The One Lenny Henry The Ones


The One Lenny Henry

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Ooo-Kaay! Katanga, my friends! Ah-a! Ah-a!

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Y'knaa what I mean? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

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Mr Lenny Henry!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, and welcome to The One Lenny Henry!

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CHEERING

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Or, as I'm known in the Midlands, Dudleyman!

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There's a lot of superhero movies on at the moment -

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Spiderman, Batman, Captain America. Have you seen Captain America?

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That's the only country in the world that fits into a title like that.

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I've tried it with lots of others - Captain France! Dun-dun-dun!

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"Captain Francais!

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"The Nazis are setting the Louvre on fire, help us!"

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"Why do you tell me this in the middle of lunch?

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"Perhaps when I have finished my wine,

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"made love to a beautiful woman, enjoyed a cigarette,

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"maybe then, I will,

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"if I am not too knackered,

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"look for a fire extinguisher."

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Captain Italy...

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-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"Senor Italiano, the rebels are attacking Rome

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"and killing everything in their path. What should we do?"

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"Find me the fastest car you can and let's get the hell out of here!"

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Captain Nigeria?

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LAUGHTER

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There, you see?

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You know, man, Captain Nigeria would be cool, wouldn't he?

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Murderous aliens have invaded his palace,

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Captain Nigeria isn't fazed at all.

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-NIGERIAN ACCENT:

-"I am so glad you are here, eeeeh..."

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"Ah, Sirius 5 is my favourite planet, eeeh.

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"Look at you - seven arms, four eyes -

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"I think I know your sistah."

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LAUGHTER

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"Now, what I need you to do is

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"put all of your money into my bank account.

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"I promise to pay you £20 million at a date to be arranged.

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"You can trust me because I am Captain Nigeria, eeeh."

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I love going to the pictures, but what's the big FBI warning

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at the beginning of every movie now?

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Every movie, big FBI warning

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"Warning, film piracy could lead to five years in jail or a 250,000 fine."

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You're sitting there like...

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LAUGHTER

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"I didn't know the FBI had a branch in West Bromwich."

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LAUGHTER

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It's not exactly top of the crime league, is it?

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You go to jail, you're in your cell, talking to your new cellmate...

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"What are you in for?"

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"Armed robbery. What about you?"

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"I illegally recorded Alvin And The Chipmunks 3."

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LAUGHTER

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People buying pirate DVDs dirt cheap -

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you get it home, stick it on the DVD player, you draw the curtains,

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you know it's wrong, but you don't care!

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It's the new edition of Pirates Of The Caribbean. You love that movie, man!

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The picture's pin sharp, perfect sound, HD levels,

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Jack Sparrow comes on - you love Jack Sparrow -

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then he says, "Woo suffabotha woo-yo..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..jit-abuyo awdoybo...

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"..zit-aburrow doreho...

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"Savvy?"

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You're looking at each other - no wonder it only cost 50-bloody-p!

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From the makers of Twilight and Breaking Dawn, a new adventure -

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Late Afternoon.

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Well, Early Evening.

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Actually, around 6.30.

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Let's call it Dusk.

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'When I first met Edward, I knew he was different,

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'and I knew that our destinies were intertwined.'

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You're impossibly strong, your eyes change colour,

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and sometimes you speak like you're from a different world.

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Your skin is pale white, yet black...

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I know where you're from.

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Go on.

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You're from Birmingham.

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Is it that obvious?

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You're a...

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Say it.

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Out loud. Say it.

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You're a Brumpire.

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I want you to take me into your world.

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A world of darkness and chaos.

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You mean the Bullring?

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I can't, it's too dangerous.

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What do you mean?

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There's three lanes of traffic going round it,

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you'd never make it across.

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Oh.

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'I knew I was breaking all the rules by wanting him.

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'Then I met...Jacob.'

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Bella, don't go near him.

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Why not?

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He's not one of us.

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What is he?

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He's a werewolf.

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Where's he from?

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Werewolverhampton.

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He's been wandering the Midlands for thousands of years.

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Are you saying he's a Werewolverhampton Wanderer?

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No, you said that.

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'I was strangely drawn to Jacob.'

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Kiss me.

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LOUD SMOOCHING

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No, wait!

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I promise to love you every moment of for ever,

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and then a bit longer after that.

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And then some more.

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You love him?

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Yes, but he's got a bit clingy.

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How do I get rid of him?

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Leave that with me, chap.

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Oi, Fido! Here, boy.

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Do you want the stick? Do you want to fetch the stick, boy?

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Fetch, boy! Go on, boy!

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HE BARKS AND GROWLS

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Bella, we must go. Up!

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-Actually, shall we just walk instead?

-OK, yeah.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's happening, world?

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My name is Delbert Wilkins, and this is www.dwtv.cru-shal.

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well-ard, well-ard, well-ard.tv.com forward-slash dot, y'knaa what I mean?

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I know what you are thinking.

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"Why haven't we seen this handsome dude since the '80s

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"when he used to broadcast from the centre of the civilised world -

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"the shed on the roof of his tower block in Brixton?"

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Well, the first lickle hiccup was this - they knocked it down,

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and I couldn't get a signal from the top of the rubble, y'knaa what I mean?

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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I watched the riots.

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I thought I was having a flashback to April 1981 and I got scared.

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I mean, Bucks Fizz was number two in the charts and I thought,

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"I don't want to live through that again!"

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But the thing is, the '81 riots,

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they were about people wanting better housing,

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more job opportunities and an end to stop-and-search.

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This time they just wanted iPads and trainers!

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Forget the issues of social deprivation,

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I'm all right as long as I've got a Wi-Fi on the move and comfortable feet, 'dred.

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The riots were on telly every night.

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It was like a regular show, wasn't it?

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The BBC started putting out trailers for it -

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"Tonight after Eastenders, a new series - Britain's Got Rioters."

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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You were waiting for Piers Morgan to say,

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"That was a terrible performance. you dropped three TVs on your way out the shop."

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I said to my daughter, Beyonce, I looked at her, I said,

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"Have you seen this, darling?"

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She was like, "I don't want to watch it now, Dad,

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"I'll wait for the box set to come out." Y'knaa what I mean?

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-Perhaps we should have invited Donovan after all.

-Nonsense!

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It's good to put that man behind you once and for all.

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You've chosen a good husband, Ruth.

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Mr Sanderson is a solid, reliable, upstanding member of the community.

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Yes.

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Whereas Donovan Bogarde is an uncouth,

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outrageous man who is obsessed with sex.

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Yes!

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Remember, do not let this man in, by any means necessary.

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Reverend.

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Mrs Johnson...

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Donovan?

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Come on, Mrs Johnson. Why the surprise?

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You know I've always wanted to celebrate your nuptials.

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-Do you know this vicar?

-I have visited her parish many times.

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True, I have not yet seen the hin-side of her cathedral,

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but she has a very accommodating rector.

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-I beg your pardon?

-And God created woman, and he said it was good.

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But I say it's better than good.

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It is a bounteous piece of super crea-tion!

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Designed for prolonged physical hex-plora-tion!

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-With me hon-board satellite naviga-tion!

-Reverend,

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shall we just get on with the service?

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-Hey, my church, my rules.

-Donovan?

-Call me Your Holiness

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and I will grant you a private hau-dience you will never forget.

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Come, receive me blessings, kiss me ring, and if you stay on your knees

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-long enough, I'll give you a ride on me Popemobile!

-Reverend! What the hell is going on here?!

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Shouldn't the real question be, what the hell is going on there?

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I don't know what you're talking about.

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Hey! Hey! Hey!

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Come on, Mrs Johnson, it was meant to be. I is Jonah, you is the whale.

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I is Moses, you is me fatted calf.

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-Reverend Bogarde!

-Oh-oh!

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-Do you know who I am? This is my wife.

-No, she isn't.

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You never said "I do".

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-I do.

-Well, I don't.

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Come on, Mrs Johnson, hurry up. Giddy up, Mrs Johnson!

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Donovan, you have any idea where we're going?

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Paradise, Mrs Johnson! Paradise!

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-I've been doing Shakespeare.

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

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Yeah, serious stuff. Othello.

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-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-Actually, when a black guy says

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he's been doing Shakespeare, Othello's what he usually means.

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Not many of us go, "I'm opening in the National in Romeo And Juliet!

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"I'm playing Man Who Holds Ladder for Romeo in the balcony scene!"

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Amazing experience, Othello, but it was nerve-wracking,

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cos I'd never done it before, you know.

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This is one of the greatest tragedies of all time,

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and I'm a comedian.

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I'd be in the middle of a really big, important speech,

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"Most potent, grave and reverend signiors,

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"my very noble and approved good masters,"

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and I'm hearing a little voice in my head...

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-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"What's wrong?

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"Why aren't they laughing?!"

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This is me, aged 16, just started out.

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All I want to do is make the audience laugh.

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I'll be in the middle of the play and there'd be a moment where I'd hear...

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-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"Go on, chap, make 'em laugh."

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"No, no, this is Shakespeare, I've got to concentrate!

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"Let him do his spite. My services, which I have done the signiory,

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"shall out-tongue his complaints."

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-AS FRANK SPENCER:

-"Hello!

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"I've been having a bit of trouble!"

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"No, no, no!" It's a nightmare!

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The most tempting scene - the death scene at the end.

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Othello has just mistakenly killed Desdemona, his beloved -

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he smothered her with a pillow.

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He's in total despair, wracked with guilt. He's about to stab himself.

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"Soft you. A word or two before you go.

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"I have done the state some service, and they know't. No more of that."

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-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-"Knife, pillow, pillow, knife!

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"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen - I did kill her, just like that!"

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I try and look after myself.

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Try and stay healthy.

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I take lots of vitamins and supplements. Anybody else do that?

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Don't they affect the colour of your wee, though?

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Mine goes bronze! I'm in the loo, going, "Wow!

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"I could fake-tan the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex with this!"

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I don't know if it's cos I'm getting older,

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but I've been reading the obituaries more and more recently.

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It's like a school report for your whole life, isn't it?

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Little snarky comments along the side.

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"Never quite fulfilled his potential."

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"Should've paid more attention...

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"especially when he walked out in front of that bus."

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Some people have done amazing things with their lives.

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You know, war heroes.

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Took on a machine-gun nest single-handedly,

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won the citation for bravery under fire.

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How can anybody compete with that?

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Just you think right now, OK, about all the courageous things

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you've done in your life that they'd put in your obituary.

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Just think. I've been doing this a lot.

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Sat in first class on the train with a second-class ticket.

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Didn't move until the bloke said, "Tickets, please."

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I'm in the bank, in the queue. A huge bloke pushed in front of me.

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I said, "Excuse me, there's a queue here."

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Everybody in the bank applauded me...

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and then got out the way and watched him beat me up.

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"What'd you say, Ainsley? What did you say to me, Ainsley?"

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Thing is, I know they've got my obituary ready somewhere, OK?

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And I'm glad I'm not going to see it,

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because I know that nothing is going to matter, OK?

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It's not going to matter that I've won awards

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or done Shakespeare or Comic Relief

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or slept in the Amazon jungle for three nights on my own.

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None of that's going to matter. Know why?

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Because my obituary headline's going to say "Premier Inn bloke dies."

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-I'm over here, Steve.

-Yo, Leroy. Wha g'wan, Swagga Don?

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-I'm all right, Steve, you know.

-So what ya sayin', brudda?

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-Got a new business, innit?

-Blarted. What ya teifin'?

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I ain't teifin' nothin', it's legit.

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It's a delivery business, right?

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You all right, Steve?

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You got a rash, or something?

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No, man. Me good like fresh mango.

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Steve, look, right, you're talking like you're a black geezer and you isn't one, bro.

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Kiss me neck, back, what do you mean I ain't black?

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Me may look like dis on tha outside, but inside, I'm Nubian Rasta!

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Listen, you fool, my forefathers spoke in patois

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so the slave masters couldn't understand them, right?

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-It's our language and you're hijacking it.

-Bumbaclot!

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Wake up, man. Me got a right. Me family was slaves an' all, you know.

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What you talking about?

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-Me mams was a slave for real.

-Your mum weren't no slave, Steve.

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She was the original slave, belie-e-eve.

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-Where was she a slave?

-Tesco's.

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Tesco's?

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Tesco's didn't have no slaves.

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Slavery goes all the way before Tesco's.

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Slavery goes all the way back to, like, Barclays Bank.

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I'm telling you, man, she was a slave. Truss-s-sst.

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How could she be a slave?

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Cos they paid her 1.50 an hour and them's slave wages, dread.

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That was in 1973, right?

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You could buy a Ford Capri for that money in them days.

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Steve, why can't you talk in your own patois?

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Dready, me don't got no patois.

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Yeah, you do. You got all the London cockney slang.

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"All right, darlin'?" "You don't get many of them to the pound."

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"Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit." "Gertcha!"

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"Get aht my pub!" "Sorted." "Read all abaht it in the Stand-id."

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That's you and your posse.

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RINGTONE PLAYS "The Power" by Snap

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-POSH VOICE:

-Hello, Urban Deliveries, can I help you?

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We can absolutely do that for you on Thursday, of course. Not at all.

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Have a marvellous day.

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Me could, erm, learn to talk like that, you know.

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Help you with your business.

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-POSH VOICE:

-Hello, Urban Deliveries, Steven Parkin speaking.

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How may I be of assistance? You rass!

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-We'll work on that, all right?

-Let's do it!

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Steve, Steve. The cockney walk, remember?

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Oh, yeah, yeah.

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# Consider yourself

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# One of us. #

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Much better, bruv.

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Much better.

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HE WHIMPERS

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HE SPLUTTERS AND SNEEZES

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HE SOBS

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HE SCREAMS

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LOUD HISSING

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HE SCREAMS

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LOUD HISSING

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HE SCREAMS

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Everything is automated now, don't you find this?

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I sometimes get a robotic voice ringing my house.

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You know, ring-ring, you pick it up, "Hello?"

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-ROBOTIC ACCENT:

-"Do not hang up.

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"Would you like to consolidate all your debts into one big debt?"

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It's ringing up every other day now.

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I just get my own back now, I talk back to it!

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He goes, "Hello." I go, "Hello, do not hang up,

0:22:060:22:09

"I find your voice strangely attractive."

0:22:090:22:12

He goes, "I'm sorry." I go, "What are you wearing?"

0:22:120:22:15

He goes, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:22:150:22:18

By the time I've finished with him, he's in overload.

0:22:180:22:21

"Ma-ma-ma-ma..."

0:22:210:22:23

# Will always love you... #

0:22:230:22:25

HE IMITATES AN EXPLOSION

0:22:250:22:29

One of the most annoying automated things is at the bank or the post office. You know, the window voice?

0:22:290:22:34

"Window number three, please!"

0:22:340:22:36

"Window number four, please! Window number six..."

0:22:380:22:41

Who is this guy? Who is it? Do you think he's the same at home?

0:22:410:22:44

"Darling, I'm home now!

0:22:440:22:47

"Where are all the children?"

0:22:470:22:50

"Staying at their mother's!"

0:22:500:22:52

"That is most unusual! Please tell me you're not leaving!

0:22:520:22:56

"What do you mean, I'm bloody annoying?"

0:22:560:22:59

So, airports are full of technology, right?

0:23:020:23:05

I get vexed at the airport now, though.

0:23:050:23:07

All the security makes me SO mad!

0:23:070:23:10

Can't take anything on the plane any more.

0:23:100:23:12

They took Nivea off me the other day, Nivea?!

0:23:120:23:15

What I going to do? Moisturise my way into the cockpit?

0:23:150:23:19

Nobody move!

0:23:190:23:20

My skin IS silky smooth, isn't it?

0:23:200:23:23

If you can't take it on board, they make you throw it away.

0:23:260:23:29

Water bottles, shampoo...

0:23:290:23:31

A crying baby.

0:23:310:23:33

Come on, who wants to sit next to one of them?

0:23:330:23:35

They should have their own plane, shouldn't they?

0:23:350:23:38

Either that, or take a gallon of Calpol with you!

0:23:380:23:41

The liquid cosh! We've all done that, haven't we?

0:23:430:23:46

"Come on, there you go."

0:23:460:23:48

"There you go, come on, there you go, come on.

0:23:480:23:52

"THERE you go."

0:23:520:23:55

"You'll be off in a minute. There you go!"

0:23:550:23:57

Kid wakes up three days later.

0:23:570:24:01

"Did we go to Disneyland?"

0:24:020:24:04

"I've got sideburns?!"

0:24:060:24:08

Jamaicans would not make good terrorists, OK?

0:24:090:24:13

We just forget that, all right? We would not make good terrorists.

0:24:130:24:16

Jamaican shoe bomber.

0:24:160:24:18

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-"These are £200 Nikes. I ain't blowing them up!"

0:24:180:24:21

"You're crazy!

0:24:210:24:23

"Blow up MY shoes?!"

0:24:230:24:26

Salah!

0:24:260:24:27

Jamaican pants bomber.

0:24:310:24:33

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-"Now listen, let me get this straight.

0:24:330:24:36

"You are hasking me...

0:24:360:24:38

"..to wear these giant hunfashionable, hunderpants...

0:24:400:24:44

"filled with hexplosive...

0:24:440:24:46

"and during the flight they will blow all me tackle and tings to kingdom come?"

0:24:460:24:50

"But, you say, when I get to heaven...

0:24:520:24:57

"there will be 72 virgins waiting for me to pleasure dem?

0:24:570:25:01

"My question is this...

0:25:010:25:04

"How de hell will I pleasure 72 virgins

0:25:040:25:08

"when I hain't got no tackle and tings to pleasure them with?!

0:25:080:25:12

"I tink you'd better come up with another idea!"

0:25:120:25:16

Good night!

0:25:160:25:18

# Whenever I'm out trying to have some fun

0:25:240:25:27

# They say it'll kill you

0:25:270:25:30

# Ooh-ooh-ooh!

0:25:300:25:31

# They tell you don't eat that burger with the sesame bun

0:25:310:25:35

# It's going to kill you Kill me too

0:25:350:25:39

# They say go on a diet Steam it, don't fry it

0:25:390:25:43

# Now that just makes me sick

0:25:430:25:45

# Don't be a dick

0:25:450:25:47

# And that pain in my chest You know it's all down to stress

0:25:470:25:50

# It's going to kill you

0:25:500:25:54

# I say Lisa Can I get a pizza?

0:25:540:25:58

# Pepperoni and some extra cheese

0:25:580:26:01

# She said you can't have that

0:26:010:26:03

# It's got too much fat And it will clog up your arteries

0:26:030:26:08

# It's all gone too far

0:26:080:26:11

# There's too much information

0:26:110:26:14

-# Just trying to help you

-Oh, yeah

0:26:140:26:16

# Open up and say ah-ah!

0:26:160:26:17

# Ah!

0:26:170:26:18

# Don't need no medication

0:26:180:26:21

# Just get me a burger with some cholesterol on the side

0:26:210:26:24

# Just going round town Trying to have some fun

0:26:240:26:28

-# They say it'll kill you

-Ooh-ooh-ooh!

0:26:280:26:32

# I ain't going to the gym I ain't going for a run

0:26:320:26:35

# Cos it'll kill you And it'll kill me too

0:26:350:26:39

# They say we know you're wealthy You've got to eat healthy

0:26:390:26:44

# Well, that ain't going to work

0:26:440:26:45

# He's such a jerk

0:26:450:26:47

# And you can't eat sweeties Cos you'll get diabetes

0:26:470:26:50

# And it'll kill you

0:26:500:26:53

# You got to have beans And plenty of greens

0:26:540:26:58

# Well, to me that just don't seem right

0:26:580:27:02

# You won't put weight on if you eat vegetation

0:27:020:27:06

# Cos that sure kills your appetite

0:27:060:27:10

# I ain't no fool Don't need interrogation

0:27:100:27:14

-# You are in a bad state

-Oh, yeah

0:27:140:27:16

# Got an increased heart rate

0:27:160:27:17

# Don't want no ooh colonic irrigation

0:27:170:27:21

# Just give me a margarita with everything on it

0:27:210:27:24

# I ain't changing my habits Cos I ain't a rabbit

0:27:240:27:28

# I'm a big, fat teddy bear

0:27:280:27:31

# Fat teddy bear

0:27:310:27:32

# So porridge or pasta It don't really matter

0:27:320:27:36

# It all kills you. #

0:27:360:27:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:390:27:42

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:020:28:05

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:050:28:08

Lenny Henry showcases brand new stand-up combined with characters reprised from his early career and some new sketches. For the first time in twenty years, Lenny reprises a favourite from his Lenny Henry Show days, pirate radio DJ, Delbert Wilkins. Smooth talking Donovan Bogarde returns still in hot pursuit of Mrs Johnson and new sketches include a Twilight spoof and a send up of Cee Lo Green's Forget You. Lenny is joined by guest appearances from Ronni Ancona, Omid Djalili and Peter Serafinowicz.


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