Episode 3 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

MUSIC: "Bring Me Sunshine"

APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.

Wonderful audience tonight, Eric, eh?

There's nothing like a good audience, is there?

Looking forward to the show?

You don't look very happy.

Is it something I've said?

Don't you want to do the show?

Well, what's the matter with you?

-RECORDING:

-'I've lost my voice.'

LAUGHTER

You've done what?

'I've just told you, I've lost my voice.'

Well, have a good cough and clear your throat.

-'Very well.'

-HE COUGHS

'Arsenal!'

Have you seen the doctor?

'Saw the doctor this afternoon.'

I don't believe you.

What did the doctor say?

'Listen for yourself.'

KNOCKS ON DOOR

'Come in.'

-'Good morning, doctor.'

-'Good morning, what's your problem?'

-'I think I've lost my voice.'

-'I see.

'Well, then, open your mouth.

'Wide. Wider.'

'Well, doctor?'

'Laryngitis, you've lost your voice.'

-'But I have a show to do.'

-'Out of the question.

'You'll have to record everything on tape and save your voice.'

'Well, thank you very much, I'll do that.

-'Good day.'

-'Good day.'

Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you, Eric.

You've certainly lost your voice and we've got a show to do.

We have got a problem.

'I'm sure you'll think of something.'

I already have.

'I'll sing a couple of songs and fill in that way.'

LAUGHTER

'Just a moment, just a moment. What's the idea?'

'Don't know what you're talking about.'

'You're using a tape recorder.'

'If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me.'

'I'll flatten you.'

'Not being awkward at all.

'I've lost my voice as well now.'

RECORDING PLAYS CHEERY MUSIC

-'Not now, Arthur.'

-'Get up.'

-'They're all at it now.'

-'It's your fault.'

-'Shut up.'

-'What do you think of it so far?'

BOTH: 'Rubbish.'

MUSIC: "Gotcha" by Tom Scott

LAUGHTER

TYRES SCREECH

APPLAUSE

At this point in the programme, we always try

and introduce something different, something novel, something unusual.

-Psst.

-So, tonight, we thought we'd... Yeah?

-He's arrived.

-He's arrived?

-Oh, I am glad.

LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-You said, "He's arrived."

Yes, you said you wanted something novel in the programme.

-That's right, who's arrived?

-I've got him.

-You've got him?

-Samson the Great.

-Samson the Great?

-The strongest man in the world.

-But where did you find him?

-Up a tree in Harpenden.

-A tree in Harpenden?

-He's half-man, half-beast.

-That's exactly the novelty we want.

-You have never seen anything...

-I'll show you.

-All right.

-Ready, Samson? One, two, three, up!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

-Now, that's strength.

-Magnificent!

-Isn't it?

And I'll tell you something... Samson, do me a favour, love.

Don't put your thumb there in the fleshy part.

LAUGHTER

That's better.

-Strong, isn't he?

-Well, he's magnificent.

-You watch this.

You ready, Samson? Up, one, two, three...ooh!

-That's powerhouse stuff, that, isn't it?

-That's wonderful!

-Hey.

Samson...

..don't hold me there, there's a good lad.

It's liable to come off in your hand, you see?

LAUGHTER

What's the matter?

He's got me by the shoulder, he could pull it out of the socket.

-Right. He's strong, isn't he?

-He's magnificent.

-Right, then.

Now, up and down, Samson, you ready?

Oh, look at that. Ooh, ooh.

-What do you think?

-I think...

-Now, that is brute strength, isn't it?

-He must be the strongest man in the world.

-Oh, he is.

Well, bring him out and let him meet...

-Well, I'm not so sure whether I can.

-Why not?

-Well, he's wild, you see.

-Yes?

-Yes.

And I'm afraid he's got one or two nasty habits that you might not...

Oh, don't do that, Samson.

-It's not very nice.

-What's he doing?

Scratching his ear with his foot.

-It's terrible.

-But I think we ought to bring him out.

-Well, coax him out with a nice introduction.

-All right, all right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you've all seen what Samson can do.

Obviously, he's the strongest man in the world.

We might even get him to scratch his ear with his foot.

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome to Samson the Great!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Very good!

Is it switched on?

-Samson...

-You haven't brought it.

-Samson the Great?

-In the flesh.

-Strongest man in the world?

What can't speak cannot lie.

I think we ought to just thank him for coming along here tonight.

Well, Samson, I'd just like...

Don't! You be careful there.

-I just saved you there from destruction.

-Did you really?

Strongest man in the world.

He tears telephone operators in half, don't you?

Just thank him very quietly and we'll send him home.

I'd just like to say thank you very much, Mr Samson, for coming

along on the show and we're all happy to see you and thank you.

LAUGHTER

What did you do that for?

Well, I thought you said he was the strongest man in the world?

Oh, do me a favour! You knew he was working a flaming forklift truck.

I didn't know that!

-How can a little fella lift me?

-Well, I thought he was...

No, that was in his youth.

What about...?

He's like me now.

APPLAUSE

Do you think I could get my picture on the front of Time Magazine?

-Oh, no, no.

-No?

-I couldn't.

-Why not?

-Your face is too large.

-Well, couldn't we get a smaller face?

-I've got four of them.

-Four of them?

The Small Faces and here they are, folks. What a build-up for them.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "All Or Nothing" by The Small Faces

# I thought you'd listen to my reasoning

# But now I see you don't hear a thing

# Try to make you see

# How it's got to be

# Yes, it's all right

# All or nothing

# Yeah, yeah

# All or nothing

# Ma ma ma

# All or nothing for me

# Things could work out just like I want them to, yeah

# If I could have the other half of you, yeah

# You know I would

# Hot, yeah, yeah

# If I only could

# Yes, it's all right

# All or nothing

# Hey, yeah!

# All or nothing

# Ma ma my

# All or nothing

# For me

# Ba ba ba ba da

# Ba ba ba da ba

# Ba ba ba ba da

# Ba ba ba da ba

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# I didn't tell you no lies, girl

# So don't you sit there and cry, girl, yeah!

# All or nothing

# Hey, yeah!

# All or nothing

# And my children singing

# All or nothing

# For me. #

APPLAUSE

-Sorry I was late.

-Oh, that's all right.

Watch it!

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't stand for that if I were you.

He hit my arm.

He hit my arm.

Well, hit him back.

What do you think you're doing?

LAUGHTER

(He hit my foot.)

(He hit my foot.)

(He stamped on my foot.)

Don't take any notice.

He's only bluffing.

Stamp on his foot.

(Thank you.)

LAUGHTER

(Have you seen what he's done to my hat?)

Thought he would.

Tell him you'll fetch a policeman.

I'll fetch a policeman.

I am a policeman.

He is a policeman.

He's gone too far this time.

-(What shall I do?)

-Show him you mean business.

Give him a good, hard punch.

(I will.)

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES

APPLAUSE

CHURCH BELLS RING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Look, I don't care what you say, I'm going to do this dance routine

-with Cliff because I'm young and full of vitality.

-Of course you are.

You only need half a bottle now to watch Top Of The Pops.

You just get on with your aeroplanes, Grandad.

DOORBELL RINGS

If you've got any strength left, answer the door, will you?

That's Cliff now.

Tell him to hang on and I'll sew some sequins on to your long johns.

ERNIE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

APPLAUSE

-Cliff, baby!

-Hello, Ernie.

-How are you, Cliff? Listen, I...

How are you, Eric?

ERIC COUGHS

Look at that.

It's took off.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, how are you?

-Oh, fine, thanks.

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you too.

-Sit down, take the weight off your latest release.

-Did you make that?

-It's a hobby of mine, yeah.

-It's not very good, really.

-You're joking, that's beautiful.

-You think so?

-Yeah.

Hey, Cliff, Cliff, let me tell you about my latest dance routine.

Honestly, what happens is I come on...

Look, look, I'll be with you in just one minute, Ernie,

-only I've never seen workmanship like that before.

-Nice, isn't it?

-Fantastic.

-It's a gift, I suppose, really.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I get it from my dad.

-Oh.

-He was an engineer on British Rail.

-Was he really?

He used to weld the croissants and the meat pies.

LAUGHTER

-Specialised job.

-Is it? And you've always made models, have you?

All my life.

Made him from a kit.

LAUGHTER

Trouble was, when I got to his legs, I ran out of wood.

-Well, I tell you, it's very good.

-It's not bad, is it?

I mean, you can't see the join.

I can't see the join. Did you get that one?

You're not going to do a lot of jokes like that, are you?

LAUGHTER

-Why?

-Well, I don't want there to be any friction between us

because if you play your cards right, you and I could be friends.

Cliff, Cliff, listen to this, this is the record that I thought we'd do the number to.

-Great.

-OK? Listen! Listen.

-All right.

MUSIC: "Living Doll" by Cliff Richard

Turn that rubbish off!

I can't stand that fella!

-What's the matter with you?

-Eh?

-Here. That was Cliff singing, you fool.

You've upset him now, that was him.

-Cor, I'm fed up with you.

-Hang on.

-Hey, what's the matter with Eric?

-Oh, he's in a bad mood.

-Ask him why he won't do the dance routine.

-All right.

Eric, why won't you do the dance routine?

Well, Cliff...

You don't mind if I call you Cliff, do you, Richard?

Well, I feel at my age now, the only thing I want to do is smoke me pipe,

put me slippers on, and paint me models.

-And watch Match Of The Day.

-Didn't even know it was on.

-Oh, no?

-No, I didn't know it was on, I'll tell you that, sunbeam.

-It's on television.

-Nothing to do with me, I didn't even know about that.

-That's why he didn't want to do the dance routine.

-No, it isn't.

-I just want to paint my...

-Typical, that.

-You're like a six-year-old child, you are.

-Shut up!

-Shut up! You see?

"Shut up. Shut up."

HE IMITATES PLANE ENGINE

Come in, B for Charlie. Come in, B for Charlie.

Bandits at six o'clock, bandits at six o'clock!

The Archers at quarter to seven.

Cliff, it's no good, it's no good.

-We've got to have the three of us to do the dance routine.

-I know, I know.

Now, can't you persuade him? Go on, ingratiate yourself.

-All right. Eric...

-Yes?

-Here.

Look, why don't you do this dance routine as a special favour for me?

Well...seeing as you put it like that...

No.

I knew he'd say that, I knew it!

-But for you, I will. Just for you.

-Really? Now, this should be good.

I'll show you. You're in for a treat now. You watch this.

You watch this for dancing.

THEY LAUGH

-You were laughing then!

-No!

-You were laughing.

-That was...

No, that was really fantastic.

You shouldn't keep a talent like that to yourself.

-I mean, that wasn't dancing.

-What do you mean, it wasn't dancing?

That was leg poetry.

-Leg poetry, eh?

-Yeah, you make Pan's People look like a gang of navvies.

There's no answer to that.

I mean, look, you know, your dancing ability has been well fostered.

It's pretty obvious to me that you have been nurtured.

LAUGHTER

Isn't that what they do to tom cats?

LAUGHTER

I think so, yes.

Yes, I think so.

Listen, the world has a right to enjoy your talents.

I'm ready to rehearse when you are, I don't know why he's hanging about!

-To rehearse what?

-The number!

-Oh, the dance routine?

-He wants to do the dance routine.

-Better move the table.

I'll give you a hand, just move it over there.

-This is what's going to happen.

-I'll give you a hand, move the chair.

Just a little bit. That's enough! That's lovely.

-We're going to do this number, you in the front and we're...

-Settee.

-Oh.

-Yes, move the settee, that's fine, OK.

With some of these young people, you never know.

Hey, Cliff, now this is the idea, you see?

You'll be singing up front, we'll do movements at the back.

-Up front?

-That's right.

-Any particular song?

-Yes, your latest hit, Living Doll.

-Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Latest hit?!

-You haven't forgotten it already, have you?

It's on the radio all the time.

-I'll play it for you, you listen.

-Yeah, he'll play it for you.

Two and two and two, three.

HE PLAYS VERY BADLY

# Living doll! #

OK, OK.

-You recognise it?

-Well, it's in there somewhere, innit?

-OK!

-Don't let's mess about, let's get going.

You sing the song in the front, we'll do movements at the back.

# I got myself... #

Hold it!

I wish you wouldn't do that!

You know it gives me a headache!

He hasn't got one, has he? He hasn't got a microphone!

He's got to have something in his hand, hasn't he?

That's true, yes. Well, I'll get you one of these.

LAUGHTER

Testing, testing, hello, hello, hello!

-Yes, it's him.

-OK.

-Oh, it's the right way.

# I got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking living doll

BOTH: # Yeah, yeah, yeah!

# Got to do my best to please her just cos she's a living doll

# Yeah, yeah, yeah!

# I got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul

# My soul! #

-Where's he gone?

-Eh?

-He's gone!

-I didn't hear the door slam.

-No, he's disa...

I, um...

Well, I really don't know how to say this.

-Don't say anything.

-No.

-We know it was great.

Oh, yes, it was great, but what I really mean is, um...

well, don't you think that the routine was a little...

old-fashioned?

No, no, let me put it this way.

I'm singing a sort of young, with-it type of song,

and your routine is just...

..old.

LAUGHTER

All right, all right, look, what I'm really trying to say is this, look -

didn't I see you do the same thing with Tom Jones?

BOTH: Who?

LAUGHTER

Tom Jones.

Curly hair? Six foot?

Well set-up?

That was Nina.

LAUGHTER

-You remember Tom Jones!

-I remember him.

-Yeah.

-Wouldn't have his picture taken with us.

-That's right.

-That's right, and when he left, he was covered in managers.

-Yes.

-It's nothing personal...

-It's all coming back to me now.

Nothing personal, don't get me wrong but have you got any other steps?

-Excuse me.

-Right.

Have we got...

Have we got another dance routine that we can do with him?

-Well, we've only got the two, haven't we?

-Sh!

LAUGHTER

Well, we've only got the two, haven't we?

-Pretty Baby and Yankee Doodle Dandy.

-Yes.

Well, which one were you doing then?

Pretty Baby.

-Well, that's what's thrown him!

-Why?

-I was doing Yankee Doodle Dandy.

-LAUGHTER

-You weren't!

-Yeah.

-Well, what are we going to do?

-We'll do Yankee Doodle Dandy.

-Yeah.

-But we'll do it quicker.

See what I mean? He's only young, he won't know it.

-Do you remember it?

-Yeah, keep remembering the animals.

One, two, three, four.

# I'm a Yankee Doodle... #

APPLAUSE

-Can we do one of Ernie's plays?

-Oh, yes.

-Certainly not!

-Well, but...

-You've upset him now.

-Why?

-You can always tell when he starts kicking the carpet.

Listen, all I was suggesting is that we do a more with-it routine,

that's all, something like this, look, ready?

-Very good!

-Thank you.

-Excellent.

But we're not playing for laughs, are we?

LAUGHTER

-Did you see it?

-It was embarrassing!

-It was embarrassing!

-I'm all right now, I'm all right now.

Nothing to it, look! Anyone can do that.

LAUGHTER

You're not dealing with a mug when it comes to tap dancing

-with this fella, I'll tell you that.

-Oh, I can see!

-In 1937...

Nnn!

In 1937, he went to Miss Hunter's dancing class

-just above the Plaza, didn't you?

-Eric, is he...

And I'm not kidding, he was the only boy in 500 girls.

Is he all right?

We won't take a chance, give us a hand.

It could happen to him like this.

-With him being nearer to the ground, you see?

-Yowch!

-He's all right now.

-I've got it!

I'm not surprised, in the position like that.

The three of us dress as American sailors

on a battleship dancing with mops.

You have done it again, out of the blue, from nowhere!

-He's great, this boy, and it's never been done, that.

-Never been done!

Never been done? I saw Gene Kelly do the same thing in a film.

Both: Gene Kelly?!

She'd never dress up as an American sailor!

Not since she became Princess Grace of Meccano!

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't realise.

You've got to be guided by us, we're full of experience.

We'll do it your way, but are you sure it's going to work?

Of course, are you afraid of something?!

You can have your group at the back, you know, Oliver, Newton and John!

Three nice fellas and they work cheap, what more do you want?

-It's fixed, then, it's fixed. And incidentally...

-Yes.

What was on Match Of The Day tonight?

Luton.

You rotten devil! You've done that purposely, haven't you?

You've managed so I can't watch my favourite team!

-I can see it all now.

-Eh?

-Lights, music...

-He's snapped.

Action!

MARCHING BAND PLAYS

# Hey there, mister, you'd better watch your sister

# Cos the fleet's in, the fleet's in

# Hey there, mister, can't say that no-one's kissed her

# Cos the fleet's in, the fleet's in

# If they do as well on the sea

# As they do on the shore

# Hey there, congress, you can tax us some more

# Get me, I'm always kidding

# Hey there, rookie, you'd better watch your cookie

# Cos the fleet's in, the fleet's in

# They'll take anything if it isn't nailed down

# To the ground

# She may be dark or fair, for sailors don't care

# As long as she's wearing a gown

# So if you love her, keep under cover

# The fleet's in town! #

CLATTERING

MUSIC: "Barnacle Bill"

# The fleet's in town! #

APPLAUSE

# Just around the corner may be sunshine for you

# Just around the corner skies above may be blue

# Keep a little smile on, that's the right thing to do

# In a little while your troubles

# They will disappear like bubbles

# Just around the corner, there's a bluebird on high

# Waiting for a rainbow in the sky

# Why?

# Even though it's dark and cloudy

# Sun may peep through and say howdy

# Just around the corner from you!

# Hey! #

APPLAUSE