Episode 7 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise


Episode 7

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you and good evening.

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Good evening and welcome to the show.

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-Yes.

-It's very nice to be back once again on television.

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Oh, yes. Yes.

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And we've got a cracking show for you tonight, haven't we? Eh?

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I mean, haven't we?

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-We hope so. Yes.

-Yes.

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We've got singers, dancers,

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acrobats and a special guest star who's going to sing...

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What's that ridiculous thing!?

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Yeah, What's That Ridiculous Thing Called Love.

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One of the finest songs ever written by Ian Carmichael.

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Ye.. Never mind about the song.

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What is that thing there?

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LAUGHTER

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-Where?

-There on there...

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Well, I never!

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I can believe that. Looking at you, I can believe that.

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Wh... You are wearing a wig.

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Shut up!

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-I'm not! It's not a wig.

-Oh, it's not a wig?

-No.

-Well, what is it then?

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It's a cover to keep the dust off me real hair.

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-It's not a wig!

-Boy, that was quick thinking, that was.

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-It was quick, wasn't it?

-Straight off the top, eh?

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-I must admit, it was quick.

-Well, let's have a look...

-Don't touch.

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-Go on.

-Don't touch that!

-You've got a nerve, you have,

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coming on here wearing a wig.

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After all the insults, jives and inane remarks you made to me

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about my real hair.

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-Real hair?

-Yes, real hair.

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Real... If that's real hai...

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Just excuse me, just one moment, please, folks.

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What?

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If that's real hair, how come when it's a bit windy,

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it moves up and down like badly fitted lino in a draughty kitchen?

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-How dare you, sir!

-Anyway, we've got one each now.

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Put them in a shoe box, put the lid on them, they might mate.

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-I have got a good head of hair.

-Yeah. Covered in hair, you are.

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When you hop into the bath, you look like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

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-You look a sight!

-Shut up!

-Take it off.

-I can't.

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-You can't?

-No.

-Why not?

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Ah, well. He might be looking in.

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-He?

-He.

-Who's he? Who's he?

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-WHISPERS:

-Well, he's the fellow that asked me

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if I would advertise his wigs on the BBC television.

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-YELLS: You can't advertise on the BB...

-I know, you fool. Shut up.

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You see, the camera's coming in closer.

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Good evening.

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Listen, nobody can advertise on the BBC.

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Even Lord Hill can't say what kind of pipe tobacco he smokes.

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And no wonder. It's mine.

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He's known along the powers of corridors.

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The corridors of power?

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The corridors of power. Don't forget, he walked backwards.

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-Yes, he does.

-That was quick. That was quick.

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The corridors of power.

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-That is quick fill Charlie.

-Oh!

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Boom.

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You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

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-Well, you can't win them... Anyway.

-What?

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You looked worried there cos you didn't think I was coming in.

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No, I didn't think you were. Go on.

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I thought that if we played our cards right, you could come in

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-on this deal...

-No, I've got no time for commercials.

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-My schedules are very tight.

-I thought you'd gone a funny colour.

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-However...

-I'm not interested.

-However, there's money in it.

-Money?

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-I've got him.

-Money?

-I've got him now.

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-Did you say money?

-Money. Look at him shaking. Yes.

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-You see the point is...

-Yes.

-The point is...

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What happens is... Be careful.

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You've got to be careful. The suit rubs off as well.

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What happens is if you do a commer...

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-A commercial...

-yes.

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Let's say for argument sake of...

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-..of pickled onions.

-Yes.

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You see, you get paid for the repeats.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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Eh! I get them in when I can, don't I?

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MORECAMBE LAUGHS

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-Pardon?

-That's all you'd have to say. Pardon.

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I've been asked to do a commercial.

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I know you've been asked to do a commercial.

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-It arrived this morning, but I haven't read it yet.

-Oh!

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-This is the commercial they want you to...

-Sh, sh, sh.

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-Well, let's have a look at it.

-Be careful.

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-Right here go.

-It's an awful weight.

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I don't know how you manage with yours.

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Now, listen to this.

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"The action takes place in the garden

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"of a beautiful house in the country..."

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That's me. That is me. Be honest.

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"Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl..."

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-That would be you.

-Ye...

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-No!

-You wear a long one.

-I'm not in this. This is just for you, isn't it?

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-Hm.

-"Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl.

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-"She beckons to you..."

-She'd do that?

-Yes.

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"And you bound across the lawn to this beautiful girl..."

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-Like lightning.

-Yes.

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"On the word 'action'..."

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That's the word I am waiting for.

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-"You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'."

-Yes.

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What?

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"You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'

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"and then you wag your tail

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"and you eat as much of the dog meat as you possibly can."

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That's your signature. I recognise that signature!

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-You're a rotten devil!

-Go on! Woof, woof. Wag your tail!

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-Shut up! Shut up!

-What's the matter with you? Come on, dog.

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MUSIC: Side By Side

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# Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money

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# Maybe, we're ragged and funny

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# But we'll travel along

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# Singing a song

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# Side by side

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# Don't know what's coming tomorrow

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# Maybe it's trouble and sorrow

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# But we'll travel the road

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# Sharing our load

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# Side by side

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# Through all kinds of weather

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# What if the sky should fall?

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# Just so long as we're together

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# It doesn't matter at all

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# When they've all had their quarrels and parted

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# We'll be the same as we started

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# Just travelling along

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# Singing our song

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# Side by side

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# Through all kinds of weather

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# What if the sky should fall?

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# Just as long as we're together

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# It doesn't matter at all

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# When they've all had their quarrels and parted

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# We'll be the same as we started

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# Just travelling along

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# Singing our song

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# Side by side. #

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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let's all take a trip down memory lane with songs from yesteryear,

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but first of all, I'd like to amaze you all with some slight of hand.

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-Good Lord! Well, that was clever.

-Oh, I bet it was!

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-I was halfway through a kiss with Sonja our wardrobe lady.

-Naughty.

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-You mustn't do that.

-I just heard it on the news now

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-that myth has been smashed.

-What myth?

-Eh?

-What myth?

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-On the news, I've just heard it.

-What?

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No such thing as a Loch Ness monster.

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Of course, there's no such thing as a Loch Ness monster.

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Said it on the news just now. Said,

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"Julian Pettifer here, Panorama, BBC Loch Ness."

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And as he said that

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-a great big head came up and bit his leg off.

-Oh, did it.

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Pity that, cos I love animals.

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AUDIENCE LAUGH

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-Is that what you came on to tell me?

-Yeah.

-Good, good.

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Well, look, we're going to take a trip down memory lane

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-with songs...

-Seen my dog?

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-You've got a dog?

-Yeah.

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-What sort is it?

-Siberian puddle maker.

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-Have you seen him?

-No.

-I'll go get him for you.

-No, don't bother.

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-Oh, it's all right.

-I don't want to see him.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, now I'd like to take...

-Come on! Let's have him.

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Come on! Let's have him.

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-That's not a dog!

-Come on!

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-Crikey! Don't bring him on here.

-Oh, boy!

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Slipped his lead.

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-Slipped his lead?

-He's come out of his collar.

-His collar?

-Yep.

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-What do you call him?

-Brutus.

-Brutus?

-Brutus, yeah.

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Well, he must be enormous.

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Knocked six lamp posts over last night.

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-Killed somebody.

-Bit the wife this morning.

-Yeah?

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-Up like a balloon.

-Poor woman.

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-No, no, the dog. She's all right.

-Oh, she's all right.

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Yeah, the dog. You want to see him? I'll get him for you.

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No, don't. Not if he slipped his...

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Come on here. Hey! Oh, look at that.

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-He's run off.

-Run off? Thank goodness, he's run off.

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I'll soon get him back. Right at my trousers legs we shout, "Din-din."

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-HE YELLS What?

-He's coming back.

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-No, don't bring him back. No, I don't want to see him.

-You'll love him.

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-Come here. Come here.

-Look, I'm not interested.

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What we were going to do was take a stroll down memory lane.

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You...

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Huh?

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Well, you certainly fooled me. We were doing all that pulling backwards

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and forwards and I saw this big lead and everything.

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I expected this sort of big... Grr, grr come bounding on.

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Really and then I see this little thing here that you got.

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I did! I thought...

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HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY

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What? You...

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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You worry me at times, do you know that?

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I've got a wet hand now.

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HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY

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MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Richard Wagner

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SONG CONTINUES

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MUSIC: Barwick Green by Arthur Wood

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MUSIC: By Edward Elgars

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SONG CONTINUES

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MUSIC: Ride of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner

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MUSIC: Colonel Bogey March by Lieutenant FJ Ricketts

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-Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tom Jones!

-Hey!

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APPLAUSE

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Hang about, Tom Jones is coming on in a minute. I'll introduce you.

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-Tom, delighted.

-Thrilled!

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Thank you very much, Mr Wise. Thank you, Mr Morecambe.

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-Mr?

-Mr?

-What's all this Mr?

-You don't have to call us Mr, Tom.

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-I'm Ern.

-And I'm My Lord.

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LAUGHTER

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-There's nothing formal about us, Tom.

-Oh, no, no.

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Well, no, it's just the last time that we met,

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I called you Mr Wise and you Mr Morecambe.

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I don't remember this. When was that?

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When I asked you for your autographs. I was only 10 at the time.

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Get him off. He's done enough. Get him off.

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Now, ladies and gentlemen, some juggling...

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No, wait a minute. Let's be fair.

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-We did start at a very early age.

-That is true. That is true.

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-He wasn't to know, was he?

-Oh, no.

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-He's still only 31 is Ernest.

-Yes.

-31?

-Yes.

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31?

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LAUGHTER

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-And a few months!

-Yeah, about 900 months.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, I love anything subtle.

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-Tom...

-Yes?

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..I'm absolutely delighted to be able to have this little chat with you

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because, well, you and I, we have the same kind of style.

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-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

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It's no exaggeration to say

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that had Ernie Wise played his cards right as a younger man,

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he could have become another Engelbert.

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-Humperdinck?

-Not now, he doesn't. No, his legs have given way.

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LAUGHTER

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Sad, really.

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It gets us all eventually.

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LAUGHTER

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-Well, look, I didn't know Ernie was a pop singer.

-Trendsetter.

0:13:350:13:39

-Trendsetter.

-In his day.

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-First one with the spats, weren't you?

-Yes.

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-I was the first one with the records and the moves.

-Oh, yes.

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-Hey, have you got the time?

-Yeah, sure.

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-Do that one for him.

-What, the...?

-The one that you made.

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-My last hit record?

-Yes, you know the one. The cylinder one.

-The cylinder one.

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# Oh, old Father Timms

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# Keep rolling along Yeah, yeah, yeah

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# Down to the miley sea Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

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APPLAUSE

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What? What?

0:14:070:14:09

Told you he was good, didn't I?

0:14:120:14:13

Oh, now, then...

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Be honest. What do you think?

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Well, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,

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I never would have believed it.

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They all say that, you know.

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Some of the greatest stars of all time

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have been on bended knees for some of those movements, haven't they?

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-Yes, yes.

-Sandy Shaw? Do you remember him?

0:14:290:14:31

"Can you hear me mother?"

0:14:310:14:33

Fabulous.

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Well, why don't you still do it, then, Ern?

0:14:350:14:37

Well, Tom, it's a personal matter. I don't like to talk about it.

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-Oh, OK.

-Tell him, Eric. Tell him.

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It's the hairy legs.

0:14:430:14:46

-What's hairy legs got to do with it?

-It's the friction, you see.

0:14:460:14:48

While he's doing the movements with the hairy legs and the friction,

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the audience panic when they see the blue smoke coming out the top of his jeans.

0:14:540:14:58

-I see.

-But I've still got a magnetic personality.

0:14:580:15:01

-Oh, good Lord, yes.

-He'd go down well in Las Vegas, I bet.

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-I've been.

-Oh?

-Been to Vegas.

0:15:040:15:07

First one to go!

0:15:080:15:10

-Opened the way for everybody, this boy did.

-Yes.

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-Did they like him there?

-Loved him there.

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There's nobody like him before or since, with all due respect.

0:15:150:15:18

-Thank you.

-Well, what happened?

-He was doing extremely well.

0:15:180:15:21

-Suddenly, the club was raided.

-Police?

0:15:210:15:24

Apache Indian.

0:15:240:15:25

LAUGHTER

0:15:250:15:27

-With a tomahawk. Yes, caught him right there, didn't it?

-Yes.

0:15:270:15:30

That's where the expression, "You can't see the join" came from.

0:15:300:15:33

Oh, that's where it came from?

0:15:330:15:34

-I'm still with it, Tom, you know.

-Oh, he's still with it, yes.

0:15:340:15:37

He'll never lose it. He's tried, but he can't.

0:15:370:15:39

What are you going to do for us tonight, Tom?

0:15:390:15:41

-Exactly Like You.

-Ah.

-Ah, great. One of my favourites.

0:15:410:15:44

-But if I could just have a word with you if you don't mind.

-Not at all.

0:15:440:15:47

The reason I'll say this is I've been watching you lately.

0:15:470:15:49

-The singing - oh, fabulous.

-Fabulous.

-Thank you.

0:15:490:15:52

-But you're not moving about enough.

-Oh, really?

0:15:520:15:54

You're not moving about enough. There's too many board meetings. That's your trouble, you know.

0:15:540:15:58

You're not really getting in there and doing it all.

0:15:580:16:00

-You show him.

-It's like that. You've got to get a bit more.

0:16:000:16:03

-Do you have a microphone?

-I'll get him a microphone.

0:16:030:16:05

He's a lovely mover, you see.

0:16:050:16:07

LAUGHTER

0:16:080:16:11

There we are. Now, get in. That's it. Behind that.

0:16:110:16:13

-Work with your eyes.

-Work with your eyes.

0:16:130:16:15

Don't worry about that BBC up there. It's 'Before Bill Cotton', that is.

0:16:150:16:19

You're all right.

0:16:190:16:20

APPLAUSE

0:16:200:16:22

-Is there something wrong, Tom?

-I generally use a hand mic.

0:16:220:16:27

-Oh, the old-fashioned one?

-Yeah.

-I'll go get it. Stay with him.

0:16:270:16:29

-He's a lovely mover, isn't he?

-Isn't he?

-For his age.

0:16:290:16:32

-This is the type, is it?

-That's the one.

0:16:320:16:34

-Oh, yes. Lovely. Right.

-OK.

0:16:340:16:36

We're glad to have you with us cos we're going to do the backing.

0:16:360:16:39

We're going to be behind you and project your personality.

0:16:390:16:41

Great. We look forward to it.

0:16:410:16:43

-What did you say your name was?

-Tom.

-Oh, we'll have to change that.

-Yeah.

-Music! Music!

0:16:430:16:47

MUSIC: Exactly Like You

0:16:470:16:52

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:16:550:16:57

-# I know why I waited

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:16:570:17:00

-# Know why I've been blue

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:000:17:02

-# Waiting each night for someone

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:020:17:05

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:050:17:07

-# Why should we spend money

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:070:17:10

-# On a show or two

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:100:17:13

-# No-one plays those love songs

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:130:17:16

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:160:17:18

# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand

0:17:180:17:22

# I want to hand the world to you

0:17:220:17:24

# You seem to understand

0:17:240:17:27

# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming

0:17:270:17:29

# Scheme that I'm scheming

0:17:290:17:30

# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming

0:17:300:17:33

# Now I know why Mother

0:17:330:17:35

# Taught me to be true

0:17:350:17:38

# She meant me for someone

0:17:380:17:41

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:410:17:43

# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand

0:17:430:17:47

# I want to hand the world to you

0:17:470:17:50

# You seem to understand

0:17:500:17:52

# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming

0:17:520:17:54

# Scheme that I'm scheming

0:17:540:17:56

# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming

0:17:560:17:58

-# Now I know why Mother

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:17:580:18:01

-# Taught me to be true

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:18:010:18:03

# She meant me for someone

0:18:030:18:06

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah

0:18:060:18:10

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:18:100:18:13

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:18:130:18:15

# Exactly like you

0:18:150:18:19

# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

0:18:190:18:20

APPLAUSE

0:18:200:18:25

WOMAN: Beauty is in the hands.

0:18:340:18:36

These are beautiful hands, cared-for hands,

0:18:360:18:41

thanks to Velvetta, the mildest of mild soap.

0:18:410:18:45

Let Velvetta make your hands as lovely as these.

0:18:450:18:48

It's hands like these that get you noticed.

0:18:490:18:53

MAN: You're telling me.

0:18:530:18:55

That's the last time I'll use Velvetta!

0:18:550:18:57

LAUGHTER

0:18:570:18:59

APPLAUSE

0:18:590:19:02

Now, to put my theory to the test.

0:19:180:19:20

HE SNIFFS

0:19:210:19:23

Be brave, Dr Jekyll.

0:19:260:19:28

Who knows aught of honour who only knows aught of honour

0:19:280:19:32

who only knows aught of...honour.

0:19:320:19:34

Cheers!

0:19:350:19:36

EERIE MUSIC

0:19:400:19:46

HE GROANS

0:19:460:19:51

LAUGHTER

0:20:000:20:03

HE GROWLS

0:20:070:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:12

Now, there's a novelty.

0:20:120:20:13

LAUGHTER

0:20:170:20:19

It's worked! It's worked!

0:20:190:20:22

Who's a pretty boy, then?

0:20:270:20:29

My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy

0:20:300:20:33

and there's badness in the balls of my feet.

0:20:330:20:36

Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentleman,

0:20:380:20:40

on an unbridled lust tour.

0:20:400:20:42

I shall probably end up in a Wimpy bar.

0:20:450:20:47

There must be plenty of haunts in London where I can hide.

0:20:490:20:52

HE GASPS

0:20:520:20:54

Where I can hide!

0:20:540:20:55

That's what I shall call myself - Mr Where I Can.

0:20:570:21:00

APPLAUSE

0:21:050:21:08

Henry?

0:21:080:21:10

-Henry, where are you?

-Ooh!

0:21:110:21:13

Henry, where are you? Sorry.

0:21:140:21:17

Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.

0:21:180:21:21

Ah.

0:21:230:21:24

I wonder...

0:21:240:21:26

GRUFFLY: ..where Henry is.

0:21:260:21:28

MUSIC: The Stripper by David Rose & His Orchestra

0:21:280:21:33

APPLAUSE

0:21:390:21:41

HE PLAYS JAMES BOND THEME TUNE

0:22:030:22:06

# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea

0:22:220:22:25

# We got mangoes and bananas You can pick right off a tree

0:22:250:22:29

# We got volley ball and Ping-Pong and a lot of dandy games

0:22:290:22:32

# What ain't we got? We ain't got dames

0:22:320:22:36

# We get packages from home We get movies, we get shows

0:22:420:22:45

# We get speeches from our skipper and advice from Tokyo Rose

0:22:450:22:49

# We get letters doused in perfume We get dizzy from the smell

0:22:490:22:52

# What don't we get? You know darn well!

0:22:520:22:55

# We got nothing to put on a clean white suit for

0:22:580:23:03

# We got nothing to look masculine and cute for

0:23:030:23:08

# There is nothing like a dame

0:23:080:23:12

# Nothing in the world

0:23:120:23:15

# There is nothing you can name

0:23:150:23:18

# That is anything like a dame

0:23:180:23:23

# There are no books like a dame

0:23:230:23:25

# Ah-ah

0:23:250:23:28

# Nothing looks like a dame

0:23:280:23:30

# Ah-ah!

0:23:300:23:33

# There are no drinks like a dame

0:23:330:23:35

# Ah-ah

0:23:350:23:37

# And nothing thinks like a dame

0:23:380:23:41

# Ah-ah

0:23:410:23:43

# And nothing acts like a dame

0:23:430:23:46

# Ah-ah

0:23:460:23:47

# Or attracts like a dame

0:23:470:23:50

# Ah-ah

0:23:500:23:51

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

0:23:510:23:54

# That can't be cured by putting him near

0:23:540:23:57

# A girly womanly female feminine dame!

0:23:570:24:04

# We feel lonely and we long for the fair and gentle sex

0:24:040:24:07

# We would like to feel the feeling of some arms around our necks

0:24:070:24:11

# We feel hungry as the wolf on finding dead Red Riding Hood

0:24:110:24:14

# What don't we feel? We don't feel good!

0:24:140:24:18

# Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother!

0:24:190:24:24

# There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever

0:24:260:24:31

# In any way shape or form like any other

0:24:310:24:34

# Other! #

0:24:340:24:36

Who said that?!

0:24:360:24:38

Beck!

0:24:380:24:39

THEY WHISTLE

0:24:390:24:42

# There is nothing like a dame

0:25:540:25:57

# Nothing in the world

0:25:570:26:00

# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a dame

0:26:000:26:07

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

0:26:080:26:11

# That can't be cured by putting him near

0:26:110:26:15

# A girly womanly female feminine dame!

0:26:150:26:22

# There is absolutely nothing like the thrill

0:26:270:26:34

# Of a dame

0:26:340:26:44

# Dame! #

0:26:460:26:47

Well, we've nearly come to the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen,

0:26:500:26:53

and what are you going to do?

0:26:530:26:54

It's about time you did something, isn't it?

0:26:540:26:56

-We'll sing a sing together, shall we?

-Finish on a sentimental note?

0:26:560:26:59

-Why not?

-Let's do a song and dance.

0:26:590:27:00

-Of course. Everybody else does it, don't they?

-Sure!

0:27:000:27:03

# Two of a kind For your information

0:27:100:27:13

# We're two of a kind

0:27:130:27:15

# Two of a kind It's my observation

0:27:170:27:21

# We're two of a kind

0:27:210:27:23

# Just like peas in a pod

0:27:230:27:27

# Birds of a feather

0:27:270:27:28

# Alone or together you'll find

0:27:280:27:31

That we are two of a kind

0:27:310:27:36

# What's so wrong thnking life is a song

0:28:090:28:13

# And reaching for a star

0:28:130:28:15

# Who's to say if we go the whole way

0:28:170:28:20

# At least we've got this far

0:28:200:28:23

# Two of a sort

0:28:240:28:26

# Like two pomegranates from off the same tree

0:28:260:28:29

# Bad-a-la, bad-a-la

0:28:290:28:32

# I'm with you, sport, whatever you plan it goes double with me. #

0:28:320:28:37

Get out of that!

0:28:370:28:38

# I've had terrible thoughts

0:28:380:28:40

# Most frightfully upsetting

0:28:400:28:42

# And yet we are getting resigned

0:28:420:28:45

# To being two of a kind! #

0:28:450:28:51

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