Christmas Show 1977 The Morecambe and Wise Show

STARSKY AND HUTCH THEME PLAYS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Bring Me Sunshine"

Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Good evening.

-Thank you.

-Good evening.

-Thank you very much.

-Welcome to the Morecambe and Wise Christmas show.

-First, we'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas. Eric...

-Very, very, very merry Christmas.

-We've got a wonderful show for you.

-All the names up in lights.

-Wonderful scenery, costumes...

beautiful dancing girls. I've written a special play which I'm sure you'll enjoy.

-My play has glamour...

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

-One moment.

-Yes?

-Who's Mr Recambe?

-I haven't met Mr Recambe. Who's Mr Recambe, please?

-That's you.

But I'm not all there.

We all know that!

-Where's the "MO"?

-Why? Aren't you feeling very well?

-You know, MO - medical officer.

-Yes.

-It's that.

-Oh, I know what you mean!

-It's my name.

-You can see all mine.

-We won't go into that.

-It's a good job my name isn't Sussex.

-Why?

-It would have been Sex and Wise.

-Leave it to me.

I've never worked alone before.

-There you are.

-That'll do fine.

-MBE and Wise.

-I got an OBE, not an MBE.

-That's true.

-I'll do it.

Yeah, you fix it. I've never worked alone, you know.

-Ah, that's much better. Wait. There's one thing wrong.

-What?

There you are. Morecambe and Wiser because I am.

-You've almost got it right.

-Almost?

There we are.

APPLAUSE DROWNS HIS WORDS

Thank you.

-Well, it's lovely to be here. What guest stars do we have on the show?

-None.

-None?

-None.

-No guest stars at all?

-Nobody will work with us any more.

-There must be somebody needs the money.

-There's one fellow who'll work with us.

-Who?

-Elephant John.

-You mean ELTON John.

-Him. He was on our last Christmas show. He sang "All Sentimental" and got laughs.

-We don't want him. And he's too expensive.

-Yeah.

-How much does he want?

-£35 and two Luton players.

That's almost £50!

-No, we can't afford him.

-No.

-Anyway, I've fixed everything.

-Will you get rid of him?

-He won't be on the show.

-Let's get on.

-Wait.

-What?

-You mentioned Christmas.

-Yes.

-Well?

-What?

-Where's my little...?

-Oh, you mean, you want a Christmas present?

-If it's ready.

-All right.

-There's my credit card. You can have it for ten minutes.

-The shops are closed!

-Suit yourself!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Elton John. I'm here to do the Morecambe and Wise Show.

-They told me to give you this.

Oh. Thank you.

"Dear Elephant, Please go to..." Elephant?

"Please go to room 405."

Hm, 405.

-That's the fourth floor.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a time of change and change means progress.

What better time to change than the year of the Silver Jubilee.

Eric says it's 25 years since I opened my wallet!

-I've got a surprise for you...

-< Aw-w!

Aw-w!

-What?

-What's that?

-Ernie?

-Yeah?

-Have I ever told you a lie?

-No, never.

-It's a kitten.

-That's the first lie I've ever told you.

-No, it's a puppy. Is it a Christmas present?

-No, I got it from Multi-Coloured Swap Shop.

-A children's programme?

-I gave my wrong age over the phone.

-You swapped something for the puppy?

-Yes. I'll miss the wife.

We don't need jokes, you see, because everybody will go, "Ah-h!"

-Lovely little thing.

-Ah-h, yes. Is it a boy-dog?

-How can you tell?

-Don't you know?

-No.

-It's very simple. All you do is...

I've just had me tea!

-I'll do it if you will.

-I'm not going to do it.

-Let's have a look together.

-OK.

-Male.

-Female.

-Are you sure?

-No, I'm not.

-We'll have to wait another couple of months to find out.

-Well, this could be a long spot.

-What kind of a dog is it?

-A special one.

-Oh?

-A cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle.

-What's that?

-A cock-a-doodle.

-If you analyse that one, it doesn't make sense.

-Could I...?

-What?

Certainly. There we are.

-Beautiful little thing, isn't it?

-Oh, lovely! Soft, warm tummy.

It's your age.

-You'd better take him back.

-Why?

-I'll get bitten all over.

-I thought we were staying at the same hotel.

Shall I get his trainer on? Young man, here we are.

-Thank you.

-Would you like to stroke it?

-Yes. Give him the dog.

Thank you very much.

And finally, the Department of the Environment has given the go-ahead for a group of students

to mount a major study into the lifestyle of the dolphin,

and one dolphin in particular called Beaky.

Over the last few years, scientists have become increasingly convinced

that it's the dolphin, not the ape, that bears the closest similarity to the intelligence of the human being.

That's it for now. I'll be back at 9 o'clock with the News At Ten. Oh!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Now it's my great pleasure to introduce you to our guest star.

-A famous name?

-Yes.

-Let me guess.

-Give me a clue... The initials?

-AR.

-AR.

-AR.

-Got it.

-What?

-Arthur Askey.

-You're on, Arthur.

-No, don't be silly! It's a beautiful young lady.

She's been entertaining millions of viewers every Sunday night on television.

From Poldark, Angharad Rees.

APPLAUSE

Don't hang about, love. We're waiting for Angharad Rees to come on.

Angharad! Lovely to see you. Wonderful! Look at Eric. He's absolutely shattered.

-You're one of his favourites.

-Am I, Eric? I didn't know that.

-Good Lord.

-He's completely nonplussed. He's all embarrassed.

-It's lovely to have you on the show, Angharad.

-Thank you.

-Eric.

-Yes?

-Your hand.

-I've got another one here.

He's watched all of your series.

-I didn't know you were a fan, Eric.

-(Excuse me.)

I'll tell you something, Hand-grenade...

I was thrilled when I realised that you had escaped.

-Escaped?

-From Colditz.

-You blacked up and jumped over that fence.

-No, POLDARK.

-Oh. Poldark.

-So you watched every episode, Eric?

-Every one. With envy.

-Envy?

-I was envious of the man who played the part of your husband.

-Oh, you mean Ross.

-Yes, Ross. How is Edmundo, these days?

-The last time I saw him he had his maracas up in the air...

-That's not something to say to a lady.

-How about you, Ernie? Did you watch Cowpark?

-Coalpit.

-Poldark. NOT any more.

I saw one episode and I was deeply shocked to see you, a married woman, doing kissing with another man.

I was only acting.

They all say that.

-Let me try and explain.

-What?

-What?

-He went to war and came back injured. He was in the navy.

-I saw that part. He was a deck-hand on a submarine.

-But he went down well.

-Oh, good.

-He was in need of comfort so I put my arms around him like this.

-Yes?

And I ran my fingers through his hair like this.

Go on.

-I felt so sorry for him I held him close like this.

-Yes.

-Then I pressed my lips to his neck like this.

-Oh, yab-a-dab-a-doo! And then what happened?

-Nothing.

-They went into a cave.

-They didn't.

We always had a soft spot for sailors.

Ah-ha-ha!

There was a young sailor from Preston who ran down the M1 with no vest on.

-He was just outside Stoke when the big hairy blokes...

-That's not necessary.

-Right.

Miss Hang-glider...if you'd get changed for your part.

-Do I have something pretty to wear?

-If you like wellingtons, yes.

-There's a blue dress and a red one.

-Which one do I wear?

-The blue one. The red one's his.

Come back here!

Come back, you.

-She's beautiful.

-Oh, beautiful.

-Absolutely gorgeous.

-Well?

-I want to know...

-Yes?

-We're doing a scene with her?

-Yes.

-I get her in the end?

-You have your way with her.

-It's all yours.

-Yes.

-She's madly in love with you. All you do is come on when I give you the cue.

And the cue is?

What was the cue?

I didn't hear the flaming cue, Ern!

Ah, my dear.

-Some tulips for you.

-Oh, thank you!

You must be freezing. I'll just give it a bit of a puff.

-I'll go and pour you a nice warm drink, my dear.

-Thank you.

Oh, the weather!

Oh, it's cold. This'll warm the cockles of ye heart.

But ye don't want to catch a cold.

AH-H-TCHOO !

I'm sorry about that. I didn't realise your cat had been run over.

-What are you doing here? I wish to be alone with this young lady.

-Sire, it be FREEZING out there.

-We know how to keep one another warm.

-But I need a YOUNG man.

-He's well past his sell-by date.

-Would you please get out?

-Sire,

it's so cold out there, they're laying men off at the brass foundry.

-And I must get to Truro.

-You cannot go to Scotland in this weather.

-YOU are going out in that snow and you're going out there NOW.

-Scotland?

Oh, Eve, never leave.

What are you...?!

-I do get her in the end, don't I?

-You make love to her when I give you the cue.

-And the cue is?

-MUMBLES SOMETHING

-You sound foreign to me!

-My dear, would you care to sit down?

-Thank you.

How would you like a romantic interlope with the most beautiful, handsome, virile lover

in the whole of Cornshire?

-OK. But if he's not here in ten minutes, I'm leaving.

-Please!

BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO A SONG

-# I really can't stay

-Baby, it's cold outside

-# I've got to get away

-Baby, it's cold outside

# This evening has been so very nice.

# I'll hold your hands They're just like ice

# My mother will start to worry And Father will be pacing the floor

-#

-Listen to the fireplace roar

-# So, really, I'd better scurry

-Beautiful, please don't go home

-Well, maybe just to have a drink

-# The neighbours might think...

-You'll freeze out there

-# What became of my drink?

-It's knee-high out there

-# I wish I knew how...

-Your eyes are like starlight now

-..To break the spell

-#

-I'll hold your hand, your hair looks swell

-I have to say no, no, no

-# At least I can say that I tried

-What's the sense in hurting my pride?

-# I really can't stay

-Baby, don't hold out

# Baby, it's cold outside. #

Now's your chance!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "That's Entertainment"

Tea, Ern.

Tea-urn! That's a belter, that. I haven't done that one for years.

-That's one for the archives, that.

-It should be IN the archives.

You've done it for a million years.

That's the job finished now.

Just the one wallet in that crate, is there?

-Do we have to leave?

-We have to progress in this world.

The new place is beautiful. It's better than here and much cheaper than this dump.

Is it?

-When will the van be here?

-Soon as the doctor's signed the certificate.

-Tell you what.

-What?

-We've had a few laughs here.

-We have.

-Remember we used to talk about Aston Street school.

-I forget.

You always said that when I said Aston Street school. Was that on account of...Miss?

Nothing to do with Miss.

Nothing at all.

You never did tell me. Why did she keep you in?

-Every night she kept you in after school.

-Forget it!

Tell me. Go on. I'm your friend.

If you think I'm gonna stand here and talk about such a little thing, you're mistaken.

I don't want to know what she said, just why she kept you in.

-I was only ten. How do you expect me to remember what happened 20 years ago?

-I shouldn't have asked.

-We must look to the future today, not the past. We must progress.

-SIREN

-Is that an ambulance?

-No, it was Shaw Taylor going home for lunch.

-Hey, I remember the first time you ever stuck your head out this window.

-When was that?

It was blowing a gale. It blew your wig off.

It landed in that garden. An old lady gave it a saucer of milk.

I remember that.

Will you come away from that window? People'll think we've got double-glazing.

-Eric?

-You've got a good memory for names.

I'll talk to you.

-I've known you a long time.

-I know.

-And I know what's worrying you.

-What?

-Fear.

-Fear?

-Yes.

-Fear of what?

-Fear of change.

-I'm not frightened of change.

-You're not?

-I watch News at Ten.

-What?

-I like to see Reginald Bosanquet's hair change colour after the commercial.

-Do we have to leave, Ern?

-The new place is much better and cheaper.

Cast your baby-blue eyes over that, my boy.

-It's a beautiful home.

-Yes.

-Whose is it?

-Ours! That's the one we're getting.

-Do me a favour!

-Yeah!

-That's almost a stately home.

-Built by Wren.

-Eh?

-Built by Wren.

How a tiny little bird can carry all these bricks I'll never know.

-Lord Nel...

-Hey.

-What?

-What?

-Lord Nelson stayed there.

-With David Hamilton?

-LADY Hamilton.

-Is there a difference?

-Look at that!

-Yeah.

-It's got a TV aerial.

-Lord Nelson had it rewired before he left.

Oh.

-It's built in the classical style.

-You can tell that.

-Eaves sticking out of the window.

-She's a big girl.

-There you are.

-I love the countryside.

-Do you like the country?

-I just said that.

-I love the countryside.

-Do you like nature?

-Till me back went.

-Oh.

-I don't want to leave this flat.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be the removal men.

-There you are, gentlemen.

-Don't worry, lads, this time tomorrow you'll be in Amsterdam.

Be careful with him. He's in there.

Thanks a lot, boys. There'll be no tips. You've been warned, have you?

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, he got a pat on the back, did he?

-Yeah.

-Ah, well, that's it, then.

-Yeah. But don't upset yourself.

-Don't upset yourself. You'll get me going.

-I think the car's arrived. Shall I wait for you downstairs?

-Tell you what, you wait for me downstairs.

-OK.

Forgot your coat?

I'll see you both downstairs then.

-Ern?

-Yeah?

-The dog's wee'd on your dressing-gown.

CAR IS REVVED UP

BRAKES SCREECH

MINI SCREECHES TO A HALT

Here. What about a tip, then?

Certainly. Leave the women alone.

-You're in for a big surprise. I'll put the light on.

-Good Lord!

-There you are.

-This is fantastic!

-It's luxury.

-Beautiful!

-It's better and cheaper than our last place.

-It is.

-And it's got a beautiful view. Take a look.

-Over there?

Just open the curtains.

-Aye? What do you want?

-Uhm...I've got a letter...about the Morecambe and Wise Show.

You'll have to ask Sgt Wilson.

-Can I help you?

-I've got a letter about the Morecambe and Wise Show.

You'll have to ask Captain Mainwaring.

MUMBLES

Morecambe and Wise.

Stupid boy.

# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea

# We got mangoes and bananas You can pick right off a tree

# We got volleyball and ping-pong And a lot of dandy games

# What ain't we got? We ain't got dames.

# We get packages from home We get movies, we get shows

# We get speeches from our skipper We get letters doused with perfume We get dizzy from the smell

# What don't we get? You know darn well.

-#

-We got nothing to put on a clean white shirt for

-#

-We've got nothing to look masculine and...cute for

# There is nothing like a da-a-ame Nothing in the world

# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a da-a-ame

# There are no books like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...

# Nothing looks like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...

# There are no drinks like a dame - Ah-ah-ah...

# And nothing thinks like a dame - Ah-ah...

# Nothing acts like a dame - Oh-oh...

# Or attracts like a dame - Oh-oh...

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

# That can't be cured by putting him near

# A girlie, womanly, female, feminine da-a-a-ame.

# We feel lonely and we long For the fair and gentle sex

# We would like to feel some arms around our necks

# We feel hungry as the wolf in Red Riding Hood

# What don't we feel? We don't feel good.

# Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother...

# There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever in any way, shape or form

# like any other - Other-er. # Who said that?

Berk! THEY WHISTLE THE TUNE

WHISTLING STOPS

ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY THE TUNE

# There is nothing like a dame

# Nothing in the world

# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a dame

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

# That can't be cured by putting him near

# A girly, womanly, female, feminine da-a-a-a-ame.

BASSO PROFUNDO # There is absolutely nothing like the frame

# Of a-a-a...

# Da-a-a-ame. #

Dame!

-I'd like to tell you about my new play entitled Cyrano de Bergerac.

-Oh, a knock-out, that.

-You play Cyrano de Bergerac.

-Thanks a lot.

-This is what I want you to do.

-LAUGHTER

-What?

You've got to learn a lot of poetry. "I am Cyrano de Bergerac. I've got this big nose."

-Ladies and gentlemen!

-Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe it.

-Good Lord! Isn't this wonderful!

-Your friend and mine, Mr Francis Matthews!

-Are you looking forward to the show?

-Oh, immensely!

-Good.

-Well, I'm looking forward to it.

-Good.

-ERIC SNORES

-Well, I'm looking.

-Yes.

-I need the money.

-Well, you play Count de Basie.

-A one-two-three-four.

-I think he'll be very good.

-One of the finest men you've had.

-He'll be excellent.

-Eric!

-Yes?

-Are you partaking of intoxicating liquor?

-No. Rheumatism. I can't bend my elbow.

-I can't do that. Not with that arm.

-No.

-I can't with that arm either.

-Francis, have you read my play?

-No. My wife read it to me in bed.

It's funny you should say that. My wife and I have reached that stage as well.

-You can't have everything in life...and I never did.

-What did your wife...?

-What did...?

-That was an extra one.

-Did your wife like my play?

-She said if I took part in it I'd be demeaning myself.

-Isn't that nice?

-He's doing it again!

-Francis, are you a hard drinker?

-No, I find it very easy.

-I wish I'd thought of that.

-If I could tell you about my play. It's an historical play.

-Why are we doing it on a...?

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

-Why are we doing it on a revolving stage?

-Why are we doing it on a revolving stage?

-What?

-Why is your speech slurred?

-The floor's slippery.

-This is not a revolving stage!

-It feels like it.

-Slippery! Did you hear that? Hello!

-Let me get on.

-I'm ready when you are.

-That's the spirit.

-Good idea, spirit.

-Help yourself.

-Thank you.

"That's Entertainment" RECORDING IS SPEEDED UP

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Please, please.

Our next guest star is one of the most popular actresses on TV today.

-Here she is, Miss Penelope Keith!

-Hey-hey-hey! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

APPLAUSE

Penelope, it's great to have you on the show. We're really thrilled, aren't we, Eric?

Thank you very much, Kermit.

It's like being on the puppet show.

Muppet!

No, dear, puppet.

-Penelope, it is a unique honour...

-I'd rather you didn't kiss my hand. It's frightfully unhygienic.

Well, that's put the blocks on what I had in mind.

If you do this show, if you do his play, you would end up in the series.

-I'm in a series.

-Two minutes with me and you've got your own series! Can I introduce you...?

-I know him.

How are you, Derek?

-About your play, Mr Wise...

-Ah, yes. It's a sad, romantic play.

-It's about the beautiful Roxanne and a poet who's madly in love with her, a fellow with a big hooter.

-Ah.

That part's going to be played by Derek?

-She keeps calling me Derek!

-It will be an honour to work with you, Derek.

It's a pleasure and an honour to work with you, Penelope.

-Have you seen any of my plays on television?

-I did once catch a tiny glimpse of one of your plays.

-I'm afraid I found it rather violent.

-Violent ?!

-What do you mean?

-It was just a tiny glimpse, you see, and all I saw was this.

-HE does that to ME.

-Oh, yes.

I see. So perhaps... had some meaning, Derek?

She's hitting me and calling me Derek now.

-I couldn't understand what slapping Derek's face had to do with the play.

-My name is Eric.

Oh, I AM sorry, Mr Moron. All I saw was...

-Don't! No!

-You could be right.

-Be nice to the lady.

-Be nice and charming. She's a lady.

-I will.

-About my play, Penelope...

-I don't want to do it.

You don't want to...

-I want to do what the other lady stars did, like Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson.

-We're past that age.

-My legs have gone.

-His legs have gone.

-No...

-Well, one of them has.

-I want to walk down a staircase, a very glamorous staircase.

-Ah!

-Ah!

-That could be.

-No.

-Have we got a cairstase?

-We haven't got a staircase.

-We could get you a staircase later.

-It can be arranged.

If you will do my play, then you can walk down the stairs like the Hollywood stars. OK?

-If I do your play, it will cost you extra money.

-Ah.

-It's a bit difficult.

-Got some up there?

-No.

-Extra money, well... You see this fiver?

-Yes.

-After you've done my play, I'll show it to you again.

-We can't be fairer than that.

-Then I walk down the staircase?

-Ready when you are.

-Come this way.

Come along, Derek.

"That's Entertainment" IS PLAYED VERY FAST

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

What will happen when the beautiful Roxanne arrives? I love her so much.

-Luckily, here comes my friend Cyrano de Bergerac.

-"HORSES HOOVES" CLATTER

BRAKES SCREECH

MUSIC: "The Generation Game" theme

Look what they did to my nose!

-If I sneeze now, I could blow me hat off.

-Oh, really?

If it rains, I could drown!

-However, I always carry a spare.

-A spare?

-Yes.

I'll have the same as him only slower. Look - a Chinese noseaway.

That'll be all right once it's run in.

-Has the beautiful Roxanne arrived?

-About five minutes ago with that blackguard Count de Basey.

A one-two, a one-two-three-four.

-I don't like him.

-No.

-He made fun of my nose.

-Don't let him do that.

If it wasn't for this I'd be able to tell Roxanne how much I love her.

-I can't believe it. He also loves Roxanne.

-Yes, I know.

-Go and get the tickets.

-Leave him alone.

What have you got for me?

-I've got two in the circle.

-I had noticed.

-I could let you have one in the stalls.

-They all say that!

-I can give you two in a box.

-There's a novelty.

-Hurry up!

My name is Cyrano, a swordsman and poet.

My words give the ladies a thrill. And now I'd like your assistance 'cos my nose is stuck in this grill.

-Thank you.

-They've gone to the box. We must follow them.

-Of course.

Disgusting.

There's a bum show on here next week.

Looks like Kojak with a deep frown.

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA STARTS TO PLAY

That young man in the orchestra.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Yes? What about him?

-Is his hand cold?

-I don't think so.

Then why has he shoved it up his bugle?

-It is a French horn. He 'as to play it with 'is 'and up it.

-Oh, I see.

-I suppose that's because he can't reach it with his foot.

-Oh-ho!

Zis girl, she is a beautiful dancer.

-Have you seen her Giselle?

-I tried to once but I hurt my neck.

Argh!

Mademoiselle...

Please, remain on your knees.

You look like a pint of milk.

Mademoiselle Roxanne, I saw you at ze theatre last night and...

..fell instantly in love with me because never before had you seen so beautiful a woman. Pour me a drink.

But of course.

Aha! I've got a Hock.

Well, put your head between your knees

and don't forget to close your eyes. You're a big boy now.

Ah, but, mademoiselle, I am so unworthy of you.

How very true. Come in!

LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mademoiselle Roxanne!

-How quaint. This one's already on his knees.

-The meter is under the stairs.

-I'm not the meter reader. Remember, I was at the theatre last night?

-Yes, I remember.

-She remembers me!

-Mademoiselle, I don't know how to say I love you!

-Try.

-Try?

-I love Roxanne! I'll have your life.

You won't. I haven't finished with it yet!

-You wouldn't say that if my friend Cyrano de Bergerac was here!

-Is he coming here?

-He's a great swordsman.

-And he 'as a big 'ooter.

-Why is the silly creature coming here?

-I don't know but here he comes now.

'Evening, all. Sorry I'm late. I've just been to the optician's and he said he couldn't see me.

-Roxanne...as beautiful as ever.

-Thank you. She's there.

-Has this accident been reported?

Madame, you're beautiful.

Just how did your nose get so long?

It was where my nanny used to lift me out of the bath.

It could have been worse.

Or better.

-Roxanne...I love you.

-Roxanne, I love you.

I love you, Roxanne, but alas you are only a child.

On my last birthday cake, there were 21 candles, weren't there?

-There was on my slice.

-You bounder!

It's the way he tells 'em!

-Perhaps you would like to feel ze edge of my blade.

-I'm ready when you are, Mr Wilkinson.

-You long-nosed fool!

-NOBODY calls me a long-nosed fool.

-Don't let him insult your conk.

-Nobody insults this and gets away with it.

-NOBODY makes nasty remarks about his snitch.

-Yes.

-You must have satisfaction.

-You're very kind but I'll see to him first.

-I'll deal with this Nancy-boy.

-Ho-ho-ho-ho.

-It's the way he walks.

You coward!

BOTH: Thrust, parry.

-Laurel!

-Hardy! Little and Large!

-Argh!

Oh!

-Is he dead?

-No, no, he always looks like that.

-Oh, excuse me!

-Certainly.

Oh-h!

-Mademoiselle, I throw myself at your feet.

-I should like that.

It's not fair. He'd be there before me.

-Are you looking at my legs?

-No. I'm above that.

-What would I have to give you for a little kiss?

-Chloroform.

-Mademoiselle, everything I have is yours.

-Would you like to buy a magnifying glass?

-Where did you get those beautiful eyes?

-They came with the face.

-It's a beautiful perfume. What is it?

-£20 an ounce.

-Smell that.

-What's that?

-Gravy. 20p a gallon.

Oh!

I want a man who's strong as a lion, extremely handsome and as wise as Solomon.

Lucky we met.

-If I married you, what would happen when I reached forty?

-I'd change you for two twenties.

-Would you like a little drink?

-I'll help myself to a lager.

-They're all at it, you know.

-Yes.

Is it Harp?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS HIS WORDS

-This is the beer that reaches parts other beers can't reach.

-You've had 4 pints.

-It's still not got there.

-However...will you love me...when I'm old and ugly?

-Of course I do.

-That's not what I said.

-I'm going home.

-Yes, I don't blame you.

-Your cheque's in the post.

-Sit down. Take the weight off your nose.

-#

-Look at you.

-Look at me.

-Wish that we could always be

-..so young

-#

-So gay.

-That's him...today.

-#

-Look ahead

-Can't you see...

-#

-..what our future's going to be?

-#

-When I'm not young

-And he's not gay

-#

-To me he'll always seem that way

-#

-Some day your figure is bound to spread

# Your fallen arches will drop like lead

-#

-You'll find your beautiful smile has fled

-No hair on top of your shiny head

-#

-Don't let the wrinkles upset you

-I'll still be happy I met you

# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-ove.

-#

-Some day you're gonna have chins to spare

-#

-Where are the muscles that once were there?

-#

-You'll sit and rock in your rockin' chair

-Gosh, you'll be a gruesome pair

# Though you're a physical wreck, dear, I'll still be happy to neck, dear

# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-ove. #

DEEP VOICE Despite the fake leg.

# Some day your memory's gonna fail You'll be exhausted when you inhale

-#

-You'll need bifocals to read the mail

# I'll find your jokes a wee bit stale

-#

-Called June and look like December

-It's May, I'm gonna remember

# You will always be my turtle do-ve

-# It's me for you

-And you for me,

-Collecting social security. #

-Mouche!

-# Darn it, baby, that's... #

-Mouche!

-# Darn it, baby, that's... #

-Halt!

# Darn it, baby, that's lo-o-o-ove. #

APPLAUSE

Now can I do the staircase?

-You promised that I could walk down the staircase like they do in Hollywood.

-Yes.

-Hollywood?

-Yes.

-Not Cricklewood?

-No, Hollywood.

-It's been arranged, hasn't it?

-Ready when you are.

-Step this way.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

ORCHESTRA IS PLAYING

-I can't get down there. I suffer from vertigo.

-She suffers from vertigo. That's wind, isn't it?

I don't like heights.

-If you get down there, and I'll come down and she'll climb down.

-I can't climb down in this dress.

My hand! Where is it? It's where it shouldn't be.

-I can't climb down in this dress.

-Do something with it.

-It's been specially made.

-I know.

-If you just climb down here.

-I really don't like heights at all.

-Now, can you get that leg down?

-I'll hold on to her.

-Dignity at all times.

-Yes.

This one...

Where's my hand?

Lovely...oh!

-Yes, fine. How are we doing now?

-I've got you.

There we are. Right.

-I don't think...

-Yes...

Keep smiling.

Now...let's go forward.

-I've had enough of this.

-Had enough?

-Yes, I have. I'm going home.

-What did we do wrong?

-Who's upset Penelope?

-I don't know.

-Something's upset her.

-She did the walk down the stairs.

-Dignity.

-Yes.

-Gently.

# Bring me sunshine...in your smile

# Bring me laughter...all the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give

# To each brand new, bright tomorrow

# Make me happy...through the years

# Never bring me...any tears

# Let your arms be as warm

# As the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine

# Bring me lo-o-o-ove. #

Subtitles by Dorothy Moore BBC Scotland 1993

RADIO ON

# Something in the way she moves

# Attracts me like no other lover

# Something in her style that shows me

# I don't want to leave her now

# You know I believe and how... #

Excuse me, ladies.

# Do stick around now it may show... #

Yes?

Can I have a word with you?

-Turn that rubbish off.

-RADIO OFF

-It's Elton John.

-Eh?

-I'm supposed to be doing the Morecambe and Wise Show.

-They're finished.

-We're the cleaners. The whole thing's finished. They've gone.

-No, I'm doing the show.

-You're too late.

-They've all gone. The show's over. The one with the glasses was marvellous!

I liked the little one. They didn't do one joke about Des O'Connor.

-But they promised me I was going to be on the show.

-Oh, well, take it up with them.

-I was going to do a new song.

-Really?

-They wouldn't do that to me, would they?

-I don't know them that well.

-We just clean, you see.

Well, I might as well do it. Do you want to hear a song?

-I've been all over the place.

-In that suit?

-#

-Oh, my love

-#

-I have cursed the stars above

-#

-That led my heart to you

-#

-But as hard as I try

-#

-Still my love will not die

-#

-And the stars still shine on through

-#

-And the stars still shine on through

-#

-Oh, my dear,

-#

-Now the ship's too hard to steer

-#

-The tide has turned, turned on you

-#

-I have been through the lies

-#

-That I've seen in your eyes

-#

-But the truth, it still shines on through

-#

-But the truth, it still shines on through

-#

-So shine, shine on through

-#

-The time we have to fill

-#

-Though we took our love so daringly

-#

-And gave it up uncaringly

-#

-There are feelings left Not even we can kill

-#

-Oh-h...

-#

-Oh, my friend

-#

-So at last we reach the end

-#

-The lights go down on cue

-#

-I have wasted my time

-#

-But it tasted oh so fine

-#

-That my love still shines on through

-#

-But my love still shines, shines on through

-#

-Still shines, shines on throu-ou-ough.

-#

That was what I was going to sing on the Morecambe and Wise Show.

It's a good job you didn't.

-Come on, we'd better get to...

-LOUD SNEEZE