:20:450:20:47

just review, like, a film that's out now or something?

0:20:470:20:49

Because it's been done, Nish. I'm trying to carve my own niche, Nish.

0:20:490:20:53

-LAUGHTER

-It's a public....

0:20:530:20:56

It's a public service.

0:20:560:20:57

Someone needs to know about this stuff, or rather, someone

0:20:570:21:00

needs to know that someone thinks they know about this stuff, right?

0:21:000:21:04

Here's your film review -

0:21:040:21:06

oh, Lesley in Plymouth - The Smurfs: The Lost Village movie.

0:21:060:21:09

"Three stars, popcorn too salty."

0:21:090:21:12

LAUGHTER

0:21:120:21:15

You see? Sort it out, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

0:21:150:21:18

You know the correct amount of salt Lesley likes on his or her popcorn!

0:21:180:21:22

You knew he or she was coming, and you did nothing!

0:21:220:21:25

You Hollywood liberal elite!

0:21:250:21:27

How dare you look down on the salt preferences of good,

0:21:270:21:29

hard-working families like Lesley is or has.

0:21:290:21:32

Screw you, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

0:21:320:21:34

-This is... No, no. No.

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

0:21:340:21:39

Do not applaud that.

0:21:390:21:40

-Yes, do applaud it.

-Do not applaud... This is bullshit, Pierre.

0:21:400:21:45

-This whole thing!

-Oh, I'm sorry, did you just call all of this bullshit?

0:21:450:21:49

Yeah, I did! It's bullshit!

0:21:490:21:52

Did you just review my review review?

0:21:520:21:55

Ah, yes! That's right, Nish! You're the reviewer now.

0:21:570:22:02

Feels good to have an opinion, doesn't it, Nish,

0:22:020:22:04

and then say it out loud?

0:22:040:22:06

He who reviews the reviewers should be careful, Nish,

0:22:060:22:09

lest he thereby become a reviewer himself.

0:22:090:22:12

-Is that a quote?

-It's Nietzsche, Nish.

0:22:140:22:16

It's not even niche Nietzsche, Nish. Come on! That's right!

0:22:180:22:22

I just reviewed your review review review.

0:22:220:22:25

We're all reviewers now, Nish.

0:22:280:22:30

Every time you buy a book, every time you book a plumber,

0:22:300:22:33

rate and review, rate and review, and other people can say

0:22:330:22:36

if the review was useful or not, and review the review.

0:22:360:22:39

It's a beautiful endless feedback loop, Nish,

0:22:390:22:41

and you can't fight it any more!

0:22:410:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:58

-Are you done?

-Yeah.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Pierre Novellie!

0:22:580:23:01

Thank you.

0:23:010:23:02

APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:04

Let's go back to Rachel at the social media wall.

0:23:060:23:09

Thank you very much, Nish.

0:23:090:23:11

So, well, we have been absolutely overwhelmed, actually, by your

0:23:110:23:14

response to the question we posed at the start of the show,

0:23:140:23:17

which was...

0:23:170:23:18

We've had absolutely several responses.

0:23:200:23:23

Like this one.

0:23:240:23:25

Profits before people, and why not? Nice to start on a happy one.

0:23:350:23:40

And this one came in from Thereesa Good, who says...

0:23:400:23:43

That panned out well, then, in the end. Good to hear.

0:23:510:23:54

And finally, back to the stories.

0:23:540:23:57

This one from Ovaltine Hound, who says...

0:23:570:23:59

That's a timely reprimand for our eldest royal there.

0:24:080:24:11

So there's just time for me to say thank you for a really great

0:24:110:24:14

response to the question we posed earlier for no obvious reason.

0:24:140:24:17

-And back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris.

0:24:170:24:20

Just time for a final visit to the Mash news desk.

0:24:240:24:27

The latest headlines...

0:24:320:24:34

"Look what came out of my fanny," says Facebook mum.

0:24:340:24:37

LAUGHTER

0:24:370:24:38

Boris claims toxic atmosphere at Number Ten is David Davis's breath.

0:24:400:24:44

Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack.

0:24:460:24:50

But first, as the world's biggest arts festival gets under way,

0:24:520:24:56

Edinburgh locals have been asking themselves

0:24:560:24:58

where on Earth all these twats come from.

0:24:580:25:00

We can go live to Nathan Muir,

0:25:020:25:04

who is on the city's idiot-packed streets.

0:25:040:25:07

Every year, thousands of attention-hungry hopefuls descend

0:25:070:25:11

on Edinburgh, armed with ukuleles, monologues and over-confidence.

0:25:110:25:15

But, for the locals, the issue is not just the volume of twats,

0:25:150:25:19

but the constant fear that they might accidentally end up

0:25:190:25:22

in some sort of performance.

0:25:220:25:24

I was in a corner shop

0:25:240:25:26

and the checkout woman starts role-playing with my shopping,

0:25:260:25:29

pretending my chicken had fathered my yogurts.

0:25:290:25:31

That went on for 20 minutes.

0:25:310:25:33

It got four stars in the Guardian!

0:25:330:25:35

I went home to lock myself away

0:25:350:25:37

only to find a poet was doing free verse in my garden.

0:25:370:25:40

If he hands me a flyer, I'm going to fucking lose it.

0:25:410:25:44

A man's ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him

0:25:470:25:50

the respect of other total bell-ends.

0:25:500:25:53

Sales manager Joseph Turner's £1,400 Diplomat Edition Weisser Aqua-Tech 9

0:25:590:26:05

has made him more popular

0:26:050:26:06

with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf.

0:26:060:26:10

It's beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials

0:26:100:26:15

that are hard to see without a magnifying glass.

0:26:150:26:18

They do important things like telling you the...er, month.

0:26:180:26:23

One of the guys in the office saw it straightaway and he was

0:26:230:26:26

telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth, you know.

0:26:260:26:31

Then just last week the managing director

0:26:310:26:33

of Oswestry Guttering Supplies Ltd said...you know, "Nice watch."

0:26:330:26:37

A pair of Londoners have spent an ironic week in the country

0:26:390:26:43

laughing at the backwardness of the primitive locals.

0:26:430:26:46

Joseph and Nikki Turner,

0:26:470:26:49

a smug London couple who both work in branding,

0:26:490:26:52

have rented a farm cottage in the Cotswolds,

0:26:520:26:55

and they're in their second day of patronising rural people.

0:26:550:26:58

The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under

0:26:580:27:02

a plant pot. I mean, like, God!

0:27:020:27:05

Like just imagine doing that in London!

0:27:050:27:07

-It's like wartime or something, isn't it?

-Yeah, like, what?

0:27:070:27:10

And at lunch, I asked for directions to an Itsu.

0:27:100:27:13

-There wasn't an Itsu, of course, but we did end up in this pub.

-Oh, yeah!

0:27:150:27:19

-It was so authentic, they didn't even do tapas.

-Hm.

0:27:190:27:22

We did have to leave because

0:27:220:27:24

Nikki got into an argument with this farmer about

0:27:240:27:26

whether his agricultural was sustainable.

0:27:260:27:28

Well, the guy was like, "You don't even know what sustainable means,"

0:27:280:27:31

and we were like, "Yes, we do. It means good."

0:27:310:27:35

-It was a little bit patronising.

-Yeah.

0:27:350:27:37

We actually spent last weekend

0:27:390:27:40

in a little bed and breakfast in the Forest of Dean.

0:27:400:27:43

-It was very romantic.

-Oh, you and your wife?

0:27:430:27:45

No, actually, I was at a work conference. My mistake.

0:27:460:27:49

That's it for The Mash Report.

0:27:570:27:59

We'll be back in two weeks

0:27:590:28:00

as long as Donald Trump hasn't fired all of us.

0:28:000:28:02

Thank you very much, good night.

0:28:020:28:04

With robust reporting and up-to-the-minute analysis, Nish Kumar and a team of hilarious correspondents keep you up to date with everything that has happened - or not happened - this week.