Episode 3 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the show that

looks at the week's news and asks the question on everyone's lips -

"What? Why is this happening?" and "Are we all going to die?"

We're coming to you in a week that has seen some sad, sad news.

Anthony Scaramucci, White House communications director

and pound-shop Goodfella, has been fired.

And now we've put together the highlights of his time in office.

MUSIC: Nightswimming by REM

# Nightsw... # MUSIC STOPS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Good night, sweet Mooch. We hardly knew ye.

And what we did know of ye is that ye were a crazy bastard.

LAUGHTER

Before we get on with the show,

let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

Headlines on the hour...

Theresa May to return from holiday refreshed, revitalised

and completely shit at her job.

LAUGHTER

Price of electricity to rise,

say men who set the price of electricity.

LAUGHTER

And hot tub owners pretend it's not just a nasty sex pond.

LAUGHTER

But first, Tony Blair says he will probably do another Iraq War

after getting off scot-free with the first one.

After the High Court decided not to prosecute him,

a cocky Blair left the court

saying he wasn't afraid of no war crime bullshit,

and he will invade Iraq again if he feels like it.

LAUGHTER

Let's join our reporter Nathan outside the court.

Nathan, tell us, what's been happening?

Blair arrived at the High Court

wearing a tracksuit

and claiming that, "The Feds ain't got no shit on me."

As it was decided no action would be taken against him,

he could be heard to comment, "Get in," before going outside

and cracking open a can of lager.

On the court's steps, Blair claimed he could invade another country

and get away with it whenever he wanted to,

adding that he had some serious gangster shit going on.

LAUGHTER

Prince Philip died - sorry - retired yesterday.

LAUGHTER

And following his final public engagement,

the foreign-averse royal feels he can finally speak his mind.

The reliably offensive Prince,

who nobody realised was on his best behaviour for his last 50 years,

now feels free to truly unleash the dark musings

of his mad, privileged mind.

Emma is at Buckingham Palace.

Emma, how batshit is demob-happy Prince Philip being right now?

Pretty batshit, Tom.

Today, as he watched TV with the Queen,

Philip saw of a clip of Usain Bolt

and speculated for several minutes about

whether African athletes practised by jumping over crocodiles.

LAUGHTER

Surely that's business as usual.

Yes, but then he called Prince Charles a big-eared piss streak

and launched a surprising broadside against the entire

nation of Belgium, calling them mayonnaise-eating wankers.

Then he phoned Brad Pitt to inform him

that World War Z was a pile of toss.

He really is a maverick and a true asset to the nation.

Yes, it's very sad he'll no longer be doing whatever it is he did.

LAUGHTER

And finally, breast-feeding mums have confirmed that they

are not offended by people looking at their amazing tits.

The news, which comes during World Breast-feeding Week,

a global celebration of jugs in action,

reassures Britons that it's OK

to admire a lovely pair of milk-engorged boobs,

and that there's no need to be all weird and sly about it.

Emma Bradford is in a cafe packed to the rafters

with splendid motherly milk bags.

Emma, how much of an eyeful are you getting?

Susan, I am taking it all in and I'm loving it.

Nursing women have completely incredible boobs that,

up until now, could only be admired with a sly sideways glance.

I know sometimes people feel uncomfortable about me

using my body's natural secretions to keep my baby alive

while out of the house, but that's why we're saying, like,

don't divert your eyes,

like, this is the best that my tits are ever going to look.

Like, right now, you know, they're massive,

but, you know, after this baby business they're...

they're going south for the winter.

LAUGHTER

Back to you, Susan.

Thanks, Emma. Mine are fake. More from us later.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, let's move on to Brexit.

This week a Yougov poll revealed that 61% of Leave voters

over 65 believe significantly damaging the economy is

a price worth paying for Brexit.

And half said they would be prepared to have a family member

lose their job in order to get the Brexit they want.

Now, speaking as a representative of the younger generation,

let me just ask older Leave voters a question.

Why do you hate us?!

HE SOBS

Was it fidget spinners?

Was it the Kaiser Chiefs?

Was it the Star Wars prequels?

We hated them too!

LAUGHTER

So, how is it going?

You'd have thought it'd be all quiet on the Brexit front,

what with Theresa May off on holiday.

That's right, the kitten heels are off, and the out-of-office is on,

which presumably reads something like this...

LAUGHTER

Last week Chancellor Philip Hammond suggested there would be

a transitional deal with the EU, which would mean the UK would

have to continue with some version of freedom of movement.

Then on Monday, a spokesperson for Number Ten said that

freedom of movement would end in 2019.

Things have got pretty confusing

about what Brexit is going to entail.

Take a look at this recent graph on the BBC News website,

which is supposed to show where the Leave and Remain vote went

at the general election.

All that graph is telling me

is that the news has finally had a breakdown.

Brexit is in such a mess, even graphs have gone to shit.

Unless it's a magic eye picture and you just have to look really

carefully and eventually you'll be able to see the message -

"Your country is fucked."

LAUGHTER

To add further insight into the Brexit process,

please welcome our Brexit correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

-Hello, Nish.

-Hello, Andrew.

So, why is there so much infighting happening over Brexit?

Well, we've got two basic problems, right?

We need to sort out free movement of people,

and we need to sort out trade deals with the rest of the world.

So, how do we solve both of these issues at the same time?

I mean, I would say a unified

and cohesive sense of what our goals are going into these talks.

No, Nish, no, absolutely not.

What we need to do is take it a step further.

What are you suggesting?

I suggest we leave the rest of the world.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that's definitely going to require a second referendum.

LAUGHTER

I spoke to a couple of experts to see how we can begin

-to truly take back control.

-OK.

Brexit has given us the perfect opportunity to shake off

our European hangers-on.

But despite Britain's best efforts to make

the lines on maps of the Middle East nice and straight,

or to heroically meet opium demand in 19th-century China,

the rest of the world remains ungrateful.

Could it be time for a British world exit or,

as some people are calling it, a Bwexit?

To discuss making Bwexit a reality, I spoke to Labour MP

and notorious Remoaner Chris Bryant.

Brexit is going to happen.

But, if we want to become truly independent,

why don't we go the whole hog,

with Bwexit?

Mmm... Bwexit?

Bwexit is British world exit, OK?

Britain makes countless weapons,

we grow food,

we make our own chairs, OK? Surely we can be independent.

I don't think we do make our own chairs any more, do we?

And we certainly don't grow all our own crops.

If we could grow a few more crops and make a few more chairs,

surely it would be like a heavily armed version of The Good Life.

Except if one of the neighbours came round, we could shoot them.

That is...about the stupidest question I've ever been asked.

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

Some people...

have likened people who voted for Brexit

to "utter pricks".

Is that a fair statement?

CHRIS LAUGHS

Look, I mean, I wish we'd voted to Remain.

I think it's like we're cutting our throats,

and, as every day goes by, there's more evidence that

the Brexiteers had absolutely no plan for Brexit whatsoever

and it's a great big step into the dark and all the rest of it.

So, "utter pricks" is language you wouldn't use?

Not on this programme.

What about "jowly xeno-bastards?"

Is that a term you'd use?

No.

"Ruddy cheeked turbo-racists?"

No.

"Nano-Hitlers?"

I'm not sure what a nano-Hitler is.

OK. I'm putting you down as a yes for "nano-Hitlers".

LAUGHTER

So, Chris Bryant may not be convinced,

but I still believe that Bwexit could work.

And I know exactly how to do it.

Should we relocate the United Kingdom to space?

LAUGHTER

Er...

-Well, the UK is 70-odd million people.

-Yeah.

The number of people who've been into space numbers in the thousands.

It would be an unprecedented endeavour.

But it's better than hearing people talk foreign on the bus, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

In the film Close Encounters,

the world discovers intelligent alien life.

Now, if that happens in space, is there a way that you can think of

that we can persuade them to buy British?

LAUGHTER

I don't know how to answer that. I'm sorry.

I just want to show you, so, here is an iconic picture.

This is Neil Armstrong standing on the moon, 1969.

-It's Buzz Aldrin, actually.

-It's Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon.

-Neil is in the reflection.

-Neil... I was just...

-Neil's in the reflection here...

-Yeah.

..of Buzz Aldrin, standing on the moon.

Here's another one.

LAUGHTER

Mm-hmm.

It's better, isn't it?

It's not really my taste, erm...

OK, I hear what you're saying, so...

Britain on the moon, Britain in space. Could we do it?

You could technically do it. I wouldn't want to manage the project.

Do you think it's a bad idea?

Yeah, I think it's quite a bad idea, yeah.

But it's not a terrible idea?

-No, it's not a terrible idea, no.

-OK.

-It's a bad idea.

-Yeah, but it's not a terrible idea?

-No.

-OK. OK!

It's a bad idea though.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

But it's not terrible.

LAUGHTER

Drifting through a bleak, barren nothingness,

frightened, alone, and with no end in sight,

David Davis certainly has his work cut out in Brussels.

But if Brexit goes right, then maybe, just maybe,

after one small step,

Britain will be ready for the giant leap of Bwexit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think, Andrew, before we attempt to exit the world,

ministers need to put their differences aside

and work together to make Brexit work again.

Nish, with respect, I disagree, and I will see YOU on the moon.

NISH LAUGHS

-Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rachel Parris is as ever taking your messages

at the hashtag nofilter social media wall.

Rachel, what does Britain have to say for itself?

RACHEL LAUGHS

Nish, you crack me up.

Ah...

So, tonight, in the light of Trump's sacking of communications

director Anthony Scaramucci, we're reaching out to you, the public,

by asking the question,

"Have you ever been sacked from a job, and why?"

So, please do send in your answers, for God's sake.

LAUGHTER

Don't forget to hashtag The Mash Report,

because I think this is going to be really interesting, don't you, Nish?

Yeah, I mean, I'm trying not to be sacked from this job right now.

-RACHEL LAUGHS

-Don't count on it.

LAUGHTER

So, in the meantime, we've had some messages coming in

about the stories so far.

This one is from Hampstead Mummy, on the breast-feeding story.

She says...

Yes, quite. Hard enough to get them to look you in the eye,

Hampstead Mummy, let alone latch on.

-OK, moving on!

-OK, happily, Nish.

Oh! This is exciting.

We've got our very first response to the question which

we posed about being sacked.

Sideshow Blob has responded...

LAUGHTER

You poor thing!

SHE LAUGHS

Please do keep sending in your answers to the question,

"What job have you been sacked from, and why?"

We're really, really keen to engage with you for some reason.

LAUGHTER

-Over to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

APPLAUSE

Let's go back to the Mash news desk for the latest stories.

The latest headlines...

Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers.

LAUGHTER

Vegan scientist discovers second topic of conversation.

LAUGHTER

And child's drawing nowhere near good enough

for expensive new fridge.

LAUGHTER

But first,

Theresa May's pink holiday dress is nowhere near selling out online.

LAUGHTER

High-street retailer Next has confirmed that

the damask shirt dress sported by the PM while on holiday in Italy

is not flying off the rails in any way, shape or form.

Nathan is standing by a mannequin with more.

Dubbed the May-not effect,

retailers have never seen sales

so unimproved by huge press coverage of their stock.

The shop's website has the same, if not slightly less, traffic,

and no-one is stampeding anywhere or punching anyone to get this dress.

Thanks, Nathan.

Experts have confirmed that post-truth

is just a clever name for wankers talking shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that

far from so-called post-truth being a new phenomenon,

wankers have been talking shit since the beginning of civilisation.

We're joined in our Birmingham studio by Professor Henry Brubaker,

who has been leading a major study into post-truth.

So, Professor, post-truth - is it nonsense?

As far back as medieval times, wankers were talking shit.

Mainly about dragons and goblins.

Pretty much any scary-looking forest was claimed to have

some sort of troll, witch or a giant snake covered in tits.

So you're saying that post-truth is itself rather ironically bullshit?

People just love saying things are post-whatever,

cos it makes them feel clever.

Like if you called brunch post-breakfast.

LAUGHTER

I mean, the word "brunch" is pretty annoying, but just you saying

"post-breakfast" makes me want to punch you in the face.

-Well, I'd want paying extra for that.

-Thank you, Professor Brubaker.

Donald Trump's horrifying communications director,

Anthony Scaramucci,

has been sacked for pretending he had a cool nickname.

Scaramucci claimed he was commonly called The Mooch.

However, former school friends confirm that he was actually

known by the less flattering name, Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

Here's Nathan with more.

The Mooch is an admittedly cool name,

that evokes a Fonz-like ability to operate jukeboxes by kicking them.

However, Anthony Scaramucci is guilty of perhaps the worst

crime a man can commit - making up his own nickname.

Earlier, I spoke to Mary Fisher,

who went to the American version of school with him.

Well, at first we used to just call him Small Eyes, because, you know,

he has the eerie, marble-like eyes

of a male porn star, then another kid noticed that he had a wet

and slightly sticky handshake, like holding a frog or some ejaculate.

That's where Jizz Hands came from.

So finally, we settled on Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

It used to make him incredibly angry, which was sort of the point.

-My school nickname was The Badass.

-I struggle to believe that, Tom.

No, really. I was born without an anus.

In 2017, we are overwhelmed with choice.

Sometimes, it's hard to know

how best to spend our valuable time and money.

Here to guide us with his expert reviews, please welcome

to the show with our arts and lifestyle reviewer, Pierre Novellie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Pierre.

-Hi.

-So, what have you got for us this week?

Well, first up, I have cuisine and I'm reviewing a Yelp review

from James F, who went to a Cafe Rouge in Durham.

There we go. James said...

Well, Nish, there's a lot to like in this review.

My main critique would be I'd like to know more

about his expectations going in.

What was he hoping for from a steak tartare?

Why did it fail to deliver?

But I do admire his brevity

and his emoji, so it's four out of five from me.

-Are you reviewing...reviews?!

-That's right, Nish.

I'm reviewing real reviews left by people on the internet.

-OK, I have a follow-up question.

-Hm?

Why?

LAUGHTER

Well, reviewing used to be a profession, Nish.

An opinion had weight, it was printed on paper, it was

something you could hold in your hand, but now everyone's a reviewer.

Reviews have been outsourced to the general public,

like driving taxis or organising casual sex.

But who reviews the reviewers, Nish?

Who watches the watchmen?

Well, yeah, that is a good point. I mean, why do we trust people when...

It's me. I do that now. Me.

So, here's Jane's Amazon review of her purchase of a Pritt Stick.

She's given it three stars, saying...

"As I would expect"? What does that even mean, Jane?

Maybe I have high hopes for my Pritt Stick experience.

You get out of my head, Jane!

You don't know me, you don't know my life.

APPLAUSE

So, on to my review of the week.

It's Hannah in London's review of London Zoo.

It's informative, it's thoughtful, it's engaging,

and just look at that title - "London Zoo. So, so tired."

This could go either way, Nish.

Is she tired from having fun,

or has London Zoo inspired within Hannah a profound ennui?

They know what they say, Nish - when a man is tired of London Zoo,

he is tired of life zoo.

-Literally no human being has ever said that.

-I heard it on the train.

Look, Pierre, I get your point - we review everything,

the public's opinion has far too much power,

even when their reviews are arbitrary and unqualified.

We get it, but you're meant to be our reviewer,

so why can't you do something useful for the viewers and maybe

just review, like, a film that's out now or something?

Because it's been done, Nish. I'm trying to carve my own niche, Nish.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a public....

It's a public service.

Someone needs to know about this stuff, or rather, someone

needs to know that someone thinks they know about this stuff, right?

Here's your film review -

oh, Lesley in Plymouth - The Smurfs: The Lost Village movie.

"Three stars, popcorn too salty."

LAUGHTER

You see? Sort it out, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

You know the correct amount of salt Lesley likes on his or her popcorn!

You knew he or she was coming, and you did nothing!

You Hollywood liberal elite!

How dare you look down on the salt preferences of good,

hard-working families like Lesley is or has.

Screw you, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

-This is... No, no. No.

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

Do not applaud that.

-Yes, do applaud it.

-Do not applaud... This is bullshit, Pierre.

-This whole thing!

-Oh, I'm sorry, did you just call all of this bullshit?

Yeah, I did! It's bullshit!

Did you just review my review review?

Ah, yes! That's right, Nish! You're the reviewer now.

Feels good to have an opinion, doesn't it, Nish,

and then say it out loud?

He who reviews the reviewers should be careful, Nish,

lest he thereby become a reviewer himself.

-Is that a quote?

-It's Nietzsche, Nish.

It's not even niche Nietzsche, Nish. Come on! That's right!

I just reviewed your review review review.

We're all reviewers now, Nish.

Every time you buy a book, every time you book a plumber,

rate and review, rate and review, and other people can say

if the review was useful or not, and review the review.

It's a beautiful endless feedback loop, Nish,

and you can't fight it any more!

LAUGHTER

-Are you done?

-Yeah.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Pierre Novellie!

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Let's go back to Rachel at the social media wall.

Thank you very much, Nish.

So, well, we have been absolutely overwhelmed, actually, by your

response to the question we posed at the start of the show,

which was...

We've had absolutely several responses.

Like this one.

Profits before people, and why not? Nice to start on a happy one.

And this one came in from Thereesa Good, who says...

That panned out well, then, in the end. Good to hear.

And finally, back to the stories.

This one from Ovaltine Hound, who says...

That's a timely reprimand for our eldest royal there.

So there's just time for me to say thank you for a really great

response to the question we posed earlier for no obvious reason.

-And back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris.

Just time for a final visit to the Mash news desk.

The latest headlines...

"Look what came out of my fanny," says Facebook mum.

LAUGHTER

Boris claims toxic atmosphere at Number Ten is David Davis's breath.

Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack.

But first, as the world's biggest arts festival gets under way,

Edinburgh locals have been asking themselves

where on Earth all these twats come from.

We can go live to Nathan Muir,

who is on the city's idiot-packed streets.

Every year, thousands of attention-hungry hopefuls descend

on Edinburgh, armed with ukuleles, monologues and over-confidence.

But, for the locals, the issue is not just the volume of twats,

but the constant fear that they might accidentally end up

in some sort of performance.

I was in a corner shop

and the checkout woman starts role-playing with my shopping,

pretending my chicken had fathered my yogurts.

That went on for 20 minutes.

It got four stars in the Guardian!

I went home to lock myself away

only to find a poet was doing free verse in my garden.

If he hands me a flyer, I'm going to fucking lose it.

A man's ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him

the respect of other total bell-ends.

Sales manager Joseph Turner's £1,400 Diplomat Edition Weisser Aqua-Tech 9

has made him more popular

with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf.

It's beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials

that are hard to see without a magnifying glass.

They do important things like telling you the...er, month.

One of the guys in the office saw it straightaway and he was

telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth, you know.

Then just last week the managing director

of Oswestry Guttering Supplies Ltd said...you know, "Nice watch."

A pair of Londoners have spent an ironic week in the country

laughing at the backwardness of the primitive locals.

Joseph and Nikki Turner,

a smug London couple who both work in branding,

have rented a farm cottage in the Cotswolds,

and they're in their second day of patronising rural people.

The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under

a plant pot. I mean, like, God!

Like just imagine doing that in London!

-It's like wartime or something, isn't it?

-Yeah, like, what?

And at lunch, I asked for directions to an Itsu.

-There wasn't an Itsu, of course, but we did end up in this pub.

-Oh, yeah!

-It was so authentic, they didn't even do tapas.

-Hm.

We did have to leave because

Nikki got into an argument with this farmer about

whether his agricultural was sustainable.

Well, the guy was like, "You don't even know what sustainable means,"

and we were like, "Yes, we do. It means good."

-It was a little bit patronising.

-Yeah.

We actually spent last weekend

in a little bed and breakfast in the Forest of Dean.

-It was very romantic.

-Oh, you and your wife?

No, actually, I was at a work conference. My mistake.

That's it for The Mash Report.

We'll be back in two weeks

as long as Donald Trump hasn't fired all of us.

Thank you very much, good night.