Episode 4 The Pranker


Episode 4

Hidden camera comedy. Single White Male treats an unlucky lady to a radioactive blind date from hell and an unsuspecting security guard spies the ultimate in predatory intruders.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour and very strong language

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Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking and the public are his pray,

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a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

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this is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

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You are not allowed to do that.

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Tamara!

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I've never done this before.

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Fuck me with a whisk! I think it's a fucking tiger!

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This is fucking dodgy.

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I've shown you me tits now give us a meat pie.

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Starring a man who's eyes twinkle at the sight of a wrinkle.

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Our friendly senior citizens

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and special guest Nigel.

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Yeah, hi, pal I'm looking for a new bed.

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So these are a whole floor of beds.

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Oh.

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Great.

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You see I'm not being funny, but I'm looking for a quality bed.

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-Yeah.

-One that can take a good...

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A good pounding at fairly regular intervals,

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if you know what I mean, yeah?

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I could recommend this one.

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-This mattress?

-Yeah.

-Is this an orthopaedic mattress?

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Orthopaedic simply means firm.

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Well, yeah, you know if someone had say like a weak back

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or a hunch, would this be more comfortable for them?

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Personally I would say yeah.

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Does this bed...would it come with a waterproof mattress cover?

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This is what I like all these bits they do.

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Hold it together, keep it together, woo.

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Do you have any beds that would be compatible with, um, say, um...

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..with a, with a stair lift?

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I'm sorry could I just, could you just excuse me, for one second.

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There's just something I really have to do.

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MUSIC: "Suddenly" by Angry Anderson

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Excuse me, do you mind putting me down for...

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Come on!

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I love you ladies, ladies.

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Ladies, I'll be back I'll be back soon!

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-Oh.

-I haven't had a tongue lashing like that since 1964.

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Meanwhile, Slaphead.

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Featuring a man seeking that which is now lost.

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And pet emporium employee Jeanette.

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Excuse me, excuse me.

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You are not allowed to do that.

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Please leave the shop now. Please.

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Out! I'm asking you to leave. No, out.

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Now.

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Take your hat and go.

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Starring a music producer from the 1980s

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and an estate agent from Surbiton.

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This tousle haired tit is house-hunting

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and like any normal person he wants to try it before he buys it.

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-You don't know if there's any problems with subsidence here?

-No.

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It feels all right, cos what happens is you sort of,

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when you bang like that if there is any subsidence

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you feel more of a sort of a hollow feeling.

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Do you know what I mean? But I can't.

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No, that's feeling all right. Yeah. Just going test the old acoustics in here.

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GUTTURAL HUMMING

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-Do you mind just going there and doing it?

-Oh, oh, oh!

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-No, there's no echo.

-Do it again.

-Oh!

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No echo at all, no, it's damp.

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Can you hear me if I do that out here like this?

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-Trampoline.

-I can hear you fine.

-Can you hear what I'm saying?

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Yeah, I can hear what you're saying.

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-Trampoline.

-Trampoline?

-Right, OK, what am I saying?

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Octopus.

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-Octopus.

-Can I just use the bathroom really quickly?

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-Then we'll be done.

-Yeah, you can.

-I won't be long.

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WATER RUNS

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HE HUMS

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You all right?

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< I'm just having a quick bath.

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-You are joking?

-You what, mate?

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Oh, don't! You can't.

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Look, if you just give us five minutes.

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-No, stop.

-Just give us five minutes.

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No, this can't, I'm sorry pal, this can't happen.

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If I'm going to buy this house...

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No, no, this don't happen.

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-I want to have a shower.

-I'm sorry, I can't, I can't allow this.

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-I want to test the bidet.

-No, they won't, they won't have this.

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They won't know, will they? Look...

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I'm sorry this can't happen,

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-How do you think...

-You're using their towels and all?

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I'm sorry, you'll have to get dressed cos they can't...

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I know, I don't know, what the fuck?

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-I've never come across something like this before.

-Right.

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This is all new, I've never actually done a viewing

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where someone's just helping themselves, it's like they've moved in.

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If this goes on much longer, I'll have to fucking call someone else in.

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-Who? Ghostbusters, Chris?

-I don't know but this, this isn't my house to do this.

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-I'll just get in that bath...

-Oh, come on man.

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I'll do my hair. Chris, I don't want to lose you, Chris.

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You've lost me already.

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Starring this deaf old bird.

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And a helpful man with a beard.

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Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me?

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My husband keeps ringing.

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I need to give him a message, but I can't hear anything when it...

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Could you answer and just pass the message on for me?

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-Sure.

-Oh, it's his wife.

-Hello.

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Could you ask him what time he's going to be home, please?

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She would like to know what time you will be home.

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-About an hour?

-Oh, could you tell him I will be back in an hour

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-and I cannot wait for him to see my garden.

-All right.

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-Thank you.

-She will also be back in about an hour

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and she can't wait for you to see her garden.

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Could you tell him,

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I've trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now, thank you.

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She's trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now.

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Certainly, how has the ground been?

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It's been very moist.

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It's been very moist, apparently.

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Finally, one very last thing, sir. Thank you so much.

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Could you tell him please to remember to remind the neighbours...

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Don't forget to remind the neighbours...

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..That it will get quite noisy.

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It will get quite noisy.

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Because I'll be screaming like a bitch

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while he smashes me back doors in with his dirty tool.

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Because she'll be screaming like a bitch

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when you're smashing the back doors in with your dirty tool.

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-Yes.

-All right? You understand?

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That's fine, now is there anything you need him to bring?

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Could he bring some condoms?

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Could you bring some condoms?

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-And a marrow.

-And a marrow.

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Oh, and don't forget the semi skimmed milk.

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-Don't forget the milk.

-Thank you.

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Thank you, bye-bye.

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Starring a desperate Don Quixote.

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An entire restaurant in on the gag.

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And the captivating, but clueless Kamara.

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What Kamara doesn't know is that her date has come to dine

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directly after finishing a shift at a nuclear power plant.

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Do you do this a lot?

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This is one of the first times I've ever gone out and done this.

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I've got a friend who does this every week.

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We used to go out all the time, I actually work with him as well.

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This was me just two weeks ago at work

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with Billy, hang on let's just have a look.

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Can you see him there with the 'tasche?

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-Oh, yeah.

-Do you know I work at the power plant?

-No.

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-The guy in the middle there, Jason.

-Yeah.

-He actually died last week.

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No, really? How?

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We're not really sure.

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We're all sort of worried at work about, "Oh, what did he go of?"

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-Working with radiation, you've got to be...

-Yeah.

-Really careful.

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HE COUGHS

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-I hope I'm not coming down with something.

-HE COUGHS

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There's been a lot going round.

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Yeah, lots of bugs and everything, yeah.

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I think...

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Is that my n...?

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I'm ever so sorry about that.

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I've got a proper nose bleed now!

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I've got a weird sort of headache as well.

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It's a buzz, a buzz here.

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-Yeah.

-I'll be fine I'll be all right.

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I would stop pulling.

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It doesn't normally come out like that.

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Yeah, whilst you're eating, I would just leave it.

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-Look at that. Would you say, you're a beauty technician?

-Yeah.

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Have you ever seen that?

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Do you se this at work?

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I'd leave it. Wait till you get home.

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-I'm a bit worried about that.

-know.

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-What would you do in this situation?

-Go to the doctors.

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You know what as well?

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They gave me this at work for ailments and things,

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but I can't read it because I can't see.

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Could you just read that out for me and say if it says anything about...

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In case of exposure to radiation,

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please check for signs, an irritating cough can occur,

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also bleeding from orifices such as the nose, hair loss.

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-Hair loss?

-And skin irritation, do you have any skin irritation.

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My arms do feel a bit weird.

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Oh, that's not right, is it?

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-No.

-Oh, my God, oh.

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OK, that's actually making me sick.

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Just, what was the last one, as well?

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Teeth dropping from mouth may be a problem.

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OK, let me stand outside because I feel a bit queasy.

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Hey, Kamara, are you OK?

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Look, I'm as freaked out myself, to be honest.

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I've spoken to work and they've said to sit tight.

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Someone's either going to call me back...

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PHONE RINGS

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I can't actually, I can't hear anything.

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-Could you just... Is there anybody there?

-Hello?

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-What's she saying?

-She says there's trouble at the plant.

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-Trouble?

-Yes.

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-Billy, Billy?

-Billy.

-Lost him.

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-Lost him?

-Lost him.

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-Someone's coming to get you. Do they know where you are?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Well, I'm losing even more hair now.

-OK, stop picking it.

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Can I just, this is a Geiger counter can I just...

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BLEEPING

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BLEEPING INTENSIFIES

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Can I go to the toilet? Sorry.

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SIRENS

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Kamara, Kamara.

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Kamara, don't...

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Kamara! Kamara, don't go! We haven't finished yet.

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We haven't even had dessert.

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Introducing a sociopathic celebrity agent

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and a promising young performer.

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Nice to see you, sit down, take a seat.

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I want to get into films or do stunts, just anything I can do.

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Anything I can do along those lines would be brilliant.

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Would you sleep with Kerry Katona?

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-Probably.

-I'm looking for celebrities, right?

-Yeah.

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-The books are open at the moment. The books are open.

-Yeah.

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The important thing is knowing people are willing to put themselves out there.

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-I am not a normal guy.

-Right, you're in the jungle.

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-Yeah.

-Now what are you going to do with this?

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Remember, you've got to perform here.

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What was your name again?

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-Josh.

-People want to tune in back in and watch Josh Delaforth.

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What you going to do with that?

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Get the spider and apologise to it right now. Have you got the spider?

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-Right, treat it with care. Put it there, I want you to apologise.

-I'm really sorry.

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-IN VOICE OF SPIDER:

-Why are you sorry?

-Well, I... I lost my temper.

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-Yeah, you did, I've lost all my legs.

-Sorry, man.

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-I'll make it up to you, I promise.

-How will you make it up to me?

-I'll look after you,

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-I'll give you the best life you can have.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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-Do you love me?

-I do love you.

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-Why?

-Because I think you're beautiful.

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Can we have little baby spiders?

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It will be difficult, but we will find a way.

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-What you doing?

-fingering a spider.

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You're fingering a spider?

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Well, that's all I need to hear. See that dummy over there?

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-Yeah.

-It's a big angry monkey. It's just called you a twat.

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Hang on, let me just see if I can defuse the situation, yeah?

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Right, that bloke over there, right?

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What do you think of him?

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Think he's a twat?

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Apparently he does. He does think you're a twat.

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You've just kicked a monkey.

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-I've kicked a monkey...

-Right in the face.

-He called me a twat, though.

-Josh...

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I want to do business with you, I want to sign you up.

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-That's what I like to hear.

-What do you say?

-Thank you very much.

0:15:350:15:38

-Yeah?

-I won't, I won't let you down.

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Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype,

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his accomplice, Clare

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and her boyfriend, James.

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Clare has set her boyfriend up,

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because he gets jealous when other blokes pay her attention.

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She's brought him along for a calming yoga session

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and James can relax, because yoga teacher Mikael

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is very obviously gay...

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ish.

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I'm just going to see where the fulcrum is of that breathing.

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And out...

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-You smell... You smell lovely.

-Thank you.

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It's like a big strawberry split,

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all dripping wet.

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Strawberry split that I'd like... That I could lick.

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From head to toe.

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-It's all right, don't you worry.

-No, I'm not.

-I'm gay.

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-Right, we just need to loosen up these hips, OK?

-OK.

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Now, I'm just going to need to grab each shoulder blade, like that.

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Push back, push back nice, nice and hard.

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Bit, bit harder and... That's it!

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And forward...

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and back. We know what we're doing.

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Right, legs in the air. And after three,

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pull towards your face, that's it!

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Keep doing that, that's it. Let's have a look.

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Here, put your knees on my shoulders here, that's it, that's it.

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There you go.

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-It's all right, James, don't worry, it's OK, I'm gay!

-Really?

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-I'm starting to doubt that now.

-There we go.

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Keep go... There.

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Micky? All right, son?

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You just carry on. You carry on. That's it, there you go.

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Now think of nothing, nothing, nothing.

0:17:390:17:43

-Stuart, what are you doing here? I'm bloody working.

-Did you get my email last night?

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-What the two birds in Jacuzzi?

-No, the redhead, you know.

-Shush!

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-What?

-Have you got your camera?

0:17:520:17:55

-Yeah.

-I've got an idea, go get it.

0:17:550:17:56

-Now?

-Yeah, go on.

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Get in this position, knees out like that.

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That's it, everyone get on all fours, that's it.

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That's it. Right, spread your legs, spread your legs. OK.

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Right, you need to now start up and down up, like this...

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Up and down. Come on, let me help you, let me help you.

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-That's it, let me just... Let me just help you.

-What are you doing?

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-What the fuck are you doing?

-Just get down, get down.

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You can't just stop the exercise.

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Yes, you can, when someone with a camera who's recording me right now comes in.

0:18:260:18:31

-You what?

-What's going on?!

0:18:310:18:34

I'm sorry, I should've said, he's not going to take any pictures of you, right?

0:18:340:18:38

-All he's doing is taking pictures of the class.

-Yeah.

-That's all he's doing.

0:18:380:18:42

-Right, well...

-So don't worry, now calm down.

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-The class is over now, we're off.

-Why?

-This is fucking dodgy.

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-If you don't want the pictures to be taken...

-No, I don't.

0:18:470:18:51

Hold my hand, will you hold my hand too?

0:18:510:18:53

What's he all about?

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I don't... That was weird. I'm sorry, pal, but that was weird.

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It's OK, I'm gay.

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And special guest, the plumber.

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Hello?

0:19:200:19:22

'Hello and welcome.

0:19:220:19:26

'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'

0:19:260:19:30

John Harvey.

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'You have requested Barbara Gonzalez.

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'Is that correct?'

0:19:370:19:39

No, John Harvey.

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'Do you require Jonathan or Harvey.'

0:19:440:19:50

John, Jonathan.

0:19:510:19:54

-'Jonathan Harvey, is that correct?'

-Yes.

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'Please state your name.'

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-Andy.

-'Julie, is that correct?'

0:20:030:20:07

Andy.

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'Please state your occupation.'

0:20:130:20:17

Can I speak to John Harvey please I'm here to do a blocked sink?

0:20:170:20:22

'John Harvey, you are an employee of this company,

0:20:220:20:28

'please proceed.'

0:20:280:20:31

-No, I want to speak to john Harvey.

-'Hello and welcome.

0:20:310:20:36

'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'

0:20:360:20:40

'The weather report.

0:20:450:20:48

'Sunny with showers.'

0:20:480:20:52

Featuring an average northern man looking for a snack

0:20:530:20:58

and a stupefied sandwich maker.

0:20:580:21:01

Hi, just give us a meat pie, please, mate.

0:21:090:21:12

Just, er, one meat pie.

0:21:130:21:17

-Meat pie.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:21:170:21:19

HE CLEAR HIS THROAT

0:21:210:21:23

We don't have meat pie.

0:21:230:21:25

-You what, mate?

-We don't have meat pie.

0:21:250:21:28

You're telling me you haven't got meat pie?

0:21:280:21:30

Oh, give over. Come on, just one meat pie.

0:21:300:21:34

We don't have meat pie.

0:21:340:21:36

Oh, right, I get it.

0:21:360:21:40

For me to get what I want, yeah...

0:21:400:21:42

I've got to give you what you want, yeah?

0:21:420:21:45

I can see you. I can see you looking at me.

0:21:450:21:48

I can see you looking at me, I can read you like a book, you know, you guys.

0:21:480:21:52

Every single one of you, right?

0:21:520:21:55

You're all the same. Well, OK, right, have it your way.

0:21:550:21:59

Right.

0:22:020:22:04

Happy now?

0:22:050:22:08

I've shown you me tits...

0:22:090:22:12

now give us a meat pie.

0:22:120:22:14

We don't have meat pie.

0:22:140:22:16

Do you want to mash 'em?

0:22:160:22:18

No, thanks.

0:22:180:22:20

HE SIGHS

0:22:200:22:22

You know what, mate?

0:22:220:22:24

You've made me feel really cheap, I hope you're happy with yourself.

0:22:240:22:29

Starring the head of security at a disused factory

0:22:390:22:42

and special guest, Jay.

0:22:420:22:44

It's Jay's first day on the job

0:22:440:22:47

and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.

0:22:470:22:50

Just us two today, yeah, Adam's just gone.

0:22:500:22:52

The only real ball-ache about this job is, er...

0:22:520:22:55

-there's got to be somebody in this control room at all times.

-Of course.

0:22:550:22:59

Right, so, jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.

0:22:590:23:04

-ON WALKIE-TALKIE:

-'Right, OK. If you look at the monitor

0:23:120:23:17

'you can see now I'm in sector one, over.'

0:23:170:23:19

Yep, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

0:23:190:23:22

'# Da, da, da...#'

0:23:220:23:25

'I'm now in what we call sector two.'

0:23:250:23:29

I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

0:23:290:23:33

HE LAUGHS

0:23:330:23:36

'Peace out, over.'

0:23:360:23:39

-'Over.'

-Yeah I see you in sector three now.

0:23:390:23:42

'I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?'

0:23:420:23:45

No, definitely not.

0:23:450:23:48

Ross, come in?

0:23:540:23:56

'Hello? Over.'

0:23:580:24:01

Sector One, I've just seen a tiger in sector one.

0:24:010:24:04

'You what, mate?'

0:24:070:24:08

I just saw a tiger in sector one.

0:24:080:24:12

'Eh, fuck off, mate. I knew I were going to like you.

0:24:120:24:17

'What, like a cat? A stray cat? A moggy?'

0:24:170:24:21

No, mate, a big moggy. Trust me, a big tiger.

0:24:210:24:24

It had stripes and everything, over.

0:24:240:24:26

'Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?'

0:24:260:24:32

Be careful, over.

0:24:320:24:34

'Let's have a look, um...

0:24:340:24:36

'Oh, what a surprise(!)

0:24:360:24:38

'It's negative on the tiger

0:24:380:24:41

'and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate!'

0:24:410:24:45

I'm not funny, mate, it's serious. I did see it, I swear I did see it.

0:24:450:24:49

HE CACKLES

0:24:490:24:52

'Knobhead, over.'

0:24:520:24:55

That was fucked up.

0:24:550:24:57

'I'm just going off for a quick piss now, all right? Over.'

0:24:570:25:00

Received, over. That was fucked up.

0:25:000:25:04

Oh, you bastard...

0:25:130:25:14

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:25:170:25:18

'Hang on, mate, I'm having a piss, hang on!'

0:25:180:25:22

There's definitely a tiger, I just saw it.

0:25:220:25:24

Three times it's come back on our screen.

0:25:240:25:27

'Fuck off, mate, a joke's a joke, innit?'

0:25:270:25:29

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:25:310:25:34

'Yes, Jay.'

0:25:350:25:37

Right, the tiger's in there, mate.

0:25:380:25:41

'Oh, come on, this is getting a bit boring now.

0:25:430:25:45

'I mean, this is actually my job.

0:25:450:25:47

'I've got to take it a little bit seriously.

0:25:470:25:49

'I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers, come on...'

0:25:490:25:53

Ross, what is behind that post in front of you.

0:25:530:25:55

'All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.'

0:25:550:25:59

What, and darkness?

0:25:590:26:01

'Yeah, yeah, darkness.

0:26:010:26:04

'Going into the darkness now.

0:26:040:26:06

'Nothing going on, nothing to report...

0:26:060:26:09

-TIGER ROARS

-'Fuck me!

0:26:090:26:10

'There's a fucking tiger!'

0:26:100:26:12

PANICKED BREATHING

0:26:120:26:16

THE TIGER ROARS

0:26:200:26:21

'Oh, my God, it is!

0:26:280:26:30

'Fucking hell.'

0:26:300:26:33

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:26:330:26:35

HE YELPS AND TIGER ROARS

0:26:350:26:38

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:26:450:26:47

THE TIGER ROARS

0:26:510:26:54

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:26:540:26:57

You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

0:27:000:27:04

I fucking knew it.

0:27:040:27:05

SHE LAUGHS

0:27:050:27:06

You had me like a little stray cat.

0:27:060:27:09

Oh, you joker. You joker!

0:27:090:27:12

You were great, you were feisty!

0:27:120:27:14

You were feisty, she was brilliant.

0:27:140:27:16

We're not on TV, where's the fucking cameras?

0:27:160:27:20

Who's this, the Ghostbusters?

0:27:200:27:21

-Right there's no-one here.

-You want a bet?

0:27:210:27:24

LAUGHTER Oh, you motherfucker!

0:27:240:27:28

Oh, my God!

0:27:280:27:31

No!

0:27:330:27:34

Next time on The Pranker...

0:27:340:27:36

This is running the extra mile.

0:27:380:27:40

Eurgh...

0:27:410:27:43

Eugh!

0:27:450:27:47

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:520:27:55

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:550:27:58

Granny Magnet hits the jackpot when he attempts some three-way OAP action in a bed shop, the Single White Male treats an unlucky lady to a radioactive blind date from hell and an unsuspecting security guard spies the ultimate in predatory intruders.


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