Episode 1 The Pranker


Episode 1

Ross Lee's hidden camera comedy show. The Old Lady learns to play ping-pong in a very unusual way, and an estate agent encounters a possessed potential tenant.


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Transcript


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Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

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He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey,

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a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

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this is what happens when he spins out of control

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and crashes into the real world.

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Coming up...

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Take all your shit and fuck off now.

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I don't quite understand why you've done that.

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Oh, my God.

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Try it before you buy it,

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starring a shifty shopper.

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And special guest,

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the garden centre assistant.

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At a garden centre somewhere

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this bouffant buffoon is searching for a barbeque.

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-All right.

-Can you do us a favour and show me how this works because it's...

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-Turn it on from here.

-..it's gas.

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if I'm going to buy it I need to try it, you know?

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Am I all right just having a look at it for a couple of minutes

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-before I decide then I'll give you a shout?

-No worries.

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Are you having a laugh?

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Get it off.

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-Get what off?

-Take all that stuff off.

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-They're nearly ready these, look.

-Take them off and get out.

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Have a beer, chill out, come on.

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Take all your shit...

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Look, I'm not going to buy it if I've not tried it, here you are.

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I don't care, take your stuff and go.

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-Are you vegetarian?

-Shut up and get out.

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Come on, what's wrong with you? It's a bit ungrateful.

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Here I am cooking us some burgers, what am I supposed to put my burgers in?

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Here would you say that were cooked?

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-Look, take your hat...

-But.

-Now you see that exit? Go. Now.

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-Because...

-Go now.

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-Because I need to...

-Go now.

-Cos...

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-Could I have a sausage?

-Go away.

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Look, right, if you buy a car, right, if you buy a car

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sometimes you've got to test drive the actual car,

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do you know what I mean?

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-Do us a favour.

-Yeah.

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And fuck off now and take your fucking stuff.

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Meanwhile across town...

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The old lady incident,

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featuring the old lady

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and the young, innocent Adam.

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Everyone knows old dogs can't learn new tricks but what about this dusty old bird?

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Yes, thank you.

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Adam's enjoying a quiet drink but an unexpected revelation looms.

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SHE GARGLES

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Oh!

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Oh, oh!

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Oh.

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SHE PANTS

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SHE STRAINS

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Oh...

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Oh. Ah!

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I never knew I could do that.

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Game, set and snatch.

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Nightmares in babysitting.

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Starring Boris the 13-year-old boy,

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his mum and dad and Becky,

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the blissfully unaware babysitter.

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Becky's been called to the care of what she believes to be

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a tiger-faced teenage boy.

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With Mummy and Daddy dispatched Boris informs Becky

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of an urgent photography assignment he must finish for school.

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What do you take pictures of? What's it about?

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-It's called the best days of our lives.

-OK.

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Becky agrees to assist the stripy-faced cherub

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and why not, he's just an innocent little boy.

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You've passed your driving test, can you shout hurrah really loud while you do it?

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-Yep yep.

-Like that.

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-Five, four, three, two, one, hurrah!

-Hurrah!

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-Right.

-Oh, brilliant.

-I found all these, these are old exercise books from years ago.

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-Right, OK.

-I want you to rip them all up.

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You really want me to rip them?

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-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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-They're not your books from now?

-No, no, no, just rubbish.

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-Right, are you ready to start ripping?

-Yeah!

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-And yeah.

-Yeah!

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Ahhhh. Chuck it in the air,

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chuck it in the air!

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah!

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Right, that's lovely.

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Da, da, da, daa!

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Where did you get this from?

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-Look at that.

-Off the internet.

-Bought it off the internet.

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Oh, that's brilliant.

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Cos the thing is, your wedding day, it's like a really big party, innit?

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-A huge party.

-What we're going to do is

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we're going to ruffle up your dress.

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No, don't cut it.

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No, I bought it for this.

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Problem is, is it safer...

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If I take those off of you, could you just rip it a bit of that dress?

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I don't want to cut your legs.

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That's it.

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If only life could be like this all the time, that would be nice.

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I know.

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Oh, that's good.

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Can you hold up some of the torn bits for the camera?

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-Yeah.

-Right, right, here we go.

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Oh, that's great right!

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-Put tomato ketchup on as well.

-We'll...

-No.

-..make it too messy.

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Don't get it all over the carpet.

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Can I just adjust that back...

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right...

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Right, can you hold the champagne? There you go.

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Ahh...

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You hold those scissors like that, right.

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Let me just,

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oh, that's it.

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Nearly there.

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Oh, nearly there.

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Oh, nearly there.

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Becky?

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Yeah?

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Is that my wedding dress you've got on?

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No, he said he bought it off eBay.

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-Oh, my God.

-I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

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What's going on? I don't understand what's going on.

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I was trying to help him with his project, he said this is what would happen with his project.

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-Where is he, Boris?

-He's at the back, there, trying to rip this.

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Boris, what have you got to say? I'm a bit upset.

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Well, when you left I said, "Can we do some homework?"

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-she went, "Don't, it's for nunnies."

-I did not say.

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Ripping up my exercise books. I was like, "I've got to hand that in tomorrow."

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I look up, she's run upstairs and she was in your cupboard, got your wedding dress and said...

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Where would I even know where to get it from?

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She took this picture then put me under her dress and I was suffocating.

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Can I just say something? This is total rubbish, I never...

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I haven't been anywhere near...

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Why would I even go upstairs? I haven't been upstairs, he said he bought this off eBay for £12.50.

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It's my designer wedding dress.

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I didn't know.

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I swear to God on my life, trying to get his homework done.

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Can we salsa dance again?

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No! I was trying to help him...

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Boris, stop it.

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He told me to put this dress on,

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I had no idea that it was your dress and he squirted me with ketchup.

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-Becky.

-What?

-Can I have a hug?

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-No, you can't.

-Can I have a hug?

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I'm really angry, to be quite honest, I was trying to help him with his homework, I didn't know.

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Becky, do you want me to take a picture of you?

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Slaphead, starring Slaphead.

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And special guest, Kim the stylist.

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The new tenant.

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Starring a house-hunting medium.

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And special guest, Neil, the estate agent.

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New Age Ross is house hunting

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and it's Neil's job to sell him one

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but Ross is more interested in what the spirits have to say.

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Do you know why the current owners are renting the place out?

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No.

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Do you know if they've been happy?

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-I imagine they have yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I mean it looks like a happy house so...

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I'm sensing something quite sad that took place.

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Going to look upstairs?

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Great.

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There's many spirits in this room,

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-there's a beautiful lady that I can see here called Rosemary.

-Right.

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-Rosemary, she thinks we should take the place.

-That's good, yeah.

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In fact, Neil, could you just give me one minute on my own in the room,

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just to deal with the spirit, just to get a feel for the energy.

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-Yeah.

-Thank, you thank you.

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-I tell you what, cos I need to get some pictures so I'll just quickly set up downstairs so...

-Sure. OK.

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MUMBLING UPSTAIRS

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Fuck!

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Ross, what you doing?!

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Oh, Ross.

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HE SQUEALS

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What the fuck?

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Dan you've got to get here, mate, this guy's a...

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He's got like skulls and shit on the floor. Dan, come here quick, man!

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Oh, the geezer's just like...

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Dan, seriously, mate, you better come here now.

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HOWLING

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Oh, Dan, man, this geezer's just fucking...

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Shall I ring the police?

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Oh, I'm going to ring the police, mate.

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What have you done to the landlord's sheet?

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Ross, what are you doing?

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Ross, we've gotta go, we've gotta leave.

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You can't do this.

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Ross!

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Ross? You've gotta get up, you've gotta leave.

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I don't want to be negative but I don't think this house is the right house for me.

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That's fine, mate, you've gotta go though, seriously you can't...

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Hello, Darren?

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I need somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet, yeah?

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-Right, OK.

-Er, OK.

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Blind date disaster.

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Starring a single white male,

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an entire restaurant who are wise to the scam,

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and the hapless, helpless Holly.

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Holly's very best friends have set her up on the very worst blind date.

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There's no love on the menu tonight though, only mayhem.

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Cheers, glad to see you.

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Go on then, let me hear your Ringo Starr.

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I used to be a Beatle.

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Holly's about to meet an unexpected guest.

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Do you want to, do you want to see him?

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Go on, let me see him.

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Da daaa!

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That's uncle Richard and Ross is explaining how he employs the puppet

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to educate young people about the perils and pitfalls of growing up.

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So what would your set be? OK, say,

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I'm a child, eight years old, and I wanted to start smoking or I wanted to smoke,

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how would you advise me not to smoke?

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That is very interesting because we would do this with a game we'd do with the kids.

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What's the game?

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It's just say no words and guess what I'm on.

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OK, I'm intrigued, go on.

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Uncle Richard,

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are you ready to take your first drug?

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Here we go,

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you've gotta guess what he's on.

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OK.

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-I can't remember what I'm laughing at.

-You what?

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I can't remember what I'm laughing at.

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Is there a garage around here?

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Got any chocolate?

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Got any chocolate, what am I on?

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Wow, oh, don't ask me, I don't know anything about drugs.

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-I am off my tits...

-Yes.

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..on marijuana.

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But then wouldn't most drugs make you like that,

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paranoid and...

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They're all so different, you see, this is why we do this exercise.

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Uncle Richard, are you ready to take your next drug?

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Wow wow, I tell you what, I am the funniest person in this restaurant,

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Oh, everything... Look at that, it's mental, in't it? Everything I say is absolutely amazing!

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Oh, God, I'm just mad for it, I'm just going to go to the toilet.

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Wow, outburst.

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-Where was I? Oh, yeah, oh, my head I'm not talking about...

-Excuse me.

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Oi, shut it! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a serious conversation?

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Excuse me, can you not be so rude.

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-Rude cow.

-Sssshh.

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-We're just doing a bit of...

-Excuse me.

-..role playing, sorry.

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OK, can you maybe just keep it down a little bit?

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-There's other people here.

-OK, sorry about that.

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Ssshhh.

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Stupid bitch!

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-Oh, I'm just going to the toilet.

-Sssshhh.

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Eh, what you looking at?

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Get on with your dinner and on with your Lego-haired bird,

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cheeky bastard!

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Ha ha, I'm so funny, I'm going to go to the toilet.

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-Uncle Richard needs to go. Seriously, no, now.

-What am I on?

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-Uncle Richard needs to go.

-I am off my tits...

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-You are, but Uncle Richard needs to go now.

-..on cocaine.

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Yep. Uncle Richard needs to go.

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Sorry.

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The kids do love that one though, they respond well.

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I have to admit though, you can't do that here,

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you can't, you really, really can't.

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Not in here.

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No, no, I'm not kidding now, seriously.

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He does do a friendlier, more fun thing that...

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And I swear you...

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Not here, definitely not here.

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CLEARS THROAT Sssshhh.

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No.

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# As we get older our bodies start to grow... #

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-No, honestly.

-# It happens to our chest and dangly bits below

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# Boys stat to smell and their voices start to crack

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-# As their testicles bulge in their ever growing sack... #

-Seriously, no.

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# But it's as simple as ABC

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# We all need to go through puberty

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# Ba ba ba bum bum... #

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No, stop, stop, seriously now.

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# Girls grow boobies Boys get hairy legs

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# Girls grow ovaries so they can grow eggs

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# They get bad tempered as the blood starts to stream

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# And boys will want to change their sheets after a wet dream

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# It's as simple as ABC

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# We all need to go through puberty

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# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, boo! #

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Holly, Holly, don't go!

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Holly?

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Holly do you fancy a...

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fancy a threesome?

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The bargain hunter.

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Starring a very unreasonable man

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and waiting in the wings is James the shopkeeper,

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a very reasonable man.

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There we are, you're a scholar and a gentleman, thank you very much indeed.

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I'll take that and I'll, er, take that, thank you very much.

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And I'll have the 50% discount.

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What's that?

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Well, it's...

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I can't do that.

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Legs, 100% knackered.

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-Mmm-hmm.

-Discount requested 50%.

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You do the math, pal.

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You doing the math?

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Mmm.

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I can't give discounts to people, I'm not the manager.

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-So you are not going to give me my 50% discount, is that correct?

-Yeah.

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Ooo, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Now look what's happened.

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Hello? Ambulance chasing, no win, no fee solicitors?

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Yes?

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I was just wheeling myself around a hardware store when I was impaled

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by a loosely hanging screwdriver,

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what's that you say?

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£1 million compensation.

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Sue them for £1 million all you like.

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The chances of that happening again?

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Yes, I think that's very highly likely, yes.

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I don't quite understand why you've just done that.

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If I can't sway you I'll have to pay the full price.

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-What's the price, £14.99?

-£14.99 yeah.

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There we are, sir, thank you very much.

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-I'll leave these out of the bag.

-Yeah.

-Take them as they are.

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Give me a hand out the door if that's all right?

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Toodle pip, sir.

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It's PC gone mad.

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Introducing a very special constable and boy racin' Jason.

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Is this your vehicle sir?

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Yes.

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I was worried you were going to say that.

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Therefore it is my civic duty to inform you that this car is shit.

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You what?

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It's an utter piece of metallically-painted metal crap that could only be driven

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by a cock-smoking metrosexual hair dressing ponce like your good self.

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Therefore I'd like you to scrap this monstrosity

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and buy something that won't make your parents ashamed

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that you all share the same DNA, do you understand?

0:19:380:19:42

-I'm doing you a favour.

-What's that then?

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You're lucky that I didn't nick you

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for driving under the influence of looking like a cock.

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Now move along, before I change my mind.

0:19:550:19:58

Meet the movie buff.

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Starring the new boyfriend.

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His accomplice, Kelly and the innocent, Adam and Nicole.

0:20:200:20:25

A toast I think to, er, well, meeting the family.

0:20:250:20:31

Now listen, Kelly's not really Ross's girlfriend

0:20:310:20:34

but she's set up her sister Nicola and her sisters fiance Adam

0:20:340:20:38

and said she is his girlfriend so she can invite them to her house for lunch

0:20:380:20:42

so he can meet them for the very first time. Got that? Splendid.

0:20:420:20:45

Are you hungry? Shall I serve the food?

0:20:450:20:47

Yeah, whenever you're ready.

0:20:470:20:50

I want to go to the toilet, I'll be two seconds sorry.

0:20:500:20:52

So far they're having a wonderful evening

0:20:520:20:55

and it's high time for some movie chat.

0:20:550:20:57

Any Jodie Foster fans out there?

0:20:570:21:00

Talking of films, I watched an amazing movie last night that I've never seen before,

0:21:000:21:04

um, God, what was it called?

0:21:040:21:08

There was a...

0:21:080:21:09

There's a policewoman and she's not been doing it,

0:21:090:21:12

she's not been on the job that long,

0:21:120:21:14

there's a chap who's like in prison, er, and they keep going to visit him,

0:21:140:21:18

there's this really made scene in it where there's a bloke and he's like,

0:21:180:21:25

he's sewing stuff together.

0:21:250:21:27

There's a girl in a hole,

0:21:290:21:31

hang on a minute, hang on, I've got an idea hang on, hang on.

0:21:310:21:35

-Are you two all right?

-Yeah, yeah, fine.

0:21:350:21:38

Hang on one second, one second.

0:21:380:21:41

What was on the telly last night?

0:21:420:21:43

There was a movie, erm...

0:21:430:21:45

I flipped over and it said psychological thriller.

0:21:470:21:51

That's why I was trying to think what it was. I've probably got it on DVD.

0:21:510:21:59

OK, where's my sister?

0:22:540:22:56

I'm leaving.

0:22:580:23:00

Oh, I've got it, Silence Of the lambs.

0:23:100:23:15

It's a shame they didn't stick around for a nice Chianti and some fava beans.

0:23:150:23:19

Fa, fa, fa, fa...

0:23:190:23:20

The blockage.

0:23:220:23:24

Starring a plucky plumber,

0:23:240:23:26

a troublesome toilet.

0:23:260:23:28

And playing herself, Jaclyn.

0:23:280:23:30

the office temp.

0:23:300:23:32

-Hello.

-Hi there.

0:23:350:23:38

Right, so I hear that you're blocked?

0:23:380:23:42

Yes, we'll, I'm just temping.

0:23:420:23:44

-Right.

-This is the offending toilet in here.

0:23:440:23:46

-This is the offending toilet? I'll get to work then, thanks very much.

-OK, bye.

0:23:460:23:50

Excuse me love, er well, I don't suppose you've got any reason why you know that would be...

0:24:010:24:07

Oh, my God, a fish?

0:24:070:24:10

It looks like a sardine, or is it a sprat?

0:24:100:24:14

Sprat? Yeah, or actually it looks like a sardine to me.

0:24:140:24:18

-I mean, the thing is I know that's not actually big enough to block.

-Block it.

-The toilet so...

0:24:180:24:23

Why is there a fish down there?

0:24:230:24:25

Can I leave that with you, is that OK?

0:24:250:24:27

If you just pop it on some paper, right,

0:24:270:24:30

I'm going to continue with my investigations.

0:24:300:24:32

Never know, might find it's mum and dad there.

0:24:320:24:35

You never know, love.

0:24:350:24:37

-Might find a cod and a salmon!

-You never know.

-You could have dinner.

0:24:370:24:41

Bugger me!

0:24:440:24:46

What the hell is that?

0:24:460:24:49

Oh, hey!

0:24:490:24:51

Aren't you a handsome fella?

0:24:510:24:53

I don't, I don't believe that, I don't believe.

0:24:570:25:00

I'm just going to have to air this out a bit.

0:25:000:25:03

Right, it's nothing to worry about, so the toilets now unblocked,

0:25:050:25:08

I've put the blockage on the floor

0:25:080:25:10

so if you tell the cleaners

0:25:100:25:12

-they'll get rid of the blockage for you.

-OK.

-You'll have no more problems now.

0:25:120:25:16

That's the most peculiar thing I've ever seen in my life.

0:25:160:25:19

Unbelievable.

0:25:190:25:21

-Well, have a good day anyway.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

0:25:210:25:24

Oh, my God!

0:25:330:25:35

Hello...

0:25:460:25:48

Hello.

0:25:490:25:50

Well, I never.

0:25:550:25:56

Oh... oh.

0:26:010:26:03

Emma, please come back, there is a fucking penguin

0:26:040:26:07

wandering around with toilet tissue stuck to it.

0:26:070:26:10

# Just the two of us... #

0:26:120:26:14

You have been watching...

0:26:140:26:16

There's cameras here.

0:26:160:26:18

I'm tripping out.

0:26:180:26:19

There's cameras there.

0:26:190:26:22

She put it up her bum.

0:26:220:26:25

The most fucked up thing I've ever witnessed.

0:26:280:26:33

There's cameras, we've been looking at you the whole time.

0:26:330:26:36

No! Will I be on TV?

0:26:360:26:37

I'm very gullible, this is not good for me!

0:26:370:26:39

Give me a kiss.

0:26:390:26:41

Next time on The Pranker...

0:26:420:26:45

Keris! Keris!

0:26:570:26:58

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:050:27:07

Email [email protected]

0:27:070:27:09

The Old Lady learns to play ping-pong in a very unusual way, an estate agent encounters a possessed potential tenant, Slaphead finds some human hair and Boris the Teenager inflicts wedding day woe on his babysitter.


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