The One Ronnie The Ones


The One Ronnie

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Harry Enfield, Jon Culshaw,

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Catherine Tate,

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Richard Wilson,

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James Corden,

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Rob Brydon,

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Miranda Hart,

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Matt Lucas,

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Robert Lindsay,

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Jocelyn Jee Esien,

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David Walliams

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and Charlotte Church in...

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And here he is!

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Ronnie Corbett!

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, dear!

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Thank you very much, thank you very much. Oh, dear! Thought I'd never get here.

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Anyway... No, I keep fitter than you think, you know.

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To be honest, I have my own treadmill at home.

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I'm only doing widths at the moment.

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LAUGHTER

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Welcome anyway...welcome to this very special birthday show.

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I must say it's given me quite a thrill to be back here at the BBC.

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By the way, there was a disaster in the West End tonight... you may have heard,

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when Wasps, The Musical opened

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and the entire cast got stuck behind the curtain.

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LAUGHTER

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And it is rumoured...it is rumoured

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that the publishers have recalled the long-awaited book on the history of Sellotape.

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Apparently, no-one can find the beginning.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you.

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Anyway...

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a grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans,

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two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins.

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Now, his family have made an emotional appeal for him

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not to come home for at least a fortnight.

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Thank you.

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I bought something from you last week and I'm very disappointed.

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-Oh, yeah? What's the problem?

-Yeah, well...

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my blackberry is not working.

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What's the matter, then? Run out of juice?

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No, no, it's completely frozen...

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Oh, yeah, I can see that.

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I'll tell you what, let's try it on orange.

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That's got a few black spots, you see there?

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Oh, dear, yeah. Sorry about that.

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Are you going to get my blackberry working?

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Well, it could be an application issue.

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Where do you store that blackberry?

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Well, it's on my desktop.

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Well, you could try using a mouse to drag the blackberry to the trash.

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Then, after you've done that, you might want to launch the blackberry from the desktop.

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Well, I've already tried that a few times.

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I mean, all it did was mess up windows.

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Well, it might be worth waiting a couple of weeks. They've got the latest blackberries coming in then.

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Could you give me a date?

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Certainly.

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Let me put that date in my diary.

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Anything else I can help you with?

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Yes, yes...I've also got a problem, to be honest...with my apple.

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-Oh, dear, oh, dear! That is an old apple, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-When d'you buy that?

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-Last week.

-Last week? They've brought out two new apples since then!

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-What's the problem with it?

-Well, I tried to put my dongle in it and it won't fit.

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Oh, yeah?

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And how big's your dongle?

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Well, I don't know much about these things,

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but my wife's seen a few dongles in her time...

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..and she says a little bit on the small side.

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I'm afraid there's not a lot I can do about that.

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Tell you what... let me try booting it.

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SMASH!

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That is crashed!

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Anything else I can help you with?

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-Well, funnily enough, yes. It's my grandson's birthday soon.

-Oh, yeah?

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Now he's already got an apple and a blackberry. I mean, have you got anything that he might just like?

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Well, we're doing a special offer on these.

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I mean, I can't make head or tail of them. But the kids seem to like them.

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-Oh, yeah?

-Eggs-box.

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3.60.

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Hello, Bert, what are you having?

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Hello, Sue.

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Er, I'm going to have half...

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Half of bitter?

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No, er...half of...

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-Half of mild?

-No, half...

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Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World?

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No, no, half of lager for me, thanks.

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So...

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what's happened to you, then?

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I was sat at home last night with my...

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-Girlfriend?

-No, no, with my...

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Boyfriend?

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No! With my wife. And we both felt...

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Frisky?

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No, no, we both felt...er...

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Like a natural woman?

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No, bored!

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So we thought we'd put on... we'd put on...

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Put on the oven?

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No, put on...

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Some lederhosen?

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No, put on the television, so we put it on.

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Unfortunately, the only thing we could get was that awful...

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Jeremy Kyle!

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No, no, that awful...

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Jeremy Clarkson!

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No, that awful snow you get...

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-Jon Snow.

-No, no, no, no, no.

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-Peter Snow.

-No.

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No, the snow you get, you know, on the screen, you know, when you can't get any...

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When you just can't get any!

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No!

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No, when you can't get any picture!

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-Oh, right!

-Yeah.

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So I got out my...

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Your magic wand?

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No, I got out my...

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Your turkey baster!

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No, no, I got out my...

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Tiny mind?

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No, no, I got out my ladder, didn't I?

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Oh, your ladder, yeah!

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I needed to fix the...

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Outcome of the cricket match.

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No... No, I needed to fix the aerial, you see, didn't I?

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The aerial? Well, yeah, you've got to fix the aerial.

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But while I was on the roof, I slipped and fell on...

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-Your sword?

-No, I slipped and fell on...

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-Hard times?

-No, I slipped and fell

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on the ground and felt this terrible pain and realised I'd broken...

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-A record?

-No, I'd broken...

-Wind?

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No, I'd broken me arm!

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Oh? So you tried to fix the telly, fell off the roof and broke your arm?

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-Yeah!

-Well, why didn't you just say?

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Well, I would've done if you'd just let me finish my...

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-First novel?

-No.

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-Difficult second album?

-No.

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Degree in sports psychology?

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No, no...

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Loft conversion?

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No!

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Sentences! I would have got there quicker if you'd just let me finish my own sentences.

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I didn't say a word!

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APPLAUSE

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Oh...thank you. Thank you. More than I deserve.

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Now, my first guest tonight is the somewhat controversial explorer, welcome, please, Sir Hilary Bray!

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APPLAUSE

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Please.

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So...

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So, Sir Hilary... welcome to the show.

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Well, thank you very much, Parkinson.

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If I may say, my new book, I Went To The North Pole,

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is available now in hardback from all good bookshops everywhere. Has everyone got a good look at it?

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Yes, yes, I'm sure we've all seen the book. So, Sir Hilary, you've just returned from the North Pole.

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Yes, indeed, yes. It was absolutely freezing.

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Really, really nippy. You know, you had to wrap up.

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I see. So, I mean, how cold exactly was it?

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It was colder even than when you go past the ice-cream section of Waitrose, you know.

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Oh, very cold!

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So, tell me, how did you survive there?

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Well, you see, there's no shops.

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I mean, no shops at all.

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I think the nearest Tesco's...

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was about a couple of hours away by husky,

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so I had to bring my own packed lunch.

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A packed lunch? Well, you see, Sir Hilary, I'm not sure whether you went to the North Pole at all.

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How dare you? I mean, look!

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There's pictures here to prove that I really went.

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Look at that!

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You see, it looks to me like you've made the whole thing up in order to sell your book.

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Well, that is outrageous! Of course I went to the North Pole.

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And you can read about my trip in the book,

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-priced just £14.99!

-I'm not going to be part of this charade any more!

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You are quite clearly a fraud who is here just to sell something!

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Which you can read about in my new book

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My Worst Ever Guests by Sir Michael Parkinson!

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Well, it seems to me that you are the one who wants to sell something as well...

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as you can read in my new book

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Michael Parkinson Just Wants To Sell You A Book.

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No, no, no, you are quite wrong. Otherwise why would I have written this new book...

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Don't Listen To Him. I Know My Last Book Was A Bit Of A Cash-In But This Really Is A Good Book.

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Well, how about this?

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Michael Parkinson Drinks Like A Fish And He Made A Pass At Me In The Dressing Room.

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Well, I go on to talk about that at length in my newest book...

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I'm Very Sorry. I Had Too Much Wine And Mistook Him For Lulu.

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Well, that, thankfully, is all we've got time for. Until next time, a very good night. Good night.

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APPLAUSE

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Big Joe?

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I haven't seen you in 25 years.

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We're getting the band back together.

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Who's in?

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Stevie, Jo-Jo, Dermo...

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Timmy P, Curly, Lenny the Leg...

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Margaret Simmons, Nobbo, Dr Rock...

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..Steve the Sting, Mr Pickles, Mummy, the Captain, Piercey,

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Metal Mickey, Bony Bill, Smudger, Rocky, Nazi Eric,

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Ginger Nut, Gary the Glue...

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Outside Dave, Inside Dave,

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The Thing, Nicky 42, The Duke,

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Fat Tony, Thin Tony,

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Middle-Sized Tony...

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..Bed Bath, Filthy Phil,

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Mental Ken, Flaky, Black Bob, Lord Sugar...

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Charlie the Chuckle, The Gambler, Abbey Norman, Coins,

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The Baby, Thumbnails, Frogger, The Tank...

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Wet Patch...

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..Barry the Bum, Zod, Hannah and her sisters,

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Supergran, The Horse Whisperer, Popeye, Dick The Duck,

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Armpits, Big Dipper, Oily, Transgender Terry,

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Mr Person, Wee Willie Winkie, Tommy the Turd

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and Bob.

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Are you in?

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No, it's either the whole band or nothing.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

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Ron Knuckles was buried today at a service attended by the criminal underworld.

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As a mark of respect, the ceremony ended with two minutes' violence.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, by the way, we have heard today that Britain's most absent-minded man

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received a nasty bump on the head

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after he dashed upstairs and realised he'd forgotten something.

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He'd forgotten he lived in a bungalow.

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Now...

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This is such a sweet story...

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A man from Dagenham, by the way, has named his son

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TGF 308F.

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He said he may not be rich,

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but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo

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at least he'll have his own personalised number plate.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So sorry I'm late. Asda was heaving. I got some fancy fondants for tea.

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It's not what you think.

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Really? Because it looks like you're cheating on me!

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Yes, I can explain.

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Are you trading me in for a younger model?

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Well, not younger so much as, er, bigger.

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I knew you were up to something.

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I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you,

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but all the other mad scientists are laughing at me!

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"Ooh, here comes Dr Frankenstein and his itsy-bitsy monster!"

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It's not my fault that I'm small!

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I'm not the one who cobbled me together from bits and bobs!

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I mean, you could have picked bigger bits and bobs!

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Yes, but I mean... it's not just your size, is it?

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Do tell!

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Well, you're...you're just so...nice.

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What's wrong with being nice?

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You're not supposed to be nice! You're a monster!

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You're supposed to spend your time terrifying people,

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not indulging your passion for interior design!

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Are you still upset about the curtains?

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Yes, I am still upset about the curtains!

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You're a rubbish monster!

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My new monster will be terrifying.

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-Not going to ruin my curtains, is it?

-Silence!

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The time has come!

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Live, monster!

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Live!

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Behold!

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Pure evil!

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What a bad lad!

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Oh, I love those curtains!

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Do you? I made them myself!

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Oh, you busy-fingers!

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You know what this place is crying out for? Scatter cushions!

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-Don't think I haven't told him!

-Can you do this?

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Ye gods, what have I done?

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Oh!

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We should be on Strictly!

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Good morning!

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Er, good afternoon. It is actually 12.01.

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I have a question with regard to your biscuits.

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Certainly. I baked them myself this morning.

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-I'm allergic to nuts. Are there any nuts in the biscuits?

-No, just butter, flour, sugar and water.

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-Could any nuts have got into the biscuit mix?

-No.

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I mean, had you been handling any nuts before you made the biscuits?

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No. In fact, my husband passed away last year.

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Edible nuts?

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Not today, no.

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Did anyone walk past the shop today holding a bag of nuts?

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Not that I recall, and I'm really not sure how that would affect the biscuits.

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An owl or similar winged creature could have swooped down, seized a nut from a passing bag,

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flown it into your preparation area

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and dropped it in the biscuit mixture! I mean, did you think about that?

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No...but I think I would have noticed an owl.

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OK, I'll...buy half a biscuit.

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We don't sell them in halves.

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I suppose I'll have to take a whole one.

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Lovely. There.

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Can you just, er...just try a little?

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-You want me to take a bite?

-Yes, please.

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I'm not yet 100% satisfied that they are nut-free.

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No, I can't taste any.

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Keep going, keep...

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I can't taste any.

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You're not swallowing it properly.

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-I am!

-No, you're not!

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You're storing it in your cheeks like a lying squirrel!

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Just finish it off for me, please. Thank you.

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OK.

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Thank you.

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So, would you like to buy a biscuit?

0:17:300:17:33

No, thank you. After all that, I'm completely full.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to another edition of What?,

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the game show that cuts to the chase.

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So, fingers on buzzers, let's play What?.

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And our first question is what?

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BUZZ!

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The Battle of Naseby.

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Breakdance 2 - Electric Boogaloo. Which?

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BUZZ!

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Is it Henry VI?

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No, Gary Barlow.

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-When?

-BUZZ!

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1066.

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No, close. 1067.

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Oh, of course!

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Where?

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BUZZ!

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The spleen.

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No, the Roman city of Bath.

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Who?

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BUZZ!

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Um...

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-Oh... I'm sorry, it's gone.

-OK, I can throw it over to Gillian.

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-Can I have the question again, please?

-Certainly.

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Who?

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Is it Kirstie Allsopp?

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I can see what you were thinking, but no...

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It was Mussolini.

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And at the end of that round, as usual, no-one's scored any points!

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APPLAUSE

0:19:080:19:12

Now before we go on to the next round,

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let's take a quick look at the leader board.

0:19:140:19:17

As you can see, there's everything to play for.

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Ready? Fingers on buzzers.

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What?

0:19:310:19:32

BUZZ!

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Puccini's Madame Butterfly.

0:19:330:19:35

Is the right answer!

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APPLAUSE

0:19:380:19:40

Gillian, Gillian, well done!

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That is the first point anyone's scored in 22 series of What?.

0:19:440:19:49

And that puts you at the top of our leader board.

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So, Steven, you have everything to play for as we go into the final round,

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which, of course, is the quick-fire round...and off we go.

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What?

0:20:070:20:08

SIREN

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That is the end of the round

0:20:090:20:12

which means it's the end of the quiz

0:20:120:20:15

which means that the winner today is Gillian with a record high score of 1 point.

0:20:150:20:21

APPLAUSE

0:20:210:20:24

And what do points mean, of course?

0:20:240:20:26

Pounds!

0:20:260:20:28

-So you win a pound.

-Thank you.

0:20:280:20:31

And, Steven, you don't go home empty-handed...

0:20:310:20:34

you get a nice peppermint.

0:20:340:20:36

Just the one, you know. There we are.

0:20:370:20:41

Join us next time for another thrilling edition of What?. Good night.

0:20:410:20:46

What are...what are you planning to do with your pound?

0:20:460:20:50

Well, I'm going to pay off the mortgage...

0:20:500:20:52

I'm going to take Mother on holiday, she's been very ill. I'm going to buy a new car,

0:20:520:20:56

and with whatever's left I'm going to set up a charity for the children of the world.

0:20:560:21:00

And you, Steven, what are you going to do with your peppermint?

0:21:000:21:03

Suck it!

0:21:030:21:05

Hello, I don't think we've met. My name's Andrew, Andrew Wilson.

0:21:080:21:11

Hello, I'm Nigel.

0:21:110:21:13

-Nigel...?

-Yes, that's right, Nigel.

0:21:130:21:16

Yes, but Nigel what?

0:21:160:21:17

Sorry, my middle name? Well, since you ask, it's Godfrey.

0:21:170:21:20

It's a bit embarrassing, I know, but there you are.

0:21:200:21:22

-No, I'm sorry, I mean what's your surname.

-Attenborough. So tell me...

0:21:220:21:25

-Attenborough?

-Yes, that's right.

0:21:250:21:27

You mean Attenborough as in...?

0:21:270:21:29

Attenborough's Washing Machines of Stoke-on-Trent, absolutely. Yes, I'm pleased you've heard of us.

0:21:290:21:34

-No, I meant...

-New and refurbished, we won't be beaten on price.

0:21:340:21:39

Well, good to know our fame is spreading anyway.

0:21:390:21:41

Sorry, I meant any relation to Richard and David?

0:21:410:21:44

Oh, for heaven's sake! Why does everyone ask me that? I mean, it's so tedious!

0:21:440:21:48

Attenborough's not all that uncommon a name, you know?

0:21:480:21:51

Is it really likely that I'd be related to them?

0:21:510:21:55

Oh. You're not, then?

0:21:550:21:58

Well, yes, as it happens, I am. They're my brothers.

0:21:580:22:01

-W-What? There's a third Attenborough brother?

-Yes, there's a third Attenborough brother.

0:22:010:22:06

His name is David. It goes Richard, Nigel, David. I am the second Attenborough brother.

0:22:060:22:12

-Well, yes, but I suppose most people have heard of the other two.

-Oh, really?

0:22:120:22:16

Well, then, most people have never shopped for a competitively priced washing machine

0:22:160:22:20

-in the Greater Stoke area.

-Yes.

0:22:200:22:23

It must be great to have such wonderful brothers.

0:22:230:22:26

Oh, well, they're not wonderful. They're evil!

0:22:260:22:28

-Evil?

-Oh, yes! I've seen David poke a tortoise with a stick when he thought no-one was looking.

0:22:280:22:34

-Really?

-And I'm told Dickie put a contract out on Gandhi in 1948

0:22:340:22:40

because he thought it would make a better ending if he ever made a film about him.

0:22:400:22:45

Yes, well, lovely to meet you, Michael.

0:22:450:22:48

Nigel! The name is Nigel Attenborough!

0:22:480:22:51

Nigel Attenborough, and don't any of you ever forget it!

0:22:510:22:54

Excuse me, er...we couldn't help overhear you yelling at that man.

0:22:550:22:59

I'm sorry about that, totally inappropriate. I'm sorry.

0:22:590:23:03

No, no, we just wanted to say well done.

0:23:030:23:05

This is Colin Dimbleby, I'm Tim Miliband.

0:23:050:23:08

Brothers!

0:23:080:23:10

APPLAUSE

0:23:120:23:14

Thank you very... You'll forgive me sitting down for a moment, I hope, won't you?

0:23:140:23:19

I'm still rather puffed out from blowing out my candles on my 80th birthday cake.

0:23:190:23:25

It took five-and-a-half hours...

0:23:260:23:28

..with a little nap halfway through.

0:23:300:23:33

What with that and the bumps, you know...

0:23:340:23:36

it was rather a strenuous afternoon.

0:23:360:23:39

I scarcely had the energy for my traditional pub crawl and midnight kebab. Anyhow...

0:23:400:23:47

LAUGHTER

0:23:470:23:48

But it was a lovely day, and I was terribly spoiled.

0:23:480:23:52

I mean, my gorgeous granddaughter, Tiffany Bianca, sweet...

0:23:520:23:57

I know, it's a lovely name, isn't it?

0:23:570:23:59

Tiffany Bianca... She sweetly got me an app for my phone.

0:23:590:24:05

Now I'm sure you're aware phones can do almost anything these days,

0:24:050:24:08

except, of course, persuade whichever department store

0:24:080:24:12

or utility company you happen to be phoning

0:24:120:24:14

to actually answer the damn thing.

0:24:140:24:16

LAUGHTER

0:24:160:24:18

Don't get me started on phone queues or I shall go on all night...

0:24:180:24:22

Well, I shall probably go on all night, anyway.

0:24:220:24:24

LAUGHTER

0:24:240:24:26

For goodness' sake, don't encourage me,

0:24:260:24:28

because I promised my great-granddaughter Beyonce Gaga...

0:24:280:24:32

..that I'd be home in time to read her a story.

0:24:330:24:37

Actually, my family always complain that I'm extremely difficult to buy presents for.

0:24:370:24:41

Socks are, of course, the traditional default present for gentlemen of a certain age,

0:24:410:24:46

golfing socks, you know, in my case, which I can never get enough of,

0:24:460:24:51

but, as Anne points out, it's extremely difficult to get a really decent Argyll check

0:24:510:24:58

in the children's department.

0:24:580:25:01

Yes, it won't surprise you to learn that I do have rather small feet.

0:25:020:25:07

Dainty, they've been called.

0:25:080:25:10

Ballet dancer's feet.

0:25:100:25:12

No, in fact, as a young man

0:25:120:25:14

I danced several leads for the Hibernian and Strathclyde Amateur Bowls and Ballet Society...

0:25:140:25:20

LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:21

..until an unfortunate incident with a rather restrictive jockstrap put an end to a promising career.

0:25:210:25:28

I went from Sugar Plum Fairy to Nutcracker in one...

0:25:300:25:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:340:25:37

..in one ill-judged leap. Oh, dear!

0:25:390:25:43

Of course, the very best present I got this year

0:25:430:25:46

was the BBC giving me this lovely special programme.

0:25:460:25:50

Now, I don't get a lot of work these days, you see...

0:25:500:25:53

Even panto's dried up.

0:25:530:25:56

As a juvenile, my Tinker Bell was a firm favourite...

0:25:560:26:00

LAUGHTER

0:26:000:26:02

..and in later years people would come from miles around to see me present my Dick, whi...

0:26:020:26:08

..which... No, stop it! Which is an old joke, I know.

0:26:090:26:14

But then I'm a very old comic.

0:26:140:26:17

So try to see laughing as Care In The Community.

0:26:180:26:22

-LAUGHTER

-Speaking...

0:26:220:26:25

speaking of ageing, the ironic thing is I feel I've sort of grown into these chair monologues of mine.

0:26:250:26:31

I mean, let's face it, what they consist of is me telling a story

0:26:310:26:35

while constantly losing my way and repeating myself,

0:26:350:26:38

which these days applies to pretty much everything I say.

0:26:380:26:42

LAUGHTER

0:26:420:26:44

My whole life has become a Ronnie chair monologue, which is funny, isn't it?

0:26:440:26:50

Well, I hope it is funny!

0:26:510:26:52

Oh, dear! I'm beginning to sound like one of those grumpy old men,

0:26:540:26:59

and I'm not...I'm not. I've always tried to move with the times,

0:26:590:27:03

which, of course, brings me back to Tiffany Bianca's lovely phone app,

0:27:030:27:08

which was, as she explained to me, a sat-nav device...

0:27:080:27:12

with which I'd be able to find my way to anywhere I fancied in the whole world

0:27:120:27:17

just by consulting my telephone, which was lovely.

0:27:170:27:20

And next year,

0:27:200:27:22

I'm hoping she'll get me a very long flex because currently...

0:27:220:27:25

LAUGHTER

0:27:250:27:27

..I can only get three yards from the hall skirting board...

0:27:270:27:30

..which is where my phone is plugged into the wall.

0:27:310:27:35

So there you are, you have it all, and I should like, if I may, to conclude

0:27:350:27:39

by wishing a happy birthday to octogenarians everywhere. Thank you very much.

0:27:390:27:46

I'm so sorry, Willy. No, they've put Free Willy 3 on hold.

0:27:550:27:59

WHALE SONG I know, I know, but listen...

0:27:590:28:02

I have a very nice offer from Strictly Come Dancing. Yeah, yeah. WHALE SONG

0:28:020:28:06

You will? That's lovely.

0:28:060:28:09

Bye, Willy, bye. WHALE SONG

0:28:090:28:11

-BEEP!

-'Lassie here to see you.'

0:28:110:28:14

Send him in.

0:28:150:28:17

Oh, what a super surprise!

0:28:190:28:23

Hello, love.

0:28:240:28:26

Sit!

0:28:260:28:27

Good boy.

0:28:270:28:28

-Doggy Choc?

-No, thanks. I'm on a diet.

0:28:290:28:32

Ah, good for you!

0:28:320:28:34

How are you?

0:28:340:28:36

Not great.

0:28:370:28:38

Getting a divorce.

0:28:380:28:40

Oh, I'm so sorry!

0:28:400:28:42

Bitch ran off with someone else.

0:28:420:28:43

Well, is there anything I can do?

0:28:430:28:46

Well, I'm going to be honest with you...

0:28:460:28:49

I do need to work.

0:28:490:28:51

Got some great news. They are making another Lassie movie.

0:28:510:28:55

I've done 12 of the blasted things! I mean, I don't want to get typecast.

0:28:550:28:59

Why haven't you put me up for 103 Dalmatians?

0:29:000:29:03

Clue's in the title, love.

0:29:030:29:04

Are you saying I can only play a collie?

0:29:040:29:09

I'm... Yes.

0:29:090:29:11

-Well, that's racist.

-There's plenty of work out there, plenty of work! I've got...

0:29:110:29:15

Ah! Hey, I've got a nice advert for Pedigree Chum.

0:29:150:29:19

I've told you, I don't do commercials!

0:29:190:29:22

I'm a serious actor.

0:29:220:29:24

It's a very good deal. There's two packets of dog biscuits in it,

0:29:240:29:27

there's a chewed-up tennis ball and they're willing to even throw in a stick!

0:29:270:29:31

Why do I always have to play the dog?

0:29:310:29:34

I mean, did you put me up for King Lear at the RSC?

0:29:340:29:36

I did, I did! Hey, you came very close!

0:29:360:29:40

You came...ooh...a hair's breadth...

0:29:400:29:42

It went, in the end, to Sir Ian McKellen.

0:29:420:29:45

Her again! So you haven't got a thing for me?

0:29:450:29:49

No.

0:29:500:29:52

Well, I'm obviously wasting my time here. Goodbye.

0:29:520:29:56

The problem is, my dear, that people do think...

0:29:560:29:58

..you're difficult.

0:29:590:30:01

Honestly, you pee on one director's leg and you get a reputation!

0:30:010:30:05

-This is an awfully nice place. Is it new?

-Yes.

0:30:120:30:15

Used to be an optician's. Do you know, I think the same chap still runs it.

0:30:150:30:19

-Good evening.

-Oh.

-Hello.

0:30:190:30:21

Nice to see you. Would you like to see the menu?

0:30:210:30:24

Oh, yes, please.

0:30:240:30:26

Nice man.

0:30:260:30:27

Would you like to read the menu?

0:30:290:30:31

I'm sorry, could you bring it a little closer?

0:30:310:30:34

Afraid not.

0:30:340:30:35

Well, I can only see soup and steak from here, so I suppose I'll go for the soup.

0:30:350:30:41

Very interesting. And, sir...?

0:30:410:30:43

Er...well, yes, I suppose I'll go for the steak, please.

0:30:430:30:46

Excellent choice.

0:30:460:30:48

Rather peculiar.

0:30:490:30:51

There we are. Thank you very much.

0:30:520:30:54

-Sorry, could you tell me what's in this soup?

-Er...

0:30:550:30:58

I'm sorry...

0:30:580:31:00

I'm sorry. Would you mind holding it still so I can...

0:31:000:31:03

Keep it still.

0:31:030:31:04

Um, that is cabbage and broccoli.

0:31:040:31:07

-Oh, no, I don't like broccoli.

-Oh?

0:31:070:31:09

Here we are.

0:31:120:31:13

Mushroom and walnut.

0:31:130:31:15

That better?

0:31:150:31:17

Or worse?

0:31:170:31:19

Better or worse?

0:31:190:31:22

-Better?

-Er...

-Or worse?

0:31:220:31:25

Better? Now does this make any difference?

0:31:250:31:28

-This seems better, thank you.

-Excellent.

0:31:290:31:32

Madam, if you look straight ahead, would you tell me,

0:31:350:31:38

would you like some condiment in your soup?

0:31:380:31:41

What condiment?

0:31:410:31:42

No, no, no. Keep looking forward.

0:31:420:31:45

Can you tell me what condiment it is yet?

0:31:450:31:47

No.

0:31:470:31:48

-OK. How about now?

-No.

0:31:480:31:51

-What about now?

-No.

0:31:510:31:53

-And now?

-OK, it's pepper. And, no, I don't want any pepper, thank you!

0:31:530:31:57

You haven't even offered us a drink yet! Can we have a bottle of white wine, please?

0:31:570:32:01

Certainly, sir. Here we are.

0:32:010:32:02

-By the way, I must tell you something.

-Yes?

0:32:050:32:08

You both need glasses.

0:32:080:32:10

Item number four. The repairs needed to fix the guttering on the roof of the church hall.

0:32:150:32:22

Now, the caretaker's been up, had a look at this

0:32:220:32:25

and the estimated cost of these repairs is going to be in the region of £65.

0:32:250:32:32

-Oh!

-Thank you, Bill.

0:32:320:32:35

Now, does anyone have any ideas of how we can raise the funds to cover these costs?

0:32:350:32:40

What about a jumble sale?

0:32:400:32:42

Bit old hat.

0:32:420:32:44

How about a benefit concert in the scout hut starring Lady Gaga?

0:32:440:32:50

Yes, that's a great idea! Now, does anyone know a phone number for this Mrs Gaga?

0:32:500:32:56

Ted, you can look her up in the phone directory, see if she's listed, you know?

0:32:570:33:02

What will she be under?

0:33:020:33:04

-Gaga.

-Gaga?

0:33:040:33:06

Of course, if we can't get Lady Gaga, there is always that Beyonce Knowles.

0:33:060:33:12

We could ask her to sing some of her hit songs,

0:33:120:33:16

then she could reform Destiny's Child and then maybe bake a cake which we could all raffle.

0:33:160:33:22

I think we're aiming a bit low.

0:33:230:33:25

Why are we wasting our time with this Beyonce Knowles character?

0:33:250:33:29

I propose we go for JT himself, Justin Timberlake.

0:33:290:33:33

We could have Timbaland provide the beats

0:33:330:33:36

and Madonna could come on and they could sing their song 4 Minutes.

0:33:360:33:39

Well, if Madonna's only going to do the one song, she could help me out on the hotdog stand...

0:33:410:33:46

she could fry the onions.

0:33:460:33:47

Yes, but whoever we get to sing, whether it's Beyonce, Timberlake, Madonna, 50 Cent,

0:33:480:33:55

Lil Wayne...Snoop...

0:33:550:33:58

..we need someone to introduce them.

0:33:590:34:01

How about that Nelson "Mandelar"?

0:34:010:34:04

-Too old.

-Horrible shirts!

-Oh!

0:34:050:34:08

-The Pope?

-Now, is the Pope famous enough?

0:34:100:34:13

-President Obama?

-Yes, that's a splendid idea!

0:34:150:34:18

So, President Obama to host and first choice to sing, Lady Gaga.

0:34:180:34:23

Oh, what if she's booked up?

0:34:230:34:25

Hang on a minute! Did I never mention that my nephew is the controversial rapper Eminem?

0:34:250:34:31

No, I don't think you did.

0:34:330:34:34

Let me give him a bell... see if he can help.

0:34:340:34:37

Hello? Eminem?

0:34:460:34:49

It's your Uncle Bill here.

0:34:500:34:52

How's your controversial rapping going?

0:34:540:34:56

Good.

0:34:570:34:59

Now, look, we're organising a charity concert

0:34:590:35:02

and we need a really big star.

0:35:020:35:05

Have you got a number for "Jay-Zed"?

0:35:060:35:08

Hello?

0:35:100:35:12

Hello! Hello?

0:35:120:35:15

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

0:35:150:35:16

And now, please welcome one of my favourite singers.

0:35:160:35:20

I mean, I've known her since she was that high.

0:35:200:35:23

The lovely Charlotte Church.

0:35:240:35:26

APPLAUSE

0:35:280:35:32

# You got the wrong shoes, honey, the wrong size

0:35:340:35:37

# You wear the left foot on the right side

0:35:390:35:42

# You got a sad laugh, honey, when you cry

0:35:440:35:47

# You know the answer, still you ask why

0:35:490:35:52

# You ask why

0:35:530:35:55

# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night

0:35:560:36:00

# Painting pictures with the rain

0:36:020:36:06

# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream

0:36:060:36:11

# I'm a mixed-up girl

0:36:110:36:13

# In a logical world

0:36:130:36:16

# You got blue hair, honey, and blond eyes

0:36:270:36:30

# Shocks are boring but the day today's a surprise

0:36:320:36:36

# You go real low, honey, when you get high

0:36:370:36:41

# You give a warm welcome with that goodbye

0:36:420:36:46

# When you say goodbye

0:36:460:36:50

# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night

0:36:500:36:55

# Painting pictures with the rain

0:36:550:37:00

# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream

0:37:000:37:04

# Here with the wrong size

0:37:050:37:08

# Here with the blond eyes

0:37:080:37:11

# I laugh when I cry I'm the one who's asking why

0:37:110:37:16

# I get high when I get low and I just want to show

0:37:160:37:20

# I'm a logical girl in a mixed-up world

0:37:200:37:24

# Mixed-up world

0:37:240:37:27

# Walking in the sunshine in the middle of the night

0:37:280:37:32

# Painting pictures with the rain

0:37:340:37:38

# Been dreaming of real life and living out a dream

0:37:380:37:43

# I'm a mixed-up girl

0:37:430:37:45

# In a logical world

0:37:450:37:48

# I've been walking the sunshine in the middle of the night

0:37:480:37:53

# I've been watching my pictures fade away in the rain

0:37:530:37:58

# I've been dreaming of real life and living out a dream

0:37:590:38:03

# I'm a mixed-up girl

0:38:030:38:06

# In a logical world

0:38:060:38:08

# I'm a mixed-up girl

0:38:080:38:11

# I'm a mixed-up girl. #

0:38:110:38:15

APPLAUSE

0:38:150:38:19

'Meanwhile, crime-fighting superhero Wonderman is expecting a visit.'

0:38:200:38:25

KNOCKING

0:38:250:38:26

Who is it?

0:38:260:38:28

It's Powerboy!

0:38:280:38:29

Come in!

0:38:290:38:30

You wanted to see me, Wonderman?

0:38:350:38:37

What's that?

0:38:370:38:38

It's my superscooter.

0:38:380:38:40

My knees are giving me a bit of trouble.

0:38:410:38:44

Well...you're getting quite old now, aren't you, Powerboy?

0:38:450:38:48

-Well, we can't all be immortal like you, Wonderman!

-Sadly not,

0:38:480:38:52

but, when you applied for this job, it did say "immortal" on your CV!

0:38:520:38:55

It said, "I'm mortal", it was just badly punctuated.

0:38:550:39:00

Remind me...how long have you been working for me now?

0:39:000:39:04

-65 glorious years.

-I bet you're getting a bit bored of being a superhero now, aren't you?

0:39:040:39:10

-Not at all!

-Yeah, but there must be times when you think,

0:39:100:39:13

"I'm 80 years old! I should be taking it easy, doing some gardening or going on a cruise."

0:39:130:39:18

No, never.

0:39:180:39:20

This isn't easy to say, but...

0:39:230:39:25

..I really think it's time you...retired.

0:39:290:39:32

Retired? But I'm Powerboy!

0:39:320:39:35

Exactly, PowerBOY! You haven't been a boy since the 1930s!

0:39:350:39:39

Power-mature-gentleman?

0:39:400:39:42

No... Look, I'm sorry.

0:39:420:39:44

You're just too old.

0:39:440:39:46

It's time you hung up your cape.

0:39:460:39:49

-I've still got years in me.

-Really?

0:39:490:39:51

What about last week when we were battling Professor Terror on the top of that skyscraper?

0:39:510:39:55

-What happened?

-Well, I had to pop down to use the bathroom.

0:39:550:39:58

My bladder isn't what it was!

0:39:590:40:01

I'm sorry, Powerboy, but...it's time to call it quits.

0:40:010:40:05

-You won't last a minute on your own.

-I think I'll be fine!

0:40:050:40:08

Even when you're forced to do battle

0:40:080:40:10

with the Basket?

0:40:100:40:12

TOOT-TOOT!

0:40:120:40:14

What are you doing?

0:40:150:40:16

Tremble with fear, the Basket is here!

0:40:160:40:19

TOOT-TOOT!

0:40:190:40:21

-Are you serious?

-Deadly serious.

0:40:220:40:24

If I can't be with you, then I shall be against you!

0:40:240:40:27

Henceforth I shall devote myself to evil!

0:40:270:40:30

We will battle for supremacy of the earth! Farewell for now!

0:40:300:40:35

SCOOTER STARTS AND STOPS

0:40:350:40:37

Battery's dead. Can you plug me in?

0:40:400:40:43

How long does it take to...?

0:40:510:40:54

Six hours.

0:40:540:40:55

I'm going to pop out and get some lunch. Do you want any?

0:40:570:40:59

No, I've brought a sandwich, actually.

0:40:590:41:03

Well, I don't know what Strauss and Pietersen use on their cricket bats,

0:41:080:41:11

I suppose it's all changed these days. But I'm a great believer in linseed oil.

0:41:110:41:15

Good heavens! Is he still around?

0:41:150:41:17

-I beg your pardon?

-Lindsay Doyle.

0:41:170:41:20

I think there's been some slight misunderstanding.

0:41:210:41:23

I'm talking about the use of linseed oil on cricket bats.

0:41:230:41:26

What? Oh, I'm so sorry. Do continue, please.

0:41:260:41:29

Of course, our pitch is hardly ideal, but I'm determined, come hell or high water...

0:41:300:41:35

Camilla Highwater! How is she? She's a very, very dear friend of mine.

0:41:350:41:41

Look, if you don't very much mind, I'm addressing my remarks...

0:41:410:41:44

How do you do, Myra? May I call Myra? Miss Marx is so formal.

0:41:440:41:48

Any more you want to meet?

0:41:480:41:50

Annie Moore! Hello, Annie. Lovely to meet you, Annie.

0:41:500:41:55

Look, can't I say anything without reminding you of someone you know?

0:41:550:41:59

I'm sorry, I'm awfully sorry.

0:41:590:42:01

Never mind.

0:42:010:42:02

This is sangria, isn't it? It's quite a heady beverage.

0:42:050:42:08

"Eddie Beverage"?

0:42:100:42:11

Mind you, I'm the type that gets giddy on shandy.

0:42:140:42:16

"Gideon Shandy"?

0:42:180:42:20

I have to chose my words carefully. I can see more coming.

0:42:220:42:25

"Seymour Cumming"?

0:42:270:42:28

Where was I? Oh, yes...the pitch.

0:42:320:42:35

Would you believe, I caught some kid playing football on it the other day! I was forced to order him off it.

0:42:350:42:41

Audrey Moffat? Now, there's a name!

0:42:410:42:44

Look, considering all the friends we have in common we really ought to get together one evening.

0:42:440:42:50

How about tomorrow night?

0:42:500:42:51

Tamara Knight? Yes, I know her too.

0:42:510:42:54

She died last week.

0:42:540:42:55

-Surely not?

-Shirley Knott was at the funeral!

0:42:550:42:58

Wait! It's Shirley Knott I'm having dinner with.

0:42:580:43:02

Known her for years. Used to spot her up at the club.

0:43:020:43:05

Eustace Potter? That's the man she's going to marry.

0:43:050:43:07

Well, I can see why. He's very well groomed.

0:43:070:43:10

-His hair's always very nattily done.

-I forgot Natalie Dunn is a good hairdresser.

0:43:100:43:14

Trouble is she can't do anything without consulting her horoscope.

0:43:140:43:18

Horace Cope? That twit? Don't tell me she still moves in his moronic orbit!

0:43:180:43:23

Ronnie Corbett? Who's he?

0:43:230:43:26

ORGAN MUSIC

0:43:300:43:33

Hello. I'm Aled Jones. You remember?

0:43:330:43:36

# Walking in the air

0:43:360:43:41

# La-la-la...the sky... #

0:43:410:43:46

That was me. Anyway, I've gone all religious now and I'm presenting Songs Of Praise,

0:43:460:43:51

which this week comes to you from a little church in some village somewhere,

0:43:510:43:55

and there's all people inside, singing hymns and that.

0:43:550:43:57

And what a surprise! The church is full. Enjoy.

0:43:570:44:01

# All things bright and beautiful

0:44:090:44:12

# All creatures great and small

0:44:120:44:16

# All things wise and wonderful

0:44:160:44:20

# The Lord God made them all

0:44:200:44:23

# Don't give that cow a close-up

0:44:230:44:28

# Don't put her on a perch

0:44:280:44:31

# She's just here for the cameras

0:44:310:44:35

# She's never been to church

0:44:350:44:38

# Well, she's a non-believer

0:44:410:44:45

# She's a terrible ham actor

0:44:450:44:48

# You know she's only here

0:44:480:44:52

# Because she can't get on X Factor

0:44:520:44:57

# Don't listen to that harlot

0:44:590:45:02

# She's always trying it on

0:45:020:45:06

# She's had half the men in here

0:45:060:45:10

# Including Father John

0:45:100:45:13

# That one's got a blooming cheek

0:45:160:45:20

# She's busy throwing stones

0:45:200:45:23

# But she is only here

0:45:230:45:27

# Because she fancies Aled Jones... #

0:45:270:45:31

SHE MOUTHS

0:45:310:45:33

# If you're wondering who she is

0:45:330:45:37

# Well, I've got news for you

0:45:370:45:41

# You never see her here

0:45:410:45:44

# She's a practising Hindu

0:45:440:45:49

# All things bright and beautiful

0:45:510:45:55

# All creatures great and small

0:45:550:45:58

# To celebrate being on TV

0:45:580:46:03

# We're off on a pub crawl. #

0:46:030:46:07

APPLAUSE

0:46:110:46:13

Oh, dear!

0:46:130:46:14

Thank you very much. I hope you had a wonderful evening and enjoyed the show.

0:46:150:46:20

It's really been quite lovely.

0:46:200:46:22

For old times' sake, I would just like to say there's a police message that we have been asked to give you,

0:46:220:46:27

saying that a man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston Station this morning,

0:46:270:46:33

if he'd please go to the lost property office by platform 9

0:46:330:46:36

where the man who found them has just been handed in.

0:46:360:46:40

And... Still...

0:46:400:46:42

there's been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester

0:46:420:46:47

whilst on the run last week.

0:46:470:46:49

His family said he'll soon be out on "bale".

0:46:490:46:52

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, I know, I know...

0:46:520:46:55

And...

0:46:590:47:00

And sad news, of course, is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spencer P Dobson,

0:47:010:47:09

a famous compiler of crossword puzzles.

0:47:090:47:13

After a short service, he was buried 6 down and 3 across.

0:47:130:47:17

LAUGHTER

0:47:170:47:18

So it's good night from me.

0:47:180:47:20

I hope you enjoyed yourselves. God bless you.

0:47:200:47:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:47:300:47:34

E-mail [email protected]

0:47:340:47:38

In this comedy sketch show made to mark Ronnie Corbett's 80th birthday in 2010, the octogenarian comic legend appears alongside some of the biggest names in British comedy, in sketches featuring everything from a superannuated superhero to a stage-struck dog. Featuring a sprinkling of one-liners and a brand new Ronnie monologue in the famous chair.


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