Episode 6 The Matt Lucas Awards

# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise

# For me to give some gongs out, and the same rule still applies

# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize

# This show is for those we all too seldom recognise

# Let's review the wronged and the rejected

# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected

# So take your seats, miladies and milords

# It's the Matt Lucas Awards!

# Lucas Awards! #

Yes, it's the Matt Lucas Awards.

And please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, thank you, thank you very much.

Lovely, hello. Hello there.

Hello there.

Hello and welcome to the show

that gives the awards other shows don't give.

As ever, my mum is in the kitchen. Hello, Mum.

-Hi.

-And providing the nominations tonight

we have Dave Gorman, Ruby Wax and Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now this series, the winners of each award are going to be decided

by a panel of judges who this week are four original EastEnders.

Please welcome John Altman, Leonard Fenton, Nej Adamson and Peter Dean,

also known as Nick Cotton, Dr Legg, Ali Osmond and Pete Beale.

Time for our first Lucas Award of the evening.

Now, there's no doubting that there have been

some truly great Americans.

President Obama, Arnold Palmer, Michael Jackson's llama.

But who are the Yanks that have really let the side down?

Your nominations, please, for the Lucas for the American

most likely to make us glad we lost the USA to begin with.

-Alex?

-Tom Cruise.

-Dave?

-Kevin Trudeau.

-And Ruby?

-My Uncle Jimmy.

So, Alexander, why have you nominated Tom Cruise?

Matthew, it was, um...

-It's not actually Tom Cruise.

-Right.

I really like the guy, I think he's a cool...

He seems like a dude.

Scientology seemed fun, didn't it?

And I like all his little acting, his pretending, that's fine.

It's more his face, I don't like Thomas Cruise's face.

I remember when I was about eight or nine, I was very confident about my face.

I remember I saw it in reflections in puddles cos we didn't have mirrors,

so I was very confident.

I thought I was fine, I thought it was a good face.

Then I watched Top Gun in 1986,

and my life was kind of ruined,

cos I saw his face and it was just a much better face.

His face was everything my face isn't.

So Tom Cruise has made you feel, kind of, aesthetically inadequate?

Yeah. It's mainly his smile.

Like, he's got his mouth full of these teeth,

hundreds of teeth all lined up in perfect order,

-and mine, I can't really smile.

-Go on, have a go.

When people say "smile", I sort of...

And it's because of Cruise, I think he sets the bar too high.

In England we've got the guys, more realistic faces, know what I mean?

It's just a better standard of face.

Have you ever considered plastic surgery?

I think if I was going to do anything like that, it's more hair removal, I've got a lot of hair.

I don't want to rub it in your in your face. I could.

I'd rather you didn't.

I mean, I'm just covered in the stuff, like at the back.

Yeah, it's... Oh, yeah, it's not good.

At the hairdresser's they literally don't know where to stop. I end up topless.

-That's a merkin on your back.

-Thank you.

Do you have a problem with John Barrowman?

Cos I always think he looks like a full-size Tom Cruise.

What would you say if you met Tom Cruise, what would you say to him?

-Big if, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I think I'd sort of say, "How are you hanging?"

Right, that's what the Americans say.

And then I'd say, "See you later", and then I'd sort of toddle off.

I'd lie down prostrate before him. But facing up.

Have you ever interviewed Tom Cruise?

No, no there's some people I would just...

Every egg would leave my body.

So, Dave, you've nominated Kevin Trudeau. Who is Kevin Trudeau?

-He is the, sort of, king of the infomercial.

-Right.

So late at night he does these talk shows...

They look like talk shows but they're not,

because he has paid the person who is interviewing him to interview him.

So it looks like it's going to be like a political interview show, but he's just selling his books.

Well, we have some footage here

from one of the Kevin Trudeau infomercials. Let's take a look.

Then there is also what's called lost money. There's money...

Have you ever owned a bank account? Yes.

Have you ever had a job, got a paycheck? Yes.

Have you ever bought insurance, car insurance, life insurance,

medical insurance? Yes. Have you ever bought any products from any stores?

If you said yes to any of those questions, there is a chance

that there is some money out there that you're entitled to.

It's called lost money.

It's just any question to say yes.

Have you ever bought anything from a shop?

Yes. Have you ever seen a thing? Yes.

-Who do we think the woman is in that clip?

-She's in a coma.

-Right, OK.

But they've pried her eyes open,

and somebody's got their hand up her and is just moving her eyebrows.

I suspect she'll be an actress,

but she's also sort of acting as if she's some kind of...

-She's interested.

-Interested heavyweight interviewer.

What that one should say is this -

"There's this thing called lost money. Have you ever owned a sofa?"

There's some money out there for you!

I've got some of his books here.

There we go. The Weight Loss Cure.

The Natural Cures. Free Money.

It's always something "they don't want you to know about", isn't it?

Yes, he's obsessed with the things "they" don't want you to know about.

The first one is "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About."

Oh, I'd love to know.

And the theory backing this up is that the health industry,

the medical industry, the pharmaceutical industry

do not want you to get better,

because if you get better you'll no longer be a customer for them,

so they want to keep you ill.

They have got the cure for cancer, and they have got the cure for AIDS,

and they have got the cure for all these things,

and you can buy his book to find out what they are.

Then you buy the book and you discover that to find the cure,

you've got to actually go to his website,

where you then have to pay for the information,

and it never... It just unravels.

-A wild goose chase?

-Yeah.

-That's called capitalism.

You've made a very, very good argument there.

Ruby, we gave you the option to abstain on this award

because of your nationality,

but you have very keenly nominated your Uncle Jimmy.

-Jimmy Hamburger.

-Jimmy Hamburger?

-Jimmy Hamburger, yeah.

He sounds like someone making up an American character. He doesn't sound real.

All of my relationships are Hamburgers.

Um, there's Laura Hamburger and Judy Hamburger, all these,

which is ironic because my dad sells hotdogs.

So is that spooky?

So tell us about Uncle Jimmy.

Jimmy, when he was 65, he always...

I don't know what's wrong with Jimmy,

but he lived with his mother, Laura Hamburger, in a bedroom together.

-This is your uncle?

-Uncle, and he'd wheel her around, he'd go

"Hey, Ruby, you like baseball?" You know, with his cap on the other way.

And him and Laura Hamburger, all they do is go to those eateries,

5.99 all you can cram in your mouth.

You know, with a... That buffet is like a runway for a 747

with the Eiffel Tower of cheesecake.

But Laura ate so much that one day she went out with Jimmy,

and she stood up and crushed her own ankles.

So anyway when she died,

Jimmy got all her money, Laura's money,

and showed up at her funeral with the other three brothers,

got the will signed in his and brought Laura Hamburger's...

SHE LAUGHS

This is my family, I'm so proud.

I think, I think your Uncle Jimmy read

Free Money They Don't Want You To Know About.

But he brought Laura's ashes in a Folgers Coffee Tin.

-In a coffee tin?

-In a coffee tin, like he didn't even want to put out for the urn.

So he just shook her a little bit and then took off with the money.

You know, you always thought he'd be really good to Laura.

She ends up in a coffee tin.

What did the rest of the family think about this?

They hated him anyway, but we didn't like Laura much, either.

And my mother really hated Laura Hamburger,

because on the way to Laura Hamburger's husband's funeral,

she said, "I like your fake fur."

My mother said, "This is real fur", and Laura went, "Nah, it's fake."

They fought so hard that they fell out of the car,

almost into the grave, and we called it the fur wars for ten years.

My mother would go, "Laura Hamburger is dead for me, dead."

Jimmy was not Tom Cruise, let's just put it that way.

Tom Cruise always looks like he's smelling himself.

-You know, that look they have.

-And he likes it.

Jimmy never smelled himself, cos it would have been an atrocity.

-We have very different families.

-Do we?

-Yeah.

Mine are the Beefburgers. So it's different.

-Terry Beefburger's mine.

-No.

-Genuinely.

-Get out.

No, it's Terry Gould. He's a lawyer in Norwich, really nice.

So it's time to find out what will win the Lucas

for American most likely to make us glad we lost the USA to begin with.

Will it be Tom Cruise, Kevin Trudeau or Ruby's Uncle Jimmy?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

-Kevin Trudeau.

-Kevin Trudeau!

APPLAUSE

How could a doctor not be offended by the man who wrote this?

-Tom Cruise has pleased a few women, that's fine, he's OK.

-And a few men.

-Really? Oh yeah. Well, I don't know about that.

-We don't know about that.

No, I mean in the cinema, he's pleased audiences of men and women.

You libel the Hollywood stars in your show, pal.

-That's all I meant.

-Don't do it on my show, I can't afford it.

OK, so the winner of the Lucas for American most likely to make us

glad we lost the USA to begin with is Kevin Trudeau.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, time for another award,

and this one is about something a little more personal to the guests.

I want to hear their nominations for the Lucas

for most miserable showbiz experience. Dave?

-A performance at the Hippo nightclub, Nottingham.

-Ruby?

Interviewing Madonna.

-And Alex?

-Tony Hadley's arse.

OK. So, er...

Dave, what was so miserable?

I'm not sure I should even bother,

given that I know what I'm up against.

I was 19, I'd been doing stand-up for probably two or three months.

I had a phone call from an agent who said,

"Do you need the money? Because you are going to die."

And I did need the money cos I was 19 and I'd only just started

doing stand-up, so I said yes.

What happened is the crowd, which was probably about 150 people,

but it was in a very small room, it was rammed to the rafters.

They all started chanting two words.

-Um, the second of those words was "off".

-OK.

And the first of those words began with an F.

-OK.

-And ended with an "uck", and...

..at the age of 19, having very little experience in this game,

I walked on stage to 150 people chanting "u off, u off, u off!"

You should start chanting just to get a flow.

-No, you shouldn't.

-What was the word, though, the F?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Dr Legg's over there, no, please.

The weird thing is this wasn't a reaction to what I did,

it wasn't like, "Oh, well, at the age of 19 he hadn't learned

"to walk on stage funnily enough yet."

This has been decided before you've...

It's a ritualistic sacrifice.

Right, so you were the Wicker Man at the Hippo?

Alex you've done a lot of stand-up, have you had any terrible experiences?

-Can you match that?

-I've had 80.

-80?

Bad experiences, yes.

I never did stand-up, but I was in Toad of Toad Hall.

I like to name drop.

And there was a kid in the audience who took a hate to me from the moment I came on.

And he would just scream those words, "F off" - a small child.

And I changed costumes throughout the show.

I came on as a rabbit at one point, then I was a pig.

The kid recognised me, and he'd scream "F off" every time I appeared.

So then at the very end we sang,

and I can't sing, OK, but I gave it everything I had,

and I sang that "And Toady of Toad Hall..."

Blackout, and I just felt his hand.

Ruby, tell us about your terribly miserable showbiz experience.

Ah, I thought I was doing all right showbiz-wise,

and then they said would I interview Madonna? Well, who can say no?

So I thought, well, great, we're going to bond.

She hated me on sight. We were setting up the cameras,

and she went, "No, I don't want that camera. I want that camera."

She picked the wrong camera, so my camera had Vaseline all over it,

I looked beautiful, I looked ten.

She looked like the surface of the moon.

-She thought she knew which camera was the better one.

-Right.

So that wasn't good, and then cos I got so nervous I asked really...

-STUTTERING:

-"If you were a fire hydrant,

"and I was a cuticle,

"would we ever have Valentine's Day?"

Like dumb questions.

And eventually she got up and left.

But you know, again, I needed to finish this show,

and there needed to be some comedy, and she'd left her handbag.

So I rifled through it and found some of her underpants,

and put it on my head and started doing comedy,

and she walked in the room and saw it.

APPLAUSE

She saw me with the underpants over my head.

-And she's never called me.

-She's never called you?

-Never called, no.

What sort of underpants did she wear?

You know, like a piece of dental floss with some cotton,

you know, some frills.

Alex, your most miserable showbiz experience

involves Tony Hadley's arse. Can you fill us in on this, please?

Yes, it was fairly harrowing.

Don't fill in Tony Hadley's arse, obviously.

-Quite relevant, actually.

-Tell us the story.

I used to be a runner on a TV programme,

which meant you used to do little jobs round the place,

and I was working on a programme called Make My Day.

And it was a hidden camera show where you try to give someone their perfect day.

But they don't realise they're being filmed, it's all set up.

And we're filming in Leeds in a guitar shop,

and a bloke, we were trying to make his perfect day happen,

so the prize for the competition was a statue

featuring a life-size model of Tony Hadley's arse.

-Why? Why?

-I don't know why. I should have asked why.

My job that day was to get the statue.

It's very hard to find a statue of Tony Hadley's arse in Leeds.

So I had to make this statue out of whatever I could find.

So I found some modelling clay, and we're similar stature men.

So I used my arse as sort of mould,

and I made a pretty good... I was pretty pleased with it.

Did you put the clay on your ass and then step out of it?

I read the instructions. You have to bake the clay to become a proper thing,

so I had to persuade the chef in the hotel to put this statue of an arse in his oven.

-Right.

-Before painting it gold. And then I got a call.

The producer said could I drive to the station and pick up

Bez from the Happy Mondays, which was a big moment for me.

So I had Bez in the car and I had to get back to the hotel quickly.

Well, Bez insisted on stopping to get some provisions.

We had to get some paint and cat food...

-You know, normal Bez stuff.

-Yeah.

And then I kind of remembered about the arse that was in the oven.

And we got there and everyone had been evacuated,

there was smoke billowing out of the hotel.

Did you have to explain to the fire brigade what the cause of the fire was?

Yeah, me and the chef. The chef in full chef's garb,

holding this, sort of, charred arse.

-Charred arse is a good phrase.

-That's a good title for a film, too.

That sounds like something on a Heston Blumenthal menu, doesn't it?

That was my story about Tony Hadley's arse.

I just like saying "Tony Hadley's arse".

If nothing else, we've all enjoyed saying "Tony Hadley's arse".

Who is he?

We've come this far and you're not sure?

He's the lead singer of Tony... of Tony Spandau.

He's the lead singer of Spandau Ballet.

Right, why would he need an ass?

-He's got an arse, the thing was there was...

-I'm so confused.

It was a prize for a competition,

and they thought it would be funny to make this arse,

and my demeaning job was to make this arse.

Hm. Not funny at all.

So, what is going to win the Lucas for most miserable showbiz experience?

Being heckled by everyone at the Hippo Club,

interviewing Madonna, or Tony Hadley's arse?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

Well, we was going to do Tony Hadley's Khyber,

but somebody got wind of it, so we're going for the Hippo Club.

So, the winner of the Lucas for most miserable showbiz experience

is being heckled at the Hippo Club, Nottingham.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time for our final Lucas of the night. It's our Hidden Talent Award,

where we find out what special skills

our guests normally keep under their hats.

Your nominations, please. Dave?

-The ancient Japanese art of T-shirt folding.

-Alex.

I can throw a fruit pastel into a trumpet from ten feet.

And Ruby.

-I will be performing the Zumba.

-Excellent.

So, Dave, how did you discover this very special unique talent?

I discovered, er, this talent for T-shirt folding

while watching a YouTube video about T-shirt folding.

-Right.

-I thought, "I reckon I could do that",

and it turned out I could, and now I use it when folding my laundry.

Well, it's time to put your money where your beard-covered mouth is.

If you'd like to join me over there in the bit over there.

Now it's time to see how fast Dave really is,

and we're going to pit him against a very experienced T-shirt folder.

Well, she folds my T-shirts. It's my mum.

Now, Mum, you have some sort of qualification in T-shirt folding?

Absolutely. When I was in the Brownies, I was aged about eight or nine,

I did a proficiency badge in T-shirt and jumper folding,

and I actually got the badge, and it was sewn on there for me.

-APPLAUSE

-So I should be, I should be good competition.

OK, all right, you ready?

Well, Dave and my mum have until the buzzer sounds

to neatly fold as many T-shirts as they can.

Your time begins... wait for it...

Now!

OK, there we go.

This is like Saturday Kitchen when they do the omelette challenge.

-And no-one turns out a proper omelette.

-That's right.

-They just make a mess.

-Have you been on Saturday Kitchen?

I have been on Saturday Kitchen.

I went on it to promote the first series of this show,

and it was a bit embarrassing cos I've never seen it,

and I turned up thinking it was Something For The Weekend,

but I've also never seen that.

And so I arrived thinking "Where's Tim Lovejoy?"

The Chelsea fan, but it was just some cookers, some ovens,

and they made a fish pie and I hate fish cos it tastes like fish.

And I had to pretend not to hate it.

I went, "Oh, that's delicious" but it was horrible.

You're both doing very well...oh!

Lay off my mum, you bearded bully.

Oh, it's getting very close. Oh...

-BUZZER

-Dave is the winner!

APPLAUSE

You see, you didn't need to cheat, did you?

I didn't. I just disrupted one and she's got two left, so I apologise.

I can tell you that your prize is a Saturday job

in The Gap in Watford High Street, so well done.

Well done. If you'd like to make your way back to the seat.

APPLAUSE

You've let me down, you've let them down.

Most of all you've let yourself down.

APPLAUSE

There we go.

So, Alex, you claim you can throw a fruit pastel

into, what, the bell of a trumpet from ten feet?

Yeah, not the mouthpiece. No, the bell.

How did you first discover this extraordinary talent?

I've got a band, my own band who I perform with.

They're called The Horn Section. Oh, they're so good.

But sometimes I find the music quite tedious.

For rehearsal I started lobbing fruit pastels at the trumpeter,

because I sort of saw the circle and the bloke, it looked like a target.

Just chucked them, and every one went in.

-And I've never missed.

-You've never missed?

I'm like a ninja, I can't miss.

-You get it on the first try every time?

-Every time, I've never missed.

All right, you're setting yourself up for a bit of a fall here.

Well, Alex, it's time to see your hidden talent in action.

If you would like to make your way with me over to the bit over there.

APPLAUSE

OK, so you're going to stand there, please, Alex, and this man is...?

John. Joe! Joe. This is Joe, my oldest friend.

OK, Alex, I was going to offer you three attempts,

-but if you say you can do it on the first attempt.

-Never miss.

Okey-dokey, he's going to land a sweet into the bell of that there trumpet. OK.

I-i-i-in one...

PLAYS TRUMPET

-It didn't go in.

-First miss.

-The first ever miss? Really?

Of about a thousand. OK, let's go again.

I-i-i-in two.

PLAYS TRUMPET

Closer, wasn't it? A bit closer.

Sometimes when I go to the lavatory and someone else walks in, I can't pee.

This is like that, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean this whole thing is putting me off.

It's a lot, very breezy.

Yeah, very strong winds(!)

-Very strong winds.

-All right, we'll give you another go.

I-i-i-i-in three.

PLAYS TRUMPET

Oh!

Alex Horne, you are full of shit.

APPLAUSE

Let's have another go.

PLAYS TRUMPET

No! I'm smashing it, I'm smashing it!

-Don't pick it up off the floor!

-I'm angry with myself that time.

-All right, here we go.

-He's waving all over the place.

Don't blame me.

Right, i-i-i-i-in five.

PLAYS TRUMPET

-Do you want a wicket-keeper?

-Yeah, OK, good idea.

APPLAUSE

All right. Shall I chalk it?

All right, here we go.

I-i-i-in...whatever one it is.

Is that what they do?

All right.

PLAYS TRUMPET

GROANING

We've come this far, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

-You can do it.

-Never missed, I've never missed.

PLAYS TRUMPET

AUDIENCE CLAPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What happens now, because of the angle and the speed that I threw it,

the fruit pastel will be travelling around the trumpet, if you may.

It's all steamed up and it'll be travelling all the way round there,

it will go through the little keys

and should now be in the trumpeter's mouth

and if he should just be able to...

APPLAUSE

Alex Horne, make your way back to the sofa.

Thank you, sir.

Ah, I'm exhausted after that.

Sorry. You know the bit earlier when we have to say our most miserable showbiz experience?

-Yes.

-Can I change my answer?

You are allowed, yes. So, Ruby,

before you tell us all about your skill,

I need to point out that because Zumba is actually a trademark,

we're not meant to keep saying its name as it's free advertising.

The name that cannot be spoken.

That's right. So for the purpose of our conversation,

we've come up with a very catchy title.

Copyrighted Columbian Dance Fitness Programme, or CCDFP.

So, Ruby how did you first get into CCDFP?

Well, I got into it as a small child,

but I did my show in Africa,

and I thought, "Bring something to the people."

So I was the first white woman

to actually show them how to move in the centre region.

I did get rounds of applause every night from two people.

-So, Ruby...

-I'll be using my pelvic floor,

you won't be seeing that bit, but that's working at all times.

-Excellent.

-So actually some of the carpet may come up,

that's all I'm saying.

Thank you for warning us.

OK, Ruby, the time has come to put your CCDFP skills to the test.

-If you'd like to take your place over there in the bit over there.

-OK.

OK, here with her CCDFP routine, it's Ruby Wax.

MUSIC: "(Waka Waka) This Time For Africa" by Shakira

AUDIENCE CLAPS

# You're a good soldier

# Choosing your battles

# Pick yourself up And dust yourself off

# Get back in the saddle

# You're on the front line Everyone's watching

# You know it's serious We're getting closer

# This isn't over The pressure's on, you feel it

# But you got it all, believe it

# When you fall get up, oh oh If you fall get up, eh eh

# Tsamina mina zangalewa Cos this is Africa

# Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh

# Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa. #

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thought you were absolutely wonderful.

-And the carpet is within.

-Yes, it is. Congratulations.

You know when, like, Prince Charles and Camilla go on foreign visits

and they end up in a foreign land with tribes-people doing a dance,

and you can see they don't know what to do with their face.

-Yeah.

-I've just felt like that for the last two minutes.

So we've seen the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award.

Dave folding T-shirts very fast, Alex throwing a fruit pastel

eventually down the bell of a trumpet, and Ruby's CCDFP routine.

So for the final time this evening,

judges, what is your verdict and why?

-The winner is CCDFP.

-Excellent, excellent.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So the winner of the Hidden Talent Award is Ruby Wax.

Well, that's about it for tonight.

All I need to do is award this week's Lucas of Lucases,

the special prize that I always give at the end of the show,

that tonight goes to the bravest guest.

And, well, for sheer persistence in the face of abject failure,

I think that makes you rather brave,

the Lucas of Lucases goes to Alex Horne, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd just like to say thank you to the guy who, um, inspired it.

I read his books. Mr Trudeau. He's just brilliant.

You should get his books, they're really good.

I'm beside mys... I'm beside Ruby Wax.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, congratulations once again, and thanks to all of my guests,

Dave Gorman, Ruby Wax and Alex Horne.

To our judges, Peter Dean, John Altman, Leonard Fenton, Nej Adamson.

To my mum and to all of you at home for watching. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd