Christmas Show 1976 The Morecambe and Wise Show

Merry Christmas, Eric.

Merry Christmas to you too, Ern!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you. Good evening.

-Good evening.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Good evening.

-Have we got time for any more?

-Welcome to the Christmas show.

-It doesn't seem a year ago.

-Don't come to me with personal problems.

I've got problems of my own. There's a rumour that Des O'Connor has made an unbreakable LP!

-I couldn't stand that.

-There seems less of it about this year.

-Money?

No, your hair!

It's good, that. Yeah.

-I've got an idea.

-Well, treat it gently. It's in a strange place!

Oh, I'm ridiculous!

Yes, you are. That's two he's had. He's never had two before.

Come to think of it, he's never had one before. If he had, he could've been taller.

This'll fox him. Did you get my present to you for Christmas?

Yes, of course I did. You must think I'm terrible.

Good Lord! Of course I do.

If I didn't, there'd be no act.

I'd like to say thank you very much for this lovely watch.

It's absolutely beautiful.

-I've never had one that lights up in the dark.

-Not many people have.

-That one's unique.

-It also tells you the date and the day.

-Really?

Look at that - five past nine, Saturday the 25th of December.

There you are. It's close.

-All my friends are jealous.

-Ignore him for a start!

-Don't stand like that.

-You know what they tried to tell me?

That they'd seen this watch for sale in the market for £2.75!

-£2.75?

-Yes.

-For that? Ridiculous!

They've gone up!

I knew right away it was expensive. I knew that that watch was high class.

If that watch could talk, it would ignore you for a start.

-Is it luminous?

-No, it's Swiss.

Who's ever heard of a watch made in "Luminous"?

I've got a watch, it's made in Luminous!

-A quarter to one, Monday, the 14th of May.

-Yes. There you are.

-I can't stop looking at it.

-You mean the watch or something else?

-No, the watch.

-I see.

-It's absolutely fabulous.

Look at that, quarter to two, Friday, the 27th of November.

The weeks fly by, don't they?

This is wonderful. It makes my present to you look paltry.

Well, you pluck it and I'll eat it.

-I'll go get you your Christmas present.

-You've got a present?

-I've got a big surprise.

-That's your present.

-Thank you.

-They're all the rage.

-I'm sure.

-I've always wanted one of these.

-It'll give you hours of pleasure.

It already has.

-Yes...

-I thought we were lucky that they had your size in stock.

-Are we talking about the watch, this or something else now?

-We're talking about your present.

-I must say that is... It is...fabulous.

-Fabulous.

-Yes, I've always... I tell you what.

-What?

-I'll open that later.

I'll open it later. Thank you.

Now, later on...

Couldn't you open it either?

-I've had lots more Christmas presents.

-You nearly got one then.

-But not one as nice as this watch.

-No, that is nice, I must admit.

Quarter to five, Thursday, the 38th.

-Don't keep looking at it. Keep it under the sleeve cos the light can fade the diamonds.

-I see.

Shall I give it a wind?

-Are we talking about this, the watch or something else?

-The watch.

-Oh, fine.

-I'll give it a wind.

-If you've got an hour to spare.

-LOUD CLICKING

-Lovely movement.

-It is, yes.

-Beautiful.

-It's got a gorgeous tick.

-Of course it has.

ERIC MAKES TICKING SOUND

-Great. Marvellous.

-CONTINUES TICKING SOUND

-I think I'll set the alarm.

-Why not?

-Which one is the alarm?

It's, uh...

It's not that one.

-It's not that one.

-It's not that one.

-No.

-That's a spare!

-A spare? Oh, I see.

-I'll save that for you.

-Thank you.

-That was close.

-It's the loveliest present I've ever had. And I like the expanding bracelet.

-If you don't want to tell the time, you can use it as an award.

-I see.

It's got a lovely tick, though.

-MAKES TICKING SOUND

-It's all right, I'll do it.

MAKES TICKING SOUND

I must have given him the wrong one.

APPLAUSE

Morny Stannit!

Morny Stannit!

Morning Standard.

Morny Stannit!

Mor-ning Stan-dard.

Mor...ning Stannit!

-Morning...

-Morning...

-Standard.

-Stannit.

-Standard.

-Standard.

Morning Standard.

Morning Standard!

Get your Morning Standard!

Thank you.

Morning Standard!

Get your Morning Standard!

Morny Stannit!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Are you the new left back?

-Yeah.

I'm ever so excited.

I've never played football before.

I used to be over there by the rifle range.

In the girls' hockey team.

-I wouldn't mind that.

-You've got to wear a long blonde wig.

I wouldn't mind that.

And navy blue knickers.

I wouldn't mind that.

I can't wait to get started!

I wish you wouldn't do that.

You look as if you've been around a bit.

42,338 consecutive games

and I've only had the trainer on once.

And that was for a coat of varnish.

-Were you lacquered?

-Bound to be. I've played a lot.

-What happened to the fella I replaced?

-Charlie?

-Charlie, yeah.

-Charlie Crunch?

Legs fell off.

Then his arms.

Then his head.

-There can't have been much of him left.

-Not a lot.

And what there was wasn't worth looking at.

-I wouldn't fancy my head falling off.

-It'll be all right. Arthur will save it.

-Arthur?

-The Cat.

-Why do you call him The Cat?

Having him seen to tomorrow.

Looks as if he's already been seen to!

-I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

-I can't wait to get started.

-Oh, he's here again.

-Who?

The spotty-faced kid with the ice cream cornet.

-Haven't you heard about him?

-No.

-Here, I'll tell you. Come here.

Go back, he's listening.

-He cheats.

-How does he cheat?

-He uses a bent penny.

-What happens?

When the ball comes out, I've got to kick it like that.

Spotty-faced kid.

Look out, the game's started!

We're one down now!

We've started again.

Ugh!

Get it, Arthur! Arthur, get the ball! Dive!

We're two down now!

-Our forwards have got the ball!

-We've got no chance then.

-Charlie's got the ball.

-He hasn't scored for 40 years!

-Charlie's scored!

-I said he would!

Well done, Charlie! Great goal, that. He'll never score again.

-Why not?

-His head's fallen off!

Great goal, that, Charlie. Great goal.

-Oh, he's back again.

-Who?

-That kid with the ice cream cornet.

-If I was out there, I'd shove that ice cream cornet up your nose!

-Leave him alone. I like him.

APPLAUSE

Good evening. The pound lost heavily today against the dollar.

The pound is now worth nothing. This is Ernie Wise, News At Ten, speaking to you from Switzerland.

GENTLE INTRO

# Parting in your hair, it's hardly ever there

# Wash your face, shabby in your dress

# Always look a mess Don't you care?

# Mummy's there to see you always look your best

# Change your dirty vest

# And when you grow, you'll be a king

# Never do a thing

# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

# Royal gifts they all will bring

# When you are a king

# Everywhere you go

# People bowing low

# Carriages to take you anywhere

# Feet won't ever touch a thing

# When you are a ki-i-ing...

# Torn your shirt again

# Fighting in the rain with what's-his-name

# Shoe black on your face, you're really a disgrace

# Mummy smiles and all the while

# Because she loves you she will worry so

# And if you're good, you know that when you grow, you'll be a king

# Never do a thing

# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

# Royal gifts they all will bring

# When you are a king

# Everywhere you go

# People bowing low

# Carriages to take you anywhere

# Feet won't ever touch a thing

# When you are a ki-i-ing

# When you are a king

# Never do a thing

# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

# Royal gifts they all will bring

# When you are a king

# Everywhere you go

# People bowing low

# Carriages to take you anywhere

# Feet won't ever touch a thing

# When you are a ki-i-ing... #

APPLAUSE

I'd like to thank all my fans who sent me letters saying I was best.

-And now it's my pleasure to...

-I didn't hear all that waffle.

-It doesn't matter.

-No.

-What's the time?

-Half past four, Thursday.

-There you are.

-How many days are there in December?

-What does the watch say?

-62.

-Double Summer Time.

-Open the curtains.

-Have you got a surprise?

-We'll do something for the old folks.

-That's not a surprise.

-We'll do the old soft shoe.

-Good idea.

-Who's gonna play?

-Send on the pianist, please.

-Let's have you.

APPLAUSE

-Are you the pianist?

-Yes.

Well, you're late.

No, you're not. You're early.

-I'm Mr Wise and this is Mr Morecambe.

-You can call me Mr Morecambe or Mr Wise.

As long as you don't call me Michael Burney. Even they don't call me Michael Burney any more.

-What's your name?

-Elton John.

-Eh?

-Elton John.

-Elton?

-Yeah.

Elton?!

Sounds like an exit on the motorway!

That's a ridiculous name.

-Oh, dearie me!

-I see you brought on the old jungle box. Gonna tickle the old ebonies?

Yeah, but these lighting trees and the monitor here, they're so naff.

Is he English?

I'll try and find out.

When, uh, son...

When we... When we get to the middle eight,

in the middle we'll start to sway a bit.

It's a swing and sway. Then it's the rebop and the boogie.

But we don't want too much with the left hand, too much of the "hunga-changa, hunga-changa".

I get depressed when I hear that.

-Beat Me Daddy, Eight To The Bar?

-All the modern stuff.

-Give Me Some Skin?

-You were the first with the spats.

-Yes, I was.

I mean, Subbuteo started with him.

# Oh, what are you doing tonight? #

Ignore that. It doesn't work.

SINGS TO HIMSELF

He has to do it like that - keep the watch moving.

-OK, we'll do the old soft shoe, right?

-All right?

ERIC AND ERNIE: A one, two, a one, two, three, four...

-What about the bread?

-Eh?

-The bread.

-The bread?

-You've brought sandwiches, have you?

-Do you want sandwiches?

-No.

-Flask of coffee?

-He's picnic-orientated. It's the way he walks!

-No, no, the money.

-That's got nothing to do with me. He does all the business. Nothing to do with...

-Money, eh?

-Hmm.

-Well, if you can do the job, you can have any money you like. How much do you want?

10, 20, 50? A pound?

-How, uh... How much do you normally get?

-About £5 an hour.

That's more than what we get.

-Well, we only want ten minutes. How can we get ten minutes?

-Here's a calculator. Work it out.

-OK.

-What's it say?

-"25p, Thursday."

I got it the same place I got the watch, you see.

-Can you play Give Me That Old Soft Shoe?

-I'll try. I don't think any music will come out.

-TAPS IN RHYTHM

-Oh, yes.

-APPLAUSE

-No, I meant...

-I meant the pianist man.

-Oh, him?

-Yeah.

-Elton!

-We'll give you four in, OK?

One, two, three, four.

Do you want this blues, reggae or funky?

Can he say "funky"?

No, "funky"!

You were close.

The studio manager's looking it up.

It's a gift he has.

-We'll do it "reggie".

-We'll do it the "reggie". Two, three...

-I tell you what.

-Has the leg gone?

-We're not getting anywhere.

-Just go straight into the dance, Melody In F.

-All great variety acts finish on that.

-We start slowly and build up to a high speed.

-Get the fingers going.

-STARTS PLAYING FAST TEMPO

That's it.

Go off!

-LOUD SNAP

-It's fabulous, that.

APPLAUSE

-So we'll do that then, eh?

-No.

-We won't do the dance.

-You fell off the stage again?

-I fell off the end. Short, fat, hairy legs.

-Yes.

-We'll do something else. We'll do the counter-melody.

-Good one.

# Won't you play a simple melody? #

-Yeah, my mother's favourite. If she was out there, there'd be tears in her eyes.

-Why?

-She can't stand me.

-This is the novel idea. You sing...

# Won't you play a simple melody? #

-I sing that.

-And I sing...

# Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin', won't you play me some rag? #

-You start.

-Don't you know the other one?

-Yes, I know them both.

-He knows them both.

-You're gonna start with the melody and I'll do the counter-melody.

-I start?

-Yeah.

# Won't... Won't... #

Just a moment.

-HIGH VOICE:

-# Won't...

-# Won't... #

-PLAYS HIGH NOTES

-That's good.

# Won't you play a simple...

BOTH: # Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin'... #

Hold it, son, hold it.

-You sing...

-# Won't you play a simple...

# Musical demon, set your honey... #

-No, no.

-Hold it, son. You're starting to annoy me.

# Won't you play a simple...

-# Musical demon... #

-Hold it, son.

"Won't you play a simple...

"Won't you... Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home?"

Hold it. Hold it. Can I make a suggestion?

-Yes.

-Ah, good.

-Come round, Hilton.

-What Mr Wise was trying to tell you...

-Who?

-Mr Wise.

-"Mr Wise." He respects me.

-Mr Wise...

-It's age.

You sing your first bit which is "Won't..." Right?

And you keep going and let him carry the counter-melody. You're singing his bit at the moment.

-So we'll go through it and you just sing your bit. Got it?

-Yeah.

So, here we go. Right?

ERIC AND ELTON: # Wont you play a simple...

-ERIC AND ERNIE: # Musical demon... #

-No!

Hold it, son, hold it.

It's not very difficult. All you have to do is keep to your own bit.

-Keep to my own bit?

-Yeah. Ignore him.

-Ignore me - Mr Wise.

Here we go, right?

ERIC AND ELTON: # Won't you play a simple...

-ERIC AND ERNIE: # Musical demon... #

-No!

APPLAUSE

What I'm telling you is it's...

# Won't you play a simple melody? #

And not... # Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin'... #

I'm not used to working under these circumstances.

You've upset him now.

I'm sorry you came.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

And now I would like to present to you Singin' In The Rain.

-What are you doing?

-My Singin' In The Rain.

-Gene Kelly did that well.

I'm going to do it just that little bit better.

Oh, well, I would have said that. You're so much younger than him.

-I'm gonna do Singin' In The Rain.

-Fine. I'm all for it. Great idea.

What do I do in Singin' In The Rain? What do I do?

You're not in it.

-Eh?

-You're not in it.

It's just me.

AUDIENCE: "Aw!"

So get off. Go on, get off.

AUDIENCE: "Aw!"

-I should be in it, Ern.

-Why should you be in it?

-I'm half a star.

-Don't try and get sympathy.

-I don't want any sympathy from you. I want no sympathy from you.

All right! Come back here.

Oh, it's that one.

-I'll do them both.

-I can't be that cruel. I'll find a part for you.

-But keep out of my way.

-Yes. What part?

-If you remember the scene in the film, you play the policeman.

All right?

Yes.

-You play...

-Good evening.

-You play...

-I play the part of the policeman.

-An American policeman.

-I'll walk with an American accent.

-Ladies and gentlemen, tonight presenting Singin' In The Rain as performed by Little Ern.

-This way!

APPLAUSE

INTRO TO "Singin' In The Rain"

# I'm singin' in the rain

# Just singin' in the rain

# What a glorious feeling

# I'm happy again

# I'm laughing at clouds

# So dark up above

# The sun's in my heart

# And I'm ready for love

# Let the stormy clouds chase

# Everyone from the place

# Come on with the rain

# I've got a smile on my face

# I'll walk down the lane

# With a happy refrain

# I'm singin'

# Just singin' in the rain...

# I'm dancin' in the rain

# Da-da-da, da-da-da

# Ya-da-da, da-da-dee

# I'm happy again

# I'm singin' in the rain

# Just dancin' in the rain

# Just singin'

# And dancin' in the rain... #

I'm wet through. Look at what you've done. I'm wet through!

-# Singin' and dancin' in the rain... #

-I'm wet through. It's not nice. I'm wet through, folks.

# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain... #

APPLAUSE

-Come on!

-Shut up!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

-It's a great...

-Excuse me.

-I love the jacket. Is that real gold?

Yeah. I've come to apologise about my behaviour earlier on.

-Don't worry about it.

-I shouldn't have lost my temper.

-Just keep out of his way, OK?

-I don't think Derek likes me very much.

-No, don't take any notice of that.

He likes you, but just keep out of his way.

I tell you what. I would really love to work with you.

Doesn't everybody?

I know. But we're a team. I couldn't possibly split up at this late stage. Impossible.

I would be willing to work for nothing just for the experience.

-Never mind about the experience. For nothing?

-For nothing.

-Nil?

-Absolutely nothing.

-Well, you do look a bit like him.

-And much younger.

-Oh, yeah.

-And in better condition.

-Absolutely.

Erm... I tell you what. Can you do this? Look.

-Can you do that?

-Oh, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Well, it's a start. And then there's this. This is a good one.

-# Bring me sunshine...

-Bring me sunshine... #

You've got a spring in the step!

And the other one is where he's got his arm like that and he puts it behind the curtain.

-Try that.

-That one?

-Go on, try it.

Just once more, that's all. Once more!

APPLAUSE

JAZZ INTRO

# I was born on a farm out in Ioway

# A flaming youth, I was bound I would fly away

# I packed my grip, I grabbed my saxophone

# Can't read notes, but I play anything by ear

# I made up tunes on the sounds that I used to hear

# When I start to play, folks used to say

# Sounds a little goofus to me

# Corn-fed chords appeal to me

# I like rustic harmony

# Hold the note and change the key

# That's called goofus

# Not according to the rules

# That you learn at music schools

# But the folks just dance like fools

# They love goofus

# Got a job but I just couldn't keep it long

# The leader said I played all the music wrong

# So I stepped out with an outfit of my own

# Got together a new kind of orchestry

# We all played just the same goofus harmony

# And I must admit, we made a hit

# Goofus has been lucky for me

# Goofus has been lucky for me... #

SAXOPHONE INSTRUMENTAL

# Got together a new kind of orchestry

# And we all played just the same goofus harmony

# And I must admit, we made a hit

# Goofus has been lucky for me

# Goofus has been lucky for me

# Goofus has been lucky-y-y-y-y-y

# For me! #

APPLAUSE

Hello. It's July and the cricket season is with us once more.

-There's nothing nicer than the lovely weather that you get...

-Have you got rid of him?

-Who?

-The comic.

No, he seems to be hiding. I don't know what's happened to him. I've not seen him.

Is that him there?

LOUD THUMP

-APPLAUSE

-I tell you what...

Ernie, Ernie... Could you help me with my boot?

-I tell you what.

-What?

-You're vicious doing things like that.

It's not very nice.

Oh, God!

-A hell of a mess back there.

-Is there?

-Have a look at that on your way down.

-Who's that?

-Bobby Crushed.

I could use one of those. It'd suit me fine. It's got "E" on it as well. Thanks very much.

Psst, psst!

APPLAUSE

SLOW INTRO

# What have I got to do to make you love me?

# What have I got to do to make you care?

# What do I do when lightning strikes me

# And I wake to find that you're not there?

# What do I do to make you want me?

# What have I got to do to be heard?

# What do I say when it's all over

# And sorry seems to be the hardest word?

# And it's sad, so sad

# Oh, it's a sad, sad situation

# And it's getting more and more absurd

# It's sad, so sad

# Why can't we talk it over?

# Oh, it seems to me

# That sorry seems to be the hardest word

# Ooh, it's sad, so sad

# Oh, it's a sad, sad situation

# And it's getting more and more absurd

# It's sad, so sad

# Why can't we talk it over?

# Oh, it seems to me

# That sorry seems to be the hardest word

# What do I do to make you love me?

# What have I got to do to be heard?

# What do I do when lightning strikes me?

# What have I got to do?

# What have I got to do-o

# When sorry seems to be the hardest word?

# Oo-oo-ooh, yeah

# Let me tell you

# Sorry seems to be the hardest word. #

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

MUSIC: "LA MARSEILLAISE"

APPLAUSE

KNOCKING

Who is it?

-It's me, guv'nor!

-APPLAUSE

-Having breakfast?

-Nah, I'm not having breakfast. I'm having lunch.

That was me breakfast.

-Fancy a bite to eat?

-Yeah. Thanks. I thought you'd never ask.

I've got those two volunteers.

Good. Everything depends on this false information getting into enemy hands. Do they fit the bill?

-They're expendable.

-That's exactly what I mean.

-Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?

-Well...

-Do they know they won't come back alive?

-I got you two volunteers.

-They say there's one in every regiment.

-There's two in ours.

-Let's have them in.

All right, you two! At the double! Left, right! Left, right!

APPLAUSE

-Sir!

-Yes, well...

-You both know why you're here.

-Oh, yes.

-This job isn't much fun.

As Kitchener said to the sentry.

For tattooed on his chest through a hole in his vest A sign said, "Caution, no entry!"

-We took the King's shilling, we're ready and willing.

-As Jellico said to the Kaiser.

-A dangerous job.

-Pay's 30 bob.

-Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.

Sir! It's a great pleasure to be serving under an officer who's as brave as what you are.

-And I like you best in The Sweeney.

-All right!

-We're in, chum!

-Now you know what you gotta do?

-Oh, yes. You tell us where the piano is and we'll move it.

-Piano?

-Sir!

-We volunteered to move the piano.

-The piano that these gentlemen volunteered to move.

-I didn't tell 'em the real thing.

-Oh, the piano, yes.

-And what else as well?

-First they've got to take the communique.

First, take the communique to get permission to move the piano.

-Oh, yes.

-This is a map...

-Are you sure?

-Now you'll make your way along here.

-Doing an act on your own?

-Now, listen. To this hill here. The enemy have occupied the summit.

-The summit.

Then you go down through this gully, up here, and your destination is this hillock here.

There must be another way of looking at this. What do you think?

APPLAUSE

Who's come on? Is it possible to volunteer for something dangerous around Arras?

BOTH: Mother!

I can't believe it. May I say, sir...

-Big Bertha.

-Have I seen you in the back of a car?

-Inside this envelope...

-Is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year,

which I will read out in reverse order. Porter, Dawn, Nyree!

-Synchronise your watches. A quarter to six.

-A quarter to six.

-Quarter to six.

-Ten past eleven.

-Ten past eleven?

-Ten past eleven.

-Ten past eleven.

-Quarter to six.

-On your bike!

-Sorry, sir!

-Left, right! Left, right!

-Hold up.

-What?

-Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.

-I like him the best.

-Are you still there?

Well, we're away. A great pleasure working with you. I don't care what they say.

I've always admired you. You're a nice fella.

PSSHT!

I've got a great gag for you later. "Ruggish!" It could be.

We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis. Never.

The map! Get out the map!

Yeah. Yeah, OK, good.

Things are looking up. They should be 12 miles behind enemy lines.

Where are we?

A-oow!

MUSIC: "DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES"

-Send zem in!

-Jawohl!

APPLAUSE

-Achtung!

-Volkswagen!

Sorry about your arm.

-So...

-Oh!

So...

-Ze British pigs...

-That's not nice!

-Quiet!

That's better. Have you got a brother on our side?

-Ohh! I tell you what, Ern.

-What?

-You'll enjoy this.

-Will I?

-It's fun, fun, fun!

-Quiet!

He is known as Hans Everywhere.

Now, my little Englander.

-Mein Herr.

-It's not slipped again, has it? No, it's fine.

-Quiet!

-Ve have some plans for you, gentlemen.

-Oh, have you?

Ve have two methods of extracting information, which I shall call vun und two.

Very good, sir. Vun and two. I'll try to remember.

-Have either of you got a coin?

-Got a coin?

-I'll look in my wallet.

-You're very privileged to see this.

-Jawohl?

-Usually in a vault, yes.

DIAL SPINS

By the time he gets in, you know, the pound has gone down again.

CREAKING

That was just his thumb.

Just.

No, no coins, sir. No coins.

-So...

-So?

It's the So Show!

-You...

-I've got one, too!

-You vill be taken from here...

-Taken from here.

..und haf your pound notes pulled out, one by one.

-Oh!

-That'll be fun!

Oh, please, not that! Please, Mr German! Have mercy on me.

I'm only little. I was always good to my mother - I never went home.

They were cruel to me at school. Beefy Miller - she was vicious!

I'm only little and I want me mam.

-Hey, you're right! It's good.

-I told you.

-Oh, boy!

Doesn't half help your loose change.

Well... Whatcha gonna do now, TC?

-Und now...

-Yes?

-..for you.

-For me?

-With you ve vill try method number two.

-Oh!

You're going to experience the beautiful Mata Hari.

-Any of this business?

-No.

-Just for laughs.

-Don't go there.

No, I won't. I like you better in The Sveeney.

The Sveeney!

PSSHT!

Wai-yah!

A great sense of humour - that's all he lacks.

Hold it!

ENGINE REVS

Mata Hari's Visitors Book.

Must be the fixture list.

I didn't know he did. I didn't know HE could.

"By hook or by crook, I'll be last in this book." George Bernard Shaw.

"Aye aye, that's your lot." Oscar Wilde.

There's a turn-up.

# Falling in love again

# Never wanted to...

BOTH: # What am I to do?

# I can't help IT! #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

a selection from The Desert Song.

By Sheikh Yourmoney.

Ern, that's the most fabulous disguise you've ever worn.

You had me going for a second. Not for long, just a second.

-But I am not Ern!

-You're not Ern?

-I am Kate O'Mata Hari, ze beautiful German spy.

I am Eric O'Morecambe and Heysham, the ugly English comic.

-My card.

-It's bent.

-Lucky for you, I'm not.

Haven't I seen you on Parkinson?

-Vot is zis Parkinson?

-They're all saying that!

-Come over here.

-I'm already over here.

I'll come over there.

-And you come over here.

-You are a very handsome man.

I know.

With all zese medals, you must also be a very brave man.

-That is true.

-Vot is zis one?

-DSM.

-DSM?

-Don't Spend Much.

-And zis one?

-MM.

-MM?

-My Mother's.

-And him?

-That one, beyond the call of duty.

I actually finished a meal in a restaurant on the motorway.

-APPLAUSE

-Perfectly true.

-But vere did you get zis one?

-I got that on the front.

And that one on the back.

Empire, Swansea, 1922.

Working late?

You must be ze one.

So I'm told.

Vy don't we, um...?

You mean...?

Yes. And then ve could...

But only if there's...

..time.

Are you going?

-The last agent ze British sent was putty in my hands.

-I know him well.

His windows fell out last week.

-You know vot I want from you.

-Keep still while she's working!

-You know vot I want!

-I know what you want, young sir.

But the only thing you'll get is my rank, name and number.

Which is Harpenden 4463. And it's cheaper after six o'clock.

Then again, aren't we all?

-Do you not realise this is where they store ze ammunition?

-You mean this is the...? Ahem!

-Arsenal!

APPLAUSE

-You know what I'm after, don't you?

-Four pints, please.

I am prepared to do...anything to get what I want.

And I am prepared...to let you.

I thought you might be.

Tell me about your British positions.

Centre forward and the goalkeeper.

And, since Don Revie's taken over, 28 left backs.

APPLAUSE

-Vot would you say to a little drink?

-Hello, little drink.

Ah!

Porter, Dawn, Nyree!

White, Hyde, Wilfred!

-Is that ze code?

-If you want.

-A-ha.

-How about some schnapps?

-I'll look at your holiday pictures later.

Vould you like a drink?

I'll think about it.

-If you're tired, I'll come back tomorrow.

-I am all in.

Not from here you're not.

-Come to me? Kiss me gemutlich!

-If I knew what it was, I would!

-Won't you kiss me?

-You don't seem to understand.

-I want you!

I'm wearing my appliance!

Take cover! Take cover!

Out! Get him out of here!

No! He's wonderful! I vant him!

I vant him!

Zis I must see.

ENGINE REVS

VOLLEY OF SHOTS

APPLAUSE

A report on the economy has just come from Number 11 Downing Street.

The Chancellor's statement reads:

"There may be trouble ahead, but while there's moonlight and music

"and love and romance..."

# Let's face the music and dance!

# You were meant for me

# I was meant for you

# Nature fashioned you and when she was done

# You were all the sweet things rolled into one

# A plaintive melody...

# Aaaaah!

# That will not set me free

# I contend

# The angels must have sent you

# And they made you just for...

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

-# C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

-# F...

-You're a feather in my hat

-# G...

-You look good to me A...

-You're adorable

-# B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

-# But what are we gonna do about him?

-Who, me?

-Yes!

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

-# C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# J...

-You're like Jack and Jill

-K...

-You're so kissable

-# A...

-You're adorable

-C...

-It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

# But what are we gonna do about him? #

One, two, a-one, two, three, four!

RUMBA MUSIC

MUSIC: "TEQUILA"

PEANUTS!

MUSIC: "THE PEANUT VENDOR"

-Are you all right?

-Eh?

-# You're adorable

-# B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

-# But what are we gonna do about him?

-Two, three, four!

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# W...

-It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

# But what are we gonna do about him? #

# When you feel down, try positive thinking

# That's what I'm told the man said

# Don't wear a frown, try positive thinking

# Laugh at your troubles instead

# You've got to look on the bright side, on hope so much depends

# With your confidence sinking, positive thinking

# Helps you on the way, my friend

# When things look black, try positive thinking

# Treat every season as spring

# No glancing back, try positive thinking

# Trust what tomorrow may bring

# This crazy world what we live in will keep on spinning round

# And with good, strong positive thinking

# Good, strong positive thinking

# Good, strong positive drinking

-# We'll get together and life won't let us...

-DOWN!

# ..down! #

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