Episode 2 The Pranker

Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his pray.

A master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity.

This is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

This programme contains some strong language and some adult humour.

Shouldn't take too long, I don't want you to get hurt.

-Have you got more proof?

-I intend to call the police.

Do you mind just watching my instrument for me, please?

Carys! Carys!

Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, then play on."

Amanda is about to witness a performance that will definitely put her off her lunch.

Excuse me. Would you mind watching my instrument for me for one second?

-Lavatory's not big enough for the both of us.

-OK.

Thank you.

NOTES PLAY

HE PLAYS A TUNE

I, er, never knew I could do that.

Skinny scally Ross has just racked up a big fat £16 cab fare

and told Howard he needs to nip into the house to get some cash.

-All right, mate?

-Yeah, I've come about the fare for the cab.

-Sorry, mate?

Ross, he's just come in here. He's got to pay the cab.

Ross is my... Our kid, right?

Bloke with the white cap on.

He's not in here now, I've been up since...

-Definitely not, I wasn't expecting him back. He's just come in now?

-Yeah.

He says he's got to see his brother to get the money off him for the cab.

-How much does he owe you for the taxi?

-£16.

He's a little shit, I tell ya.

Well, it's got to be paid, mate, otherwise I've got to call the police.

-Do you want a stereo?

-No.

-Here's a fiver, you can have that.

-It's £16 or the police are here.

My sister's upstairs, yeah? I'll see if she's got some dough. Can you just bear with us?

-I'll give you two minutes then I'm calling the police.

-I'll get the money off her now.

-So, what can I do for you?

-Well, I need paying for the cab fare.

I haven't ordered a cab.

-No. Ross has.

-Ross isn't here.

That your car?

-Yeah.

-Nice.

-Me boyfriend's just got a Mondeo.

-Are you paying or not? Yes or no?

-Have you got any more proof than that?

Right, I intend to call the police. You're taking the piss.

-I've got the money.

-Pay now or the police are coming, I'm not messing.

I'm going to get it right now. I'm going to get it. I'm getting it, I'm getting it right now.

Right, hang on. Me nana's got it. Hang on a minute.

-Nana! He needs the money!

-You've got one minute.

-Hey up, love.

-Yes?

Right, look, sorry about this.

I want to get this straight. You've had our Ross, right, little bastard, in your car. He owes you 16...

-Have you got £16?

-16 quid.

-Well, I just wanted to make sure you were who you were saying you are.

-You know who I am.

I don't know who you are. Oi, look. Here, don't go. Look, I've got some meat here.

Do you want some meat instead? Nice fresh pork.

Oh, not good enough for you, is it? Right. Supper time.

# Grandma, we love you... #

All right, pal? Er, how much is it to dry-clean a shirt?

Just, er, 5.50.

Right. Well, the thing is, this is my lucky pulling shirt.

Every time I put this shirt on, the dreams of a special little lady come true.

So if it gets damaged, there will be a lot of ladies out there that are also quite damaged, yeah?

The last time I wore it, the night got a bit messy, right?

And the shirt ended up getting covered in stains, as you see. Like here, dry sherry.

-And that's frosted pink lipstick.

-Yeah.

-You see, there?

-I see.

And then if you smell this, smell it.

-It's got a faint smell of mothballs, yeah?

-Yeah.

-So, will that come out?

-Yeah, definitely. It should be fine.

-So, tomorrow night, I can be back loving some ladies?

-Yeah.

-Great.

-You got a telephone number, please?

-Right, 063...

# Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow... #

Oh, sorry. 07749...

# Girl, you know I'm loving your Loving your style... #

29... Phhh!

-I'm sorry, I've completely lost it.

-That's OK.

-Can you just excuse me, just for one second.

-Yeah.

-There's just something I really have to do.

-OK.

Ooh!

# Lift us up where we belong

# Where the eagles fly

# On a mountain high... #

Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. But this is, if I'm not mistaken...

That is a 1932 Great Yarmouth vintage.

You can't beat an older lady with experience. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yes. Wonderful.

Oooh, oh!

-You OK?

-I'm fine, thank you.

I only came in to pick up my gimp mask.

Hello?

Hello. Please state the name of the name of the person that you are here to see.

Joanna Edwards.

Error. Two names quoted. Please state one name only.

Edwards.

Edward. Please state the surname.

No. Joanna Edwards.

Please state one name only.

Joanna. Oh, for God's sake.

Jo Ellery. Is that correct?

No.

Are you, A - a business associate,

B - a delivery person,

C - a friend or D - none of the above.

B - delivery.

Thank you.

D - none of the listed options.

Goodbye.

This poodle perm patron wants to buy new instruments.

Like any sensible shopper, he won't buy anything without trying it first.

-All right, mate. Am I OK just having a look around?

-Yeah, sure.

-Wicked.

In fact, if you just give me a little run down, would be great.

On. Right.

Wicked, mate. Wicked. I'll just, er...

HE SINGS A SCALE # Ahh, ahhh, ahhh!

# Haah! Haah!

# Haa! Haaa! Haa!

# Haa! Haa! Haa!

LOUDER: # Haa! Haa! Haa!

# Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!

# Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!

HIGH-PITCHED: # Haaaaaa! #

Yeah, but I'd have it that loud.

Just like Hendrix that, in't it?

If I want to buy it, I want to try it.

Drums.

Can I just have a little... Just a tiny...

All right.

Thank you, Wembley!

-See you later! I tell you what...

-I'm calling security, mate.

-I've tried it, I don't want to buy it.

-Hello.

-I need to commandeer your computer for important police business, OK?

-Yeah.

Thank you. Right, treacle. If you stand here. Shouldn't take too long, I don't want you to get hurt.

Yeah, 693. At the computer. If you could just confirm the address?

-I believe it was something to do with YouTube, over?

-'771, roger that.'

"Sneezing Panda", yes? Over.

'That's correct. 771, roger that.'

Right, OK. I'm now looking at a very large panda - black-and-white, fat little thing.

There's a little baby in front... HE LAUGHS

The baby has just sneezed. The panda has just jumped a mile.

Do you have any more? Over.

'Roger that, 771.

'"Charlie Bit Finger". Over.'

Love, this is very important. If you wouldn't mind just going to make me a cup of tea.

Two sugars. That would be lovely. Thank you very much.

"Evolution Of Dance."

-I can't find the tea bags.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Do you do this often?

Listen, love, I do advise you in future though to always make sure you know where the tea bags are, yes?

-OK.

-OK. Now, go carefully.

-OK.

What the hell just happened?

# Blud, when you hear them sirens coming

# I can hear them sirens coming... #

This sorry soul is sadly unable to move his arms

and is offering to paint portraits using his left foot for only £10.

Carys is impressed by the paintings on display and is now

eagerly awaiting a beautiful portrait of her lovely self.

So, when did you discover you could do this with your foot?

You learn these things, it's all about training.

Er, Hannah, could I just have a quick drink, please?

I'm just getting the fine detail in now.

I just need to use some very soft, subtle strokes to bring out the beautiful pigmentation in your eyes.

-Carys, are you ready to have a look?

-Are you finished?

What do you think of that, then?

What's that?

-You're speechless!

-I was thinking, that's brilliant for your foot.

I tell you, that's exactly what I think, eh?

-Thank you.

-Are you pleased?

-Yeah, thank you so much.

£10 please, Carys. Carys!

Carys!

Carys, oi! Oi! Oi!

Carys! Carys!

You can't just walk here without...

Ten quid! Carys!

-Lets propose a toast.

-All right.

-To finally meeting my lovely girlfriend's folks.

Ross isn't really Gemma's boyfriend, but she's told her folks he is,

so he can invite them to his house for lunch and meet them for the very first time.

Got that? Good, let's eat.

Do you like pasta?

We're not fussy with food...

Top of the Pops was the thing...

I'm into Dean Martin now.

Dean Martin? I'm only kidding.

So far they're having a lovely evening.

Shall we eat?

-What a lovely segue, there.

-I'm going to go to the toilet first.

-All right? We'll give it two minutes.

But it's now time for some movie chat.

Do you like movies?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I'm the biggest video fan and I have to say I saw this video the other night.

And it was weird. It was amazing. You know, I'd really recommend it.

There's a girl

and she's, er, she's in this bed.

And she's sat there and she's not very well.

And there's a priest in there and her voice goes really weird. It's like...

"Errrr, rrrrr, rrrr."

-Oh, yeah.

-It's one of the devil films, isn't it?

"Arrrr, rrrrr, rrrr, rrrrr. Rarrrrgh."

And then, she's got, like, a nightie on, right? In the bed.

And she does this down the stairs, right? You must've seen it.

And her skin's all like...

Oh, it's like... She's got all this... Oh, it's like this.

It's like this, yeah?

So she's in this bed and she's going, "Aaahh! Aaahh!"

and then she starts saying all these horrible, horrible words.

"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

"Your mother sucks cocks in hell! Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"

Oh, I know what it was. The Exorcist!

-Would you like a tortilla chip?

-I'm fine, thanks.

-How are you both today? Are you all right?

-Yeah, we're fine.

Georgina has set up her boyfriend Mark

because he turns into a green-eyed monster when other chaps pay her attention.

She's brought him along to enjoy a massage.

He's no need to stress because the masseuse Mikael is very obviously gay...ish.

Ooh, that's lovely. I could eat you alive.

Here look at him, looking a bit bad tempered.

What? No I'm... I've never said...

Like, a bloke sniffing me missus's neck. You know what I mean?

No, it's OK. I'm gay.

-Oh, right.

-You see, around here, around this area here...

-Yeah.

-..there's definitely a knot.

Now listen, I'm just going to try something here. If you don't mind.

Oh, yeah. Does that feel any different?

It does. It feels more supported, actually, yeah.

If that weight is lifted up, you'll feel less pressure.

Pop yourself behind that screen, right?

-I'm going give you something that just might help. Be a bit more comfortable for you.

-Oh, right.

There you go, right?

Before you put that on, I just want to take a photograph, right?

-Yeah.

-What? What's that for?

-Well, what it is, you see,

she can then look at the picture and she can see how she's holding herself.

She can also see where the stress lines are, right?

So stand up nice and straight.

And just put one hand on your hip.

-That's it.

-On her hip?

Come on, that's it. There we go.

Some nice relaxing music should do the trick.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

What I need to do is film this treatment, this process.

-Yeah.

-Is that all right? So, er...

Sounds like porno music.

Move your hips a bit.

-Right, how does that feel?

-Why is she moving her hips?

Are you all right there?

-Not really.

-You will be. Don't you worry.

I'm just going to pop that over there. You relax.

There we go. Right, OK.

Right, take that off. Oh, fantastic. Aren't they? They're really soft.

What? What are you touching?

-You what, mate?

-"You all right, mate?" Yeah. What you touching? What's really soft?

-It's OK, I'm gay.

-Fuck me. If you're gay, I'm the queen.

-There we go. Pull that.

-Pull what?!

Do you want to just come round the screen slowly.

That's it.

Oh, fantastic. How does that feel?

-Feels great.

-Right.

-Right, listen now.

-Walk slowly towards the camera.

-Something ain't right here.

-Just relax, calm down.

How can I relax when you're filming my missus dressed like that, to bloody porno music?

-It's couples massage music, don't you worry.

-Bollocks.

-Go and get fucking changed.

-I'm just going to get down low, down here. Right, there we go.

-Go and get fucking changed.

-Walk past.

Slower, slower.

What?!

-Feel better now, do you?

-Its OK, I'm gay.

I was wondering if you could help me. I've got a bit of a problem

-and I was just wondering if you've got anything for it.

-OK.

It's a bit embarrassing, it's a lump that's come up on my chest.

-I say a lump, it's more like two lumps.

-Right.

-Can I show you?

-Sure.

-Is that OK?

Let me just, er...

Right, have you got anything for this?

Definitely not.

No.

-How long has that been there?

-Well, a couple of months now.

-Have you been to a doctor about it?

-Not yet, no.

-You certainly need to go.

When I get cold...

..they shrink. They retract, sort of, into my body.

-This is something I've never seen. Certainly there'll be no creams for that.

-OK.

The other thing I've noticed - I don't know whether it's related -

is if I cough, they sort of rise upwards and then drop down.

If you watch...

What do you think it might be?

Could be some sort of tumorous growth.

Maybe not a deadly cancer, but some sort of growth.

You can't treat this over the counter.

Why would it be that every time I listen to,

say, hip hop music I get a strong urge to hold them.

I don't know.

-No idea.

-Strange.

-Yeah.

-OK. Well, thank you so much for trying to help me.

-No problem. It's fine.

-I appreciate that.

-It's driving me nuts. But thank you very much.

-OK.

Stephanie's friends have set her up on a blind date from hell.

What lovely friends.

Cousin Dan says, "Oh, you're going to bloody love her. She looks just like Pink."

-You're better-looking than Pink.

-Oh, shush.

So far, they're enjoying the restaurant.

But Ross has chosen it because he has a score to settle.

My mum and dad were only here last week in this restaurant.

But, er, me mum came in that night crying her eyes out. Absolutely crying her eyes out.

Me mum heard the chef go, "This is for the old lady over there that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp."

He's not looking for romance. He's looking for revenge.

Hello. Are you... Are you ready for your order?

-Sorry, I just appear to have, um, ripped the, er...

-Oh.

I must've caught it under the bread, sorry about that. Can I give you that back?

-Yeah, don't worry. That's OK.

-Right do you know what you're...

Yeah. Can I have the tuna and shrimp, please?

Two of those. I'll have the same, thank you very much.

-Tuna and shrimp.

-Fantastic, thank you very much.

-And tuna and shrimp pizza for you as well.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy.

-That's great.

It's a little... It's like a little tiny blow torch, right?

-Oh, don't.

-No, that's all right. Look at that. See what...

Wow, look at that.

Excuse me. Hi, this pizza, it's all burnt in the middle.

Look at that. It's like rock hard. Can I swap that please, for a....

-Yeah, sure.

-It's almost like you've got a very small cooker in there,

only concentrating on one bit of the pizza.

-Right.

-No.

-We're going to get some Champagne now.

-No, no.

-Trust me. All you've got to do is just bang me on my back. Are you ready?

-HE PRETENDS TO CHOKE

-No, don't. Please.

Excuse me, are you OK? You all right?

-Oh, my goodness.

-What is that? What is that doing in my pizza? A Monopoly house.

-I mean, it looks like a Monopoly house.

-I don't even play Monopoly. How much is that worth in Monopoly?

-I don't know.

-Can I offer you something as a...

-You know?

-Yes, please.

-To say sorry, basically.

-Yes, please.

It's a result, isn't it?

If you say so.

I'm just going to go to the lavatory. I'll be right back.

I just got this out of the toilet.

Sssh. Amazing.

-Did I get your feet?

-No.

-OK.

I don't know about you, but I'm going get out of here, right?

-This is the plan.

-No, stop it. I don't want to do anything else.

Seriously.

This is the restaurant, right?

Right, we're there.

I'll go down here, cause a little distraction,

And then we're out of here. And you just need to follow me, OK?

-No, I'm not doing anything.

-Are you ready?

-No.

Stephanie.

HE COUGHS

GUNSHOT / GASPS

Come on, what you waiting... Text us!

You have been watching...

-What do you mean we're on TV?

-You buggers.

-Why did I deserve it?

-Because...

..we just need you to have some fun.

And then he started, like, pulling out hair from his trousers.

Oh, bloody hell.

It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

-You didn't know what to think, did you?

-No.

This is weird. Maybe we should go.

You're on a hidden-camera show on BBC Three.

You're a fucking prick!

-And you're right, I'm not actually gay.

-Oh, fucking hell!

Next time on The Pranker.

It's OK, mate, I'm gay.

Fuck off and die.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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