Episode 6 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Good evening, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the show.

I was reading in the paper the other day that the amount of people

that have no knowledge of science, I couldn't believe it...

-What are you talking about?

-I'm talking to them about science.

Oh, that.

-You wouldn't like to talk to them about science, would you?

-Ah!

-What's the time?

-About half past seven.

-No.

-No, I wouldn't.

-No, it's not really your cup of tea, is it?

Oh, well I don't...tea anyway.

Well, first of all, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to speak to you about Einstein's theory of astrophysics.

This, of course, is a very, very fascinating subject and

very, very difficult for the ordinary man.

But as you know, we are...

-Hup, he...

-BAG RUSTLES

LAUGHTER

We are surrounded by a lot of commonplace things...

-Hup, hey, hu!

-BAG RUSTLES

..motorcars, aeroplanes and vacuum cleaners

and very few people seem to...

BAG RUSTLES

LAUGHTER

BAG RUSTLES

Very few people seem to understand about these things.

-I mean, take for instance the...

-Hup, hey, hi!

-Hup, ding!

-BAG RUSTLES

Take, for instance, the motorcar.

-HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

-This is driven by the internal combustion engine,

this is quite simple in its concept.

I mean anybody can understand that...

BAG RUSTLES

-HE MOUTHS:

-Thank you, thank you.

APPLAUSE

There's a Mr Morecambe and a Mr Wise to see you, sir.

Ah, yes, sounds a most interesting psychiatric case. Show them both in.

This way, please, gentlemen.

Sit down, gentlemen, please.

Now then, which of you is which?

-BOTH:

-I'm Eric Morecambe and this is Ernie Wise.

I'm sorry?

-BOTH:

-I'm Eric Morecambe and this is Ernie Wise.

One at a time, please.

-BOTH:

-Sorry.

Are you Mr Morecambe or are you Mr Wise?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

Do you always both speak at the same time and say the same things?

-BOTH:

-Pardon?

Do you always both speak at the same time and say the same things?

-BOTH:

-That's why we've come to see you, isn't it? Yes, it is.

How long have you been working together?

-BOTH:

-Ooh, I would say about...

THEY COUGH

-BOTH:

-Excuse me.

Ever since we were young lads.

-As long as that? BOTH:

-Yes.

Well, my first thought is that you've been working

so closely together for so long that it would appear that

you're both thinking and saying the same things.

-BOTH:

-That's about the size of it.

And we also know what other people are going to say.

-ALL:

-Really?

I've never come across anything so unusual in all my experience.

It is bad, isn't it?

Well, upon my soul, this really is most unusual.

How long has this been going on?

-BOTH:

-Ooh, I would say about six weeks, give a take a day or two.

-KNOCK ON DOOR ALL:

-Come in.

-ALL:

-I'm sorry to disturb you, but I thought I better remind you

that you have a luncheon appointment in ten minutes.

-ALL:

-Thank you, Miss Potter, I hadn't forgotten.

-ALL:

-May I go for lunch now, sir?

-ALL:

-By all means.

-ALL:

-Thank you.

Ow!

-ALL:

-I'm sorry about that, now where were we?

PHONE RINGS

-ALL:

-Excuse me.

Hello? Hello, my dear. Yes, yes.

I should be home about...

..7:30. I won't forget. Goodbye.

Sorry about the interruptions.

-BOTH:

-Don't worry, we don't mind.

-ALL:

-Now the only thing that I can suggest

is that you take these tablets

and don't see each other for a month.

-BOTH:

-I hope they work.

-ALL:

-I'm sure they will.

-BOTH:

-Good day and thank you.

-ALL:

-Not so fast.

That will be ten guineas, please.

-BOTH:

-He'll pay, I'm skint. Good afternoon.

APPLAUSE

CHURCH BELLS RING

APPLAUSE

TELEVISION: 'Thank you, friend. Wasn't that truly wonderful?

'That really was marvellous.

'Now, friends, it's make your mind up time.'

-I have.

-SWITCHES OFF

It's obvious who's going to win that.

Be that 98-year-old woman from Cheltenham.

Playing Sonny Boy on the watering can.

If it isn't her,

it'll be the Chelsea pensioner doing the splits over the live lobster.

Oh, where the hell he gets them, I really don't.

God, I'm hungry.

I wish Ern would hurry up back from the supermarket, I'm starving.

I bet he's met that fella there.

Fella that does the advert.

Trying to swap two big 'uns for Ern's little 'un.

Ern won't swap.

Good lad is Ern.

I don't know what I'd do without Ern.

Probably buy a hamster.

God, I'm hungry.

Rah!

Rah!

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Hello?

-Are you in there, Eric?

-I don't know, I'll have a look. Yes, I am.

-Open up and let me in.

-Oh, all right.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, these weigh a ton, these do.

-Did you get the groceries?

-Yeah, course I did. Well, give me a hand.

-You'd oughtn't to carry heavy stuff like that, you know that.

-Why?

You'll only displace it again.

-Don't just stand there, give me a hand.

-What took you so long?

-Oh, I met that fella again.

-Which fella?

Offered me two big ones for my little one.

-You didn't swap, did you?

-Oh, I should say not.

You should've done, we could've had a big 'un each then.

Was there any phone calls for me while I was out?

-Yeah.

-Who?

-Fella from Hollywood.

-Hollywood?

-Director or something, Alfred or something or other.

-Hitchcock?

He might have, I didn't ask.

He wants a thriller from me.

Some hopes there, I'll tell you.

Did you get the food? That's the most important thing.

I got plenty of food, just help yourself, enjoy.

-What's all this?

-Food.

-That's rubbish, that.

-What do you mean rubbish?

-You've been there again, haven't you?

-Where?

-The health food store.

-Yeah.

-That's the fourth time this week, I'm up to here in wheat germ!

-It's good for your health.

-If I go outside, I sway in the breeze.

-It'll do you good.

-One more starch reduced roll and I'll crack.

Listen, I believe in Mother Nature. Health foods are good for you.

They build you up, they make you big and strong.

Give me a hand with this table, will you?

Thank you very much, Eric.

There we are. Just take a gander at that, isn't it great?

-Rubbish.

-It's not rubbish.

-What's that?

-What?

-Sugarapsa.

-What?

-Sugarapsa.

-Sugarapsa?

Asparagus!

-Asparagus.

-Well, I can't eat that muck!

-It's not muck.

-I want some decent food inside of me.

-There's some decent food.

Honey, nature's miracle.

"Golden honey.

"Recalls the music of the waves beating against

-"the sun-drenched shores of the Caribbean."

-Yes!

"Bottled in Huddersfield."

-You're not having any honey, I'll tell you.

-Why not?

I had a friend of mine who was only 26 and was killed through honey.

-How can you be killed through honey?

-A crate fell on his head.

-Hello.

-What?

-Me poppy seeds have gone.

It's starting already, isn't it?

What's brought all this on all of a sudden? This health food?

Well, because I think we eat too much these days.

We only need 1,400 calories to keep fit

and I'm going to keep fit with health food and plenty of exercise.

-I'll go get your lead.

-Oh.

All you need.

-Was that it?

-Yeah.

-That'll do you good.

-The human body's like a factory, you know?

Yeah, you're on short time, aren't you?

-Is the delicatessen shop open?

-You don't want any of that stuff.

That's good stuff. It's mouthwatering stuff,

-some of the things they have hanging from the ceiling.

-No.

I'm never sure whether it's food

or somebody climbing in through the roof.

It's not for me, I'll tell ya. I had some snails from there.

Oh, I remember that. Took you six weeks to get to the bathroom.

-Good for you.

-I think I'll go out to Wimpy's.

-Wimpy's?

-Yeah.

-What for?

Plate of wimps.

Believe me, try these foods, you won't be disappointed, honestly.

If you'll just try them then I think you'll be surprised.

-Puffed wheat?

-Yeah, puffed wheat.

-What are you trying to do to me?

-What do you mean what am I trying to do to you?

-I want some real food.

When I was a kid, we used to have roast duck on a Sunday

if the park was open.

-You should be ashamed of yourself.

-All right then.

-What?

Now are you deadly serious about all this business?

-Never been more serious.

-Being fit and all that rubbish?

-Yeah.

All right then, take the weight off your lavender bags, sit down.

-If you're going to do it, you're going to do it properly.

-I am.

-No half measures.

-No.

-For real, the whole thing.

-Yeah.

Right, first of all,

join a nudist camp.

-I couldn't join a nudist camp.

-They'll let you in at reduced price.

I couldn't walk about with no clothes on.

You can keep your cap on. You might have to go shopping.

The nudist camp is out and that's final.

That shows you're only half interested in the whole thing.

-Where you going?

-Eh?

-Where you going?

I'm taking that stuff back to the health food shop

-and getting our money back.

-Getting our money back?

-Yes.

-We couldn't...

All right, I'll do that but if I can prove to you that health foods

are good for you, then we keep it and eat it, OK?

-Well, all right.

-Fair enough.

-Right, come on...

-What's that?

-Eh?

-What are these?

-I'll have those.

Get off.

"For the get up and go years

"when young adults drive their bodies hard,

"giving their upmost, urged on by a desire for success in business..."

and in large letters, "Pleasure."

-You're not having any of these, matey, these are dynamite.

-Dynamite?

And you've only got a short fuse. Come on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC

JAZZ MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

-Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

-Please, please.

When I tell you who our next guest star is,

you'll know why she's one of the most popular actresses

on television today. Here she is, that star of television,

your friend and mine, Miss Penelope Keith.

APPLAUSE

Penelope, I must say it's really great to have you on the show.

We're really thrilled, aren't we, Eric? It really is marvellous.

Thank you very much, Kermit.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

It's like being on the puppet show.

-Muppets.

-No, dear, puppet.

Penelope, I must say it is a unique honour and...

I'd rather you didn't kiss my hand, it's frightfully unhygienic.

Well, that's put the blocks on what I had in mind.

LAUGHTER

If you do the show, you would end up,

-if you do his play, you would end up on the series.

-Yes.

But I'm already in a series.

There you are, you've only been here two minutes

and you've got a series of your own.

-That's clever.

-Oh, can I introduce you to this?

-Oh, I know who he is.

-Yes?

-How are you, Derek?

Now about your play, Mr Wise.

Yes, yes, my play's a sad, romantic play actually.

It's about the beautiful Roxanne

and this great poet who's madly in love with her.

It's about a fella with a big hooter.

I see and that part's going to be played by Derek?

She keeps calling me Derek, the silly woman.

It'll be a great honour to work with you, Derek.

-And Penelope...

-She keeps calling me Derek.

-Yes.

It's a great pleasure and a great honour to be working with you.

Have you seen any of my plays on television?

I did once catch just a tiny glimpse of one of your plays

and I'm afraid I found it rather violent.

Violent? What do you mean? What are you saying?

Well, it was just a tiny glimpse, you see, and all I saw was this.

-He does that to me!

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, I see.

Then perhaps...had some meaning, Derek?

-She's hitting me and calling me Derek.

-I know!

You see, I couldn't understand what slapping Derek's face had to do

-with the play.

-No...

-My name is not Derek, my name is Eric.

Oh, I am sorry, Mr Moron, you see all I saw was this...

LAUGHTER

-Don't! Don't!

-No, no...

-You must be nice to the lady.

LAUGHTER

-Please, be nice and charming, she's a lady.

-Yes, I will.

-Now about my play, Penelope...

-Yes...

-..could we go ahead with it?

..I don't want to do it.

No, you see, I want to do what the other lady stars did

like Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson and Diana Rigg.

-But we're past that age, we can't do it.

-Besides my legs have gone.

-His legs have gone.

-No, no, I mean...

-Well, one of them has.

No, what I mean is I want to walk down a care...

a staircase, a very glamorous staircase.

-Ah! Well, that could be...

-No.

Think we've got a care-stase or a staircase here?

No, we haven't got a staircase.

We could get you a staircase later on but a care-stase is difficult.

-What do you think?

-Well, no, I think it can be arranged...

-I can't get down there, I suffer from vertigo.

-She suffers from vertigo?

-Does she?

-That's wind, isn't it?

-No...

-Heights.

-Oh, as well?

-I don't like heights.

-Well, you get down there and I'll...

-If I could...

-And I'll come down and she'll climb down.

-Yes.

-I'm sorry about this...

-I can't climb down there in this dress.

-My hand, my hand.

-Where is it?

-It's where it shouldn't be.

I can't get down there in this dress.

Well, do something with the dress, love.

-Well, it's been specially made.

-Yes, I realise.

If you just climb down here.

I really don't like heights at all.

-Don't worry.

-Can you get that leg...

-Yes.

-..down?

I'll hold on to anything that could...

LAUGHTER

-Dignity at all times.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Try a little... This one down.

LAUGHTER

-Fine. Oh, are we in now?

-I think so.

-Lovely. That's it.

Don't worry. There we are.

-I don't think...

-Yes?

-I don't think...

LAUGHTER

Right, keep smiling.

Now, let's go forward...

LAUGHTER

-I'm sorry, I've had enough.

-Had enough?

-Yes, I have. I'm going home.

Thank you very much.

-What did we do wrong?

-I don't know. Who's upset Penelope?

-I don't know.

-Something's upset her.

-She had to walk down the stairs...

-Dignity.

-Yes.

-Gentlemen.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

# Bring me sunshine in your smile

# Bring me laughter all the while

# In this world where we live, there should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give to each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy through the years

# Never bring me any tears

# Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. #

APPLAUSE

-It's Elton John, isn't it?

-Eh?

-Elton John.

I'm supposed to be doing The Morecombe & Wise Show.

-They're finished.

-It's over.

We're the cleaners, the whole thing's finished. They've gone.

They were very good.

No, I'm doing the show, I'm doing The Morecombe & Wise Show.

-You're too late, they've all gone, the whole show's over.

-Yeah.

The one with the glasses was marvellous.

I liked the little one.

-Yeah.

-They didn't do one joke about Des O'Connor.

-But they promised me I was going to be on the show.

-Oh, well...

-Oh.

You need to take it up with them.

-I was going to do a new song.

-Really?

They wouldn't do that to me, would they?

-Well, I don't know them that well.

-We just clean you see.

Well, I don't know what to say.

I might as well do it.

Do you want to hear a song?

I've been all over the place.

-Have you?

-In that suit?

MUSIC: "Shine On Through" by Elton John

# Oh, my love

# I have cursed the stars above

# That led my heart to you

# But as hard as I try

# Still my love will not die

# And the stars still shine on through

# And the stars still shine on through

# Oh, my dear

# Now this ship's too hard to steer

# The tide has turned

# Turned on you

# I have been through the lies

# That I've seen in your eyes

# But the truth, it still shines on through

# But the truth, it still shines on through

# So shine, shine on through

# The time we have to fill

# Though we took our love so daringly

# And gave it up uncaringly

# There are feelings left not even we can kill

# Oh

# Oh, my friend

# So at last we reach the end

# The lights go down on cue

# I have wasted my time

# But it tasted oh so fine

# That my love still shines on through

# That my love still shines, shines on through

# Still shines, shines on through. #

That was what I was going to sing on The Morecombe & Wise Show.

-It's a good job you didn't.

-LAUGHS

Well, come on, we better get back to work.

SNEEZES