Episode 4 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm Dale Maily, fearless, hetero journalist who's not afraid

to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think.

Hello, I'm Dale Maily

and today I'm getting inside the story of drug festival.

It seems that there's a UK festival every weekend over the summer.

But whilst these festivals appear to be nothing more than a few

crusty hippies hugging trees, there's a much darker undercurrent

that pervades them - mindless, senseless, anarchic drug abuse.

If you just come with me now,

what you can see is a lot of actual raging hippies.

People in a strange state of hypnosis,

probably because of all the drugs.

As you can see it's crazed, dancing everywhere.

Maybe if these people weren't on drugs they'd actually be

listening to some good music with lyrics, like Coldplay.

They're clapping now

and I think a sacrifice might be taking place soon.

A man in a dress. Strange people in there.

Absolutely really decimated my eardrum there. Oh, again the bass.

There's that music again. Just a beat with no lyrics.

I believe probably if you played it backward,

something demonic would come out.

That may actually well be made completely of solid cocaine.

Just for the sake of the news, oh, my God,

it just looks like a squalid shit pit in here.

-Have you been taking heroin?

-Not heroin. Lego doesn't do heroin.

You better not.

Do you want to know who my heroine is? Baroness Thatcher.

-Are you too middleclass to be affected by drugs, or...?

-No.

-Are you ashamed of your own behaviour?

-I'm a fox.

Do you think that these kind of drug festivals should be outlawed?

Definitely not.

You're not a fox, you're a man dressed as a fox.

-Why not?

-Because they're fucking wicked.

There's a lot of research to suggest that when you take drugs,

it's a gateway drug to playing acoustic guitar

and believing in 9/11 conspiracies.

-I bloody love 9/11 conspiracies.

-Cos you're a drug-taking hippy.

You're northern which is probably why you're such a drug-addled mess.

That's brilliant. I'm going to knock you out in a minute.

This is a serious thing. Don't touch my mic.

You're a human being.

Coming up on Inside The Story, more drug carnage,

I wreck a couple of hippies' brains

and tell people in weird animal costumes that they look like idiots.

The National Gallery in London's Trafalgar Square is home

to some of the world's greatest paintings.

from Turner to Van Gough,

if you like art you'll love the National Gallery.

You'll also love the National Gallery if you like missiles,

torpedoes, naval artillery and armoured vehicles.

Because one of the gallery's little-known sponsors

is Italian arms manufacturer Finmeccanica.

Finmeccanica are part of Europe's biggest missile maker

and were reportedly once part-owned by non other than Colonel Gaddafi.

So we've got a classic Constable painting here.

It's a beautiful landscape

except it's got a couple of fuck-off missiles slapped in the middle.

We'll sneak into the National Gallery

and see if we can stick it on the wall.

The point when you were convinced that it was...

that you were saying that it was confined to Goodman and co,

you were absolutely convinced that that was the truth?

-Myself?

-Yes.

-Yes.

These are very serious matters that we take very,

very seriously at a global level, at a personal level as well.

I can look at these newsrooms and how they operate today

and I'm, you know, I'm very confident

we are very focused on the highest standards of ethics.

The highest standards of just kind of common sense

and good behaviour, and actually treating our people,

the subjects, as well as our readers with, you know, with respect.

This practice was certainly enough to breach the trust

of our readers, and at that point you have to take responsibility

and actually move the thing forward and that's what we're doing today.

And it's a matter of great regret.

A fool and his money are easily parted.

and in a double-dip recession,

loan companies and their stacks of wonga are, too.

The difference is the incredible APR they charge,

which sometimes leave the borrower paying annual interest rates

of over 4,000%, with bonus debt collection thrown in for free.

All money lending companies require loan applicants to meet

a minimum set of criteria, which surely means the vulnerable

and ill-informed will be turned away immediately.

"Get cash your way.

"Borrow £50 to £500, for 5 to 60 days."

Can I borrow some money? How much can I borrow?

-What's the most I can borrow?

-£400.

-350.

-We can lend up to £5,000.

-Oh, great.

Can I have it in like coins instead of paper money

cos I know that's worth more, I'm switched on.

-20 pound coins is the same as a £20 note.

-No, it's not.

-Yeah, it is.

No. It's more money if it's heavier.

I didn't get my GCSE maths

so I just want to make sure like I understand what it's about.

So is 219.1% APR, is that a good deal?

You don't know?

Is that a good deal?

-It is a good deal.

-I would say so, yeah.

What if I don't pay you back, though?

-The collectors will be contacting you.

-Who are the collectors?

Debt collectors.

And those debt collectors, they can do whatever they want, can they?

I don't know what they do.

I've got, like, some debts to pay to a drug dealer friend of mine.

So if I just give you a bit, I can't just pay you back in weed?

-No.

-Definitely not?

-No.

-I was in Gamblers Anonymous.

-Mm-hmm.

And then, so I need the money really

to pay back some gambling debts and some drug debts,

but is that all right, cos I might just gamble it away, like?

Is that all right with you?

As long as we get paid back,

we don't care what you do with the money.

Does it matter that I was in a mental hospital?

And if my councillor came and my probation officer

-was talking about my criminal record, that's not a problem?

-No.

As long as I meet the requirements on the thing,

then it's no problem that I'm a drug dealer, or a gambler or nothing?

I don't want to know.

I'll have £300, then, please.

I need your wage slip, bank statement, passport,

driving licence and proof of address.

So how does it work, how do I make an appointment?

-I can do that for you right now.

-When would I see someone?

Oh, you can see someone tomorrow if you like.

I've been here for a number of hours now and the situation is much,

much worse than we initially thought.

There are drugs everywhere. People are "off their face", as they say.

And for a number of hours I've wanted to leave,

but my producer says we have to stay and get involved.

Frankly, if you're British, have any respect and love Princess Diana,

you would never ever come to anything like this.

Excuse me, could you just put your clothes on? Have some self-respect.

I'm walking through what I can only describe

as a self-inflicted shanty town.

Could you not afford a hotel room, or...?

-Why would we stay in a hotel?

-Because it's clean.

How long have you been unemployed?

No answer.

I'm being attacked by a load of trumpet-blowing foxes

with drums, and they're mounting me!

If this is the last thing you ever see of Dale Maily

tell my mum that I'm fine.

We're going to find out what's going on here.

Rave music in my ears again.

It's certainly not Celine Dion or Michael Bolton.

We're going to go and see what's going on in here.

As you can see they're all demonically connected

to their master up there on a computer.

Hippies, hippies everywhere.

Hippies with hats, strange dancing.

Devil chanting I've never seen before.

Do you have any M People?

Trying to find the exit as quickly as I can.

There's a dead man! A dead human being.

Just got to get out of here.

Where's the fucking exit?!

"Every Little Helps," or, in the case of Tesco,

massive dominance helps a lot, because Tesco rule the high street.

£1 in every tenner goes through their tills,

and certain town councils have even stepped in to try to stop them opening even more branches

to protect local businesses and prevent us from truly becoming a Tesco nation.

Right.

Great, yeah, excellent.

That looks really nice like that.

That's nice, yeah.

Excellent, that looks nice. I like that.

-Right.

-Yeah.

Oh, hi, Heydon from Head Office, Tesco.

We're just, er...showing people the new , er...

the new branding we're rolling out.

Yeah, someone'll be in touch from Head Office.

It'll stay like that for a few days, yeah.

All right. Thanks.

In certain parts of the world, homosexuality is illegal,

and can even be punishable by death.

Luckily in the UK, we're a little more open-minded.

But if a gay couple take a holiday to Uganda, Ghana or Iran,

they'd still be open to prosecution or worse.

I'm Raffe van der Koont and welcome to my show,

Filth, on Double Fist TV.

Last night was the most sexy, most totally radical prolapse

I've ever had in my life, cos I fell in love with Ralph.

-Say hello, Ralph.

-Hi.

And we're going to go and find out

where to go on the most sexiest gay honeymoon in the world.

Come with us and find out where we go.

OK, you can pull out now.

No, Ralph, not you.

Errr..!

Ah! Sexy honeymoon.

We got married last night. We stayed up all night, fell in love.

Ralph, you're just such a naughty boy.

I felt something inside me I've never felt before.

Radical prolapse, you naughty boy, we go there.

Why will they finish me?

They'll finish us off?

Radical prolapse, what do you mean? Let's not be silly.

Mate, they'll finish us off.

Is this the best place to come for the honeymoon to Saudi Arabia?

We heard that Saudi Arabia was the best place to get oiled up.

-Is that true?

-Excuse me.

Are there some good gay clubs in Saudi Arabia?

Holiday, ooooh!

It's not allowed in Tunisia.

-And do we need jabs in the bottom to go there?

-No, sorry.

Oh...eeee...aahh!

Hi, this is the famous Raffe van der Koont from Double Fist TV.

I was wondering if two sexy boys from this country

could go and have a nice honeymoon in Iran?

-Ohh...

-Ahh... Sexy!

Where do we get visas for our honeymoon?

-Yeah.

-We're going on honeymoon.

-Honeymoon?

-Yes. We just got married.

LAUGHTER

This is my husband.

-No, no, no.

-It's OK for us to go?

-Why not?

-Why not?

Ah, so we went to a lot of embassies,

but for some reason, we can't seem to get a visa.

So I've decided to take my new man-bride

back to my private dungeon in Amsterdam.

-This has been Raffe van der Koont and Ralph Billington-Smyth...

-Hi.

..for Double Fist TV.

Yeaaaaaaaaaah.

Sexy!

So we're just round the corner from Nick Clegg's house,

and there's a policeman on the door.

So we've come up with a cunning plan to get our researcher

Tom / driver Tom to distract him by walking up the other street,

and getting him to face the other way

while we put a plaque on his house.

So this is a plaque for Nick Clegg, services to the Tory party.

There's a policeman right round the corner,

but we've managed to honour him, nonetheless.

So in an attempt to fit in with the hippy washers,

I decided to dress like one of them.

So I got myself a helmet and a yoghurt-weaving top,

and since then, no-one has a clue I'm a journalist.

Mugging everyone off...

Actually, my life's great. I'll be in church tomorrow.

So as you can see, men and women still awake at, er...11 o'clock,

I mean clearly none of them have got work in the morning.

And this is the, er...the DJ.

Will you be playing any Lighthouse Family later?

Could you play some Michael Bolton for us?

Why don't you fuck off, bro?

Cool!

-We're going to go down the rabbit hole.

-We're going down the hole.

Going to go down the hole. Going inside the hole.

We're going into a hole.

We're going into some sort of rabbit hole here.

Rabbit, where are you?

I don't want to get my nice trousers dirty.

The white rabbit's still there, and we're going through into...

I don't know what this is.

Oh, my goodness. We're in a...

some sort of drug party.

I've just seen the rabbit, actually, get a huge cock out.

The rabbit and me are together again. How are you feeling, rabbit?

I am loving it!

Oh...I'm a tranced-out hippy.

No, I'm not, I'm Dale Maily, and in tonight's shocking expose,

I've proved that it's not big or clever to stay up late taking drugs.

In 2010, the British public was treated

to its first coalition government

since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

In this series, we follow two of the coalition's lesser-known MPs,

Conservative, James Twottington-Burbage,

and Liberal Democrat, Barnaby Plankton,

as we try to understand just how this relationship

could possibly work.

-Come on, James.

-What are we doing here?

-We're in Manchester, James.

-More like Kabul.

Actually, no, it's the largest university town in the UK.

-Fucking shithole.

-It's not a shithole.

There are lots of students here,

and we're here to tell them about the university of life.

Don't care, Barney. Don't care.

Even though students now pay up to £9,000

of their own money each year to be educated,

James and Barnaby still see them

as a financial burden to the Government.

Today, in an attempt to ease the current economic crisis,

James and Barnaby are on campus to persuade students to get proper jobs.

-Right, this is a trick that Dave learnt from Obama.

-Yeah.

If you roll up your sleeves,

you look like you're really getting

stuck in there,

and you mean business.

-What are you studying?

-Business studies.

-Oh, that's a very good degree.

-Very good, yes.

-Serious.

What we're really worried about is a lot of these bi-curious losers

who do humanities, you see.

I mean, what are they really doing? Just thinking.

But you see all the time you're spending thinking,

-you're costing me money.

-Yes.

So we're suggesting, do a woodwork course,

or go into the university of life.

When you're a student, I think it might be an idea

to wear some clothes, to have some self-respect.

Right.

-Hello, would you like some soap?

-No, thank you.

Would you like some soap?

The reality is that there aren't many jobs around

when people leave uni these days.

So we're just letting students know that we're running courses

in rejection, how to take it,

should you be turned down for a number of jobs after you leave.

-So would you like to sign up for that?

-Yeah.

-I'm sorry, it's full.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-I'm afraid you can't.

-I can't?

-It's full.

That's your first lesson in rejection.

Hello, mate, would you like some soap?

Very good, thanks very much.

Just trying to give you a bit of soap for that.

Oh, dear.

Why...are you going to go because you're feeling guilty?

Off to bury your head in weed or something?

Hi, guys. Hiya.

Um... Um... Um... Can I...

Can I...

Can I... Can I be your friend?

Can I be your...? Can I be your friend?

-What?

-Yeah.

-Um, yeah.

All my friends have got like, you know, like 1,300 friends.

I've only got 99.

Cause it's cool to have a lot of friends.

Isn't it good to have?

Do you want to maybe look at some photos of like

me with my mates and maybe you'd, like,

want to be my friend more?

If I showed you some pictures of my life, it's really cool.

You'd be a bit more interested.

Sorry I just poked you.

Can I just poke you?

Can I just poke you then, or...?

I can't poke you?

Just, go away?

This is when, like, all my really cool friends

threw a party for me and it was really cool and I had a really good time and I looked really good.

This is, like, me at a cool party with, like, pretty girls looking cool.

This is my friends, like, playing this really cool game.

You don't show any of your photos to strangers?

What's wrong with you?

Can I poke you?

The Chancellor of the Exchequer,

the Right Honourable George Osborne,

Member of Parliament for Tatton.

APPLAUSE

The government has sought to keep the British economy safe from in storm.

Whilst sharpening our competitive edge for the future.

And I congratulate the City for taking the same approach.

In the last year, while other financial centres in the west

have become less competitive,

London has actually strengthened its position

as number one in the global index.

This coalition government acted swiftly on taking office,

set out a credible and steady plan to reduce our country's record deficit.

And there is no-one in Britain

who would like to see stronger growth more than me.

Times may be tough, but for Asian factory workers they're

even tougher.

The reported salaries of employers at sweatshops used by H&M is

£43 a month.

By Adidas - £39 a month

And by big payers Apple, £150 per month.

Less than half the price of an iPad.

But it can't all be good as some of the factories Apple uses are

decked out with the latest suicide nets for their employees,

cushioning the blow of gross exploitation.

We work for You Do It.

Well, we work for You Do It. We're from You Do It.

How would you guys like to work at Apple?

At H&M and Adidas.

-Do you like Apple products?

-Yes.

-Would you like the chance to work in one of Apple's most important departments?

-Yes.

-How would you like to work at H&M?

-Yeah.

It's literally a key part of the profit making mechanism of Adidas.

It's a chance to go not only to work for Apple

but also to travel overseas.

Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to South East Asia?

-No, I haven't.

-Do you speak Chinese?

-I don't.

It's a great language.

There's no words for trade union or health and safety.

It's not going to be fun.

Not fun, I mean it's hard work, we're not going to lie to you.

The hours are murder, or suicide depending on your inclination.

Yeah, no I would love to, yes.

Have you ever worked in cramped conditions?

Um... No.

Do you want to just try something for me?

-Just lean forward like that.

-Yeah.

-Bend over like you're in a box.

And then you get your knees down like that, yeah. What do you think?

It's very good. You need to be more hunched, though.

Yeah, no more like that.

Could you take that for 13 hours straight?

No.

-Are you part of any trade unions?

-No.

Great, well you're totally eligible to work for us.

The benefits would be that you'd be a really key part of what

makes us millions and millions and millions of pounds every year.

-Yeah.

-High fives. You up for that?

-High fives, yes.

-Yeah, on the team.

Whilst on campus, James and Barnaby decide to drum up support for

the coalition, painting the parties as revolutionary, a quality

they believe will endear them to the students.

-So basically in these t-shirts, Dave and Nick...

-Right.

-We're rebranding them you see...

-I see.

..to students as revolutionary leaders.

-Yes. Well, they are.

-Well, cos you lot got them

-really riled up with this whole tuition-fee bollocks.

-Yes, I know.

What we'd like you to do is stop...

Yes.

..messing around smoking ganja, taking heroin, smoking crack...

Chasing the dragon.

..chasing the dragon, or whatever it is that you're doing,

get involved in the Big Society.

Barnaby is trying to explain the complex nature of the Big Society,

a flagship policy of the coalition.

And as you can see the arrows move from one circle to the next.

The first one is the nurturing circle.

The second one is the investing circle.

Tell me, are there any bars round here where any guys can go

and pick up some young crumpet and roger them silly?

Yeah, that's a funny question. I have no idea.

Then comes the inspiring circle, which takes us through phase

one and then on through the third arrow to the inspiring orb.

And then you conclude by reaching the energised orb.

Did you pick that up that time?

I want to nominate a man who is cool on the outside

but who burns for America on the inside.

President Obama started with a much weaker economy than I did.

He has laid the foundations for a new, modern, successful economy.

A shared prosperity.

And if you will renew the President's contract, you will feel it.

Whether the American people believe

what I just said or not may be the whole election.

I just want you to know that I believe it.

With all my heart, I believe it.

I love our country so much.

And I know we're coming back.

If that is what you want, if that is what you believe,

you must vote and you must re-elect President Barack Obama.

God bless you, and God bless America.

Do you want to comment on it?

Do you want to comment on that?

-Do you like that?

-Yeah, man.

-Do you like that?

-Yeah.

Do you want to comment on it? Why am I strange?

Why with someone that you don't even know, like, to like your pictures.

Could you poke me back?

It's just kind of rude if someone pokes you not to poke them back.

Just a little bit.

Just read this great article.

-I like your face.

-Thank you.

It's really good, actually.

Can I share that, actually? Do you like that?

-Do you want to comment?

-No.

Status update: So hot, thinking about having a shandy -

that's not gay, is it?

And I thought maybe

if I was friends with you I could see a couple more

-of your photos.

-What?

-What?

-You're scared?

-Yeah.

Status update: some guy's asked me to leave, what a nutter.

-Mental.

-Mental.

After the success of their Che Guevara t-shirts,

James and Barnaby have decided to offer them to secretary of state

for universities David Willetts to help win back the student vote.

Come on we'll be late for Willetts' speech.

Oh. Hi.

Hello.

-Hi, lovely, James.

-Hello, hi.

-Barnaby from the coalition.

-Hello.

We've had a bit of a rebrand.

Obviously we know students hate us, so we're wondering

if you wouldn't mind wearing this while you're on campus.

It's David Cameron and Nick Clegg as Che Guevara.

Revolutionary leaders for revolutionary times.

Students love all that bollocks, don't they?