The One Griff Rhys Jones The Ones

Wow, that is fantastic.

I have finally made it to the top of the greatest peak in Great Britain.

What's its blasted name again?

Ben Nevis.

Ben Nevis. All right, sorry, I'll go again.

Excuse me, just hang on, just a minute, sorry, I work for the BBC.

Yes, so do I.

-I've been sent by the Head of Light Entertainment.

-Yes.

They've ordered me to track down a great figure to return to BBC One

-and present an evening of your style of comedy.

-But I don't do that sort of thing anymore,

I do this sort of thing, I do reality now.

I wander the wild and open spaces.

But for too long you've travelled the world in search of adventure.

They want to return to the old-fashioned sketch comedy standards

for a prime-time audience.

They want me back.

Yes.

Er, let me just get down off Ben Nevis.

This is something I have to do, this is like a...

This is like a dream for me.

A proper cheque. Is it going to be a big show?

Sets with sofas.

Right. Fat suits?

Highly coloured wigs and you dressed as a lady.

Fantastic!

Absolutely. There's a lot of young people like me

that have never really seen your comedy, Mr Palin.

LAUGHTER

No, you lead on, lead on, lead on, yeah...

# I'm a lumber jack and I'm OK... #

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Griff Rhys Jones!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go!

Come on!

Hang on, OK, OK, good,

there we go,

yeah!

My name is Griff Rhys Jones.

Welcome to The One Griff. I think they're calling that just as a reassurance

that there'll never be another one.

It's great to be here and I just, er... I'm having a little...

Could you just give me a bit of slack there, could you, Dave?

Thanks very much. Thanks very much. OK. Ah, right.

No, no, er, just, just... You see,

what happened was, a little while ago,

I had no intention of doing this show. I was doing other things.

Have you read about that...that inquiry that they're doing,

the News of the World inquiry?

I-I went along there, I was so furious that I hadn't been hacked.

Me and Rolf Harris, you know, we wanted a little bit more

press intrusion and so we just, we kept going

and then I got this phone... Great, OK, thanks very much.

Good. Oh well.

So a little while ago I got a phone call from somebody

that I hadn't, I hadn't heard from for 15 years.

My agent.

And she said, look, I've just had,

I've just had somebody on the blower, hun,

and I think you should pay attention to this, hun,

because... I don't know why she calls me hun.

Maybe she thinks I'm German or something.

And she said, you need to, you need to pay attention

because it's the BBC, she said.

They've got a great idea.

What they're going to do, they're going to do The One Griff

and what that means, you see, the big idea is it'll just be me.

There'll be nobody else, just me alone on my todd.

Yeah. That lasted for about five seconds, actually.

And then they said let's have 97 guest stars in,

so that's what we've got. So, oh, I know, I have to mention this.

For the first time in my life, I'm going to be on before the watershed.

You know what I mean by that?

They going... They may force a lot of children to watch me.

I have to be very careful of what I say.

If you are used to my potty mouth they are a few words that

apparently I'm not allowed to say.

And the words are...

LAUGHTER

Just because parents might object, the words are

Justin and Bieber.

Yeah, so anyway, onwards and upwards.

Dick, I thought you'd be down at Trunchers with the rest of your floor.

It's about my bonus.

We've been more than generous, Dick.

You're a good trader but the financial climate's mighty frosty.

It's not the old days anymore.

How can you look me in the eye

and say that I'm worth a measly million, million, million?

I know a million, million, million isn't what you used to.

I'm worth at least a million, million, million, million, million.

Heard what they get at Cooper, Cooper and Cooper?

They haven't been delivering at Cooper, Cooper, Cooper

since Cooper, Cooper, Cooper and Cooper left.

We've been turning over a comfortable million, million,

million, million, million, million, million, million, million every day.

You know that. I know that.

A million, million people out there know that.

I've told you a million, million times the money's not there.

I don't know, that young Tony in accounts is getting a million,

million, million, million, million, million plus a car parking space.

You're a million, million, million miles off there, Dick.

It's only what I'm due. I've brought in a comfortable million, million, million, million,

million, million, million, million, million since I joined the firm.

I'm not denying it's been an amazing two weeks.

I could walk.

The chances of you finding somebody to do the job

as well as I do are a hundred to one.

Dick, Dick, Dick,

Dick, Dick, Dick,

Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick,

Dick, we need you here on the millionth floor

of Williams, Williams, Williams, Williams and Williams.

Well it's time you started paying me like you did, Bob Williams.

Calm down. Sit, Sit.

Leanne, could you bring in a million cups of tea?

Dick,

you're working too hard. You've been here a fortnight.

You must have some holiday owing? Take a million days off.

You'll feel a million, million, million, million dollars.

Bob, can I be straight with you?

I'm down to my last million, million, million, million.

I've got the school fees to pay and my ex-wife's on my back for

a million a week and on top of that I've got an outstanding tax bill.

-How much?

-£11,000.

How much? Christ! You should talk to Pete in offshoring.

He'll knock a couple of noughts off that.

I'm a desperate man, Bob.

I hate to see a man down. Tell you what. It's Christmas.

Here's what I'll do.

I'll write you a cheque for a million, million, million...

..million, million, million.

Now you pop off to Trunchers with the others

and get yourself a nice bottle of wine.

Thanks, Bob.

You're one in a million...

..million, million, million,

million, million, million,

million.

Good man, and don't let anybody say we don't know what someone's worth.

APPLAUSE

What team do you support, then?

Um, I don't. I mean, I don't really follow football.

I've no interest in it.

Oh right. Yeah. How d'you mean?

-I'm just not a fan.

-But you have to have team, don't yer?

No, you don't really. I don't have a team.

Oh yeah, you have to have a team.

-I mean, who do you support then?

-No-one.

I don't have any interest in football.

Oh, right, yeah. I get you, yeah.

So who do you support then? You have to have a team.

No.

-You do, you do. You live somewhere, don't yer?

-Yes. But I don't.

I know, but, I mean, if you live somewhere,

then, you have a team. That's who you support.

-Who do you support when there's a match on?

-I don't support anyone. I don't...

I don't have any interest in what happens when a man kicks a ball.

-Oh right, I see. Except when it's an England match or something like that.

-No.

No, course you do. Everybody does when England's on.

That's what happens. That's what you support, England.

Even my old mum. She supports England. She does.

That's what she does. Everybody does.

# Engaland, Engaland, Engaland,

# Engaland, Engaland, Engaland...#

# Why aye...#

No.

Are you Welsh?

Or Wales.

No, you're making this up now 'cos everybody supports a country. Everybody's got a country.

That's the way it is cos you was born in a country and you was raised in a country.

That is your country, like if there's a war or something like that.

If they drop a bomb on it then you have to support it.

It's the same with your team. You have to support it.

If it's Cameroon or France or Argentina or Brasilia

or wherever it is you have to support it.

That is the team. That is your team.

I'm Japanese.

# Well come on, Japan Come on Japan, Japan! #

Listen, can we please talk about something else?

What's your favourite year?

My favourite year?

Yeah, your favourite year from the 1960s.

I don't really do favourite years.

Your favourite year from the late 1960s,

not including '65, '67, '68 or '69.

Well, it's NOT 1966.

-That was a great year though, weren't it?

-No, it wasn't.

-A great year.

Shall I tell you why?

No, no, please don't tell me. I don't want to know.

I have no interest in this. None.

Nil, if you understand that.

Nil, nil.

Nil, nil, nil, nil.

I am still a man.

I have a wife. I pee standing up. I drink beer.

I grow hair under my chin.

I am a man,

a man who does not care about

foooot baaaall.

Still that Rooney's a bit of class, isn't he?

Aaargh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Eeugh!

Do you know what?

I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bought you that endoscope.

Eugh, eugh!

NO SOUND

NO SOUND

BLEEP

'Place item in bagging area.'

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

'Place item in bagging area.'

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

'Place item in bagging area.'

IMPATIENT TONE: 'Place the item in the bagging area.'

LAUGHTER

'Place the item in the bagging area!'

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

ALARM WAILS

'Place the bagging area back in the bagging area.

'Place the bagging area back in the bagging area.'

'Unexpected bagging area in bagging area.

'Unexpected bagging area in bagging area.'

'Extremely unexpected item in bagging area.'

'Do not touch me again!

'Stand and wait for assistance.'

ALARM BLARES

'Security please, gormless imbecile in bagging area.'

LAUGHTER

Mr Blue, you're going to get the money in the bags.

Mr Red, you're going to be covering the front entrance

while we slip out the side door.

Mr Black, you're going to have the car ready to go and we're away.

So, thank you very much, gents. Let's go.

Excuse me, excuse me.

So what is it now, Mr Green?

That's right, Mr Green.

As the environmental officer of this job there are a few concerns

I'd like to flag up.

-Look, we've got to catch them between shifts, all right, we've got to go.

-Just a minute,

I think we agreed that we will be a carbon neutral

bank robbing firm by 2015, didn't we?

Well, it was more of an aim.

-It was a promise.

-No, no, it was never a definite.

-You signed a pledge!

-All right, that's enough, that's enough.

First up, this getaway vehicle, what is that we're going to get?

-I stole a Jaguar and changed the plates.

-We should have gone for an electric vehicle.

They're easy to nick. You just have to unplug them.

Mr Blue. What have you got in the way of weaponry there?

Ah, that's good, that's wood, isn't it? Cos that is green.

But have you got a certificate showing it was sourced

from a sustainable forest?

No.

Well, we are not taking this seriously, are we, gentlemen?

We'll get green tomorrow. Right now we're running out of time.

I'll tell you another thing that's running out of time.

This planet of ours.

If we don't do something about it,

there won't be a world for our kids to rob and thieve in.

There won't be any witnesses for you to intimidate.

There won't be any of Mother Nature's bounty to turn

into narcotics to sell in that fish and chip shop of yours in Romford.

Is that what you want?!

No.

You're right. We can make a difference.

Come on, boys, we can be mean and green.

Yeah. Let's go for it.

After we've had a health and safety presentation from Mr Orange.

ALARM RINGS

I'm on, I'm on, I'm on.

OK, all right.

Look out for the traffic!

Hello. My name's Dan.

I'm really humbled to be able to talk to you all today.

I suppose my problems began when I started getting

a huge adrenaline rush out of multi-partner situations.

I found I wanted more and more partners and more and more sex,

usually online,

and I was getting a high out of the number of lovers I had

and also found I needed more out of every encounter,

more extreme,

which culminated in that sorry business on the ferry.

Yeah, but that was the old me.

You haven't come here to listen to me ramble on.

Congratulations, Mum and Dad, 50 years.

To John and Barbara.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

over the last three weeks you've been presented,

not to say bombarded, with a lot of superficially

convincing circumstantial evidence against my client.

And you must give it due consideration, but having done so,

you may well think that the prosecution hasn't proved a thing.

Looking at my client, you may well think...

..he seems such a nice lad, doesn't he?

Doesn't look a wrong 'un, does he?

You may well think you've always had a sense about people

and your instinct tells you he didn't do it.

You may well think, you can't trust the pigs anyway, can you, man?

They probably fitted him up. And you may well think that even if they didn't, if he goes into jail,

he comes out, he's probably worse than when he went in.

You may well think, you hope everyone else knows what they reckon

because you were, like, totally not listening to any of that.

And you may think it is probably quicker to let him go

and besides, he looks well fit.

You may well think,

he's probably guilty as hell

but there's no way you're saying that.

What if he goes to jail, serves his sentence, comes out and hunts you

down like in that film you saw?

You may think the law be no friend of the brave buccaneer, arrr.

Ha-har!

And you may think these foolish mortals play at justice

but you are the great god Pan and laugh at their contrivance.

You shall declare this guilty human innocent

and then we shall see sport. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And you may think...

DRONES

CLICKS

You may all think, Arsenal, Arsenal, Arsenal,

we're never going to send a Gooner down.

I rest my case.

I can't believe it, I mean, it's amazing, isn't it?

Fancy bumping into you after all this time,

in exactly the same place.

LAUGHTER

16 years. 16 years, I can't believe it.

Sorry, do I know you?

Guck!

Go on, yeah, you still got the same sense of humour,

you still got the same twinkle.

You got... You still got the same early on-set dementia.

Mmm.

Come on, then. What you been up to?

Oh me, oh, over the last 16 years? Where...

Where would I begin? Cor dear, dear. Well, I mended that shower.

And what about you? Did you, did you open that Spanish tapas bar?

-Oh, the tapas bar.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely.

-Oh yeah, found a lovely spot on the beach.

-Yeah.

And all the tables out the front there.

You know, local waitresses, and parasols and pedalos

and oh, oh it was the works. Yeah.

Great. That was in Marbella, was it?

It was in the Falklands.

A bit of a disaster, actually.

-Right.

-Still anyway. How are the kids?

-The kids?

-Yeah.

-Oh well, it's nice of you to ask.

Chantelle, you know, she just turned 30.

-No!

-Yeah.

Your little Chantelle has just turned 30?

-Yeah, yeah. She's a grandmother now.

-Yeah.

No. You see, I can't do this.

-What do you mean?

-I can't, I can't do...

-What are you talking about?

All this small talk.

There's an elephant in the room.

A great big elephant in this room.

What are you going on about?

16 years and we haven't talked to each other.

Do you think we can just forget it just like that?!

16 years since you, you, walked out, disappeared.

And the last thing you said,

as you turned in the door was, "He's paying."

Why, why do you want to drag this up now? Why now?

I have to.

I went to the doctor.

He told me, he told me I'm going to, I'm going to die.

Oh my God.

How long have you got?

25 years.

Maybe 30, you know, so we've got to try and sort this out, you know.

Cos we were like... We was like best mates, we was. Weren't we?

We did everything together. We drunk together, we worked together.

-Smashed up the Blue Peter garden together.

-That's right, we did.

And when you disappeared, people used to say to me, "Where's the other one."

-That's what they say?

-Mm?

-They did.

-Mm?

Yeah. They said, there's supposed to be two of you, you know.

"How are you going to move this bloody piano on your own?"

All right. OK. You want the truth, right.

Well, it was something you said.

-Something I said?

-Something you said on my special day.

Mine and Patricia's special day.

Oh not... You, what,

I can't, what, you mean... all of this cos

I said something cynical about your wedding.

Something cynical?

You almost managed to ruin my ninth marriage.

No, it was something else you said anyway.

At the urinal, right?

You remember it?

-I think so.

-Yeah.

It was a white porcelain one with one of them

glass screens, weren't it?

-Do you remember what you said?

-No.

No, cos the words you used that day,

-that put me into a tailspin, mate.

-I don't remember what it was.

I ended up lying in bed all day with the curtains closed.

Well, at least you didn't change your routine.

I was, I was diagnosed...

..tripolar.

Tripolar?

I was up, I was down, I was sideways.

Yeah, I went to that, erm, telephone box

in Peckham High Street, you know,

-and, erm, yeah, to ring the Samaritans, yes.

-Yes.

And then instead of calling them, I had an epiphany.

Yeah, I think I've seen her card in that phone box.

I said to myself,

why let some jumped-up scrawny little git spoil your life?

Oh yeah, well good for you. Who was that?

-You!

-Me! Oh me!

Well, was it... was it all something I said 16 years ago?

What? What?

You... You can't remember?

-No.

-You really cannot remember what you said that made me

stop talking to you for 16 years?

No, no, I can't.

Neither can I.

It's stupid. This is stupid, innit?

All the bitterness, all the hurt, you know, I mean,

and yet look, look at us, sitting here,

talking like two rational intelligent human beings.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, no.

If it's taught me anything, mate, this,

it is the value of camaraderie.

It's a lovely cheese.

I'm talking...

-I'm talking about...

-Yes.

-..Friendship.

-Yes.

-Companionship.

-Yes.

You know, the strong bond between two loving men.

I know, yes.

You did tend to drink quite a lot on those occasions didn't you, yeah?

I think, because let's face it, mate,

let's face it, if you haven't got a best friend, then what have you got?

Well, you've got a lot more money.

You've got a car that's not a write-off

and a girlfriend without a social disease.

-Yeah. You make me laugh, don't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Ah, we've got a lot of catching up to do, my friend.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, getting together tomorrow?

Ah well, I can't do tomorrow, cos I got to go round, cos my lad,

he's having a bit of trouble at work.

Oh. Is he still at Kwikfit?

-No, he's head of the European Central Bank.

-Oh right.

Well, I tell you, I'm free at the weekend if you want a pint?

Oh, well, I don't drink anymore but you could come round.

I've joined this church and you could help me distribute some pamphlets.

Oh, we never did have anything in common really, did we?

No, not really, no.

-See you in 16 years, then?

-Oh, all right.

-Ta-ta.

Squire Bandiman of Bandiman's Mill?

Oh, Mrs Keppelwick, I've come straight from mill.

Oh, Mrs Keppelwick, it's your husband, Mrs Keppelwick.

Mr Keppelwick?

That's him.

Oh, Oh no, what happened?

He fell into the galloping Betsy.

Oh no...

Oh... well, hang on a minute. You've lost me now.

-Your husband, he's had a terrible accident.

-I got that bit.

-Obviously, but what's the galloping Betsy?

-The galloping Betsy,

Mrs Keppelwick, the galloping Betsy.

Invented in 1754 by Josiah Smallwood.

A master weft curler from Bradford as a means of throbbing floss

on an open frame of thrashing bobbins.

Oh, my poor dear husband.

He fell into the galloping Betsy and he died.

No, no, Mrs Keppelwick, I didn't say that now, did I?

No, no, he didn't fall in the Betsy and die.

A galloping Betsy wouldn't kill you however long you lay in it.

That was Smallwood's genius.

Which pushed my heart... He lives, my beloved lives!

No, Mrs Keppelwick, he IS dead.

Oh, right, not from falling in the Betsy?

No, he reached out to avoid falling in the Betsy

and he grabbed onto the juggling Nancy.

A treadle loom invented in 1761

by Abraham Codswaller of Mansfield.

Powered by the buttocks and used in conjunction with

the galloping Betsy to thrash the twine into spumes,

which would have been fine

if it hadn't been for the frolicking Benjamin.

Invented by?

He's the tea boy, Mrs Keppelwick.

He knocked what was left of your husband into the trembling Brenda.

He then got his leg caught in the wobbling Susan

causing him to be gathered, tufted and fringed

on the crashing spindles of the rippling Wendy,

the palpitating Barbara and the shaking Stevens.

So he's dead.

Oh, my poor dead husband. He's dead. What has become of him?

Well, you see this cardigan I'm wearing?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]