Episode 6 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language.

?1.60, please. ?2.30. ?2.00, please.

So you gave me ?5.00, I give you ?2.00 change. Thanks.

A medium...

?3.00. ?2.00. That's ?2.00. What's up?

Yeah. I gave you 12 pence change.

What's that?

Well, I'm afraid it's now tied into a debt obligation,

which is secured against a sub-prime mortgage,

which has gone bad, so, unfortunately, no.

I had to use the extra pound for an internal bailout.

We made a bad debt on some junk bonds.

The commodity market's all over the place right now.

The price of coffee's going up and down.

In the time you gave me the cash and I gave you the change...

the price fluctuated.

I'm just a victim of the market, you know, like you.

So I can pay it off in instalments, maybe, one pence a week.

There's very little cash reserves and I've lent

what I was supposed to give to you to another guy,

so, until it comes back round,

I can't actually give you the cash back.

It's not lost. It's still in the system.

We'll conduct a full internal enquiry. Yeah, promise.

Deputy heads will roll if there's been any underhand behaviour, I assure you.

Welcome to Inside The Story!

I'm Dale Maily,

fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid!

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think!

Hello, I'm Dale Maily and today I'm getting inside the story

of my worst nightmare, Gay Pride!

'If you're homosexual and part of a same-sex couple in the UK,

'then you can enter into a civil(!) partnership.

'But give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

'Now they want the same rights to marriage as us normal people!

'And, like the Keep Marriage Special campaign said, if we legalise

'same-sex marriage we might as well legalise incest and polygamy.

'So I'm down at Gay Pride to find out what all the fuss is about.'

Well, I've just arrived here, and it's amazing,

but, as you can see, violent drumming and hammering on things.

And there's a man in pants, just gold pants.

Look at that, a pink army advancing on Whitehall!

Revoltingly happy!

What are you doing at this event? We've come from Buckingham Palace...

So it is true that you are trying to de-throne the Queen

and put your own queen on the throne, is that right?

As you can see, everybody's got our crowns, so we're ready for it.

Gay people everywhere!

What are you, some kind of gay soldier or...?

A mirror-ball gladiator.

Careful! Back off! Back off!

And then what are your demands?

Our demands are happiness and party all day long.

You've got to be very careful when surrounded by homosexuals,

cos they could jump at any point!

And have you ever thought about not being gay?

I don't know what it would be like.

I was born this way. I can't change who I am.

Have you thought about being gay one day a week?

I don't know what country is invading us,

but there are flags everywhere!

And the Army, thank God you're here to protect us.

Did you just come down now, or...? They're totally terrified.

The gays have terrified them.

Why are you dressed as dogs? Why are you dressed in a suit?

Well, why have you come dressed as a pussy? Prrr!

Have you heard that there's now a cure for being gay?

Yeah, I don't think that's right, actually.

Well, if I actually taught you how to throw straight,

you'd probably never want to kiss another man again.

It's the Navy, look, the Navy! Ah, the Navy are here.

How are you doing, sir? Do you feel all right?

Very well, thank you! Are you here to protect us from the gays?

I'm not protecting you from anybody!

You're not protecting from anyone? What's the point?

We might as well cut you altogether.

The Navy's being cut anyway! Outdated! Outdated!

Down, boy! Down!

I've no idea what to say! I'm going to get out of here!

G4S is the world's largest security company,

with operations in more than 125 countries,

but would you want them involved in the privatisation of your police force?

Apart from failing to supply enough security for this summer's Olympics,

there's also been a campaign accusing their subsidiaries

of undermining labour and human rights standards, so the residents

of Lincolnshire must be delighted that G4S have won

a ?200 million private contract

to take over half their civilian police services.

Is this the dawn of a new era?

How's it going? What's up?

We just wanted to talk to you about the rebrand.

Do you like the new logo, G-Force?

Were you aware that G4S were taking over large parts of your police force?

Not at clue. Right.

What about our new slogan, "G4S - the best justice money can buy"?

We'll be more visible. That's what I want to see.

We'll have some cardboard policemen around the place,

which is going to deter criminals.

We might introduce a bit more crime into the area, though, cos for us...

we don't really feel that there's the profit margins to made here yet.

A bit more cool than the usual sort of stuff,

but we thought that was the best way to go.

It'll make the police a bit sexier and cooler than usual.

There's nothing sexy and cool about the police. 'Course there is.

Deportation has got a fairly good profit margin, but nothing like murder and rape,

which is what we're moving into in 2012.

There isn't that much murder and rape around here, is there? We don't want any.

Well, it's a bit selfish of you, isn't it?

You can't just come into our private car park and put things on our cars.

Sorry, madam, can I, can you, sorry...

I'm just seizing these for evidence.

We're sort of rebranding the look of police officers.

"Police officer" is a bit of an archaic expression.

Something that's a bit more exciting. "Night hawk", maybe?

This kind of, this kind of look, it looks better.

How would you feel about...?

They probably would all wear capes.

Murphy! This is the new sort of G4S team...

Hello, madam... This madam's taken off...

There'll be a premium rate number to replace 999.

It'll probably be a call centre in India, so you'll have to speak up.

What if you were in a situation where you had no credit whatsoever?

You should have thought about that before you went and got mugged.

You're not authorised to turn down the branding, sir.

We're trying to rebrand the police for G4S.

I don't believe this one...

Well, we've got senior branding consultant authority

in this jurisdiction.

This is...

That's against G4S rules, madam.

Do you realise the consequences of doing that?

If you just come with me now I've finally found some good,

sane, honest Christians!

And follow the Saviour! Believe in Christ!

What you are doing is going against nature itself!

You are not your own master!

Let's just be clear about this, equivocally.

Being homosexual is against God? Of course, it is.

Do you believe Satan has actually programmed this bunch

of absolute lunatics to march towards Buckingham Palace?

Oh, I believe it's satanically...

It's Satan's work? Yes. Oh, yes.

It is Satan's work, all of this? Yes.

Isn't this just a stain on our nation, on the Lord Jesus Christ,

and won't all these lunatic gay nutters burn in hell?

They will if they don't repent but it's our duty...

None of them want to repent, they're all being flaming gays!

They're going to die in Hell and they're going to burn!

But it's our... They are going to burn, aren't they?

If they don't repent.

Isn't it true that gayness is just tantamount to drug addiction

and alcoholism?

Oh, absolutely. Yes.

I would pass laws, or reinstate the old laws,

that removed the criminality.

So being gay should be criminal? Well, I believe it should be.

What they do at home is their business,

but when they bring it onto the streets, it becomes a national sin.

Doesn't it? Yeah, but we are all sinners...

So, in fact, we've just become a bit gay being around them?

No, we haven't become gay. Haven't you? No.

So you're not gay? No way.

Could we vaccinate our children to protect them from gayness?

We can do, yes.

This is Dale Maily getting inside the story!

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first coalition

government since the end of the Second World War - an unequal

coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party, who have

pretty much most of the power, and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

In this series, we follow two of the coalition's lesser-known MPs,

Conservative, James Twattington-Burbage and Liberal Democrat, Barnaby Plankton,

Hello. Hello.

James and Barnaby are on their way to the Royal Free Hospital

in Northwest London to explain to members of the public the changes

facing them under the coalition's new Health And Social Care Bill.

The NHS employs 1.4 million people in England and will be having

to make ?20 billion's worth of savings by 2015.

If I gave you a free gift, you'd be a bit suspicious. Yes.

Why do we think that we should just have free healthcare?

What's their agenda? So it will stay as a hospital, though?

Well, it'll stay as a private healthcare initiative. What's wrong with that?

We're working to resolve some of the cost issues by taking

some of the good bits and selling it off.

So you'll privatise the Royal Free? We don't like to call it "privatising".

I love the NHS so much that I want to cut it up into little pieces and give a lot of it to my friends.

Yes, mate.

..Some of your friends, dear.

His father's from the private healthcare industry, unfortunately. Oh, OK.

Yeah, but it's not a private hospital. You're taking the public hospital and privatising bits.

Giving companies the right to make a killing. What's wrong with that?

What do you think of our slogan, "Are you even ill?"?

Illness builds character.

It's with a star, if you don't die.

What about, "NHS, queuing - a great British tradition"? I like that.

Right, are you a nurse? Yeah.

Oh, right! Sorry about that.

Let me ask you a question.

If Richard Branson started running this hospital,

would you feel sexier working in one of his uniforms?

We're also running courses in patience.

OK. It's called "patience for patients".

How are you at queuing? Very good.

Shall we have a little practice now?

Yes. Shall I start? James first.

This way. Off you go, right.

Nobody talk. No. It's the deficit, you see.

We had to help our friends in the banks

and now don't have any blooming money for the old hospital, I'm afraid.

Is that an exclusive? An exclusive?

Is that an exclusive? That's exclusive. Is that an exclusive? Yeah.

It's all about exclusives, isn't it, on OMG?

Why can't you just say, "Oh, my God, what the fuck"?

What's been the highlight of your year?

DJ on a boat. Lady Gaga. Having fun.

Come to Ibiza. You can all come on the boat. Oh, my God, that's such a good idea.

But, seriously, what would we do if there was no moon?

What is the meaning of life?

Of life?

Have we got enough time for this, do you think?

Have we got enough time?

Do you ever just think, is there another world?

Do we have enough time?

Shell are one of the world's largest oil companies and have produced

numerous publicity campaigns to show how much they love the environment.

But when Shell implied their $10 billion oil extraction project

in Canada was a sustainable energy investment,

the Advertising Standards Agency recognised this as "greenwash".

Greenwash is a marketing technique that promotes the image of an

organisation as environmentally friendly, when they are anything but.

Where do you think, James? Just here would be good. Let's do it now.

Right. This is nice. I think we set up here.

Hello. Hello, there. I'm from Shell PR.

Lovely to meet you. We've bought the hippies.

This is an official Shell campaign.

That looks great. That's exactly it.

And we have to install the protestors in-house, so it seems as if we're on board.

It's part of the new PR campaign, "If you can't beat them, buy them."

This plant has actually been sponsored by Shell. OK.

We recently saved it from extinction. What's that plant called?

It's a daisy. We actually...

Right, it's not called that any more, it's just called Shell.

Being green's really about being, you know, very touchy and feely

and what we like to do is sort of touch a lot of natural areas and feel really good about it.

We're actually sponsoring protesters all around the world.

These ones have taken a vow of silence, so they're not going to be much trouble.

They don't talk, they just sit there.

We know they smell a bit, but they're totally on trend right now.

You know how the Shell logo is yellow? Yeah.

We're going to make it green, like Green Shell... Oh, right, yeah.

..so that people just think that we're doing something for the environment.

Actually, we're doing nothing at all. No. You're not? No. That's not good, is it?

Our whole business model is actually based around recycling in Shell. I mean... Yes.

..we're essentially recycling dinosaur bones and putting them into your tank.

What are you actually doing here? This is part of the Shell Green campaign. Yeah.

Is everyone Tweeting #shellgreen? Shall we just leave these hippies here then? Let's leave them.

All right, see you, hippies. Look after yourself. See you, hippies.

And eat mung beans and carrots in a lentil mash. Bye!

When car company MG Rover collapsed in 2005,

6,500 workers lost their jobs.

Their redundancy package was a measly ?3 per person.

This would be enough to drive anyone mad.

But the real insult came from the guys in the driving seat.

The Phoenix Four and the MD, the businessmen in charge of the company,

treated themselves to a ?42 million payout.

Stick that in your tailpipe!

This is the house of Peter Beale, one of the Phoenix Four.

I've got this commemorative plaque. It says, "Best Boss Ever".

I'm going to put it on his wall.

"Peter Beale, Best Boss Ever."

With a gap in their day, James and Barnaby have decided to attend the Fabian Society conference in London

to see if they can get to grips with socialism.

Nice left-leaning literature, James.

Labour leader Ed Miliband is expected any moment, and James, who is Conservative to his core,

has been itching to meet him.

Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm good. James. Lovely to see you too.

How you doing? Good. Good.

Dave, yeah, yeah, I fucking did it. Yeah, you owe me a fucking tenner!

Many fee-paying private schools are registered charities,

but to keep their charitable status they must prove that they benefit children who cannot pay their fees,

often allowing them to swim in their swimming pools or attend certain classes.

This then means that these privately funded establishments are entitled

to tax breaks on top of their fees and donations.

Hello, sir. Would you care for a cucumber sandwich?

Would you like a cucumber sandwich?

Really it's just important for us to maintain our charity status

so we have to do good things for poor people.

So could I teach you some croquet or something? How to talk properly?

You look quite poor. Would you like some help being less...? Poor? Yeah.

Do you have any money for our school?

We need to buy new horses for the polo pitch.

Thank you. That'll go a long way for the caviar for the under-eights.

You're just swinging like that, you see?

Would you like me to teach you some Latin?

You would be an "oik" in Latin. That means you're poor. Oik?

Yeah, this is you, oik. Yes.

Visualise success and money. Go.

Oh, that's it! Very good! Oh, very good! Very good!

I'm not poor, but ?2. And then... Oh, thank you! Wow.

We're going to re-turf the polo pitch next year.

You're going to do what? Would you like to donate?

Is it a public school? We need new cashmere ties for the boys.

Yes, it's a boarding school. Definitely not.

Thank you, Ma'am. Then you go like that.

You talk a bit funny. Where are you from? From Australia.

Oh, dear. Ah, that's a colony, isn't it? Sorry about that. It is.

We put all our criminals there, didn't we? That's right, yeah. I did history, you see.

And then you curtsy, and that's good.

Look in the eyes. Yes. And you look at the Queen and you say, "Thank you, Queen."

It's a great honour to make my first ever speech

as shadow chancellor to this conference.

APPLAUSE

And, conference, I'd also like to pay tribute to our leader,

to my friend Ed Miliband.

A leader who is genuine, principled, honest and fair,

a leader who speaks his mind and tells the truth, a leader in whom

I believe we can ask the British people to put their trust.

APPLAUSE

When they say we made mistakes in Government, they're right.

We have to admit them and show we've learned.

The 75p pension rise, that was a mistake.

So was abolishing the 10p tax rate.

We should have adopted tougher controls on migration

from Eastern Europe.

We didn't spend every pound of public money well.

And, yes, we didn't regulate the banks toughly enough and stop

their gross irresponsibility here in Britain and all around the world.

APPLAUSE

MPs are paid salaries of ?65,000 per year by the taxpayer,

and because you pay their wages, they work for you.

But unlike most employees, MPs can have several other jobs outside

of Parliament which might at times represent a conflict of interests.

Over the last year, Labour MP David Miliband earned ?75,000

as Vice Chairman of Sunderland Football Club,

and Alistair Darling has received over ?50,000 this year for giving four speeches.

Malcolm Rifkind, Conservative MP for Kensington,

has worked for UBS Bank, Unilever and private equity company Rathbone Brothers,

earning upwards of ?200,000 from these and other roles since January last year.

With all this extra work on top of his MP responsibilities,

he must be in need of some rest and relaxation.

As a professional life coach, I have to say that there is

a level of concern that I have for you.

How many jobs are you juggling at this age?

When I was a minister, I was working a hell of a lot harder than I'm working now.

Right. So, Malcolm, if I play you some music, it's exceptionally good for relaxation.

If we just take a moment to listen to it. Yes.

So just close your eyes. You want me to close my eyes? Mm.

ASIAN MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS

Sometimes it's good for relaxation to practise visualisation techniques. Mm-hmm.

So if you visualise yourself in your constituency doing some work.

The sun's out. Mm-hmm.

I'll just put out some scented candles here.

And Downward Dog is always a good one.

Bend from the waist down until you touch the floor.

This could be very useful if you ever find yourself overworked,

confused who you're working for when you're voting in parliament,

this could be a very good way of releasing those pressures.

I've no doubt this is what I would think of doing. Mm. This is a crystal.

If you close your eyes as I spin this round your head. If I close my eyes, I won't see it.

Right, but you can feel it because it's a healing crystal,

so it's in tune with your chakras right now. I see.

Malcolm, we have actually brought you a present. Oh, that's very kind!

This is a bathrobe... Yes, very smart!

Obviously you like to relax in your constituency. MALCOLM CHUCKLES

So in case anyone thinks you're not working... That's the nicest thing I've received for a long time.

These are all the logos of the companies you work for. How splendid!

Just centred all in one bathrobe. Oh, that's most thoughtful. Mm.

Perhaps an unfortunate photo opportunity for the Barclays chairman Marcus Agius,

because for Mr Agius it is now a case of "on your bike".

He is the fall guy for the scandal that's forced Barclays to pay

a heavy fine for fixing key banking interest rates.

A scandal that wiped BILLIONS off the bank's value in hours.

What are you thinking, would you like it here?

Can you tell me what you're doing, please?

We've just been hired in to give some entertainment for the afternoon. We've been called by the PR team.

No, we're not aware. Have you not got the e-mail? No.

I mean, our boss will be here soon, it's just important that we set the casino up,

because it's also for bankers that have finished on a Friday.

They might want to come down and place a bet, as it's what they do all day long.

Would you like a free chip, sir? I'm OK, thank you. You sure? Yeah, I'm OK. OK.

What's going on? Oh, we've installed a casino in the lobby.

It's the new sort of transparent marketing campaign from Barclays. Cool. It makes sense. Yeah.

So we're just embracing the fact that it's just a big casino

and just being honest about it, really.

Place your bets, please, gents.

I should tell you it's fixed. The house always wins.

It's exactly what we did with the banking interest rates.

Are we making sure the house is still winning?

Doing pretty good! The house is always going to win, sir.

Hello, sir. Some free chips for you. Excuse me... Would you like chips?

No, I don't. Can you just move away, please? Sure? Yeah.

We've got a winning bet. Have we got a winning bet? We have. On black?

Hang on a second, look, that was actually red. Sorry about that.

Would you like to play? Anyone like to play? You guys work for Barclays?

I do, yeah. So it's a bit like working for Barclays, but it's an actual casino. Yeah.

Lose again. No, I don't think you did, sir.

Red and odd should...

Well, it was your money but now it's not.

James and Barnaby have gone to Newcastle

to explain the NHS reforms.

Actually, it's all right if you're a little sick,

because it's not that important to be totally healthy. Yeah.

You work as a nurse? Yeah.

Would you be prepared to take a wage cut?

Maybe a 25% wage cut? Well, ideally not.

Could you work 25% harder? For 25% less? No.

Do you have grandparents now? I have.

How do you feel about them dying at home?

It's a lot cheaper you see. What! Well, no!

It must be difficult for you because you're approaching the age

where you might be a massive burden.

How does it feel being a massive burden? I beg your pardon!

When you know that you're ill,

how would you feel about having to prove it?

Have you heard of the new service we're running, self-diagnosis?

No, I haven't. It's called Google.

These days when it comes to talking about

someone's colour or ethnicity,

you can't even open your mouth before you're called a racist!

That's because the loony left have got us all believing

in this political correctness rubbish!

But thankfully there are some right-minded people out there

who realise political correctness has gone barking mad - the BNP!

I'm going to say something that I know is sailing close to the wind,

but that's how I cut my jib.

I like British people more than I like French people.

Does that make me a racist?

No, it makes you normal. It makes you just like anybody.

They have silly food and they eat snails.

If I say I like British people, what's wrong with that? Nothing wrong with that.

Golliwog, is that racist? It depends how you use it.

Term "Golliwog," straightforward, is that racist? I don't think so.

Why's that? Because it's an old English kind of term.

People associate it with jam and marmalade, I think.

Jam and marmalade? Mmm-hmm. Right, OK.

If you go out in Birmingham, you'll see many black faces, right?

And if you said, "Golliwog," what would they say? Laugh at you.

What does the term "politically correct" mean to you?

Well, to a lot of people it's a throwaway term.

It's a term that's used so often that it's almost become accepted.

There's a guilt. There's a PC guilt that's taking over.

Is that the BNP's position?

Guilt is one of the weapons they use.

Demographically we are out-bred in our own country.

We're out-bred? Exactly.

We are out-bred in our own country... That's the truth.

..by those who don't belong here?

By many who don't belong here, indeed so.

There are certain sections in this society, certain sections,

the Muslim community that have five, six, seven kids. Yeah.

There is a deliberate policy going on here in the Muslim community

to use their wombs, right, to replace us deliberately.

Wombs as weapons. Exactly.

After explaining to members of the public the changes and cuts

being made to the NHS by the coalition,

today, James and Barnaby are hoping to get five minutes

with former Health Secretary Andrew Lansley to congratulate him

for his brave work in what some see as privatising the NHS.

So, Barney, look, this is the new NHS.

Yes. Oh, it's lovely, isn't it? It's...

It's very new, shiny and private.

Big companies benefiting from the Health and Social Care Reform Bill.

Andrew, just wanted to say lovely to see you.

Hi, nice to see you again. How you doing?

Congratulations on privatising the NHS.

It was a bloody hard job, but we're all going to make an absolute killing,

so I just thought we'd give you this golden, diamond-encrusted stethoscope

just to say thanks so much for everything you've done!

Cheers. Andrew, would you like to take it? No?

Bye, Andrew. See you at the club. Cheers, mate. Cheers, chap.

I'll give it to him at the club. He doesn't mind.

It's actually solid gold actually with diamonds. It's very good.

Well, we're all going to make an absolute killing you see.

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