Episode 6 The Pranker


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Episode 6

Hidden camera comedy. Compilation of best bits, featuring a possessed hippy, a big cat, a bald man, a nymphomaniac mermaid, some frozen urine and a gay man who isn't.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking, and the public his prey.

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A master of mischief, this is what happens when he spins out of control

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and crashes into the real world.

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Take all your shit and fuck off now.

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MAN SHOUTS IN PANIC

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Ross, come in, Ross.

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SHOUTING CONTINUES THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY

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At a garden centre somewhere,

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this bouffant buffoon is searching for a new barbeque.

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-All right, mate.

-Can you do us a favour, pal? Can you show me how this works?

-Turn it on.

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Oh, right, it's gas. If I'm going to buy it, I need to try it, you know?

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Am I all right just having a look at it for a couple of minutes,

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-before I decide, then I'll give you a shout?

-No worries.

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Are you having a laugh? Get it off.

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-Get what off?

-Take all that stuff off.

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-They're nearly ready these, look.

-Take them off and get out.

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-Have a beer, chill out, relax, come on.

-Take all your shit...

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Look, I'm not going to buy it if I've not tried it, here you are.

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I don't care, take your stuff and go.

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-Are you a vegetarian?

-No, no, shut up and get out.

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Come on, what's wrong with you? It's a bit ungrateful.

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Here I am cooking us some burgers, what am I supposed to put them in?

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Here, would you say that were cooked?

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Look, take your hat. Now, you see that exit? Go, now.

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-Because...

-Go now.

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-Because I need to...

-Go now.

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Cos, could I have a sausage?

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-Go away.

-Look, right, if you buy a car, if you buy a car,

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sometimes you've got to test drive the actual car,

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do you know what I mean?

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-Do us a favour.

-Yeah?

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Fuck off now and take your fucking stuff!

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Meanwhile, across town...

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I was just wondering if you could help me.

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I've got this bit of a problem,

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and I was just wondering if, if you've got anything for it.

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OK.

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It's a bit embarrassing, it's a lump that's come up on my chest.

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Well, I say a lump, it's more like, more like two lumps.

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-Right.

-Is it all right, can I show you?

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-Sure.

-Is that OK? Let me just..

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Right, have you got anything for this?

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Definitely not.

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No.

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-How long has that been there?

-Well, couple of months now.

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-Have you been to a doctor about it?

-Not yet, no.

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You certainly need to go.

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When I get cold, they shrink,

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they retract sort of into my... into my body.

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This is something I've never seen.

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Certainly there will be no creams for that.

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OK, the other thing I've noticed, I don't know if it's related, is, if I cough,

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they sort of rise upwards and then drop down.

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If you watch...

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What do you think it might be?

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Could be some sort of tumourous growth,

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maybe not a deadly cancer, but some sort of growth.

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You can't treat this over the counter.

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So why would it be then that every time I listen to, say, hip hop music

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I get a strong urge to hold them?

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I don't know. No, I don't. No idea.

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-Strange.

-Yeah.

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OK, well, thank you so much for trying to help me.

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-I appreciate that.

-No problem, it's fine.

-Thanks, it's driving me nuts but, um,

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-thank you very much.

-OK.

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New age Ross is house hunting

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and it's Neil's job to sell him one,

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but Ross is more interested in what the spirits have to say.

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Do you know why the current owners are renting the place out?

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-No.

-Do you know if they've been happy?

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-I imagine they have, yeah.

-Yeah?

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Yeah, I mean it looks like a happy house, so...

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I'm sensing something quite sad that took place.

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Do you want to look upstairs?

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Great.

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There's many spirits in this room,

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there's a beautiful lady that I can see here, called Rosemary.

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Right.

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-Rosemary, she thinks we should take the place.

-That's good, yeah.

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In fact, Neil,

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could you just give me one minute on my own in the room,

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just to deal with the spirit, just to get a feel for the energy?

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-Yeah.

-Thank you, thank you.

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I need to get some pictures,

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-I'm just going to quickly set up downstairs, so...

-OK, OK.

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MAN: And so, the next thing I realised was I was there and I was going, "Oh, yeah, here you are."

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Yeah, yeah, yeah...

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INAUDIBLE

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..steps, and there was this chair, and I was going...

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Fuck, Ross, what you doing, man? Oh, Ross.

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Ah...aahhh!

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Oh, fuck!

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ROSS CONTINUES TO MUTTER TO HIMSELF

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Dan, you've got to get here, mate,

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this guy's a fuck... he's got like skulls and shit.

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Dan, you've got to come here quick, man.

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The geezer's just like...

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Dan, seriously, mate, you'd better come here now.

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ROSS SQUAWKS AND GRUNTS

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Oh, Dan, man, this geezer's just fucking...

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Shall I ring the police?

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Oh, I'm going to ring the police, mate.

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Look what you've done to the landlord's sheet!

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Ross, what you doing? Ross, we've got to go, we've got to leave.

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ROSS SHRIEKS

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HE MAKES ANIMAL NOISES

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You can't do this.

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HE SHRIEKS

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Ross?

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SHRIEKING AND GROANING

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Ross, you've got to get up, you've got to leave.

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You know, I don't want to be negative, but I don't think this is the right house for me.

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That's fine. Mate, we've got to go though, seriously, you can't...

0:07:010:07:05

Hello, Darren?

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I need somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet, yeah?

0:07:060:07:09

-Right, OK.

-OK.

0:07:090:07:12

Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype.

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..And her boyfriend, Mark.

0:07:220:07:25

-How are you both today? Are you all right?

-Yeah, we're fine.

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Georgina has set up her boyfriend, Mark,

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because he turns into a green-eyed monster when other chaps pay her attention.

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She's brought him along to enjoy a massage.

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He's no need to stress

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because masseuse Mikael is very obviously gay...ish.

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Mmm! That's lovely, I could eat you alive.

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Here, look at him looking a bit bad tempered.

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-What? No, I'm, I've never said...

-It's OK.

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A bloke sniffing me missus's neck.

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-Know what I mean?

-No, it's OK, I'm gay.

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-Oh, right.

-You see around this area here...

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-Yeah.

-..there's definitely a knot.

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Now, listen, I'm just going to try something here. If you don't mind...

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Oh, yeah, does that feel any different?

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It does, it feels more supported.

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If that weight is lifted up then you're going to feel less pressure.

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Pop yourself behind that screen, right.

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I'm going to give you something that just might help - be a bit more comfortable for you.

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Oh, right.

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There you go, right.

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Before you put that on,

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-I just want to take a photograph, right.

-Yeah.

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What? What's that for?

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Well, what it is, she can then look at the picture

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and she can see how she's holding herself.

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She can also see where the stress lines are, right?

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So, stand up nice and straight.

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-Right, just put one hand on your hip, that's it.

-On her hip?

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Come on. That's it, that's it, there we go.

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Some nice, relaxing music should do the trick.

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MUSIC STARTS

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What I need to do is film this treatment, this process.

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-Yes.

-Is that all right? So...

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Sounds like a porno movie.

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Move your hips a bit... Right, how does that feel?

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-What do you mean, move her hips?

-Are you all right there?

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Not really.

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You will be, don't you worry.

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I'm just going to pop that over there, you relax.

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There we go. Right, OK, right, take that off.

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Oh, fantastic, aren't they? They're really soft.

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What, what are you touching?

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-You what, mate?

-"You what, mate." What you touching? What's really soft?

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It's OK, I'm gay.

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Fuck me, if you're gay, I'm the queen.

0:09:430:09:45

-There we go, pull that.

-Pull what?

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Do you want to just come round the screen slowly?

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That's it. Oh, fantastic, how does that feel?

0:09:510:09:55

-Feels great.

-Right, right. Listen now.

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-Walk slowly towards the camera.

-Something ain't right here.

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-Just relax, calm down.

-How can I relax when you're filming my missus dressed like that

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to bloody porno music?

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It's couples massage music, don't you worry.

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-Bollocks! Go get fucking changed.

-I'm just going to get down low here right, there we go, right.

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Go and get fucking changed.

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Walk past. Slower, slower.

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What?! Do you feel better now, do you?

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It's OK, I'm gay.

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MAN: Oh, yeah.

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..Featuring an average northern man requiring refreshment

0:10:340:10:37

and a bemused Brazilian barman.

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'Ey up, mate, um, just a pint of dandelion and burdock, please, mate.

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Burdock... Sorry, I've just been talking to my manager

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and we don't have any of that at the moment.

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Are you telling me you haven't got any dandelion and burdock?

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-Yes, that's what I've been told.

-What is it that you're really after?

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Whatever you want to drink I can offer you.

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I want a pint of dandelion and burdock

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and I know what you want.

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It's written all over your face.

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You men, you're all the same!

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OK, if that's the way that you want to play it,

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let's do it,

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let's have it your way.

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# Sometimes it's hard

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# To be a woman... #

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Are you happy now?

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Fine, here we go, are you watching this?

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Just for you.

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But a deal is a deal, yeah?

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There we go.

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Yeah?

0:11:400:11:42

There you go, mate, now you've got what you want,

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can I please have what I want?

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If you can cover these for me, that would be great,

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I'll try to help you.

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Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn't want to see these things?

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I don't want to see them.

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You really should stop leading people on, all right?

0:11:580:12:01

Presenting a local man with an unusual sideline in frozen goods

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and an innocent handyman who's just here to fix the ceiling.

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HE WHISTLES

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hello, Bill, your handyman.

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Ah, hey up, mate, how are you?

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This is the job in hand, two little holes here just need filling

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-and if you can paint it, would be perfect.

-Right.

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Just going to nip to the little man's room,

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just to spend a penny.

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TRICKLING

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Phew, that's a strong one, isn't it?

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Woah, lovely.

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Let's get these little puppies in the freezer,

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get them getting nice and hard, solidifying.

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-So is that a sideline that you do?

-Exactly that.

0:13:050:13:08

The kids go absolutely mad for them. We've all

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got what it takes to be able to produce these things,

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it's just a matter of putting your mind to it.

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Actually, I'm being ever so rude here. Would you like one?

0:13:180:13:21

-I'll try it.

-Yeah, go on. There you go.

0:13:210:13:24

What's in that?

0:13:270:13:28

It's a pisspop.

0:13:280:13:30

A pisspop?

0:13:300:13:32

No! Is that why you keep going to the toilet?

0:13:340:13:38

Is that what you make it from?

0:13:390:13:41

-Special recipe.

-Oh, bloody hell!

0:13:420:13:45

-Listen, mate, do you want me to tell you all about pisspops?

-No, you carry on, it's all right.

0:13:450:13:50

Come on, that's it.

0:13:500:13:52

I've got something to show you, Bill, and I've got something to tell you,

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because I am only going to say this the once.

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# Pisspops

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# Pisspops

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# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

0:14:120:14:16

# Lapping up a lovely as your temperature drops

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# Pisspops, pisspops

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# You want refreshment in the stifling heat

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# Your tongues are reaching out for my frozen treat

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# So icy hard it never slips when it drips

0:14:340:14:38

# Our teeth are gleaming as it tingles our lips

0:14:380:14:41

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:14:410:14:45

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

0:14:450:14:49

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

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# Pisspops, pisspops

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# There was a sad, sad time

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# When I was down and out

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# I'd spent my every penny

0:15:080:15:11

-# I was in a drought

-Ah!

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# My well had run so dry

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# And all the kids were sad

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# Not one last pisspop

0:15:240:15:27

# At the bottom of my nads

0:15:270:15:32

# How did I escape those dire straights?

0:15:320:15:36

What did you do?

0:15:360:15:39

# I had a few more pints

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# And I opened up the gates

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# Pisspops, pisspops

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# You're in for a sugar puffy potpourri

0:15:510:15:54

# Plenty here for you and me

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# When we wee wee wee

0:15:570:15:59

# Pisspops, pisspops

0:15:590:16:02

-# Oh, how we love them

-Pisspops

0:16:020:16:04

# Pisspops

0:16:040:16:07

# Pisspo-ps

0:16:080:16:11

Pisspops! #

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Starring a man who's mangled his tiny mind with drugs

0:16:190:16:23

and a fishmonger in for a sexy treat.

0:16:230:16:26

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON HIS HEADPHONES

0:16:320:16:35

Ey-up, mate. Just one sec, I can't get the bloody music off. Hang on.

0:16:350:16:39

-There we go. How you doing?

-I'm fine. How are you doing today?

0:16:400:16:43

All right. I'm after a fish, believe it or not.

0:16:430:16:46

That looks bloody good, that one. What's that one?

0:16:460:16:48

-It's called tilapia.

-Look at the eyeballs. They're like on stalks, man, aren't they?

0:16:480:16:52

It looks like that fish has been larging it all weekend.

0:16:520:16:55

I could really, really fall in love with that fish.

0:16:550:16:59

Hey, come here. Come here, beautiful.

0:16:590:17:03

Hey, where've you been all me life?

0:17:030:17:05

-Are you going to buy the fish, man?

-This isn't a fish, it's a mermaid.

0:17:050:17:09

Wow!

0:17:120:17:14

-You're beautiful.

-Ross, you're making me so wet!

0:17:140:17:18

Come here and kiss me, you skinny little monkey.

0:17:180:17:22

Come on!

0:17:280:17:29

Make love to me, right here, right now.

0:17:370:17:39

Bloody hell! Where do I put it?

0:17:390:17:41

Oh!

0:17:410:17:42

Oh!

0:17:430:17:45

Eew!

0:17:490:17:51

Oh, Ross, you're the best lover I've ever had.

0:17:550:17:59

Yeah, I've never made love to a half-woman, half-fish...fish...fish...

0:17:590:18:07

Whoa-ho-ho!

0:18:070:18:09

Flashback!

0:18:100:18:12

There you go, mate. Cheers.

0:18:130:18:15

Starring the head of security at a disused factory.

0:18:270:18:30

And special guest, Jay.

0:18:300:18:33

It's Jay's first day on the job and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.

0:18:330:18:38

Just us two today. Adam's just gone.

0:18:380:18:40

The only real ball-ache about this job

0:18:400:18:42

is there's got to be someone in this control room at all times.

0:18:420:18:45

Of course.

0:18:450:18:46

So, Jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.

0:18:460:18:50

Right, if you look at the monitor, you can I'm in sector one. Over.

0:19:020:19:07

Yeah, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

0:19:070:19:09

Ross to Jay. I'm now in what we call sector two.

0:19:120:19:18

I receive. I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

0:19:180:19:20

Peace out. Over.

0:19:220:19:25

Over.

0:19:250:19:26

Yeah, I see you in sector three now.

0:19:260:19:30

I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?

0:19:300:19:32

No, definitely not.

0:19:320:19:33

Ross? Come in.

0:19:420:19:44

Hello. Over.

0:19:470:19:48

Sector one. I've just seen a TIGER in sector one.

0:19:480:19:52

You what, mate?

0:19:540:19:55

I just saw a tiger in sector one.

0:19:550:19:59

Eh, fuck off, mate. Are you over it, like, you?

0:19:590:20:04

What, like a cat, a stray cat? A moggy?

0:20:040:20:08

No, mate, a big moggy.

0:20:080:20:10

Trust me, a big tiger - it had the stripes and everything. Over.

0:20:100:20:14

Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?

0:20:140:20:19

Be careful. Over.

0:20:200:20:21

Let's have a look, er...

0:20:210:20:24

Oh, what a surprise(!) It's, er, negative on the tiger

0:20:240:20:29

and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate. Over.

0:20:290:20:32

I'm not funny, mate, it's serious.

0:20:320:20:35

I did see it. I swear, I did see it.

0:20:350:20:37

ROSS LAUGHS

0:20:370:20:39

Knobhead! Over.

0:20:390:20:41

That was fucked up!

0:20:420:20:45

I'm just going to go for a quick piss now, all right? Over.

0:20:450:20:48

Received. Over.

0:20:480:20:49

That was fucked up!

0:20:490:20:52

CAMERA CLICKS

0:20:590:21:00

Oh, you bastard!

0:21:000:21:02

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:21:040:21:06

Hang on, mate. I'm having a piss, hang on!

0:21:060:21:10

There's definitely a tiger. I just saw it. Three times it's come back on our screen, man.

0:21:100:21:14

Fuck off, mate. A joke's a joke, innit?

0:21:140:21:17

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:21:200:21:21

Yeah, Jay.

0:21:230:21:24

Right, the tiger's in there, mate.

0:21:260:21:28

Oh, come on. This is getting a bit boring now, yeah?

0:21:300:21:33

This is actually my job. I've got to take it a little bit seriously.

0:21:330:21:36

I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers? Come on.

0:21:360:21:40

Ross, what is behind that post in front of you?

0:21:400:21:43

All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.

0:21:440:21:46

What, and darkness?

0:21:470:21:49

Yeah, yeah, darkness. Going into the darkness now.

0:21:490:21:53

Nothing going on, nothing to report...

0:21:530:21:56

TIGER ROARS Fuck me, there's a fucking tiger!

0:21:560:22:00

Oh, my God, it is...!

0:22:150:22:18

Fucking hell!

0:22:180:22:19

TIGER ROARS

0:22:190:22:21

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:22:210:22:23

CONFUSED RACKET COMES OVER RADIO

0:22:230:22:25

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:22:320:22:34

TIGER ROARS

0:22:380:22:41

Ross, come in, Ross.

0:22:420:22:44

Starring an entire restaurant that's wise to the wind up

0:23:390:23:42

and the beautifully oblivious Stephanie.

0:23:420:23:46

Stephanie's friends have set her up on a blind date from hell.

0:23:460:23:50

What lovely friends(!)

0:23:500:23:52

Cousin Dan says, "Oh, you'll bloody love her, she looks just like Pink."

0:23:520:23:56

-You're better looking than Pink.

-Oh, shush! Er...

0:23:560:24:00

So far, they're enjoying the restaurant

0:24:000:24:02

but Ross has chosen it because he has a score to settle.

0:24:020:24:06

My mum and dad were only here last week in this restaurant

0:24:060:24:10

but me mum came in that night absolutely crying her eyes out.

0:24:100:24:14

Me mum heard the chef go,

0:24:140:24:16

"This is for the old lady over there that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp."

0:24:160:24:20

He's not looking for romance, he's looking for revenge.

0:24:200:24:23

Are you ready for your order?

0:24:230:24:26

Sorry, I just appear to have, er...ripped the, er...

0:24:260:24:31

-Oh.

-I must've caught it under the bread.

0:24:310:24:33

-Sorry about that. Can I give you that back?

-Yeah, don't worry, that's OK.

0:24:330:24:37

-Right, do you know what you're...

-Yeah, can I have the tuna and shrimp, please?

0:24:370:24:41

Two of those. I'll have the same, thank you very much.

0:24:410:24:44

-Tuna and shrimp.

-Fantastic. Thank you very much.

0:24:440:24:47

-And tuna and shrimp pizza for you as well.

-Thank you.

0:24:470:24:50

-Enjoy.

-Thank you.

-That's great.

0:24:500:24:53

It's like a little, tiny blow torch, right?

0:24:550:24:59

-Oh, don't.

-No, that's all right. Look at that.

0:25:000:25:03

See what...

0:25:040:25:05

Wow, look at that.

0:25:090:25:11

Excuse me. Hi. This pizza, it's all burnt in the middle.

0:25:140:25:19

Look at that, it's rock-hard. Can I swap that, please, for a...

0:25:190:25:22

-Yeah, sure, so...

-It's almost like you've got a very small cooker in there

0:25:220:25:25

and it's concentrated on one bit of the pizza.

0:25:250:25:28

-Right...

-No...

0:25:280:25:29

-We're going to get some Champagne now.

-No.

-Trust me.

0:25:290:25:32

All you've got to do is bang me on my back. Ready?

0:25:320:25:34

-HE MAKES CHOKING SOUND

-No, don't. Please.

0:25:340:25:38

Just bang me.

0:25:390:25:40

Excuse me, are you OK? You all right?

0:25:440:25:47

-Oh, my goodness!

-What's that?

0:25:480:25:50

What on earth is that doing in my pizza? A Monopoly house.

0:25:500:25:53

-It looks like a Monopoly house.

-I don't even play Monopoly

0:25:530:25:56

How much is that worth in Monopoly? I don't know.

0:25:560:26:00

Can I offer you something as a, you know...

0:26:000:26:02

-Yes, please.

-..to say sorry, basically.

0:26:020:26:04

It's a result, isn't it?

0:26:060:26:07

If you say so.

0:26:070:26:10

I'm just going to go to the lavatory. I'll be right back.

0:26:100:26:13

Oh, no! I'm not...

0:26:170:26:18

I just got this out of toilet.

0:26:210:26:24

Sssh! Amazing.

0:26:240:26:25

-Did I get your feet?

-No.

-OK.

0:26:300:26:32

I don't know about you but I'm going to get out of here, right?

0:26:330:26:36

-This is a plan.

-No, stop it. I'm not having anything else to do with it.

0:26:360:26:42

-This is the restaurant.

-Ridiculous.

-Do you see where we are? We're there.

0:26:420:26:46

I'll go down here, cause a distraction

0:26:460:26:48

and then we're out of here.

0:26:480:26:50

And you just need to follow me, OK?

0:26:500:26:52

-No, I'm not doing anything.

-You ready?

-No.

0:26:520:26:55

Stephanie.

0:26:570:26:58

HE COUGHS

0:26:580:27:00

EXPLOSION

0:27:020:27:04

Come on! What you waiting...? Text us!

0:27:140:27:17

You have been watching...

0:27:250:27:27

You're on a hidden camera show for BBC Three.

0:27:270:27:29

Eh?

0:27:290:27:30

Round of applause.

0:27:300:27:31

CHEERING

0:27:310:27:33

Oh, you joker! You joker!

0:27:330:27:36

You're on a new BBC Three hidden camera show.

0:27:360:27:39

CHEERING

0:27:390:27:42

Why did I deserve it?

0:27:420:27:43

Because we just needed you to have some fun.

0:27:430:27:46

You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

0:27:460:27:50

You're a fucking prick!

0:27:500:27:52

-And you're right, I'm not actually gay.

-And you!

0:27:520:27:55

Oh, fucking hell!

0:27:550:27:56

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:590:28:02

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:020:28:05

Compilation of the best bits from the series, featuring a possessed hippy, a big cat, a bald man, a nymphomaniac mermaid, some frozen urine, a gay man who isn't and a surprising pair of chesticles.