Episode 5 The Pranker

Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey. A master of mischief,

his mind a cyclone of stupidity,

this is what happens when he spins out of control and crashes into the real world.

This programme contains some strong language.

This is running the extra mile.

Oh, dear.

Errr.

-What the fuck?

-Lady Mash,

featuring an average Northern man requiring refreshment

and a bemused Brazilian barman.

Hey up, mate, um, just a pint of dandelion and burdock, please, mate.

Sure.

Sorry, I've just been talking to my manager and we don't have any of that at the moment.

Are you telling me that you haven't got any dandelion and burdock?

Yes, that's what I just told you.

-What is it that you're really after?

-Whatever you want to drink I can offer you.

I want a pint of dandelion and burdock and I know what you want.

It's written all over your face. You men, you're ALL the same.

OK, if that's the way that you want to play it,

let's do it, let's have it your way.

MUSIC: "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette

Are you happy now?

Fine, here we go, are you watching this? Just for you, but a deal is as deal, yeah?

There we go.

Yeah, there you go mate, now you've got what you want,

can I please have what I want?

If you can cover these for me, that would be great. I'll try to help you.

Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn't want to see these things?

I don't want to see them.

You really should stop leading people on, all right?

Meanwhile, fish 'n' trips, starring a man

who's mangled his tiny mind

with drugs and a fishmonger

in for a sexy treat.

PACEY RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

Hey up, mate, just one sec, I can't get me bloody music off, hang on.

There we go. How you doing?

-I'm fine, how are you today?

-Yeah, I'm all right, I'm after a fish believe it or not,

-that looks bloody good, don't it, that one, what's that one?

-It's called tilapia.

Look at the eyeballs on that, they're like on stalks, aren't they?

It looks like that fish has been larging it all weekend.

I could really, really fall in love with that fish.

Hey, come here.

Come here, beautiful.

-Hey, where've you been all me life?

-Are you going to buy the fish, man?

This isn't a fish, it's a mermaid.

Wow, you're beautiful.

Ross, you're making me so wet!

Come here and kiss me, you skinny little monkey.

Ugh!

Make love to me right here, right now.

Bloody hell, where do I put it?

Oh, Oh!

Oh, Ross,

you're the best lover I've ever had.

Yeah, I've never made love to a half-woman half-fish...

fish...fish...

Whoa-ho-ho! Flashback! There, all right.

Cheers. Whoo...

PACEY RAVE MUSIC

..featuring a hopeless romantic,

an entire restaurant wise to the wind-up

and the luscious

but unenlightened Lakeisha.

Lakeisha has been set up on a blind date from hell

by one of her friends.

-Your accent.

-Yes.

-I love your accent.

-Thank you.

-Where are you from?

-Texas.

What she doesn't know is she's having dinner with the most allergic man on the planet.

How would you say it sort of compared

working in Dallas compared to working back over here?

Um...

So why have you put foil on your glass?

It's like dust, you see, if I was to put... If dust gets in the drink.

Do you take any tablets or anything?

Oh, you wouldn't believe, you pick me up and shake me, I'd rattle.

-I've got so many inside me, I can't actually see at the moment.

-Oh, my God.

Do you mind if I ask if you're wearing any perfume at all?

I am wearing perfume, is that it? I'm so sorry.

Don't apologise, you smell absolutely gorgeous,

but to me it's literally like someone's sat here

-just squirting sulphuric acid into my eyes.

-I'm sorry.

-Um, could you do me a favour and just sort of wipe your perfume?

-Sure.

-I'll just pop to the loo.

-OK, that's fine, there we go.

-Thank you.

-Thanks very much, thanks very much, I'll see you in one second.

-All right.

-Are you doing well?

-Mmm.

My tongue, my tongue...

Your tongue is swollen?

-A bit.

-Should I go? I'm so sorry.

-No, no.

-I'm so sorry.

-No!

Does it look OK?

Oh, my gosh, it's still swollen.

-HE MUMBLES

-Yeah...

Mm-hm.

Sorry? A...?

-Do you have a fan? A fan?

-Yes,

-Yeah, I think so. I'll go and check.

-OK.

-Hope that's OK for you.

-Sorry.

Squirt it? Like that?

-Is that good?

-Mmm.

All right? Got it?

-Aha.

-OK.

How can I say no to that face?

..introducing some Sopranos wannabes.

And a man with a big cake to deliver.

Some Sicilian silly bugger has ordered a homecoming cake,

but the way this family operates means they don't pay for things.

Hiya, delivery for Ross Corleone, yeah?

-ITALIAN ACCENT: Hey, what have we got here? Yeah, that's nice.

-You like it?

Welcome home, Granddad, he going to go crazy.

There you go.

-OK, what's the damage?

-65.

65? Let me get it, two minutes.

OK, yeah.

Hey, ciao! De scrachia?

De Rosco?

-Oh, yeah.

-Rosco! Your money-o dispacio, scrachi?

-No, sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

-You, stay.

-Mm-hmm.

-For two momento.

Would you be able to give them a call and see if we can take the payment over a card

because he's speaking in Italian and I can't understand.

-Hiya.

-You look like you're hungry.

-No, I'm fine.

-I make some pizza, I fill your belly.

-No, no, my belly is fine.

-Yeah?

You like-a the pepperoni, yeah?

-No, I'm absolutely fine. I need to collect £65 for the cake.

-OK.

I'm going to talk to the Don and then I'll get you the green.

-Thank you very much.

-OK.

-No problem.

-OK, OK...

-HE GRUNTS

-Hiya.

Are you able to pay for the cake?

Hey, you come to my house,

asking me for the money?

When I give you the money, what you going to do for me?

I've already done what I'm supposed to do - give you a cake.

You want-a money or you want me to do you a favour, Cakes? I'll call you Cakes.

That's fine, you can call me Cakes.

I can do a lot for you, Cakes.

-I'm sure you could but my job is just to take the money and deliver the cakes.

-I like you, Cakes.

-That's good to know.

-Hey, Cakes.

-I'm good here, sir.

You're good here, I'm good there. OK, Cakes, I'll see you.

..introducing a man with a vintage libido,

our game-for-a-laugh granny

and a pharmacist under fire.

I'm looking for some supplements for, er, a friend of mine, she's not as supple as she used to be so...

I need to know a lot of other things.

-Right.

-Age.

70 to 90.

You could try vitamins.

A multivitamin might help my friend get the legs behind the head.

-No.

-No, no.

-At that age, no.

-No.

And do you have anything for, say, if a lady had a particular problem

-with, er, feminine dryness in a particular area, have you got something for that?

-Yes.

# Baby let me love you now... #

-So as soon as you whack this on, whoosh, you're away, yeah?

-No.

-No.

-It takes time.

-It takes time.

And do you have, um...?

EXHALES

# ..Honey got a booty like pow pow pow... #

This is...

# ..Wow oh wow... #

-Sorry, could you just excuse me just for one second?

-Sure.

There's just something I HAVE to do.

# Loving you is easy cos you're beautiful

# Making love with you

# Is all I wanna do doo doo doo doo doo do... #

Come on, sir. Sir!

-Oh!

-Now that is a 1932 vintage, if I'm not mistaken, mm.

-Hoo!

-I only came in for a pack of rubbers.

..starring a persistently-sitting tenant,

a policeman on our payroll

and a mortified motorist.

Hello there, sir.

-Hiya.

-My name's Police Constable Brown, we're doing some spot checks in the area.

-OK.

-There's been some burglaries, I don't know whether...

-I'm not from around here.

If you'd like to open your boot, please, sir.

Whoa!

Excuse me, sir, what's this? Could you come over here for me?

How did you get in my car?

Excuse me, do you know this gentlemen, sir?

No, I fucking don't.

OK, careful with the language, sir. Just come and stand over here.

What are you doing in this man's car, sir?

-Well, I live here.

-You live in this car, sir?

Yes, actually I think, when did I...?

-Do you know this gentleman, sir?

-No, sir.

-Is this a joke?

-I've been here for about three weeks.

I'm actually shaking.

Why is this man in the boot of your car?

I don't know, sir, that's what I'm trying to say.

-I live here.

-Excuse me, sir, I'm going to ask you again,

why is a man living in the boot of your car?

-I don't know, sir.

-Right, I'll have your name please, sir.

-My name?

-What is your name?

-Mine?

-Yes, sir?

-Peter Michaels, nice to see you.

Mr Michaels, I won't be shaking your hand, sir. How did you get into the boot of this car, sir?

-Well, I have my own keys, obviously.

-Have you given this man a set of keys?

-No, I haven't.

-Here.

-Have you given this man a set of keys?

-No.

-Well, where did you get the keys, sir?

-From the estate agent.

-Which estate agent is this. sir?

-Just round the corner.

Would you stand here? Thank you, next to me, please, sir.

Sierra Alpha 213, Sierra Alpha 414, possible kidnap situation going on here.

Right, you're either sub-letting the back of this vehicle for a habitat

-or you know this gentlemen, which is it going to be?

-No, neither.

I don't know who he is and he's pouring water in my car.

-Er, no, I live here.

-Right, sir, I am arresting you for carrying an unsafe and dangerous load.

Excuse me, if you're all done here, could you close the front door, please?

..starring a prog-rock relic

on a shopping spree

and a man that sells things.

This funky-haired fool is looking for a new vacuum cleaner

and, like any normal person, wishes to try it before he buys it.

-I'm looking for a vacuum cleaner, er, what've you got?

-There, basically.

-OK, can I have a look at this?

-Yeah.

Don't you find the most satisfying thing about a vacuum cleaner

is watching the cable go whizzing in?

-Yes.

-OK, right, here we go, three, two, one...

That's pretty bloody good, in't it?

Can you just put that back in for me, please?

Yeah, it's very powerful.

Oops! I just sucked your pen up.

-If it can take a pen, let's have a look at this.

-Hold up, hold up, hold up.

There you are...

Right, come and have a look at this.

-What the fuck?

-This is what killed me last vacuum cleaner,

let's just see if this beauty

can withstand the power of the wriggling babies...

Wouldn't you like to be one of these little blighters now?

Whizzing up this tube, woo, at 300mph!

Eh, look at that! It's amazing, isn't it?

Oh, right, well, I tell you what, mate,

I've, er, tried it and I ain't going to buy it.

You've probably got about three weeks till they hatch.

Introducing a celebrity agent provocateur

and a talented young star.

Well, David look let's cut straight to the chase, do you want to be a celebrity?

-Yes.

-You do. Do you want magazines?

-Yes.

-You want photographers outside your house?

-Yes.

-You want to be talked about?

-Yes.

-Yes.

So what I'm going to do is throw a few scenarios at you and just see

how you would cope with these, right?

I've taken you out to a nice, swanky, posh club for something to eat

and look, behind, over there, see who it is,

Mr Big Fat Cigar, right, he's looking for a muscular pop star.

I don't see any muscles around here, do you?

There you go, right, you've caught his eye now,

that's a good thing.

Now, you need to start singing, don't ya?

I'm going to give you something to sing about. Here, Post-it notes.

# You have a girl What is her name?

# Write her name on here and stick it on her left tit

# You have her name on her left tit while you're sucking it

# You see what her name is You date her sister

# You stick it on the right one Anything you want to know

# You write it on the Post-it

# Your father What is his mistress's name?

-# Stick it there... #

-Dancing, dancing.

# I have a Post-it for your girlfriend

# Where does she want it? Take it anywhere she wants it

# Dance, skip, do a spin, Where do you want your Post-it? #

I've had about six people in here today,

you've just blown my right sock off.

DAVID LAUGHS

David, you got any addictions?

Er, smoking and gym.

To get people on this conveyor belt

and turn them into celebrities,

addictions are actually, well, useful.

I have a few of these lying around David,

because I get the sniffles when it's wintertime.

With these inhalers, I want you to try and hide your inhaler habit

and I'm going to be a reporter for a magazine.

David, you've just come out of the jungle, what were that like?

There's bits and pieces I'm not proud of

and you know I've got a girlfriend. Do you want some?

How many do you get through a day? Go on?

I wouldn't say it's a problem, but if you take...

Leave them up there, let me have a look at you,

someone's getting a shot of you now with a camera. That's it.

Right, this is what it's all about, David,

this is running the extra mile, this is pushing the extra brick.

Right, you see that door there?

I want you to go out that door, you're not going into a corridor but into a closet,

and then you're going to come back into my office and you're coming out of the closet

and you're into this office to come out of the closet, yeah?

DOOR CLOSES

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Come in.

-So I've been hiding it for long enough.

-What?

Um, that I like dick. I was with my girlfriend last night

and it wasn't cutting it, all I could think about was a nice, juicy cock.

Right, well, I don't usually mince my words.

I've thought about it, I think me and you should work together.

-Do you want me to represent you?

-Yes.

-Great, fantastic.

Starring a sweet little old lady,

a ball bag

and a very helpful young man.

Oh, thank you. I'm already half an hour late to get to bingo

at the community centre.

There we go.

Oh! Oh! Oh, dear.

Oh, no!

MUSIC: "Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez

Oh, they are everywhere! They're absolutely everywhere!

If I hold the bag, could you...? Oh, thank you.

They're absolutely everywhere, absolutely everywhere, oh!

Oh, thank you very much.

I need to give you something, cos you've been so helpful.

Let me just...

Oh, no, it's happened again!

Oh, golly, I can't believe I've done that.

There we are, if you can get them again, that would be lovely.

-Yeah.

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, my God.

You tell me the number. Oh, a sticky eyeball, 18. Legs 11 there. Legs 11.

Mickey Mouse, number 12.

-Oh, thank you.

-Hold them tight.

Could you just grab that for me? I've just dropped them. Can you get that for me? Thank you.

Oh, no they've gone everywhere, they've gone absolutely everywhere.

Pisspops, presenting a local man

with an unusual sideline

in frozen goods

and an innocent handyman who's just here to fix the ceiling.

HE WHISTLES, DOORBELL RINGS

Hiya, my name's Bill, I'm your handyman.

Ah, hey up, mate, how are you?

This is the job in hand. Two little holes here just need filling and if you can paint it, would be perfect.

-Right.

-Just going to nip to the little man's room just to spend a penny.

LOUD URINATION

Phew, that's a strong one, isn't it?

Whoa, lovely.

Let's get these little puppies in the freezer,

get them getting nice and hard, solidifying.

So is that like a sideline that you do?

Exactly that, yeah. The kids go absolutely mad for them.

We've all got what it takes to be able to produce these things,

it's just a matter of putting your mind to it.

I'm being ever so rude here. Would you like one?

-I'll try it.

-Yeah, go on, there you go.

-What's in that?

-It's a pisspop.

A pisspop?

No?! Is that why you keep going to the toilet?

Is that what you make it from?

-Special recipe.

-Bloody hell!

Mate, do you want me to tell you all about pisspops?

No, you carry on, it's all right.

Come on, that's it.

I've got something to show you and I've got something to tell ya,

because I am only going to say this the once.

# Pisspops, pisspops

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

# Pisspops, pisspops

# You want refreshment in the stifling heat

# Your tongues are reachin' out for my frozen treat

# So icy hard it never slips when it drips

# Our teeth are gleaming as it tingles our lips

-ALL:

-# Pisspops, pisspops

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

# Pisspops, pisspops

# There was a sad, sad time when I was down and out

-# I'd spent my every penny I was in a drought.

-Aw!

# My well had run so dry and all the kids were sad

# Not one last pisspop at the bottom of my nads

# How did I escape those dire straits?

# What did you do?

# I had a few more pints and I opened up the gates

# Pisspops, pisspops

# You're in for a Sugar Puffy pot pourri

# Plenty here for you and me when we wee-wee-wee

# Pisspops, pisspops

# Those pisspops, how we love them

# Pisspops, pisspops

# Pisspops, pisspops. #

-ALL:

-Ewww!

Thank you and good night.

-You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

-Eh?

Round of applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're on a new BBC Three hidden camera show.

CHEERING

Round of applause!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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