Episode 5 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language.

# Money money money money

# Money money money money

# Money money money money

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# Money

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# Money. #

Google's corporate motto is simple, Don't Be Evil.

Evil can be a tricky concept to define,

especially in the face of allegations of privacy invasion

and breaching of data protection legislation.

So whilst a man's home may be his castle,

don't forget that Google Street View means, like it or not,

yours is probably online for everyone to see.

Scanning, scanning, how are you doing? I'm Google Home View.

Just here to map the house.

What's all that about, "map the house"?

-We are from Google Home View.

-You know Street View.

-Why would you want to come in my house?

-So everyone online can see.

-No.

-Why would I want you in so everyone else can see?

It's the Internet. I don't understand the big deal,

we just want to photograph your house.

You're not going to have my house on Google. Are you crazy?

I would rather not have my home mapped.

Hey, man. You're a dinosaur.

-I have come to map every inch of your house.

-OK.

Do you know, obviously, as soon as we come in your house,

all these images are ours.

-Hello. Google Home View.

-Get down quickly. Crouch down quickly.

Why would you want people to check out your house online?

A potential employer might want to see

if you are a layabout on the sofa at what time is it? 12 o'clock. Whoops.

You might be worried about burglars or something like that.

Don't worry about that.

Rizla is on the table, that will be in there.

It is ubiquitous, it's the Internet.

How can people look through your house online

unless we photograph every inch?

This is Gestapo shit.

We will blur out the underwear. We are not into invasion of privacy.

What do you mean "Gestapo"?

-At Google we are not evil.

-So another satisfied customer.

-How many is that? 501?

-502.

-Google!

The 2010 oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was the largest

accidental spill in marine history. It painted the ocean a rather

grim colour of death, as an estimated 4.9 million barrels of oil

oozed into the sea. BP's support of spreading oil remains strong.

Now on canvas in the BP-sponsored Portrait Awards.

This event is the slickest of the season.

I know a lot of birds would have died to be here.

Obviously, BP crashed on to the scene in 2010,

and they are known for creating dark, black, voids where nothing can live.

The whole event is really deep, you know, like underwater drilling.

Cru de Gulf, Madame?

A 2010 vintage, we have plenty to give away.

It is from the Gulf of Mexico, very nice.

You know, I look at some of this work around me,

and I feel black waves of emotion, crashing over me.

Cru de Gulf? It goes excellent with fish and marine mammals.

Cru de gulf? It is very nice.

I have been sent here by BP to serve the Cru de Gulf.

Do you want to do it outside then?

Art is like oil, it's expensive, and in the case of Damien Hirst,

it kills animals.

-Cru de Gulf?

-No liquids in here.

-It isn't liquid. It is oil.

This is Phil Hill for Art reporting from the National Gallery,

BP Portrait Awards 2012,

it has been a splash.

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first

coalition Government since the end of the Second World War,

an unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have most of the power, and that other party, with Nick Clegg.

It can be an historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

In this series,

we follow two of the coalition's lesser-known MPs, Conservative

James Twottington-Burbage, and Liberal Democrat, Barnaby Plankton,

as we try to understand just how this relationship

could possibly work.

In 2011, Education Secretary Michael Gove

blamed the riots on the ill-discipline of young people.

What we saw this summer was a straightforward

conflict between right and wrong.

Today, James and Barnaby are reaching out to the youth,

to help stop the moral decline that has led to what David Cameron

has called a "broken and sick society".

Would you like to be part of the biggest gang in the world?

-What gang is that?

-Scouts.

We take you out for camping trips.

Have you seen a tree, or made a knot?

Would you like me to teach you how to tie a knot?

That sort of violence is not tolerated.

You won't get a job if you act like that.

Do you understand what I'm bloody saying?

-Good, now say sorry.

-Did you steal that iPhone.

-Did you steal that?

-Are you criminals, rioters, looters?

-No.

You have had no discipline in your life, you have grown up

in an area like this, you probably have an absentee father or mother.

Maybe you have a chance of doing something with your life,

other than just being scum.

It is not his fault that we are genetically superior to him, is it?

After their success on the high street,

James and Barnaby have moved on to a local skateboarding park.

Hello, ever thought about joining the Scouts?

No?

James, what are you doing?

Hey, dude, we're from the Scouts, and James, why are you wearing...?

Just getting a bit fucking hairy out here,

I thought I would get protection.

-You haven't got a knife on you, have you?

-Careful.

Stop, what are you doing with your life?

If we want to speak to some of the kids, the urban youth,

could you maybe translate, if we want to speak to them?

It is against my ethics,

you don't understand, man, you don't understand.

Yo, hello, blood.

Despite attempts to overcome the language barriers with the youth,

things have now become tense.

In the coalition, calm down, in the coalition...

Take it easy, back off a little bit, right?

Just have a normal conversation. We should get out of here. Just run.

-Just run.

-Get out of here.

Jesus Christ. Get out of here, Barney.

Not content with furthering the tech revolution,

Apple have proven themselves to be pioneers of tax avoidance.

What makes this situation rotten to the core

is Apple are legally avoiding

millions of pounds in tax, thanks to their opening of subsidiaries,

in Ireland, the Netherlands, Luxembourg,

and the British Virgin Islands.

We have just come over from the Nevada office.

We have a couple of new apps they are trying to trial.

We are here to talk about iDodge. We are trying to explain to people

how this new Apple can reinvent... do for tax what iTunes did for music.

We are launching a new product today. It's a new app called iDodge.

It's a product that we've created. We are giving money back.

It's immoral. You shouldn't be promoting that.

We are talking about the iDodge app.

What are you saying?

We have come down from Nevada to talk to British customers

about what is going on.

You have to leave, you can't do it in the store.

Charge people in the store as much as possible for the Apple products,

pay people as little as possible in China...

I think it's time for you to leave.

..and pay as little tax as possible too.

'Welcome to Inside The Story. I'm Dale Maily,

'fearless hetero journalist not afraid to be unafraid.

'I deliver fair impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens.

'Telling you the right way to think.'

I'm in the Ministry of Defence vehicles and weapons exhibition,

where the latest flashy tanks, guns

and bombs, used to protect these shores

from foreign invaders, are on display.

These are just the kind of tools of destruction that really make

the patriotic swell rise up deep in my loins.

It is this death-tech trade that will drag us out of our economic hole.

I'm inside one of the newest pieces of kit the MoD has got.

This is the Husky.

When you sit inside one of these babies, you feel your penis grow.

It is quite an experience.

Hopefully we can roll them out in Saudi Arabia, Indonesia

and Bahrain, and places where they really need to get their people in check.

-This one goes like a bat out of hell.

-Bat out of hell.

-How fast is that?

-Let's say over 100 miles an hour.

-Not quite that.

-Something like that.

-It is like a massive machine gun?

-It is a massive machine gun.

It would be able to take out enemy vehicles at about 2km.

2Ks away the bad guys can get smitten,

because our tank sees them through thermal imaging,

-like Call Of Duty.

-Very much so.

-Can I take it home?

-No, unfortunately, you can't.

I could do with it for personal use.

A family of immigrants moved next door, and this could scare them.

I think so. Based on your current situation,

we might make an exception.

This is another peace maker, made in Germany,

and has been seen in computer games like Medal Of Honor and Ghost Recon.

This was seen in Ghost Recon. A lot of viewers are keen on it

-at home, I'm an avid player. Have you ever played it?

-I have.

Dale Maily with quite the most incredible gun.

What happens when the blast disperses?

There is usually small fragments,

that sort of go off in all direction, effectively.

It is not terribly accurate, but frightening when it lands near you.

-1,000 rounds a minute?

-Yes.

You could kill ten Iraqi people in a second,

-which is equivalent to one English guy.

-Yes.

Would you like this to fall into the hands of people like women

or homosexuals, who can't really use a gun? Not really, I'm sure.

It allows you to pierce an armoured vest up to 200m away.

Even if a terrorist was wearing armour, we will kill them anyway?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

I'm in the Jackal, which is the biggest war machine ever.

This was developed specifically for Afghanistan,

so we could go, get the towelheads and crush their little villages.

They don't have anything like this to defend themselves.

It is amazing. This is how to really live.

And I do here by declare that George Galloway is duly elected.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This, the most sensational result in British by-election history -

bar none - represents the Bradford Spring.

This is an uprising amongst thousands of people.

Many of them young people,

never involved in the political process before

who have demonstrated in this mammoth majority,

this mammoth vote, a total

rejection of the three major parties on the British political scene.

The Daily Mail is running a campaign to ban online pornography,

by campaigning for an online block

to protect children from adult websites.

Simultaneously, their own website

has become one of the most popular in the world,

with a sidebar that thrives on

semi-naked models and celebrities in bikinis and swimsuits.

As this is totally at odds with

the Daily Mail's more conservative newspaper,

surely it's only a matter of time

before they close down their own website.

I'm Raffe van der Koont.

You're watching me live through the Double Fist TV hole.

I've just found out that these guys over there are trying to ban

my favourite pornographic site, d-d-d-dailymail.co.uk!

Live for Dutch TV, Double Fist, outside the Daily Mail,

trying to find out what's going on with the ban.

We're protesting about the ban on internet pornography.

If I want to whack one off over a barely-legal girl,

that's up to me, right?

The police are here. We'll have a conversation with them about the ban.

We're live on Double Fist TV.

Are we going to have a statement soon from the Daily Mail?

I love this shit!

It's just as well that I actually snorted three grams of ketamine

before I started today.

-You're talking at 100 mph...

-I'm off my face - sorry about that.

-Off your face?

-My name is Raffe van der Koont. I'm from Amsterdam.

A huge crowd is gathering outside the Daily Mail.

The police still have not finished

negotiating with the Daily Mail on our behalf.

We're going to have a statement soon.

One of the assistant editors

is willing to speak to one person involved.

Ask what questions you need to. The police will be there to facilitate.

We're not going to get involved in the conversation.

Radical programme!

I'm now going to go in, my friends,

to get a statement from the Daily Mail. So, take my mic.

OK. Hello. Thank you very much. I'm Raffe van der Koont.

May I have a conversation here?

I can exclusively reveal that

the Daily Mail newspaper is not trying to ban the dailymail.co.uk!

Amazing!

The website is not being banned! My favourite site won't be banned!

Totally radical policies! This has been Raffe van der Koont,

in the heart of London, outside the Daily Mail, for Double Fist TV.

Yeah!

In a final effort to reach out to the ill-disciplined young people

highlighted by Education Secretary Michael Gove,

James and Barnaby are heading to a nightclub.

-Hello. My name's James.

-Nice to meet you.

-Is this a discotheque?

What are you looking for?

We are looking to help people like you

to maybe do something with your life.

Are you taking the piss. Are you serious?

Oi! You need to ask permission.

It's all right. I'm with the Conservative Government, I'm James.

That doesn't matter, you need to ask permission, innit?

Just got some sticks and rope.

# Take me higher... #

HE RAPS: Why do you think they call me Armani?

It ain't a figure of speech, I really hold it,

So much cash in my hands I can't fold it.

-I will tell you a song.

-Go on.

# Burn the cash and slap the whore

# Smash the champagne on the floor

# Bulla bulla bulla, ooh ooh ooh

# Bulla bulla bulla Ooh ooh ooh

-# O-o-oh, bulla!

-#

Bullshit...

-I think that was very successful.

-Bunch of fucking criminals.

Hello, Britain. My name is Werner Weber.

Once upon a time, there were two little boys,

called Deutschland und Greece.

They formed a club, with some of their friends, called the EU,

and they all agreed they would put all their sweets into one jar.

And share them with each other.

But Greece ate more sweets than anyone else,

and became fat und lazy und inefficient.

So kind und noble

and wise Deutschland gave Greece some more of its sweets,

and said, "Hey, you little pig, stop eating so many sweets and save some."

I intend to get to the bottom of this Greek tragedy.

Kaiser Merkel advised me to begin my investigation

at the Greek Embassy in London.

Yeah, I have come from the German Embassy

with a message from Herr Merkel for the Greek Ambassador.

But I must deliver it to someone in person.

I'm sorry, but there is no-one here at the moment.

-We're only open until 1pm.

-You're only open until 1pm?

-Yes.

And why is that?

Is that because you are too lazy to open it all day?

Please leave the front of the building.

Stop!

Here you can see a Greek Cathedral, you see.

Open Wednesdays to Mondays, lazy. Open from 11am to 2pm, lazy.

-What is this?

-A Greek restaurant.

-Oh, so, you are working now?

-Yeah.

Why are you dressed like a lazy woman?

Why is it in places, Greece and Portugal,

this idea of siesta?

Siesta? That means they sleep in the afternoon

-because of the weather, it's hot.

-Are they depressed?

-No, no.

They go to sleep because the sun comes out early,

so they go and sleep in the afternoon

and they back to work again in the evening.

-So, it is not because they want to kill themselves?

-No, it's not.

Because many people now write in newspapers

that this is one of the reasons of inefficiency in Greece?

-No, it's a lot of rubbish.

-You would say it is rubbish to them!?

-Yes.

-I would say it is rubbish to them.

-It is upsetting for you?

-Yes.

Would you like a Polo?

Yes, I'll have a Polo, thank you.

The German philosopher Nietzsche said,

"If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

These words perfectly describe the eurozone crisis.

Nietzsche was also German, and vastly superior to the Greek Socrates,

who was a paedophile.

Thanks to all of you for coming here.

I'm sure you'd rather be watching day ten of the Olympics.

But since there's been a fair amount of press speculation about

the fate of the House of Lords Reform Bill, I thought

I should set out what has happened and what will happen from now.

As you know, an elected House of Lords

was part of the Coalition Agreement,

a fundamental part of the contract that keeps the coalition parties

working together in the national interest.

My party has held to that contract,

even when it meant voting for things that we found difficult.

The Liberal Democrats are proving ourselves to be

a mature and competent party of government.

And I am proud that we have met our obligations.

Coalition works on mutual respect. It is a reciprocal arrangement,

a two-way street. Clearly, I cannot permit a situation

where Conservative rebels can pick and choose

the parts of the contract they like,

while Liberal Democrat MPs are bound to the entire agreement.

Steel tycoon Lakshmi Mittal is the 21st richest man in the world,

and the richest man in Britain,

with a fortune of over 20 billion.

Mittal splashes cash on limousines, mansions, private jets and yachts.

One thing he isn't so keen on, however, is shelling out on tax.

Thanks to his status as a non-domicile in the UK,

Mittal has enjoyed tax-free payouts in the hundreds of millions.

We're outside the house of Lakshmi Mittal,

steel tycoon, non-dom, doesn't pay any tax here.

And we're going to ring on his door

to see if he'll let us put a blue plaque on his house.

OK, well, I'll put the plaque here for now.

Lakshmi Mittal. Britain's wealthiest man lives here,

but not for tax purposes.

Global warming is causing the icecaps to melt

and polar bears to die. At least, that's what

the Guardian-reading loony left would have you believe.

Apparently, the world is now hotter

than at any time over the last 800 years.

But, despite what scientists say, I've never seen a carbon footprint.

So I'm going to meet someone who sees through all this hot air,

former Conservative Chancellor of the Exchequer,

and climate change sceptic, Lord Nigel Lawson.

Global warming - what's your perspective?

It is a very important issue, you are quite right.

It is a very complicated issue,

and the more I looked at it,

the crazier it seemed to me that the conventional wisdom was.

Is this really about me driving my car?

I think it is appalling that I find mothers come up to me,

their children are being brainwashed at school, to criticise their mothers

for running a large car, saying that you're destroying the planet.

-Absolute rubbish.

-I don't feel guilty about driving my car, do you?

-There's no reason.

-You don't feel guilty?

No, and I commute from my home in France to work here.

-You're flying back and forth?

-I flew in only yesterday.

You're flying back and forth, and no-one's going to tell you

to feel guilty about getting on a plane to come to work?

Nor, I may say, do my fellow passengers

and the flights are always full.

I'm sure. Flying's fun and it's an important part of our daily economy.

-Right.

-I want to lay my cards on the table.

I worry about Iran having the bomb, not some glacier melting.

I'm sorry, but they're just polar bears. They're cute.

-They are, but that's a good example...

-Selfish polar bears.

The polar bear population is not declining.

If anything, it's increasing.

Don't know if you saw David Attenborough's Frozen Planet...

-I did.

-That seemed to suggest that the polar bears were in trouble.

Is this, in part, David Attenborough's fault?

Well, I think he's a very experienced and competent broadcaster...

-Hysterical left-winger.

-He certainly was wrong about polar bears.

He is quite knowledgeable about natural history...

But not so knowledgeable about what's really going on in the world.

-Not about global warming or climate change.

-Lunatic.

He really has no expertise.

He doesn't. He has no idea what he's talking about.

You can look at polar bears all day, but that's not science, is it?

That's just looking at polar bears.

Well, there you go.

Having spent time with the ill-disciplined youth,

James and Barnaby are now going to show their support

for Education Secretary Michael Gove,

who has called for a return to absolute authority in the classroom.

-Hello, Michael. Just wanted to say bloody good job.

-Thank you.

We just thought maybe you could bring back the cane

and go back to the good old days, how about that?

-I don't think that would be entirely appropriate.

-It would be fantastic.

Or the abacus. This is what they used to call a computer

in the good old days.

-I love your ties, by the way.

-I styled them on yours.

Would you like the cane?

-Six of the best always works.

-I'm grateful for your sweet words.

I'm grateful for yours. Thank you, Michael. Have a great time.

James, so do you really think that education would be better

if they used these instead of computers?

No, but it would be jolly better if you just gave them... Oh, dear.

That wasn't quite what I meant to do.

That wouldn't hold up against a tough bottom.

No, I don't think so at all.

# Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

# Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

# Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

# Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

# Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap. Argh! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd