Episode 5 The Matt Lucas Awards

TRUMPET FANFARE

# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise

# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies

# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize

# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise

# Let's review the wronged and the rejected

# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected

# So, take your seats miladies and milords

-# It's the Matt Lucas Awards!

-Lucas Awards. #

Yes, it's the Matt Lucas Awards,

and please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Hello!

Hello! Yes!

Hello! Don't get up, don't get up, don't get up, don't get up.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Yes, hello and welcome to the show that gives the awards

other shows don't give.

-As ever, my mum is in the kitchen. Hello, Mum.

-Hi.

And providing the nominations tonight, we have my special guests,

Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rhys Thomas.

APPLAUSE

Now, this series, the winners of each award are decided

by a panel of judges, who this week are Sooty, Sweep and Soo.

APPLAUSE

So it's time for our first award.

A wise man once said that no man is happy without delusion.

I was thinking that only the other day when I was having my hair done.

But who, according to our guests,

deserves the Lucas for most deluded group of people? Andy.

People who still trust their banks.

Rhys.

People who own personalised number plates.

And Susan.

Parents.

Andy, you've nominated people who still trust banks.

Now I'm assuming you have a bank account?

I do.

So you include yourself in this, do you?

Well, I've had a few problems with my bank recently.

I was, in fact, I was trying to pay a tax bill,

because some comedians do pay their taxes...

But, yes, I was trying to pay a tax bill and there was a problem,

phoned up the bank and there was a lady who said,

that there were limits in place to prevent fraud, Mr Parsons.

And so we argued for a bit. I said,

"Well, obviously you know it's not fraud because you spent

"the last five minutes checking I am who I say I am,

"and you obviously don't think that I'm not who I say I am

"cos you keep calling me Mr Parsons, right?"

"But also in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried to defraud

"anybody else by paying their tax bill for them?"

And she said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry,

"I'll get my supervisor to give you a call back."

Five minutes later I get a call back, "Hello, is that Mr Parsons?"

"Yes, it is Mr Parsons."

"I just need to ask you a few security questions"

"to check you are who you say you are."

"Who the hell do you think I am?

"Some burglar who's just broken in on the off chance,

"so I can pick up the phone hoping that it may be a bank

"who's a bit loose with some security details?"

In order to prevent all this delusion,

what would be the alternative to having a bank account?

Well, I suppose you could always try Wonga.com, couldn't you?

Current interest rate, I believe, 4,214%.

But I still blame the banks for the success of Wonga,

because essentially it's cos the banks won't lend, will they?

And why won't they lend? That's what banks are supposed to do.

"I'm a prostitute."

"Do you have sex?"

"No, just breakdown cover and pet insurance."

You have a bank account, I assume, Rhys?

Yes, and I'm in terrible, terrible debt,

and by the time this goes out I might even be in prison.

Really?

Yes. I've tried Wonga and they said, "No!"

That's how bad it is.

That is embarrassing, isn't it? Being turned down by Wonga.

So you'll have to go somewhere that charges 5,000% instead?

Have you tried selling your unwanted gold?

-I haven't got any.

-Cos that's what I do.

Do you sell your unwanted gold?

Yeah, well, I watch a lot of daytime television,

not really having any friends or a job,

and they're always saying, "Send in your unwanted gold."

And I've got a surprising amount lying around my house,

just like pirate chests full of gold,

and I just send them in envelopes and they send me a cheque for fiver.

It's turned out to be a very profitable relationship.

-Rhys.

-Yes.

Why have you gone for people with personalised number plates

as your most deluded people?

Because of the fact that they cost a lot of money

and they make no sense most of the time.

For example, if I wanted a private number plate,

and I wanted to have Rhys on it, R-H-Y-S,

You can't get Rhys, you get like R-1-1-3-5.

Now, that doesn't spell Rhys.

It says R-1-1... and they charge a lot of money for it.

I looked it up today on the internet, and melons,

M-E-1-0-N-5,

-melons - £35,000.

-Wow!

Why would you want melons as a private number plate?

Well, you might have a very, very nice pair,

and I have lovely pair and that for me would be a very good choice.

Don't you think you could do something better with your money?

Yes, definitely.

Well, for £35,000, you could get a hell of a set of melons,

couldn't you?

Rhys, do you know anyone who's got a personalised number plate?

I do, actually. Oh, God!

Go on. No-one watches this show anyway.

Well, my brother, my father-in-law and my sister-in-law

have all got them. They're going to kill me now.

-So you've just come on here to slag off your family, basically?

-Yes.

What do their number plates say? Can you remember?

My brother's got one called Dino. Well, it's not Dino,

it's D-I-Z, and sort of P-2-2.

And he bought one for his wife, "Jubag", cos she's called Julie,

and it's J-U...

Oh, right, OK, sorry. We were all very shocked then!

Did you not see my face? "Really?"

Her name is Julie.

Right.

And it says "Jubag", but it's spelt J-U-6-B-Z-1.

So that doesn't work on any level.

That's the whole point.

Susan, your most deluded group of people is parents?

Yes.

Please explain yourself, immediately.

Well, when I was younger, I have a sister,

and we were both sent to dancing lessons,

because that's what you did with girls,

you sent them to be graceful dancers.

Now, my sister is very good at dancing.

I, however, had no talent, rhythm,

and essentially it was like a small heffalump running around the gym.

I was horrifically bad, but my parents,

so that I didn't get upset, used to say to me every time,

"You know what, Susan, you're a smashing wee dancer,

"you're a smashing wee dancer."

And I thought I could dance,

only to later in my life realise, when I went to a discotheque,

that I had absolutely no talent at all in the dancing area.

Do you still know any of the dance steps that you did as a child?

Well, I do know, yeah, I know some of them.

-Can I ask you to demonstrate this knowledge?

-Erm...

Can I call upon you?

OK.

Would you? No, it will help your case.

It will prove how deluded your parents were.

OK.

It would help if I had some music as well, though.

Music, OK, I'm sure we can.

Can we have some music, please?

MUSIC: "The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky

Genuinely going to do this, so first position.

But I can never do my arms right, I look like a crab.

Disco, I did disco as well, though.

You did some disco?

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, there you go. They're ready for you.

Five-star!

Very nice.

Very nice, Susan Calman!

APPLAUSE

There you go.

And that really strengthened your argument, I think.

Rhys, you have children. Would you say you're a deluded parent?

No, I'm quite realistic about things,

and I will tell them if their things are rubbish.

So if they come back with a drawing, I say, "What is that?"

It is important you let them know at an early age

that not everything they do is perfect.

It's good that you don't just slag off the older members of your family.

The younger ones get it as well.

Yeah.

Even-handed.

Mum, were you a deluded parent about me?

I think so, yes.

Oh, thanks(!)

I knew you were very good at maths. I thought you could act,

I thought you could sing, I thought you could perform,

and I thought you were good at comedy.

Thanks very much.

APPLAUSE

She's still waiting for me to settle down

with the right woman, to be honest.

OK. Will the Lucas for the most deluded group of people

go to people who trust their banks,

people with personalised number plates or parents?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

Er, yes, Sooty.

We feel the most deluded group of people, without a doubt,

are parents!

Thank you very much.

Hurray!

OK. So the winner of the Lucas for

most deluded group of people is parents.

On to our next award.

Now, we've all played that game, haven't we?

You've got a gun to your head and you have to do it

with someone you normally wouldn't get it on with.

For me, it would be Cheryl Cole. Ugh!

But what about our guests?

Who would they go for if they had to play for the other team?

It's time to hear the nominations

for the Lucas for most fanciable person of the same gender,

(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender).

Rhys?

Sean Connery.

Susan.

Daniel Craig.

And Andy.

Brad Pitt.

OK, so, Rhys, you've not gone for a man your own age,

you've gone for a silver fox, haven't you?

Always. You know, you want someone to take care of you,

someone to look after you a bit, someone a bit rugged,

and I'd like it. I kind of like him. Not James Bond.

No?

I want him round The Rock time, you know, getting on a bit.

Right, OK.

I had a dream about him once.

Really?

Absolutely true. Basically, I'm in bed with Sean Connery,

and I'm in like a train carriage.

Oh, God!

And... He's... We've both got no clothes on.

He's on the floor with his, he's... Basically, I'm mating him, right?

And the problem I've got is that I can't basically put...

what I want to do, I can't do it, and I'm embarrassed about it.

I'm trying and he's going "Oh!", you know, whatever.

Hang on a minute. Are you the Arthur or the Martha?

I'm delivering, as it were.

Right.

-You know in dreams, you know, your dad appears.

-No.

-Or someone appears, where did he come from?

-No.

My dad is sitting opposite, watching, in bed, going, "No!"

Looking embarrassed, not because he's thinking, "What are you doing?"

because he feels bad that I'm doing it wrong

and do you know what my dad said to me in this dream?

"Rhys", he's Welsh, "Rhys, let Sean do the work, he'll find it."

APPLAUSE

So you enjoyed it?

I did enjoy it, but then I felt wrong, bad about it

cos he was an older man and he's married, but...

Yeah, it was one of the best dreams I've ever had.

He was very affectionate, I must say.

That's nice.

He was very nice, he was a total gentleman.

Well, hang on. He wasn't that much of a gentleman.

He let you do it on the first date.

Have either of you two had a sort of naughty dream about a celebrity?

Not about Sean Connery, certainly. He's 82 years old.

The only reason he'll keep you up all night now

is going to the loo every hour.

Susan, you're a lady gay, so you've gone for a man.

But why the particular man, Daniel Craig?

Well, he's all manly, and it's the same qualities I look for

in a woman, which is someone who can fix a shelf for me

or, you know, if there's a brawl in a pub, he'll stand up for me.

So he can make a sledge and still cuddle me gently, like Sean.

Because I think Daniel could read me poetry when I'm in the bath,

but then smash something if I said, "Daniel, smash that for me!"

He'd go, "Oh, all right", and he would just smash it,

and then we would make beautiful love together.

Ah, but you're 4' 11", he's a fair bit taller.

Do you think that would be a problem?

No, I'd just climb up him like a squirrel.

Because I'm quite short, I've always been,

everyone I've been out with has been taller,

cos it's very difficult to find people my height, apart from...

Those three over there.

Yes.

APPLAUSE

Do you think your parents would approve if you came home

and said, "This is my new fella, Daniel Craig"?

If I came home with a fella, I think my mother would have a parade.

Right, OK.

It wouldn't matter if it was Daniel Craig or not.

It could be a guy I met in the chip shop, to be honest.

So Andy and Brad sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

I think you'd make a very nice couple.

Instead of Branjelina, you'd be Brandy, wouldn't you?

Is this a long-held fantasy of yours?

-No.

-No?

No. Pretty much came up with it for this show.

Right, OK.

And why?

Well, you know, on the grounds that he is obviously supposedly

one of the world's best-looking men,

and there must always be a chance, if you did kick around with him,

of getting a threesome with Angelina.

That was sort of the reasoning behind it.

That's a very good reason, yeah.

But there was a rumour that he's just had a facelift.

I mean, why on earth would he need a facelift?

Cos when people discuss men, don't they,

they often go, "Well, he's no Brad Pitt".

The one person who would never have to suffer that is Brad Pitt.

Well, now Brad Pitt is no Brad Pitt.

Well, that's it. He's obviously looked in the mirror, gone,

"I'm no me. I need some work doing."

So what would you do with Brad?

Would you go out on a date? Are you a romantic?

Would you go for a date, or..?

Well, I think I'd take him to a train carriage,

I'd get me dad in a bed nearby...

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

OK. So who is going to win most fanciable person of the same gender

(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender)?

Is it Sean Connery, Daniel Craig or Brad Pitt?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

We've all gone for Daniel Craig, actually, Matt.

Not only because he's fanciable,

but he looks like he could give Sweep a good thumping.

CRASH

Thank you, can I have a bit of decorum, please?

Behave yourself. Thank you very much, Soo.

So the winner of the Lucas for most fanciable person of the same gender

(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender)

is Daniel Craig!

Time for our final Lucas of the night. It's our hidden talent award.

Each week, we find out which special skills

our guests normally keep secret.

Your nominations, please. Susan.

I can name any Smurf.

Andy.

Entertaining a small child with the Makka Pakka Haka.

And Rhys.

I can identify any Queen song instantly

just by hearing a fraction of it.

OK. So, Susan, how did you come to acquire this knowledge

about the Smurfs?

Well, when I was younger, I used to get 95p pocket money a week

and my local shop sold Smurfs and they were 95p each.

And so I used to go every week and I'd buy a different Smurf,

until I had over I had about 100 Smurfs at one point.

OK, well, it's time to put specifically your Smurf knowledge

to the test. If you'd like to Smurf your way over there with me

to the bit over there.

APPLAUSE

There we go. Now we are going to find out

how many of the original Smurfs Susan can identify.

LAUGHTER

Yeah?

You all right?

We're going to find out how many of the Smurfs Susan can identify,

but to make it a little bit harder we have disguised them a little.

Your time begins now.

OK, that one is... er, is that Brainy Smurf?

Let's have a look. It is Brainy Smurf!

Congratulations!

OK, let's Smurf up the next Smurf, please.

That's Smurfette, yeah.

It is Smurfette, congratulations.

OK, this one's a little bit more difficult.

OK, erm, oh, no, is that Grumpy Smurf?

Oh, I might have that wrong.

Grumpy Smurf?

It is not Grumpy Smurf.

Who is it, then?

It's Grouchy Smurf.

Oh!

You confused a Smurf with a dwarf!

Oh, no!

Let's have a look at the next Smurf.

God. Oh! Oh, it's like it's like Handy Smurf,

it's like Workman Smurf

I can't remember his name I can't remember his name!

I can't remember his name.

Er...

What is your final answer?

Workman Smurf. It's not right, though. It's not right.

Let's have a look. It's Handy Smurf!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

OK, let's have a look at the next one, please.

Oh, that's really difficult.

Oh, Harmony Smurf, Harmony Smurf, Harmony Smurf!

Let's have a look. It is Harmony Smurf.

Well done.

OK, we have another Smurf.

That's, erm, it's the Gift Smurf, it's the Smurf with the gift.

It's, erm, Birthday Smurf. I'll just say Birthday Smurf.

But it isn't Birthday Smurf, so who is it? Don't waste your guess.

Giving Smurf. Rhys knows about that! Giving Smurf.

Let's have a look who it is. It's Jokey Smurf.

Jokey Smurf because it's a box of jokes!

Oh!

GONG

Time's up.

No more Smurfing now!

Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Smurfman.

If you would like to Smurf your way back to the Smurf over there.

You know, that was kind of pathetic.

I brought you on the show to kind of see your abilities,

and your knowledge about Smurfs. That was pathetic.

You got about half right.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

I had to tell my mum who you were.

She didn't know who you were, and I'm like,

"No, she's really good, I've seen her on all these shows."

You've come on here, you know nothing about the Smurfs.

Absolutely nothing. How do you think that makes me look?

He's right, I let everyone down. I'm really sorry about that.

And if I get the chance to come back, I'll really, really work hard.

Susan, look at me. That was bad television.

So, Andy, the Smurfs...

LAUGHTER

..are presumably are a bit too mature for you,

because your talent revolves around a pre-school TV show.

Please tell us more.

Yes. My young son is a massive fan of In The Night Garden,

and loves the character Makka Pakka.

Makka Pakka is a sort of character who has got various ring doughnuts

on his head, sings a song, does a dance,

which starts off "Makka Pakka Haka wakka micka makka moo".

Tell us about your talent, then.

Well, the dance that Makka Pakka does is very similar, in many ways,

to the dance that the All Black Rugby Team do

before rugby internationals known as the Haka.

Right.

So I thought what my lad would absolutely love would be

when New Zealand are playing England, for New Zealand to do the Haka,

and the England Team to respond with the Makka Pakka Haka.

Bound to have a fight before the game, I think.

OK, well, to stand a chance of this happening

we do need to see the Makka Pakka Haka in action.

Andy, if you'd like to make your way over there to the bit over there.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on British television,

Andy Parsons presents the Makka Pakka Haka.

APPLAUSE

Mmm...

# Makka Pakka Haka Wakka Micka Makka Moo

# Makka Pakka Appa Yakka Icka Akka Ooo

# Hum Dum Agga Pang In Gang Ooo

# Makka Pakka Haka Wakka Micka Makka Moo! #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Andy. How old is your son?

15.

And finally, Rhys, viewers of Celebrity Mastermind

will have seen you winning dressed as Freddie Mercury.

Yes.

When did you first get into Queen?

-When I was 12.

-Right.

I went to a Freddie Mercury tribute concert,

and I just came away obsessed, and from that day onwards for, like,

well, to this day, I've listened to nothing else other than Queen.

Do you do anything heterosexual?

No.

OK. Well, it's time, Rhys, to put you under pressure.

Do you see what I did there? Do you see what I did there?

If you would like to join me over there, in the bit over there.

APPLAUSE

Well, Rhys says he can instantly identify any Queen song,

so let's see if this is really true.

First up, here's a short extract from a Queen song.

Which song is it?

# Here. #

Princes Of The Universe.

Well done. Let's hear that.

# The princes of the universe. #

Now have a listen to this song.

I'm going to warn you, it has been sped up a bit.

SPED-UP MUSIC

Oh, easy, easy.

Hammer To Fall.

Let's hear.

# We're just waiting For the hammer to fall. #

Come on!

I can feel him.

You can feel him?

I can feel him inside me. Well, you know...

Oh, dear, this is getting to be a theme, isn't it?

Men with moustaches. OK, this one is backwards, here we go.

SONG PLAYS BACKWARDS

Easy. That's Fat Bottomed Girls.

Let's listen.

# Fat bottomed girls... #

Well done!

OK, we're now going to play you two at once. Here we go.

TWO SONGS PLAY AT ONCE

OK, yeah.

I think one of them is Keep Yourself Alive

and the other one is The Miracle.

Is correct. Well done!

APPLAUSE

OK, you can do two at once, but can you do three at once?

THREE SONGS PLAY AT ONCE

Oh, OK, yeah. I think it's A Kind of Magic, One Vision and Dreamers Ball.

Is the right answer, well done!

APPLAUSE

OK, I didn't think we'd get to this, but four songs at once.

Here we go.

FOUR SONGS PLAY AT ONCE

OK, yes!

Wait. So tell me all four titles?

All four titles. Save Me, Crazy Little Thing Called Love,

Flash and I'm In Love With My Car.

He can't be beaten! Rhys Thomas, ladies and gentlemen!

Well done. Make your way back to the sofa.

Well done.

I have to tell you,

we really didn't think that you would be able to do that,

-so we didn't prepare any more questions.

-Oh.

-You can't be beaten.

-Thank you very much.

Congratulations, the King of Queen, how about that?

APPLAUSE

OK, well, before we hear our verdict, I was wondering

if any of our judges have a hidden talent?

Erm, yes, well, actually, Matt, Sweep occasionally does

an excruciating impression of Pavarotti.

SWEEP SQUEAKS

-Really?

-It's horrible.

Would you be willing to do that, Sweep?

Try and stop him.

OK, so, with his impression of Pavarotti,

please give it up for Sweep!

APPLAUSE

SWEEP SQUEAKS "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Sweep!

So we've seen all the nominations for our hidden talent award,

the knowledge of the Smurfs, the Makka Pakka Haka

and instantly identifying Queen songs, but which one will win?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

On behalf of the judges, Sooty, Sweep and me

the hidden talent award goes to...

You tell him, Sooty, go on.

I can't, sorry, mate. I can't hear you.

No, I can't.

Come over here, come over here.

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Mmm, controversial.

So the winner of the hidden talent award is, of course,

Rhys Thomas, the King of Queen!

APPLAUSE

Well, that's just about it for tonight.

All we need to do is... yeah, you can go off now.

All we need to do is award this weeks Lucas...

Sooty!

SWEEP SQUEAKS

It's not funny! That's not funny.

No, that was not funny.

SWEEP SQUEAKS

Good one, Sooty!

Anyway, as I was saying, all we need to do is to award

this week's Lucas of Lucases.

That, tonight, goes to our most childish guest.

I think I know who the most childish judge might be.

But, Mum, who do you think has been our most childish guest?

Oh, dear, I don't think they're going to be too happy with me,

but sadly I think it's going to be Susan.

I'm sorry.

So the Lucas for the most childish guest goes to Susan Calman,

there you go.

Is there anything you'd like to say?

I just want to reassure you, Matt, that if I'm ever allowed back,

I'm going to try a lot harder next time, I tell you.

Next time I'll be even better.

OK, well, listen, you go home, and you have a think,

and you come back with

a bit of a better attitude next time, all right?

I'm sorry.

Well, congratulations once again to Susan Calman.

Thanks to all of my guests, of course.

Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rhys Thomas, to Sooty, Sweep and Soo,

to my mum and everyone at home for watching. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd