The One Jasper Carrott The Ones

Ladies and gentlemen, Jasper Carrott!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

You... You remember me! Good start, good start!

Hi there. Welcome to the show.

Now, I haven't done TV for quite a while

and you're looking at me thinking, "Yes, we know."

There's a very good reason why I haven't done it

because I can't dance, I can't skate and I'm a crap cook.

LAUGHTER

It's been fascinating. I'm sort of back on the road.

Some things have changed, some haven't.

I've had to change the backstage hospitality a bit.

For years, you know, it's been booze, uppers, downers,

that's all had to change now.

Now, now I have to insist on Deep Heat...

Horlicks...

..and a bath with a door in it.

LAUGHTER

As you get older, cor, my God, I don't half snore!

Do I snore, eh? You ask Cheryl Cole.

People don't let you forget that you're getting older.

You are constantly reminded.

I mean, you turn on the television

and there's that advert by Michael Parkinson, eh?

That's right. And he's telling me it's time I planned my own funeral.

And I have to pay for it

by sending him the money!

Oh, and if I sign up, he'll send me a free gift...

a shovel.

Actually, I don't have to go to those lengths

because I have life insurance.

Yes!

I tell you, I'm always impressed by life insurance salesmen.

I think they're brilliant, cos what they're saying is,

"Right, right, Mr Carrott, OK. Every month you'll give us loads of money

"and when you die, we give it you back."

Selling time-share's a piece of cake after that!

But of course, they don't give it me back.

They give it to my children, which is...which is a double-edged sword

because it might give my children piece of mind,

but it also gives them a motive.

I'm getting concerned. They keep sending me to Switzerland.

Hotel Dignitas.

They found it on lastminute.com.

APPLAUSE

I've been a couple of times, it's really weird!

I'm the only one who comes down for breakfast.

And what do they give you for breakfast?

Cheerios.

COCKEREL CROWS

Chicken Pate brings you the news from around the British Isles.

Strictly Come Dancing...

And it's obvious that nerves get the better

of this year's new contestants.

The economy...

And first-time buyers are taking ever more desperate measures

to get onto the housing ladder.

TV news...

Miranda Hart and Ronnie Corbett team up for a new keep-fit DVD.

Travel...

EasyJet launches a new £10 fare to Malaga.

For an extra £200, you can fly in the plane.

And there's fun at Old Trafford,

when Wayne Rooney is suspended once again

as team mates put his hair transplant through its paces.

Pop news...

And Take That re-form for their final tour of the Island of Sark.

Film news...

And controversy

as Hollywood releases a blue movie version of The Invisible Man.

Finally, celebrity news...

At long last, people get a glimpse of Katie Price without her make-up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What I find is that...my generation, and I call them the Baby Boomers,

if you like,

we have had to pay for everybody.

I mean, I've paid for my children when they were young,

I paid for my parents when they got old,

I'm going to have to pay for myself when I'm dead

and now I'm going to have to pay for grandchildren.

Whoopee(!)

OK, I've got grandchildren.

Let me get rid of a myth here, right.

I mean, they say, "Oh, grandchildren, how wonderful,

"cos like, when you've finished playing with them and you're bored,

"you can hand them back."

Balder-dollocks!

You can't get rid of them, they're like herpes!

And if me and the missus want to go out, we have to pay for babysitters!

And if we can't find babysitters,

we have to ask the parents to come round

and they won't unless we pay 'em!

And they're forever at the house, I can't get rid of them.

I'm cleaning up after them, arm stuck halfway up the U-bend

cos Buzz Lightyear's gone scuba diving.

And me back's killing me!

I mean, three hours solid

playing piggy back with my five-year-old granddaughter, eh?

I fell off.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, we don't make it easy for ourselves, you know?

Cos like, as soon as we get to 40

we all want to look 20 and that's when the Botox comes in

and the liposuction and the surgery.

And of course, surgery can go wrong.

You won't remember this, but I used to be black.

And I find that getting old does have its advantages.

I mean, I'm a great admirer of cougars.

Phwoar.

Yeah? You know what I'm on about?

Come on!

You know, mature women on the prowl,

lusting for intimate relationships with younger men.

"Go for it, girls, yeah!"

A cougar for me would be 98...

..with an insatiable lust for bingo.

Where would you go after a date?

Back to her place, the care home.

Up and down all night...

on the stairlift.

Actually, Stannah have got a new stairlift out.

It's called the Rapide.

It gets you to the top of the stairs

before you forget what you were going up there for in the first place.

What does take some getting used to

is that young people used to respect older people

but that's not the case anymore.

We have to respect young people. That's the way it is.

Cos it's a young people's world and everything is geared to youth.

Advertising agencies are obsessed with youth. Why? I don't know.

I mean, we've got the money.

But why are they advertising BMWs to people with paper rounds?

Doesn't make sense to me.

And I mean, all the adverts are for young people.

The only advert on TV for me is Specsavers.

And I can't read it.

And the drinks they advertise. I don't understand them.

I don't know what they are.

WKD, Wicked. What is it?

I don't know. Soup? Beer? Wine? I haven't got a clue.

And Jagermeister, Aftershock. Why don't they make drinks for us?

You know, something like a Night Nurse Breezer.

A Sanatogen Slammer.

Or how about an alcopop made out of syrup of figs and Imodium?

You wouldn't know whether you're coming or going, would you?

APPLAUSE

This is the biggest investment Aston Villa have ever made, Sergei.

Relax, my friend, he is insured.

I'm not talking about insurance,

I'm talking about the threat of kidnapping!

My lad needs physical protection while he's in hospital.

You make sure he gets the best, will you?

Don't worry, he has your very own Sherlock and Holmes.

Sherlock and Holmes.

That's us.

-S.A.S?

-Safety and...

Senility.

Security. He's Sherlock, I'm Holmes.

Thought I was Holmes?

Gentlemen, can I help you?

Yes, we're supposed to be looking after a Mr Kolyvagin.

He's got tonsillitis.

He's in the anaesthetic suite.

The porters will be down in a couple of minutes to take him into surgery.

Thank you.

-Who's Sherlock and Holmes?

-Famous detectives.

Well, I've never heard of them.

Just cos you don't read Shakespeare.

MACHINE BEEPS

Right, the first rule of security.

Don't let the client play with your Taser gun.

That happened once. You'll not let it go, will you?

-You gave him a heart attack.

-I thought it was a hairdryer.

It certainly made his hair stand on end.

Anyway, that's not a rule.

The first rule of security is to secure all access points.

Oh, right. Oh, hang on a minute.

Ooh, they can get in and out of here easy enough, can't they?

We don't want him exposed to that, he's going to catch his death.

Er...let's move him.

Hey, not so fast. These hands are deadly weapons.

We're the porters.

Just what a Russian mafia kidnapper'd say.

Badge. We work here.

Show him your Taser, that'll do it.

I left it in the office.

I've got the hairdryer.

Can we get on with this?

We need to get this bloke to surgery.

We can't let him out of our sight.

Says his name's McGuffin on here.

That's the other bloke.

Oh, our mistake! Sorry.

-On you go.

-Sorry.

-That could have been embarrassing.

-Better safe than sorry.

After all these years you're still paranoid, aren't you?

Come on, lighten up a bit.

Watch your backs!

OK, easy as you go, lads. Take it easy.

Leave this to me, all right?

Some of us have still got our police instinct.

All right, lads?

Good day to you.

The sun is always shining in Leamington Spa.

I wouldn't know, I've never been.

Enough small talk. We are here for comrade Mr Kolyvagin.

Now, you're not here to kidnap him, are you?

DAVE LAUGHS

-ALL LAUGH

-Sound. Come on, this way.

PUNCHES THROWN AND SCUFFLING

HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN

Stop! He's broken my leg!

You're such a wimp. Hang on a minute, hang on.

Sorry, needs must.

Police! Police!

We are the police!

-'Doors closing. Going down.'

-They're in the lift, they're in the lift!

Wait! Aah!

Come on, Bob, the stairs!

Me hands. You're not worried about me hands, are you, no?

BOB PANTS

I'm getting too old for this.

All right for you. You've been sitting down the whole way.

-What you doing?

-It's oxygen.

-You can't do that.

That is abuse of hospital property.

We are in enough trouble as it is.

We've lost a £100 million footballer.

Here, give us a swig.

DAVE INHALES DEEPLY

APPLAUSE

# There she was just walking down the street

# Singing, do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do... #

-WOMAN SHOUTS:

-Turn it off!

# Tappin' her fingers... #

Oi!

APPLAUSE

Dad, why does it have to be so loud?

It's not loud, I can hardly hear it.

I'm going out soon, anyway.

Whoa, whoa, are you going to go out dressed like that?

Like what?

Like Jeremy Clarkson in Primark.

All the lads wear this.

All right. Got your mobile phone?

Yes.

Have you learnt to text yet?

Boring!

Oh, God. All right, well, if you lose it

-you pay for it out of your own winter fuel allowance.

-What?!

Where are you going to go?

-HE MUMBLES

-I'll go out and em...

You're off to the golf club again, aren't you?

Well, there's nothing to do round here, is there?

You cannot spend all day mucking about in a sandpit.

-Why don't you get a job?

-I had a job!

What happened to it?

I turned up one day and someone else was doing it.

-SHE SNIFFS

-What's that... What's that smell?

What are you wearing?

VapoRub.

LAUGHTER

-Really?

-The ladies love it!

Oh. Ooh! Have you got protection?

Oh!

-Yes!

-Thank you.

And don't forget what I told you about drugs.

-HE SIGHS

-Don't get the arthritis ones mixed up with the angina ones.

Very good.

So what time shall I pick you up?

You don't have to do that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Last time the police brought you home.

-Yes, but...

-And why did the police bring you home?

Because I couldn't remember where I lived.

Mm.

And...you couldn't walk in a straight line.

Well, I've got a new hip now!

I'm not having any of this nonsense any more.

Any more trouble, there will be no Countdown for a week.

It's like living with Adolf Hitler here!

It's... Who?

All right, OK.

You know what, I'll pick you up at 11.

-11?

-Yes.

11?!

I'm not a teenager!

All right! Half past nine.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Well, have a lovely time.

-Thank you.

Whoa, going to give us a kiss?

What? Oh, do I have to?

No-one's here to see!

Thank you.

I feel a big sissy now!

Oi!

-Now what?!

-Woolly hat.

I can still have you adopted, you know!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, OK. Here's a task.

Give me a word that rhymes with bankers.

You didn't have to phone a friend, did you? No.

That's two different words that mean exactly the same thing.

And these tosspots have destroyed the economy of the world.

I mean, I've got a friend who is a banker and he is ashamed to admit it.

He refuses he has anything to do with banking.

He'll admit to being a British National Party supporter...

..but banker? No.

You see, the trouble began

when bankers started to loan money they haven't got,

to people they didn't know,

to buy houses they couldn't afford

at interest rates that were astronomical.

They paid themselves fortunes to do it

and when it all went belly up, they threw their hands in the air

and went, "Pfft, who could have predicted that?"

Yeah.

Yeah.

All these bankers running out of the woods going,

"You won't believe what the bears are doing in there!"

And do the bankers blame themselves?

No. They blame the pigs.

No, not the police, the PIGS...

that's Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain.

Countries that are all going bankrupt

and expecting us to get them out of the mire.

Does that not worry you?

Because on the horizon is Hungary, Italy,

Turkey and Estonia.

Then you'll have pig shite.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE So...

I mean, it's farcical. I mean, let's take Greece. OK?

Well, we could do, the amount of money we've given them.

Six billion euros!

I mean, what are they spending it on?

It's not new buildings, is it?

It's not driving lessons.

I tell you what they spend it on...

the military.

Greece has a population of 11 million people.

Half a million of them are in the army. Half a million!

How many troops do you need

to protect Mykonos from British hen parties?

And who's going to invade Greece? It won't be America, will it?

Oh, no, the only oil in Greece is in the food.

But, have you seen the Greek military?

I mean, it is farcical.

They wear those military slippers with pompoms on

and ra-ra skirts and beanie hats.

It'd be like being invaded by half a million Morris dancers.

But of course, the language of money is changing.

I was trying to explain to my grandchildren what a trillion was.

And this is a fact,

that if Jesus Christ had spent

a million pounds a day from the day he was born to the present day,

he wouldn't even be anywhere near spending a trillion pounds.

It's that much.

And not that Jesus would spend a million pounds a day.

Oh, no, Jesus saves.

LAUGHTER

They ought to put him in goal at the Arsenal.

I mean, a billionaire is a rich man now

and there's a race on of course, to be the first trillionaire.

It's between Bill Gates, the Sultan of Brunei

and Manchester City's centre forward.

And I don't know about you, I've lost track of the meaning of money.

I mean, I was on the train

coming down from Birmingham to here last week.

Yes, yes, I can afford the train.

It's flash, isn't it?

And I bought a cup of tea and it was £1.70.

£1.70 for a cup of tea.

It's a tea bag and some water.

£1.70!

You could go to Asda and get kitted out for a wedding for that!

People are losing confidence in money

which is why they are now prepared to pay nearly 2,000

for an ounce of gold.

And why? Why are people buying gold?

I mean, it's not an essential, is it?

It's not like food or golf.

It's just soft and melty but we buy it.

You might just as well have a monetary system based upon Mars bars.

Soft, melty but at least you can eat them.

And it's not so daft

because economists use something called the Mars Bar Principle

and what it means is that Mars bars - ever since they've been made -

have held their value in relative terms

because in 1950, a week's wages would buy you 500 Mars bars

and a week's wages today would buy you 500 Mars bars.

Now, if Jesus Christ had invested

one million pounds a day in chocolate bars,

today he would have 735 billion of them...

..and diabetes.

But money is becoming even more ludicrous now

because the Government are starting something called

"quantitative easing."

Not easy to say.

Basically, it's a euphemism for printing money.

They're just going to print money out of thin air.

£275 billion of it.

I mean, you know, it's like "Go straight to jail, do not pass go."

We're in Monopoly world here.

The point is, if this carries on,

eventually, the cost of the paper and the ink to print the money

will be more than the face value of the money they're printing.

So the Government are going to have to borrow more money

to pay for the cost of printing the money they're borrowing

to pay for the cost of printing the money

that's not worth the paper it's written on!

APPLAUSE

And you tell people that and they don't believe you!

At home, this is for real.

At home, seriously,

I have a ten trillion dollar Zimbabwean bank note.

Seriously, A ten trillion dollar Zimbabwean bank note.

It's the length of a toilet roll

and ironically, it's not enough to buy a toilet roll in Zimbabwe.

And in fact, people in Zimbabwe

use the bank notes instead of toilet paper,

which is satisfying because after 30 years of Mugabe,

his face is finally being put to good use.

Bob?

Bob?

Just another couple of minutes, sweetheart.

Give me a nice, big cuddle.

BOB!

Yaargh!

We are in deep trouble!

No-one need find out.

We didn't do anything, did we?

Not that!

You have lost one hundred million pounds worth of footballer.

-Me?

-Yes, you!

Dave?

God, they'll lynch us.

-Dave.

-What?

That footballer bloke...

Yeah, the one you lost!

Yeah, him.

We switched him over.

Yes.

He was here.

-BOTH:

-And now, he's here!

-THEY CHEER

-We've done it!

What is all that noise? Oh, it's you two.

Finally awake, are we?

What are we doing here?

We found you in the corridor, so we popped you into bed.

He's here!

Yes, of course he's here. Would you please keep your voices down.

He's recovering from surgery.

Dave? He's still got his tonsils.

Of course he's still has his tonsils! Why wouldn't he?

We don't remove a man's tonsils when we amputate a leg, do we now?

Mr McGuffin here had blood clots, not tonsillitis.

DOOR CLOSES

Waa-ah!

BOB YELLS

This was our £100 million footballer!

He's only worth £50 million now.

-Let's get out of here.

-What's the hurry, he's not going to chase us?!

-It's not him I'm worried about.

-BOB WHIMPERS

-Hello.

-Can I help you?

Yes, we're just here to see

how Mr Kolyvagin's recovering after his tonsillectomy?

You know what this means, don't you?

Yep, we have to change the name of the company.

The end of the road for Sherlock and Holmes.

How about Scotland and Yard?

Rockford and Files?

We'll be back.

APPLAUSE

A few years ago, I was turned down by Black Sabbath.

Ugh!

So I'm getting my own back and I've got my own supergroup tonight.

Just to introduce you.

On my right, from Roy Wood's Wizzard is Mr Phil Tree.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On drums, one of the world's greatest rock and roll drummers,

from ELO, Mr Bev Bevan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And direct from Wormwood Scrubs...

..one of the greatest musicians

this country's ever produced,

Mr Rick Wakeman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We are the old farts

# Tough as old boots and we don't do humble

# We are the old farts

# Think you're tough enough? Then we're ready to rumble

# We are the old farts

# Armed to the teeth with our Steradent dentures

# When does the fight start?

# Haven't got a clue thanks to our dementias

# Tell all the ladies we're licensed to thrill

# We change with the times and we're all on the pill

# It's blue, it's diamond, it works like stink

# Slip it in the lager and they get a stiff drink

# We are the old farts

# Wearing super-cool slippers with tartan-covered zips

# We are the old farts

# And Simon Cowell trousers with the waist above the armpits

# We are the old farts

# Tough as old boots and we don't do humble

# When does the fight start?

# Think you're tough enough? Then we're ready to rumble

# We're at it four or five times a night

# The ladies moan all through it

# If you have to use the loo that much

# Get out of bed to do it

# Make way for the old farts

# Shove your modern music, who the hell is Lady Gaga?

# Cos we are the old farts

# Give us Tina Turner better known as Lady Saga

# Make way for the old farts

# We'll be around forever no chance of slowing up

# Braver than Bravehearts

# The first living generation never to grow up. #

Thank you and goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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