Episode 5 The Pranker


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Episode 5

Hidden camera comedy. Rave Monkey experiences a momentary lapse of reason in front of a fishmonger and Flash Harry displays his ample charms to a bemused barman.


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Transcript


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Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

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He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey. A master of mischief,

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his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

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this is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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This is running the extra mile.

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Oh, dear.

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Errr.

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-What the fuck?

-Lady Mash,

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featuring an average Northern man requiring refreshment

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and a bemused Brazilian barman.

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Hey up, mate, um, just a pint of dandelion and burdock, please, mate.

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Sure.

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Sorry, I've just been talking to my manager and we don't have any of that at the moment.

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Are you telling me that you haven't got any dandelion and burdock?

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Yes, that's what I just told you.

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-What is it that you're really after?

-Whatever you want to drink I can offer you.

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I want a pint of dandelion and burdock and I know what you want.

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It's written all over your face. You men, you're ALL the same.

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OK, if that's the way that you want to play it,

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let's do it, let's have it your way.

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MUSIC: "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette

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Are you happy now?

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Fine, here we go, are you watching this? Just for you, but a deal is as deal, yeah?

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There we go.

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Yeah, there you go mate, now you've got what you want,

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can I please have what I want?

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If you can cover these for me, that would be great. I'll try to help you.

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Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn't want to see these things?

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I don't want to see them.

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You really should stop leading people on, all right?

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Meanwhile, fish 'n' trips, starring a man

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who's mangled his tiny mind

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with drugs and a fishmonger

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in for a sexy treat.

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PACEY RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

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Hey up, mate, just one sec, I can't get me bloody music off, hang on.

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There we go. How you doing?

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-I'm fine, how are you today?

-Yeah, I'm all right, I'm after a fish believe it or not,

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-that looks bloody good, don't it, that one, what's that one?

-It's called tilapia.

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Look at the eyeballs on that, they're like on stalks, aren't they?

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It looks like that fish has been larging it all weekend.

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I could really, really fall in love with that fish.

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Hey, come here.

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Come here, beautiful.

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-Hey, where've you been all me life?

-Are you going to buy the fish, man?

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This isn't a fish, it's a mermaid.

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Wow, you're beautiful.

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Ross, you're making me so wet!

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Come here and kiss me, you skinny little monkey.

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Ugh!

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Make love to me right here, right now.

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Bloody hell, where do I put it?

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Oh, Oh!

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Oh, Ross,

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you're the best lover I've ever had.

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Yeah, I've never made love to a half-woman half-fish...

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fish...fish...

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Whoa-ho-ho! Flashback! There, all right.

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Cheers. Whoo...

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PACEY RAVE MUSIC

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..featuring a hopeless romantic,

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an entire restaurant wise to the wind-up

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and the luscious

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but unenlightened Lakeisha.

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Lakeisha has been set up on a blind date from hell

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by one of her friends.

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-Your accent.

-Yes.

-I love your accent.

-Thank you.

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-Where are you from?

-Texas.

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What she doesn't know is she's having dinner with the most allergic man on the planet.

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How would you say it sort of compared

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working in Dallas compared to working back over here?

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Um...

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So why have you put foil on your glass?

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It's like dust, you see, if I was to put... If dust gets in the drink.

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Do you take any tablets or anything?

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Oh, you wouldn't believe, you pick me up and shake me, I'd rattle.

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-I've got so many inside me, I can't actually see at the moment.

-Oh, my God.

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Do you mind if I ask if you're wearing any perfume at all?

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I am wearing perfume, is that it? I'm so sorry.

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Don't apologise, you smell absolutely gorgeous,

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but to me it's literally like someone's sat here

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-just squirting sulphuric acid into my eyes.

-I'm sorry.

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-Um, could you do me a favour and just sort of wipe your perfume?

-Sure.

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-I'll just pop to the loo.

-OK, that's fine, there we go.

-Thank you.

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-Thanks very much, thanks very much, I'll see you in one second.

-All right.

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-Are you doing well?

-Mmm.

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My tongue, my tongue...

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Your tongue is swollen?

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-A bit.

-Should I go? I'm so sorry.

-No, no.

-I'm so sorry.

-No!

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Does it look OK?

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Oh, my gosh, it's still swollen.

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-HE MUMBLES

-Yeah...

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Mm-hm.

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Sorry? A...?

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-Do you have a fan? A fan?

-Yes,

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-Yeah, I think so. I'll go and check.

-OK.

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-Hope that's OK for you.

-Sorry.

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Squirt it? Like that?

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-Is that good?

-Mmm.

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All right? Got it?

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-Aha.

-OK.

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How can I say no to that face?

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..introducing some Sopranos wannabes.

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And a man with a big cake to deliver.

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Some Sicilian silly bugger has ordered a homecoming cake,

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but the way this family operates means they don't pay for things.

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Hiya, delivery for Ross Corleone, yeah?

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-ITALIAN ACCENT: Hey, what have we got here? Yeah, that's nice.

-You like it?

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Welcome home, Granddad, he going to go crazy.

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There you go.

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-OK, what's the damage?

-65.

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65? Let me get it, two minutes.

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OK, yeah.

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Hey, ciao! De scrachia?

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De Rosco?

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-Oh, yeah.

-Rosco! Your money-o dispacio, scrachi?

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-No, sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

-You, stay.

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-Mm-hmm.

-For two momento.

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Would you be able to give them a call and see if we can take the payment over a card

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because he's speaking in Italian and I can't understand.

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-Hiya.

-You look like you're hungry.

-No, I'm fine.

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-I make some pizza, I fill your belly.

-No, no, my belly is fine.

-Yeah?

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You like-a the pepperoni, yeah?

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-No, I'm absolutely fine. I need to collect £65 for the cake.

-OK.

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I'm going to talk to the Don and then I'll get you the green.

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-Thank you very much.

-OK.

-No problem.

-OK, OK...

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-HE GRUNTS

-Hiya.

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Are you able to pay for the cake?

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Hey, you come to my house,

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asking me for the money?

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When I give you the money, what you going to do for me?

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I've already done what I'm supposed to do - give you a cake.

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You want-a money or you want me to do you a favour, Cakes? I'll call you Cakes.

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That's fine, you can call me Cakes.

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I can do a lot for you, Cakes.

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-I'm sure you could but my job is just to take the money and deliver the cakes.

-I like you, Cakes.

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-That's good to know.

-Hey, Cakes.

-I'm good here, sir.

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You're good here, I'm good there. OK, Cakes, I'll see you.

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..introducing a man with a vintage libido,

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our game-for-a-laugh granny

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and a pharmacist under fire.

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I'm looking for some supplements for, er, a friend of mine, she's not as supple as she used to be so...

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I need to know a lot of other things.

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-Right.

-Age.

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70 to 90.

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You could try vitamins.

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A multivitamin might help my friend get the legs behind the head.

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-No.

-No, no.

-At that age, no.

-No.

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And do you have anything for, say, if a lady had a particular problem

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-with, er, feminine dryness in a particular area, have you got something for that?

-Yes.

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# Baby let me love you now... #

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-So as soon as you whack this on, whoosh, you're away, yeah?

-No.

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-No.

-It takes time.

-It takes time.

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And do you have, um...?

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EXHALES

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# ..Honey got a booty like pow pow pow... #

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This is...

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# ..Wow oh wow... #

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-Sorry, could you just excuse me just for one second?

-Sure.

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There's just something I HAVE to do.

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# Loving you is easy cos you're beautiful

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# Making love with you

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# Is all I wanna do doo doo doo doo doo do... #

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Come on, sir. Sir!

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-Oh!

-Now that is a 1932 vintage, if I'm not mistaken, mm.

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-Hoo!

-I only came in for a pack of rubbers.

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..starring a persistently-sitting tenant,

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a policeman on our payroll

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and a mortified motorist.

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Hello there, sir.

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-Hiya.

-My name's Police Constable Brown, we're doing some spot checks in the area.

-OK.

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-There's been some burglaries, I don't know whether...

-I'm not from around here.

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If you'd like to open your boot, please, sir.

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Whoa!

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Excuse me, sir, what's this? Could you come over here for me?

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How did you get in my car?

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Excuse me, do you know this gentlemen, sir?

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No, I fucking don't.

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OK, careful with the language, sir. Just come and stand over here.

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What are you doing in this man's car, sir?

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-Well, I live here.

-You live in this car, sir?

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Yes, actually I think, when did I...?

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-Do you know this gentleman, sir?

-No, sir.

-Is this a joke?

-I've been here for about three weeks.

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I'm actually shaking.

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Why is this man in the boot of your car?

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I don't know, sir, that's what I'm trying to say.

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-I live here.

-Excuse me, sir, I'm going to ask you again,

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why is a man living in the boot of your car?

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-I don't know, sir.

-Right, I'll have your name please, sir.

-My name?

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-What is your name?

-Mine?

-Yes, sir?

-Peter Michaels, nice to see you.

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Mr Michaels, I won't be shaking your hand, sir. How did you get into the boot of this car, sir?

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-Well, I have my own keys, obviously.

-Have you given this man a set of keys?

-No, I haven't.

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-Here.

-Have you given this man a set of keys?

-No.

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-Well, where did you get the keys, sir?

-From the estate agent.

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-Which estate agent is this. sir?

-Just round the corner.

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Would you stand here? Thank you, next to me, please, sir.

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Sierra Alpha 213, Sierra Alpha 414, possible kidnap situation going on here.

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Right, you're either sub-letting the back of this vehicle for a habitat

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-or you know this gentlemen, which is it going to be?

-No, neither.

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I don't know who he is and he's pouring water in my car.

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-Er, no, I live here.

-Right, sir, I am arresting you for carrying an unsafe and dangerous load.

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Excuse me, if you're all done here, could you close the front door, please?

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..starring a prog-rock relic

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on a shopping spree

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and a man that sells things.

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This funky-haired fool is looking for a new vacuum cleaner

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and, like any normal person, wishes to try it before he buys it.

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-I'm looking for a vacuum cleaner, er, what've you got?

-There, basically.

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-OK, can I have a look at this?

-Yeah.

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Don't you find the most satisfying thing about a vacuum cleaner

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is watching the cable go whizzing in?

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-Yes.

-OK, right, here we go, three, two, one...

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That's pretty bloody good, in't it?

0:16:050:16:07

Can you just put that back in for me, please?

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Yeah, it's very powerful.

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Oops! I just sucked your pen up.

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-If it can take a pen, let's have a look at this.

-Hold up, hold up, hold up.

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There you are...

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Right, come and have a look at this.

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-What the fuck?

-This is what killed me last vacuum cleaner,

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let's just see if this beauty

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can withstand the power of the wriggling babies...

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Wouldn't you like to be one of these little blighters now?

0:16:520:16:55

Whizzing up this tube, woo, at 300mph!

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Eh, look at that! It's amazing, isn't it?

0:17:020:17:05

Oh, right, well, I tell you what, mate,

0:17:070:17:11

I've, er, tried it and I ain't going to buy it.

0:17:110:17:15

You've probably got about three weeks till they hatch.

0:17:150:17:20

Introducing a celebrity agent provocateur

0:17:270:17:32

and a talented young star.

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Well, David look let's cut straight to the chase, do you want to be a celebrity?

0:17:380:17:44

-Yes.

-You do. Do you want magazines?

-Yes.

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-You want photographers outside your house?

-Yes.

0:17:480:17:51

-You want to be talked about?

-Yes.

-Yes.

0:17:510:17:53

So what I'm going to do is throw a few scenarios at you and just see

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how you would cope with these, right?

0:17:570:17:59

I've taken you out to a nice, swanky, posh club for something to eat

0:17:590:18:03

and look, behind, over there, see who it is,

0:18:030:18:05

Mr Big Fat Cigar, right, he's looking for a muscular pop star.

0:18:050:18:09

I don't see any muscles around here, do you?

0:18:090:18:11

There you go, right, you've caught his eye now,

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that's a good thing.

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Now, you need to start singing, don't ya?

0:18:200:18:22

I'm going to give you something to sing about. Here, Post-it notes.

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# You have a girl What is her name?

0:18:250:18:27

# Write her name on here and stick it on her left tit

0:18:270:18:31

# You have her name on her left tit while you're sucking it

0:18:310:18:34

# You see what her name is You date her sister

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# You stick it on the right one Anything you want to know

0:18:380:18:41

# You write it on the Post-it

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# Your father What is his mistress's name?

0:18:440:18:46

-# Stick it there... #

-Dancing, dancing.

0:18:460:18:49

# I have a Post-it for your girlfriend

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# Where does she want it? Take it anywhere she wants it

0:18:510:18:56

# Dance, skip, do a spin, Where do you want your Post-it? #

0:18:560:19:02

I've had about six people in here today,

0:19:020:19:05

you've just blown my right sock off.

0:19:050:19:07

DAVID LAUGHS

0:19:070:19:08

David, you got any addictions?

0:19:080:19:11

Er, smoking and gym.

0:19:110:19:12

To get people on this conveyor belt

0:19:120:19:14

and turn them into celebrities,

0:19:140:19:16

addictions are actually, well, useful.

0:19:160:19:18

I have a few of these lying around David,

0:19:180:19:21

because I get the sniffles when it's wintertime.

0:19:210:19:24

With these inhalers, I want you to try and hide your inhaler habit

0:19:240:19:28

and I'm going to be a reporter for a magazine.

0:19:280:19:31

David, you've just come out of the jungle, what were that like?

0:19:320:19:36

There's bits and pieces I'm not proud of

0:19:360:19:38

and you know I've got a girlfriend. Do you want some?

0:19:380:19:42

How many do you get through a day? Go on?

0:19:420:19:43

I wouldn't say it's a problem, but if you take...

0:19:430:19:47

Leave them up there, let me have a look at you,

0:19:470:19:49

someone's getting a shot of you now with a camera. That's it.

0:19:490:19:52

Right, this is what it's all about, David,

0:19:520:19:54

this is running the extra mile, this is pushing the extra brick.

0:19:540:19:59

Right, you see that door there?

0:19:590:20:01

I want you to go out that door, you're not going into a corridor but into a closet,

0:20:010:20:05

and then you're going to come back into my office and you're coming out of the closet

0:20:050:20:09

and you're into this office to come out of the closet, yeah?

0:20:090:20:12

DOOR CLOSES

0:20:130:20:15

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:20:150:20:16

Come in.

0:20:160:20:17

-So I've been hiding it for long enough.

-What?

0:20:220:20:24

Um, that I like dick. I was with my girlfriend last night

0:20:240:20:27

and it wasn't cutting it, all I could think about was a nice, juicy cock.

0:20:270:20:32

Right, well, I don't usually mince my words.

0:20:320:20:34

I've thought about it, I think me and you should work together.

0:20:340:20:37

-Do you want me to represent you?

-Yes.

-Great, fantastic.

0:20:370:20:42

Starring a sweet little old lady,

0:20:440:20:48

a ball bag

0:20:480:20:51

and a very helpful young man.

0:20:510:20:54

Oh, thank you. I'm already half an hour late to get to bingo

0:20:570:21:00

at the community centre.

0:21:000:21:02

There we go.

0:21:020:21:04

Oh! Oh! Oh, dear.

0:21:040:21:06

Oh, no!

0:21:060:21:09

MUSIC: "Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez

0:21:090:21:13

Oh, they are everywhere! They're absolutely everywhere!

0:21:130:21:16

If I hold the bag, could you...? Oh, thank you.

0:21:160:21:19

They're absolutely everywhere, absolutely everywhere, oh!

0:21:190:21:24

Oh, thank you very much.

0:21:240:21:28

I need to give you something, cos you've been so helpful.

0:21:280:21:32

Let me just...

0:21:320:21:33

Oh, no, it's happened again!

0:21:330:21:36

Oh, golly, I can't believe I've done that.

0:21:440:21:47

There we are, if you can get them again, that would be lovely.

0:21:480:21:51

-Yeah.

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, my God.

0:21:510:21:53

You tell me the number. Oh, a sticky eyeball, 18. Legs 11 there. Legs 11.

0:21:530:21:59

Mickey Mouse, number 12.

0:21:590:22:02

-Oh, thank you.

-Hold them tight.

0:22:020:22:05

Could you just grab that for me? I've just dropped them. Can you get that for me? Thank you.

0:22:050:22:10

Oh, no they've gone everywhere, they've gone absolutely everywhere.

0:22:120:22:16

Pisspops, presenting a local man

0:22:210:22:24

with an unusual sideline

0:22:240:22:25

in frozen goods

0:22:250:22:27

and an innocent handyman who's just here to fix the ceiling.

0:22:270:22:31

HE WHISTLES, DOORBELL RINGS

0:22:350:22:38

Hiya, my name's Bill, I'm your handyman.

0:22:380:22:40

Ah, hey up, mate, how are you?

0:22:400:22:43

This is the job in hand. Two little holes here just need filling and if you can paint it, would be perfect.

0:22:430:22:51

-Right.

-Just going to nip to the little man's room just to spend a penny.

0:22:510:22:55

LOUD URINATION

0:22:560:22:59

Phew, that's a strong one, isn't it?

0:23:070:23:11

Whoa, lovely.

0:23:110:23:13

Let's get these little puppies in the freezer,

0:23:130:23:17

get them getting nice and hard, solidifying.

0:23:170:23:21

So is that like a sideline that you do?

0:23:210:23:23

Exactly that, yeah. The kids go absolutely mad for them.

0:23:230:23:28

We've all got what it takes to be able to produce these things,

0:23:280:23:31

it's just a matter of putting your mind to it.

0:23:310:23:33

I'm being ever so rude here. Would you like one?

0:23:330:23:36

-I'll try it.

-Yeah, go on, there you go.

0:23:360:23:40

-What's in that?

-It's a pisspop.

0:23:430:23:46

A pisspop?

0:23:460:23:48

No?! Is that why you keep going to the toilet?

0:23:500:23:54

Is that what you make it from?

0:23:560:23:57

-Special recipe.

-Bloody hell!

0:23:570:24:01

Mate, do you want me to tell you all about pisspops?

0:24:010:24:04

No, you carry on, it's all right.

0:24:040:24:06

Come on, that's it.

0:24:060:24:08

I've got something to show you and I've got something to tell ya,

0:24:120:24:17

because I am only going to say this the once.

0:24:170:24:21

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:24:240:24:28

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

0:24:280:24:32

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

0:24:320:24:36

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:24:360:24:40

# You want refreshment in the stifling heat

0:24:420:24:46

# Your tongues are reachin' out for my frozen treat

0:24:460:24:50

# So icy hard it never slips when it drips

0:24:500:24:54

# Our teeth are gleaming as it tingles our lips

0:24:540:24:57

-ALL:

-# Pisspops, pisspops

0:24:570:25:02

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

0:25:020:25:05

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

0:25:050:25:09

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:25:090:25:13

# There was a sad, sad time when I was down and out

0:25:160:25:23

-# I'd spent my every penny I was in a drought.

-Aw!

0:25:230:25:32

# My well had run so dry and all the kids were sad

0:25:320:25:40

# Not one last pisspop at the bottom of my nads

0:25:400:25:48

# How did I escape those dire straits?

0:25:480:25:53

# What did you do?

0:25:530:25:56

# I had a few more pints and I opened up the gates

0:25:560:26:04

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:26:040:26:07

# You're in for a Sugar Puffy pot pourri

0:26:070:26:11

# Plenty here for you and me when we wee-wee-wee

0:26:110:26:15

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:26:150:26:18

# Those pisspops, how we love them

0:26:180:26:19

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:26:190:26:21

# Pisspops, pisspops. #

0:26:240:26:29

-ALL:

-Ewww!

0:26:300:26:32

Thank you and good night.

0:26:320:26:35

-You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

-Eh?

0:26:370:26:41

Round of applause!

0:26:410:26:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:430:26:44

You're on a new BBC Three hidden camera show.

0:26:440:26:47

CHEERING

0:26:470:26:50

Round of applause!

0:26:520:26:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:110:27:15

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:150:27:18

Rave Monkey experiences a momentary lapse of reason in front of a fishmonger, there's more Lady Mash-up as Flash Harry displays his ample charms to a bemused barman, and a unwitting handyman is treated to a bodaciously bad-taste cabaret in a normally quiet cul-de-sac.