Episode 1 The Pranker

Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey,

a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

this is what happens when he spins out of control

and crashes into the real world.

Coming up...

Take all your shit and fuck off now.

I don't quite understand why you've done that.

Oh, my God.

Try it before you buy it,

starring a shifty shopper.

And special guest,

the garden centre assistant.

At a garden centre somewhere

this bouffant buffoon is searching for a barbeque.

-All right.

-Can you do us a favour and show me how this works because it's...

-Turn it on from here.

-..it's gas.

if I'm going to buy it I need to try it, you know?

Am I all right just having a look at it for a couple of minutes

-before I decide then I'll give you a shout?

-No worries.

Are you having a laugh?

Get it off.

-Get what off?

-Take all that stuff off.

-They're nearly ready these, look.

-Take them off and get out.

Have a beer, chill out, come on.

Take all your shit...

Look, I'm not going to buy it if I've not tried it, here you are.

I don't care, take your stuff and go.

-Are you vegetarian?

-Shut up and get out.

Come on, what's wrong with you? It's a bit ungrateful.

Here I am cooking us some burgers, what am I supposed to put my burgers in?

Here would you say that were cooked?

-Look, take your hat...

-But.

-Now you see that exit? Go. Now.

-Because...

-Go now.

-Because I need to...

-Go now.

-Cos...

-Could I have a sausage?

-Go away.

Look, right, if you buy a car, right, if you buy a car

sometimes you've got to test drive the actual car,

do you know what I mean?

-Do us a favour.

-Yeah.

And fuck off now and take your fucking stuff.

Meanwhile across town...

The old lady incident,

featuring the old lady

and the young, innocent Adam.

Everyone knows old dogs can't learn new tricks but what about this dusty old bird?

Yes, thank you.

Adam's enjoying a quiet drink but an unexpected revelation looms.

SHE GARGLES

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh.

SHE PANTS

SHE STRAINS

Oh...

Oh. Ah!

I never knew I could do that.

Game, set and snatch.

Nightmares in babysitting.

Starring Boris the 13-year-old boy,

his mum and dad and Becky,

the blissfully unaware babysitter.

Becky's been called to the care of what she believes to be

a tiger-faced teenage boy.

With Mummy and Daddy dispatched Boris informs Becky

of an urgent photography assignment he must finish for school.

What do you take pictures of? What's it about?

-It's called the best days of our lives.

-OK.

Becky agrees to assist the stripy-faced cherub

and why not, he's just an innocent little boy.

You've passed your driving test, can you shout hurrah really loud while you do it?

-Yep yep.

-Like that.

-Five, four, three, two, one, hurrah!

-Hurrah!

-Right.

-Oh, brilliant.

-I found all these, these are old exercise books from years ago.

-Right, OK.

-I want you to rip them all up.

You really want me to rip them?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-They're not your books from now?

-No, no, no, just rubbish.

-Right, are you ready to start ripping?

-Yeah!

-And yeah.

-Yeah!

Ahhhh. Chuck it in the air,

chuck it in the air!

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah!

Right, that's lovely.

Da, da, da, daa!

Where did you get this from?

-Look at that.

-Off the internet.

-Bought it off the internet.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Cos the thing is, your wedding day, it's like a really big party, innit?

-A huge party.

-What we're going to do is

we're going to ruffle up your dress.

No, don't cut it.

No, I bought it for this.

Problem is, is it safer...

If I take those off of you, could you just rip it a bit of that dress?

I don't want to cut your legs.

That's it.

If only life could be like this all the time, that would be nice.

I know.

Oh, that's good.

Can you hold up some of the torn bits for the camera?

-Yeah.

-Right, right, here we go.

Oh, that's great right!

-Put tomato ketchup on as well.

-We'll...

-No.

-..make it too messy.

Don't get it all over the carpet.

Can I just adjust that back...

right...

Right, can you hold the champagne? There you go.

Ahh...

You hold those scissors like that, right.

Let me just,

oh, that's it.

Nearly there.

Oh, nearly there.

Oh, nearly there.

Becky?

Yeah?

Is that my wedding dress you've got on?

No, he said he bought it off eBay.

-Oh, my God.

-I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

What's going on? I don't understand what's going on.

I was trying to help him with his project, he said this is what would happen with his project.

-Where is he, Boris?

-He's at the back, there, trying to rip this.

Boris, what have you got to say? I'm a bit upset.

Well, when you left I said, "Can we do some homework?"

-she went, "Don't, it's for nunnies."

-I did not say.

Ripping up my exercise books. I was like, "I've got to hand that in tomorrow."

I look up, she's run upstairs and she was in your cupboard, got your wedding dress and said...

Where would I even know where to get it from?

She took this picture then put me under her dress and I was suffocating.

Can I just say something? This is total rubbish, I never...

I haven't been anywhere near...

Why would I even go upstairs? I haven't been upstairs, he said he bought this off eBay for £12.50.

It's my designer wedding dress.

I didn't know.

I swear to God on my life, trying to get his homework done.

Can we salsa dance again?

No! I was trying to help him...

Boris, stop it.

He told me to put this dress on,

I had no idea that it was your dress and he squirted me with ketchup.

-Becky.

-What?

-Can I have a hug?

-No, you can't.

-Can I have a hug?

I'm really angry, to be quite honest, I was trying to help him with his homework, I didn't know.

Becky, do you want me to take a picture of you?

Slaphead, starring Slaphead.

And special guest, Kim the stylist.

The new tenant.

Starring a house-hunting medium.

And special guest, Neil, the estate agent.

New Age Ross is house hunting

and it's Neil's job to sell him one

but Ross is more interested in what the spirits have to say.

Do you know why the current owners are renting the place out?

No.

Do you know if they've been happy?

-I imagine they have yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I mean it looks like a happy house so...

I'm sensing something quite sad that took place.

Going to look upstairs?

Great.

There's many spirits in this room,

-there's a beautiful lady that I can see here called Rosemary.

-Right.

-Rosemary, she thinks we should take the place.

-That's good, yeah.

In fact, Neil, could you just give me one minute on my own in the room,

just to deal with the spirit, just to get a feel for the energy.

-Yeah.

-Thank, you thank you.

-I tell you what, cos I need to get some pictures so I'll just quickly set up downstairs so...

-Sure. OK.

MUMBLING UPSTAIRS

Fuck!

Ross, what you doing?!

Oh, Ross.

HE SQUEALS

What the fuck?

Dan you've got to get here, mate, this guy's a...

He's got like skulls and shit on the floor. Dan, come here quick, man!

Oh, the geezer's just like...

Dan, seriously, mate, you better come here now.

HOWLING

Oh, Dan, man, this geezer's just fucking...

Shall I ring the police?

Oh, I'm going to ring the police, mate.

What have you done to the landlord's sheet?

Ross, what are you doing?

Ross, we've gotta go, we've gotta leave.

You can't do this.

Ross!

Ross? You've gotta get up, you've gotta leave.

I don't want to be negative but I don't think this house is the right house for me.

That's fine, mate, you've gotta go though, seriously you can't...

Hello, Darren?

I need somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet, yeah?

-Right, OK.

-Er, OK.

Blind date disaster.

Starring a single white male,

an entire restaurant who are wise to the scam,

and the hapless, helpless Holly.

Holly's very best friends have set her up on the very worst blind date.

There's no love on the menu tonight though, only mayhem.

Cheers, glad to see you.

Go on then, let me hear your Ringo Starr.

I used to be a Beatle.

Holly's about to meet an unexpected guest.

Do you want to, do you want to see him?

Go on, let me see him.

Da daaa!

That's uncle Richard and Ross is explaining how he employs the puppet

to educate young people about the perils and pitfalls of growing up.

So what would your set be? OK, say,

I'm a child, eight years old, and I wanted to start smoking or I wanted to smoke,

how would you advise me not to smoke?

That is very interesting because we would do this with a game we'd do with the kids.

What's the game?

It's just say no words and guess what I'm on.

OK, I'm intrigued, go on.

Uncle Richard,

are you ready to take your first drug?

Here we go,

you've gotta guess what he's on.

OK.

-I can't remember what I'm laughing at.

-You what?

I can't remember what I'm laughing at.

Is there a garage around here?

Got any chocolate?

Got any chocolate, what am I on?

Wow, oh, don't ask me, I don't know anything about drugs.

-I am off my tits...

-Yes.

..on marijuana.

But then wouldn't most drugs make you like that,

paranoid and...

They're all so different, you see, this is why we do this exercise.

Uncle Richard, are you ready to take your next drug?

Wow wow, I tell you what, I am the funniest person in this restaurant,

Oh, everything... Look at that, it's mental, in't it? Everything I say is absolutely amazing!

Oh, God, I'm just mad for it, I'm just going to go to the toilet.

Wow, outburst.

-Where was I? Oh, yeah, oh, my head I'm not talking about...

-Excuse me.

Oi, shut it! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a serious conversation?

Excuse me, can you not be so rude.

-Rude cow.

-Sssshh.

-We're just doing a bit of...

-Excuse me.

-..role playing, sorry.

OK, can you maybe just keep it down a little bit?

-There's other people here.

-OK, sorry about that.

Ssshhh.

Stupid bitch!

-Oh, I'm just going to the toilet.

-Sssshhh.

Eh, what you looking at?

Get on with your dinner and on with your Lego-haired bird,

cheeky bastard!

Ha ha, I'm so funny, I'm going to go to the toilet.

-Uncle Richard needs to go. Seriously, no, now.

-What am I on?

-Uncle Richard needs to go.

-I am off my tits...

-You are, but Uncle Richard needs to go now.

-..on cocaine.

Yep. Uncle Richard needs to go.

Sorry.

The kids do love that one though, they respond well.

I have to admit though, you can't do that here,

you can't, you really, really can't.

Not in here.

No, no, I'm not kidding now, seriously.

He does do a friendlier, more fun thing that...

And I swear you...

Not here, definitely not here.

CLEARS THROAT Sssshhh.

No.

# As we get older our bodies start to grow... #

-No, honestly.

-# It happens to our chest and dangly bits below

# Boys stat to smell and their voices start to crack

-# As their testicles bulge in their ever growing sack... #

-Seriously, no.

# But it's as simple as ABC

# We all need to go through puberty

# Ba ba ba bum bum... #

No, stop, stop, seriously now.

# Girls grow boobies Boys get hairy legs

# Girls grow ovaries so they can grow eggs

# They get bad tempered as the blood starts to stream

# And boys will want to change their sheets after a wet dream

# It's as simple as ABC

# We all need to go through puberty

# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, boo! #

Holly, Holly, don't go!

Holly?

Holly do you fancy a...

fancy a threesome?

The bargain hunter.

Starring a very unreasonable man

and waiting in the wings is James the shopkeeper,

a very reasonable man.

There we are, you're a scholar and a gentleman, thank you very much indeed.

I'll take that and I'll, er, take that, thank you very much.

And I'll have the 50% discount.

What's that?

Well, it's...

I can't do that.

Legs, 100% knackered.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Discount requested 50%.

You do the math, pal.

You doing the math?

Mmm.

I can't give discounts to people, I'm not the manager.

-So you are not going to give me my 50% discount, is that correct?

-Yeah.

Ooo, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Now look what's happened.

Hello? Ambulance chasing, no win, no fee solicitors?

Yes?

I was just wheeling myself around a hardware store when I was impaled

by a loosely hanging screwdriver,

what's that you say?

£1 million compensation.

Sue them for £1 million all you like.

The chances of that happening again?

Yes, I think that's very highly likely, yes.

I don't quite understand why you've just done that.

If I can't sway you I'll have to pay the full price.

-What's the price, £14.99?

-£14.99 yeah.

There we are, sir, thank you very much.

-I'll leave these out of the bag.

-Yeah.

-Take them as they are.

Give me a hand out the door if that's all right?

Toodle pip, sir.

It's PC gone mad.

Introducing a very special constable and boy racin' Jason.

Is this your vehicle sir?

Yes.

I was worried you were going to say that.

Therefore it is my civic duty to inform you that this car is shit.

You what?

It's an utter piece of metallically-painted metal crap that could only be driven

by a cock-smoking metrosexual hair dressing ponce like your good self.

Therefore I'd like you to scrap this monstrosity

and buy something that won't make your parents ashamed

that you all share the same DNA, do you understand?

-I'm doing you a favour.

-What's that then?

You're lucky that I didn't nick you

for driving under the influence of looking like a cock.

Now move along, before I change my mind.

Meet the movie buff.

Starring the new boyfriend.

His accomplice, Kelly and the innocent, Adam and Nicole.

A toast I think to, er, well, meeting the family.

Now listen, Kelly's not really Ross's girlfriend

but she's set up her sister Nicola and her sisters fiance Adam

and said she is his girlfriend so she can invite them to her house for lunch

so he can meet them for the very first time. Got that? Splendid.

Are you hungry? Shall I serve the food?

Yeah, whenever you're ready.

I want to go to the toilet, I'll be two seconds sorry.

So far they're having a wonderful evening

and it's high time for some movie chat.

Any Jodie Foster fans out there?

Talking of films, I watched an amazing movie last night that I've never seen before,

um, God, what was it called?

There was a...

There's a policewoman and she's not been doing it,

she's not been on the job that long,

there's a chap who's like in prison, er, and they keep going to visit him,

there's this really made scene in it where there's a bloke and he's like,

he's sewing stuff together.

There's a girl in a hole,

hang on a minute, hang on, I've got an idea hang on, hang on.

-Are you two all right?

-Yeah, yeah, fine.

Hang on one second, one second.

What was on the telly last night?

There was a movie, erm...

I flipped over and it said psychological thriller.

That's why I was trying to think what it was. I've probably got it on DVD.

OK, where's my sister?

I'm leaving.

Oh, I've got it, Silence Of the lambs.

It's a shame they didn't stick around for a nice Chianti and some fava beans.

Fa, fa, fa, fa...

The blockage.

Starring a plucky plumber,

a troublesome toilet.

And playing herself, Jaclyn.

the office temp.

-Hello.

-Hi there.

Right, so I hear that you're blocked?

Yes, we'll, I'm just temping.

-Right.

-This is the offending toilet in here.

-This is the offending toilet? I'll get to work then, thanks very much.

-OK, bye.

Excuse me love, er well, I don't suppose you've got any reason why you know that would be...

Oh, my God, a fish?

It looks like a sardine, or is it a sprat?

Sprat? Yeah, or actually it looks like a sardine to me.

-I mean, the thing is I know that's not actually big enough to block.

-Block it.

-The toilet so...

Why is there a fish down there?

Can I leave that with you, is that OK?

If you just pop it on some paper, right,

I'm going to continue with my investigations.

Never know, might find it's mum and dad there.

You never know, love.

-Might find a cod and a salmon!

-You never know.

-You could have dinner.

Bugger me!

What the hell is that?

Oh, hey!

Aren't you a handsome fella?

I don't, I don't believe that, I don't believe.

I'm just going to have to air this out a bit.

Right, it's nothing to worry about, so the toilets now unblocked,

I've put the blockage on the floor

so if you tell the cleaners

-they'll get rid of the blockage for you.

-OK.

-You'll have no more problems now.

That's the most peculiar thing I've ever seen in my life.

Unbelievable.

-Well, have a good day anyway.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

Oh, my God!

Hello...

Hello.

Well, I never.

Oh... oh.

Emma, please come back, there is a fucking penguin

wandering around with toilet tissue stuck to it.

# Just the two of us... #

You have been watching...

There's cameras here.

I'm tripping out.

There's cameras there.

She put it up her bum.

The most fucked up thing I've ever witnessed.

There's cameras, we've been looking at you the whole time.

No! Will I be on TV?

I'm very gullible, this is not good for me!

Give me a kiss.

Next time on The Pranker...

Keris! Keris!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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