Episode 5 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. I'm feeling in great form tonight.

-A good thing, a good thing.

-I'm going to put in a terrific performance.

Look at him go, folks.

-There's no need for you to stay, you can go home.

-You reckon?

-Oh, yes.

# Tootsie, goodbye

# Oh, Tootsie, goodbye. #

-That's it, I'm going to let it all hang out.

-Why not, it'll get a big laugh!

-Just a moment, where are you going?

-I'm going to get a trampoline.

You can't eat a trampoline after doing all that.

-Put your coat back on.

-What for?

-Listen to this, settle down. Are you ready?

# Happy birthday to you

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

# Happy birthday to you

-# Happy birthday, dear Ernie

-(Thank you!)

# Happy birthday to you! #

Fabulous, that!

It's all too much for me.

I enjoyed that.

You remembered?

-Eh?

-You remembered!

-Remembered what?

-You remembered that today is my birthday.

-Congratulations.

Am I right in my judgment when I think of you as a man of honour and integrity?

-Absolutely right.

-It was a great day for me when I first met you.

You'd be a dead loss without me, I'll tell you!

It was an even greater day,

an even greater day when you had that big row with Snow White.

When she had you with your back up against that wishing well

singing Whistle While You Work, you'd had it.

Is that a birthday present for me?

I'm coming to that in a minute.

You could have been the top of any profession you had chosen with your education.

Any profession at all.

Three O levels and an A level, you know?

That's an Oooa. An Oooa he's got!

-You can get anything with those, can't you?

-Oh, anything.

I could have gone in my dad's business.

-Of course you could, and I'll tell you this, sunbeam.

-What?

-If you had done, that hot dog cart would have been yours now.

-Yes!

-And the mustard.

-And the mustard. Is that a birthday present for me?

I'm coming to that in a minute.

Ernie, can I tell the ladies and gentlemen of the studio audience

and your fan in Rotherham how old you are today?

-No.

-Thank you.

-Pardon?

-No, you can't tell them.

Famous and popular stars of television

don't go around telling everybody how old they are.

I'm not asking a famous or a popular star, I'm asking you!

My age is my business!

I am not going to tell you how old I am and that's that.

-Roll your trouser leg up.

-What for?

-Roll your trouser leg up.

-What are you going to do?

-Find out how old you are.

How can you do that?

-You count the wrinkles and multiply by two!

-I'm not a tree.

I've found out how old you are and I can tell the guests tonight

at your big surprise party in a big posh house.

-A big surprise party in a big posh house?

-Haven't you heard?

-No.

-Oh, I'm not going to tell you.

-For me?

-Yes, all the food and drink you can consume.

-All laid on?

It could develop into one of those later on!

We will never really know, it depends if you play your cards right.

A posh party just for me?

If you will let me tell the ladies and gentlemen of the audience

-and your fan in Rotherham how old you are.

-You're joking?

Not with this material, I'm not, no.

All right then.

You can tell the ladies and gentlemen in the audience

and my fan in Rotherham how old I am.

Ladies and gentlemen in the audience and your fan in Rotherham,

-Ernie today is 63.

-No, I'm not 63!

That's the address for the big posh party at the big posh house.

All the food and drink you can eat free.

That's my house, that's where I live.

I told you it was a surprise, didn't I?

-All the food and drink free?

-Yes.

-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

-Happy birthday.

-Is that my present?

-Oh, yes. It's what you wanted.

You dropped the card, you'll never make it now.

Shirley Temple's Greatest Hits.

They're all on there.

On The Good Ship Lollipop, Animal Crackers In My Soup,

and various others.

That's the best track on it, various others, do you know that?

-She's my favourite.

-Always was, always will be, same age.

# Animal crackers in my soup... #

He's gone now.

# Lions and tigers loop the loop... #

-He's gone.

-# We had such fun

# Animal crackers in my soup. #

# On the good ship Lollipop

# It's a nice trip, into bed you hop... #

Aagh!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Frankie Vaughan.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, kiddies. Welcome to The Sooty Show. Are you enjoying yourselves?

That's grand, really grand.

And now, let's say hello to the ever lovable Sooty.

-ERIC:

-Could I have a word, please?

-What?

-Do you want me to put this stupid costume on?

-You want me to put it on?

-Put it on now, they're already waiting.

There's a big slit up the back.

That's where I put my hand up.

-Good night.

-Come here!

-What are you trying to do?

-He won't be a moment.

That's not nice, you know.

He's a little tinker, Sooty is, but he's grand, really grand.

Here he is now.

APPLAUSE

You've got my collar. Let go of my collar, I can't breathe.

Hello, Sooty. Now, Sooty, don't get upset. He's lovely, Sooty is.

-Say hello to the boys and girls.

-Your thumb.

-What?

Can you move your thumb, please?

No, not that way. Just move.

-Do you know what you're doing?

-Of course I know what I'm doing.

-I've been taught properly, the man showed me how to do it.

-What man?

Ronnie Corbett.

-It's Harry Corbett.

-No, no, Ronnie Corbett, he does the glove puppet.

What are you talking about, you fool? Ronnie Corbett is a glove puppet!

And now then, kiddies, Sooty has a little surprise. Sooty, come here.

Sooty! Sooty! Don't keep running about like that.

He's very playful, isn't he?

Now then, Sooty, what is this little surprise that you've got?

-I can't hear what you're saying.

-Well, take your hand off my neck.

Oh, really, Sooty, that's grand, really grand. He's got a surprise for us.

Sooty has made a special Christmas cake. Is that right, Sooty?

Where is it, Sooty? Go and get it, Sooty.

Sooty!

There's a piece for everybody there, isn't there?

What a lovely Christmas cake!

But, Sooty, there's one thing missing, have you noticed?

There's no icing on that Christmas cake.

Oh, really? That's grand, Sooty.

Go and get the icing, Sooty. Go and get it.

Put the icing on...

There's no icing in there, Sooty.

Naughty little Sooty.

Sooty, go and get the icing for the cake. Back down you go.

He's grand, really GRA-AND!

I've had enough.

Goodbye, kiddies.

# How can I be sure

# In a world that's constantly changing?

# How can I be sure

# Where I stand with you?

# Whenever I

# Whenever I am away from you

# I want to die

# Cos you know I want to stay with you

# How do I know, baby, you're trying to use me?

# Flying too high, you confuse me

# Touch me but don't take me down

# Whenever I

# Whenever I am away from you

# My alibi is telling people

# I don't care for you

# Maybe I'm just hanging around

# With my head up upside down

# It's a pity

# I can't seem to find somebody who is as wonderful, baby, as you

# How can I be sure?

# I really, really wanna know

# Really, really wanna know

# Yeah

# How's the weather?

# Whether or not we're together

# Together we'll see it much better

# I love you, I love you for ever

# You know where I can be found

# How can I be sure

# In a world that's constantly changing?

# How can I be sure?

# I'll be sure with you. #

APPLAUSE

-What?

-What?

-I'll tell you what.

I won't tell you again. If you don't stop, you are going to be in trouble.

-I'll tell you that much.

-There's no problem...

Hold it, Brut. Hold it, hold it! That's enough. Get back, get back.

It's my dog, Brut.

-Brut?

-Yeah. He'll splash it all over you, if you're not careful.

I told you to leave him in the car!

I can't get him in the car!

-Well, how did he get here?

-He towed me.

-Well, get him off this stage. It's full of fleas.

-That's true.

-Get off this stage, it's full of fleas.

-Him, not the stage.

-I'm sorry. Have you seen him do his tricks?

-No, I haven't.

You watch him beg. Beg.

-Oh, that's good.

-Isn't that good? Die for the Queen.

Go on. This is good. Die for the Queen.

-Isn't that good? I tell you, he likes this as well.

-Does he?

LAUGHTER

-And I'll tell you something else.

-What?

-The fellow who's stood there likes it as well.

-Does he?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Off you go. Go on. Clear off. Tell them what the next programme is.

Oh, wonderful...

MUSIC PLAYS

-RADIO:

-And that was very nice indeed.

Now, the time? The time is coming up to 8:15 AM. I mean nine.

I'm sorry about that...

Anyway I can tell you it's Tuesday...

No, hold on a minute, it's Wednesday and it's...

LAUGHTER

..our guest for this part of the programme,

before Waggoner's Walk, Mr Max Bygraves.

BOTH AS MAX BYGRAVES: I want to tell you a story.

LAUGHTER

..a lady who lives in Chipping Sodbury.

Her name is Irene Fortescue. Good morning, Irene...

Well, we've played a verse of this well-known song

to a number of contestants and they didn't get it.

Do you think you know it?

Well, whatever the case, we wish you the very best of luck.

Here is the verse...

# Love, like they told me...

# I have found my only love

# I have you. #

-CONTESTANT:

-# On Ilkley Moor baht'at

# On Ilkley Moor baht'at... #

-I don't think so, do you?

-No.

# On Ilkley Moor baht'at. #

Get off.

Thank you very much, Irene Fortescue.

But I'm afraid you did sing the wrong song...

In the meantime, for a Miss F Richmond

and a Mr M Allison of Crystal Palace Road, The Stripper, by David Rose.

MUSIC: "The Stripper" by David Rose

THEY THROW BREAD IN TIME WITH MUSIC

THEY CONTINUE TO MOVE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to present to you

King Arthur And The Knights Of The Round Table.

FANFARE

Come, good Merlin. There is something here I would like you to see.

What think you of this?

-I beg your pardon.

-What think you of this?

Methinks it is a table, sire, a table of most unusual shape.

Dear Merlin, old friend and counsellor, I have chosen

a table of such a shape so that when I sit down to feast

with my brave knights, none shall be at the head, for all men are equal.

-That is because...

-Rubbish! That's rubbish, that.

Good Lord!

That is because Your Majesty is a kind...and wise ruler.

I am impatient to show this fine table to my most famous

and bravest of knights, Sir Eric of the Lake.

Where is Sir Eric?

I... Oh, yes, here he comes now, sir.

-Sir Eric. He will be with us in a moment.

-Hello, King. You working?

-You are here, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Hello, Merl.

You've got a dead horse in there. Do you know that?

Sir Eric, the bravest of all my knights.

Right, that's me finished, I'm off.

I don't want to know about that business.

That's the accepted thing.

You play your cards right, you're in there.

LAUGHTER

-That's what they do in the acting business.

-Hey?

-It's all accepted.

-What?!

A magnificent suit of armour.

-What is he talking about?

-You are supposed to be wearing armour.

I haven't got any flaming armour, have I?

I wouldn't be able to wear it anyway. It's too dangerous.

You can't cough.

And if those brass underpants are not riveted right,

those little rivets can stick up and it's murder. Murder!

And get that filled with ice cream. We'll have a party.

Your Majesty!

Are you on a bicycle? Or are you walking? Are you on one wheel?

Do I have to put up with this ridi...

Sounds like Charlie Chan!

-Calm yourself, good Merlin. Tis merely an idle jest.

-An idle jest?!

-Sir Eric...

-Yes, sir?

-Oh, what's wrong?

-Eric, yes, I would like you to look at this table.

-This table?

-What think you of?

-This one?

-Yes, sir.

Wood.

Wood, solid.

-Arthur Negul... What's his name?

-Arthur Negus.

I thought you would know him, yes.

Arthur Negus would do his nut about that! Second-century, rosewood.

-Whoever made that was a genius. A genius! Who made it?

-I did.

-Stinks.

Please, gentlemen, my queen approaches! Queen Guinevere.

Your Majesty.

Hellfire, it's the Doctor!

When I gaze upon your beauty, I think of the rose

and it pales by comparison.

My lord doth bring a blush to my cheek.

Keep going, Noddy!

HIGH-PITCHED: When I gaze...

Oh, he'll be singing his words, you know.

When I gaze upon Your Majesty's beauty,

it brings the first spring of youth to my tired old eyes.

We shall fight in the streets!

-Lord Merlin, dear friend...

-Just a minute, please.

That's his only perk in this show, that.

When I look into your eyes, I say to myself,

my horse has not had his oats.

-And, come to think of it, I...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Just a quick touch. Ah!

-Your Majesty, really!

-Don't disgrace yourself, my Queen. Bring on the repast.

-The repast!

REGAL MUSIC PLAYS

What you doing...? Oh, close!

Sit down, Peter, enjoy yourself.

You'll be on that train in a few minutes.

-Sir Eric! What would you like to eat?

-Suckling pig and chips.

-Suckling pig and chips?

-Yes.

-And dumpling!

-And dumpling.

-Dumplings.

-That was a reminder.

-Sir Eric...

-What a fine actor this boy is.

-No, it's a girl.

-Is it?

-Yes.

Could have fooled me from here!

-You must be glad to be back from your travels.

-Got a cold?

I must ask you, Sir Eric - tell me about your doings.

Well...

do I tell him or do I just get up and go?

What did His Majesty ask you?

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-He wants to know what I've been doing!

-What news of Carlisle?

-They won 3-1!

The second goal was a beauty, I'm told.

One of the finest ever scored on that ground!

-Mr Wise, I am sorry, but I just cannot continue.

-Oh, please, sir!

-I have my reputation as an actor to consider.

-King Arthur...

-What's all this business?

-No, stay in character, please.

Hey, do me a favour. Tell him we go all the way through a sketch,

we don't cut it up, you know, like you do in films.

Those little guitar picks and everything. I've seen that.

Don't go too close, he'll bite your neck.

-I'm very sorry.

-Tell him the cheque is not in the post yet.

-The cheque's not in the po... Never mind about that!

-Tell him!

I can't work with amateurs.

-Very sorry about this, Peter. Please forget the whole thing.

-Yes, yes, well, the only thing...

-Couldn't think of anything to say now!

-My career is in ruins anyway.

-Yes, I know.

-I'll just do business.

-Now, leave it to me, sire.

-Hurry up, get to the plot!

Now, listen, I have some very deadly poison placed in this ring.

-I will put it in this goblet, which is his drink, Sir Eric's drink.

-Yes.

He will be unconscious for two weeks.

Anything, so long as we can get rid of him.

Please divert his attention, Your Majesty.

-Sir Eric...

-Yes?!

-What?

-What thinks thou of my gown?

-Did you get it off The Golden Shot?

-Sir Eric, you come and sit down.

-Thank you.

-Am I forgiven for that outburst?

-Oh, yes.

-I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry about it, you're doing quite well for an amateur.

-May I suggest a toast?

-Certainly.

-I would like to propose a toast to His Majesty, King Arthur.

-Hallelujah!

ALL: Hallelujah!

-His Majesty...

-His Majesty...

-..King Arthur!

-..King Arthur!

-But...

-Eh?

-Eh?

-..I would like to make the first toast to my lady, Queen Guinevere.

ERIC AND ERNIE: Queen Guinevere.

A nicer woman never drew breath.

-Queen...

-Queen...

-..Guinevere.

-Queen Guinevere.

-But, but!

-I'd like to make some toast.

-Propose a toast.

-Yes.

-To, er, to that naked lady over there.

-Naked lady, where?

-Over there.

-I can't see a naked lady.

-Did you see one?

-No.

You've got to be quick. Just a quick flash every now and again.

-Her Majesty...

-I think I'm the only one who sees it!

-Her Majesty the Queen!

-The Queen.

-The Queen.

Aggggh, oh!

Got a deep voice, hasn't he?

-Excuse me, sire.

-Certainly.

Your Majesty, may I propose a toast to your bravest knights?

-To my bravest knights?

-Yes.

What are we... What are we drinking to?

-We're drinking to his bravest knights.

-Oh, good idea!

-Yes.

-Here we go.

-To the bravest knights!

-To the bravest knights!

-Must take me for a right mug.

-Yes, it's true.

-To my bravest knights.

Bravest knights.

Chablis, isn't it? Chablis?

Eh, agh, hoy, gah!

Well, that's two down and two to go.

You thought that I was going to be poisoned, didn't you, then?

You were... Agh! Huh-huh... Huh...

-Hyah, agh!

-Come, Watson...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Come, Watson...

-Ha-hey-hey!

Now! Come, Watson. That is the finest disguise you ever wore.

To Baker Street.

-Has he gone?

-Yes.

-Eh? Are the cameras still on us?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Come on, then.

-Where are you going?

-Take this back to the flat, it's beautiful.

-It is nice, isn't it? I'll take the silver.

-You always do!

APPLAUSE

-Peter!

-Yes?!

At last!

BOOM!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give

# To each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy

# Through the years

# Never bring me

# Any tears

# Let your arms be as warm

# As the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give

# To each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy

# Through the years

-# Never bring me

-Never bring me!

-# Any tears

-Oh, any tears!

# Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love! #

Get off!

APPLAUSE