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APPLAUSE | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
Good evening. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:22 | |
-Shakespeare? -Eh? -Shakespeare? -I've no idea who he is, Ern, | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
it was handed to me as I came on. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
-To be or not to be! -What are you doing? | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
I was doing it then when you interrupted. I was doing it then. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
-Doing what? -Eh? -Doing what? | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
It should be the other way round. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
It's these tights, there's nothing I can do about that. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
To be or not to... | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Why all the serious stuff? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Ah, well, you see, the point is that if you and I play our cards right | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
and we do this serious stuff, we've got it made. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
Let's face it, it's very difficult, you know. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
It's very difficult to come on here and do new jokes every week. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
-You don't have to tell me, I'm a writer. -You play your cards right... | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
-You play your cards right... -Yes. -I'll make it easy on you. -How? -How? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
-How, yes. -Well, you take, er, Olivier and Gielgud. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:20 | |
Who? | 0:01:20 | 0:01:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
They're actors. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Oh, are they? Mm. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
They do this stuff, this rubbish, week in and week out in the theatres, | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
-and the theatres are packed! -Are they really? -Yes! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
And you mean if we could get away with that sort of rubbish | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
-we wouldn't have to bother about writing new jokes. -Exactly. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
And they'd charge £3 per seat. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
-£3 per seat! -And they don't get any laughs. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Even though they come on dressed like that? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Yes. You play it my way, we've got it made. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
-You've got something there. -I'm sorry about that. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
You've got to face facts, Ern. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Once you get past 40 it becomes very difficult. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
Oh, I'm dreading it. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
There is just one point here. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
I mean, will our fans go for us doing this sort of thing? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
I don't see why not. They're a nice couple. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
-It's worth a try. -Of course it is. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
When you consider we get very little respect doing what we do. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
-Or accolades! -That's true. -We don't get any accolades! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
That's not an accolade. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:31 | |
No, it isn't. There's very few comedians who've got knighthoods. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Only Sir Lew and after that you're struggling! | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
-I hope you know what you're doing. -Leave everything to me. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
Play it straight, that's the answer. Tell you what, introduce me. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
-I'll introduce you. -Yes, and I'll go up the back and walk down. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
-I see, make a big entrance. -Drama... -Drama. -..and effect, you see. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
-You won't laugh as I go out? -No, I won't. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to introduce... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Are you doing it now? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Yes, I'm doing it now. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
-I can't hear you, see? -Oh, well... -I can't hear you! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
-Yeah, well, what should I do then? -Oh, yes. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
If I'm introducing you, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
you'll want some sort of a cue so that you can walk down. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
-Thank you. -I'll give you a visual cue. What should I do? | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
-Take your wig off! -Right... No! | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
No, you better not, it'll get laughs, I can't top that. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
-No. I'll jump up in the air, all right? -Oh, all right. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
introduce to you Eric Morecambe doing Shakespeare's Hamlet. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:32 | |
Are you going to jump up? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
He wants it all! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
To be... | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
..or not to be. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
That is the question. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
Thank you. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
See what I mean? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
-Wait a minute, just a moment. -I've got to get changed now for King Lear. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
Just a moment... | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
-What about the rest of it? -Rest of it? -Yeah, the rest of it! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:04 | |
What do you mean the rest, I've done it! | 0:04:04 | 0:04:05 | |
He knows nothing about Shakespeare! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
But that speech goes on for about ten minutes! | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
-Oh? -You said, "Let's do the serious stuff," didn't you? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
-So we won't have to do the jokes. -(Yes.) | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-Well, what are we going to do now? -We'll go back to the old stuff. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
What do you think of it so far? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:22 | |
"Rubbish!" | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Never fails. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
-ARTHUR PLAYS HARMONICA Not now, Arthur, not now. -Not now. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
-Slowly. -Slowly. -Take it nice and easy. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
-Think of the money, Arthur, think of the money. -Bit of dignity, Arthur. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
-Dignity at all times. -Smile, smile, Arthur. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
"Dear Morecambe and Wise, I like you both very much. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
"Would you please send me a photograph of yourselves? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
"Enclosed, a stamped addressed envelope." | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Of course. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
# Do-do-do-do, do-do do-do-do, do-do-do-de | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
# Do-de-do-do, do-do do-de-do, do-do-do-do | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
# Do-do-do-do do-de, do-do-do | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
# Do-de-do-do-doo-oo... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
# I'm singin' in the rain | 0:05:22 | 0:05:27 | |
# Just singin' in the rain | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
# What a glorious feeling | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
# I'm happy again | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
# I'm laughing at clouds | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
# So dark up above | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
# The sun's in my heart | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
# And I'm ready for love | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
# Let the stormy clouds chase | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
# Everyone from the place | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
# Come on with the rain | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
# I've a smile on my face | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
# I walk down the lane | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
# With a happy refrain | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
# I'm singin' just singin' in the rain... # | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
# I'm dancin' in the rain | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
# Ya-da-da, da-da-da-da | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
# Ya-da-da, ba-da-de-da | 0:06:25 | 0:06:30 | |
# I'm happy again | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
# I walk down the lane | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
# With a happy refrain | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain... # | 0:06:39 | 0:06:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
I'm wet through! Have you seen what you've done to me? I'm wet through! | 0:07:02 | 0:07:07 | |
-# I'm singin' and dancin'... # -You! -# ..in the rain... # | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
I'm wet through, Ern, that's not nice! I'm wet through, folks! | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
# Just singin' and dancin' in the rain. # | 0:07:13 | 0:07:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a great pleasure, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
I would like to introduce to you now | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Dame Flora and me, and Ann Hamilton and Alan Curtis in | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Queen Elizabeth I Of England Part One, thank you. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Her Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:52 | |
TROMBONE PARPS FANFARE | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Arise, Lady Frobisher. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
We have important business to attend to. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
I wish to see my ministers. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
I beg your pardon, Your Highness, I really do. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
I'll never get this in... | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
-Your Majesty... -Yes! | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
Sir Walter Raleigh seeks an audience. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Yes, he can have this lot. They haven't been too good up to now. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
I take my leave, my liege! | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
Sir Walter Raleigh. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:45 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Sir Walter, my most loyal and trusted friend. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Your Majesty is most kind. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:08:58 | 0:08:59 | |
Please, please, | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
you don't have to kneel. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
I'm not kneeling, Your Majesty! You're mistaken. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Sir Walter... | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
I need your counsel. Much is happening abroad that I do not like. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
Your Majesty, there is an ominous wind blowing from the continent. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:24 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
PARPING CONTINUES | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
-That's enough ominous wind! -Thank you. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
The powers of Spain | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
and France hover over my kingdom like two hungry vultures | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
eager for the kill, and I cannot rest | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
until these foreign predators have been put firmly in their place. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
That such brave words should come from so fair a queen. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
But in times of stress... | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
ERIC CACKLES | 0:09:59 | 0:10:00 | |
I am still... | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
I am still a mere woman who needs the comfort and help | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
that only a man can give. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
Cheeky. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
Your Majesty is too kind. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
Please arise, Sir Walter. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
I am risen, Your Majesty, I'm standing on me feet! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
Your Majesty, | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
-Mr William Shakespeare of Stratford! -Ah. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
Evening all! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
Avon calling! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
Your Majesty! | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
He is but a common poet pedlar! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Mr Shakespeare... | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
-It is indeed good to see you. -Thank you. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
-Where's your beard? -Swallowed it. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
But don't worry. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
Your Majesty grows more beautiful every day. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
-Get off my cloak! -Oh! -Urgh! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
Your Majesty, I must protest! The pen is his weapon! | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
He doesn't even know how to fire a crossbow! | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
May I defend myself against those remarks, Your Majesty? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
By all means. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
Hold me trombone. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:21 | |
-We've worked together before. -Yes. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
-Ivy Benson's All Girls Band. -That's it! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
-The one on the end. -Shepherd's Ball. -Yeah. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
-D'you remember? -Yeah, Ginger we used to call her. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Are you ready? Fire! | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Mr Shakespeare has scored 86 on the conventional chart. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
With a bonus... | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
With a bonus of 40 for hitting her right in the first place. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Your Majesty, we are on the verge of a catastrophic war! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
This is no place for a third-class writer of rubbish! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
-Ern, it's quite good up to now. -Not my play, your poetry! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
My dear Sir Walter, I must insist that you control yourself. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
May I defend myself once again by reading you a poem, Your Majesty? | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
-Of course. -Thank you. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:17 | |
-Have you got the scrolls? -I didn't think you'd notice. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
May I, Your Majesty, take the weight off me sonnets? | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
Your Majesty, this is no time for poetry. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
-Sir Walter, there is always time for the written word. -That's true, love. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:42 | |
Please, Mr Shakespeare. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
-I'm very sorry, Your Majesty. -It's too late now, Ern. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
-Don't worry about it. -Get off me cloak! | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
Just hold the end there, love, will you? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
-I've written this for you. -Ah. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
When I consider everything that grows... | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
How beautiful. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
A tree, a flower, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
the corns on your toes... | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Corns on your toes?! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
How dare you say such things in front of high up people?! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
-At least I've paid to get in. -What do you mean paid to get in?! | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Just because you're Raleigh and invented the bike, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
-you think you know everything! -That's nothing to do with it! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:26 | |
Please arise, Sir Walter. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
What does she think I am, a midget or something?! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
She's staring at me all the time! | 0:13:33 | 0:13:34 | |
Why not? Your face looks like a slashed cinema seat. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
It would appear that I was misguided in thinking that | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
you would be of help to me in these difficult times. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
-Sorry, Your Majesty. -Pray thee, I am very sorry. -Arise, Sir Walter. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
I am risen! Why does she keep going on and on about that for? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Let us try and deal with the more immediate problem of Spain, | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
-and in particular, the evil Philip. -Yes! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Your Majesty, I have a little poser. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Well, you can't fight nature, Ern. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:04 | 0:14:05 | |
Now that's enough, shut up! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
Your Majesty, I have a proclamation. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Try putting your head between your knees, it never fails. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
A most urgent message delivered this day by hand. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:18 | |
A most urgent message. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
Ah-ha! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:21 | |
That's a funny message. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
Ah-ha, that's what it says, ah-ha! | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
I knew something like this would happen. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
What does this letter contain that makes you look so distraught? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
It is from Philip of Spain. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
Could I have the stamp? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
He is indeed a strange man. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
He hasn't put one on, the cheapskate! | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
Would you please read it? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
This letter contains a proposal of marriage! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
-ERIC SCREAMS -Proposal of marriage! Never! -Never! -Never! -Never! | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
There won't be a marriage between you and the King of Spain! | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
We can't have that Spaniard riding around the courtyard | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
with his onions dangling over his handlebars! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
-It's not right, Your Majesty! -It will never take place! | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
There will be no marriage while I've got the strength to draw my sword! | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
It's Old Man River, get off as quick as you can. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
# Old man river... # | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
The people of England will never take this marriage. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
-They will say it is impossible. -The King of Spain, he is without. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:19 | |
Then it is impossible, we're saved. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
-Ah-ha! -Look out. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
-Your Majesty. -Looks like a glass of stout. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
-I am indeed proud and honoured. -Silence, Elizabeth! | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
I have no time for this stupid English politeness. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
I simply demand an answer to my proposal of marriage, | 0:15:37 | 0:15:41 | |
otherwise I will order my Armada to open fire upon you. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:46 | |
Now, what do you say to that? | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
Give Lionel Blair that suit back. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
And come in quick like you said you would. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
You ignorant pig, you! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
This means one thing and one thing only! War! | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
PHILIP LAUGHS | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
-He's a fine actor, that girl. -Oh, wonderful. -Fine actor, she is. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
What are you going to do about King Philip of Spain? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Ah, King Philip of Spain, let the Spanish fleet take to the sea, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
-I don't care! -But you need men. Have you got the chaps? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
Yes, it's the knicker on this inside. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
-Sonia's Revenge, we call it. -Yes, and why not? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
I have decided that if it would prevent war, this marriage, | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
much as I dislike it, will take place. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Your Majesty, I am deeply moved... | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
..that your love of this land | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
and its people should make you make such a sacrifice. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
ERIC SNORES | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
-That goes double for me, Your Majesty. -Yes. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
-I find such devotion most touching. -What'd she say? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
I can't hear her down here. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
Arise, gentlemen, arise. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
-A rise? Somebody's going to get a rise! -I'd love a rise! | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
When one can count on such loyalty, one can... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
Sir Walter, I thought I told you to rise. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
-She never stops, does she? -Well, why not? -Something personal. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
You're two fellas in the skin? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
When one can count on such loyalty, no sacrifice is too great. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
The Spaniards are attacking us, | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
-we are under fire from the Armada! -BANGING | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Excuse me, it's the ship's biscuits. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
-Gentlemen, you know what you have to do. -Yes. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
You're very kind, thank you very much indeed. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
Your Majesty, they are attacking from the north! | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
-No, that's not possible. -Yes, they are, they're coming down the M1! | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
In a big red bus with Benfica written all over it. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
-They must be repulsed! -You go, Ernie! | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
-You're more repulsive than anybody else. -Right! | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
-I can't get me sword, never mind. Ha-ha-ha! -What a fine actor. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
-You back there, you swine! -Oh, Your Majesty, I'm afraid! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
-This is no place for a young girl. -That's true, I'm off. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
-LADY FROBISHER: -The King of Spain! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
Well, Elizabeth, what is your answer? | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Do you agree to my proposal of marriage | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
or do you wish for further bloodshed? | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
You can have your marriage. You are indeed a strange man. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
Excellent! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Believe you me, you won't regret it. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
-Darling! -LAUGHTER | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
Your Majesty, please! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
-I told you he was a strange man. -Two, three, four! | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
# Old man river...! # | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
# He don't say nothing | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
# He just keeps running | 0:18:41 | 0:18:42 | |
-# He keeps on running. # -Take it! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
TROMBONE PARPS | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Good evening. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
is the final contest between the boys and the girls | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
to see whether the three boys or the three girls | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
win the all expenses paid holiday in Mallorca. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
Now, have you all got your fingers ready? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Good. Now, press your buttons. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Everything's in perfect working order. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
Fingers off the buttons, that's fine. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
Now, you know what's going to happen. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
If you get the answer to the question, | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
you press your button and your name lights up. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
Right, we'll start with question number one. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
A small island off the north-west coast of Britain | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
has a three-legged symbol. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:25 | |
What is the name of this island? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
Three legged symbol, what is the name of this island? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Yes, Norman? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
The Isle of Man. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Quite correct, Norman, very good. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Next question. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
Who wrote this very descriptive piece of music? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
Fingers on those buttons now and listen carefully. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
-Yes, Simon? -Gustav Holst. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
Quite correct, Simon, very, very... | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
Very good, Simon. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
-I'm sorry to be a nuisance, sir. -Next question... | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
The giant redwood tree is found in which American state? | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
INDISTINCT | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
The giant redwood tree, now come on, let's have the answer now. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
-Er, yes, Betty? -California. -Quite correct, Betty. Very good. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
You're falling behind, get your finger on that button. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
My finger is on the button, it's red raw with pressing the flaming button! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
The thing won't go on, will it? I've known all the answers up to now. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
All of their names light up. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
-All you have to do is press the button. -I am pressing! Look at that. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
-Well, is your light not working? -Of course not. Either that or my finger's fused. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
-I've been pressing it, look! -Well, press the button now. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
-I'm pressing it now, you see?! -There you are. Look. Look! | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
-I'm sorry, sir. -It's all right. -Terribly sorry. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
-The next question is on association football. -Great, great. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
Name the player who has represented England more times | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
than any other player in the history of international football. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
-HE WINCES -Come on, now. Let's have an answer to this. You should know this. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
Time's running out. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Hang on a minute, just a minute. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
-You've got just three seconds. -LAUGHTER | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
You've got three seconds, now come on. Time's up. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
-I know, I know it. It's, it's gone again. -The answer's Bobby Charlton. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
-I knew that, I knew it was him! -You should've pressed your button! -I was pressing! | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
My flaming light doesn't work. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
Can we continue? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:31 | |
Shut up. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
Can we continue? | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
Listen to this question very carefully. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
-Two famous men... -Laurel and Hardy. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:40 | |
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
-Laurel and Hardy. -I stand no chance, do I? | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
-Give me a proper button, that's all I ask. -Shut up! -LAUGHTER | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
Steady now. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
-Now we come to the do or die. -I'm not bothered. -You... | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
-Remember, the prize is a holiday in Majorca. -Ah... | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
If you give the correct answer, you get double points. Wrong answer, you're out of the contest. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:05 | |
Now listen. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:06 | |
Fingers on the buttons now. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Who wrote Gone With The Wind? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
Well, Eric? | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
Yes, thank you. LAUGHTER | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Come on, the answer! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
Answer to what? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:25 | |
-Who wrote Gone With The Wind? -How the hell do I know who wrote Gone With The Wind? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:30 | |
-Well, your light's on. -Pardon? -Your light's on, your name's lit up. Look! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
I haven't been pressing, sir. Er... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
-You've got three seconds... -Gone with the what? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
-The wind! -Yes, who wrote it? -Yes. Come on, you're stalling for time. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
-Laurel and Hardy. -No, they didn't! -Well, they should've done. -No, no. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
-Yes, Jean? -Margaret Mitchell? -Quite correct, Jean. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
-You are out of the contest. -I'm not. -Yes, you are. -I'm not! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
You're out and the girls win the contest | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
-and the holiday in Majorca. -Good. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
What do mean good? You're not even in it, the girls have won. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
That's all you know... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
-Let me shake your hand. -No! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
My name is Flora Robson. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
I worked with Morecambe and Wise, and look what happened to me. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
-Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome for Miss Cilla Black. -Two, three, four. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:21 | 0:23:22 | |
Fabulous. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
-The wonderful Cilla. -APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-Lovely to see you. -Oh, you too. -Tell me, Cilla... | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
-Tell me, Cilla, what's this surprise you've got? -Surprise? -The surprise, yes. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
-Well, do you know that song you recorded? -Yes. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
-# Bring me Sunshine... # -Oh, yes, yes. -Yes. -Oh, I like that. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
-Look. -A summons. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
What is that strange piece of parchment? | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
-This is a recording contract. -A recording contract? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
-You see, the recording company I'm with... -Yes? -..heard you sing and wants to sign you up. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:57 | |
-That's absolutely wonderful! -Great! -So... | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
-LAUGHTER -Ern. -Yes? | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
-If you could just sign there. -I most certainly will. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
-I'm thrilled about this, Cilla. I really am so. -Ah, I'm very happy for you, Ernie. -Thank you. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:09 | |
-Eric did say I had a lot of talent, you know. -I think you'll be sensational. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
-Really? -If I could just sign my name... -I'm absolutely overjoyed. -I know you'll do very well. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:17 | |
You know what I'm going to do? I'll make a lot of money out of this, I'll just do number one records. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
-Good idea. -The recording company thought you were incredible. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
I'd like to sign my name... there, if I could. LAUGHTER | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
-No, I knew you could sing. -Yes. -But I didn't realise you were that good. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
I'll write by initials on. My initials. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
Eric said I have a lot of talent. I can do impressions as well... | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
-I was on the flaming record with him! I was on that record with him. -Eric... | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
-Look at me when I'm talking to you, I was on that record. -Eric... | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
-Do you want to say something? -I've said it now, haven't I? I was on that flaming record with him. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
-Say it. -Eric, Eric, they don't want you. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
LAUGHTER Eh? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Well, they only want Ernie, they don't want you. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
I mean, they just don't want you. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:59 | 0:25:00 | |
AUDIENCE: Ah! | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
Oh. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:07 | |
Well, you did say I had a lot of talent, Eric. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
I see. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
Ah. Ah, well, look, Eric, I'll tell... | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:15 | 0:25:16 | |
-I'll tell... -Don't interfere with me, young sir. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
For another pound, we could've had Lulu. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
And she brings her own teeth. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:30 | 0:25:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
What are we going to do with him? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:37 | |
You've upset him now, Cilla. He's very nasty when he's roused. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
-You'll have to ingratiate yourself. -ERIC GRUNTS | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
-Well, I tell you... -LAUGHTER | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
-Eric. -What? | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
I tell you what, if you sing Bring Me Sunshine on your own, well... | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
I can't. I can't sing when I'm upset, you know that. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
And besides, there's no band. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
-An artist whose any good can sing without accompaniment. -Straighten your wig and go home, you! | 0:25:57 | 0:26:01 | |
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
Oh, come on, Eric. Just for me. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
And if you're any good, you can sign as well. There you are. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
-CILLA WHISPERS -You can sign as well. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
All right, I will. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
ERIC CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:26:13 | 0:26:14 | |
SINGS WEAKLY Bring me sun... | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
OUT OF KEY Bring, bring me sun... | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
ERNIE STIFLES LAUGHTER | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
Bring me sunshine... LAUGHTER | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
ERIC SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
CILLA SQUEALS AND LAUGHS | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Bring... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
ERIC HUMS | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Bring, bring, got it now, | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
bring me sunshine, I'm away now. In your smile! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
Sorry, I think he's going to need help. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
-Oh, I think you're right, Ernie. -Yes, I know I'm right. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
BAND STARTS | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
# Bring me sunshine | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
# In your smile | 0:27:02 | 0:27:03 | |
# Bring me laughter | 0:27:05 | 0:27:06 | |
# All the while | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
# In this world where we live | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
# There should be more happiness | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
# So much joy we can give | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
# Two each brand new bright tomorrow | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
# Make me happy | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
# Through the years | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
# Never bring me | 0:27:26 | 0:27:27 | |
# Any tears | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
# Let your arms be as warm As the sun from up above | 0:27:31 | 0:27:36 | |
# Bring me fun bring me Sunshine bring me love | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
# Bring me sunshine | 0:27:43 | 0:27:44 | |
# In your smile | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
# Bring me laughter | 0:27:48 | 0:27:49 | |
# All the while | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
-# In this world... -STIFLES LAUGHTER | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
# There should be more happiness | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
# So much joy you can give | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
# To each brand new Bright tomorrow. # | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
He's started. He's going now. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
-Da-da! -APPLAUSE | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
-Ha! -Don't look. It's a terrifying sight. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
CILLA LAUGHS | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
I hope you've got your elastic stockings on. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
# Bring me sunshine | 0:28:19 | 0:28:20 | |
# Bring me love sweet love. # | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
Yeah! Bring me fun! | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
# Bring me sunshine... | 0:28:24 | 0:28:25 | |
# Bring me love. # | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
Be honest, come on, let's have it! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
WHISTLING | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 |