Episode 2 The Pranker


Episode 2

Ross Lee's hidden camera comedy show. A talented musician displays his virtuosity with a very 'hairy' performance and Mikael the masseur gets his mitts on another man's girlfriend.


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Transcript


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Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

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He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his pray.

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A master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity.

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This is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

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This programme contains some strong language and some adult humour.

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Shouldn't take too long, I don't want you to get hurt.

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-Have you got more proof?

-I intend to call the police.

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Do you mind just watching my instrument for me, please?

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Carys! Carys!

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Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, then play on."

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Amanda is about to witness a performance that will definitely put her off her lunch.

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Excuse me. Would you mind watching my instrument for me for one second?

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-Lavatory's not big enough for the both of us.

-OK.

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Thank you.

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NOTES PLAY

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HE PLAYS A TUNE

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I, er, never knew I could do that.

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Skinny scally Ross has just racked up a big fat £16 cab fare

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and told Howard he needs to nip into the house to get some cash.

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-All right, mate?

-Yeah, I've come about the fare for the cab.

-Sorry, mate?

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Ross, he's just come in here. He's got to pay the cab.

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Ross is my... Our kid, right?

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Bloke with the white cap on.

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He's not in here now, I've been up since...

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-Definitely not, I wasn't expecting him back. He's just come in now?

-Yeah.

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He says he's got to see his brother to get the money off him for the cab.

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-How much does he owe you for the taxi?

-£16.

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He's a little shit, I tell ya.

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Well, it's got to be paid, mate, otherwise I've got to call the police.

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-Do you want a stereo?

-No.

-Here's a fiver, you can have that.

-It's £16 or the police are here.

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My sister's upstairs, yeah? I'll see if she's got some dough. Can you just bear with us?

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-I'll give you two minutes then I'm calling the police.

-I'll get the money off her now.

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-So, what can I do for you?

-Well, I need paying for the cab fare.

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I haven't ordered a cab.

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-No. Ross has.

-Ross isn't here.

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That your car?

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-Yeah.

-Nice.

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-Me boyfriend's just got a Mondeo.

-Are you paying or not? Yes or no?

-Have you got any more proof than that?

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Right, I intend to call the police. You're taking the piss.

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-I've got the money.

-Pay now or the police are coming, I'm not messing.

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I'm going to get it right now. I'm going to get it. I'm getting it, I'm getting it right now.

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Right, hang on. Me nana's got it. Hang on a minute.

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-Nana! He needs the money!

-You've got one minute.

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-Hey up, love.

-Yes?

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Right, look, sorry about this.

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I want to get this straight. You've had our Ross, right, little bastard, in your car. He owes you 16...

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-Have you got £16?

-16 quid.

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-Well, I just wanted to make sure you were who you were saying you are.

-You know who I am.

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I don't know who you are. Oi, look. Here, don't go. Look, I've got some meat here.

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Do you want some meat instead? Nice fresh pork.

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Oh, not good enough for you, is it? Right. Supper time.

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# Grandma, we love you... #

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All right, pal? Er, how much is it to dry-clean a shirt?

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Just, er, 5.50.

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Right. Well, the thing is, this is my lucky pulling shirt.

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Every time I put this shirt on, the dreams of a special little lady come true.

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So if it gets damaged, there will be a lot of ladies out there that are also quite damaged, yeah?

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The last time I wore it, the night got a bit messy, right?

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And the shirt ended up getting covered in stains, as you see. Like here, dry sherry.

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-And that's frosted pink lipstick.

-Yeah.

-You see, there?

-I see.

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And then if you smell this, smell it.

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-It's got a faint smell of mothballs, yeah?

-Yeah.

-So, will that come out?

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-Yeah, definitely. It should be fine.

-So, tomorrow night, I can be back loving some ladies?

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-Yeah.

-Great.

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-You got a telephone number, please?

-Right, 063...

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# Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow... #

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Oh, sorry. 07749...

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# Girl, you know I'm loving your Loving your style... #

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29... Phhh!

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-I'm sorry, I've completely lost it.

-That's OK.

-Can you just excuse me, just for one second.

-Yeah.

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-There's just something I really have to do.

-OK.

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Ooh!

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# Lift us up where we belong

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# Where the eagles fly

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# On a mountain high... #

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Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. But this is, if I'm not mistaken...

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That is a 1932 Great Yarmouth vintage.

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You can't beat an older lady with experience. You know what I'm saying?

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Oh, yes. Wonderful.

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Oooh, oh!

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-You OK?

-I'm fine, thank you.

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I only came in to pick up my gimp mask.

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Hello?

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Hello. Please state the name of the name of the person that you are here to see.

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Joanna Edwards.

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Error. Two names quoted. Please state one name only.

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Edwards.

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Edward. Please state the surname.

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No. Joanna Edwards.

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Please state one name only.

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Joanna. Oh, for God's sake.

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Jo Ellery. Is that correct?

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No.

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Are you, A - a business associate,

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B - a delivery person,

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C - a friend or D - none of the above.

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B - delivery.

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Thank you.

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D - none of the listed options.

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Goodbye.

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This poodle perm patron wants to buy new instruments.

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Like any sensible shopper, he won't buy anything without trying it first.

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-All right, mate. Am I OK just having a look around?

-Yeah, sure.

-Wicked.

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In fact, if you just give me a little run down, would be great.

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On. Right.

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Wicked, mate. Wicked. I'll just, er...

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HE SINGS A SCALE # Ahh, ahhh, ahhh!

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# Haah! Haah!

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# Haa! Haaa! Haa!

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# Haa! Haa! Haa!

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LOUDER: # Haa! Haa! Haa!

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# Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!

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# Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!

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HIGH-PITCHED: # Haaaaaa! #

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Yeah, but I'd have it that loud.

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Just like Hendrix that, in't it?

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If I want to buy it, I want to try it.

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Drums.

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Can I just have a little... Just a tiny...

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All right.

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Thank you, Wembley!

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-See you later! I tell you what...

-I'm calling security, mate.

-I've tried it, I don't want to buy it.

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-Hello.

-I need to commandeer your computer for important police business, OK?

-Yeah.

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Thank you. Right, treacle. If you stand here. Shouldn't take too long, I don't want you to get hurt.

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Yeah, 693. At the computer. If you could just confirm the address?

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-I believe it was something to do with YouTube, over?

-'771, roger that.'

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"Sneezing Panda", yes? Over.

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'That's correct. 771, roger that.'

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Right, OK. I'm now looking at a very large panda - black-and-white, fat little thing.

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There's a little baby in front... HE LAUGHS

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The baby has just sneezed. The panda has just jumped a mile.

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Do you have any more? Over.

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'Roger that, 771.

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'"Charlie Bit Finger". Over.'

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Love, this is very important. If you wouldn't mind just going to make me a cup of tea.

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Two sugars. That would be lovely. Thank you very much.

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"Evolution Of Dance."

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-I can't find the tea bags.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Do you do this often?

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Listen, love, I do advise you in future though to always make sure you know where the tea bags are, yes?

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-OK.

-OK. Now, go carefully.

-OK.

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What the hell just happened?

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# Blud, when you hear them sirens coming

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# I can hear them sirens coming... #

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This sorry soul is sadly unable to move his arms

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and is offering to paint portraits using his left foot for only £10.

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Carys is impressed by the paintings on display and is now

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eagerly awaiting a beautiful portrait of her lovely self.

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So, when did you discover you could do this with your foot?

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You learn these things, it's all about training.

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Er, Hannah, could I just have a quick drink, please?

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I'm just getting the fine detail in now.

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I just need to use some very soft, subtle strokes to bring out the beautiful pigmentation in your eyes.

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-Carys, are you ready to have a look?

-Are you finished?

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What do you think of that, then?

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What's that?

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-You're speechless!

-I was thinking, that's brilliant for your foot.

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I tell you, that's exactly what I think, eh?

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-Thank you.

-Are you pleased?

-Yeah, thank you so much.

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£10 please, Carys. Carys!

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Carys!

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Carys, oi! Oi! Oi!

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Carys! Carys!

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You can't just walk here without...

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Ten quid! Carys!

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-Lets propose a toast.

-All right.

-To finally meeting my lovely girlfriend's folks.

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Ross isn't really Gemma's boyfriend, but she's told her folks he is,

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so he can invite them to his house for lunch and meet them for the very first time.

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Got that? Good, let's eat.

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Do you like pasta?

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We're not fussy with food...

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Top of the Pops was the thing...

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I'm into Dean Martin now.

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Dean Martin? I'm only kidding.

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So far they're having a lovely evening.

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Shall we eat?

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-What a lovely segue, there.

-I'm going to go to the toilet first.

-All right? We'll give it two minutes.

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But it's now time for some movie chat.

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Do you like movies?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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I'm the biggest video fan and I have to say I saw this video the other night.

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And it was weird. It was amazing. You know, I'd really recommend it.

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There's a girl

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and she's, er, she's in this bed.

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And she's sat there and she's not very well.

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And there's a priest in there and her voice goes really weird. It's like...

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"Errrr, rrrrr, rrrr."

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-Oh, yeah.

-It's one of the devil films, isn't it?

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"Arrrr, rrrrr, rrrr, rrrrr. Rarrrrgh."

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And then, she's got, like, a nightie on, right? In the bed.

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And she does this down the stairs, right? You must've seen it.

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And her skin's all like...

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Oh, it's like... She's got all this... Oh, it's like this.

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It's like this, yeah?

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So she's in this bed and she's going, "Aaahh! Aaahh!"

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and then she starts saying all these horrible, horrible words.

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"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

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"Your mother sucks cocks in hell! Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

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"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"

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Oh, I know what it was. The Exorcist!

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-Would you like a tortilla chip?

-I'm fine, thanks.

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-How are you both today? Are you all right?

-Yeah, we're fine.

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Georgina has set up her boyfriend Mark

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because he turns into a green-eyed monster when other chaps pay her attention.

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She's brought him along to enjoy a massage.

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He's no need to stress because the masseuse Mikael is very obviously gay...ish.

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Ooh, that's lovely. I could eat you alive.

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Here look at him, looking a bit bad tempered.

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What? No I'm... I've never said...

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Like, a bloke sniffing me missus's neck. You know what I mean?

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No, it's OK. I'm gay.

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-Oh, right.

-You see, around here, around this area here...

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-Yeah.

-..there's definitely a knot.

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Now listen, I'm just going to try something here. If you don't mind.

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Oh, yeah. Does that feel any different?

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It does. It feels more supported, actually, yeah.

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If that weight is lifted up, you'll feel less pressure.

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Pop yourself behind that screen, right?

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-I'm going give you something that just might help. Be a bit more comfortable for you.

-Oh, right.

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There you go, right?

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Before you put that on, I just want to take a photograph, right?

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-Yeah.

-What? What's that for?

-Well, what it is, you see,

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she can then look at the picture and she can see how she's holding herself.

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She can also see where the stress lines are, right?

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So stand up nice and straight.

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And just put one hand on your hip.

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-That's it.

-On her hip?

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Come on, that's it. There we go.

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Some nice relaxing music should do the trick.

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SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

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What I need to do is film this treatment, this process.

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-Yeah.

-Is that all right? So, er...

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Sounds like porno music.

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Move your hips a bit.

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-Right, how does that feel?

-Why is she moving her hips?

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Are you all right there?

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-Not really.

-You will be. Don't you worry.

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I'm just going to pop that over there. You relax.

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There we go. Right, OK.

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Right, take that off. Oh, fantastic. Aren't they? They're really soft.

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What? What are you touching?

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-You what, mate?

-"You all right, mate?" Yeah. What you touching? What's really soft?

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-It's OK, I'm gay.

-Fuck me. If you're gay, I'm the queen.

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-There we go. Pull that.

-Pull what?!

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Do you want to just come round the screen slowly.

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That's it.

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Oh, fantastic. How does that feel?

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-Feels great.

-Right.

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-Right, listen now.

-Walk slowly towards the camera.

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-Something ain't right here.

-Just relax, calm down.

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How can I relax when you're filming my missus dressed like that, to bloody porno music?

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-It's couples massage music, don't you worry.

-Bollocks.

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-Go and get fucking changed.

-I'm just going to get down low, down here. Right, there we go.

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-Go and get fucking changed.

-Walk past.

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Slower, slower.

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What?!

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-Feel better now, do you?

-Its OK, I'm gay.

0:19:580:20:03

I was wondering if you could help me. I've got a bit of a problem

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-and I was just wondering if you've got anything for it.

-OK.

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It's a bit embarrassing, it's a lump that's come up on my chest.

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-I say a lump, it's more like two lumps.

-Right.

-Can I show you?

-Sure.

-Is that OK?

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Let me just, er...

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Right, have you got anything for this?

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Definitely not.

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No.

0:20:440:20:45

-How long has that been there?

-Well, a couple of months now.

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-Have you been to a doctor about it?

-Not yet, no.

-You certainly need to go.

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When I get cold...

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..they shrink. They retract, sort of, into my body.

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-This is something I've never seen. Certainly there'll be no creams for that.

-OK.

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The other thing I've noticed - I don't know whether it's related -

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is if I cough, they sort of rise upwards and then drop down.

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If you watch...

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What do you think it might be?

0:21:200:21:22

Could be some sort of tumorous growth.

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Maybe not a deadly cancer, but some sort of growth.

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You can't treat this over the counter.

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Why would it be that every time I listen to,

0:21:300:21:34

say, hip hop music I get a strong urge to hold them.

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I don't know.

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-No idea.

-Strange.

-Yeah.

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-OK. Well, thank you so much for trying to help me.

-No problem. It's fine.

-I appreciate that.

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-It's driving me nuts. But thank you very much.

-OK.

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Stephanie's friends have set her up on a blind date from hell.

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What lovely friends.

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Cousin Dan says, "Oh, you're going to bloody love her. She looks just like Pink."

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-You're better-looking than Pink.

-Oh, shush.

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So far, they're enjoying the restaurant.

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But Ross has chosen it because he has a score to settle.

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My mum and dad were only here last week in this restaurant.

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But, er, me mum came in that night crying her eyes out. Absolutely crying her eyes out.

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Me mum heard the chef go, "This is for the old lady over there that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp."

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He's not looking for romance. He's looking for revenge.

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Hello. Are you... Are you ready for your order?

0:22:490:22:52

-Sorry, I just appear to have, um, ripped the, er...

-Oh.

0:22:520:22:57

I must've caught it under the bread, sorry about that. Can I give you that back?

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-Yeah, don't worry. That's OK.

-Right do you know what you're...

0:23:010:23:04

Yeah. Can I have the tuna and shrimp, please?

0:23:040:23:07

Two of those. I'll have the same, thank you very much.

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-Tuna and shrimp.

-Fantastic, thank you very much.

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-And tuna and shrimp pizza for you as well.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy.

-That's great.

0:23:130:23:19

It's a little... It's like a little tiny blow torch, right?

0:23:220:23:26

-Oh, don't.

-No, that's all right. Look at that. See what...

0:23:260:23:31

Wow, look at that.

0:23:350:23:37

Excuse me. Hi, this pizza, it's all burnt in the middle.

0:23:400:23:45

Look at that. It's like rock hard. Can I swap that please, for a....

0:23:450:23:48

-Yeah, sure.

-It's almost like you've got a very small cooker in there,

0:23:480:23:51

only concentrating on one bit of the pizza.

0:23:510:23:54

-Right.

-No.

-We're going to get some Champagne now.

0:23:540:23:56

-No, no.

-Trust me. All you've got to do is just bang me on my back. Are you ready?

0:23:560:24:00

-HE PRETENDS TO CHOKE

-No, don't. Please.

0:24:000:24:03

Excuse me, are you OK? You all right?

0:24:100:24:14

-Oh, my goodness.

-What is that? What is that doing in my pizza? A Monopoly house.

0:24:140:24:19

-I mean, it looks like a Monopoly house.

-I don't even play Monopoly. How much is that worth in Monopoly?

0:24:190:24:24

-I don't know.

-Can I offer you something as a...

0:24:240:24:28

-You know?

-Yes, please.

-To say sorry, basically.

-Yes, please.

0:24:280:24:32

It's a result, isn't it?

0:24:320:24:33

If you say so.

0:24:330:24:36

I'm just going to go to the lavatory. I'll be right back.

0:24:360:24:40

I just got this out of the toilet.

0:24:470:24:50

Sssh. Amazing.

0:24:500:24:52

-Did I get your feet?

-No.

-OK.

0:24:560:24:59

I don't know about you, but I'm going get out of here, right?

0:25:000:25:03

-This is the plan.

-No, stop it. I don't want to do anything else.

0:25:030:25:06

Seriously.

0:25:060:25:09

This is the restaurant, right?

0:25:090:25:10

Right, we're there.

0:25:100:25:12

I'll go down here, cause a little distraction,

0:25:120:25:14

And then we're out of here. And you just need to follow me, OK?

0:25:140:25:18

-No, I'm not doing anything.

-Are you ready?

-No.

0:25:180:25:21

Stephanie.

0:25:230:25:24

HE COUGHS

0:25:240:25:26

GUNSHOT / GASPS

0:25:280:25:30

Come on, what you waiting... Text us!

0:25:400:25:43

You have been watching...

0:25:500:25:52

-What do you mean we're on TV?

-You buggers.

0:25:520:25:55

-Why did I deserve it?

-Because...

0:25:550:25:58

..we just need you to have some fun.

0:26:000:26:01

And then he started, like, pulling out hair from his trousers.

0:26:010:26:05

Oh, bloody hell.

0:26:050:26:08

It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

0:26:080:26:10

-You didn't know what to think, did you?

-No.

0:26:100:26:13

This is weird. Maybe we should go.

0:26:130:26:14

You're on a hidden-camera show on BBC Three.

0:26:140:26:19

You're a fucking prick!

0:26:190:26:20

-And you're right, I'm not actually gay.

-Oh, fucking hell!

0:26:200:26:25

Next time on The Pranker.

0:26:250:26:26

It's OK, mate, I'm gay.

0:26:290:26:31

Fuck off and die.

0:26:330:26:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:450:26:48

E-mail [email protected]

0:26:480:26:51

A talented musician displays his virtuosity with a very 'hairy' performance, Mikael the masseur gets his mitts on another man's girlfriend and the Granny Magnet gets busy with someone's grandma.


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