Episode 2 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE

Before we start the show, I'd like to tell you something about it.

This is a special production, ladies and gentlemen for the show

that, er, I'm sure...

Anyway, as I was saying, this is a special...

-Can I have a quick word with you?

-What's the matter?

What's the matter?

-I've got to tell you.

-What?

-There's been a mistake.

-A mistake?

You've got my pants on. I've got your trousers on, you've got my trousers on.

Well, what are you doing wearing my trousers?!

-Nothing to do with me!

-No?

In the quick-change room, you were too quick.

-Let's go off and get changed. Come on.

-Come here!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-That's murder, that is!

-We haven't got time for that!

-Why not?

Well, we've got to do the show in two minutes.

-Get them off now and change.

-We can't take them off!

Don't do that. I'm suffering as it is.

You can't take them off.

What are we going to do? We've got the wrong...!

-I've got it!

-What?

-I've figured it out.

Tell them all about the show and leave everything to me.

-All right.

-Do as you're told.

-All right.

As you know, this is a special production...

-Are you doing it?

-I'm telling them.

-I can't hear a word.

Well, as I was saying, this is a special production...

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

What's going on back there?

More than what's going on in front, I'll tell you that!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Right. Ready?

-Yes.

-Look at that.

-What?

-See?

-What?

-That. See that?

-Yes.

-Now, as far as they're concerned...

-Yeah?

They think I'm wearing a full suit.

-But I'm not.

-You're not?

-Because I've got that!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-What?

-That. A spare leg.

Now, what I want you to do, if you will,

is whip a spare leg into there.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I haven't got a spare leg.

-Don't just stand there, find one!

-Find one?

-Yes.

-Wait a minute.

-I'm sorry about this.

-Won't take very long.

-ERIC WHISTLES A TUNE

-You ready?

-Yes.

-Now, what he's going to do,

I hope, is he's going to whip a spare leg into there.

-Yes.

-Whip that leg into there. That's what he's doing.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Is that it? Oh, right.

Now, right. OK?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Are you in?

-Yes.

-Now, then...

THEY CHUCKLE

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Look at me.

-Now...

-What?

-You should now have another spare leg.

-Another spare leg?

-For me.

-I've got one there.

-Have you got one?

-Yes.

-Lovely. Drop it on the floor.

-All right.

-There's a good lad.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-There you are.

-Yes.

-Now, then, take it all easy, nice and casual.

-Yes.

-Relaxed. See what I mean. Now, you turn around.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

It doesn't matter which way we turn, we've got our own suits on.

-That's right.

-So we can start the show now.

-Start the show and walk off very slowly.

-Why?

-It brings tears to me eyes.

-All right.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

FILM PLAYS

That was a good film, that, wasn't it?

-Are you coming, Ted?

-Yes, love.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Hey, wait a minute.

-Where are you going?

-I'm with the wife.

There's another film on, the Morecambe and Wise Show.

-Oh, I've seen it.

-Have you?

-Terrible!

-Really?

-Oh, shocking.

Fella with the glasses, great. The other fella, nothing.

Chews nuts all the time.

I thought the little fat fella was cute, you know.

Ah, well, you would, wouldn't you?

-Do us a favour?

-What?

-Give us one of them.

-One of these?

-Yes.

Here you are.

Thanks a lot.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

WIND GUSTS

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Oh!

ERIC WHISTLES A TUNE

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

This, er...anybody's place?

-Do you mind if I, er...?

-No, go ahead.

-Eric Morecambe.

-Ernie Wise.

-How are you?

-Stop messing about!

-Thanks for inviting me into your bed.

-Yeah.

ERIC LAUGHS

It's been a grand day for it, hasn't it?

-A grand day for what?

-Well, it all depends what you've been doing.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Do you fancy a rehearsal?

Pardon?

THEY LAUGH

-Do you fancy a rehearsal?

-No, no. I'm too tired really.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I've got next week's script. It's very funny.

-Have they sent us the wrong one again?

-No.

Eh? I don't want to say anything, but the bed's moving again.

THEY LAUGH

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

The finest props in the country, these!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Eh?

I tell you something else, as well.

That was a lovely mental picture you showed there.

-Are we all right now?

-Eh?

-Are we all right now?

-Next week's script, very funny.

-Is it?

-Oh, have they sent us the wrong one, have they?

-No.

-It says, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

-Hilarious. Hilarious!

Who thinks of lines like that? They're knockout, those.

-That's not funny.

-Makes me laugh. It must be the way you do them.

-You've improved a lot lately.

-You think so?

-Yeah.

You're making me laugh.

-"Welcome to the show."

-Another gem! Another gem!

-Sidney used to write stuff like that, you know.

-Did he?

ERIC CHUCKLES

Well, I've had enough. I'm going to read my book.

-Are you?

-Yes.

-I've just finished a good book.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-What's that?

-By a Swedish doctor.

-Oh, yes?

-Mm.

-On slimming.

-On slimming?

-Very good.

-Oh, yes. Does the slimming work?

-Oh, yeah.

It was awarded the No Belly Prize for it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-You see? The No Belly Prize!

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear me!

I write stuff like that, you see. That's the kind of thing I write.

Have a crisp.

Must you eat crisps in bed?

Well, it's not pork scratchings, but I like them.

-Haven't you got a book?

-Eh?

-Haven't you got a book?

I don't eat books any more, I've given them up.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-I'm on crisps now.

I thought you had Great Expectations.

She couldn't come. Washing her hair.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

You can do impressions with these. Ken Dodd.

# Love is like a violin. #

Oh, give over!

Oh, yeah, another new book?

This one? Yes. A new book.

Have you finished Andy Pandy and the Gingerbread Man?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-I read that. I didn't like the ending.

-Too violent.

Much too violent.

Pushed him in that oven like that and stuck a currant in him.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Frightened me to death, that.

-Heh-heh!

-Yeah.

-What's that one called?

-The Wind in the Willows.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-One of the finest books ever written.

-You've read it?

-Have I?

-Yes.

-I didn't know that.

-Oh.

No. I remember it because I was in it in the school play.

-Oh, were you really?

-When I was just a kid, about four years ago.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Yeah. Ill never forget it. I played Mr Toad.

-Mr Toad?

-Mm.

Don't you think it's about time you took the make-up off?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Was that it, then?

-Any more gems?

-No, that was it.

Well, just for that, I'm going to fill the bed full of crisps.

No, don't! Stop! Oh! Stop that!

You'll find out where the salt is in a few minutes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Haven't you got a book of your own?

-Read a book!

-I'll read my cowboy.

-Cowboy?

-Right.

"Hank brought his faithful horse to a halt at the top of the ridge.

"It sure is mighty quiet up here, he whispered to himself."

He whispered to himself?

"A man could be happy in a country like this, he murmured softly.

"Oh, what peace and quiet!

"Just a gentle breeze and his gun belt supporting..."

-Must you read...must you read out so loud?

-I'm a bit deaf.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-"And his gun belt..."

-Go and put the cat out!

-Oh, all right.

-You rotten devil!

-What?

-We haven't got a flaming cat!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-Two can play at that tormenting lark.

-Well, move over!

Look, why don't you sleep in a bed of your own?

You get me a teddy that looks like you and I will!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Get your feet out of the way!

I know you've got short, fat, hairy legs, but must you keep them in curlers?!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I'm beginning to believe all this publicity about you!

-Ha-ha!

-Will you stop it?

-I can't stand any more of this. I'm going to sleep.

-So am I.

-Now, put the light out!

-Right.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-I said, put the light out!

-I've put it out.

Oh, never mind, I'll put it out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-That's clever.

-What?

How can a little fella like you have such a long arm?

-How did you do that then?

-The wires are crossed or something.

-Oh, are they?

-Now, let's press together now.

-Yep.

-Here we go.

-Right.

One, two, three, press.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

How are you doing it? You've saved up for me, haven't you?

Little Party Tricks In Bed!

ERIC LAUGHS

All I know is I can't sleep with that on.

Well, You can't sleep with that on either, can you?

I mean, you never do. Are you taking it off?

Are you giving it to Yul Brynner tonight?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Don't get personal.

I don't like to draw attention to it. I'm very sensitive about it.

-Well, that's all right. A little bit of canvas there. That's all.

-Sh!

-You taking it off?

-No, I'm not, because, I'll tell you why,

I never take it off while that light's on. You know that.

-I'm a bit embarrassed.

-Oh, well, I'll turn it off. One, two, three.

Ah! Baldy!

I knew you were going to do that. Devil.

I'm wide awake now, I can't even get to sleep.

Well, give us a song, give us a song!

-Don't know any songs.

-Do your tap dance.

-No.

-I can't sleep, how am I going to sleep?

-I don't know.

Oh, here you are. One of these pills, sleeping pills.

-Sleeping pills?

-Got them at the chemist this morning.

-Are they any good? Are they any good?

-Oh, yeah. Marvellous, these.

-Yeah?

Put them in my back pocket,

-me leg went dead.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-They're really strong, these.

-They won't put me to sleep.

-These will. Bet you.

-They won't put me to sleep.

-I'm telling you. I'll bet you a pound.

-They don't work on me.

-You'll be asleep before I am. I bet you a pound.

-A pound?

-A pound.

-Out your widow's pension.

-OK.

-A pound. Get the glass.

-All right.

# Sit at my piano! #

Give over.

APPLAUSE

-You're not on television now, you know?

-Oh, well, it'll make a change.

Are you asleep yet?

I've just taken the pill. Idiot.

-They're strong, though, these.

-They are, very strong.

ERIC WHISTLES

Argh!

-You were away then.

-Yes, I know.

-You were in the Himalayas, looking for your dad. I saw you.

They are very strong, I can't keep me eyelids open.

-That's the idea, isn't it?

-It's terrible.

They're very good, those pills, I must say. What's in them?

It says on the box here.

"To be taken regularly once a night..."

Oh...

What do you mean, "Oh"?

"Mrs Morton."

LAUGHTER

I've got...

-You see what's happened, you see...

-What?

He's given me Mrs Morton's pills.

Instead of Mr Morecambe, you see, he's got mixed up, the chemist.

Let's have a look.

The pill?

"To be taken regularly once a night,

"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday..." "Mrs Mor..."

This is terrible, you know what's happened to us?

It's not half as bad as what's going to happen

to poor old Mrs Morton, though, is it?!

LAUGHTER

Morny Stannit!

Morny Stannit!

Morning Standard.

Morny Stannit!

Morning Standard.

Mor...ny Stannit!

-Morning.

-Mor-neeng.

Standard.

-Stannit.

-Standard.

Tan-dord.

Morning Standard.

Mor-ning Standard!

Get your Morning Standard!

Morning Standard.

Get your Morning Standard.

-We are very lucky, you know, in a way.

-Mm.

-We've had some great sing alongs on the show.

-Oh, international stars.

-International singers.

-Slasher.

-Slasher?

-The French fella, Slasher Distillery.

We've had him.

Sacha Distel.

That sounds painful, that.

-That's not a name, is it?

-Yes.

-It's a product.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Shirley Bassey.

# They asked me how I knew

# My true love was true

# I of course reply

# Something here inside

# Cannot be denied

# They said someday you'll find

# All who love are blind

# When your heart's on fire

# You must realise

# Smoke gets in your eyes

# So I chaff them and I gaily laughed

# To think they could doubt our love

# Yet today, my love has gone away

# I am without my love

# Now laughing friends deride

# Tears I cannot hide

# So I smile and say

# When a lovely flame dies

# Smoke gets in your eyes

# So I chaff and I gaily laughed

# To think they could doubt my love

# Yet today, my love has gone away

# I am without my love

# Now, laughing friends deride

# Tears I cannot hide

# So I smile and say

# When a lovely flame dies

-# Smoke gets in your eyes.

-#

-Nice to see you.

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-One of the finest things.

-Did you enjoy it?

-One of the finest things you've ever done.

-Thank you.

Can I have my shoe back, please?

-I'll get it for you now.

-Thank you.

-Entertain the lady.

-I will.

-Did that hurt?

-No, not at all. I rather enjoy it.

-You wear some lovely frocks on the telly.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-I have written a special romantic song for you, actually.

-Have you?

Yes. I wrote it while I was behind that cardboard box.

-I'd love to hear it.

-It's the same sort of tune as Hey Little Hen.

# Hey, little hen... #

It's in the same style as Burt Backache.

-Backache?

-Yes. Well, it's been a pleasure working with you. Charmed.

It's been nice working with you too, both of you.

Thank you very much. Good night.

VOICEOVER: 'Miss Bournemouth.'

'Miss Torquay'.

'Miss Blackpool.'

'Mrs Morecambe'.

You dirty codger, this is what you get up to! I'll fix you!

-Hello!

-Hello!

You the new left back?

Yeah. I'm ever so excited.

I've never played football before.

I used to be over there, by the rifle range.

In the girls' hockey team.

You got to wear a long, blond wig.

I wouldn't mind that.

And navy blue knickers.

I wouldn't mind that.

Oh, I can't wait to get started.

-Wish you wouldn't do that.

-You look as if you've been around a bit.

42,338 consecutive games.

And I only had the trainer on once!

-And that was for a coat of varnish.

-Were you lacquered?

-Bound to be.

What happened to the fellow I replaced?

-Charlie?

-Charlie, yeah.

-Charlie Crunch?

Legs fell off.

And his arms.

And his head.

-Can't have been much of him left.

-Not a lot.

And what there was wasn't worth looking at.

-I wouldn't fancy my head falling off.

-Ah, it'll be all right.

-Arthur will save you.

-Arthur?

-The cat.

-Why do you call him the cat?

They're having him seen to tomorrow.

Looks as if he's already been seen to.

-I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

-Can't wait to get started.

-Oh, he's here again.

-Who?

Spotty-faced kid with the ice cream cornet.

-Haven't you heard about him?

-No.

Here, I'll tell you about him. Come here.

Go back, he's listening.

-He cheats.

-How does he cheat?

-Uses a bent penny.

-What happens?

-When the ball comes down, I've got to kick it like that.

Doesn't half hurt.

Spotty-faced kid.

Look out, the game's started!

One down now.

We've started again!

Arthur, get the ball, Arthur!

We're two down now!

Hey, our forwards have got the ball!

-I've got no chance, then.

-Charlie's got the ball!

He hasn't scored for 40 years!

BELL DINGS

-Charlie's scored!

-I said he would. Well done, Charlie!

-Great goal, that. He'll never score again.

-Why not?

His head's fallen off.

-Great goal there, Charlie. Great goal. Oh, he's back again.

-Who?

That kid with the ice cream cornet.

If I was out there,

I'd shove that ice cream cornet right up your nose!

Leave him alone! I like him.

-Get off.

-Oh. What are you going to do?

-I'm going to sing.

-I'll go, then.

-No, you stay with me. You give me confidence.

-Oh. All right.

-Thank you, Jack.

MUSIC STARTS

# Guess there's no use in hanging round

# Guess I'll get dressed and do the town

# I'll find some crowded avenue

# Though it will be empty without you

# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do

# Gonna live my whole life through

# Loving you

# Called up some girl I used to know

# After I heard her say hello

# Couldn't think of anything to say

# Since you've gone it happens every day

# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do

# Gonna live my whole life through

# Loving you

# I'll find somebody, wait and see

# Who am I kidding? Only me

# Cos no-one else could take your place

# Guess that I am just a hopeless case

# I can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do

# Gonna live my whole life through

# Loving you

# Can't get used to losing you no matter what I try to do

# Gonna live my whole life through

# Loving you. #

MUSIC CONTINUES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE