Episode 4 The Pranker

This programme contains adult humour and very strong language

Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking and the public are his pray,

a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

this is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

You are not allowed to do that.

Tamara!

I've never done this before.

Fuck me with a whisk! I think it's a fucking tiger!

This is fucking dodgy.

I've shown you me tits now give us a meat pie.

Starring a man who's eyes twinkle at the sight of a wrinkle.

Our friendly senior citizens

and special guest Nigel.

Yeah, hi, pal I'm looking for a new bed.

So these are a whole floor of beds.

Oh.

Great.

You see I'm not being funny, but I'm looking for a quality bed.

-Yeah.

-One that can take a good...

A good pounding at fairly regular intervals,

if you know what I mean, yeah?

I could recommend this one.

-This mattress?

-Yeah.

-Is this an orthopaedic mattress?

Orthopaedic simply means firm.

Well, yeah, you know if someone had say like a weak back

or a hunch, would this be more comfortable for them?

Personally I would say yeah.

Does this bed...would it come with a waterproof mattress cover?

This is what I like all these bits they do.

Hold it together, keep it together, woo.

Do you have any beds that would be compatible with, um, say, um...

..with a, with a stair lift?

I'm sorry could I just, could you just excuse me, for one second.

There's just something I really have to do.

MUSIC: "Suddenly" by Angry Anderson

Excuse me, do you mind putting me down for...

Come on!

I love you ladies, ladies.

Ladies, I'll be back I'll be back soon!

-Oh.

-I haven't had a tongue lashing like that since 1964.

Meanwhile, Slaphead.

Featuring a man seeking that which is now lost.

And pet emporium employee Jeanette.

Excuse me, excuse me.

You are not allowed to do that.

Please leave the shop now. Please.

Out! I'm asking you to leave. No, out.

Now.

Take your hat and go.

Starring a music producer from the 1980s

and an estate agent from Surbiton.

This tousle haired tit is house-hunting

and like any normal person he wants to try it before he buys it.

-You don't know if there's any problems with subsidence here?

-No.

It feels all right, cos what happens is you sort of,

when you bang like that if there is any subsidence

you feel more of a sort of a hollow feeling.

Do you know what I mean? But I can't.

No, that's feeling all right. Yeah. Just going test the old acoustics in here.

GUTTURAL HUMMING

-Do you mind just going there and doing it?

-Oh, oh, oh!

-No, there's no echo.

-Do it again.

-Oh!

No echo at all, no, it's damp.

Can you hear me if I do that out here like this?

-Trampoline.

-I can hear you fine.

-Can you hear what I'm saying?

Yeah, I can hear what you're saying.

-Trampoline.

-Trampoline?

-Right, OK, what am I saying?

Octopus.

-Octopus.

-Can I just use the bathroom really quickly?

-Then we'll be done.

-Yeah, you can.

-I won't be long.

WATER RUNS

HE HUMS

You all right?

< I'm just having a quick bath.

-You are joking?

-You what, mate?

Oh, don't! You can't.

Look, if you just give us five minutes.

-No, stop.

-Just give us five minutes.

No, this can't, I'm sorry pal, this can't happen.

If I'm going to buy this house...

No, no, this don't happen.

-I want to have a shower.

-I'm sorry, I can't, I can't allow this.

-I want to test the bidet.

-No, they won't, they won't have this.

They won't know, will they? Look...

I'm sorry this can't happen,

-How do you think...

-You're using their towels and all?

I'm sorry, you'll have to get dressed cos they can't...

I know, I don't know, what the fuck?

-I've never come across something like this before.

-Right.

This is all new, I've never actually done a viewing

where someone's just helping themselves, it's like they've moved in.

If this goes on much longer, I'll have to fucking call someone else in.

-Who? Ghostbusters, Chris?

-I don't know but this, this isn't my house to do this.

-I'll just get in that bath...

-Oh, come on man.

I'll do my hair. Chris, I don't want to lose you, Chris.

You've lost me already.

Starring this deaf old bird.

And a helpful man with a beard.

Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me?

My husband keeps ringing.

I need to give him a message, but I can't hear anything when it...

Could you answer and just pass the message on for me?

-Sure.

-Oh, it's his wife.

-Hello.

Could you ask him what time he's going to be home, please?

She would like to know what time you will be home.

-About an hour?

-Oh, could you tell him I will be back in an hour

-and I cannot wait for him to see my garden.

-All right.

-Thank you.

-She will also be back in about an hour

and she can't wait for you to see her garden.

Could you tell him,

I've trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now, thank you.

She's trimmed the bush and it's a lot tidier now.

Certainly, how has the ground been?

It's been very moist.

It's been very moist, apparently.

Finally, one very last thing, sir. Thank you so much.

Could you tell him please to remember to remind the neighbours...

Don't forget to remind the neighbours...

..That it will get quite noisy.

It will get quite noisy.

Because I'll be screaming like a bitch

while he smashes me back doors in with his dirty tool.

Because she'll be screaming like a bitch

when you're smashing the back doors in with your dirty tool.

-Yes.

-All right? You understand?

That's fine, now is there anything you need him to bring?

Could he bring some condoms?

Could you bring some condoms?

-And a marrow.

-And a marrow.

Oh, and don't forget the semi skimmed milk.

-Don't forget the milk.

-Thank you.

Thank you, bye-bye.

Starring a desperate Don Quixote.

An entire restaurant in on the gag.

And the captivating, but clueless Kamara.

What Kamara doesn't know is that her date has come to dine

directly after finishing a shift at a nuclear power plant.

Do you do this a lot?

This is one of the first times I've ever gone out and done this.

I've got a friend who does this every week.

We used to go out all the time, I actually work with him as well.

This was me just two weeks ago at work

with Billy, hang on let's just have a look.

Can you see him there with the 'tasche?

-Oh, yeah.

-Do you know I work at the power plant?

-No.

-The guy in the middle there, Jason.

-Yeah.

-He actually died last week.

No, really? How?

We're not really sure.

We're all sort of worried at work about, "Oh, what did he go of?"

-Working with radiation, you've got to be...

-Yeah.

-Really careful.

HE COUGHS

-I hope I'm not coming down with something.

-HE COUGHS

There's been a lot going round.

Yeah, lots of bugs and everything, yeah.

I think...

Is that my n...?

I'm ever so sorry about that.

I've got a proper nose bleed now!

I've got a weird sort of headache as well.

It's a buzz, a buzz here.

-Yeah.

-I'll be fine I'll be all right.

I would stop pulling.

It doesn't normally come out like that.

Yeah, whilst you're eating, I would just leave it.

-Look at that. Would you say, you're a beauty technician?

-Yeah.

Have you ever seen that?

Do you se this at work?

I'd leave it. Wait till you get home.

-I'm a bit worried about that.

-know.

-What would you do in this situation?

-Go to the doctors.

You know what as well?

They gave me this at work for ailments and things,

but I can't read it because I can't see.

Could you just read that out for me and say if it says anything about...

In case of exposure to radiation,

please check for signs, an irritating cough can occur,

also bleeding from orifices such as the nose, hair loss.

-Hair loss?

-And skin irritation, do you have any skin irritation.

My arms do feel a bit weird.

Oh, that's not right, is it?

-No.

-Oh, my God, oh.

OK, that's actually making me sick.

Just, what was the last one, as well?

Teeth dropping from mouth may be a problem.

OK, let me stand outside because I feel a bit queasy.

Hey, Kamara, are you OK?

Look, I'm as freaked out myself, to be honest.

I've spoken to work and they've said to sit tight.

Someone's either going to call me back...

PHONE RINGS

I can't actually, I can't hear anything.

-Could you just... Is there anybody there?

-Hello?

-What's she saying?

-She says there's trouble at the plant.

-Trouble?

-Yes.

-Billy, Billy?

-Billy.

-Lost him.

-Lost him?

-Lost him.

-Someone's coming to get you. Do they know where you are?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Well, I'm losing even more hair now.

-OK, stop picking it.

Can I just, this is a Geiger counter can I just...

BLEEPING

BLEEPING INTENSIFIES

Can I go to the toilet? Sorry.

SIRENS

Kamara, Kamara.

Kamara, don't...

Kamara! Kamara, don't go! We haven't finished yet.

We haven't even had dessert.

Introducing a sociopathic celebrity agent

and a promising young performer.

Nice to see you, sit down, take a seat.

I want to get into films or do stunts, just anything I can do.

Anything I can do along those lines would be brilliant.

Would you sleep with Kerry Katona?

-Probably.

-I'm looking for celebrities, right?

-Yeah.

-The books are open at the moment. The books are open.

-Yeah.

The important thing is knowing people are willing to put themselves out there.

-I am not a normal guy.

-Right, you're in the jungle.

-Yeah.

-Now what are you going to do with this?

Remember, you've got to perform here.

What was your name again?

-Josh.

-People want to tune in back in and watch Josh Delaforth.

What you going to do with that?

Get the spider and apologise to it right now. Have you got the spider?

-Right, treat it with care. Put it there, I want you to apologise.

-I'm really sorry.

-IN VOICE OF SPIDER:

-Why are you sorry?

-Well, I... I lost my temper.

-Yeah, you did, I've lost all my legs.

-Sorry, man.

-I'll make it up to you, I promise.

-How will you make it up to me?

-I'll look after you,

-I'll give you the best life you can have.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Do you love me?

-I do love you.

-Why?

-Because I think you're beautiful.

Can we have little baby spiders?

It will be difficult, but we will find a way.

-What you doing?

-fingering a spider.

You're fingering a spider?

Well, that's all I need to hear. See that dummy over there?

-Yeah.

-It's a big angry monkey. It's just called you a twat.

Hang on, let me just see if I can defuse the situation, yeah?

Right, that bloke over there, right?

What do you think of him?

Think he's a twat?

Apparently he does. He does think you're a twat.

You've just kicked a monkey.

-I've kicked a monkey...

-Right in the face.

-He called me a twat, though.

-Josh...

I want to do business with you, I want to sign you up.

-That's what I like to hear.

-What do you say?

-Thank you very much.

-Yeah?

-I won't, I won't let you down.

Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype,

his accomplice, Clare

and her boyfriend, James.

Clare has set her boyfriend up,

because he gets jealous when other blokes pay her attention.

She's brought him along for a calming yoga session

and James can relax, because yoga teacher Mikael

is very obviously gay...

ish.

I'm just going to see where the fulcrum is of that breathing.

And out...

-You smell... You smell lovely.

-Thank you.

It's like a big strawberry split,

all dripping wet.

Strawberry split that I'd like... That I could lick.

From head to toe.

-It's all right, don't you worry.

-No, I'm not.

-I'm gay.

-Right, we just need to loosen up these hips, OK?

-OK.

Now, I'm just going to need to grab each shoulder blade, like that.

Push back, push back nice, nice and hard.

Bit, bit harder and... That's it!

And forward...

and back. We know what we're doing.

Right, legs in the air. And after three,

pull towards your face, that's it!

Keep doing that, that's it. Let's have a look.

Here, put your knees on my shoulders here, that's it, that's it.

There you go.

-It's all right, James, don't worry, it's OK, I'm gay!

-Really?

-I'm starting to doubt that now.

-There we go.

Keep go... There.

Micky? All right, son?

You just carry on. You carry on. That's it, there you go.

Now think of nothing, nothing, nothing.

-Stuart, what are you doing here? I'm bloody working.

-Did you get my email last night?

-What the two birds in Jacuzzi?

-No, the redhead, you know.

-Shush!

-What?

-Have you got your camera?

-Yeah.

-I've got an idea, go get it.

-Now?

-Yeah, go on.

Get in this position, knees out like that.

That's it, everyone get on all fours, that's it.

That's it. Right, spread your legs, spread your legs. OK.

Right, you need to now start up and down up, like this...

Up and down. Come on, let me help you, let me help you.

-That's it, let me just... Let me just help you.

-What are you doing?

-What the fuck are you doing?

-Just get down, get down.

You can't just stop the exercise.

Yes, you can, when someone with a camera who's recording me right now comes in.

-You what?

-What's going on?!

I'm sorry, I should've said, he's not going to take any pictures of you, right?

-All he's doing is taking pictures of the class.

-Yeah.

-That's all he's doing.

-Right, well...

-So don't worry, now calm down.

-The class is over now, we're off.

-Why?

-This is fucking dodgy.

-If you don't want the pictures to be taken...

-No, I don't.

Hold my hand, will you hold my hand too?

What's he all about?

I don't... That was weird. I'm sorry, pal, but that was weird.

It's OK, I'm gay.

And special guest, the plumber.

Hello?

'Hello and welcome.

'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'

John Harvey.

'You have requested Barbara Gonzalez.

'Is that correct?'

No, John Harvey.

'Do you require Jonathan or Harvey.'

John, Jonathan.

-'Jonathan Harvey, is that correct?'

-Yes.

'Please state your name.'

-Andy.

-'Julie, is that correct?'

Andy.

'Please state your occupation.'

Can I speak to John Harvey please I'm here to do a blocked sink?

'John Harvey, you are an employee of this company,

'please proceed.'

-No, I want to speak to john Harvey.

-'Hello and welcome.

'Please state the name of the person you are here to see.'

'The weather report.

'Sunny with showers.'

Featuring an average northern man looking for a snack

and a stupefied sandwich maker.

Hi, just give us a meat pie, please, mate.

Just, er, one meat pie.

-Meat pie.

-Yeah, yeah.

HE CLEAR HIS THROAT

We don't have meat pie.

-You what, mate?

-We don't have meat pie.

You're telling me you haven't got meat pie?

Oh, give over. Come on, just one meat pie.

We don't have meat pie.

Oh, right, I get it.

For me to get what I want, yeah...

I've got to give you what you want, yeah?

I can see you. I can see you looking at me.

I can see you looking at me, I can read you like a book, you know, you guys.

Every single one of you, right?

You're all the same. Well, OK, right, have it your way.

Right.

Happy now?

I've shown you me tits...

now give us a meat pie.

We don't have meat pie.

Do you want to mash 'em?

No, thanks.

HE SIGHS

You know what, mate?

You've made me feel really cheap, I hope you're happy with yourself.

Starring the head of security at a disused factory

and special guest, Jay.

It's Jay's first day on the job

and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.

Just us two today, yeah, Adam's just gone.

The only real ball-ache about this job is, er...

-there's got to be somebody in this control room at all times.

-Of course.

Right, so, jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.

-ON WALKIE-TALKIE:

-'Right, OK. If you look at the monitor

'you can see now I'm in sector one, over.'

Yep, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

'# Da, da, da...#'

'I'm now in what we call sector two.'

I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

HE LAUGHS

'Peace out, over.'

-'Over.'

-Yeah I see you in sector three now.

'I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?'

No, definitely not.

Ross, come in?

'Hello? Over.'

Sector One, I've just seen a tiger in sector one.

'You what, mate?'

I just saw a tiger in sector one.

'Eh, fuck off, mate. I knew I were going to like you.

'What, like a cat? A stray cat? A moggy?'

No, mate, a big moggy. Trust me, a big tiger.

It had stripes and everything, over.

'Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?'

Be careful, over.

'Let's have a look, um...

'Oh, what a surprise(!)

'It's negative on the tiger

'and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate!'

I'm not funny, mate, it's serious. I did see it, I swear I did see it.

HE CACKLES

'Knobhead, over.'

That was fucked up.

'I'm just going off for a quick piss now, all right? Over.'

Received, over. That was fucked up.

Oh, you bastard...

Ross, come in, Ross.

'Hang on, mate, I'm having a piss, hang on!'

There's definitely a tiger, I just saw it.

Three times it's come back on our screen.

'Fuck off, mate, a joke's a joke, innit?'

Ross, come in, Ross.

'Yes, Jay.'

Right, the tiger's in there, mate.

'Oh, come on, this is getting a bit boring now.

'I mean, this is actually my job.

'I've got to take it a little bit seriously.

'I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers, come on...'

Ross, what is behind that post in front of you.

'All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.'

What, and darkness?

'Yeah, yeah, darkness.

'Going into the darkness now.

'Nothing going on, nothing to report...

-TIGER ROARS

-'Fuck me!

'There's a fucking tiger!'

PANICKED BREATHING

THE TIGER ROARS

'Oh, my God, it is!

'Fucking hell.'

Ross, come in, Ross.

HE YELPS AND TIGER ROARS

Ross, come in, Ross.

THE TIGER ROARS

Ross, come in, Ross.

You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

I fucking knew it.

SHE LAUGHS

You had me like a little stray cat.

Oh, you joker. You joker!

You were great, you were feisty!

You were feisty, she was brilliant.

We're not on TV, where's the fucking cameras?

Who's this, the Ghostbusters?

-Right there's no-one here.

-You want a bet?

LAUGHTER Oh, you motherfucker!

Oh, my God!

No!

Next time on The Pranker...

This is running the extra mile.

Eurgh...

Eugh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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