Compilation The Matt Lucas Awards

# Hello, my friends It's time you will surmise

# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies

# They're not for achievements That usually get the prize

# This show is for those we all too seldom recognise

# Let's review the ones who were rejected

# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected

# So take your seats, m'ladies and m'lords

# It's the Matt Lucas Awards

# Lucas Awards! #

Hello and welcome to the Matt Lucas Awards,

the show that gives the awards other shows don't give.

Tonight's show is a look back at some of my favourite bits

from across the series, hope you enjoy it.

APPLAUSE

So, it's time for our first award.

A wise man once said that "no man is happy without delusion".

I was thinking that only the other day when I was having my hair done.

But who, according to our guests,

deserves the Lucas for Most Deluded Group Of People, Andy?

People who still trust their banks.

Rhys?

People who own personalised numberplates.

And Susan?

Parents.

Lightning strikes again and again and again,

my lovely mother, I'm so excited

that your mother is here,

There's a kind of erotic...

there's an erotic charge in the room already.

We've all felt it, he's saying what everyone's thinking.

Yes, well, at my age it's not kinky, whereas at yours it is.

My lovely mother had her knees replaced.

In the olden days, when they used to do it with metal.

Do not get your knees replaced with metal

if you are going to live in a climate where there are lots of storms.

-Right.

-Because lightning - cling!

Time and again she was out for a walk and cling!

-The lightning came and went straight to her metal knees.

-Really?

How many times has your mum been struck by lightning?

Well, it killed her eventually. Don't laugh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But, yes, I was trying to pay a tax bill and there was a problem,

phoned up the bank and there was a lady who said,

"There were limits in place to prevent fraud, Mr Parsons."

And so we argued for a bit,

I said, "Well, obviously you know it's not fraud

"because you've spent the last five minutes checking I am

"who I say I am and you obviously don't think that I'm not

"who I say I am cos you keep calling me Mr Parsons, right?"

"But also in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried

"to defraud anybody else by paying their tax bill for them?"

LAUGHTER

Big Dick, why do you have such a problem with innuendo?

Um, I think that...

LAUGHTER

That was not funny!

Nothing funny about big and dick in that context.

But, basically...

LAUGHTER

You just undermined my whole argument!

The user of innuendo has I think five best friends, um, the words,

"it", "big", "came", "hard"

-and anything to do with fruit.

-Right.

And the use of any of those words in an otherwise innocent sentence

allows an idiot to make a kind of pathetic innuendo.

I keep getting bits of paper out of my pockets here,

which gives the impression I do lots of homework all the time, I don't.

-But I've written down...

-You're taking it from everywhere!

-I know.

-He's got one in every hole! Aye!

-Here we go!

I'm going to read out...

I'm going to read out just a few simple innuendos

to demonstrate innuendo isn't funny,

these contain some of the key words that I mentioned a moment ago.

This will prove innuendo isn't funny.

None of this audience will laugh,

and if you do laugh, then I will think a lot less of you.

Santa Claus will be coming down the chimney soon,

with his big sack, which he'll empty onto the floor.

LAUGHTER

See, there's one or two out there for sure.

Pathetic.

-Rhys?

-Yes.

-Why have you gone for people

with personalised numberplates as your most deluded people?

Because the fact that they cost a lot of money

and they make no sense most of the time.

For example, if I wanted a private numberplate

and I wanted to have Rhys on it - R-H-Y-S.

You can't get Rhys.

You get like R1135.

-Now that doesn't spell Rhys.

-No.

-Cos it's R11...

and they charge a lot of money for it. I looked it up today

on the internet and melons, ME10N5.

-Yeah.

-Melons.

-Yeah.

-£35,000.

Wow!

Why would you want melons as a private numberplate?

Well, you might have a very, very nice pair...

I've a lovely pair and that for me would be a very good choice.

Don't you think you could do something better with your money?

-Yes, definitely.

-For £35,000, you could get a hell of a set of melons!

That's right.

They've got that, the thing where they can take

-an outline of your naked body.

-Yeah.

And I remember when they first came out, was with me dad,

and because they were brand new, people were worried about them,

and this poor guy was going, "So what we do is we take a picture of you,

"it's a semi-naked outline of your body,

"but we delete them straightaway."

And my dad went, "Well, what about if someone walked through with

"and they had like two willies or something like that?"

His first concern was the privacy of a two-penised man!

-That was the first thought in his head!

-I've interviewed him.

-Have you?

-On This Morning.

What did you ask the man with two willies?

What he did with them, you know.

LAUGHTER

-You can do two things at once.

-Were they both fully operational?

-They were both fully operational.

-Wow!

Well, I'm not going to waste this, see you later!

I bet there's a queue for that fella!

There'd be a queue for that fella.

If you form two queues.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you still know any of the dance steps that you did as a child?

Well, I do know, but... Yeah, I know some of them.

Can I ask you to demonstrate this knowledge?

-Erm...

-Can I call upon you?

-Oh, OK.

-Would you? No, it will help your case.

-OK.

It will help prove how deluded your parents were.

OK, erm, it would help if I had some music as well, though, because...

-Music, OK, I'm sure we can.

-It's quite difficult to get...

Can we have some music, please?

MUSIC: "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky

-Genuinely going to do this.

-OK.

-So, first position.

But I can never do my arms right, I look like a crab.

-Disco, I did disco as well, though.

-Could you do some disco?

DISCO BEAT PLAYS

Oh, there you go, they're ready for you.

Five Star!

Very nice.

Very nice, Susan Calman!

There you go.

And that really strengthened your argument, I think.

Have you ever considered plastic surgery?

I think if I was going to do anything like that, it's more hair removal,

I've got a lot of hair. I don't want

to rub it in your in your face...

-I could rub it in your face.

-I'd rather you didn't.

-I'd rather you didn't.

-I'm covered in the stuff like at the back.

Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah, it's not good.

At the hairdresser's, literally, they don't know where to stop.

I end up topless in the hairdresser's.

That's a merkin on your back.

Thank you.

Do you have a problem with John Barrowman?

Cos I always think he looks like a full-size Tom Cruise.

What would you say if you met Tom Cruise,

-what would you say?

-Big if, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I think I'd sort of say, "How are you hanging?" Is that it?

-That's what the Americans say.

-Then I'd say, "See you later,"

and then I'd sort of toddle off.

I'd lie down prostrate before him. But facing up.

-Have you ever interviewed Tom Cruise?

-No!

No, there's some people I... I would just...

every egg would leave my body.

Mum, were you a deluded parent about me?

-I think so, yes.

-Oh, thanks!

I knew you were very good at maths. I thought you could act,

I thought you could sing, I thought you could perform

and I thought you were good at comedy.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

She's still waiting for me to settle down

with the right woman, to be honest!

OK, will the Lucas for Most Deluded Group of People

go to people who trust their banks,

people with personalised numberplates or parents?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

Eh, yes, Sooty. We feel the most deluded group of people,

without a doubt, are parents.

-Hurray!

-Thank you very much. OK.

So, the winner of the Lucas for Most Deluded Group of People is parents.

APPLAUSE

On to our next award.

We all have days in the calendar we all look forward to, don't we?

Christmas Day, Boxing Day or, if you're BNP, St Georges Day,

"Should be a day off work, shouldn't it?"

But which of the 365 days of the year is the one we most dread.

Nominations please for the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year.

Ardal.

My wife's birthday.

-Robert?

-Any Sunday.

-And Adil?

-Valentine's Day.

So, um, Ardal, why do you dread your wife's birthday?

Well, I should stress, I've nothing against her in any way whatsoever,

the timing.

It comes at a terrible time for me,

it's very shortly after Christmas

and very shortly after our wedding anniversary.

And then it comes into the middle of January which also happens to be

genuinely my lowest point of the year,

so it's a really terrible time.

So, I feel the pressure is intolerable.

Not only do I have to like excel once again on the present front,

um, you know, my pipes are frozen.

Is that a euphemism, sorry?

I think that's a rather cute little puppet, don't you?

-Oh, what? No!

-Cuddly.

It's got the voice of an old lady,

and the hectoring demeanour of...

I can't even finish it,

cos I'm so upset just thinking about the Y bird again.

If the Y bird was here now, what would you say to her?

I wouldn't speak to her. I wouldn't look at her.

If she tried to talk, I'd be like "Oh, is there a bee buzzing around?

"I can't hear any." Did you never do that when you were a child?

If you're trying to fight with your sister,

"Oh, is there a bee in the room?"

-Well, we have a surprise for you, Josie.

-Oh, God, no! Are you serious?

Listening to every word you've said from her seat in the audience,

is the condescending voice of the Y bird, Ellie Darvill, just over here.

APPLAUSE

Josie, would you like to backtrack/apologise at this point?

Sorry, I can't see her. Who's here? I can't see her.

Hello, Josie!

Oh, my God! Oh, this is like a waking nightmare!

I think you're very wrong to castigate dear old Y?

If it was you, if it was just you going round

and not the wooden bird, I'd be like,

"Oh, that seems like a nice woman!"

But like when...

Don't backtrack now, Josie!

Yeah, yeah, we've got the tapes, we've got the tapes!

By the way, if Scrappy Doo is here, I still think you're a nob.

Ellie, where is the Y bird now?

Well, she has been...

in protective custody for the past 10 years or so.

But we managed to get an extradition order and...

Oh, Jesus!

-It's smaller than I thought.

-Hello.

Josie? Would you like to go and touch the Y bird?

-Go and give the Y bird a stroke, go on, Josie.

-Come on.

Am I allowed to grab it off your hand and throw it into a fire?

-No.

-What do I...? I've never met a puppet of anything really before.

I don't know whether I should shake its hand.

She hasn't got a hand.

Usually with children, you're running them around

to different places, aren't you?

Picking them up from a birthday party,

-taking them to another birthday party.

-Birthday parties!

-Other people's birthday parties full of other people's children.

-Yes.

-That you have to be nice to.

-Yes.

I mean, it's fine, you know, I like children,

but I prefer mine to other people's.

And because you've got to be on your best behaviour

-and you can't swear.

-I prefer other people's children.

Can't clip them round the ear any more. Sorry.

If you if you're like me, you haven't got children, it's great.

Of course you have to prefer other people's children!

I don't plan to have children. You can play with Robert's children.

You don't plan to have any children?

I've got no plans at the moment.

You've made some very early choices, young man.

Well, you're not selling it very well, Robert!

I'm not here to sell it. I'm here to complain about it.

-Sell your children.

-I will not sell my children to you.

Racist! You won't sell your children to him.

-Exactly. Exactly.

-Sell him your children!

Sell him your children!

I don't know if he's responsible or not, but sell them to him.

£1.99.

Jason, did you write into any TV programmes ever?

Well, I wrote and sent to Swap Shop, from Ireland.

In Dublin, we had all the same TV as you had,

but when they said send in a toy, they meant Britain.

They didn't mean Ireland.

-And I sent them Frustration, and I wanted an Evil Knievel.

-Yeah.

And I didn't get anything.

And I was doing the Royal Variety Show, actually

and I'd never met Noel Edmunds.

And he walked up and I went, "Ere, Noel!" like this,

and there was, like, security guards all started to move in,

because not many people knew who I was anyway.

An Irish guy wandering round near the Royals.

But anyway I went, "Ere, Noel, you owe me an Evil Knievel!"

He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

And I was dragged away from him.

You were dragged away from Noel Edmunds?

Two backstage bodyguards kind of pulled me away.

It's heart-breaking when you're a kid and you do write to somebody,

and they don't write back,

which is why I appreciated Morph taking the trouble.

I have an older brother and when I was about four years old

he faked a letter from Matthew Corbett

telling me that Sooty, Sweep and Sue were coming round to the house

to pick me up and take me out for the day.

And I waited on the stairs for about three hours.

You can put the camera on that bastard,

he's sat over there, actually.

I waited about 30 years to get my revenge, it's happening right now.

I have a son of four and what you did to this boy is disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, made my hair fall out, yeah.

Yeah.

Mum, did you dread Sundays when I was little?

No, I didn't, actually.

We used to do lots of things with friends.

Yeah, it was nice, Sundays were nice.

Yeah, but when you were a bit older,

and you and Howard were off my hands,

then I spent quite a lot of time on my own.

Sunday can be a very lonely day, actually, as it happens.

This is very cheery, this, isn't it?

Sometimes my wife's birthday falls on a Sunday.

And do you know what? It's not just Sunday.

I'm with Robert entirely on this, it's Mondays and Tuesdays as well.

I mean, there's far too many days in the week. Wednesday.

I never did stand-up, but I was in Toad Of Toad Hall,

I like to name-drop, and there was a kid in the audience

who took a hate to me from the moment I came on.

And he would just scream those words, F off, a small child.

And I changed costumes throughout the show. I came on as a rabbit

at one point, then I was a pig.

The kid recognised me, and he'd scream F off every time I appeared!

So then at the very end we sang and I can't sing, OK,

but I gave it everything I had and I sang that

# And Toady of Toad Hall... #

black out, and I just filled his head.

What's worse, being forced to spend Valentine's Day

with your partner or being alone and single?

Definitely the last bit, although I am single,

it's obviously the forced bit, yeah.

So, part of this dislike about Valentine's Day

comes from not having anyone to share it with?

No! No.

A lot of denial going on there. How long have you been single?

-Um, probably about five years now.

-What's your type?

-I don't have a type, does anyone have a type?

-Yeah.

Like when they've got the little thing in between their legs.

APPLAUSE

-I had a dream about him once.

-Really?

Absolutely true. Basically, I'm in bed with Sean Connery

and I'm in like a train carriage. Oh, God!

And...we've both got no clothes on.

He's on the floor like with his...

he's... basically, I'm mating him, right?

And the problem I've got is that I can't basically put what

I want to do, I can't do it and I'm embarrassed about it

and I'm trying and he's going, "Oh!" You know. Whatever.

Hang on a minute. Are you the Arthur or the Martha?

I'm delivering, as it were,

-and you know in dreams suddenly your dad appears?

-No.

-Or someone appears, where did he come from?

-No.

My dad is sitting opposite. Watching in bed, going, "No!"

Looking embarrassed, not because he's thinking, "What are you doing,"

because he feels bad that I'm doing it wrong

and do you know what my dad said to me?

"Rhys". He's Welsh. "Rhys, let Sean do the work, he'll find it."

So you enjoyed it?

I did enjoy it, but then I thought I felt wrong, bad about it.

He's an older man and he's married but, yeah.

It was one of the best dreams I've had. He was very affectionate.

-That's nice.

-He was very nice, he was a total gentleman.

Well, hang on a minute, he wasn't that much of a gentleman.

He let you do it on the first date.

As an expert in relationships,

what's your view of Roberts's nomination?

I think that Robert's is a classic kind of case of

you know a relationship having gone through the process of expansion

where you meet, you fall in love, you have kids, that's very exciting,

you're massively into your kids and then suddenly you hit a wall

and it's a routine of fishfingers and, you know, birthday parties.

-I've hit a wall?

-Yeah.

-I have hit no such thing, madam!

And that's the point at which infidelity or divorce becomes...

I'm not infidelitising!

What you have to do is you have to reintroduce

novelty into your relationship.

What, with a special hat? What? Leather, leather hat?

In terms of in terms of doing what Ardal does, going climbing,

going, getting out, doing stuff together.

Oh, for crying out loud!

-It's true.

-Climbing, I'm up at six every morning, I'm not climbing!

It's a really close vote, one or two in it, you get everybody in

and if there are people sick, they are brought in in ambulances.

And the whips go down to the ambulances,

they see the body there, they see the tubes coming out of it,

they see the body, they go, "Oh, I'm so sorry."

What have you done to the table? Hang on a minute.

APPLAUSE

There's probably a law against that as well.

This is...this is what that...

Don't change the subject!

It won't be a problem, because we've got the Blue Peter team here.

Yes. That's true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what is going to win the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year?

Will it be Ardal's wife's birthday, any given Sunday,

or Valentine's Day?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

THEY WHISPER

Because no girls I've met think a bag of chips from the chippy's romantic,

we'll go for Valentine's Day.

OK, the winner of the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year

is Valentine's Day.

Time for our final Lucas of the night, it's our Hidden Talent award.

Every week we find out which special skills

our guests normally keep under wraps, your nominations, please.

Eamonn.

I can identify the films of John Wayne,

just by the hat he wears.

Josie.

I can guess the end of any headline

from a certain type of woman's magazine.

And Jason.

I can sing Italian opera.

OK, Alex I was going to offer you three attempts

but if you say you can do it on the first attempt?

Never miss, never miss.

He's going to land a sweet into the bell of that there trumpet, OK.

In one!

-It didn't go in.

-First miss.

The first ever miss? Really?

Of about a thousand. OK, let's go again.

ALL: Ooooh!

No! I just missed it!

THEY GROAN

Do you want a wicketkeeper?

Yeah, OK, good idea.

-Is that what they do?

-Yeah.

All right.

THEY GROAN

We've come this far, ladies and gentlemen!

-Here we go.

-Come on, you can do it.

I've never missed. I've never missed.

Here we go.

THEY CHEER

All right, off we go.

Right, that is from The Green Berets.

Correct, that's from the Green Berets.

Correct. Let's have the next one, please.

What do we think?

That I think...

is True Grit, 1969.

Yes, that's correct. True Grit. Very good.

OK, let's bring up the next photograph, please.

That's a cavalry hat and that is from the film Rio Lobo.

It is from Rio Lobo. How about that?

Let's have a look at the next picture.

Right, um, he would have worn that hat. Come on, Eamonn.

That is in... I think he wore that in a movie called The Cowboys.

That's right. Correct. He wore it in The Cowboys.

OK, let's have a look at the next picture, please.

EAMONN LAUGHS

That isn't a Duke hat, that's Batman's cowl, isn't it?

That's his son, Bruce Wayne.

OK, so I'm assuming you need total silence from the audience?

Yes, I expect them to treat breathing through your left eye

with the respect it deserves.

Yes. If you're ready, Richard.

3, 2, 1.

HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING

Well done, Richard Bacon's eye, ladies and gentlemen!

-Your name.

-My name is Josie Long.

We're up against the clock, you'll have to be Josie not too Long.

I just thought of that, I actually just thought of that myself.

Your specialist subject?

Finishing the sentence of the headline of Take a Break magazines.

-Excellent. OK, your time starts now.

-OK.

-Oh, is it GCSE exams?

-Close,

-Geography O-level, well done, I'll give you that.

-Thank you.

Is it... Because sometimes they have women who are like really

deliberately very fat who squash men, so is it something to do with

"I hid biccies in my spare stomach." No, my stomach overhang?

It's another part of the body.

Massive cleavage?

Oh, very good!

That's where I'd keep them.

Is it massive cleavage?

"I hid biccies in my giant boobs." Well done. OK.

Oh, God, that doesn't help, that doesn't help.

Mark claims to be able to instantly

and, some might say, rather pointlessly,

calculate how many letters there are in any given word.

Let's put this claim to the test.

Your time starts now.

Charity.

7.

Bitter.

6.

Bisexual.

8.

Threatening.

Oh, loads, um, 10.

-Incorrect.

-Shut up.

-It's 11.

I thought you meant "incorrect" was one of them, in which case 9.

So, singing to stay in the competition, it's Jason.

# Libiamo, libiamo ne'lieti

# Calici che la belleza infiora

# E la fuggevol ora

# S'inebrii a volutta

# Libiamo ne'dolci fremiti

# Che suscita l'amore,

# Poich... #

JASON LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

# Godiam, la tazza e il cantico

# La notte abbella e il riso

# In questo paradise

# Ne sopra il nuovo d... #

HE CONTINUES SINGING

Jason Manford!

Well done!

Here with her CCDFP routine, it's Ruby Wax.

# Makka Pakka Acka Waka Mikka Makka Moo! #

HE OINKS

# You're a good soldier Choosing your battles

# Pick yourself up And dust yourself off

# Get back in the saddle You're on the front line

# Everyone's watching You know it's serious

# We're getting closer This isn't over

# The pressure's on You feel it... #

Oh! Whoa!

# But you got it all Believe it

# When you fall get up, oh-oh If you fall get up, eh-eh

# Tsamina mina zangalewa Cos this is Africa

# Tsamina mina, eh-eh Waka waka, eh-eh

# Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa #

Thank you.

So, we've seen all the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award,

identifying John Wayne films by the hat he wears,

completing the headlines in women's magazines, and opera singing.

Which means it's time to ask,

judges, what is your verdict and why?

We were so impressed with the opera singing

and where did that come from? My mum would have loved it!

So, the winner of the Hidden Talent award is Jason!

There we go, the winner of the Hidden Talent Award

is Jason Manford!

Well, that's it for tonight and for the series.

Thanks once again to all my guests, to our wonderful judges,

to my mum and to all of you for watching.

We'll be back for another series next year, unless we aren't.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd