Episode 9 The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE

What's that thing you've got there?

-That is a scrapbook of our careers from the very beginning.

-Oh!

-All the nice things that people have said about us?

-All in here.

What about the nasty things that people have said about us?

On two lorries outside.

What sort of things have they said, nasty things they've said about us?

-Hurtful.

-Hurtful?

-Oh, yeah. You listen.

-"The years seem to have taken their toll of Eric Morecambe."

-Yes.

"Last night, he struggled hard to please

"but his performance was a disaster!"

-Who said that?

-The wife, only last night she said that.

-Let's have a look at that book, that scrapbook.

-Remember him?

-The Great Strombo!

-Fire eater.

-Yes, the greatest fire eater I've ever seen.

-Oh, yeah.

-He was always trying something different.

-Sad.

-Yeah, terrible way to go.

-I'd never have put the wick there.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-It was all over in a flash, wasn't it?

-Oh, yes.

-Wife took him home on a shovel.

-Oh, shocking.

-Oh, and look at that.

-Rusty!

-Rusty the Wonder Horse.

-Rusty the Wonder Horse.

-Oh, yes.

-He was clever.

Oh, yes, you used to say to him, "Rusty, what's six and six?"

And he used to bang his hoof on the floor 12 times.

-Never did get it right, did he?

-No.

LAUGHTER

-We've worked with some wonderful animal acts.

-I still am.

LAUGHTER

-Here's one.

-What?

-The Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies.

-Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies.

-Eh?

-I don't remember that.

-What do you mean?

-You know, the Dazzling Debbie and Her Budgies!

-I don't know what you mean.

-Ya dirty little devil!

-Oh, yeah?

-What are you trying to imply?

-Bradford, 1962!

You had a few swings on her perch, didn't you?

That's a slur on my integrity.

Crawling back to the digs at half past one in the morning

-with your trouser turn-ups full of millet!

-Oh, shut up!

-You slept for 24 hours on one leg, and your head under your arm!

-Agh!

Stick to the scrapbook!

-There's a bit about you in here.

-A bit about me?

-Yeah.

-Oh, really? What's it say?

-You'll like this.

-Oh, yeah?

"The audience was captivated by Ernie Wise, a highly talented

"and versatile midget."

LAUGHTER

-"Versatile midget"?!

-Yeah.

-It doesn't say that!

No, that is true, it doesn't. I made up the versatile bit.

It says, now listen,

"The dance routine he performed was breathtaking.

"He finished his routine with a splits,

-"the likes of which have never been seen before or since."

-Really?

And that is true, ladies and gentlemen, because in his act,

he used to do the splits over a bucket of live lobsters.

Not easy, not when the tide's going out.

-And what was the song that you used to finish on?

-I Who Have Nothing.

Fabulous. Wonderful.

-Nobody could do the splits like you.

-I can still do the splits, you know.

-Oh, no, you mustn't do it now, though.

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, don't.

-Yes, I can still do it.

-You'll dislocate a spat.

-I'm as good now as I was 30 years ago.

-Oh, don't...

-Look at that.

-You mustn't do it, look.

-What d'you mean?

-You'll get a double chin.

-No!

LAUGHTER

It could mean two pension books, you know that, don't you?

ERNIE GROANS

-What?

-I'm stuck.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a man now who's stuck!

In mid-split!

-Don't move!

-What? I won't move.

No, not you, them I'm talking about.

-I'll get you home.

-Home?

-Yes.

-What are you going to do?

No, you'll never get me in the car!

-I'll get you on the bus, one and two halves.

-Oh...!

Hey, no, I tell you what, gentlemen, please. Thank you.

What are you doing, fellas?

LAUGHTER

Whatever you do, don't make a wish.

APPLAUSE

FAST, ELABORATE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Barbara Woodhouse.

Barbara Woodhouse?

Says here she's in bed with distemper.

Why did you say that?

I have this hole under my nose doing nothing.

LAUGHTER

Look, I've got to think of this new ending for the show.

It's got to be good, something different.

-That must have been nasty.

-What must have been nasty?

Plane carrying 15 tonnes of rhubarb.

-What about it?

-Had to make a forced landing.

LAUGHTER

Had to make a forced landing!

-Hey, that's a good joke.

-No!

-We should use that in the show.

No, no, we'll save the good stuff for the Christmas show.

I've got to think of a new ending for the show.

This is difficult, it's got to be different...

ERIC WHISTLES

That's it. The new ending for the show.

The Singing Fool!

-D'you think Des'll do it?

-No, no!

LAUGHTER

Al Jolson will do a medley of Al Jolson songs.

It's a knockout idea, I'm all for it.

Oh, I'm glad I thought of it. Great.

-Did you put the cat out?

-No, it's too cold for it tonight.

Oh, I suppose so.

LAUGHTER

CAT MIAOWS It's in the bed!

Told you it was too cold for it, didn't I?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you very much.

No doubt, ladies and gentlemen,

many of you have seen Eric play the piano on the show, so you understand

the reason why his ambition is to learn to play a musical instrument.

So now we would like to present to you a xylophone duet.

-Are you ready, Eric?

-Yes, I'm ready.

Fine, now the principle is the same as the piano, Eric.

-Ah, now, that is where the difficulty came.

-Why?

See, when I sat down to play, I couldn't get a note, you see.

-To me, it's like playing with the lid down.

-Yes.

-I was getting segs, little segs...

-Yes, I understand.

-Ten little segs, I've got.

-No, you don't understand,

you play the xylophone with these little hammers.

You see, like this, let me show you.

XYLOPHONE GLISSANDOS

-Oh, very good.

-See? Yeah.

You mean, er, like this?

-That's it.

-Excellent.

-Quite simple.

-I'm all for it.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to play for you

-Monti's Csardas.

-Three Blind Mice.

-Pardon.

-Three Blind Mice, it's harder.

-That's how I play it backwards.

-Monti's Csardas.

-We're going to play Monti's Csardas.

-Oh, are we?

-Are you ready?

-It's up to you.

-Here we go, one, two.

ERNIE PLAYS "CSARDAS"

APPLAUSE

That was marvellous, weren't it?

-Where were you?

-I couldn't get in!

-With one stick too.

-One stick you did it, and it was on fire as well!

I've never seen hammers go like that before.

-You're supposed to come in halfway through.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-I'll remember that.

-Right.

-Now, we'll try it again. Yes.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Here we go. One, two.

ERNIE PLAYS "CSARDAS"

ERIC PLAYS WRONG NOTES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Round like a circle in a spiral

# Like a wheel within a wheel

# Never ending or beginning

# On an ever-spinning reel

# Like a snowball down a mountain

# Or a carnival balloon...

# Like a carousel that's turning

WINDMILL CREAKS

# Running rings around the moon

# Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

# Past the minutes of its face LAUGHTER

# And the world is like an apple

# Whirling silently in space

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind... #

CLATTERING AND BANGING

# Like a tunnel that you follow

# To a tunnel of its own

# Down a hollow to a cavern

# Where the sun has never shone

# Like a door that keeps revolving

# In a half-forgotten dream

# Or the ripples from a pebble

# Someone tosses in a stream

# Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face

# And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space... #

CLATTERING AND BANGING # Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind WINDMILL CREAKS

# Keys that jingle in your pocket

# Words that jangle in your head

# Why did summer go so quickly? HAMMERING AND BANGING

# Was it something that you said?

# Lovers walk along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand

# Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand?

# Pictures hanging in a hallway

# Or the fragments of a song

# Half-remembered names and faces LAUGHTER

# But to whom do they belong?

# When you knew that it was over

# You were suddenly aware

# That the autumn leaves were turning

# To the colour of his hair

# Like a circle in a spiral

# Like a wheel within a wheel

# Never ending or beginning

# On an ever-spinning reel

# As the images unwind

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind

# Like a circle in a spiral

# Like a wheel within a wheel LAUGHTER

# Never ending or beginning

# On an ever-spinning reel

# As the images unwind

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind. #

LAUGHTER

WIND HOWLS

APPLAUSE

Arise, Sir Ernest.

LAUGHTER

My queen, Cleopatra, is here now.

WHIMSICAL MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-There you are, Desdemona.

-My queen.

-Has my lover arrived yet?

-Which one?

-What day is it?

-Friday.

-Oh, Mark Anthony, two till ten.

-He loves you terribly.

-I keep telling him that.

LAUGHTER

All men are fools.

They fling themselves at my feet and I use them as stepping stones.

FANFARE PLAYS

-He is coming now, Mark Anthony.

-Another stepping stone arriving.

Go and help him up the steps, he's only got little legs.

LAUGHTER

He is here now, Mark Anthony.

WHIMSICAL MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

LAUGHTER

My queen!

I search in vain for words adequate enough to describe your great beauty.

Try.

How's this for starters?

I've only loved like this once before, and when I die,

you will find engraved on my heart the words Cleopatra...

and Barclays Bank.

Foreign Department.

I can honestly say I have never heard such flattering words.

-Would you leave us, Desdemona?

-My queen.

Alone at last. Get the grapes out and let's get at it.

LAUGHTER

Are you...?

Are you quite sure that we are alone?

-Of course I'm sure we're alone.

-I think not.

For some time now, I have had the feeling that we are being watched.

-Impossible.

-You think so.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My queen, he is so far away, he can't possibly see us from there.

Oh, me eye!

Tell me, my queen, do you know that man?

I believe him to be a Roman guard,

a soldier sent by Caesar to keep an eye on me and the company I keep.

If Julius Caesar finds out that you and I have been...

-It means certain death for both of us.

-That's not nice, is it?

-Don't worry, I can handle him.

-Oh, good.

My queen, the Roman guard is here.

"MATCH OF THE DAY THEME" PLAYS

ERIC BLOWS WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry I'm late.

But I've been irrigating the desert.

LAUGHTER

And it's very difficult on your own.

-Is Julius Caesar with you?

-Couldn't come, love. Couldn't come.

Got the hieroglyphics.

He does send his love.

You must be very hungry after such a long journey,

can I get you some food?

No, I'm all right, thank you. Had a couple of sheep's eyes,

they'll see me through the rest of the day.

I never could play that game!

ERIC GIGGLES

-You must be hungry for something.

-That's true.

EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Be honest, come on!

APPLAUSE

Tell me, sir, what is your mission here?

I've been sent from Rome by Julius and Caesar!

-Julius AND Caesar?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

He had a terrible accident while polishing his sword.

Am I right in assuming that your sole purpose here is to spy on me?

-Is there anything to spy on?

-Meaning?

You and the little fella here. A touch of the "Hello, folks"

and "What about the workers" every now and again.

How dare you suggest a touch of the, er,

"Hello, folks" and "What about the workers?"

-Now and again.

-Now and again. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

there's nothing like that been going on...

What are you doing here then?

I came to see if the queen has got everything.

-And has she?

-Yes.

-You've looked?

-No!

Well, why are his legs blushing?

-Psst!

-Eh?

-What?

-Don't let him frighten you.

-Yes, but if he tells Julius Caesar

about you and I, you know, with the "Hello, folks"

and "What about the workers,"

I'll lose me pension and me gold watch!

All men are fools, and what makes them so is

having beauty like what I have got!

Great, great.

LAUGHTER

-You have a plan?

-Leave me alone with him...

LAUGHTER

Leave me alone with him for five minutes.

-Five minutes?

-Five minutes.

I will incriminate him and then we need fear nothing he may do.

Please!

He is a soldier of Rome! It is impossible to incriminate him.

-Leave me alone with him!

-Just as you say, Cleo.

What do you think of it so far?

"Rubbish."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Noble sir...

-Thank you.

Can I do something for you, can I attend to your camel?

-Please do, you'll find it outside.

-Yes.

-You can't miss it.

-Looks like a horse with an airlock.

-Right.

Put this on the hump in case it freezes tonight.

I certainly will. Bye-bye, Cleo.

-A magnificent beast.

-The camel?

-No, Ern.

SEDUCTIVE EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Is your back still bad?

I like you, you are a warm-blooded creature

and I'm aflame with desire for you.

I can feel my passion growing hotter and hotter!

Leave everything to me, cheeky.

I understand the ways of women.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry about that.

-Is this your first visit to Egypt?

-I've never been here before in my life!

-When was that?

About two years ago.

We seem to have turned over two pages there.

-What do you think of the Pyramids?

-Excellent.

Their last record was a belter.

I'm sure you would be more comfortable on these cushions

next to me.

Lady, I must warn you that I am a soldier of Rome,

and that I have sworn a vow to my emperor.

If you are toying with the idea of trying to seduce me,

I must tell you here and now that I have no other alternative

than to leave this room first thing tomorrow morning. Move up.

LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry.

Grapes!

I can take a hint.

ERIC TAP DANCES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ERIC SPLUTTERS

-ERIC COUGHS

-Sit down.

-I am.

ERIC COUGHS

-Would you like to rest your head on my lap?

-If you can get it off, yes.

Don't... Don't you find...?

Don't you find the desert romantic?

It's all right now but what's it like when the tide comes in?

-I like you!

-Hello!

-Kiss me!

-All right, then.

BOING!

Have you ever thought of being a plumber?

-Comfortable?

-Well...

just the...

-Yours, I think.

-Sorry.

-How do you like me stroking your hair?

-Oh, it's marvellous.

It really is, yes. But don't overdo it.

I've only got eight and six of those are Ern's.

Psst!

Don't crocet to cut the sleeking cowder.

The sleeking cowder.

-In his goglet.

-I geg your garden?

-The sleeking cowder.

-The sleeking cowder. In me goglet.

-In his goglet.

-Sleeking cowder.

-Yesh.

And we can sling him the Nile.

Another drink?

A gottle of geer, if you have it!

Thank you.

What the..? Yuh... Hey...

Very powerful stuff.

When did you last see a woman?

I've forgotten, sir.

It's no good trying to fight me,

your little heart is pounding like a whippet in a bowler hat.

But you're in love with...Mark Anthony.

-Me and Mark Anthony?!

-Yes!

Don't mention that man's name to me, I can't stand the sight of him.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute, I heard that!

I'm Mark Anthony. Now, listen to me, it's time for me to act.

That'll be the day.

-Just a moment.

-What?

-You love the queen.

-I loved her once.

-Once?

And you told me you were a centurion! You're all talk, you are.

Mark Anthony, you have been and always will be a fool.

You are treating me as a big prawn.

You can't fight nature's arms.

-I love you.

-Of course you do.

-I want you to take me with you to Rome.

-She lies, she lies.

-What an actor.

-She lies, she thinks all men are fools and what makes them

so is having grew to like what she has got.

-My queen.

-What is it, Desdemona?

Looks more like Des O'Connor.

My queen, terrible news from abroad.

-They want the Oscar back.

-They want it back.

-Speak, Desdemona.

-Speak.

If you go to Rome with that man, you will surely die.

Is this true?

As surely as the sun rises above the Co-op in Cairo.

-Who are you?

-Who am I? I'll tell you WHOM I am.

I am Octavian Caesar, nephew of Julius Caesar,

ruler of the world

and certain parts of Birkenhead.

-Julius Caesar's nephew?

-Yes, I am.

-I don't believe it.

Now do you see why wants you to go with him?

You said that without moving your lips.

As his prisoners!

She can do it, as well!

Face Julius Caesar and certain death?

That's true.

-Certain death? No, please.

-Get off.

Please. I don't want to be slewed.

Don't throw me to the lions, they won't like me, I'm all gristle.

But you have made love to the queen!

-It was nothing.

-I can believe that.

Then you intend seeing this through to the bitter end?

Well, we might as well, we've all learnt the words, haven't we?

-How do you feel about it?

-Yeah, we'll carry on.

-See how long it goes.

Right. I have one final request.

Well, hurry up, cos you are running a bit late.

-Final request?

-If I am to die, let it be by my own hand.

-No!

-A fine actor, that boy.

-Fetch me the asp.

-Asp?

-It's a poisonous snake.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-There's an asp in that.

-Yeah, there is.

-Would you hold the basket while I remove the lid?

-Certainly.

This deadly serpent will put an end to my misery...

by biting me...

on the breast.

-Could I have a word with you, please?

-Yes.

-Is that official?

-Yes, it's all in the play.

-The snake comes out of the basket and bites her on the breast, yeah.

-Fine.

-End it for me now.

-Ready when you are, pally.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-What are you doing?

-I'm warming up the snake.

-You're disgusting, you are.

-Of course I am, you fool!

-Put me out of my misery.

-All right, he's been asleep for three months.

You've been in a sling, haven't you?

And don't forget your promise.

And look at me when I'm talking to you.

-Go on, enjoy yourself, it's your birthday. Ready.

-Ready.

-Ha! She missed.

-Missed.

-Again.

-Again! Argh!

-Too quick for me, this one.

-Argh!

-Pardon?

SHE SCREAMS

-Is she dead?

-Yes, she's dead.

-Well, I'm going to do something now

that I've never done to a lady on television before.

-What are going to do?

-I'm going to pinch her Oscar.

I'm Andre Previn.

I worked with Morecambe and Wise,

look what happened to me.

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

STRING MUSIC STARTS

Well, do you like being famous?

Well, it's not like in your day, you know?

What?

Oh, that's an insult.

What do you mean, not like in my day?

Well, my dad used to tell me about you, you know?

-In the old days.

-You've only got a little dad, have you?

LAUGHTER

His dad used to tell him!

That's a bit strong, isn't it?

-No, he's right.

-All right, Bonzo?!

-Ringo.

-Yeah, him as well.

Get them off, they've done enough.

-What do you mean, "done enough"?

-Well, they're getting insulting now.

No, look, what I was going to suggest was let's do a number with the boys.

Oh, yeah. One that the dad will remember.

Like I used to do, with your dad.

-You go and get changed.

-Yes, I will.

-What do you think we should do, boys?

What about something that's more suitable for Eric's age?

-Moonlight Bay?

-Moonlight Bay!

So, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make history on television.

For the first time, we have Morecambe And Wise and The Beatles

presenting to you that wonderful old-fashioned number, Moonlight Bay.

You all remember the number.

OK, fellas. That's great, you look marvellous.

You ready? All right, we'll take it from the top. OK, Kenny, thank you.

PIANO STARTS

# We were strolling along

# Twist and shout!

# On Moonlight Bay

# Whoo!

# We could hear the voices singing

# I like it!

-# And they seem to say. #

-Bonzo!

# You have broken my heart

# Oh, twist and shout

# Don't go away. #

-Have the Beatles gone?

-No, they're here.

-Oh.

# With your short, fat hairy legs

# On Moonlight Bay On Moonlight Bay

# Whoo! #

Yes!

APPLAUSE