Christmas Show 1976 The Morecambe and Wise Show


Christmas Show 1976

Classic quintessential seasonal viewing from one of the best British comedy duos.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Merry Christmas, Eric.

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Merry Christmas to you too, Ern!

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APPLAUSE

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-Thank you. Good evening.

-Good evening.

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-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Good evening.

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-Have we got time for any more?

-Welcome to the Christmas show.

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-It doesn't seem a year ago.

-Don't come to me with personal problems.

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I've got problems of my own. There's a rumour that Des O'Connor has made an unbreakable LP!

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-I couldn't stand that.

-There seems less of it about this year.

-Money?

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No, your hair!

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It's good, that. Yeah.

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-I've got an idea.

-Well, treat it gently. It's in a strange place!

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Oh, I'm ridiculous!

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Yes, you are. That's two he's had. He's never had two before.

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Come to think of it, he's never had one before. If he had, he could've been taller.

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This'll fox him. Did you get my present to you for Christmas?

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Yes, of course I did. You must think I'm terrible.

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Good Lord! Of course I do.

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If I didn't, there'd be no act.

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I'd like to say thank you very much for this lovely watch.

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It's absolutely beautiful.

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-I've never had one that lights up in the dark.

-Not many people have.

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-That one's unique.

-It also tells you the date and the day.

-Really?

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Look at that - five past nine, Saturday the 25th of December.

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There you are. It's close.

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-All my friends are jealous.

-Ignore him for a start!

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-Don't stand like that.

-You know what they tried to tell me?

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That they'd seen this watch for sale in the market for £2.75!

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-£2.75?

-Yes.

-For that? Ridiculous!

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They've gone up!

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I knew right away it was expensive. I knew that that watch was high class.

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If that watch could talk, it would ignore you for a start.

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-Is it luminous?

-No, it's Swiss.

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Who's ever heard of a watch made in "Luminous"?

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I've got a watch, it's made in Luminous!

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-A quarter to one, Monday, the 14th of May.

-Yes. There you are.

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-I can't stop looking at it.

-You mean the watch or something else?

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-No, the watch.

-I see.

-It's absolutely fabulous.

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Look at that, quarter to two, Friday, the 27th of November.

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The weeks fly by, don't they?

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This is wonderful. It makes my present to you look paltry.

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Well, you pluck it and I'll eat it.

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-I'll go get you your Christmas present.

-You've got a present?

-I've got a big surprise.

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-That's your present.

-Thank you.

-They're all the rage.

-I'm sure.

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-I've always wanted one of these.

-It'll give you hours of pleasure.

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It already has.

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-Yes...

-I thought we were lucky that they had your size in stock.

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-Are we talking about the watch, this or something else now?

-We're talking about your present.

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-I must say that is... It is...fabulous.

-Fabulous.

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-Yes, I've always... I tell you what.

-What?

-I'll open that later.

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I'll open it later. Thank you.

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Now, later on...

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Couldn't you open it either?

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-I've had lots more Christmas presents.

-You nearly got one then.

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-But not one as nice as this watch.

-No, that is nice, I must admit.

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Quarter to five, Thursday, the 38th.

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-Don't keep looking at it. Keep it under the sleeve cos the light can fade the diamonds.

-I see.

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Shall I give it a wind?

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-Are we talking about this, the watch or something else?

-The watch.

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-Oh, fine.

-I'll give it a wind.

-If you've got an hour to spare.

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-LOUD CLICKING

-Lovely movement.

-It is, yes.

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-Beautiful.

-It's got a gorgeous tick.

-Of course it has.

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ERIC MAKES TICKING SOUND

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-Great. Marvellous.

-CONTINUES TICKING SOUND

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-I think I'll set the alarm.

-Why not?

-Which one is the alarm?

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It's, uh...

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It's not that one.

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-It's not that one.

-It's not that one.

-No.

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-That's a spare!

-A spare? Oh, I see.

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-I'll save that for you.

-Thank you.

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-That was close.

-It's the loveliest present I've ever had. And I like the expanding bracelet.

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-If you don't want to tell the time, you can use it as an award.

-I see.

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It's got a lovely tick, though.

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-MAKES TICKING SOUND

-It's all right, I'll do it.

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MAKES TICKING SOUND

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I must have given him the wrong one.

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APPLAUSE

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Morny Stannit!

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Morny Stannit!

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Morning Standard.

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Morny Stannit!

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Mor-ning Stan-dard.

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Mor...ning Stannit!

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-Morning...

-Morning...

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-Standard.

-Stannit.

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-Standard.

-Standard.

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Morning Standard.

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Morning Standard!

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Get your Morning Standard!

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Thank you.

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Morning Standard!

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Get your Morning Standard!

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Morny Stannit!

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Are you the new left back?

-Yeah.

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I'm ever so excited.

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I've never played football before.

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I used to be over there by the rifle range.

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In the girls' hockey team.

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-I wouldn't mind that.

-You've got to wear a long blonde wig.

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I wouldn't mind that.

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And navy blue knickers.

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I wouldn't mind that.

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I can't wait to get started!

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I wish you wouldn't do that.

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You look as if you've been around a bit.

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42,338 consecutive games

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and I've only had the trainer on once.

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And that was for a coat of varnish.

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-Were you lacquered?

-Bound to be. I've played a lot.

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-What happened to the fella I replaced?

-Charlie?

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-Charlie, yeah.

-Charlie Crunch?

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Legs fell off.

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Then his arms.

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Then his head.

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-There can't have been much of him left.

-Not a lot.

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And what there was wasn't worth looking at.

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-I wouldn't fancy my head falling off.

-It'll be all right. Arthur will save it.

-Arthur?

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-The Cat.

-Why do you call him The Cat?

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Having him seen to tomorrow.

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Looks as if he's already been seen to!

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-I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

-I can't wait to get started.

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-Oh, he's here again.

-Who?

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The spotty-faced kid with the ice cream cornet.

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-Haven't you heard about him?

-No.

-Here, I'll tell you. Come here.

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Go back, he's listening.

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-He cheats.

-How does he cheat?

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-He uses a bent penny.

-What happens?

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When the ball comes out, I've got to kick it like that.

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Spotty-faced kid.

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Look out, the game's started!

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We're one down now!

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We've started again.

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Ugh!

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Get it, Arthur! Arthur, get the ball! Dive!

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We're two down now!

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-Our forwards have got the ball!

-We've got no chance then.

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-Charlie's got the ball.

-He hasn't scored for 40 years!

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-Charlie's scored!

-I said he would!

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Well done, Charlie! Great goal, that. He'll never score again.

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-Why not?

-His head's fallen off!

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Great goal, that, Charlie. Great goal.

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-Oh, he's back again.

-Who?

-That kid with the ice cream cornet.

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-If I was out there, I'd shove that ice cream cornet up your nose!

-Leave him alone. I like him.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. The pound lost heavily today against the dollar.

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The pound is now worth nothing. This is Ernie Wise, News At Ten, speaking to you from Switzerland.

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GENTLE INTRO

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# Parting in your hair, it's hardly ever there

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# Wash your face, shabby in your dress

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# Always look a mess Don't you care?

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# Mummy's there to see you always look your best

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# Change your dirty vest

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# And when you grow, you'll be a king

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# Never do a thing

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# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

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# Royal gifts they all will bring

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# When you are a king

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# Everywhere you go

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# People bowing low

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# Carriages to take you anywhere

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# Feet won't ever touch a thing

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# When you are a ki-i-ing...

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# Torn your shirt again

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# Fighting in the rain with what's-his-name

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# Shoe black on your face, you're really a disgrace

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# Mummy smiles and all the while

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# Because she loves you she will worry so

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# And if you're good, you know that when you grow, you'll be a king

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# Never do a thing

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# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

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# Royal gifts they all will bring

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# When you are a king

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# Everywhere you go

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# People bowing low

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# Carriages to take you anywhere

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# Feet won't ever touch a thing

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# When you are a ki-i-ing

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# When you are a king

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# Never do a thing

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# Four and twenty blackbirds sing along

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# Royal gifts they all will bring

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# When you are a king

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# Everywhere you go

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# People bowing low

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# Carriages to take you anywhere

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# Feet won't ever touch a thing

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# When you are a ki-i-ing... #

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APPLAUSE

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I'd like to thank all my fans who sent me letters saying I was best.

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-And now it's my pleasure to...

-I didn't hear all that waffle.

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-It doesn't matter.

-No.

-What's the time?

-Half past four, Thursday.

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-There you are.

-How many days are there in December?

-What does the watch say?

-62.

-Double Summer Time.

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-Open the curtains.

-Have you got a surprise?

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-We'll do something for the old folks.

-That's not a surprise.

-We'll do the old soft shoe.

-Good idea.

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-Who's gonna play?

-Send on the pianist, please.

-Let's have you.

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APPLAUSE

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-Are you the pianist?

-Yes.

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Well, you're late.

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No, you're not. You're early.

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-I'm Mr Wise and this is Mr Morecambe.

-You can call me Mr Morecambe or Mr Wise.

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As long as you don't call me Michael Burney. Even they don't call me Michael Burney any more.

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-What's your name?

-Elton John.

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-Eh?

-Elton John.

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-Elton?

-Yeah.

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Elton?!

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Sounds like an exit on the motorway!

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That's a ridiculous name.

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-Oh, dearie me!

-I see you brought on the old jungle box. Gonna tickle the old ebonies?

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Yeah, but these lighting trees and the monitor here, they're so naff.

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Is he English?

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I'll try and find out.

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When, uh, son...

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When we... When we get to the middle eight,

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in the middle we'll start to sway a bit.

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It's a swing and sway. Then it's the rebop and the boogie.

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But we don't want too much with the left hand, too much of the "hunga-changa, hunga-changa".

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I get depressed when I hear that.

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-Beat Me Daddy, Eight To The Bar?

-All the modern stuff.

-Give Me Some Skin?

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-You were the first with the spats.

-Yes, I was.

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I mean, Subbuteo started with him.

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# Oh, what are you doing tonight? #

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Ignore that. It doesn't work.

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SINGS TO HIMSELF

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He has to do it like that - keep the watch moving.

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-OK, we'll do the old soft shoe, right?

-All right?

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ERIC AND ERNIE: A one, two, a one, two, three, four...

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-What about the bread?

-Eh?

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-The bread.

-The bread?

-You've brought sandwiches, have you?

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-Do you want sandwiches?

-No.

-Flask of coffee?

-He's picnic-orientated. It's the way he walks!

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-No, no, the money.

-That's got nothing to do with me. He does all the business. Nothing to do with...

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-Money, eh?

-Hmm.

-Well, if you can do the job, you can have any money you like. How much do you want?

0:17:120:17:20

10, 20, 50? A pound?

0:17:200:17:22

-How, uh... How much do you normally get?

-About £5 an hour.

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That's more than what we get.

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-Well, we only want ten minutes. How can we get ten minutes?

-Here's a calculator. Work it out.

-OK.

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-What's it say?

-"25p, Thursday."

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I got it the same place I got the watch, you see.

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-Can you play Give Me That Old Soft Shoe?

-I'll try. I don't think any music will come out.

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-TAPS IN RHYTHM

-Oh, yes.

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-APPLAUSE

-No, I meant...

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-I meant the pianist man.

-Oh, him?

-Yeah.

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-Elton!

-We'll give you four in, OK?

0:18:100:18:12

One, two, three, four.

0:18:140:18:17

Do you want this blues, reggae or funky?

0:18:170:18:22

Can he say "funky"?

0:18:300:18:32

No, "funky"!

0:18:330:18:36

You were close.

0:18:370:18:39

The studio manager's looking it up.

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It's a gift he has.

0:18:440:18:46

-We'll do it "reggie".

-We'll do it the "reggie". Two, three...

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-I tell you what.

-Has the leg gone?

-We're not getting anywhere.

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-Just go straight into the dance, Melody In F.

-All great variety acts finish on that.

0:18:560:19:03

-We start slowly and build up to a high speed.

-Get the fingers going.

-STARTS PLAYING FAST TEMPO

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That's it.

0:19:100:19:12

Go off!

0:19:120:19:15

-LOUD SNAP

-It's fabulous, that.

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APPLAUSE

0:19:190:19:22

-So we'll do that then, eh?

-No.

0:19:260:19:29

-We won't do the dance.

-You fell off the stage again?

-I fell off the end. Short, fat, hairy legs.

-Yes.

0:19:290:19:36

-We'll do something else. We'll do the counter-melody.

-Good one.

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# Won't you play a simple melody? #

0:19:410:19:43

-Yeah, my mother's favourite. If she was out there, there'd be tears in her eyes.

-Why?

0:19:430:19:50

-She can't stand me.

-This is the novel idea. You sing...

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# Won't you play a simple melody? #

0:19:540:19:58

-I sing that.

-And I sing...

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# Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin', won't you play me some rag? #

0:20:010:20:06

-You start.

-Don't you know the other one?

-Yes, I know them both.

0:20:060:20:12

-He knows them both.

-You're gonna start with the melody and I'll do the counter-melody.

-I start?

-Yeah.

0:20:120:20:19

# Won't... Won't... #

0:20:190:20:21

Just a moment.

0:20:210:20:24

-HIGH VOICE:

-# Won't...

0:20:240:20:27

-# Won't... #

-PLAYS HIGH NOTES

-That's good.

0:20:270:20:30

# Won't you play a simple...

0:20:300:20:33

BOTH: # Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin'... #

0:20:330:20:37

Hold it, son, hold it.

0:20:370:20:40

-You sing...

-# Won't you play a simple...

0:20:400:20:44

# Musical demon, set your honey... #

0:20:440:20:46

-No, no.

-Hold it, son. You're starting to annoy me.

0:20:460:20:50

# Won't you play a simple...

0:20:500:20:55

-# Musical demon... #

-Hold it, son.

0:20:550:20:57

"Won't you play a simple...

0:20:570:21:00

"Won't you... Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home?"

0:21:000:21:05

Hold it. Hold it. Can I make a suggestion?

0:21:050:21:10

-Yes.

-Ah, good.

-Come round, Hilton.

0:21:100:21:13

-What Mr Wise was trying to tell you...

-Who?

-Mr Wise.

0:21:130:21:18

-"Mr Wise." He respects me.

-Mr Wise...

-It's age.

0:21:180:21:22

You sing your first bit which is "Won't..." Right?

0:21:220:21:26

And you keep going and let him carry the counter-melody. You're singing his bit at the moment.

0:21:260:21:32

-So we'll go through it and you just sing your bit. Got it?

-Yeah.

0:21:320:21:37

So, here we go. Right?

0:21:370:21:40

ERIC AND ELTON: # Wont you play a simple...

0:21:400:21:45

-ERIC AND ERNIE: # Musical demon... #

-No!

0:21:450:21:49

Hold it, son, hold it.

0:21:490:21:52

It's not very difficult. All you have to do is keep to your own bit.

0:21:540:21:59

-Keep to my own bit?

-Yeah. Ignore him.

-Ignore me - Mr Wise.

0:21:590:22:04

Here we go, right?

0:22:040:22:07

ERIC AND ELTON: # Won't you play a simple...

0:22:070:22:11

-ERIC AND ERNIE: # Musical demon... #

-No!

0:22:110:22:14

APPLAUSE

0:22:140:22:17

What I'm telling you is it's...

0:22:230:22:26

# Won't you play a simple melody? #

0:22:260:22:31

And not... # Musical demon, set your honey a-dreamin'... #

0:22:310:22:36

I'm not used to working under these circumstances.

0:22:360:22:40

You've upset him now.

0:22:480:22:51

I'm sorry you came.

0:22:510:22:53

APPLAUSE

0:23:060:23:09

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:23:100:23:14

And now I would like to present to you Singin' In The Rain.

0:23:140:23:18

-What are you doing?

-My Singin' In The Rain.

-Gene Kelly did that well.

0:23:180:23:23

I'm going to do it just that little bit better.

0:23:230:23:27

Oh, well, I would have said that. You're so much younger than him.

0:23:270:23:32

-I'm gonna do Singin' In The Rain.

-Fine. I'm all for it. Great idea.

0:23:320:23:37

What do I do in Singin' In The Rain? What do I do?

0:23:370:23:41

You're not in it.

0:23:410:23:43

-Eh?

-You're not in it.

0:23:430:23:46

It's just me.

0:23:460:23:48

AUDIENCE: "Aw!"

0:23:490:23:52

So get off. Go on, get off.

0:23:530:23:56

AUDIENCE: "Aw!"

0:23:560:23:59

-I should be in it, Ern.

-Why should you be in it?

-I'm half a star.

0:23:590:24:04

-Don't try and get sympathy.

-I don't want any sympathy from you. I want no sympathy from you.

0:24:040:24:11

All right! Come back here.

0:24:140:24:17

Oh, it's that one.

0:24:170:24:19

-I'll do them both.

-I can't be that cruel. I'll find a part for you.

0:24:190:24:24

-But keep out of my way.

-Yes. What part?

-If you remember the scene in the film, you play the policeman.

0:24:240:24:31

All right?

0:24:310:24:33

Yes.

0:24:330:24:35

-You play...

-Good evening.

0:24:350:24:38

-You play...

-I play the part of the policeman.

-An American policeman.

-I'll walk with an American accent.

0:24:380:24:45

-Ladies and gentlemen, tonight presenting Singin' In The Rain as performed by Little Ern.

-This way!

0:24:450:24:53

APPLAUSE

0:24:530:24:55

INTRO TO "Singin' In The Rain"

0:24:580:25:00

# I'm singin' in the rain

0:25:150:25:19

# Just singin' in the rain

0:25:190:25:23

# What a glorious feeling

0:25:230:25:27

# I'm happy again

0:25:270:25:30

# I'm laughing at clouds

0:25:310:25:33

# So dark up above

0:25:330:25:37

# The sun's in my heart

0:25:370:25:41

# And I'm ready for love

0:25:410:25:44

# Let the stormy clouds chase

0:25:440:25:47

# Everyone from the place

0:25:470:25:51

# Come on with the rain

0:25:510:25:54

# I've got a smile on my face

0:25:540:25:58

# I'll walk down the lane

0:25:580:26:01

# With a happy refrain

0:26:010:26:04

# I'm singin'

0:26:040:26:06

# Just singin' in the rain...

0:26:060:26:09

# I'm dancin' in the rain

0:26:120:26:15

# Da-da-da, da-da-da

0:26:150:26:18

# Ya-da-da, da-da-dee

0:26:180:26:22

# I'm happy again

0:26:220:26:25

# I'm singin' in the rain

0:26:260:26:29

# Just dancin' in the rain

0:26:290:26:32

# Just singin'

0:26:320:26:34

# And dancin' in the rain... #

0:26:340:26:37

I'm wet through. Look at what you've done. I'm wet through!

0:26:560:27:00

-# Singin' and dancin' in the rain... #

-I'm wet through. It's not nice. I'm wet through, folks.

0:27:000:27:07

# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain... #

0:27:070:27:12

APPLAUSE

0:27:260:27:29

-Come on!

-Shut up!

0:27:290:27:31

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

0:27:350:27:38

-It's a great...

-Excuse me.

-I love the jacket. Is that real gold?

0:27:380:27:43

Yeah. I've come to apologise about my behaviour earlier on.

0:27:430:27:48

-Don't worry about it.

-I shouldn't have lost my temper.

-Just keep out of his way, OK?

0:27:480:27:55

-I don't think Derek likes me very much.

-No, don't take any notice of that.

0:27:550:28:01

He likes you, but just keep out of his way.

0:28:010:28:04

I tell you what. I would really love to work with you.

0:28:040:28:09

Doesn't everybody?

0:28:090:28:11

I know. But we're a team. I couldn't possibly split up at this late stage. Impossible.

0:28:110:28:18

I would be willing to work for nothing just for the experience.

0:28:180:28:22

-Never mind about the experience. For nothing?

-For nothing.

0:28:220:28:27

-Nil?

-Absolutely nothing.

-Well, you do look a bit like him.

0:28:270:28:32

-And much younger.

-Oh, yeah.

-And in better condition.

-Absolutely.

0:28:320:28:37

Erm... I tell you what. Can you do this? Look.

0:28:370:28:42

-Can you do that?

-Oh, yeah.

0:28:430:28:45

APPLAUSE

0:28:480:28:50

Well, it's a start. And then there's this. This is a good one.

0:28:500:28:55

-# Bring me sunshine...

-Bring me sunshine... #

0:28:550:29:00

You've got a spring in the step!

0:29:000:29:02

And the other one is where he's got his arm like that and he puts it behind the curtain.

0:29:020:29:09

-Try that.

-That one?

-Go on, try it.

0:29:090:29:11

Just once more, that's all. Once more!

0:29:110:29:15

APPLAUSE

0:29:150:29:18

JAZZ INTRO

0:29:230:29:26

# I was born on a farm out in Ioway

0:29:410:29:43

# A flaming youth, I was bound I would fly away

0:29:430:29:47

# I packed my grip, I grabbed my saxophone

0:29:470:29:50

# Can't read notes, but I play anything by ear

0:29:520:29:55

# I made up tunes on the sounds that I used to hear

0:29:550:29:58

# When I start to play, folks used to say

0:29:580:30:01

# Sounds a little goofus to me

0:30:010:30:04

# Corn-fed chords appeal to me

0:30:040:30:07

# I like rustic harmony

0:30:070:30:10

# Hold the note and change the key

0:30:100:30:13

# That's called goofus

0:30:130:30:16

# Not according to the rules

0:30:160:30:19

# That you learn at music schools

0:30:190:30:22

# But the folks just dance like fools

0:30:220:30:26

# They love goofus

0:30:260:30:28

# Got a job but I just couldn't keep it long

0:30:280:30:32

# The leader said I played all the music wrong

0:30:320:30:35

# So I stepped out with an outfit of my own

0:30:350:30:39

# Got together a new kind of orchestry

0:30:400:30:44

# We all played just the same goofus harmony

0:30:440:30:47

# And I must admit, we made a hit

0:30:470:30:50

# Goofus has been lucky for me

0:30:500:30:53

# Goofus has been lucky for me... #

0:30:530:30:55

SAXOPHONE INSTRUMENTAL

0:30:550:30:58

# Got together a new kind of orchestry

0:31:190:31:23

# And we all played just the same goofus harmony

0:31:230:31:26

# And I must admit, we made a hit

0:31:260:31:28

# Goofus has been lucky for me

0:31:280:31:31

# Goofus has been lucky for me

0:31:310:31:34

# Goofus has been lucky-y-y-y-y-y

0:31:340:31:41

# For me! #

0:31:410:31:43

APPLAUSE

0:31:430:31:46

Hello. It's July and the cricket season is with us once more.

0:32:170:32:22

-There's nothing nicer than the lovely weather that you get...

-Have you got rid of him?

-Who?

-The comic.

0:32:220:32:29

No, he seems to be hiding. I don't know what's happened to him. I've not seen him.

0:32:290:32:36

Is that him there?

0:32:360:32:38

LOUD THUMP

0:32:410:32:44

-APPLAUSE

-I tell you what...

0:32:460:32:49

Ernie, Ernie... Could you help me with my boot?

0:32:530:32:57

-I tell you what.

-What?

-You're vicious doing things like that.

0:32:570:33:01

It's not very nice.

0:33:010:33:04

Oh, God!

0:33:040:33:06

-A hell of a mess back there.

-Is there?

-Have a look at that on your way down.

0:33:060:33:12

-Who's that?

-Bobby Crushed.

0:33:120:33:15

I could use one of those. It'd suit me fine. It's got "E" on it as well. Thanks very much.

0:33:150:33:21

Psst, psst!

0:33:260:33:28

APPLAUSE

0:33:330:33:36

SLOW INTRO

0:33:460:33:48

# What have I got to do to make you love me?

0:33:590:34:03

# What have I got to do to make you care?

0:34:070:34:11

# What do I do when lightning strikes me

0:34:140:34:18

# And I wake to find that you're not there?

0:34:210:34:25

# What do I do to make you want me?

0:34:280:34:32

# What have I got to do to be heard?

0:34:350:34:39

# What do I say when it's all over

0:34:430:34:46

# And sorry seems to be the hardest word?

0:34:490:34:54

# And it's sad, so sad

0:34:570:35:00

# Oh, it's a sad, sad situation

0:35:000:35:04

# And it's getting more and more absurd

0:35:040:35:09

# It's sad, so sad

0:35:120:35:15

# Why can't we talk it over?

0:35:150:35:18

# Oh, it seems to me

0:35:180:35:21

# That sorry seems to be the hardest word

0:35:210:35:27

# Ooh, it's sad, so sad

0:35:540:35:58

# Oh, it's a sad, sad situation

0:35:580:36:01

# And it's getting more and more absurd

0:36:010:36:05

# It's sad, so sad

0:36:090:36:12

# Why can't we talk it over?

0:36:120:36:15

# Oh, it seems to me

0:36:150:36:18

# That sorry seems to be the hardest word

0:36:180:36:23

# What do I do to make you love me?

0:36:230:36:28

# What have I got to do to be heard?

0:36:310:36:35

# What do I do when lightning strikes me?

0:36:380:36:43

# What have I got to do?

0:36:450:36:48

# What have I got to do-o

0:36:480:36:52

# When sorry seems to be the hardest word?

0:36:520:36:59

# Oo-oo-ooh, yeah

0:36:590:37:02

# Let me tell you

0:37:020:37:04

# Sorry seems to be the hardest word. #

0:37:040:37:10

APPLAUSE

0:37:130:37:16

FANFARE

0:37:230:37:25

MUSIC: "LA MARSEILLAISE"

0:38:230:38:26

APPLAUSE

0:38:390:38:41

KNOCKING

0:38:440:38:46

Who is it?

0:38:470:38:49

-It's me, guv'nor!

-APPLAUSE

0:38:490:38:53

-Having breakfast?

-Nah, I'm not having breakfast. I'm having lunch.

0:38:580:39:03

That was me breakfast.

0:39:030:39:05

-Fancy a bite to eat?

-Yeah. Thanks. I thought you'd never ask.

0:39:050:39:10

I've got those two volunteers.

0:39:130:39:16

Good. Everything depends on this false information getting into enemy hands. Do they fit the bill?

0:39:160:39:21

-They're expendable.

-That's exactly what I mean.

0:39:210:39:26

-Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?

-Well...

-Do they know they won't come back alive?

0:39:260:39:32

-I got you two volunteers.

-They say there's one in every regiment.

0:39:320:39:37

-There's two in ours.

-Let's have them in.

0:39:370:39:41

All right, you two! At the double! Left, right! Left, right!

0:39:410:39:45

APPLAUSE

0:39:490:39:51

-Sir!

-Yes, well...

0:39:560:39:59

-You both know why you're here.

-Oh, yes.

-This job isn't much fun.

0:40:000:40:06

As Kitchener said to the sentry.

0:40:060:40:08

For tattooed on his chest through a hole in his vest A sign said, "Caution, no entry!"

0:40:080:40:14

-We took the King's shilling, we're ready and willing.

-As Jellico said to the Kaiser.

0:40:140:40:19

-A dangerous job.

-Pay's 30 bob.

-Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.

0:40:190:40:24

Sir! It's a great pleasure to be serving under an officer who's as brave as what you are.

0:40:240:40:30

-And I like you best in The Sweeney.

-All right!

-We're in, chum!

-Now you know what you gotta do?

0:40:300:40:37

-Oh, yes. You tell us where the piano is and we'll move it.

-Piano?

0:40:370:40:41

-Sir!

-We volunteered to move the piano.

-The piano that these gentlemen volunteered to move.

0:40:410:40:48

-I didn't tell 'em the real thing.

-Oh, the piano, yes.

0:40:480:40:53

-And what else as well?

-First they've got to take the communique.

0:40:530:40:57

First, take the communique to get permission to move the piano.

0:40:570:41:02

-Oh, yes.

-This is a map...

-Are you sure?

0:41:020:41:06

-Now you'll make your way along here.

-Doing an act on your own?

0:41:080:41:13

-Now, listen. To this hill here. The enemy have occupied the summit.

-The summit.

0:41:130:41:19

Then you go down through this gully, up here, and your destination is this hillock here.

0:41:190:41:26

There must be another way of looking at this. What do you think?

0:41:260:41:32

APPLAUSE

0:41:340:41:36

Who's come on? Is it possible to volunteer for something dangerous around Arras?

0:41:360:41:43

BOTH: Mother!

0:41:480:41:50

I can't believe it. May I say, sir...

0:41:500:41:54

-Big Bertha.

-Have I seen you in the back of a car?

0:41:550:41:59

-Inside this envelope...

-Is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year,

0:42:010:42:07

which I will read out in reverse order. Porter, Dawn, Nyree!

0:42:070:42:11

-Synchronise your watches. A quarter to six.

-A quarter to six.

-Quarter to six.

-Ten past eleven.

0:42:130:42:20

-Ten past eleven?

-Ten past eleven.

-Ten past eleven.

-Quarter to six.

0:42:200:42:24

-On your bike!

-Sorry, sir!

-Left, right! Left, right!

-Hold up.

-What?

0:42:240:42:30

-Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.

-I like him the best.

-Are you still there?

0:42:300:42:36

Well, we're away. A great pleasure working with you. I don't care what they say.

0:42:360:42:42

I've always admired you. You're a nice fella.

0:42:420:42:46

PSSHT!

0:42:500:42:51

I've got a great gag for you later. "Ruggish!" It could be.

0:42:530:42:58

We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis. Never.

0:42:580:43:03

The map! Get out the map!

0:43:500:43:53

Yeah. Yeah, OK, good.

0:44:330:44:36

Things are looking up. They should be 12 miles behind enemy lines.

0:44:360:44:41

Where are we?

0:44:410:44:43

A-oow!

0:44:450:44:47

MUSIC: "DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES"

0:46:090:46:12

-Send zem in!

-Jawohl!

0:47:140:47:17

APPLAUSE

0:47:250:47:27

-Achtung!

-Volkswagen!

0:47:310:47:33

Sorry about your arm.

0:47:350:47:37

-So...

-Oh!

0:47:390:47:41

So...

0:47:430:47:45

-Ze British pigs...

-That's not nice!

-Quiet!

0:47:470:47:51

That's better. Have you got a brother on our side?

0:47:510:47:56

-Ohh! I tell you what, Ern.

-What?

-You'll enjoy this.

-Will I?

-It's fun, fun, fun!

-Quiet!

0:47:570:48:03

He is known as Hans Everywhere.

0:48:030:48:05

Now, my little Englander.

0:48:070:48:10

-Mein Herr.

-It's not slipped again, has it? No, it's fine.

-Quiet!

0:48:100:48:15

-Ve have some plans for you, gentlemen.

-Oh, have you?

0:48:150:48:19

Ve have two methods of extracting information, which I shall call vun und two.

0:48:190:48:26

Very good, sir. Vun and two. I'll try to remember.

0:48:260:48:30

-Have either of you got a coin?

-Got a coin?

-I'll look in my wallet.

0:48:300:48:35

-You're very privileged to see this.

-Jawohl?

-Usually in a vault, yes.

0:48:350:48:40

DIAL SPINS

0:48:420:48:45

By the time he gets in, you know, the pound has gone down again.

0:48:450:48:50

CREAKING

0:48:500:48:52

That was just his thumb.

0:48:520:48:54

Just.

0:48:540:48:56

No, no coins, sir. No coins.

0:48:590:49:01

-So...

-So?

0:49:050:49:07

It's the So Show!

0:49:070:49:09

-You...

-I've got one, too!

-You vill be taken from here...

-Taken from here.

0:49:090:49:15

..und haf your pound notes pulled out, one by one.

0:49:150:49:20

-Oh!

-That'll be fun!

0:49:210:49:23

Oh, please, not that! Please, Mr German! Have mercy on me.

0:49:230:49:28

I'm only little. I was always good to my mother - I never went home.

0:49:280:49:34

They were cruel to me at school. Beefy Miller - she was vicious!

0:49:340:49:39

I'm only little and I want me mam.

0:49:390:49:42

-Hey, you're right! It's good.

-I told you.

-Oh, boy!

0:49:460:49:50

Doesn't half help your loose change.

0:49:500:49:54

Well... Whatcha gonna do now, TC?

0:49:550:49:59

-Und now...

-Yes?

-..for you.

0:50:020:50:04

-For me?

-With you ve vill try method number two.

-Oh!

0:50:040:50:08

You're going to experience the beautiful Mata Hari.

0:50:080:50:12

-Any of this business?

-No.

-Just for laughs.

-Don't go there.

0:50:120:50:17

No, I won't. I like you better in The Sveeney.

0:50:170:50:22

The Sveeney!

0:50:220:50:24

PSSHT!

0:50:290:50:30

Wai-yah!

0:50:330:50:34

A great sense of humour - that's all he lacks.

0:50:400:50:43

Hold it!

0:50:510:50:53

ENGINE REVS

0:51:000:51:02

Mata Hari's Visitors Book.

0:51:260:51:29

Must be the fixture list.

0:51:310:51:33

I didn't know he did. I didn't know HE could.

0:51:330:51:38

"By hook or by crook, I'll be last in this book." George Bernard Shaw.

0:51:390:51:45

"Aye aye, that's your lot." Oscar Wilde.

0:51:450:51:50

There's a turn-up.

0:51:510:51:53

# Falling in love again

0:52:260:52:29

# Never wanted to...

0:52:290:52:32

BOTH: # What am I to do?

0:52:320:52:35

# I can't help IT! #

0:52:350:52:38

APPLAUSE

0:52:400:52:43

Thank you.

0:52:430:52:45

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:52:460:52:48

a selection from The Desert Song.

0:52:480:52:51

By Sheikh Yourmoney.

0:52:510:52:54

Ern, that's the most fabulous disguise you've ever worn.

0:52:550:52:59

You had me going for a second. Not for long, just a second.

0:52:590:53:04

-But I am not Ern!

-You're not Ern?

-I am Kate O'Mata Hari, ze beautiful German spy.

0:53:040:53:12

I am Eric O'Morecambe and Heysham, the ugly English comic.

0:53:120:53:16

-My card.

-It's bent.

-Lucky for you, I'm not.

0:53:190:53:23

Haven't I seen you on Parkinson?

0:53:260:53:28

-Vot is zis Parkinson?

-They're all saying that!

0:53:280:53:33

-Come over here.

-I'm already over here.

0:53:350:53:39

I'll come over there.

0:53:390:53:41

-And you come over here.

-You are a very handsome man.

0:53:410:53:45

I know.

0:53:450:53:47

With all zese medals, you must also be a very brave man.

0:53:490:53:53

-That is true.

-Vot is zis one?

0:53:530:53:57

-DSM.

-DSM?

-Don't Spend Much.

0:53:570:54:00

-And zis one?

-MM.

-MM?

-My Mother's.

0:54:010:54:04

-And him?

-That one, beyond the call of duty.

0:54:050:54:09

I actually finished a meal in a restaurant on the motorway.

0:54:090:54:14

-APPLAUSE

-Perfectly true.

0:54:140:54:17

-But vere did you get zis one?

-I got that on the front.

0:54:220:54:26

And that one on the back.

0:54:260:54:29

Empire, Swansea, 1922.

0:54:290:54:32

Working late?

0:54:370:54:39

You must be ze one.

0:54:450:54:48

So I'm told.

0:54:510:54:53

Vy don't we, um...?

0:54:560:54:59

You mean...?

0:55:000:55:02

Yes. And then ve could...

0:55:040:55:06

But only if there's...

0:55:090:55:12

..time.

0:55:120:55:14

Are you going?

0:55:150:55:17

-The last agent ze British sent was putty in my hands.

-I know him well.

0:55:170:55:22

His windows fell out last week.

0:55:220:55:25

-You know vot I want from you.

-Keep still while she's working!

0:55:270:55:32

-You know vot I want!

-I know what you want, young sir.

0:55:340:55:38

But the only thing you'll get is my rank, name and number.

0:55:380:55:43

Which is Harpenden 4463. And it's cheaper after six o'clock.

0:55:430:55:48

Then again, aren't we all?

0:55:490:55:51

-Do you not realise this is where they store ze ammunition?

-You mean this is the...? Ahem!

-Arsenal!

0:55:530:56:00

APPLAUSE

0:56:010:56:03

-You know what I'm after, don't you?

-Four pints, please.

0:56:100:56:14

I am prepared to do...anything to get what I want.

0:56:140:56:18

And I am prepared...to let you.

0:56:180:56:21

I thought you might be.

0:56:220:56:24

Tell me about your British positions.

0:56:240:56:29

Centre forward and the goalkeeper.

0:56:320:56:35

And, since Don Revie's taken over, 28 left backs.

0:56:350:56:39

APPLAUSE

0:56:390:56:41

-Vot would you say to a little drink?

-Hello, little drink.

0:56:450:56:49

Ah!

0:56:510:56:52

Porter, Dawn, Nyree!

0:56:540:56:57

White, Hyde, Wilfred!

0:56:570:56:59

-Is that ze code?

-If you want.

-A-ha.

0:56:590:57:02

-How about some schnapps?

-I'll look at your holiday pictures later.

0:57:040:57:08

Vould you like a drink?

0:57:080:57:11

I'll think about it.

0:57:110:57:14

-If you're tired, I'll come back tomorrow.

-I am all in.

0:57:180:57:22

Not from here you're not.

0:57:220:57:25

-Come to me? Kiss me gemutlich!

-If I knew what it was, I would!

0:57:250:57:30

-Won't you kiss me?

-You don't seem to understand.

-I want you!

0:57:300:57:34

I'm wearing my appliance!

0:57:340:57:37

Take cover! Take cover!

0:57:440:57:47

Out! Get him out of here!

0:57:470:57:50

No! He's wonderful! I vant him!

0:57:500:57:53

I vant him!

0:57:530:57:55

Zis I must see.

0:57:560:57:59

ENGINE REVS

0:58:030:58:05

VOLLEY OF SHOTS

0:58:370:58:40

APPLAUSE

0:58:450:58:47

A report on the economy has just come from Number 11 Downing Street.

0:58:550:58:59

The Chancellor's statement reads:

0:58:590:59:02

"There may be trouble ahead, but while there's moonlight and music

0:59:020:59:07

"and love and romance..."

0:59:070:59:10

# Let's face the music and dance!

0:59:120:59:15

# You were meant for me

0:59:360:59:42

# I was meant for you

0:59:430:59:48

# Nature fashioned you and when she was done

0:59:500:59:56

# You were all the sweet things rolled into one

0:59:581:00:04

# A plaintive melody...

1:00:091:00:13

# Aaaaah!

1:00:131:00:15

# That will not set me free

1:00:151:00:21

# I contend

1:00:231:00:25

# The angels must have sent you

1:00:251:00:29

# And they made you just for...

1:00:291:00:33

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

1:00:331:00:37

-# C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

1:00:371:00:40

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

1:00:401:00:44

-# F...

-You're a feather in my hat

1:00:441:00:47

-# G...

-You look good to me A...

-You're adorable

1:00:471:00:51

-# B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

1:00:511:00:56

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

1:00:561:01:00

-# But what are we gonna do about him?

-Who, me?

-Yes!

1:01:001:01:03

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

1:01:031:01:07

-# C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

1:01:071:01:09

-# J...

-You're like Jack and Jill

-K...

-You're so kissable

1:01:101:01:14

-# A...

-You're adorable

-C...

-It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

1:01:141:01:19

# But what are we gonna do about him? #

1:01:191:01:22

One, two, a-one, two, three, four!

1:01:221:01:27

RUMBA MUSIC

1:01:271:01:29

MUSIC: "TEQUILA"

1:01:341:01:37

PEANUTS!

1:01:411:01:44

MUSIC: "THE PEANUT VENDOR"

1:01:451:01:47

-Are you all right?

-Eh?

-# You're adorable

1:02:201:02:23

-# B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

1:02:231:02:27

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

1:02:271:02:31

-# But what are we gonna do about him?

-Two, three, four!

1:02:311:02:35

-# A...

-You're adorable

-B...

-But you're beautiful

-C...

-You're a cutie full of charm

1:02:351:02:41

-# W...

-It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

1:02:411:02:45

# But what are we gonna do about him? #

1:02:451:02:49

# When you feel down, try positive thinking

1:02:541:02:58

# That's what I'm told the man said

1:02:581:03:01

# Don't wear a frown, try positive thinking

1:03:011:03:05

# Laugh at your troubles instead

1:03:051:03:07

# You've got to look on the bright side, on hope so much depends

1:03:071:03:14

# With your confidence sinking, positive thinking

1:03:141:03:17

# Helps you on the way, my friend

1:03:171:03:21

# When things look black, try positive thinking

1:03:211:03:25

# Treat every season as spring

1:03:251:03:28

# No glancing back, try positive thinking

1:03:281:03:31

# Trust what tomorrow may bring

1:03:311:03:34

# This crazy world what we live in will keep on spinning round

1:03:341:03:40

# And with good, strong positive thinking

1:03:401:03:44

# Good, strong positive thinking

1:03:441:03:47

# Good, strong positive drinking

1:03:471:03:50

-# We'll get together and life won't let us...

-DOWN!

1:03:501:03:57

# ..down! #

1:03:571:04:01

E-mail us at: [email protected]

1:04:531:04:56

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