Episode 4 The Mash Report

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to The Mash Report.

We're coming to you in a week of great news. Theresa May is back!

CHEERING That was louder than I'd expected.

And not a moment too soon. Because I for one was starting to

get a little bit worried that she was never coming home.

She has been missing in Europe

longer than Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan.

Earlier this week, a Downing Street spokesperson announced that she'd

be extending her vacation to take a walking holiday in Switzerland.

Switzerland.

I can't be the only person who heard that and thought -

did they kill her?!

Now over to the Mash News Desk.

Headlines on the hour.

Trump orders inquiry into who were the good guys in World War II.

Daniel Craig to return as Bond

after finding nothing better in Job Centre.

Our train companies raise ticket prices to what's ever

in your bank account.

But first, Jacob Rees-Mogg is preparing a Tory leadership bid

with the help of his closest confidantes -

his collection of stuffed toy animals.

Middle-aged yet pre-pubescent Rees-Mogg discussed toppling

Theresa May with the inner circle of Victorian teddy bears

and cuddly woodland animals at a high level picnic meeting.

Emma, what's going down in the woods today?

Well, Susan, Mr Rees-Mogg never makes a decision without

running it past his cabal of trusted toys.

And what is the mood among the toys?

Well, Lord Bunnykins wants him to challenge Theresa May immediately

but Sheepy and Mr Pickle, who needs his eye stitched back on,

are advising caution.

Meanwhile, Snuggles the Donkey has been accused of sabotaging Brexit

and banished to the old suitcase under the four-poster bed.

Emma, I understand Lord Bunnykins has been tipped for a cabinet role,

should Rees-Mogg become PM.

Yes, Lord Bunnykins is expected to replace

Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary because he smells better

and has a better understanding of the common man.

Thank you, Emma.

And finally, a northerner has been accused of terrorising London

by walking around saying "hello".

Generic northerner Stephen Malley left Londoners traumatised

by his attempts to interact with them in a friendly, cheerful manner.

Here's Nathan with more.

Malley arrived here at Oxford Circus at 9:32 this morning.

He had already said hello to several people en route

from King's Cross Station,

leaving worried commuters unsure why

a man they did not know was talking to them.

He made direct eye contact.

And then said, "Mornin'!"

At first I thought, "Is this just a statement?"

because it was the morning

but no, something in his tone suggested this was a greeting.

Malley was apprehended by London Police, who were forced to let

him go, as friendliness to strangers is not a crime until next year.

Outside the station, Malley gave a statement.

Where I come from, it's OK to greet strangers or comment to them

about the weather.

I did not know the customs of London and I apologise

if I offended anyone.

I did not mean to be happy.

I'm going back on the train now.

And, Nathan, what should Londoners do if approached by a northerner?

Headphones on, head down, and avoid eye contact.

They are generally friendly, but they will head-butt if cornered.

Thanks for that. We'll be back with more later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's start with Donald Trump,

which coincidentally is the answer all my American friends

give to the question "Why are you pretending you're Canadian?"

On Sunday, his 2016 campaign's YouTube channel posted this.

Democrats obstructing. The media attacking our president.

Career politicians standing in the way of success.

But President Trump's plan is working.

One million jobs created. More Americans working than ever before.

Unemployment lowest since 2001. The stock market, all-time record highs.

The strongest military in decades.

The President's enemies don't want him to succeed.

But Americans are saying -

let President Trump do his job.

I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message.

Why is he still releasing campaign videos? Does he know he won?

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that even Donald Trump

can't believe he's president.

The timing of this release could not have been worse.

Saturday saw the Unite The Right

rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, thought to be the largest

gathering of white supremacists and neo-Nazis in America for decades.

The violence that followed resulted in civil rights activist

Heather Heyer being killed by one of the white supremacists.

But the focus since then has been on Donald Trump's response.

Let's track it because it's been quite the rollercoaster,

if rollercoasters somehow only went down forever.

On Saturday, Trump made a statement blaming both sides

for the violence and was heavily criticised.

Then on Monday, he responded by denouncing the KKK

and white supremacist groups.

But then on Tuesday, this happened.

What about the alt-left that came charging at the, as you say,

the alt-right? Do they have any semblance of guilt?

Wait a minute, I'm not finished.

I'm not finished, fake news.

Had a group on one side that was bad

and you had a group on the other side that was also very violent.

And nobody wants to say that. But I'll say it right now.

I can't believe it's 2017 and we're still having to say this -

but people who fight Nazis are not the same AS Nazis.

I guess that can now be added to the list of other phrases

I didn't think I'd say this year, including...

Donald Trump is President of America,

nuclear war is imminent, and no, I don't play football for Liverpool.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't clap that!

That is Mohamed Salah, not me! Please stop tweeting me!

You can't compare anti-fascist protesters to

people like, say, for example, this idiot,

who was pictured giving the Nazi salute,

whilst wearing a cap commemorating the 82nd Airborne Division of the

US Army, a division that literally took part in the D-Day landings.

What is the logic here?!

Hey, they fought Nazis for my right to be a Nazi!

If it wasn't for these brave men and women,

I'd be speaking German right now and I'd be loving it!

But Trump claimed that aside from the Nazis

and the white supremacists, there were some very fine people

protesting, so let's look at that claim.

The protests began because of a plan to remove a statue of General

Robert E Lee from Emancipation Park in Charlottesville.

General Lee was a key figure in the Southern Army in the American

Civil War and many protesters were carrying Confederate flags,

so these very fine people are celebrating

the side in the Civil War that were pro-slavery.

They think America peaked in the 1850s. They basically watched

the movie Lincoln and came out thinking he was the bad guy.

In fairness, there is a president they are keen on. During the march,

former KKK leader David Duke openly said that they were

fulfilling the promise of Donald Trump

and perhaps even more disturbingly, some of them were dressed as Trump.

Incidentally, what a Halloween costume that is going to be

this October. Trump's response looks even worse

when you consider a number of the protesters were carrying torches

purchased from a garden furniture manufacturer called TIKI Brand.

They say all publicity is good publicity,

but I think we may have found the exception.

I don't think the last John Lewis Christmas ad would have

done as well if that dog had been a Nazi.

TIKI put out a statement saying they were saddened and disappointed

and asserted they did not support the message of the protest,

before issuing this clarification.

Two things about that statement.

Firstly, backyard gatherings absolutely means middle-aged

sex parties. And secondly... There's no doubt about that.

And secondly, how have we ended up in a situation where patio

paraphernalia is condemning Nazis unequivocally

and the President of America isn't?

CNN described Saturday as Trump's worst day as president,

but let's face it, there is hot competition for that accolade.

The White House should just have a sign up on the lawn

like on building sites that says...

All of which makes it a baffling week to be talking about how

great he is and how he just needs to be left alone to get on with things.

But don't worry, Donald. We've fixed your video for you.

Democrats obstructing. The media attacking our president.

Career politicians standing in the way of success.

But President Trump's plan is working.

Revitalising forgotten communities of Nazis.

He's created new jobs, by firing everyone in his administration.

Leading the world to the brink of nuclear war

with the only person with more daddy issues than him.

And whatever the hell is going on with Russia.

The President's enemies want to stop him and millions of people

in America and all over the world are saying, "Good, do it faster.

"For the love of God, impeach this jackass."

APPLAUSE

Let's catch up with Rachel Parris at the social media wall to get all

the unfiltered thoughts and opinions of the great people of Britain.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Nish.

So, tonight, we're going to be conducting an online poll.

With everything getting a bit blowy-uppy between North Korea

and the United States,

we're asking you - World War III -

are you for or against?

I think it's going to be really useful to learn what a small

number of our audience think about a global issue that they've got

no power to control, don't you, Nish?

Why is there a "don't know" option? Who's on the fence about this?

Life's hard, Nish.

As always, in the meantime,

we will be taking your comments on the stories we've been covering,

so let's take a look at Agnostic Sheila, who asks...

Quite right, Sheila. I'm glad someone finally said it.

And coming in, we've got our first vote in the poll.

That vote is from PingPongMental, who has voted FOR World War III.

He explains his position by saying...

Oh, I'm afraid we can't guarantee that, PingPongMental.

But what I can guarantee is that as things stand in our poll,

we are going to war!

Back to you, Nish.

Thank you, Rachel Parris! APPLAUSE

There's been a lot in the news recently about artificial

intelligence and robots.

Just last week, Elon Musk of Tesla and SpaceX tweeted that

AI presents a far greater threat to life than North Korea.

What we do know is that the coming robot revolution will change

almost every field of human endeavour.

Driverless cars could put millions out of work, military bots

will completely change the nature of warfare, but robots could

also raise our quality of life and make us vastly more productive.

To help grapple with these issues,

please welcome our technology correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Greetings, human.

-OK. Andrew, should we be worried?

-Yes.

OK, sorry. I was hoping for a bit more of a sort of nuanced answer.

Well, you'd better get used to that sort of cold efficiency, Nish,

because the machines are coming.

Fortunately, there is some good news, as well as the bad news.

OK, well, what's the good news?

Robots could make the world a happier place, look after

our ageing population, and open new doors to erotic fulfilment.

And what is the bad news?

They're also going to wipe us out with enormous bombs,

trample over our scorched ribcages

and reign over the smouldering Earth for 1,000 centuries.

So, a mixed bag?

It is a mixed bag, yes.

Isn't it a bit alarmist to say that robots will take over society?

Possibly, but on reflection,

don't you think it's better to be asking that question now,

rather than when we're being hunted by 18-foot-tall metallic zombies

with furious electric skull faces?

It feels like you're getting a lot of your information from Terminator.

-All of it.

-All of it!

-All of it.

Anyway, as a result, I have been looking this week at

what happens when you combine A and I with you and me.

Once upon a time,

robots like these at the Science Museum were considered awkward,

clumsy, subservient beings who existed only to do our bidding.

But as scientists get closer to achieving full artificial

intelligence, is it time the humans started to fight back or

should we simply hand over control now to these metal bastards?

To find out, I went to speak to an expert at Imperial College London.

In London.

So, more and more robots and computers are taking our jobs.

Should we be afraid?

We should not.

They will take over some jobs, but not very many.

The bulk will be where humans and machines work

in partnership with one another.

They lack the intelligence

and common sense that humans innately have.

But do you need intelligence and common sense

if you're working at, say, Halfords?

You do.

You need that general intelligence that humans have

that machines and robots just don't have.

OK.

So, it sounds like our jobs are safe from robots for the moment.

The question is, are we?

Is a robotic uprising genuinely possible

and is it something we should be worried about?

No and no.

I would not expect a robot to have intention and rise up any more than

I'd expect my electric toothbrush to rise up.

But my electric toothbrush doesn't have a gun.

-No, maybe you could arm it, though.

-But why would I?

Exactly, why would you arm a robot?

-But people are arming robots.

-Yes, they shouldn't do, though.

-So, are they arming toothbrushes?

-No.

Let's press on.

-Now, you're a judge on the TV show Robot Wars...

-That's correct.

..in which robots have to fight each other for the entertainment

of male virgins.

Do you think it's possible that come the AI revolution,

robots will have a TV show called Human Wars,

in which, say, you have to have Hulk Hogan against Clare Balding?

No.

Who do you think would win out of Hulk Hogan and Clare Balding?

If Clare Balding had a circular saw on her forehead?

I think that's such a ridiculous question

that it doesn't deserve an answer.

OK.

Do you think we could end up with a robot

so well-evolved that it is able to deny that it's a robot?

I could programme a robot to deny that it was a robot now.

Right.

If asked the question, "Are you a robot?" say, "No, I'm not a robot."

-So that can be done.

-Yes, of course.

So, are you a robot, for example?

No, I'm not.

But that is what a robot would say.

It is what a robot would say.

-So, are you a robot?

-No, I'm not a robot.

OK, you're not a robot.

So, the machines may not be ready to enslave the human race just yet,

but if we don't keep a careful eye on them, the next person to tell you

there's an unexpected item in the bagging area might just be this guy.

MUSIC: Terminator theme

APPLAUSE

I mean, I think, Andrew, we're still a long way from

artificial intelligence having the ability to destroy the human race.

But I do think it's essential that we start retraining workers

whose jobs are most at risk from industrial automation.

Nish, it's exactly that kind of leadership and common sense

that I would say makes you the ideal person to lead the resistance

in the upcoming war against the machines.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!

APPLAUSE

The latest headlines:

Middle-aged friends instantly regret buying festival tickets.

DVD still not working,

despite being wiped on man's trouser leg.

Passengers desperate to know back story of bus drivers

who didn't wave to each other.

But first, Brexit Minister David Davis has said

everything is going incredibly well after being swallowed by a hippo.

Here's Nathan with more.

Britain's Brexit chief was enjoying a brainstorming walk

at London Zoo when he tripped and fell into the enclosure,

only to be immediately seized and swallowed whole

by a large bull hippo.

However, speaking from inside the beast's stomach,

Davis was upbeat, and said he was actually in a strong position

to negotiate with the animal

about not being fully digested.

Well, it's actually surprisingly comfortable in here.

Very warm and soft,

and there's even a bit of light coming in, which is fantastic.

I'm feeling incredibly confident that myself and the hippo

will soon agree a deal whereby I remain in its stomach

for a fixed period, perhaps three years.

That would pave the way for a full regurgitation,

which I think is ultimately what we all want.

With arrests of drunken air passengers up by a shocking 50%,

Wetherspoons is responding to public demand by creating

a fleet of flying pubs.

The airborne drinking establishments, or Skyspoons,

allows Britons to pursue their beloved hobby of getting totally

shitfaced on planes, but without the hassle of going abroad or to prison.

Let's go over to our reporter, Emma Bradford.

Tom, after loading up with thirsty Brits,

the fully licensed publiners will simply fly in a holding pattern

around Luton Airport,

enabling everyone on board to remain pissed for a fortnight or more,

without having to set foot in a confusing, foreign country.

But what's it like to fly one of these

mighty aerial cirrhosis factories?

I spoke to Skyspoons pilot Tom Booker.

Well, it's really no different to flying a normal 747,

except that you have it on autopilot most of the time,

because the cockpit is also a bar.

Thanks for that. We'll be back with more, later.

APPLAUSE

The conflict in Syria has been going on for six brutal years.

I think it's fair to say recently, beyond talk of the struggle

against Isis, we've stopped thinking about it as much,

it's stopped dominating the news.

But I'm afraid to say people are still being killed

and refugees from the country are still fleeing and still suffering.

So joining me now, with some insights into the ongoing conflict,

please welcome our war correspondent, Pierre Novellie.

APPLAUSE

-Thank you, Nish.

-OK, so, Pierre, tell us about Syria.

Last we heard, it was an absolute nightmare - poison gas,

civilian massacres, a dictator on one side, Al-Qaeda affiliates

on the other, and in between are Isis and some very brave Kurds.

Plus you've got the Russians, plus Turkey, I mean, it's a real mess?

Yes, it's high time we all started to forget about Syria.

We can't just forget about Syria. We've got to do something.

Well, look, Nish, here's the thing about the West -

if we intervene, we're imperialists, and if we don't intervene,

we're ignoring all the massive suffering.

So you're saying it's a catch-22?

Exactly, we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.

And that means that the only suffering we can reduce is our own.

So let's start ignoring the whole ugly mess.

It worked beautifully with Ukraine.

That war's still happening now.

And no-one in this room had even thought about Ukraine for ages.

Probably until I said it just then.

I'm sorry, by the way, please resume, no more Ukraine.

Is this really your big idea, to put your fingers in your ears

-and ignore the situation like a child?

-Yes!

I just want to stop being sad all the time,

and who's happier than children?

Well, western children, obviously.

So, in order to learn more about forgetting about our problems,

I talked to a charity expert and the Great British public.

Indian famine, South African concentration camps,

18-30s' holidays.

These three examples show us that no-one is better than Britain

at forgetting crimes against the world.

But how can we apply some of that magic to forgetting Syria?

To find out, I went to speak to a representative

of a leading refugee charity.

OK, so, how is it that people start to forget about,

or begin to ignore, crises?

I think that people are just very busy with their daily lives.

-Busy.

-People are working long hours.

-They get home and then they have to look after their family.

-Family.

People are also, I think, very much,

-stuck in whatever bubble they're in...

-Bubbles. Right.

And I've heard the term "compassion fatigue" used.

What is that?

It's when people get distracted by daily life

and they stop donating as generously.

Out of sight, out of mind.

So, is there a way I can give myself that condition?

-Give yourself compassion fatigue?

-Yes.

-Why would you want to do that?

I would like to stop thinking about all of these terrible things.

I'm not really sure that's a useful hypothesis to make.

How many harrowing situations

do you think the public can care about at one time?

And is it seven?

I don't know the answer to that question.

No.

I've seen all eight Fast And Furious films.

But after the seventh one, I really didn't want to see the eighth one.

I did, out of duty, but I didn't want to.

Is that a question?

Is it?

No.

OK.

So the charity sector may be sceptical about forgetting Syria.

But what would the Great British public think?

How do you forget about Syria?

You don't.

But wouldn't it be better just to forget about Syria?

You can't forget about Syria.

How do you forget about Syria?

By doing other things.

-Swimming, Zumba.

-Listening to music.

And you can listen to music whilst doing Zumba, of course.

-Oh, yes.

-You can.

-Well, I'll have to give it a go.

-Yes.

-Thank you very much.

-That's OK.

Shall we laugh together and see if it helps us

either forget or feel better about something like Syria?

Ha, erm...

-Like I just did there?

-Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha!

-Yeah, just...

-Ha-ha!

-..awkwardly laughing...

That's right!

-Feel better?

-No.

No, me neither.

APPLAUSE

OK, so, Pierre, did it work?

Have you finally managed to forget about Syria?

Where?!

No.

No, no, I'm just joking.

Those images are seared onto my brain for ever.

But, the important thing is that, as a nation,

we never waver in our determination to stand up for our right

to ignore the rest of the world.

Thank you very much, Pierre Novellie!

APPLAUSE

Let's just quickly catch up with Rachel Parris

at the social media wall

and see how she's getting on with the online poll.

Nish, depending on your attention span,

you may remember that we asked the question,

World War III - are you for or against?

I'll let you know whether the viewers think

we should just blooming well go for a nuclear war in a moment.

But first, let me update you on the reactions to the stories.

So, T0by-Lerone has tweeted...

He really does conjure an image of an imperialist,

racist overlord, but one who knows how to tip his hat to a lady.

Which I always appreciate.

And FigRoly has sent in a message about health and safety...

Well, a moving and confusing tweet there from FigRoly,

so thank you very much.

OK, Nish, I hope you're excited,

because it's time to announce the outcome of our online poll.

And I'm very proud to reveal we've had not hundreds,

not thousands, but several responses.

And I can tell you that...

overall, you, our intelligent and lovely viewers,

are in favour of World War III!

"But why?", you scream in terror?

Well, Biffers26 makes this point...

That's right, people so often forget that carnage does have a fun side.

And thanks to all of you who took part in our simplistic poll

that canvassed a handful of people about whom

we have no background information.

-Back to you, Nish.

-Thank you, Rachel Parris!

APPLAUSE

We've just got time for one final visit to the Mash News Desk.

Closing headlines:

Milk in shops comes from cow's tits.

Mo Farah quashes allegations of drug cheating by finishing second.

And Garden Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.

Garden Bridge is falling down, fuck off, Boris.

But first,

the maintenance of a large bell in central London

has caused uproar among the usual dicks.

The people in charge of the bell said it's old

and needs to be temporarily stopped while work is done on it,

which caused the usual dicks to

describe it as a national disgrace,

while running around,

flapping their arms.

One media dick declared that even the Luftwaffe

couldn't stop it chiming, although the Nazis were trying to

blow it up rather than doing scheduled maintenance work.

I've never even thought about this bell before,

but now it's going away, I'll tell you this,

if we don't hear it every hour of every day, society will collapse.

We have to silence this magnificent bell

just to stop a few workmen going deaf?

The sooner we come out the EU the better.

Sex is actually quite strange.

That's the conclusion of a new study which confirmed that

sexual intercourse is probably the oddest thing you could do.

Professor Henry Brubaker is in our Cardiff studio.

So, Professor, what's so weird about sex?

Picture yourself, naked and grunting,

lying on top of another person.

You're saying stuff that isn't even proper sentences,

often amounting to little more than just swearing at each other.

Meanwhile, your face exudes a mixture of pain and concern,

like you've just pulled a hamstring.

That's sex.

But surely sex is entirely natural?

Well, so are turtles, and they're like little walking dog turds

with army helmets on their backs.

Just because something's natural, doesn't mean it's right.

I remember when I had sex. It WAS weird.

We all thought so.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for watching The Mash Report. I'm Nish Kumar.

See you next time. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE