Episode 7 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you and good evening.

Good evening and welcome to the show.

-Yes.

-It's very nice to be back once again on television.

Oh, yes. Yes.

And we've got a cracking show for you tonight, haven't we? Eh?

I mean, haven't we?

-We hope so. Yes.

-Yes.

We've got singers, dancers,

acrobats and a special guest star who's going to sing...

What's that ridiculous thing!?

Yeah, What's That Ridiculous Thing Called Love.

One of the finest songs ever written by Ian Carmichael.

Ye.. Never mind about the song.

What is that thing there?

LAUGHTER

-Where?

-There on there...

Well, I never!

I can believe that. Looking at you, I can believe that.

Wh... You are wearing a wig.

Shut up!

-I'm not! It's not a wig.

-Oh, it's not a wig?

-No.

-Well, what is it then?

It's a cover to keep the dust off me real hair.

-It's not a wig!

-Boy, that was quick thinking, that was.

-It was quick, wasn't it?

-Straight off the top, eh?

-I must admit, it was quick.

-Well, let's have a look...

-Don't touch.

-Go on.

-Don't touch that!

-You've got a nerve, you have,

coming on here wearing a wig.

After all the insults, jives and inane remarks you made to me

about my real hair.

-Real hair?

-Yes, real hair.

Real... If that's real hai...

Just excuse me, just one moment, please, folks.

What?

If that's real hair, how come when it's a bit windy,

it moves up and down like badly fitted lino in a draughty kitchen?

-How dare you, sir!

-Anyway, we've got one each now.

Put them in a shoe box, put the lid on them, they might mate.

-I have got a good head of hair.

-Yeah. Covered in hair, you are.

When you hop into the bath, you look like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

-You look a sight!

-Shut up!

-Take it off.

-I can't.

-You can't?

-No.

-Why not?

Ah, well. He might be looking in.

-He?

-He.

-Who's he? Who's he?

-WHISPERS:

-Well, he's the fellow that asked me

if I would advertise his wigs on the BBC television.

-YELLS: You can't advertise on the BB...

-I know, you fool. Shut up.

You see, the camera's coming in closer.

Good evening.

Listen, nobody can advertise on the BBC.

Even Lord Hill can't say what kind of pipe tobacco he smokes.

And no wonder. It's mine.

He's known along the powers of corridors.

The corridors of power?

The corridors of power. Don't forget, he walked backwards.

-Yes, he does.

-That was quick. That was quick.

The corridors of power.

-That is quick fill Charlie.

-Oh!

Boom.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

-Well, you can't win them... Anyway.

-What?

You looked worried there cos you didn't think I was coming in.

No, I didn't think you were. Go on.

I thought that if we played our cards right, you could come in

-on this deal...

-No, I've got no time for commercials.

-My schedules are very tight.

-I thought you'd gone a funny colour.

-However...

-I'm not interested.

-However, there's money in it.

-Money?

-I've got him.

-Money?

-I've got him now.

-Did you say money?

-Money. Look at him shaking. Yes.

-You see the point is...

-Yes.

-The point is...

What happens is... Be careful.

You've got to be careful. The suit rubs off as well.

What happens is if you do a commer...

-A commercial...

-yes.

Let's say for argument sake of...

-..of pickled onions.

-Yes.

You see, you get paid for the repeats.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Eh! I get them in when I can, don't I?

MORECAMBE LAUGHS

-Pardon?

-That's all you'd have to say. Pardon.

I've been asked to do a commercial.

I know you've been asked to do a commercial.

-It arrived this morning, but I haven't read it yet.

-Oh!

-This is the commercial they want you to...

-Sh, sh, sh.

-Well, let's have a look at it.

-Be careful.

-Right here go.

-It's an awful weight.

I don't know how you manage with yours.

Now, listen to this.

"The action takes place in the garden

"of a beautiful house in the country..."

That's me. That is me. Be honest.

"Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl..."

-That would be you.

-Ye...

-No!

-You wear a long one.

-I'm not in this. This is just for you, isn't it?

-Hm.

-"Sitting on the grass is a gorgeous, young girl.

-"She beckons to you..."

-She'd do that?

-Yes.

"And you bound across the lawn to this beautiful girl..."

-Like lightning.

-Yes.

"On the word 'action'..."

That's the word I am waiting for.

-"You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'."

-Yes.

What?

"You kneel down by the bowl and go, 'woof, woof'

"and then you wag your tail

"and you eat as much of the dog meat as you possibly can."

That's your signature. I recognise that signature!

-You're a rotten devil!

-Go on! Woof, woof. Wag your tail!

-Shut up! Shut up!

-What's the matter with you? Come on, dog.

MUSIC: Side By Side

# Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money

# Maybe, we're ragged and funny

# But we'll travel along

# Singing a song

# Side by side

# Don't know what's coming tomorrow

# Maybe it's trouble and sorrow

# But we'll travel the road

# Sharing our load

# Side by side

# Through all kinds of weather

# What if the sky should fall?

# Just so long as we're together

# It doesn't matter at all

# When they've all had their quarrels and parted

# We'll be the same as we started

# Just travelling along

# Singing our song

# Side by side

# Through all kinds of weather

# What if the sky should fall?

# Just as long as we're together

# It doesn't matter at all

# When they've all had their quarrels and parted

# We'll be the same as we started

# Just travelling along

# Singing our song

# Side by side. #

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

let's all take a trip down memory lane with songs from yesteryear,

but first of all, I'd like to amaze you all with some slight of hand.

-Good Lord! Well, that was clever.

-Oh, I bet it was!

-I was halfway through a kiss with Sonja our wardrobe lady.

-Naughty.

-You mustn't do that.

-I just heard it on the news now

-that myth has been smashed.

-What myth?

-Eh?

-What myth?

-On the news, I've just heard it.

-What?

No such thing as a Loch Ness monster.

Of course, there's no such thing as a Loch Ness monster.

Said it on the news just now. Said,

"Julian Pettifer here, Panorama, BBC Loch Ness."

And as he said that

-a great big head came up and bit his leg off.

-Oh, did it.

Pity that, cos I love animals.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

-Is that what you came on to tell me?

-Yeah.

-Good, good.

Well, look, we're going to take a trip down memory lane

-with songs...

-Seen my dog?

-You've got a dog?

-Yeah.

-What sort is it?

-Siberian puddle maker.

-Have you seen him?

-No.

-I'll go get him for you.

-No, don't bother.

-Oh, it's all right.

-I don't want to see him.

-Ladies and gentlemen, now I'd like to take...

-Come on! Let's have him.

Come on! Let's have him.

-That's not a dog!

-Come on!

-Crikey! Don't bring him on here.

-Oh, boy!

Slipped his lead.

-Slipped his lead?

-He's come out of his collar.

-His collar?

-Yep.

-What do you call him?

-Brutus.

-Brutus?

-Brutus, yeah.

Well, he must be enormous.

Knocked six lamp posts over last night.

-Killed somebody.

-Bit the wife this morning.

-Yeah?

-Up like a balloon.

-Poor woman.

-No, no, the dog. She's all right.

-Oh, she's all right.

Yeah, the dog. You want to see him? I'll get him for you.

No, don't. Not if he slipped his...

Come on here. Hey! Oh, look at that.

-He's run off.

-Run off? Thank goodness, he's run off.

I'll soon get him back. Right at my trousers legs we shout, "Din-din."

-HE YELLS What?

-He's coming back.

-No, don't bring him back. No, I don't want to see him.

-You'll love him.

-Come here. Come here.

-Look, I'm not interested.

What we were going to do was take a stroll down memory lane.

You...

Huh?

Well, you certainly fooled me. We were doing all that pulling backwards

and forwards and I saw this big lead and everything.

I expected this sort of big... Grr, grr come bounding on.

Really and then I see this little thing here that you got.

I did! I thought...

HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY

What? You...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You worry me at times, do you know that?

I've got a wet hand now.

HE MOUTHS WORDLESSLY

MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Richard Wagner

SONG CONTINUES

MUSIC: Barwick Green by Arthur Wood

MUSIC: By Edward Elgars

SONG CONTINUES

MUSIC: Ride of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner

MUSIC: Colonel Bogey March by Lieutenant FJ Ricketts

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tom Jones!

-Hey!

APPLAUSE

Hang about, Tom Jones is coming on in a minute. I'll introduce you.

-Tom, delighted.

-Thrilled!

Thank you very much, Mr Wise. Thank you, Mr Morecambe.

-Mr?

-Mr?

-What's all this Mr?

-You don't have to call us Mr, Tom.

-I'm Ern.

-And I'm My Lord.

LAUGHTER

-There's nothing formal about us, Tom.

-Oh, no, no.

Well, no, it's just the last time that we met,

I called you Mr Wise and you Mr Morecambe.

I don't remember this. When was that?

When I asked you for your autographs. I was only 10 at the time.

Get him off. He's done enough. Get him off.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, some juggling...

No, wait a minute. Let's be fair.

-We did start at a very early age.

-That is true. That is true.

-He wasn't to know, was he?

-Oh, no.

-He's still only 31 is Ernest.

-Yes.

-31?

-Yes.

31?

LAUGHTER

-And a few months!

-Yeah, about 900 months.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I love anything subtle.

-Tom...

-Yes?

..I'm absolutely delighted to be able to have this little chat with you

because, well, you and I, we have the same kind of style.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

It's no exaggeration to say

that had Ernie Wise played his cards right as a younger man,

he could have become another Engelbert.

-Humperdinck?

-Not now, he doesn't. No, his legs have given way.

LAUGHTER

Sad, really.

It gets us all eventually.

LAUGHTER

-Well, look, I didn't know Ernie was a pop singer.

-Trendsetter.

-Trendsetter.

-In his day.

-First one with the spats, weren't you?

-Yes.

-I was the first one with the records and the moves.

-Oh, yes.

-Hey, have you got the time?

-Yeah, sure.

-Do that one for him.

-What, the...?

-The one that you made.

-My last hit record?

-Yes, you know the one. The cylinder one.

-The cylinder one.

# Oh, old Father Timms

# Keep rolling along Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Down to the miley sea Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

APPLAUSE

What? What?

Told you he was good, didn't I?

Oh, now, then...

Be honest. What do you think?

Well, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,

I never would have believed it.

They all say that, you know.

Some of the greatest stars of all time

have been on bended knees for some of those movements, haven't they?

-Yes, yes.

-Sandy Shaw? Do you remember him?

"Can you hear me mother?"

Fabulous.

Well, why don't you still do it, then, Ern?

Well, Tom, it's a personal matter. I don't like to talk about it.

-Oh, OK.

-Tell him, Eric. Tell him.

It's the hairy legs.

-What's hairy legs got to do with it?

-It's the friction, you see.

While he's doing the movements with the hairy legs and the friction,

the audience panic when they see the blue smoke coming out the top of his jeans.

-I see.

-But I've still got a magnetic personality.

-Oh, good Lord, yes.

-He'd go down well in Las Vegas, I bet.

-I've been.

-Oh?

-Been to Vegas.

First one to go!

-Opened the way for everybody, this boy did.

-Yes.

-Did they like him there?

-Loved him there.

There's nobody like him before or since, with all due respect.

-Thank you.

-Well, what happened?

-He was doing extremely well.

-Suddenly, the club was raided.

-Police?

Apache Indian.

LAUGHTER

-With a tomahawk. Yes, caught him right there, didn't it?

-Yes.

That's where the expression, "You can't see the join" came from.

Oh, that's where it came from?

-I'm still with it, Tom, you know.

-Oh, he's still with it, yes.

He'll never lose it. He's tried, but he can't.

What are you going to do for us tonight, Tom?

-Exactly Like You.

-Ah.

-Ah, great. One of my favourites.

-But if I could just have a word with you if you don't mind.

-Not at all.

The reason I'll say this is I've been watching you lately.

-The singing - oh, fabulous.

-Fabulous.

-Thank you.

-But you're not moving about enough.

-Oh, really?

You're not moving about enough. There's too many board meetings. That's your trouble, you know.

You're not really getting in there and doing it all.

-You show him.

-It's like that. You've got to get a bit more.

-Do you have a microphone?

-I'll get him a microphone.

He's a lovely mover, you see.

LAUGHTER

There we are. Now, get in. That's it. Behind that.

-Work with your eyes.

-Work with your eyes.

Don't worry about that BBC up there. It's 'Before Bill Cotton', that is.

You're all right.

APPLAUSE

-Is there something wrong, Tom?

-I generally use a hand mic.

-Oh, the old-fashioned one?

-Yeah.

-I'll go get it. Stay with him.

-He's a lovely mover, isn't he?

-Isn't he?

-For his age.

-This is the type, is it?

-That's the one.

-Oh, yes. Lovely. Right.

-OK.

We're glad to have you with us cos we're going to do the backing.

We're going to be behind you and project your personality.

Great. We look forward to it.

-What did you say your name was?

-Tom.

-Oh, we'll have to change that.

-Yeah.

-Music! Music!

MUSIC: Exactly Like You

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# I know why I waited

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Know why I've been blue

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Waiting each night for someone

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Why should we spend money

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# On a show or two

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# No-one plays those love songs

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand

# I want to hand the world to you

# You seem to understand

# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming

# Scheme that I'm scheming

# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming

# Now I know why Mother

# Taught me to be true

# She meant me for someone

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Exactly like you You make me feel so grand

# I want to hand the world to you

# You seem to understand

# Each foolish little dream that I'm dreaming

# Scheme that I'm scheming

# Dream that I'm dreaming Scheme that I'm scheming

-# Now I know why Mother

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Taught me to be true

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# She meant me for someone

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Exactly like you

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Exactly like you

# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

APPLAUSE

WOMAN: Beauty is in the hands.

These are beautiful hands, cared-for hands,

thanks to Velvetta, the mildest of mild soap.

Let Velvetta make your hands as lovely as these.

It's hands like these that get you noticed.

MAN: You're telling me.

That's the last time I'll use Velvetta!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, to put my theory to the test.

HE SNIFFS

Be brave, Dr Jekyll.

Who knows aught of honour who only knows aught of honour

who only knows aught of...honour.

Cheers!

EERIE MUSIC

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

HE GROWLS

LAUGHTER

Now, there's a novelty.

LAUGHTER

It's worked! It's worked!

Who's a pretty boy, then?

My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy

and there's badness in the balls of my feet.

Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentleman,

on an unbridled lust tour.

I shall probably end up in a Wimpy bar.

There must be plenty of haunts in London where I can hide.

HE GASPS

Where I can hide!

That's what I shall call myself - Mr Where I Can.

APPLAUSE

Henry?

-Henry, where are you?

-Ooh!

Henry, where are you? Sorry.

Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.

Ah.

I wonder...

GRUFFLY: ..where Henry is.

MUSIC: The Stripper by David Rose & His Orchestra

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS JAMES BOND THEME TUNE

# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea

# We got mangoes and bananas You can pick right off a tree

# We got volley ball and Ping-Pong and a lot of dandy games

# What ain't we got? We ain't got dames

# We get packages from home We get movies, we get shows

# We get speeches from our skipper and advice from Tokyo Rose

# We get letters doused in perfume We get dizzy from the smell

# What don't we get? You know darn well!

# We got nothing to put on a clean white suit for

# We got nothing to look masculine and cute for

# There is nothing like a dame

# Nothing in the world

# There is nothing you can name

# That is anything like a dame

# There are no books like a dame

# Ah-ah

# Nothing looks like a dame

# Ah-ah!

# There are no drinks like a dame

# Ah-ah

# And nothing thinks like a dame

# Ah-ah

# And nothing acts like a dame

# Ah-ah

# Or attracts like a dame

# Ah-ah

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

# That can't be cured by putting him near

# A girly womanly female feminine dame!

# We feel lonely and we long for the fair and gentle sex

# We would like to feel the feeling of some arms around our necks

# We feel hungry as the wolf on finding dead Red Riding Hood

# What don't we feel? We don't feel good!

# Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother!

# There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever

# In any way shape or form like any other

# Other! #

Who said that?!

Beck!

THEY WHISTLE

# There is nothing like a dame

# Nothing in the world

# There is nothing you can name That is anything like a dame

# There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here

# That can't be cured by putting him near

# A girly womanly female feminine dame!

# There is absolutely nothing like the thrill

# Of a dame

# Dame! #

Well, we've nearly come to the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen,

and what are you going to do?

It's about time you did something, isn't it?

-We'll sing a sing together, shall we?

-Finish on a sentimental note?

-Why not?

-Let's do a song and dance.

-Of course. Everybody else does it, don't they?

-Sure!

# Two of a kind For your information

# We're two of a kind

# Two of a kind It's my observation

# We're two of a kind

# Just like peas in a pod

# Birds of a feather

# Alone or together you'll find

That we are two of a kind

# What's so wrong thnking life is a song

# And reaching for a star

# Who's to say if we go the whole way

# At least we've got this far

# Two of a sort

# Like two pomegranates from off the same tree

# Bad-a-la, bad-a-la

# I'm with you, sport, whatever you plan it goes double with me. #

Get out of that!

# I've had terrible thoughts

# Most frightfully upsetting

# And yet we are getting resigned

# To being two of a kind! #