Browse content similar to The One Ronnie. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Harry Enfield, Jon Culshaw, | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
Catherine Tate, | 0:00:03 | 0:00:05 | |
Richard Wilson, | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
James Corden, | 0:00:07 | 0:00:08 | |
Rob Brydon, | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
Miranda Hart, | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
Matt Lucas, | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
Robert Lindsay, | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
Jocelyn Jee Esien, | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
David Walliams | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
and Charlotte Church in... | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
And here he is! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Ronnie Corbett! | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
Oh, dear! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:50 | |
Thank you very much, thank you very much. Oh, dear! Thought I'd never get here. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
Anyway... No, I keep fitter than you think, you know. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:02 | |
To be honest, I have my own treadmill at home. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
I'm only doing widths at the moment. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Welcome anyway...welcome to this very special birthday show. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
I must say it's given me quite a thrill to be back here at the BBC. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:20 | |
By the way, there was a disaster in the West End tonight... you may have heard, | 0:01:20 | 0:01:25 | |
when Wasps, The Musical opened | 0:01:25 | 0:01:29 | |
and the entire cast got stuck behind the curtain. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
And it is rumoured...it is rumoured | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
that the publishers have recalled the long-awaited book on the history of Sellotape. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:44 | |
Apparently, no-one can find the beginning. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Anyway... | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
a grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, | 0:01:54 | 0:02:00 | |
two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
Now, his family have made an emotional appeal for him | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
not to come home for at least a fortnight. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
Thank you. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
I bought something from you last week and I'm very disappointed. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
-Oh, yeah? What's the problem? -Yeah, well... | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
my blackberry is not working. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
What's the matter, then? Run out of juice? | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
No, no, it's completely frozen... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Oh, yeah, I can see that. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
I'll tell you what, let's try it on orange. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
That's got a few black spots, you see there? | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Oh, dear, yeah. Sorry about that. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
Are you going to get my blackberry working? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
Well, it could be an application issue. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Where do you store that blackberry? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Well, it's on my desktop. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Well, you could try using a mouse to drag the blackberry to the trash. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
Then, after you've done that, you might want to launch the blackberry from the desktop. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:23 | |
Well, I've already tried that a few times. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
I mean, all it did was mess up windows. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Well, it might be worth waiting a couple of weeks. They've got the latest blackberries coming in then. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
Could you give me a date? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
Certainly. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Let me put that date in my diary. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Anything else I can help you with? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Yes, yes...I've also got a problem, to be honest...with my apple. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
-Oh, dear, oh, dear! That is an old apple, isn't it? -Yeah. -When d'you buy that? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:57 | |
-Last week. -Last week? They've brought out two new apples since then! | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
-What's the problem with it? -Well, I tried to put my dongle in it and it won't fit. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:08 | |
Oh, yeah? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
And how big's your dongle? | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
Well, I don't know much about these things, | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
but my wife's seen a few dongles in her time... | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
..and she says a little bit on the small side. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
I'm afraid there's not a lot I can do about that. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Tell you what... let me try booting it. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
SMASH! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
That is crashed! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
Anything else I can help you with? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
-Well, funnily enough, yes. It's my grandson's birthday soon. -Oh, yeah? | 0:04:46 | 0:04:51 | |
Now he's already got an apple and a blackberry. I mean, have you got anything that he might just like? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:56 | |
Well, we're doing a special offer on these. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
I mean, I can't make head or tail of them. But the kids seem to like them. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
-Oh, yeah? -Eggs-box. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
3.60. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
Hello, Bert, what are you having? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Hello, Sue. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
Er, I'm going to have half... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Half of bitter? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
No, er...half of... | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
-Half of mild? -No, half... | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
No, no, half of lager for me, thanks. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
So... | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
what's happened to you, then? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
I was sat at home last night with my... | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
-Girlfriend? -No, no, with my... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Boyfriend? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
No! With my wife. And we both felt... | 0:05:38 | 0:05:43 | |
Frisky? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
No, no, we both felt...er... | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Like a natural woman? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
No, bored! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
So we thought we'd put on... we'd put on... | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
Put on the oven? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:56 | |
No, put on... | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
Some lederhosen? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
No, put on the television, so we put it on. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Unfortunately, the only thing we could get was that awful... | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Jeremy Kyle! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
No, no, that awful... | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Jeremy Clarkson! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
No, that awful snow you get... | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
-Jon Snow. -No, no, no, no, no. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
-Peter Snow. -No. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
No, the snow you get, you know, on the screen, you know, when you can't get any... | 0:06:20 | 0:06:25 | |
When you just can't get any! | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
No! | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
No, when you can't get any picture! | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
-Oh, right! -Yeah. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
So I got out my... | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
Your magic wand? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
No, I got out my... | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
Your turkey baster! | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
No, no, I got out my... | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Tiny mind? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:45 | |
No, no, I got out my ladder, didn't I? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Oh, your ladder, yeah! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
I needed to fix the... | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Outcome of the cricket match. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
No... No, I needed to fix the aerial, you see, didn't I? | 0:06:56 | 0:07:01 | |
The aerial? Well, yeah, you've got to fix the aerial. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
But while I was on the roof, I slipped and fell on... | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
-Your sword? -No, I slipped and fell on... | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
-Hard times? -No, I slipped and fell | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
on the ground and felt this terrible pain and realised I'd broken... | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
-A record? -No, I'd broken... -Wind? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:22 | |
No, I'd broken me arm! | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Oh? So you tried to fix the telly, fell off the roof and broke your arm? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
-Yeah! -Well, why didn't you just say? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Well, I would've done if you'd just let me finish my... | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
-First novel? -No. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
-Difficult second album? -No. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
Degree in sports psychology? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
No, no... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Loft conversion? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:43 | |
No! | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
Sentences! I would have got there quicker if you'd just let me finish my own sentences. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
I didn't say a word! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Oh...thank you. Thank you. More than I deserve. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Now, my first guest tonight is the somewhat controversial explorer, welcome, please, Sir Hilary Bray! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:17 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Please. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
So... | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
So, Sir Hilary... welcome to the show. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Well, thank you very much, Parkinson. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
If I may say, my new book, I Went To The North Pole, | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
is available now in hardback from all good bookshops everywhere. Has everyone got a good look at it? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:46 | |
Yes, yes, I'm sure we've all seen the book. So, Sir Hilary, you've just returned from the North Pole. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:53 | |
Yes, indeed, yes. It was absolutely freezing. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
Really, really nippy. You know, you had to wrap up. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
I see. So, I mean, how cold exactly was it? | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
It was colder even than when you go past the ice-cream section of Waitrose, you know. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
Oh, very cold! | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
So, tell me, how did you survive there? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
Well, you see, there's no shops. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
I mean, no shops at all. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
I think the nearest Tesco's... | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
was about a couple of hours away by husky, | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
so I had to bring my own packed lunch. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
A packed lunch? Well, you see, Sir Hilary, I'm not sure whether you went to the North Pole at all. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:37 | |
How dare you? I mean, look! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
There's pictures here to prove that I really went. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
Look at that! | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
You see, it looks to me like you've made the whole thing up in order to sell your book. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:50 | |
Well, that is outrageous! Of course I went to the North Pole. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:54 | |
And you can read about my trip in the book, | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
-priced just £14.99! -I'm not going to be part of this charade any more! | 0:09:56 | 0:10:01 | |
You are quite clearly a fraud who is here just to sell something! | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
Which you can read about in my new book | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
My Worst Ever Guests by Sir Michael Parkinson! | 0:10:06 | 0:10:11 | |
Well, it seems to me that you are the one who wants to sell something as well... | 0:10:11 | 0:10:16 | |
as you can read in my new book | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Michael Parkinson Just Wants To Sell You A Book. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
No, no, no, you are quite wrong. Otherwise why would I have written this new book... | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
Don't Listen To Him. I Know My Last Book Was A Bit Of A Cash-In But This Really Is A Good Book. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:32 | |
Well, how about this? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Michael Parkinson Drinks Like A Fish And He Made A Pass At Me In The Dressing Room. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:40 | |
Well, I go on to talk about that at length in my newest book... | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
I'm Very Sorry. I Had Too Much Wine And Mistook Him For Lulu. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
Well, that, thankfully, is all we've got time for. Until next time, a very good night. Good night. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Big Joe? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
I haven't seen you in 25 years. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
We're getting the band back together. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:11 | |
Who's in? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Stevie, Jo-Jo, Dermo... | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Timmy P, Curly, Lenny the Leg... | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
Margaret Simmons, Nobbo, Dr Rock... | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
..Steve the Sting, Mr Pickles, Mummy, the Captain, Piercey, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
Metal Mickey, Bony Bill, Smudger, Rocky, Nazi Eric, | 0:11:28 | 0:11:33 | |
Ginger Nut, Gary the Glue... | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Outside Dave, Inside Dave, | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
The Thing, Nicky 42, The Duke, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
Fat Tony, Thin Tony, | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
Middle-Sized Tony... | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
..Bed Bath, Filthy Phil, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Mental Ken, Flaky, Black Bob, Lord Sugar... | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Charlie the Chuckle, The Gambler, Abbey Norman, Coins, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:55 | |
The Baby, Thumbnails, Frogger, The Tank... | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Wet Patch... | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
..Barry the Bum, Zod, Hannah and her sisters, | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
Supergran, The Horse Whisperer, Popeye, Dick The Duck, | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
Armpits, Big Dipper, Oily, Transgender Terry, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
Mr Person, Wee Willie Winkie, Tommy the Turd | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
and Bob. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Are you in? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
No, it's either the whole band or nothing. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
-APPLAUSE -Thank you very much. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Ron Knuckles was buried today at a service attended by the criminal underworld. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:38 | |
As a mark of respect, the ceremony ended with two minutes' violence. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Now, by the way, we have heard today that Britain's most absent-minded man | 0:12:45 | 0:12:51 | |
received a nasty bump on the head | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
after he dashed upstairs and realised he'd forgotten something. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
He'd forgotten he lived in a bungalow. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
Now... | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
This is such a sweet story... | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
A man from Dagenham, by the way, has named his son | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
TGF 308F. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
He said he may not be rich, | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo | 0:13:16 | 0:13:21 | |
at least he'll have his own personalised number plate. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
So sorry I'm late. Asda was heaving. I got some fancy fondants for tea. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:42 | |
It's not what you think. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
Really? Because it looks like you're cheating on me! | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Yes, I can explain. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
Are you trading me in for a younger model? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Well, not younger so much as, er, bigger. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
I knew you were up to something. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
but all the other mad scientists are laughing at me! | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
"Ooh, here comes Dr Frankenstein and his itsy-bitsy monster!" | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
It's not my fault that I'm small! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
I'm not the one who cobbled me together from bits and bobs! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:14 | |
I mean, you could have picked bigger bits and bobs! | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
Yes, but I mean... it's not just your size, is it? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
Do tell! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Well, you're...you're just so...nice. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
What's wrong with being nice? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
You're not supposed to be nice! You're a monster! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
You're supposed to spend your time terrifying people, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
not indulging your passion for interior design! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Are you still upset about the curtains? | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Yes, I am still upset about the curtains! | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
You're a rubbish monster! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:47 | |
My new monster will be terrifying. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
-Not going to ruin my curtains, is it? -Silence! | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
The time has come! | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
Live, monster! | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Live! | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Behold! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Pure evil! | 0:15:06 | 0:15:07 | |
What a bad lad! | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Oh, I love those curtains! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
Do you? I made them myself! | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Oh, you busy-fingers! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
You know what this place is crying out for? Scatter cushions! | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
-Don't think I haven't told him! -Can you do this? | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
Ye gods, what have I done? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Oh! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
We should be on Strictly! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
Good morning! | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
Er, good afternoon. It is actually 12.01. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
I have a question with regard to your biscuits. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
Certainly. I baked them myself this morning. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
-I'm allergic to nuts. Are there any nuts in the biscuits? -No, just butter, flour, sugar and water. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:57 | |
-Could any nuts have got into the biscuit mix? -No. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
I mean, had you been handling any nuts before you made the biscuits? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
No. In fact, my husband passed away last year. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
Edible nuts? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:11 | |
Not today, no. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:14 | |
Did anyone walk past the shop today holding a bag of nuts? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
Not that I recall, and I'm really not sure how that would affect the biscuits. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:24 | |
An owl or similar winged creature could have swooped down, seized a nut from a passing bag, | 0:16:24 | 0:16:29 | |
flown it into your preparation area | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
and dropped it in the biscuit mixture! I mean, did you think about that? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
No...but I think I would have noticed an owl. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:39 | |
OK, I'll...buy half a biscuit. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
We don't sell them in halves. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
I suppose I'll have to take a whole one. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Lovely. There. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Can you just, er...just try a little? | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
-You want me to take a bite? -Yes, please. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I'm not yet 100% satisfied that they are nut-free. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
No, I can't taste any. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Keep going, keep... | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
I can't taste any. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
You're not swallowing it properly. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
-I am! -No, you're not! | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
You're storing it in your cheeks like a lying squirrel! | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
Just finish it off for me, please. Thank you. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
OK. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:25 | |
Thank you. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
So, would you like to buy a biscuit? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
No, thank you. After all that, I'm completely full. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
Hello, and welcome to another edition of What?, | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
the game show that cuts to the chase. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
So, fingers on buzzers, let's play What?. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
And our first question is what? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
BUZZ! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
The Battle of Naseby. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
Breakdance 2 - Electric Boogaloo. Which? | 0:18:11 | 0:18:15 | |
BUZZ! | 0:18:16 | 0:18:17 | |
Is it Henry VI? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
No, Gary Barlow. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
-When? -BUZZ! | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
1066. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
No, close. 1067. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Oh, of course! | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
Where? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
BUZZ! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
The spleen. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:34 | |
No, the Roman city of Bath. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
Who? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
BUZZ! | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
Um... | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
-Oh... I'm sorry, it's gone. -OK, I can throw it over to Gillian. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
-Can I have the question again, please? -Certainly. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Who? | 0:18:52 | 0:18:53 | |
Is it Kirstie Allsopp? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
I can see what you were thinking, but no... | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
It was Mussolini. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
And at the end of that round, as usual, no-one's scored any points! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
Now before we go on to the next round, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
let's take a quick look at the leader board. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
As you can see, there's everything to play for. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
Ready? Fingers on buzzers. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
What? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
BUZZ! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:33 | |
Puccini's Madame Butterfly. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Is the right answer! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
Gillian, Gillian, well done! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
That is the first point anyone's scored in 22 series of What?. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:49 | |
And that puts you at the top of our leader board. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
So, Steven, you have everything to play for as we go into the final round, | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
which, of course, is the quick-fire round...and off we go. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:07 | |
What? | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
SIREN | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
That is the end of the round | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
which means it's the end of the quiz | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
which means that the winner today is Gillian with a record high score of 1 point. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
And what do points mean, of course? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
Pounds! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
-So you win a pound. -Thank you. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
And, Steven, you don't go home empty-handed... | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
you get a nice peppermint. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Just the one, you know. There we are. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
Join us next time for another thrilling edition of What?. Good night. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:46 | |
What are...what are you planning to do with your pound? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
Well, I'm going to pay off the mortgage... | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
I'm going to take Mother on holiday, she's been very ill. I'm going to buy a new car, | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
and with whatever's left I'm going to set up a charity for the children of the world. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
And you, Steven, what are you going to do with your peppermint? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
Suck it! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Hello, I don't think we've met. My name's Andrew, Andrew Wilson. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
Hello, I'm Nigel. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
-Nigel...? -Yes, that's right, Nigel. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Yes, but Nigel what? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
Sorry, my middle name? Well, since you ask, it's Godfrey. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
It's a bit embarrassing, I know, but there you are. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
-No, I'm sorry, I mean what's your surname. -Attenborough. So tell me... | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
-Attenborough? -Yes, that's right. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
You mean Attenborough as in...? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
Attenborough's Washing Machines of Stoke-on-Trent, absolutely. Yes, I'm pleased you've heard of us. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:34 | |
-No, I meant... -New and refurbished, we won't be beaten on price. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:39 | |
Well, good to know our fame is spreading anyway. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Sorry, I meant any relation to Richard and David? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Oh, for heaven's sake! Why does everyone ask me that? I mean, it's so tedious! | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
Attenborough's not all that uncommon a name, you know? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Is it really likely that I'd be related to them? | 0:21:51 | 0:21:55 | |
Oh. You're not, then? | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Well, yes, as it happens, I am. They're my brothers. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
-W-What? There's a third Attenborough brother? -Yes, there's a third Attenborough brother. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:06 | |
His name is David. It goes Richard, Nigel, David. I am the second Attenborough brother. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:12 | |
-Well, yes, but I suppose most people have heard of the other two. -Oh, really? | 0:22:12 | 0:22:16 | |
Well, then, most people have never shopped for a competitively priced washing machine | 0:22:16 | 0:22:20 | |
-in the Greater Stoke area. -Yes. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
It must be great to have such wonderful brothers. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
Oh, well, they're not wonderful. They're evil! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
-Evil? -Oh, yes! I've seen David poke a tortoise with a stick when he thought no-one was looking. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:34 | |
-Really? -And I'm told Dickie put a contract out on Gandhi in 1948 | 0:22:34 | 0:22:40 | |
because he thought it would make a better ending if he ever made a film about him. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:45 | |
Yes, well, lovely to meet you, Michael. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Nigel! The name is Nigel Attenborough! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
Nigel Attenborough, and don't any of you ever forget it! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
Excuse me, er...we couldn't help overhear you yelling at that man. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
I'm sorry about that, totally inappropriate. I'm sorry. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:03 | |
No, no, we just wanted to say well done. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
This is Colin Dimbleby, I'm Tim Miliband. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
Brothers! | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Thank you very... You'll forgive me sitting down for a moment, I hope, won't you? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:19 | |
I'm still rather puffed out from blowing out my candles on my 80th birthday cake. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:25 | |
It took five-and-a-half hours... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
..with a little nap halfway through. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
What with that and the bumps, you know... | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
it was rather a strenuous afternoon. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
I scarcely had the energy for my traditional pub crawl and midnight kebab. Anyhow... | 0:23:40 | 0:23:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
But it was a lovely day, and I was terribly spoiled. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
I mean, my gorgeous granddaughter, Tiffany Bianca, sweet... | 0:23:52 | 0:23:57 | |
I know, it's a lovely name, isn't it? | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
Tiffany Bianca... She sweetly got me an app for my phone. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:05 | |
Now I'm sure you're aware phones can do almost anything these days, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
except, of course, persuade whichever department store | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
or utility company you happen to be phoning | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
to actually answer the damn thing. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
Don't get me started on phone queues or I shall go on all night... | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
Well, I shall probably go on all night, anyway. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
For goodness' sake, don't encourage me, | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
because I promised my great-granddaughter Beyonce Gaga... | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
..that I'd be home in time to read her a story. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
Actually, my family always complain that I'm extremely difficult to buy presents for. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:41 | |
Socks are, of course, the traditional default present for gentlemen of a certain age, | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
golfing socks, you know, in my case, which I can never get enough of, | 0:24:46 | 0:24:51 | |
but, as Anne points out, it's extremely difficult to get a really decent Argyll check | 0:24:51 | 0:24:58 | |
in the children's department. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
Yes, it won't surprise you to learn that I do have rather small feet. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:07 | |
Dainty, they've been called. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
Ballet dancer's feet. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
No, in fact, as a young man | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
I danced several leads for the Hibernian and Strathclyde Amateur Bowls and Ballet Society... | 0:25:14 | 0:25:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:20 | 0:25:21 | |
..until an unfortunate incident with a rather restrictive jockstrap put an end to a promising career. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:28 | |
I went from Sugar Plum Fairy to Nutcracker in one... | 0:25:30 | 0:25:34 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
..in one ill-judged leap. Oh, dear! | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
Of course, the very best present I got this year | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
was the BBC giving me this lovely special programme. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
Now, I don't get a lot of work these days, you see... | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
Even panto's dried up. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
As a juvenile, my Tinker Bell was a firm favourite... | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
..and in later years people would come from miles around to see me present my Dick, whi... | 0:26:02 | 0:26:08 | |
..which... No, stop it! Which is an old joke, I know. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
But then I'm a very old comic. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
So try to see laughing as Care In The Community. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
-LAUGHTER -Speaking... | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
speaking of ageing, the ironic thing is I feel I've sort of grown into these chair monologues of mine. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:31 | |
I mean, let's face it, what they consist of is me telling a story | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
while constantly losing my way and repeating myself, | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
which these days applies to pretty much everything I say. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
My whole life has become a Ronnie chair monologue, which is funny, isn't it? | 0:26:44 | 0:26:50 | |
Well, I hope it is funny! | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
Oh, dear! I'm beginning to sound like one of those grumpy old men, | 0:26:54 | 0:26:59 | |
and I'm not...I'm not. I've always tried to move with the times, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
which, of course, brings me back to Tiffany Bianca's lovely phone app, | 0:27:03 | 0:27:08 | |
which was, as she explained to me, a sat-nav device... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
with which I'd be able to find my way to anywhere I fancied in the whole world | 0:27:12 | 0:27:17 | |
just by consulting my telephone, which was lovely. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
And next year, | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
I'm hoping she'll get me a very long flex because currently... | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
..I can only get three yards from the hall skirting board... | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
..which is where my phone is plugged into the wall. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
So there you are, you have it all, and I should like, if I may, to conclude | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
by wishing a happy birthday to octogenarians everywhere. Thank you very much. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:46 | |
I'm so sorry, Willy. No, they've put Free Willy 3 on hold. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:59 | |
WHALE SONG I know, I know, but listen... | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
I have a very nice offer from Strictly Come Dancing. Yeah, yeah. WHALE SONG | 0:28:02 | 0:28:06 | |
You will? That's lovely. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
Bye, Willy, bye. WHALE SONG | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
-BEEP! -'Lassie here to see you.' | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
Send him in. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
Oh, what a super surprise! | 0:28:19 | 0:28:23 | |
Hello, love. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
Sit! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:27 | |
Good boy. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:28 | |
-Doggy Choc? -No, thanks. I'm on a diet. | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
Ah, good for you! | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
How are you? | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Not great. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:38 | |
Getting a divorce. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
Oh, I'm so sorry! | 0:28:40 | 0:28:42 | |
Bitch ran off with someone else. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:43 | |
Well, is there anything I can do? | 0:28:43 | 0:28:46 | |
Well, I'm going to be honest with you... | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
I do need to work. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
Got some great news. They are making another Lassie movie. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:55 | |
I've done 12 of the blasted things! I mean, I don't want to get typecast. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:59 | |
Why haven't you put me up for 103 Dalmatians? | 0:29:00 | 0:29:03 | |
Clue's in the title, love. | 0:29:03 | 0:29:04 | |
Are you saying I can only play a collie? | 0:29:04 | 0:29:09 | |
I'm... Yes. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
-Well, that's racist. -There's plenty of work out there, plenty of work! I've got... | 0:29:11 | 0:29:15 | |
Ah! Hey, I've got a nice advert for Pedigree Chum. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:19 | |
I've told you, I don't do commercials! | 0:29:19 | 0:29:22 | |
I'm a serious actor. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:24 | |
It's a very good deal. There's two packets of dog biscuits in it, | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
there's a chewed-up tennis ball and they're willing to even throw in a stick! | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
Why do I always have to play the dog? | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
I mean, did you put me up for King Lear at the RSC? | 0:29:34 | 0:29:36 | |
I did, I did! Hey, you came very close! | 0:29:36 | 0:29:40 | |
You came...ooh...a hair's breadth... | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
It went, in the end, to Sir Ian McKellen. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:45 | |
Her again! So you haven't got a thing for me? | 0:29:45 | 0:29:49 | |
No. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
Well, I'm obviously wasting my time here. Goodbye. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:56 | |
The problem is, my dear, that people do think... | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
..you're difficult. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
Honestly, you pee on one director's leg and you get a reputation! | 0:30:01 | 0:30:05 | |
-This is an awfully nice place. Is it new? -Yes. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
Used to be an optician's. Do you know, I think the same chap still runs it. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:19 | |
-Good evening. -Oh. -Hello. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:21 | |
Nice to see you. Would you like to see the menu? | 0:30:21 | 0:30:24 | |
Oh, yes, please. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:26 | |
Nice man. | 0:30:26 | 0:30:27 | |
Would you like to read the menu? | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
I'm sorry, could you bring it a little closer? | 0:30:31 | 0:30:34 | |
Afraid not. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:35 | |
Well, I can only see soup and steak from here, so I suppose I'll go for the soup. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:41 | |
Very interesting. And, sir...? | 0:30:41 | 0:30:43 | |
Er...well, yes, I suppose I'll go for the steak, please. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
Excellent choice. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
Rather peculiar. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:51 | |
There we are. Thank you very much. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:54 | |
-Sorry, could you tell me what's in this soup? -Er... | 0:30:55 | 0:30:58 | |
I'm sorry... | 0:30:58 | 0:31:00 | |
I'm sorry. Would you mind holding it still so I can... | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
Keep it still. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:04 | |
Um, that is cabbage and broccoli. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:07 | |
-Oh, no, I don't like broccoli. -Oh? | 0:31:07 | 0:31:09 | |
Here we are. | 0:31:12 | 0:31:13 | |
Mushroom and walnut. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:15 | |
That better? | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
Or worse? | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
Better or worse? | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
-Better? -Er... -Or worse? | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
Better? Now does this make any difference? | 0:31:25 | 0:31:28 | |
-This seems better, thank you. -Excellent. | 0:31:29 | 0:31:32 | |
Madam, if you look straight ahead, would you tell me, | 0:31:35 | 0:31:38 | |
would you like some condiment in your soup? | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
What condiment? | 0:31:41 | 0:31:42 | |
No, no, no. Keep looking forward. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:45 | |
Can you tell me what condiment it is yet? | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
No. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:48 | |
-OK. How about now? -No. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
-What about now? -No. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
-And now? -OK, it's pepper. And, no, I don't want any pepper, thank you! | 0:31:53 | 0:31:57 | |
You haven't even offered us a drink yet! Can we have a bottle of white wine, please? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
Certainly, sir. Here we are. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:02 | |
-By the way, I must tell you something. -Yes? | 0:32:05 | 0:32:08 | |
You both need glasses. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:10 | |
Item number four. The repairs needed to fix the guttering on the roof of the church hall. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:22 | |
Now, the caretaker's been up, had a look at this | 0:32:22 | 0:32:25 | |
and the estimated cost of these repairs is going to be in the region of £65. | 0:32:25 | 0:32:32 | |
-Oh! -Thank you, Bill. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:35 | |
Now, does anyone have any ideas of how we can raise the funds to cover these costs? | 0:32:35 | 0:32:40 | |
What about a jumble sale? | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
Bit old hat. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:44 | |
How about a benefit concert in the scout hut starring Lady Gaga? | 0:32:44 | 0:32:50 | |
Yes, that's a great idea! Now, does anyone know a phone number for this Mrs Gaga? | 0:32:50 | 0:32:56 | |
Ted, you can look her up in the phone directory, see if she's listed, you know? | 0:32:57 | 0:33:02 | |
What will she be under? | 0:33:02 | 0:33:04 | |
-Gaga. -Gaga? | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
Of course, if we can't get Lady Gaga, there is always that Beyonce Knowles. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:12 | |
We could ask her to sing some of her hit songs, | 0:33:12 | 0:33:16 | |
then she could reform Destiny's Child and then maybe bake a cake which we could all raffle. | 0:33:16 | 0:33:22 | |
I think we're aiming a bit low. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
Why are we wasting our time with this Beyonce Knowles character? | 0:33:25 | 0:33:29 | |
I propose we go for JT himself, Justin Timberlake. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:33 | |
We could have Timbaland provide the beats | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
and Madonna could come on and they could sing their song 4 Minutes. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
Well, if Madonna's only going to do the one song, she could help me out on the hotdog stand... | 0:33:41 | 0:33:46 | |
she could fry the onions. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:47 | |
Yes, but whoever we get to sing, whether it's Beyonce, Timberlake, Madonna, 50 Cent, | 0:33:48 | 0:33:55 | |
Lil Wayne...Snoop... | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
..we need someone to introduce them. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:01 | |
How about that Nelson "Mandelar"? | 0:34:01 | 0:34:04 | |
-Too old. -Horrible shirts! -Oh! | 0:34:05 | 0:34:08 | |
-The Pope? -Now, is the Pope famous enough? | 0:34:10 | 0:34:13 | |
-President Obama? -Yes, that's a splendid idea! | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
So, President Obama to host and first choice to sing, Lady Gaga. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:23 | |
Oh, what if she's booked up? | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
Hang on a minute! Did I never mention that my nephew is the controversial rapper Eminem? | 0:34:25 | 0:34:31 | |
No, I don't think you did. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:34 | |
Let me give him a bell... see if he can help. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:37 | |
Hello? Eminem? | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
It's your Uncle Bill here. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:52 | |
How's your controversial rapping going? | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
Good. | 0:34:57 | 0:34:59 | |
Now, look, we're organising a charity concert | 0:34:59 | 0:35:02 | |
and we need a really big star. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:05 | |
Have you got a number for "Jay-Zed"? | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
Hello? | 0:35:10 | 0:35:12 | |
Hello! Hello? | 0:35:12 | 0:35:15 | |
-APPLAUSE -Thank you. | 0:35:15 | 0:35:16 | |
And now, please welcome one of my favourite singers. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:20 | |
I mean, I've known her since she was that high. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:23 | |
The lovely Charlotte Church. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:35:28 | 0:35:32 | |
# You got the wrong shoes, honey, the wrong size | 0:35:34 | 0:35:37 | |
# You wear the left foot on the right side | 0:35:39 | 0:35:42 | |
# You got a sad laugh, honey, when you cry | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
# You know the answer, still you ask why | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
# You ask why | 0:35:53 | 0:35:55 | |
# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night | 0:35:56 | 0:36:00 | |
# Painting pictures with the rain | 0:36:02 | 0:36:06 | |
# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream | 0:36:06 | 0:36:11 | |
# I'm a mixed-up girl | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
# In a logical world | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
# You got blue hair, honey, and blond eyes | 0:36:27 | 0:36:30 | |
# Shocks are boring but the day today's a surprise | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
# You go real low, honey, when you get high | 0:36:37 | 0:36:41 | |
# You give a warm welcome with that goodbye | 0:36:42 | 0:36:46 | |
# When you say goodbye | 0:36:46 | 0:36:50 | |
# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night | 0:36:50 | 0:36:55 | |
# Painting pictures with the rain | 0:36:55 | 0:37:00 | |
# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream | 0:37:00 | 0:37:04 | |
# Here with the wrong size | 0:37:05 | 0:37:08 | |
# Here with the blond eyes | 0:37:08 | 0:37:11 | |
# I laugh when I cry I'm the one who's asking why | 0:37:11 | 0:37:16 | |
# I get high when I get low and I just want to show | 0:37:16 | 0:37:20 | |
# I'm a logical girl in a mixed-up world | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
# Mixed-up world | 0:37:24 | 0:37:27 | |
# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night | 0:37:28 | 0:37:32 | |
# Painting pictures with the rain | 0:37:34 | 0:37:38 | |
# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream | 0:37:38 | 0:37:43 | |
# I'm a mixed-up girl | 0:37:43 | 0:37:45 | |
# In a logical world | 0:37:45 | 0:37:48 | |
# I've been walking the sunshine in the middle of the night | 0:37:48 | 0:37:53 | |
# I've been watching my pictures fade away in the rain | 0:37:53 | 0:37:58 | |
# I've been dreaming of real life and living out a dream | 0:37:59 | 0:38:03 | |
# I'm a mixed-up girl | 0:38:03 | 0:38:06 | |
# In a logical world | 0:38:06 | 0:38:08 | |
# I'm a mixed-up girl | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
# I'm a mixed-up girl. # | 0:38:11 | 0:38:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:15 | 0:38:19 | |
'Meanwhile, crime-fighting superhero Wonderman is expecting a visit.' | 0:38:20 | 0:38:25 | |
KNOCKING | 0:38:25 | 0:38:26 | |
Who is it? | 0:38:26 | 0:38:28 | |
It's Powerboy! | 0:38:28 | 0:38:29 | |
Come in! | 0:38:29 | 0:38:30 | |
You wanted to see me, Wonderman? | 0:38:35 | 0:38:37 | |
What's that? | 0:38:37 | 0:38:38 | |
It's my superscooter. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
My knees are giving me a bit of trouble. | 0:38:41 | 0:38:44 | |
Well...you're getting quite old now, aren't you, Powerboy? | 0:38:45 | 0:38:48 | |
-Well, we can't all be immortal like you, Wonderman! -Sadly not, | 0:38:48 | 0:38:52 | |
but, when you applied for this job, it did say "immortal" on your CV! | 0:38:52 | 0:38:55 | |
It said, "I'm mortal", it was just badly punctuated. | 0:38:55 | 0:39:00 | |
Remind me...how long have you been working for me now? | 0:39:00 | 0:39:04 | |
-65 glorious years. -I bet you're getting a bit bored of being a superhero now, aren't you? | 0:39:04 | 0:39:10 | |
-Not at all! -Yeah, but there must be times when you think, | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
"I'm 80 years old! I should be taking it easy, doing some gardening or going on a cruise." | 0:39:13 | 0:39:18 | |
No, never. | 0:39:18 | 0:39:20 | |
This isn't easy to say, but... | 0:39:23 | 0:39:25 | |
..I really think it's time you...retired. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:32 | |
Retired? But I'm Powerboy! | 0:39:32 | 0:39:35 | |
Exactly, PowerBOY! You haven't been a boy since the 1930s! | 0:39:35 | 0:39:39 | |
Power-mature-gentleman? | 0:39:40 | 0:39:42 | |
No... Look, I'm sorry. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
You're just too old. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
It's time you hung up your cape. | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
-I've still got years in me. -Really? | 0:39:49 | 0:39:51 | |
What about last week when we were battling Professor Terror on the top of that skyscraper? | 0:39:51 | 0:39:55 | |
-What happened? -Well, I had to pop down to use the bathroom. | 0:39:55 | 0:39:58 | |
My bladder isn't what it was! | 0:39:59 | 0:40:01 | |
I'm sorry, Powerboy, but...it's time to call it quits. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:05 | |
-You won't last a minute on your own. -I think I'll be fine! | 0:40:05 | 0:40:08 | |
Even when you're forced to do battle | 0:40:08 | 0:40:10 | |
with the Basket? | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
TOOT-TOOT! | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
What are you doing? | 0:40:15 | 0:40:16 | |
Tremble with fear, the Basket is here! | 0:40:16 | 0:40:19 | |
TOOT-TOOT! | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
-Are you serious? -Deadly serious. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:24 | |
If I can't be with you, then I shall be against you! | 0:40:24 | 0:40:27 | |
Henceforth I shall devote myself to evil! | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
We will battle for supremacy of the earth! Farewell for now! | 0:40:30 | 0:40:35 | |
SCOOTER STARTS AND STOPS | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
Battery's dead. Can you plug me in? | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
How long does it take to...? | 0:40:51 | 0:40:54 | |
Six hours. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:55 | |
I'm going to pop out and get some lunch. Do you want any? | 0:40:57 | 0:40:59 | |
No, I've brought a sandwich, actually. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:03 | |
Well, I don't know what Strauss and Pietersen use on their cricket bats, | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
I suppose it's all changed these days. But I'm a great believer in linseed oil. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:15 | |
Good heavens! Is he still around? | 0:41:15 | 0:41:17 | |
-I beg your pardon? -Lindsay Doyle. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:20 | |
I think there's been some slight misunderstanding. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:23 | |
I'm talking about the use of linseed oil on cricket bats. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
What? Oh, I'm so sorry. Do continue, please. | 0:41:26 | 0:41:29 | |
Of course, our pitch is hardly ideal, but I'm determined, come hell or high water... | 0:41:30 | 0:41:35 | |
Camilla Highwater! How is she? She's a very, very dear friend of mine. | 0:41:35 | 0:41:41 | |
Look, if you don't very much mind, I'm addressing my remarks... | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
How do you do, Myra? May I call Myra? Miss Marx is so formal. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:48 | |
Any more you want to meet? | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
Annie Moore! Hello, Annie. Lovely to meet you, Annie. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:55 | |
Look, can't I say anything without reminding you of someone you know? | 0:41:55 | 0:41:59 | |
I'm sorry, I'm awfully sorry. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:01 | |
Never mind. | 0:42:01 | 0:42:02 | |
This is sangria, isn't it? It's quite a heady beverage. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:08 | |
"Eddie Beverage"? | 0:42:10 | 0:42:11 | |
Mind you, I'm the type that gets giddy on shandy. | 0:42:14 | 0:42:16 | |
"Gideon Shandy"? | 0:42:18 | 0:42:20 | |
I have to chose my words carefully. I can see more coming. | 0:42:22 | 0:42:25 | |
"Seymour Cumming"? | 0:42:27 | 0:42:28 | |
Where was I? Oh, yes...the pitch. | 0:42:32 | 0:42:35 | |
Would you believe, I caught some kid playing football on it the other day! I was forced to order him off it. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:41 | |
Audrey Moffat? Now, there's a name! | 0:42:41 | 0:42:44 | |
Look, considering all the friends we have in common we really ought to get together one evening. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:50 | |
How about tomorrow night? | 0:42:50 | 0:42:51 | |
Tamara Knight? Yes, I know her too. | 0:42:51 | 0:42:54 | |
She died last week. | 0:42:54 | 0:42:55 | |
-Surely not? -Shirley Knott was at the funeral! | 0:42:55 | 0:42:58 | |
Wait! It's Shirley Knott I'm having dinner with. | 0:42:58 | 0:43:02 | |
Known her for years. Used to spot her up at the club. | 0:43:02 | 0:43:05 | |
Eustace Potter? That's the man she's going to marry. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:07 | |
Well, I can see why. He's very well groomed. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:10 | |
-His hair's always very nattily done. -I forgot Natalie Dunn is a good hairdresser. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:14 | |
Trouble is she can't do anything without consulting her horoscope. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:18 | |
Horace Cope? That twit? Don't tell me she still moves in his moronic orbit! | 0:43:18 | 0:43:23 | |
Ronnie Corbett? Who's he? | 0:43:23 | 0:43:26 | |
ORGAN MUSIC | 0:43:30 | 0:43:33 | |
Hello. I'm Aled Jones. You remember? | 0:43:33 | 0:43:36 | |
# Walking in the air | 0:43:36 | 0:43:41 | |
# La-la-la...the sky... # | 0:43:41 | 0:43:46 | |
That was me. Anyway, I've gone all religious now and I'm presenting Songs Of Praise, | 0:43:46 | 0:43:51 | |
which this week comes to you from a little church in some village somewhere, | 0:43:51 | 0:43:55 | |
and there's all people inside, singing hymns and that. | 0:43:55 | 0:43:57 | |
And what a surprise! The church is full. Enjoy. | 0:43:57 | 0:44:01 | |
# All things bright and beautiful | 0:44:09 | 0:44:12 | |
# All creatures great and small | 0:44:12 | 0:44:16 | |
# All things wise and wonderful | 0:44:16 | 0:44:20 | |
# The Lord God made them all | 0:44:20 | 0:44:23 | |
# Don't give that cow a close-up | 0:44:23 | 0:44:28 | |
# Don't put her on a perch | 0:44:28 | 0:44:31 | |
# She's just here for the cameras | 0:44:31 | 0:44:35 | |
# She's never been to church | 0:44:35 | 0:44:38 | |
# Well, she's a non-believer | 0:44:41 | 0:44:45 | |
# She's a terrible ham actor | 0:44:45 | 0:44:48 | |
# You know she's only here | 0:44:48 | 0:44:52 | |
# Because she can't get on X Factor | 0:44:52 | 0:44:57 | |
# Don't listen to that harlot | 0:44:59 | 0:45:02 | |
# She's always trying it on | 0:45:02 | 0:45:06 | |
# She's had half the men in here | 0:45:06 | 0:45:10 | |
# Including Father John | 0:45:10 | 0:45:13 | |
# That one's got a blooming cheek | 0:45:16 | 0:45:20 | |
# She's busy throwing stones | 0:45:20 | 0:45:23 | |
# But she is only here | 0:45:23 | 0:45:27 | |
# Because she fancies Aled Jones... # | 0:45:27 | 0:45:31 | |
SHE MOUTHS | 0:45:31 | 0:45:33 | |
# If you're wondering who she is | 0:45:33 | 0:45:37 | |
# Well, I've got news for you | 0:45:37 | 0:45:41 | |
# You never see her here | 0:45:41 | 0:45:44 | |
# She's a practising Hindu | 0:45:44 | 0:45:49 | |
# All things bright and beautiful | 0:45:51 | 0:45:55 | |
# All creatures great and small | 0:45:55 | 0:45:58 | |
# To celebrate being on TV | 0:45:58 | 0:46:03 | |
# We're off on a pub crawl. # | 0:46:03 | 0:46:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:46:11 | 0:46:13 | |
Oh, dear! | 0:46:13 | 0:46:14 | |
Thank you very much. I hope you had a wonderful evening and enjoyed the show. | 0:46:15 | 0:46:20 | |
It's really been quite lovely. | 0:46:20 | 0:46:22 | |
For old times' sake, I would just like to say there's a police message that we have been asked to give you, | 0:46:22 | 0:46:27 | |
saying that a man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston Station this morning, | 0:46:27 | 0:46:33 | |
if he'd please go to the lost property office by platform 9 | 0:46:33 | 0:46:36 | |
where the man who found them has just been handed in. | 0:46:36 | 0:46:40 | |
And... Still... | 0:46:40 | 0:46:42 | |
there's been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester | 0:46:42 | 0:46:47 | |
whilst on the run last week. | 0:46:47 | 0:46:49 | |
His family said he'll soon be out on "bale". | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
-LAUGHTER -Oh, I know, I know... | 0:46:52 | 0:46:55 | |
And... | 0:46:59 | 0:47:00 | |
And sad news, of course, is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spencer P Dobson, | 0:47:01 | 0:47:09 | |
a famous compiler of crossword puzzles. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:13 | |
After a short service, he was buried 6 down and 3 across. | 0:47:13 | 0:47:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:47:17 | 0:47:18 | |
So it's good night from me. | 0:47:18 | 0:47:20 | |
I hope you enjoyed yourselves. God bless you. | 0:47:20 | 0:47:24 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:47:30 | 0:47:34 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:47:34 | 0:47:38 |