Episode 1 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to the first of our new series.

I must say how happy we are to be appearing once again on television.

-What are you doing?

-Saying "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

-"welcome to the new series."

-Oh?

-How happy we are to be appearing once again on television.

Oh, yes, yes, lovely.

Why don't you come on at the same time as me

-and then you'll hear what I have to say.

-How do you mean?

-Well, I won't have to keep repeating it then.

-Oh! That's a good idea.

-Of course.

-The rest has done you good. Hasn't it?

-It has, yeah.

-We'll try it.

-Try it again.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our new series.

-I must say how happy we are...

-What are you doing?

I'm saying, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...our new series..."

-You see, you're doing it again.

-How happy we are to be here?

-Yeah, but I keep having to repeat it. Why don't you come on and be here with me?

-Ah, well, Ern...

-There is a reason.

-What's that?

-Well, you see...

-Excuse me.

-What?

LAUGHTER

What's happening is that you're getting there before I am.

LAUGHTER Well, yeah. Well, I walk faster than you, don't I?

Ah, that is it, exactly because you've got those short, fat,

-little hairy legs that go...

-LAUGHTER

-You've got short, fat, hairy legs.

-Yes, all right.

-All the ginger fluff on them, I've seen it.

-Well, don't get personal about it.

And I've got those long, slender, gazelle-type legs.

-I walk like that, you see.

-That's right.

-More majestic.

-With the knobbly knees.

-No, I haven't got knobbly knees.

-Yes, I've seen you've got knobbly knees.

-No, I haven't.

You've got those short, fat legs that go like that.

-I need a start, that's what I need.

-All right, then.

-You have a start.

-You go back there. And I'll stand here.

And then when you say go, I'll go and then we'll meet.

That's your short, fat, hairy legs going like that.

-You've got knobbly knees. Right. Go.

-Right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the first of our new series.

-I must say how happy we are... You see?

-I'm sorry about that.

-I went a bit too far. Once they're going they never stop.

-Yes, I know.

Well, now that we're here, what are we going to do?

-I've just done it, look.

-No. I mean...

-That's all I can do now.

I had a good idea.

I thought if we did all the best out of all the other shows that

-we've done on television.

-Oh?

You know like that long player, The Best Of Peter Sellers?

Ah, now that is brilliant. That's what we'll do.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present to you tonight The Best Of Peter Sellers.

No. No.

APPLAUSE

-Good morning, sir.

-Good morning.

-Can I help you?

-Yes, please, yes.

-I'd like to buy a pair of binoculars.

-Yes.

I'd like the most powerful pair that you have

because I'm doing a bit of bird watching and she's only small.

LAUGHTER

ERIC LAUGHS

Ah. What a pedestrian joke.

Well, sir, these are the most powerful binoculars we have in the shop.

Oh, they're big, aren't they? How wonderful, yes.

-Very powerful.

-Could I try them? I don't want to go outside.

-No, that's all right, if you just go over to the other side of the shop there.

-Yes.

-Look through those binoculars at this pin.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-That pin?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

I can't, I can't see a pin.

No, that's, that's what I'm trying to tell you, sir.

If you got to the other side of the shop, look through the binoculars, you'll see it quite clearly.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

-That was fantastic. That was marvellous.

-Yes?

-I saw it.

-Yes.

Very good.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-They are powerful.

-Good.

-I saw a pin, it was that big.

-Yes.

-With a small hand.

-I saw it.

-Yes.

-Fantastic, that.

-That big. A little hand.

-Yes, that's true.

-I'll buy those, I'll have those.

-Do you like them?

-Yes.

-Jolly good, sir.

They're the most powerful I've ever seen.

-What's the matter?

-I stuck it in my thumb.

-Eh?

-I stuck it in my thumb, the pin.

-Oh.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-So you'd like these glasses, would you, sir?

-Yes, are they expensive?

-Oh, no, they're quite reasonable.

-Oh.

-A small deposit will secure.

-10 shillings?

-10 shillings?

-Or 50p? ..As the saying goes.

-All right.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# I... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SINGING

# ...come hear the music play

# Life is a cabaret, old chum

# Come to the cabaret. #

LAUGHTER

TROMBONE DROWNS OUT SONG

# Life is a cabaret, old chum

# Come to the cabaret.

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING

# ..took my very smile away

# Life is a cabaret, old chum

# Come to the cabaret... #

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING

# ..to wipe every smile away

# Life is a cabaret, old chum

# Come to the cabaret. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC STUTTERS ON

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who's upset Frankie?

LAUGHTER

Come here. I know you, I know you and your new ideas.

-No, this is sensational.

-It won't be any good.

How can you say that? You haven't even seen it yet.

-Look, I'll tell you about it. I got this idea when I was in bed.

-Yes?

-And I don't often get them nowadays.

-No.

It suddenly came to me, so I played safe and I thought about it.

-Yes, this is a good idea, is it?

-Yes.

-It's new?

-Never been done.

-Different?

Ventriloquilism.

-You're going to be a ventriloquist?

-If you want.

Ah, now look, we've seen all that before. There's nothing new.

How can you say that? How can you say that in two suits?

-How can you say that?

-There's nothing new in that.

-It's not original.

-You've never seen the dummy yet.

-You've got a dummy?

I'll go and get it for you. I'll be two seconds.

-Right, one, two, where were you?

-Oh, shut up!

Oh, no, this is ridiculous. We've seen ventriloquists before.

You're wasting your time unless there's something different.

What do you think?

I think you've got something there.

-It's different?

-Yes, it's different, I must say.

It's original. Yes.

I thought what I might do...

-I'll tell you something.

-What?

-He'll be a big lad when he grows up.

-Can you get him up?

-Eh?

-Can you get him up?

-Nothing to do with you.

LAUGHTER

-You're going to have to tour two men in this act.

-What, men in this?

-Yeah.

-What do you think? What do you think of that?

-Well, it's all right.

-Eh?

Murder on the bus I had with him.

Trouble on the bus?

He sat upstairs, stood downstairs.

-What do you call him?

-Be careful with his leg, it's sensitive.

-I notice... What do you call him?

-That's few and far between.

-Yes.

-What do you call him?

-Pardon?

-What do you call him?

-Oggy.

-And he's solid oak.

-Solid oak?

-Yeah. I made him myself.

-Did you?

-You know that big clearing in Epping Forest?

-Hmmm.

-It's him.

-No!

-It's true, that.

600 squirrels without homes now.

-And his pockets are full of nuts.

-No.

LAUGHTER

Can you work it?

-Pardon?

-I said, can you work it?

-How do you mean? How do you mean?

-Make it talk.

-Hah, well, I don't know, I've never tried

-because when he's up straight, you see...

-Yeah.

When he's up straight, I can't get my hand on his thing.

The thing that you've got to pull to make his mouth work.

-The string's at the back.

-That's a bit of a strain for me, you see.

-Well, you'll have to do something about it, won't you?

-What can I do?

-I'll get some steps.

-Pardon?

-I'll get some steps. Hold on.

Yes, I will. Solid oak he is.

-I made him myself.

-Stand on these steps.

-That's a good idea.

Wait a minute, I'll get on this side.

-Let's be honest, it's different, isn't it?

-Oh, it is!

-I'm very impressed.

-Eh?

-I'm very impressed.

-Yes?

-Right.

-OK.

Hello, Oggy, how was school today?

MUMBLES THROUGH CLOSED LIPS

-Really?

-What did he say?

-Pardon?

-What did he say?

-Where are you?

I'm here. LAUGHTER

-I can't hear what he says because I'm down here, you see.

-I'm sorry.

I can't hear what you're saying because I'm up here.

-Come down and tell me what you're saying.

-I'll come down.

-Right.

-Hold on to him.

-Yes, I'm holding him.

-I was getting a nosebleed there.

-What did he say?

-Eh? Who?

-Oggy.

-Oh, oh him?

-I said to him, "How was school today?" And he said...

-HE MUMBLES

LAUGHTER

-What was that?

-Roughly translated means he ate the teacher.

-Oh, did he?

-Because he's a big lad.

-Oh, I see.

Well, look, I don't think this is going to work like this.

-Don't you think so?

-Up top of the steps is ridiculous, isn't it?

-What other way is there?

-Well, do it like the normal ventriloquists do it.

-You know, on a chair.

-You think?

-Of course.

-Can you hold him while I go and get...

-I don't see why not.

-Solid oak he is.

-Yes, I know.

OK. Here you are. Sit on that chair.

-Lovely.

-And let him lean on you. That's it, that's fine.

LAUGHTER

-He's getting a bit heavy for me.

-He is heavy. Isn't he?

-I'm only...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

He's lost his bottom jaw!

-Listen! Listen!

-What?

-Get him to announce the next act.

-Who is it?

THEY WHISPER

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's...

-MUMBLES

What was that? Who was that?

-Does it really matter? Who can follow that anyway?

-That's true!

APPLAUSE

Stay. Stay where you are. Good boy.

There's a good lad. Eh?

Go on, turn over, I'll rub your tummy. That's it.

Good boy. Come on, up, up.

APPLAUSE

Two, three, four.

THEY TAP DANCE

'Scuse me, fellas, I'm sorry, that's very, very pretty,

but when do I get to sing my song?

-Ah...

-Yes. Now.

-Now?

-Now? Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-All right, then.

-Yes, yes.

-Keep going, you fool.

We've built the most magnificent set for you. Just for you.

There's steps. There's thousands of steps and they all go down like that.

Not like that. Like that.

And the three of us at the top of the steps, we go, "La-la,"

-and we walk down and you sing your song.

-My steps?

-Your steps.

-Your steps. Not for me, for you.

-Let's do it, come on.

-Good idea.

-Eric?

-Yes?

-My steps.

-Sorry.

BIG BAND MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's me, Guv'nor.

APPLAUSE

-Having breakfast?

-No. I'm not having my breakfast, Sergeant.

I'm having my lunch. That was my breakfast.

LAUGHTER

-You fancy a bite to eat?

-Yeah.

Thank you very much, I thought you'd never ask.

LAUGHTER

-I'd like to tell you I've got those two volunteers outside.

-Good.

The success of the whole war depends on this false information

getting into enemy hands. Do they fit the bill?

They're expendable, if that's what you mean.

-That's exactly what I mean, Sergeant.

-LAUGHTER

Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?

-Well, I haven't actually...

-Do they know they won't come back alive?

Look, Guv'nor, I've got you two volunteers, haven't I?

Oh, well, they say there's one in every regiment.

There's two in ours.

-Let's have them in.

-All right, you two, at the double!

Come on, left right, left right, left right, left right, left right!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Sir.

-Yes... Well...

-You both know why you're here.

-Oh, yes.

There's a job to be done and it isn't much fun.

..as Lord Kitchener said to the sentry, for tattooed on his chest

through a hole in his vest was a sign saying, "Caution, no entry".

LAUGHTER

I must apologise, sir, we took the king's shilling

-and we're ready and willing.

-As Jericho said to the Kaiser...

-It's a dangerous job.

-You'll be paid 30 bob.

Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.

LAUGHTER

Sir, I must say, it's a big pleasure to be serving under an officer

who is as brave as what you are, sir.

And I like you best in the Sweeney as well.

-All right.

-You're OK with me, chum.

-All right.

-Eh?

Now, you know what you've got to do.

Oh, yes, now, if you tell us where the piano is, we'll move it.

LAUGHTER

-Piano?

-Piano, sir.

-Sir!

-We volunteered to move the piano.

-What's all this about a piano?

-We volunteered to move the piano.

The piano that these gentlemen have kindly volunteered to move.

-Oh, yeah, not the real thing. The piano, yes.

-The piano.

The piano, yeah.

And what else as well?

Well, first they've got to take the communique, haven't they?

First, you've got to take the communique in order to get

-permission to move the piano.

-Ah!

-We've got to take the communique.

-This is a map.

-Are you sure?

Now, you'll make your way along here.

-Doing an act on your own?

-Yeah!

-Now listen.

-I am.

-To this hill here.

-Oh, yes.

-Circumnavigating it as the enemy have occupied the summit.

Then you'll go down, through this gully,

up here, over the small knoll, and your destination is

-this hillock here.

-Hah!

I'm sure, sir, there must be another way of looking at this.

I mean, let's face it.

I mean, what do you think?

APPLAUSE

Is it, is it possible to volunteer for something

dangerous around Arras?

LAUGHTER

BOTH: Mother!

I can't believe it. May I say, sir...

Big Bertha.

Have I seen you in the back of a car?

LAUGHTER

Inside this envelope...

..is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year

which I'll read out in reverse order.

Porter, Dawn, Nyree.

-Synchronise your watches.

-Right.

-5:45.

-5:45.

-5:45.

11:10.

LAUGHTER

-11:10.

-11:10.

-11:10.

5:45.

LAUGHTER

-On your bike!

-Sorry, sir.

-Right, left, right, left, right, left...

-Hold up. Hold up.

-What?

-What?

Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.

-I like him the best in the Sweeney.

-Are you still there? I'm away then.

It's been a great pleasure working with you,

-I don't care what the others say.

-LAUGHTER

I've always had my eye on you, you're a nice fellow.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

LAUGHTER

I've got a great gag for you later on. "Look at this".

LAUGHTER

We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oof.

-Hey.

CHA-CHA MUSIC

TUBA HONKS

TUBA HONKS

TUBA HONKS

# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #

Hey!

# Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. #

TRUMPET PLAYS

-# Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #

-Oh!

HE YELLS

-# Two, three, four, five, six, seven. #

-Oh!

MUSIC STOPS

BOTH: Oh!

-What's the time?

-Eh?

They said they would.

Coffee break now for the band, you see.

-We've stopped?

-Yes.

-Sidle off. Dignity at all times.

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Send zem in.

HE SHOUTS IN GERMAN

APPLAUSE

-Achtung!

-Volkswagen!

LAUGHTER

Sorry about your arm.

LAUGHTER

Zo...

Oh!

Zo...

-Ze British pigs.

-That's not nice.

-Quiet!

-That's better.

Have you got a brother on our side?

-Oh, I tell you what, Ern.

-What?

You'll enjoy this.

He is known as Hans Everywhere.

-Now, my little Englander.

-Mein Herr.

-It's not slipped again, has it?

LAUGHTER

-TOGETHER:

-Quiet!

-Quiet!

-We have some plans for you, gentlemen.

-Oh? Lovely.

We have two methods of extracting information,

which I shall call one und two.

Very good, Sir.

-Von and two, I'll try and remember that.

-Have either of you got a coin?

-Coin?

-You got a coin?

-I'll have a look.

-I'll have a look in my wallet, sir.

-You're very privileged to see this.

-Jawohl?

-It's usually kept in your vault, yes.

MECHANISM CLICKS

By the time he gets in, you know, the pound's gone down again.

LAUGHTER

CREAKS OPEN

That was just his thumb... Just!

HE LAUGHS

No, no coin, sir. No coins.

-Zo!

-Zo? It's the zo-show.

-Hah, hah, I've got one too.

-You will be taken from here.

-Taken from here?

And haff your pound notes pulled out one by one.

-That'll be fun!

-Oh.

Oh, please, not that, please, Mr German. Have mercy on me.

I'm only little. I was always good to my mother. I never went home.

They were cruel to me at school. That beefy Miller.

She was vicious with me.

I'm only little and I want me mam.

Hey, you're right, it's good. I'm enjoying this! Oh, boy!

Didn't half help your loose change!

Well...

-VOICE OF BENNY FROM TOP CAT:

-What you going to do now, TC?

LAUGHTER

-And now it's for you.

-For me?

-With you, we shall try method number two.

-Oh.

You are going to experience the beautiful Mata Hari.

-Any of this business?

-No!

-Just for laughs?

-Don't go there.

-No, I won't.

I like you best in the "Sveeney".

The Sveeney?!

BAG SNAPS

APPLAUSE

A great sense of humour, that's all he lacks.

LAUGHTER

DRUM ROLL

BANG!

HE LAUGHS

# Bring me sunshine in your smile

# Bring me laughter all the while

# In this world where we live there should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give to each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy through the years

# Never bring me any tears

# Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. #

APPLAUSE

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you, everybody, thank you.

I'd like to thank all of you for watching me

and my little show here tonight.

If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.

So, until we meet again,

goodnight, and I love you all.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE