Episode 1 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise


Episode 1

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

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And welcome to the first of our new series.

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I must say how happy we are to be appearing once again on television.

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-What are you doing?

-Saying "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

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-"welcome to the new series."

-Oh?

-How happy we are to be appearing once again on television.

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Oh, yes, yes, lovely.

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Why don't you come on at the same time as me

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-and then you'll hear what I have to say.

-How do you mean?

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-Well, I won't have to keep repeating it then.

-Oh! That's a good idea.

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-Of course.

-The rest has done you good. Hasn't it?

-It has, yeah.

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-We'll try it.

-Try it again.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our new series.

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-I must say how happy we are...

-What are you doing?

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I'm saying, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...our new series..."

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-You see, you're doing it again.

-How happy we are to be here?

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-Yeah, but I keep having to repeat it. Why don't you come on and be here with me?

-Ah, well, Ern...

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-There is a reason.

-What's that?

-Well, you see...

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-Excuse me.

-What?

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LAUGHTER

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What's happening is that you're getting there before I am.

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LAUGHTER Well, yeah. Well, I walk faster than you, don't I?

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Ah, that is it, exactly because you've got those short, fat,

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-little hairy legs that go...

-LAUGHTER

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-You've got short, fat, hairy legs.

-Yes, all right.

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-All the ginger fluff on them, I've seen it.

-Well, don't get personal about it.

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And I've got those long, slender, gazelle-type legs.

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-I walk like that, you see.

-That's right.

-More majestic.

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-With the knobbly knees.

-No, I haven't got knobbly knees.

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-Yes, I've seen you've got knobbly knees.

-No, I haven't.

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You've got those short, fat legs that go like that.

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-I need a start, that's what I need.

-All right, then.

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-You have a start.

-You go back there. And I'll stand here.

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And then when you say go, I'll go and then we'll meet.

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That's your short, fat, hairy legs going like that.

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-You've got knobbly knees. Right. Go.

-Right.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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Welcome to the first of our new series.

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-I must say how happy we are... You see?

-I'm sorry about that.

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-I went a bit too far. Once they're going they never stop.

-Yes, I know.

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Well, now that we're here, what are we going to do?

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-I've just done it, look.

-No. I mean...

-That's all I can do now.

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I had a good idea.

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I thought if we did all the best out of all the other shows that

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-we've done on television.

-Oh?

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You know like that long player, The Best Of Peter Sellers?

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Ah, now that is brilliant. That's what we'll do.

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Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present to you tonight The Best Of Peter Sellers.

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No. No.

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APPLAUSE

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-Good morning, sir.

-Good morning.

-Can I help you?

-Yes, please, yes.

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-I'd like to buy a pair of binoculars.

-Yes.

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I'd like the most powerful pair that you have

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because I'm doing a bit of bird watching and she's only small.

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LAUGHTER

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ERIC LAUGHS

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Ah. What a pedestrian joke.

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Well, sir, these are the most powerful binoculars we have in the shop.

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Oh, they're big, aren't they? How wonderful, yes.

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-Very powerful.

-Could I try them? I don't want to go outside.

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-No, that's all right, if you just go over to the other side of the shop there.

-Yes.

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-Look through those binoculars at this pin.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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-That pin?

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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I can't, I can't see a pin.

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No, that's, that's what I'm trying to tell you, sir.

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If you got to the other side of the shop, look through the binoculars, you'll see it quite clearly.

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Oh.

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LAUGHTER

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-That was fantastic. That was marvellous.

-Yes?

-I saw it.

-Yes.

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Very good.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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-They are powerful.

-Good.

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-I saw a pin, it was that big.

-Yes.

-With a small hand.

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-I saw it.

-Yes.

-Fantastic, that.

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-That big. A little hand.

-Yes, that's true.

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-I'll buy those, I'll have those.

-Do you like them?

-Yes.

-Jolly good, sir.

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They're the most powerful I've ever seen.

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-What's the matter?

-I stuck it in my thumb.

-Eh?

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-I stuck it in my thumb, the pin.

-Oh.

-Yes.

-Yes.

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-So you'd like these glasses, would you, sir?

-Yes, are they expensive?

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-Oh, no, they're quite reasonable.

-Oh.

-A small deposit will secure.

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-10 shillings?

-10 shillings?

-Or 50p? ..As the saying goes.

-All right.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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# I... #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SINGING

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# ...come hear the music play

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# Life is a cabaret, old chum

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# Come to the cabaret. #

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LAUGHTER

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TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SONG

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# Life is a cabaret, old chum

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# Come to the cabaret.

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING

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# ..took my very smile away

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# Life is a cabaret, old chum

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# Come to the cabaret... #

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING

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# ..to wipe every smile away

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# Life is a cabaret, old chum

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# Come to the cabaret. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC STUTTERS ON

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Who's upset Frankie?

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LAUGHTER

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Come here. I know you, I know you and your new ideas.

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-No, this is sensational.

-It won't be any good.

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How can you say that? You haven't even seen it yet.

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-Look, I'll tell you about it. I got this idea when I was in bed.

-Yes?

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-And I don't often get them nowadays.

-No.

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It suddenly came to me, so I played safe and I thought about it.

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-Yes, this is a good idea, is it?

-Yes.

-It's new?

-Never been done.

-Different?

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Ventriloquilism.

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-You're going to be a ventriloquist?

-If you want.

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Ah, now look, we've seen all that before. There's nothing new.

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How can you say that? How can you say that in two suits?

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-How can you say that?

-There's nothing new in that.

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-It's not original.

-You've never seen the dummy yet.

-You've got a dummy?

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I'll go and get it for you. I'll be two seconds.

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-Right, one, two, where were you?

-Oh, shut up!

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Oh, no, this is ridiculous. We've seen ventriloquists before.

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You're wasting your time unless there's something different.

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What do you think?

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I think you've got something there.

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-It's different?

-Yes, it's different, I must say.

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It's original. Yes.

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I thought what I might do...

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-I'll tell you something.

-What?

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-He'll be a big lad when he grows up.

-Can you get him up?

-Eh?

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-Can you get him up?

-Nothing to do with you.

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LAUGHTER

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-You're going to have to tour two men in this act.

-What, men in this?

-Yeah.

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-What do you think? What do you think of that?

-Well, it's all right.

-Eh?

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Murder on the bus I had with him.

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Trouble on the bus?

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He sat upstairs, stood downstairs.

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-What do you call him?

-Be careful with his leg, it's sensitive.

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-I notice... What do you call him?

-That's few and far between.

-Yes.

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-What do you call him?

-Pardon?

-What do you call him?

-Oggy.

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-And he's solid oak.

-Solid oak?

-Yeah. I made him myself.

-Did you?

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-You know that big clearing in Epping Forest?

-Hmmm.

-It's him.

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-No!

-It's true, that.

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600 squirrels without homes now.

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-And his pockets are full of nuts.

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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Can you work it?

0:10:150:10:17

-Pardon?

-I said, can you work it?

-How do you mean? How do you mean?

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-Make it talk.

-Hah, well, I don't know, I've never tried

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-because when he's up straight, you see...

-Yeah.

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When he's up straight, I can't get my hand on his thing.

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The thing that you've got to pull to make his mouth work.

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-The string's at the back.

-That's a bit of a strain for me, you see.

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-Well, you'll have to do something about it, won't you?

-What can I do?

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-I'll get some steps.

-Pardon?

-I'll get some steps. Hold on.

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Yes, I will. Solid oak he is.

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-I made him myself.

-Stand on these steps.

-That's a good idea.

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Wait a minute, I'll get on this side.

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-Let's be honest, it's different, isn't it?

-Oh, it is!

0:10:480:10:51

-I'm very impressed.

-Eh?

-I'm very impressed.

-Yes?

-Right.

-OK.

0:10:520:10:56

Hello, Oggy, how was school today?

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MUMBLES THROUGH CLOSED LIPS

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-Really?

-What did he say?

-Pardon?

-What did he say?

-Where are you?

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I'm here. LAUGHTER

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-I can't hear what he says because I'm down here, you see.

-I'm sorry.

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I can't hear what you're saying because I'm up here.

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-Come down and tell me what you're saying.

-I'll come down.

-Right.

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-Hold on to him.

-Yes, I'm holding him.

-I was getting a nosebleed there.

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-What did he say?

-Eh? Who?

0:11:170:11:19

-Oggy.

-Oh, oh him?

0:11:190:11:20

-I said to him, "How was school today?" And he said...

-HE MUMBLES

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LAUGHTER

0:11:230:11:24

-What was that?

-Roughly translated means he ate the teacher.

0:11:240:11:27

-Oh, did he?

-Because he's a big lad.

-Oh, I see.

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Well, look, I don't think this is going to work like this.

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-Don't you think so?

-Up top of the steps is ridiculous, isn't it?

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-What other way is there?

-Well, do it like the normal ventriloquists do it.

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-You know, on a chair.

-You think?

-Of course.

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-Can you hold him while I go and get...

-I don't see why not.

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-Solid oak he is.

-Yes, I know.

0:11:430:11:46

OK. Here you are. Sit on that chair.

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-Lovely.

-And let him lean on you. That's it, that's fine.

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LAUGHTER

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-He's getting a bit heavy for me.

-He is heavy. Isn't he?

-I'm only...

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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He's lost his bottom jaw!

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-Listen! Listen!

-What?

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-Get him to announce the next act.

-Who is it?

0:12:190:12:21

THEY WHISPER

0:12:210:12:23

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's...

-MUMBLES

0:12:230:12:25

What was that? Who was that?

0:12:250:12:27

-Does it really matter? Who can follow that anyway?

-That's true!

0:12:270:12:30

APPLAUSE

0:12:300:12:36

Stay. Stay where you are. Good boy.

0:12:400:12:43

There's a good lad. Eh?

0:12:430:12:47

Go on, turn over, I'll rub your tummy. That's it.

0:12:470:12:50

Good boy. Come on, up, up.

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APPLAUSE

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Two, three, four.

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THEY TAP DANCE

0:13:000:13:02

'Scuse me, fellas, I'm sorry, that's very, very pretty,

0:13:020:13:06

but when do I get to sing my song?

0:13:060:13:08

-Ah...

-Yes. Now.

-Now?

-Now? Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-All right, then.

0:13:110:13:15

-Yes, yes.

-Keep going, you fool.

0:13:150:13:17

We've built the most magnificent set for you. Just for you.

0:13:170:13:20

There's steps. There's thousands of steps and they all go down like that.

0:13:200:13:24

Not like that. Like that.

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And the three of us at the top of the steps, we go, "La-la,"

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-and we walk down and you sing your song.

-My steps?

-Your steps.

0:13:290:13:32

-Your steps. Not for me, for you.

-Let's do it, come on.

-Good idea.

0:13:320:13:36

-Eric?

-Yes?

-My steps.

-Sorry.

0:13:360:13:37

BIG BAND MUSIC

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:13:500:13:58

APPLAUSE

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KNOCK AT DOOR

0:14:240:14:26

Who is it?

0:14:260:14:29

It's me, Guv'nor.

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APPLAUSE

0:14:310:14:33

-Having breakfast?

-No. I'm not having my breakfast, Sergeant.

0:14:380:14:41

I'm having my lunch. That was my breakfast.

0:14:410:14:44

LAUGHTER

0:14:440:14:45

-You fancy a bite to eat?

-Yeah.

0:14:450:14:47

Thank you very much, I thought you'd never ask.

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LAUGHTER

0:14:500:14:52

-I'd like to tell you I've got those two volunteers outside.

-Good.

0:14:520:14:56

The success of the whole war depends on this false information

0:14:560:14:59

getting into enemy hands. Do they fit the bill?

0:14:590:15:02

They're expendable, if that's what you mean.

0:15:020:15:04

-That's exactly what I mean, Sergeant.

-LAUGHTER

0:15:040:15:06

Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?

0:15:060:15:08

-Well, I haven't actually...

-Do they know they won't come back alive?

0:15:080:15:11

Look, Guv'nor, I've got you two volunteers, haven't I?

0:15:110:15:14

Oh, well, they say there's one in every regiment.

0:15:140:15:16

There's two in ours.

0:15:160:15:18

-Let's have them in.

-All right, you two, at the double!

0:15:180:15:21

Come on, left right, left right, left right, left right, left right!

0:15:210:15:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Sir.

-Yes... Well...

0:15:360:15:39

-You both know why you're here.

-Oh, yes.

0:15:410:15:44

There's a job to be done and it isn't much fun.

0:15:440:15:46

..as Lord Kitchener said to the sentry, for tattooed on his chest

0:15:460:15:49

through a hole in his vest was a sign saying, "Caution, no entry".

0:15:490:15:52

LAUGHTER

0:15:520:15:54

I must apologise, sir, we took the king's shilling

0:15:540:15:56

-and we're ready and willing.

-As Jericho said to the Kaiser...

0:15:560:15:58

-It's a dangerous job.

-You'll be paid 30 bob.

0:15:580:16:00

Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.

0:16:000:16:02

LAUGHTER

0:16:020:16:04

Sir, I must say, it's a big pleasure to be serving under an officer

0:16:040:16:07

who is as brave as what you are, sir.

0:16:070:16:09

And I like you best in the Sweeney as well.

0:16:090:16:11

-All right.

-You're OK with me, chum.

-All right.

-Eh?

0:16:110:16:14

Now, you know what you've got to do.

0:16:140:16:16

Oh, yes, now, if you tell us where the piano is, we'll move it.

0:16:160:16:19

LAUGHTER

0:16:190:16:21

-Piano?

-Piano, sir.

-Sir!

-We volunteered to move the piano.

0:16:210:16:23

-What's all this about a piano?

-We volunteered to move the piano.

0:16:230:16:26

The piano that these gentlemen have kindly volunteered to move.

0:16:260:16:29

-Oh, yeah, not the real thing. The piano, yes.

-The piano.

0:16:290:16:32

The piano, yeah.

0:16:320:16:33

And what else as well?

0:16:330:16:35

Well, first they've got to take the communique, haven't they?

0:16:350:16:37

First, you've got to take the communique in order to get

0:16:370:16:40

-permission to move the piano.

-Ah!

-We've got to take the communique.

0:16:400:16:43

-This is a map.

-Are you sure?

0:16:430:16:46

Now, you'll make your way along here.

0:16:480:16:50

-Doing an act on your own?

-Yeah!

-Now listen.

-I am.

-To this hill here.

0:16:500:16:55

-Oh, yes.

-Circumnavigating it as the enemy have occupied the summit.

0:16:550:16:58

Then you'll go down, through this gully,

0:16:580:17:01

up here, over the small knoll, and your destination is

0:17:010:17:04

-this hillock here.

-Hah!

0:17:040:17:07

I'm sure, sir, there must be another way of looking at this.

0:17:070:17:10

I mean, let's face it.

0:17:100:17:11

I mean, what do you think?

0:17:110:17:14

APPLAUSE

0:17:140:17:18

Is it, is it possible to volunteer for something

0:17:180:17:21

dangerous around Arras?

0:17:210:17:23

LAUGHTER

0:17:230:17:27

BOTH: Mother!

0:17:270:17:30

I can't believe it. May I say, sir...

0:17:300:17:34

Big Bertha.

0:17:350:17:37

Have I seen you in the back of a car?

0:17:370:17:39

LAUGHTER

0:17:390:17:41

Inside this envelope...

0:17:410:17:42

..is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year

0:17:420:17:47

which I'll read out in reverse order.

0:17:470:17:49

Porter, Dawn, Nyree.

0:17:490:17:51

-Synchronise your watches.

-Right.

0:17:530:17:55

-5:45.

-5:45.

-5:45.

0:17:550:17:57

11:10.

0:17:570:17:58

LAUGHTER

0:17:580:17:59

-11:10.

-11:10.

-11:10.

0:17:590:18:02

5:45.

0:18:020:18:03

LAUGHTER

0:18:030:18:05

-On your bike!

-Sorry, sir.

-Right, left, right, left, right, left...

0:18:050:18:09

-Hold up. Hold up.

-What?

-What?

0:18:090:18:10

Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.

0:18:100:18:13

-I like him the best in the Sweeney.

-Are you still there? I'm away then.

0:18:130:18:18

It's been a great pleasure working with you,

0:18:180:18:20

-I don't care what the others say.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:22

I've always had my eye on you, you're a nice fellow.

0:18:220:18:24

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

0:18:280:18:30

LAUGHTER

0:18:300:18:32

I've got a great gag for you later on. "Look at this".

0:18:330:18:35

LAUGHTER

0:18:350:18:38

We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis.

0:18:390:18:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:430:18:46

-Oof.

-Hey.

0:18:520:18:54

CHA-CHA MUSIC

0:18:560:18:58

TUBA HONKS

0:19:040:19:07

TUBA HONKS

0:19:220:19:25

TUBA HONKS

0:19:400:19:42

# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #

0:19:530:19:55

Hey!

0:19:570:19:58

# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #

0:20:090:20:11

TRUMPET PLAYS

0:20:180:20:22

-# Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #

-Oh!

0:21:070:21:10

HE YELLS

0:21:240:21:26

-# Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #

-Oh!

0:21:370:21:40

MUSIC STOPS

0:21:400:21:42

BOTH: Oh!

0:21:450:21:47

-What's the time?

-Eh?

0:21:490:21:52

They said they would.

0:21:520:21:53

Coffee break now for the band, you see.

0:21:530:21:57

-We've stopped?

-Yes.

0:21:570:22:00

-Sidle off. Dignity at all times.

-Yes.

0:22:000:22:03

APPLAUSE

0:22:100:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:270:22:29

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:57

Send zem in.

0:23:050:23:06

HE SHOUTS IN GERMAN

0:23:060:23:08

APPLAUSE

0:23:170:23:22

-Achtung!

-Volkswagen!

0:23:220:23:24

LAUGHTER

0:23:240:23:26

Sorry about your arm.

0:23:260:23:27

LAUGHTER

0:23:270:23:29

Zo...

0:23:290:23:30

Oh!

0:23:300:23:32

Zo...

0:23:340:23:35

-Ze British pigs.

-That's not nice.

-Quiet!

-That's better.

0:23:370:23:42

Have you got a brother on our side?

0:23:440:23:47

-Oh, I tell you what, Ern.

-What?

0:23:480:23:50

You'll enjoy this.

0:23:500:23:52

He is known as Hans Everywhere.

0:23:540:23:56

-Now, my little Englander.

-Mein Herr.

-It's not slipped again, has it?

0:23:580:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

-TOGETHER:

-Quiet!

-Quiet!

0:24:050:24:07

-We have some plans for you, gentlemen.

-Oh? Lovely.

0:24:070:24:10

We have two methods of extracting information,

0:24:100:24:14

which I shall call one und two.

0:24:140:24:17

Very good, Sir.

0:24:170:24:19

-Von and two, I'll try and remember that.

-Have either of you got a coin?

0:24:190:24:23

-Coin?

-You got a coin?

-I'll have a look.

0:24:230:24:25

-I'll have a look in my wallet, sir.

-You're very privileged to see this.

0:24:250:24:28

-Jawohl?

-It's usually kept in your vault, yes.

0:24:280:24:30

MECHANISM CLICKS

0:24:330:24:37

By the time he gets in, you know, the pound's gone down again.

0:24:370:24:40

LAUGHTER

0:24:400:24:41

CREAKS OPEN

0:24:410:24:43

That was just his thumb... Just!

0:24:430:24:46

HE LAUGHS

0:24:460:24:47

No, no coin, sir. No coins.

0:24:500:24:52

-Zo!

-Zo? It's the zo-show.

0:24:550:24:59

-Hah, hah, I've got one too.

-You will be taken from here.

-Taken from here?

0:25:010:25:06

And haff your pound notes pulled out one by one.

0:25:060:25:11

-That'll be fun!

-Oh.

0:25:110:25:14

Oh, please, not that, please, Mr German. Have mercy on me.

0:25:140:25:19

I'm only little. I was always good to my mother. I never went home.

0:25:190:25:24

They were cruel to me at school. That beefy Miller.

0:25:250:25:28

She was vicious with me.

0:25:280:25:30

I'm only little and I want me mam.

0:25:300:25:33

Hey, you're right, it's good. I'm enjoying this! Oh, boy!

0:25:380:25:41

Didn't half help your loose change!

0:25:410:25:45

Well...

0:25:450:25:47

-VOICE OF BENNY FROM TOP CAT:

-What you going to do now, TC?

0:25:470:25:50

LAUGHTER

0:25:500:25:52

-And now it's for you.

-For me?

0:25:520:25:56

-With you, we shall try method number two.

-Oh.

0:25:560:25:59

You are going to experience the beautiful Mata Hari.

0:25:590:26:03

-Any of this business?

-No!

-Just for laughs?

0:26:030:26:06

-Don't go there.

-No, I won't.

0:26:060:26:09

I like you best in the "Sveeney".

0:26:100:26:11

The Sveeney?!

0:26:130:26:15

BAG SNAPS

0:26:200:26:22

APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:27

A great sense of humour, that's all he lacks.

0:26:300:26:33

LAUGHTER

0:26:330:26:37

DRUM ROLL

0:26:470:26:50

BANG!

0:27:020:27:05

HE LAUGHS

0:27:050:27:09

# Bring me sunshine in your smile

0:27:190:27:23

# Bring me laughter all the while

0:27:230:27:28

# In this world where we live there should be more happiness

0:27:280:27:33

# So much joy you can give to each brand-new bright tomorrow

0:27:330:27:38

# Make me happy through the years

0:27:380:27:44

# Never bring me any tears

0:27:440:27:49

# Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above

0:27:490:27:54

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. #

0:27:540:28:00

APPLAUSE

0:28:000:28:05

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:050:28:11

Thank you, thank you, everybody, thank you.

0:28:190:28:22

I'd like to thank all of you for watching me

0:28:220:28:26

and my little show here tonight.

0:28:260:28:29

If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.

0:28:290:28:32

So, until we meet again,

0:28:320:28:34

goodnight, and I love you all.

0:28:340:28:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:370:28:43

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