The One Lenny Henry The Ones

TRANSLATION:

Ooo-Kaay! Katanga, my friends! Ah-a! Ah-a!

Y'knaa what I mean? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Mr Lenny Henry!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, and welcome to The One Lenny Henry!

CHEERING

Or, as I'm known in the Midlands, Dudleyman!

There's a lot of superhero movies on at the moment -

Spiderman, Batman, Captain America. Have you seen Captain America?

That's the only country in the world that fits into a title like that.

I've tried it with lots of others - Captain France! Dun-dun-dun!

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"Captain Francais!

"The Nazis are setting the Louvre on fire, help us!"

"Why do you tell me this in the middle of lunch?

"Perhaps when I have finished my wine,

"made love to a beautiful woman, enjoyed a cigarette,

"maybe then, I will,

"if I am not too knackered,

"look for a fire extinguisher."

Captain Italy...

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"Senor Italiano, the rebels are attacking Rome

"and killing everything in their path. What should we do?"

"Find me the fastest car you can and let's get the hell out of here!"

Captain Nigeria?

LAUGHTER

There, you see?

You know, man, Captain Nigeria would be cool, wouldn't he?

Murderous aliens have invaded his palace,

Captain Nigeria isn't fazed at all.

-NIGERIAN ACCENT:

-"I am so glad you are here, eeeeh..."

"Ah, Sirius 5 is my favourite planet, eeeh.

"Look at you - seven arms, four eyes -

"I think I know your sistah."

LAUGHTER

"Now, what I need you to do is

"put all of your money into my bank account.

"I promise to pay you £20 million at a date to be arranged.

"You can trust me because I am Captain Nigeria, eeeh."

I love going to the pictures, but what's the big FBI warning

at the beginning of every movie now?

Every movie, big FBI warning

"Warning, film piracy could lead to five years in jail or a 250,000 fine."

You're sitting there like...

LAUGHTER

"I didn't know the FBI had a branch in West Bromwich."

LAUGHTER

It's not exactly top of the crime league, is it?

You go to jail, you're in your cell, talking to your new cellmate...

"What are you in for?"

"Armed robbery. What about you?"

"I illegally recorded Alvin And The Chipmunks 3."

LAUGHTER

People buying pirate DVDs dirt cheap -

you get it home, stick it on the DVD player, you draw the curtains,

you know it's wrong, but you don't care!

It's the new edition of Pirates Of The Caribbean. You love that movie, man!

The picture's pin sharp, perfect sound, HD levels,

Jack Sparrow comes on - you love Jack Sparrow -

then he says, "Woo suffabotha woo-yo..."

LAUGHTER

"..jit-abuyo awdoybo...

"..zit-aburrow doreho...

"Savvy?"

You're looking at each other - no wonder it only cost 50-bloody-p!

From the makers of Twilight and Breaking Dawn, a new adventure -

Late Afternoon.

Well, Early Evening.

Actually, around 6.30.

Let's call it Dusk.

'When I first met Edward, I knew he was different,

'and I knew that our destinies were intertwined.'

You're impossibly strong, your eyes change colour,

and sometimes you speak like you're from a different world.

Your skin is pale white, yet black...

I know where you're from.

Go on.

You're from Birmingham.

Is it that obvious?

You're a...

Say it.

Out loud. Say it.

You're a Brumpire.

I want you to take me into your world.

A world of darkness and chaos.

You mean the Bullring?

I can't, it's too dangerous.

What do you mean?

There's three lanes of traffic going round it,

you'd never make it across.

Oh.

'I knew I was breaking all the rules by wanting him.

'Then I met...Jacob.'

Bella, don't go near him.

Why not?

He's not one of us.

What is he?

He's a werewolf.

Where's he from?

Werewolverhampton.

He's been wandering the Midlands for thousands of years.

Are you saying he's a Werewolverhampton Wanderer?

No, you said that.

'I was strangely drawn to Jacob.'

Kiss me.

LOUD SMOOCHING

No, wait!

I promise to love you every moment of for ever,

and then a bit longer after that.

And then some more.

You love him?

Yes, but he's got a bit clingy.

How do I get rid of him?

Leave that with me, chap.

Oi, Fido! Here, boy.

Do you want the stick? Do you want to fetch the stick, boy?

Fetch, boy! Go on, boy!

HE BARKS AND GROWLS

Bella, we must go. Up!

-Actually, shall we just walk instead?

-OK, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's happening, world?

My name is Delbert Wilkins, and this is www.dwtv.cru-shal.

well-ard, well-ard, well-ard.tv.com forward-slash dot, y'knaa what I mean?

I know what you are thinking.

"Why haven't we seen this handsome dude since the '80s

"when he used to broadcast from the centre of the civilised world -

"the shed on the roof of his tower block in Brixton?"

Well, the first lickle hiccup was this - they knocked it down,

and I couldn't get a signal from the top of the rubble, y'knaa what I mean?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I watched the riots.

I thought I was having a flashback to April 1981 and I got scared.

I mean, Bucks Fizz was number two in the charts and I thought,

"I don't want to live through that again!"

But the thing is, the '81 riots,

they were about people wanting better housing,

more job opportunities and an end to stop-and-search.

This time they just wanted iPads and trainers!

Forget the issues of social deprivation,

I'm all right as long as I've got a Wi-Fi on the move and comfortable feet, 'dred.

The riots were on telly every night.

It was like a regular show, wasn't it?

The BBC started putting out trailers for it -

"Tonight after Eastenders, a new series - Britain's Got Rioters."

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You were waiting for Piers Morgan to say,

"That was a terrible performance. you dropped three TVs on your way out the shop."

I said to my daughter, Beyonce, I looked at her, I said,

"Have you seen this, darling?"

She was like, "I don't want to watch it now, Dad,

"I'll wait for the box set to come out." Y'knaa what I mean?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Perhaps we should have invited Donovan after all.

-Nonsense!

It's good to put that man behind you once and for all.

You've chosen a good husband, Ruth.

Mr Sanderson is a solid, reliable, upstanding member of the community.

Yes.

Whereas Donovan Bogarde is an uncouth,

outrageous man who is obsessed with sex.

Yes!

Remember, do not let this man in, by any means necessary.

Reverend.

Mrs Johnson...

Donovan?

Come on, Mrs Johnson. Why the surprise?

You know I've always wanted to celebrate your nuptials.

-Do you know this vicar?

-I have visited her parish many times.

True, I have not yet seen the hin-side of her cathedral,

but she has a very accommodating rector.

-I beg your pardon?

-And God created woman, and he said it was good.

But I say it's better than good.

It is a bounteous piece of super crea-tion!

Designed for prolonged physical hex-plora-tion!

-With me hon-board satellite naviga-tion!

-Reverend,

shall we just get on with the service?

-Hey, my church, my rules.

-Donovan?

-Call me Your Holiness

and I will grant you a private hau-dience you will never forget.

Come, receive me blessings, kiss me ring, and if you stay on your knees

-long enough, I'll give you a ride on me Popemobile!

-Reverend! What the hell is going on here?!

Shouldn't the real question be, what the hell is going on there?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Come on, Mrs Johnson, it was meant to be. I is Jonah, you is the whale.

I is Moses, you is me fatted calf.

-Reverend Bogarde!

-Oh-oh!

-Do you know who I am? This is my wife.

-No, she isn't.

You never said "I do".

-I do.

-Well, I don't.

Come on, Mrs Johnson, hurry up. Giddy up, Mrs Johnson!

Donovan, you have any idea where we're going?

Paradise, Mrs Johnson! Paradise!

-I've been doing Shakespeare.

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

Yeah, serious stuff. Othello.

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-Actually, when a black guy says

he's been doing Shakespeare, Othello's what he usually means.

Not many of us go, "I'm opening in the National in Romeo And Juliet!

"I'm playing Man Who Holds Ladder for Romeo in the balcony scene!"

Amazing experience, Othello, but it was nerve-wracking,

cos I'd never done it before, you know.

This is one of the greatest tragedies of all time,

and I'm a comedian.

I'd be in the middle of a really big, important speech,

"Most potent, grave and reverend signiors,

"my very noble and approved good masters,"

and I'm hearing a little voice in my head...

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"What's wrong?

"Why aren't they laughing?!"

This is me, aged 16, just started out.

All I want to do is make the audience laugh.

I'll be in the middle of the play and there'd be a moment where I'd hear...

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"Go on, chap, make 'em laugh."

"No, no, this is Shakespeare, I've got to concentrate!

"Let him do his spite. My services, which I have done the signiory,

"shall out-tongue his complaints."

-AS FRANK SPENCER:

-"Hello!

"I've been having a bit of trouble!"

"No, no, no!" It's a nightmare!

The most tempting scene - the death scene at the end.

Othello has just mistakenly killed Desdemona, his beloved -

he smothered her with a pillow.

He's in total despair, wracked with guilt. He's about to stab himself.

"Soft you. A word or two before you go.

"I have done the state some service, and they know't. No more of that."

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-"Knife, pillow, pillow, knife!

"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen - I did kill her, just like that!"

I try and look after myself.

Try and stay healthy.

I take lots of vitamins and supplements. Anybody else do that?

Don't they affect the colour of your wee, though?

Mine goes bronze! I'm in the loo, going, "Wow!

"I could fake-tan the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex with this!"

I don't know if it's cos I'm getting older,

but I've been reading the obituaries more and more recently.

It's like a school report for your whole life, isn't it?

Little snarky comments along the side.

"Never quite fulfilled his potential."

"Should've paid more attention...

"especially when he walked out in front of that bus."

Some people have done amazing things with their lives.

You know, war heroes.

Took on a machine-gun nest single-handedly,

won the citation for bravery under fire.

How can anybody compete with that?

Just you think right now, OK, about all the courageous things

you've done in your life that they'd put in your obituary.

Just think. I've been doing this a lot.

Sat in first class on the train with a second-class ticket.

Didn't move until the bloke said, "Tickets, please."

I'm in the bank, in the queue. A huge bloke pushed in front of me.

I said, "Excuse me, there's a queue here."

Everybody in the bank applauded me...

and then got out the way and watched him beat me up.

"What'd you say, Ainsley? What did you say to me, Ainsley?"

Thing is, I know they've got my obituary ready somewhere, OK?

And I'm glad I'm not going to see it,

because I know that nothing is going to matter, OK?

It's not going to matter that I've won awards

or done Shakespeare or Comic Relief

or slept in the Amazon jungle for three nights on my own.

None of that's going to matter. Know why?

Because my obituary headline's going to say "Premier Inn bloke dies."

-I'm over here, Steve.

-Yo, Leroy. Wha g'wan, Swagga Don?

-I'm all right, Steve, you know.

-So what ya sayin', brudda?

-Got a new business, innit?

-Blarted. What ya teifin'?

I ain't teifin' nothin', it's legit.

It's a delivery business, right?

You all right, Steve?

You got a rash, or something?

No, man. Me good like fresh mango.

Steve, look, right, you're talking like you're a black geezer and you isn't one, bro.

Kiss me neck, back, what do you mean I ain't black?

Me may look like dis on tha outside, but inside, I'm Nubian Rasta!

Listen, you fool, my forefathers spoke in patois

so the slave masters couldn't understand them, right?

-It's our language and you're hijacking it.

-Bumbaclot!

Wake up, man. Me got a right. Me family was slaves an' all, you know.

What you talking about?

-Me mams was a slave for real.

-Your mum weren't no slave, Steve.

She was the original slave, belie-e-eve.

-Where was she a slave?

-Tesco's.

Tesco's?

Tesco's didn't have no slaves.

Slavery goes all the way before Tesco's.

Slavery goes all the way back to, like, Barclays Bank.

I'm telling you, man, she was a slave. Truss-s-sst.

How could she be a slave?

Cos they paid her 1.50 an hour and them's slave wages, dread.

That was in 1973, right?

You could buy a Ford Capri for that money in them days.

Steve, why can't you talk in your own patois?

Dready, me don't got no patois.

Yeah, you do. You got all the London cockney slang.

"All right, darlin'?" "You don't get many of them to the pound."

"Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit." "Gertcha!"

"Get aht my pub!" "Sorted." "Read all abaht it in the Stand-id."

That's you and your posse.

RINGTONE PLAYS "The Power" by Snap

-POSH VOICE:

-Hello, Urban Deliveries, can I help you?

We can absolutely do that for you on Thursday, of course. Not at all.

Have a marvellous day.

Me could, erm, learn to talk like that, you know.

Help you with your business.

-POSH VOICE:

-Hello, Urban Deliveries, Steven Parkin speaking.

How may I be of assistance? You rass!

-We'll work on that, all right?

-Let's do it!

Steve, Steve. The cockney walk, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

# Consider yourself

# One of us. #

Much better, bruv.

Much better.

HE WHIMPERS

HE SPLUTTERS AND SNEEZES

HE SOBS

HE SCREAMS

LOUD HISSING

HE SCREAMS

LOUD HISSING

HE SCREAMS

Everything is automated now, don't you find this?

I sometimes get a robotic voice ringing my house.

You know, ring-ring, you pick it up, "Hello?"

-ROBOTIC ACCENT:

-"Do not hang up.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts into one big debt?"

It's ringing up every other day now.

I just get my own back now, I talk back to it!

He goes, "Hello." I go, "Hello, do not hang up,

"I find your voice strangely attractive."

He goes, "I'm sorry." I go, "What are you wearing?"

He goes, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

By the time I've finished with him, he's in overload.

"Ma-ma-ma-ma..."

# Will always love you... #

HE IMITATES AN EXPLOSION

One of the most annoying automated things is at the bank or the post office. You know, the window voice?

"Window number three, please!"

"Window number four, please! Window number six..."

Who is this guy? Who is it? Do you think he's the same at home?

"Darling, I'm home now!

"Where are all the children?"

"Staying at their mother's!"

"That is most unusual! Please tell me you're not leaving!

"What do you mean, I'm bloody annoying?"

So, airports are full of technology, right?

I get vexed at the airport now, though.

All the security makes me SO mad!

Can't take anything on the plane any more.

They took Nivea off me the other day, Nivea?!

What I going to do? Moisturise my way into the cockpit?

Nobody move!

My skin IS silky smooth, isn't it?

If you can't take it on board, they make you throw it away.

Water bottles, shampoo...

A crying baby.

Come on, who wants to sit next to one of them?

They should have their own plane, shouldn't they?

Either that, or take a gallon of Calpol with you!

The liquid cosh! We've all done that, haven't we?

"Come on, there you go."

"There you go, come on, there you go, come on.

"THERE you go."

"You'll be off in a minute. There you go!"

Kid wakes up three days later.

"Did we go to Disneyland?"

"I've got sideburns?!"

Jamaicans would not make good terrorists, OK?

We just forget that, all right? We would not make good terrorists.

Jamaican shoe bomber.

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-"These are £200 Nikes. I ain't blowing them up!"

"You're crazy!

"Blow up MY shoes?!"

Salah!

Jamaican pants bomber.

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-"Now listen, let me get this straight.

"You are hasking me...

"..to wear these giant hunfashionable, hunderpants...

"filled with hexplosive...

"and during the flight they will blow all me tackle and tings to kingdom come?"

"But, you say, when I get to heaven...

"there will be 72 virgins waiting for me to pleasure dem?

"My question is this...

"How de hell will I pleasure 72 virgins

"when I hain't got no tackle and tings to pleasure them with?!

"I tink you'd better come up with another idea!"

Good night!

# Whenever I'm out trying to have some fun

# They say it'll kill you

# Ooh-ooh-ooh!

# They tell you don't eat that burger with the sesame bun

# It's going to kill you Kill me too

# They say go on a diet Steam it, don't fry it

# Now that just makes me sick

# Don't be a dick

# And that pain in my chest You know it's all down to stress

# It's going to kill you

# I say Lisa Can I get a pizza?

# Pepperoni and some extra cheese

# She said you can't have that

# It's got too much fat And it will clog up your arteries

# It's all gone too far

# There's too much information

-# Just trying to help you

-Oh, yeah

# Open up and say ah-ah!

# Ah!

# Don't need no medication

# Just get me a burger with some cholesterol on the side

# Just going round town Trying to have some fun

-# They say it'll kill you

-Ooh-ooh-ooh!

# I ain't going to the gym I ain't going for a run

# Cos it'll kill you And it'll kill me too

# They say we know you're wealthy You've got to eat healthy

# Well, that ain't going to work

# He's such a jerk

# And you can't eat sweeties Cos you'll get diabetes

# And it'll kill you

# You got to have beans And plenty of greens

# Well, to me that just don't seem right

# You won't put weight on if you eat vegetation

# Cos that sure kills your appetite

# I ain't no fool Don't need interrogation

-# You are in a bad state

-Oh, yeah

# Got an increased heart rate

# Don't want no ooh colonic irrigation

# Just give me a margarita with everything on it

# I ain't changing my habits Cos I ain't a rabbit

# I'm a big, fat teddy bear

# Fat teddy bear

# So porridge or pasta It don't really matter

# It all kills you. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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