Episode 3 The Pranker


Episode 3

Ross Lee's hidden camera comedy show. A pest controller fails to control himself and the patience of a takeaway delivery driver is pushed to the limit by some old folk.


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Transcript


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Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

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He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey,

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a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity.

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This is what happens when he spins out of control

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and crashes into the real world.

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-Coming up:

-Arghhhh!

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It's, OK, mate. I'm gay.

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Look, I've had enough now of you and your horrible dog.

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Now, please leave me alone.

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You're starting to really piss me off.

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Fuck off and die.

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Introducing an egomaniac and a large, soon to be angry, bald man.

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Um, excuse me. This is a little bit,

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er, embarrassing, but you're sat in my favourite seat.

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This is my personal favourite table that you're sat in.

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Um, would you mind awfully

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if I just asked you to sit at the table over there?

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I'm sitting here.

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Er, I can see that you're sat there, and that's problem.

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-Er, if you wouldn't mind...

-There isn't a problem.

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There isn't a problem, so if you walk away, there won't be a problem.

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-You do know who I am?

-No.

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Who are you?

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I'm Rutherford E Abbott.

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Listen, mate, do yourself a favour before I start getting angry, all right?

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Rutherford E Abbott.

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Walk along, please. Stop bothering me and go away.

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I don't want to cause a scene here, you see.

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All these people know who I am.

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-I don't care.

-Do you watch Doctors?

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-Walk away.

-Have you seen Doctors?

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-Walk away now.

-Dr Phonia.

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I'm Dr Phonia in...

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-Please walk away.

-..in Doctors.

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-Walk away now.

-Do you remember Grange Hill?

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Walk away now. Do yourself a favour and go.

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Come to this, then, has it?

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OK, what's your name?

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Are you some type of fucking weirdo or what?

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That straw just went up your nose.

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-Suck it.

-Have you seen the Pop-Tarts advert?

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Listen, do yourself a flavour and fuck off.

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-I'm with company.

-Eldorado?

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What's your name? Your name?

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Give me your name.

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No? You're not going to give me your name? OK.

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There we go. I'll leave you with this. Thank you very much,

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Mr Grumpy. Mr Grumpy.

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Have a good day, Mr Grumpy!

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Meanwhile, My Familee,

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starring some geriatric jokers and a fast-food delivery man.

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Some old sod has ordered

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a colostomy-sized bag load of takeaway grub.

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Unfortunately, they've got no intention of paying for it.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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So what have we got here?

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This Chinese is £33, please.

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I didn't order a Chinese. Maureen probably did.

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You called already, please.

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I'm going to go and get her now. One minute.

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-You're the lovely curry man, yes?

-Yeah, it's £33, please.

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Oh, all right, OK. Oh, is it getting cold?

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-I can take that in and then get Judy to give you the money.

-OK.

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OK, thank you.

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All right, love?

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-It's nice food?

-Very nice. I'm getting you the money now, love.

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But the money is under the cat and the cat's asleep.

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I don't like waking the cat because she can be a little bit feisty.

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Do you mind just waiting until the cat wakes up?

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The restaurant is very busy.

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-Do you want me to go and wake up the cat?

-Please.

-All right, then.

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She said the money is under the cat.

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SCREECHING AND SMASHING

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The cat's eaten the money, love, and half of my face.

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Boss, the cat is very angry with the...you know.

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Give me the phone. Hello. I've asked the driver to get a bread knife

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to help me open up the stomach of my cat

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and pull out the money from the inside of the cat,

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but he's shaking his head and he's said, "No, love."

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And I don't know what to do.

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So I don't think I'll be giving him a tip. Bye-bye.

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I'll give you a call when the cat does a poo.

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Sleep tight.

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Boss?

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Lady Mash,

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featuring a typical northern man on tour

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and a helpful local Londoner.

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Excuse me, mate, could you do us a favour

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and just take a couple of snaps for me just, er, just up here?

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-Is that all right?

-Yes.

-Oh, cheers, amazing.

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-Oh, great.

-Top button, yeah?

-That's it, yeah.

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It's my first time down in London and I want some pictures

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to send up to my friends up in Bradford at the factory.

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Right, I've got to get some poses, so count me down from three to one.

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-3...2...1.

-Wahey! London!

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-Right, can I just do one more?

-Yeah.

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Right one more, mate, last one.

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You're seeing the bridge and everything, yeah?

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Count me down from three to one.

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3...2...1.

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Whoahh!

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Eh?

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What do you think of these, eh?

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-Do you want to mash 'em?

-No, you're sweet, you're sweet.

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Go on, have a little mash.

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Come on, mash, mash, mash, mash.

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Come on, little mash, mash, mash, mash, eh?

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Cheers, mate, nice one.

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The Verminhater,

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featuring a deeply disturbed pest controller,

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and Elizabeth, an enchanting office temp.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello.

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-Yeah, pest control.

-OK.

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Hi.

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So I understand you've got an infestation.

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Well, not you personally, the building.

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If you had any medical problems,

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I couldn't help you with them, but pests I can.

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-I'll...

-Through here, you say?

-Yeah, I'll buzz you through.

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That's it.

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You've definitely got rats.

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You know, I've been doing this job ten years, right?

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If there's one thing I hate more than anything in the world,

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-it's bloody rats.

-Me too.

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I've had it with them, had it.

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-Really?

-Positive, love.

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Buzz us in.

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METALLIC CLATTERING Where are you, you little bastards?!

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THUMPING Agh, let me out! You shitbags!

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Die, you son of a bitch!

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You're clearly mental.

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-Got the little bastard.

-Right...

-He won't be bothering you again.

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What am I supposed to do with that mess now?

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-Afternoon.

-Bye.

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# Ben, the two of us need look no more

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# We both found what we were looking for

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# With a friend to call my own

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# I'll never be alone

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# And you, my friend, will see

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# You've got a friend in me

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# You've got a friend in me... #

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Slaphead,

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starring a man who seeks completion

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and canine stylist, Rachael.

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Hello.

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What are you doing?

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It's OK, I'm Gay,

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featuring a gay stereotype,

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the delicious Dichell

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and her boyfriend, Nizar.

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Dichell has set her boyfriend up

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because he gets too jealous when other guys pay her attention.

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She's brought him along to this boutique store

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to meet style guru Mikael,

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but Nizar has no need to worry because he's clearly gay...or is he?

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Look at those hips!

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You are a lucky boy, you are!

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It's OK, I'm gay.

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I think that's going fit you like a glove, that.

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A very sexy glove, I have to say.

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Oh, thank you.

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-I might as well try it.

-Go on, pop it in here, let me put you in here.

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Fantastic.

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So have you got any exciting plans for t'weekend?

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I have a surprise, yeah, but she doesn't know it yet,

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so I can't say it out loud right now.

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Ah! Did you hear that?

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Oh, are you decent in there?

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Oh! She's not.

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That's a lovely pair, that is.

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Hey!

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Pop that mirror back, let's have a look.

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She's got great breasts, hasn't she?

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I tell you what. Your nipples are the perkiest nipples

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I've ever seen in my life.

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No, they are! They're like little bullets.

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It's OK, I'm gay.

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It's a good fit. I just want to see what support

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-you're getting there, yeah?

-Yeah.

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Wow, look at that.

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Hmm?

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Fabulous.

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I've got a better suggestion for you if that's OK.

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Are you open to suggestions?

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-Yeah. Why not?

-Right, bear with me one second.

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-Thank you.

-Mick! Mick!

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-You take your time, love.

-Hey! Geezer!

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-Right, what shall we do?

-What are you doing here?

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I've got a little surprise for you.

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-What?

-You know that bird you pulled last Saturday?

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-Jesus Christ.

-I've got photos of her.

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Look at that.

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-Jesus fuck...

-Shoosh! Yeah, we were at it like bloody rabbits that night.

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Those are beautiful, actually.

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Have a look at that.

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I'm doing the gay thing.

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Oh, that old game. That always works, don't it?

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Look, you'd better fuck off.

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Yeah. Good luck with that.

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Right, we're going to get you out of this. We'll just get her out of this.

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You're going to prefer the next one.

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Right, that's it, there we go.

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Right, that's it, take... Oh, there you go. There they are.

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Lovely. Oh, very nice.

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-Wow, they are absolutely stunning, aren't they?

-Dichell?

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Absolutely stunning, all right, everything's all right, don't worry.

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Best be off now.

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-It's OK, I'm gay.

-So I've been told.

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Can you just turn round and bend over a little bit?

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-Dichell?

-Jiggly, jiggly.

-Get changed, we're going.

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Jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, that's it, s'all right, no rush, don't worry.

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-There is, there is.

-Don't want to tear this.

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-Dichell?

-Yeah?

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-Put your clothes on, we're going.

-OK, I'm just getting changed.

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It's ok mate, I'm gay!

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Is this any bigger than what you're used to?

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-Do you want me to show you out?

-I'm fine thanks.

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Let me show you out, come on, come on, take my hand.

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Oh, I'm sorry, it's a bit sticky that.

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Auto Recognition System of Entry.

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Starring the A.R.S.E.

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And special guest, the maintenance man.

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-Hello?

-Welcome.

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Hello?

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Please state the name of the person you are here to see.

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Steven Var.

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You have requested Marcus Garvey.

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-Is that correct?

-No.

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Are you here to perform maintenance?

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-Yes.

-Thank you.

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Please state your name.

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-Joseph.

-Joseph.

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Please state your surname.

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Searson.

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Jamie Searson.

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-Please confirm our security check.

-Oh, for...

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Do you know which company Steven Var works for?

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Yes.

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Please choose from the following options.

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Peterson Monoprint,

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-is that correct?

-No.

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Hammersley and Potter.

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-Is that correct?

-No.

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Far Cough and Die.

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-Is that correct?

-Far Cough and Die?

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There is really no need for abusive language.

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Goodbye.

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Meet the Movie Buff.

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Introducing the new boyfriend.

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His accomplice, Kimberly

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and her dear mum and dad, Richard and Caroline.

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To a lovely lunch and to finally meet the parents.

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Now, pay attention, Kimberley isn't really Ross's girlfriend,

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but she's told Mum and Dad that she is so he can invite them to

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his house for lunch and meet them for the very first time.

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Got that?

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How long have you been, if you don't mind me asking?

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-28 years.

-We've been married 28.

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What would you say is the secret to, er, longevity?

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Give and take. Take a lot.

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So far, it's all going swimmingly.

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So, we need to eat.

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-I'm going to the loo first.

-Oh, I'll just give you two minutes.

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But it's now time to talk movies.

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What did you get up to last night?

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Anything?

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He did the usual, he fell asleep.

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-I fell asleep in the chair.

-Did ya?

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And what were you watching?

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It was, Coronation Street?

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I saw this amazing film last night.

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It was like one of these... space movie

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and there was this one bit where there's this bloke and...

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he's got this thing stuck to his face.

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I don't know how to describe it, it was like a cross between

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an octopus and a spider but it was... is this ringing a bells?

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-Yeah.

-Spiderman?

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No, it was there and he's sat there

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as if everything's gone back to normal.

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The table looks similar to this.

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He's there, eating these noodles like that,

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and he starts goes like this.

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MAKES WRETCHING NOISES

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Oh, I'm sorry for laughing. Oh, God, excuse me.

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Do you want a pat on the back?

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SCREECHING

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(Is he all right?)

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Do you know what it was?

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Alien.

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The Canine Conundrum.

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Starring a vulnerable old lady

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and a kindly American gentleman.

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Oh, oh, oh, oh!

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Hello, could you just hold...

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Oh, thank you, he's very big but don't worry, he won't bite at all.

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Don't worry.

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Thank you very much, you're very kind.

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Why don't you let me pick that up?

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No, I've been doing this for the last 12 years.

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There's a lot here isn't there?

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Can I just, let me just grab that for one second.

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-Of course.

-Oh, could you just, just give that...

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I've just got to get...

0:19:490:19:51

Thank you, there we go.

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I haven't kept you too long have I?

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No, I need to give them back though.

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Were you going anywhere nice?

0:19:580:20:02

No, just home for a business call.

0:20:020:20:05

OK, hello?

0:20:050:20:07

Hello? Can I help you?

0:20:090:20:12

Can I help you stand up?

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Can I help you stand up?

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There we go.

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Are you OK?

0:20:200:20:22

-Oh, he's a big boy, isn't he?

-Yes, here we go.

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What's his name?

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Here we go, this is your dog.

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That's my dog?

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-No, it's not my dog.

-It is.

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No, I don't, I don't have a dog, what's that in your hand?

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-Is that what I think it is?

-This is your dog.

-It's not my dog,

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-I couldn't have a dog in my flat.

-This is your dog.

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Look, I don't have a dog.

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How can I have a dog?

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He'd never get up my stairs and he'd eat my budgerigar.

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Look, I've had enough now of you and your horrible dog.

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Now, please leave me alone.

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-This is your dog.

-You're pushing me to the limits, young man.

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This is your dog.

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I don't like dogs, I don't like cats,

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I don't like frogs, I don't like ferrets.

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Get that filthy mutt away from me.

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-It's your dog, ma'am.

-It's not my dog.

0:21:070:21:11

I hate dogs, I've never liked dogs since one bit me on me bum.

0:21:110:21:14

I don't like gerbils, I don't like hamsters.

0:21:140:21:17

-Stop, stop.

-What else don't I like?

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-I don't like snakes.

-This is your dog, ma'am.

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Have You Got Anything For This?

0:21:230:21:26

Starring a medical oddity

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and a confused pharmacist

0:21:290:21:32

Um, I've got a problem and I just wondered

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basically if you've got anything for it?

0:21:390:21:41

It's a tiny bit embarrassing cos it's, er, it's around the, um,

0:21:410:21:46

back passage...

0:21:460:21:47

-OK.

-If you like.

0:21:470:21:49

Every time I try and go, or want to go, I'll try and try and try

0:21:490:21:55

and I just seem to... nothing will pass.

0:21:550:21:58

I can't pass anything, which is strange.

0:21:580:22:00

Nothing wants to...

0:22:000:22:01

-How long's this been going on?

-Nothing wants to come out.

0:22:010:22:04

-Three months.

-Three months?

0:22:040:22:06

Yeah, now, um, can I just show you something quickly.

0:22:060:22:09

If you could just have a look at this, have you got anything for this?

0:22:090:22:13

Can you see?

0:22:150:22:18

That... no, you need to see a doctor about this, definitely.

0:22:180:22:21

Is there nothing I can take that will...

0:22:210:22:24

No, er, this is not obviously the place for..

0:22:240:22:29

I haven't even been able to break wind for months.

0:22:290:22:32

-Yeah.

-There's such a build up of gas.

0:22:320:22:34

Would you put your pants on?

0:22:340:22:36

You shouldn't be pulling them in the shop.

0:22:360:22:38

Even me burps are starting to smell like farts.

0:22:380:22:41

Oh, it is a pain in the backside.

0:22:420:22:47

OK, thank you very much, thank you.

0:22:470:22:51

Try It Before You Buy It.

0:22:510:22:53

Starring a man still living in the 1980s and a hapless hifi seller.

0:22:530:22:59

This Machiavellian moptop, is shopping for a new stereo

0:22:590:23:03

and very sensibly wishes to try it before he buys it.

0:23:030:23:07

Can I help you?

0:23:070:23:08

Er, yeah, yeah, I hope so, I'm looking for a new sound system,

0:23:080:23:12

something that can really spit out a nice sound.

0:23:120:23:15

If you could just show me what you've got.

0:23:170:23:19

Well, we've got something like this and that amp.

0:23:190:23:22

Then you can go for a CD player.

0:23:220:23:25

Actually mate, would you mind if I were to see what she sounds like

0:23:250:23:29

with a bit of my own poison?

0:23:290:23:32

-Would that be OK?

-Yeah.

-Great.

0:23:320:23:35

Put that in there like that.

0:23:350:23:38

MUSIC: "Eye of the Tiger" By SURVIVOR

0:23:380:23:45

What a tune, eh?

0:23:450:23:47

I'm loving that mate, absolutely loving that.

0:23:590:24:02

The amp is good, you want to take it?

0:24:020:24:04

-I'll get the box, everything.

-Does it come with a remote control?

0:24:040:24:08

I'm a big fan of the remote. Can I try it with the remote control?

0:24:080:24:11

If I want to buy it, I want to try it.

0:24:110:24:14

Right, let's imagine I'm on the toilet,

0:24:140:24:16

I've got a good line of sight, I'm squishing one out.

0:24:160:24:21

So, I'm going to turn it up.

0:24:210:24:22

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

0:24:220:24:24

If I was to do it from like, say out here?

0:24:260:24:30

Where are you going? Come back in, come back in.

0:24:310:24:35

What about from here?

0:24:350:24:36

If I was like that, is that working?

0:24:380:24:40

All right, OK, all right.

0:24:400:24:42

OK, brilliant.

0:24:450:24:47

All right, so I need to have a look

0:24:490:24:51

at some CDs and then I think we'll seal the deal.

0:24:510:24:55

Just these, the CDs.

0:24:550:24:57

-Stay there!

-All right, all right, cool it, man.

0:24:590:25:02

It's all right, man. TURNS MUSIC UP

0:25:020:25:05

Right, those CDs just there, those CDs, can you just, er...

0:25:050:25:11

Friend, what's wrong with you? Can you go out please?

0:25:130:25:16

Eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger!

0:25:310:25:34

I've tried it, I'm not going to buy it.

0:25:380:25:40

My name's Ross Lee, you're on TV.

0:25:470:25:50

I'm Ross Lee, you're on TV, there's a camera there.

0:25:500:25:53

What do you mean, we're on TV?

0:25:530:25:54

There's a camera through here.

0:25:540:25:56

I knew you had!

0:25:580:26:00

He is clearly insane.

0:26:000:26:03

You fucking bastard.

0:26:040:26:06

# Da-da-da-da-da!

0:26:060:26:08

-Why did you do this?

-Because I knew you could take it.

0:26:080:26:11

You were brilliant, nice one mate, God bless you. Thanks a lot.

0:26:110:26:14

I can't believe it.

0:26:140:26:17

Next time on The Pranker.

0:26:170:26:19

Excuse me, you're not allowed to do that.

0:26:190:26:21

I'm showing you my tits.

0:26:240:26:26

Now give us a meat pie.

0:26:260:26:28

Fuck me, I think it's a fucking tiger, aaarghhh!

0:26:280:26:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:390:26:42

E-mail [email protected]

0:26:420:26:45

A pest controller fails to control himself, the patience of a takeaway delivery driver is pushed to the limit by a Familee of old folk and Flash Harry draws attention to a couple of interesting points he's determined to share.


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