Episode 4 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to what, this week, is a really way-out show!

From now on, it's go, go, go, all the way.

We've got some really swinging guests for ya,

-and first of all, ladies and gentlemen...

-Excuse me, madam.

Have you seen Ernie Wise?

You can't miss him, but you can, because he's only a little fella.

He's got a dimple, a hollow chin.

When he smiles, his whole face caves in.

And what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

-I'm not a nice girl.

-Good!

Give me a kiss!

What are you playing at? It's me!

By golly, that was close, Ern.

That was close, that.

Look, tonight, I'm with-it!

I'm with it every night but I don't go about dressed like that!

And that coat. You must get rid of it.

-Why?

-It's got distemper. You can tell from here.

Look, I don't care what you say, I like it.

HE SCATS DITZILY

-Full of it, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

You might like it. But are you getting any?

Getting any?

Yes, you heard!

Oh, dear!

-Getting any what?

-Laughs!

You're doing it for laughs, you're not doing it for real, are you?

You don't mean this, you're doing it for laughs.

I'm not getting any laughs!

You're getting a few funny looks, I'll tell you that!

Even the cameramen have stopped focusing!

And they've seen everything.

Good Lord! They've downed tools.

You don't know anything about fashion, do you?

Not any more, I don't, no.

-Look at me when I'm talking to you. Tell me one thing.

-What?

-Did you come here tonight in that hat?

-Yes.

Couldn't you get a taxi?

-Come on.

-No.

Why?

Just because someone is dressed a little differently from you,

you have to mock and ridicule.

I can't get over that coat, Ern.

What's the matter with this coat?

Does it tug when you go past a lamp post?

-Promise me one thing.

-What?

Don't ever go to the countryside wearing that coat.

-Why?

-If a big, lusty farmer sees you, you've had it.

-What do you mean?

-You'll be sheared and dipped before you know where you are.

That'll bring the colour back to your cheeks. As it always did!

Have you finished with the fur coat jokes?

-Go on, get them out of your system.

-I've only got one left.

-What?

Where do you clip the lead?

-Hey, come on.

-No, I'm not.

I look a right idiot doing that by myself.

I'll tell you why I'm dressed like this.

Oh, yes, you will!

A couple of nights ago, I had a happening.

I freaked out!

In the Kings Road!

-Ow!

-It's working well, isn't it?

I'm freaking out now!

And I'll tell you something else.

I went to this discotheque.

ERIC SHRIEKS

I met this dolly bird.

And we really moved it!

HE SCATS

-You did that?

-Yes!

-With a girl?!

-With a girl!

-All night!

-You dirty devil!

When's the wedding?

Good God!

I've got to dress like that to get a girl? I'd be ashamed!

I'm staying as I am, I tell you that, matey!

It was good enough for your grandfather.

-You're getting them all in, aren't you?

-Yes.

That bit of business, as well.

What you don't realise is, when you get to our age...

You speak for yourself.

-You've got to dress like this to get the birds!

-HE SCATS

I'm going to have to shoot you in the leg. You know that.

Wow! That is fantastic.

I've never caught such a cool scene, man, that's wild, that's really wild!

Why don't you come over to my pad...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# You were never lovelier

# You were never so fair

# You were never lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier

SOPRANO: # Lovelier!

# There may be trouble ahead

# Aaahhh!

# But while there's moonlight and music

# And love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# There may be teardrops to shed

# Aaahhh!

# So while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

-# I won't tell

-# She won't tell

-# So don't ask her

-# I won't say

-# She won't say

-# Don't ask her

# I won't dance

-# She won't dance

-# Madam, with you

# My heart won't let my feet do things they should do

-# You know what?

-# Know what?

-# I'm lovely

-# And so what?

-# So what?!

-# I'm lovely!

-# You know what?

-# Oh, what?

-# You do to me

# I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore

# Must you dance

# Every dance

# With the same

# Fortunate man?

# You have danced with him since the music began

# Won't you change partners and dance with me?

# Must you dance

# Quite so close

# With your lips

# Touching his face?

# Won't you change partners and dance with me?

# You may never want to change partners again

THEY TAP-DANCE

BAND PLAYS "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ"

# You're lovely

# Never, never change

# Keep that breathless charm

# Won't you please arrange it?

# Cos I love you

# Just the way you look

# Tonight! #

APPLAUSE

Who you trying now for guests?

Yehudi Menuhin.

What does he do?

He's a musician.

Is he? What's he play?

You know nothing, you. "What's he play"?!

Oh! Hello, Mr Menuhin!

-RP ACCENT:

-This is the BBC here.

We've got a great, big, spectacular show going out at Christmas

and we'd like you to take part. Are you interested?

Yes, I am interested. What is the name of the show?

The Morecambe & Wise Show.

And you say you want me to bring

my banjo?

LAUGHTER

But I don't play the banjo. Would a violin be any good?

It wouldn't.

Sorry, can't help you!

APPLAUSE

-Is the doctor in?

-Yes.

I don't blame you for moving.

I'm told it's highly contagious.

LAUGHTER

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's with great pleasure I'd like to introduce to you now

that great international star from the continent, and Europe,

the fantastic, the world-famous Mr Memory!

-Thank you, thank you, good evening, Mr Memory.

-Good morning.

Mr Memory, I understand that you have a brain capable of remembering

every event that ever happened anywhere, any time, in the world.

That is correct.

Question number one, Mr Memory, could you please tell me

who won the FA Cup in 1950?

FA Cup, 1950.

Yes.

-COUGHS:

-Arsenal!

Tranmere Rovers!

-No?

-No, no.

It was not Tranmere Rovers.

That was just additional information,

thrown in just for your benefit. Quite free.

-COUGHS LOUDLY:

-Arsenal!

It was, er...

-COUGHS:

-Arsenal!

Excuse me. I've got a very chesty cold, here.

Thank you.

It was Chester!

Chester won the FA Cup in 1950!

-COUGHS:

-Arsenal!

Arsenal won the FA Cup in 1950 as well!

-Absolutely correct!

-And the man who scored the goal had a nasty cough!

-Congratulations, Mr Memory!

-Thank you.

Now, could you please tell me,

who was the English Prime Minister, in England...

That was clever!

..in 1801.

The English Prime Minister, in England, in 1801.

Sorry, you nearly fell down that big, deep Pitt, William!

The English Prime Minister of England in 1801

was William Big!

No! Pick again.

William Deep!

No!

-William Pitt!

-Absolutely correct!

-Thank you!

-HE COUGHS

-Arsenal!

Now for question number three.

Could you tell me who was it who formed the British police force?

Oh, I'd love to.

-Well?

-Yes, thank you!

Why, it's easy. Of course it's easy.

It's as easy as PEEL-ing,

as PEEL-ing an orange!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the British police force was formed

-by Sir Max Jaffa!

-No!

But...

The "Sir" part was right.

Sir Nell Gwynn!

No! Not quite correct!

Sir Not Quite Correct?!

Oh, I ap-PEEL to you!

Oh! Sir Robert Pee-Peel! Peel!

Sir Robert Peel formed Sir Max Jaffa!

No!

-The British police force.

-As well?!

-Absolutely correct!

-Yes!

-COUGHS

-Arsenal!

Congratulations, sir. That was absolutely brilliant.

-They'll absolutely be nonplussed out there.

-I'm sure they are!

-They can't believe it ever happened.

-Can I have my money now?

-You'd like the rest in the dressing room?

-Well, I've worked very hard.

Of course you have. Your brain must be tired.

-Oh, it's going mad.

-There's your money. As agreed, five pounds.

-Was it?

-Yes, it was five pounds.

HE LAUGHS

-No, it was ten.

-It was five pounds!

-No,

-£10. It was definitely £5!

Well, you could be right. I've got a shocking memory.

-HE COUGHS

-Arsenal!

BELL TOLLS

BELL TOLLS AGAIN

ENGINE SPLUTTERS TO LIFE

# Oh, there's a kind of hush

# All over the world tonight

# All over the world, you can hear the sound

# Of lovers in love

# You know what I mean

# Just the two of us

# And nobody else

# In sight, there's nobody else

# And I'm feeling good, just holding you tight

# So listen very carefully

# Closer now and you will see what I mean

# It isn't a dream

# The only sound that you will hear

# Is when I whisper in your ear, "I love you"

# For ever and ever

# And there's a kind of hush

# All over the world tonight

# All over the world, people just like us are falling in love

Happy children singing.

# La la la la-la la la

# La la la la-la la la

# La la la la la

# La-la la la la la

# La-la la la la la

# So listen very carefully

# Closer now, and you will see what I mean

# It isn't a dream

# The only sound that you will hear

# Is when I whisper in your ear, "I love you"

# For ever and ever

# There's a kind of hush

# All over the world, tonight

# All over the world, people just like us are falling in love

# Yeah, they're falling in love

Sh!

# Hush! #

APPLAUSE

< COUGHING

You win, very good. Very nice game.

-What's he like?

-Oh, he's very, very good.

-He is?

-Excellent, yes.

-I'll beat him.

-He's too cunning for you.

-Ah, watch this!

APPLAUSE

Had a bath?

Not September already, is it?

Time flies, doesn't it?

Tempus fugit!

September already, eh?

Do me a favour. Cut out the jokes.

It's late and I'm tired.

Funny you should say that, about jokes.

-You've just thought of one.

-A cracker.

-That's your wine gums...

-I don't like wine gums!

I tried to get you some jelly babies

but the woman in the sweet shop didn't have any.

I said, "A quarter of jelly babies, please.

"Make 'em all boys, cos you get more!"

Got no nerves with her, you know? Straight in.

-Is that the joke?

-No, that's true.

No, the joke is...

This fella goes on his holidays, you see.

Ha-ha!

And the landlady says, "Do you like lamb?"

He says, "Yes, I love lamb."

And when he goes upstairs, he finds four sheep in the bedroom.

Want a fight?

You're not the only one that reads The Dandy!

-You didn't read the mail this morning, did you?

-I never saw it.

-What was in it?

-I thought you hadn't asked about that letter I got.

-You got a letter?

-Offering me a part!

In a pantomime, in Cinderella. Me, by myself, they don't want you.

Just me.

-Pantomime, eh? Cinderella? And what part did they offer you?

-Zip.

-Zip?

-They've done away with Buttons!

Ha-ha! They've done away with Buttons!

Had you up with that one, didn't I?!

Ha! It's the wine gums. Send you wild after a while.

LAUGHTER

How long you been wearing them, Grandad?!

I said, cut out the jokes, didn't I?

Oh, do me a favour. That's a joke in itself.

Something subtle, that's what I like!

-I'm not wearing these as a joke!

-Look in the mirror, then!

I have to look after my health. I have a very...

Delicate chest. I know.

These are government surplus.

-Are they?

-Yes.

Got enough room there for the whole of the Cabinet!

They are ex-naval officers'.

I can see that, there's a porthole at the back. You turn round!

Let's have a look.

And a picture of Gerald Nabarro.

How do you do that? That's fabulous, that!

-Move over.

-Have a wine gum.

-I don't want a wine gum!

-Oh!

-My pyjamas.

-I sold 'em. Ha-ha!

-Wouldn't be surprised.

What are you doing?

Pardon?

You're not putting your pyjamas over your long johns, are you?

Yes, I am.

That's a real old man's trick, that is.

-Now go on, move over.

-I am.

My half of the bed.

Got that camphorated oil on again?

Yes.

You'll stink the room out tonight.

I'll be walking about with wavy lines going round me tomorrow!

And I'm going to...You're not going to read that, are you?

No, I'm just going to look at the words, you fool!

One of the finest books ever written, this.

-What is it?

-The Sex Life Of A Tulip.

By Godfrey Winn.

Unexpurgated.

Unexpurgated?

He wrote it in his bare feet.

Why don't you read something decent?

What, though, what, though, what?

-Something like Shakespeare.

-Don't like Shakespeare.

He was all right while he was writing for Laurence Olivier.

Then they had that split and had that big row.

He's never written anything since. Rubbish.

People falling off castles, that's all he's ever done. Don't like him.

Never gets any laughs.

God!

Dearie me!

You mean it, don't you?

Hey, that's brought the colour back to your cheeks, hasn't it?

Oh! Dear me!

You don't look after yourself, don't you?

-I don't half.

-You really do.

I've got you off to a T, Ern, I really have.

A tea urn! Did you hear it? Eh?! Get it down...

No need to write that down. You do it all the time!

"T, Ern, tea urn", it goes on for ever!

I'm tired anyway.

Good night.

Trouble with you, you've got a phobia.

That's your trouble. You've got a phobia,

and it's ridiculous. Because you can't play one.

-You've got this fear of growing old.

-I'm not afraid of growing old!

I'm not afraid!

I don't know which way to turn now.

I've got you, matey. I'm telling you, you can't help it.

It's a progression. Life is a progression.

And that has been proved by cleverer men than me.

-What has?

-Yes, and I'll tell you something else, now you've asked.

-You sat on me wine gums!

-No!

From the moment you're born,

a newborn babe is an apprenticed old-age pensioner.

-Have you finished, Professor?

-For the time being, yes.

Perhaps I can go to sleep now. Good night.

-I'll tell you something else.

-Oh, for crying out...

What are you playing at?! You're like a record!

-I want to help you. I want to help you, that's all.

-All right.

-I tell you something else about growing old.

-What?

-It's a fear.

-Fear?

-Yeah. And it's all caused

-from when you reach puberty.

-When I reach puberty?

Well, if you haven't reached now, you never will, I'm telling you.

And I'll tell you what.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

You take my Uncle Barney.

What's your Uncle Barney got to do with it?

Well, his father was the late, and great, Jethro Morecambe.

And he discovered...

The secret of long life.

You know how old Jethro Morecambe was when he died?

I know I'm a fool for asking.

But how old was he?

Who?

Jethro Morecambe!

147.

147 years old, Ern!

147?

And never had a day's illness in his life.

Well, what about the day that he died?

-Eh?

-What about the day that he died?

Yes, I admit he wasn't feeling too good that day.

-Would you like a wine gum?

-I don't want a wine gum.

My uncle Barney, he also discovered the secret of long life.

Quite by accident. In the Outer Hebrides.

This is like a world tour!

He should have gone to Torquay. But the driver put the wrong glasses on.

Now, then. He met an old crofter who told him, the secret of long life...

In the Gaelic!

All right, tell.

What is the secret of long life?

I'll tell you some other time.

You're not interested. I can see that.

No, I am interested. I want to know! I don't want to grow old, you see.

I want to know the secret of long life. Now, tell me. Tell me.

Do you know what? This old crofter told my Uncle Barney, in the Gaelic?

-What? I don't know.

-He told him the secret of long life.

Well, that's what I want to know. What is it?

-Have a wine gum.

-I don't want a wine gum!

All I want to know is what this old crofter told your Uncle Barney.

What is the secret of long life?!

Puffins.

Puffins?!

Puffins! Those little sea birds.

This old crofter told my Uncle Barney, in the Gaelic,

he said, a puffin a day keeps the doctor away.

And one or two other people as well, I'm told.

Well, I wouldn't fancy eating a puffin.

I can't say that I blame you.

They make you walk funny, for a start.

And Uncle Barney was an adventurous man. Ba-boom!

And he tried one.

And do you know how old my Uncle Barney was when he died?

-No. How old was he?

-Who?

-Your Uncle Barney!

-23.

-23?!

-He fell 300 feet off a cliff face, trying to catch a puffin.

APPLAUSE

# Anywhere, I will find you

# Don't care where, look behind you

# I'll be there, following you around

# Rain or shine, you won't chase me

# I don't mind where you take me

# Spend my time, following you around

# Oh, listen, don't you know

# Hiding from me does no good

# Wherever you may go

# I'll be in the neighbourhood

# If you fly, I will follow

# I don't care about tomorrow

# Long as I'm following you around

# If you run, I'll run faster

# Gone and set, like a piece of plaster

# Get my kicks, following you around

# Get my kicks, following you around

# Get my kicks, following you around. #

-All right!

-Ha-ha-ha-hey!

APPLAUSE