Episode 3 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language

# Get on up, you got to get down

# That's right

# Everything is under control

# They got your souls

# Under control

# Your soul, baby

# Under control. #

-Stop being a tease!

-Stop being such a dirty filthy tease!

Some people say we're scum for papping the paps.

Show me your tits!

-If I didn't do it, someone else would.

-Stop being a fucking flirt!

It's not illegal, like, papping the paps.

What would people prefer, that we were shooting pandas?

-Mugging grannies?

-Touching up kids?

Come here, you gorgeous little darlings, you!

So we've had a tipoff, so we've actually come down

to Big Pictures, which is Darryn Lyons's office.

Darryn owns Big Pictures,

the biggest celebrity picture agency in the world.

He's the kingpin of over 1,000 paps.

-Go, go, go!

-Darryn!

Darryn! Give us a decko!

-Darryn!

-Come on, Darryn! Give me something beautiful.

-Darryn! Give me something nice!

-Aw, lovely!

-You absolute tease!

-Show us your six-pack!

-Show us your six-pack, Darryn!

-Come on, get out your six-pack!

-Oh, you sexy beast!

-Come on, one six-pack.

-Up the skirt! Up the skirt!

Come on, Daz, give us the six-pack!

Very good, but I don't think I'd give you a job.

-One job! Come on, Daz!

-Just one more! Darryn!

-Come on, Darryn!

Darryn, you dirty tease!

-Daz! Daz!

-Come on, Daz! Give us your titties!

-Darryn!

-Come on, Darryn! Give us a bit, Darryn!

-Darryn, come on, mate!

-Darryn!

-You...!

-You tease!

..but today, Rupert Murdoch accepted her resignation.

Former CEO of News International Rebekah Brooks headed for court.

At her side, her husband Charlie Brooks.

All are accused of trying to conceal material

from Scotland Yard detectives

involved in the phone-hacking enquiry.

When informed of these charges last month,

her husband spoke of a witchhunt.

She dismissed it all as a waste of public money.

I cannot express my anger enough.

The effect of which "which-which-which"

will be to ratchet up the pressure on my wife,

who I also believe is a subject of a witchhunt.

-We're in Chipping Norton.

-Yeah.

-Home of a known witch.

-Yeah.

Her name is Rebekah Brooks.

We're not actually proper witch hunters.

We're community support witch hunters,

so we're not allowed to burn her

but we are allowed to drag her from her home

and measure her against the weight of a duck.

Which is a shame, really,

because Jacob's actually very good at burning.

I'm good at burning, yeah. I did a course in it - only a summer course,

not the full three-year course.

-He's got real flair.

-Hmm.

Oh, look! Salsa classes!

Hello, sir.

Just letting people know about a witch lives in the area.

-You sure you're not hiding something?

-No.

-You promise?

-Yes.

I just wondered if you given any tickets to any broomsticks recently?

She has incredible powers.

She's been able to make newspapers completely disappear.

She's managed to bedevil David Cameron.

-Yes.

-So we've heard.

She's a disciple from The One Who Must Not Be Named - Lord Murdoch.

He's a bit like Voldemort, but more evil.

We've got no actual evidence that she is a witch,

but then again, we've got no evidence she's not a witch.

If you ask yourself, why has The Sun conducted witchhunts

against paedophiles, Muslims and gypsies,

but never against actual witches?

Conspiracy theory?

Righty-o, then.

Witchmaster General Lord Leveson

sent us to Chipping Norton to protect you. Do you feel in danger?

I'm not mad, madam.

Flame-headed man.

Are you related to this witch?

-I think you might be in a lot of peril.

-Need some protection?

I'm just going to draw a quick salt circle around you.

Do you weigh the same as a duck?

Ah, good question, Jacob.

So as long as you stay within this circle,

she won't be able to harm you.

I'm not sure if you've got any shopping to do this afternoon.

So you should be absolutely fine if you just stay exactly there.

-Don't move.

-All right?

Glad to have been of some help.

Welcome to Inside The Story!

I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero journalist

who's not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think!

I'm down here at the boat race,

where the cream of British society come down to quaff a Pimms or ten

and shout "ra ra ra ra ra" at the boys in tight shorts

as they sail by on their fantastic boats. My kind of fun.

There aren't too many black people or Asians, and not a Muslim in sight

So I've come to the boat race to celebrate how great

the United Kingdom really is.

What really defines us as a nation?

Um, for me, I think it's about our style.

-The countryside.

-Parties.

If the Argies wanted the Falklands back, what would you say?

If someone wants to take the Falkland Islands...

-They can fuck off!

-They're a fucking idiot!

-Idiot!

We fought for it and we should keep it, isn't that right?

I think we probably should, yes.

The most important thing - to fight wars, win the country,

make sure the Queen's on their money.

Absolutely, that's definitely the case.

The most important thing is that we let the Argies take the Falklands

-and then we kick the shit out of them...

-Yeah.

-..and take the Falklands back!

-We'll take them back!

So there it is.

Conclusive evidence that the United Kingdom is the best.

But shockingly,

this could be one of the last boat races in the United Kingdom

because the United Kingdom may soon cease to exist.

FLATLINE BEEP

It's all because some of the Scotch

want to have a referendum about independence.

Madness? Or is this Braveheart Part 2 - The Reckoning?

If the Scottish want to go away,

they should take their haggis and keep it.

How irrelevant would Scotland be if they became independent?

BAGPIPES PLAY

They're a country of only 5 million, a country of what? 5 million people?

Sorry, hang on a second. Shut up!

-Can you just hang on? I'm trying to do an interview.

-No worries.

What would you say to people who'd let Scotland leave Great Britain?

Well, I'd encourage them to carry on.

-In ten words, what would you say to them?

-Devolving a useless asset.

We do not actually have our own...

Culture, or anything like that?

..money. So we'd have to set up our own currency.

What would it be called? The Scottish Haggis?

-I think if you came to Scotland...

-Which I would never do.

-..with me and my friend...

-I would never do that.

-You would actually find...

-I'd just never do that.

So, Scotland,

you can either shove your smelly haggis bagpipes up your kilt,

or you can listen to me.

I'm off to the boozer.

STIRRING TV NEWS MUSIC

# Hey, Boots!

# Hey, Boots!

# Hey, Boots... #

Eye test? Free eye test.

-What does it say?

-B-O-O-T-S-A-R-E...

-Boots...

-Are...

Tax avoiding...

Shits.

"Shits."

But while you're buying your cosmetics,

they're getting made up

to the tune of an estimated £100 million a year in tax avoidance.

In 2010, the company moved their HQ

to the town of Zug, Switzerland

and is now pay as little as 3% tax.

These boots were clearly made for walking - all the way to the bank.

We're trying to raise people's awareness

of the fact that Boots has moved to Switzerland.

Have you got ID? Have you signed in?

No, did you not get the e-mail earlier today

from the accountant of Zug? Sorry, what's your name?

-I'll show you to a manager.

-Oh, yeah, OK.

We're from the Swiss head office.

We're just saying, if we said, "Zug - get the offshore look,"

do think that would work?

If it was branded a bit like Marc Jacobs, just "Zug".

-Would that work?

-Yes.

We've gone offshore,

-so we only pay 3% tax.

-Yeah. We're filling our boots.

To lower our rate of tax...

We're avoiding 100 million...

..in tax every year, at your expense.

Would you like to try some of this? This reverses the signs of paying.

-If you'd like to take one of those...

-Tax relief medicine?

-Look.

Basically impenetrable to the taxman.

Our perfumes don't smell of nasty, horrible things

like schools and hospitals.

You won't smell any public services after that.

-That wasn't Rohypnol or anything?

-No.

-Well, it might have been.

So what are we going to do?

We're going to keep ripping you off, hopefully,

and hopefully, none of you will notice, so if you take your medicine

and be a good girl, everything will be all right.

Police officers entered Andy Coulson's home at lunchtime

to remove his hard drive and other potential evidence.

The Prime Minister in Number Ten

had just given one of those press appearances

Andy Coulson used to manage for him.

Instead of standing in his traditional place

at the back of a hall watching David Cameron speak,

Andy Coulson was heading for a South London police station

where he was arrested and questioned

on suspicion of conspiracy to hack phones

and on suspicion of bribing police officers.

Here.

Andy Coulson...

That's his number.

Leave a message...

On his answerphone.

In the run-up to the 2010 election,

the Liberal Democrats pledged to abolish tuition fees,

cap bankers' bonuses, not increase the rate of VAT,

put 3,000 extra police on the street

and create 100,000 new jobs.

Ultimately, under the coalition government,

Nick Clegg seems to have created only one job -

that of Deputy Prime Minister.

With all those broken promises,

the Lib Dems themselves may be facing the biggest cut of all.

So, what have we got today, then?

I'm not sure, not sure.

Cowley Street.

It says here, "Lib Dem HQ."

I don't know, a couple of undelivered items, I think.

"No VAT increase."

-I've never seen that one before.

-Yeah.

27th April...

"Scrap Trident."

Oh, this one. What's that?

"End... End tuition fees"?

That one looks a bit broken, Jol.

Oh, no, it was like that when we got it.

It looks broken but actually, it's exactly how they want it.

Oh, yeah. This one's 11th December 2010.

This is quite a big one, Jol.

Oh, yeah, it looks big, but it's just full of hot air.

Another one. All right there.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too, mate. How's it going?

Just some, uh, undelivered promises, I think...

we thought we'd bring back.

Oh, yeah, this one, yeah.

-That's a funny one, that one. I'm not sure...

-When's that from?

It's for an N Clegg.

If you can just let him know they're here,

just returning the undelivered promises.

That one on child detention, I think...

They've been hanging in the warehouse for ages.

-We needed to get them out.

-Yeah.

The "No tuition fees" was broken when we had it. It wasn't us.

Yeah, sorry about that. It was like that when we found it.

We're going to have a community burning down the road.

We'll be burning a couple of witches. It'll be jolly good fun.

-Ever seen a witch burn at the stake?

-No, I haven't.

-It's bloody good.

Also, house and garage and old school hip-hop, if you're around.

-It'll be banging.

-Thanks very much.

We're building a big pyre and we're going to put her on top.

Would you like to come and police it?

There'll be Pimms and egg-and-spoon race.

I think she might be impervious to conventional forms of justice

so we've decided to jump straight to the burning.

INDISTINCT

-When's that?

-4pm on the green, just down there.

-Oh, right.

Yeah. If you'd like to come along, kids are welcome

and it's going to be jolly good fun.

Then we're all going to get pissed and sink her body in the river.

Could I ask you, as the Mayor of Chipping Norton,

would you like first beheading rights

when we burn her down the green later on today?

-No, I think I'll...

-Well, as Mayor,

it's your right to stab her in the heart seven times first.

Thank you, Mr Prime Minister.

I am very pleased to be back in the United Kingdom.

I note that you have arranged for typical London weather

these past two days,

and I'm very grateful for that.

Since David took office last spring,

I believe we've now met or spoken

at least two dozen times.

We may be leaders from different political traditions

but on a whole host of issues,

we see eye to eye.

The relationship between our two countries

is one that's not just based on warm sentiment or common history,

although those things exist.

It's built on shared ideals

and shared values.

As David said, it is a special relationship

and an essential relationship.

If you're 16 years old and fancy a fun day out,

come to the Army recruitment day.

At this theme park for war, you'll have a great time paintballing...

Get him!

..baking cakes

and watching helicopters,

which should take your mind off the dangers of actual conflict.

We have kids queueing up all the time, we have kids coming back.

I mean, if the kids like Call Of Duty and games like that,

they might as well come down here and give it a go.

On there, they'll get it with a controller.

However, here, you'll come through, move through

and fire as you're going through.

Can they go over a car with a family in it?

-Yeah, they'll be able to go over a small car.

-Brilliant.

Having a go with the GPMG. They've absolutely loved it.

The lucky ones will join in the fun for real

as this theme park has none of the actual excitement

-of a typical war zone.

-Bash the shit out of him!

-Real bullets hurt more than paintballs.

-Of course they do.

-We've got about, say, 4,000 people here today.

-Yeah.

We'd hope that at least 10% of those

will come back to us and show an interest

and then we'd take them forward into the process.

If this is how fun war is, sign me up!

In 2010, the British public was treated to

its first coalition government since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party

who have pretty much most of the power

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift

in our political landscape.

In this series, we follow two of the Coalition's lesser-known MPs,

Conservative James Twattington Burbage,

and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,

as we try to understand how this relationship could possibly work.

In this year's Budget, Chancellor George Osborne announced

a £10 billion cut on welfare spending

and continued cuts to child benefit.

Today, James and Barnaby are visiting a local estate

to explain the options facing people on benefits

in this time of austerity.

Hello. Do you have a moment?

Are you on benefits? None at all?

Housing benefit is very expensive.

The more we can encourage people to live in this new, alternative

eco-friendly solution, the better.

-Do you like the idea of one of these?

-No.

What don't you like about it?

Especially in the cold weather.

It's very warm.

It's quite comfy to live in.

You can get in quite easily.

We're trying to divert this money to James and some of his friends.

More support for the rich is what we're saying.

If I go down here, you can see.

It's a little like Japanese living. Have you been to Tokyo?

They live over there like that all the time.

We'll take away your home and you won't need housing benefit.

-How warm are you?

-I'd say I was quite warm.

You could potentially remortgage one of your children

or we could repossess them.

Hmm.

Barney, just get up.

Get out.

As you can see, I'm very comfortable.

Get up. Give him a hand.

Sorry, these Liberal Democrats - they're a bit mad.

-You can always come outside whenever you want.

-Like a roof terrace.

The good thing is you can take your house with you when you're done

and travel somewhere else.

-Lots of leg room.

-Yeah.

Welcome to If The Cap Fits,

the game show that decides which immigrant can enter the UK

and which can go back home.

This week's special guest celebrity contestant

is Tommy Robinson...

Whilst some have described them as

a dangerous cocktail of football hooligans,

far-right activists and pub racists,

according to their website, the EDL are decent, patriotic people

who are trying to make a positive change for the better.

Now it's time to find out if the cap fits!

-We're going to bring out a selection of immigrants.

-See who can go!

First you have Alif, a Turkish footballer.

He plays for Notts County.

He's got a good accountant. This is Stefan.

But he does work very hard.

This is Ali. He's a florist.

He earns £20,000 a year. Doesn't claim any benefits.

Bad fact, though. He is a bit fanatical about Islam.

This is Fatima, a fashion designer from Iran.

What size cap would you put on an immigrant like this?

In the points system, a skilled immigrant,

he's here to work, not to claim benefits or bleed off the system.

-No cap on footballers.

-No.

Stefan, Polish builder. What size cap?

I think we need to end all immigration from Poland now.

-Big cap?

-Now. Stop it all.

-Big cap?

-Yeah.

Not that the Polish community haven't come here and...

Would you have a larger cap on him than her?

Coming from Iran?

Large cap on him.

What would you have for the Islamic extremist? What size cap? Big? Small?

Is he an Islamic extremist? On a plane, mate!

So a really big cap? A cap like this?

-He'll be gone.

-OK. Good.

Fatima? Pays a lot of tax but she does wear the burqa.

That needs to be banned straight away.

What if we got her to wear adverts for British companies on her burqa?

-No.

-Still no?

-No.

-A big cap...

-Unless it's an English Defence League advert.

-You'd let her stay if she had EDL all over the burqa?

-Yeah.

Would you be happy with caps like this on these immigrants?

I'd be happy if we put caps on all of them, yeah.

-Should they be able to take them off at bedtime?

-No, leave them on.

In 2010, FIFA scored a spectacular own goal

when they announced the 2022 World Cup was to be held in Qatar.

The bid was surrounded by allegations of bribery,

with whistleblowers claiming millions of pounds and even knighthoods

had been on offer to hand the gulf state the event.

FIFA deny this but that hasn't stopped them

taking a good kicking.

Welcome to Qatar TV. Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!

# Ohhhhhhh... #

Football is the beautiful game of money.

Much money in the Premier League.

Much money for FIFA. We thank FIFA very much -

we take 2022 World Cup!

Money!

Football is all about money. Football money. Money, money, money!

Special money!

-We take the World Cup for 2022.

-Yeah.

You would like to come this?

No. No-one's going to go to Qatar, if I'm honest with you.

-Why not?

-It'll be too hot.

You can't play football in hot weather, can you?

-Camels.

-I do not do it in camels. I do it in money.

How has money ruined football?

It's made countries like Qatar come from nowhere and...

What do you say about my country?

-John Terry is the best.

-John Terry is very bad man.

If in Qatar he had nick another man wife,

-we would have to chop off his hands.

-Fair enough. Still got his feet.

INDISTINCT

-You will come to the World Cup 2022?

-Definitely.

You're not allowed to bring your gay friends or women.

I'll leave that to you, mate.

Any last words, Rebekah?

-Didn't think so.

-Witch!

I knew she would go head first!

She landed on her head.

-You can see how her skirt has come up.

-Totally normal.

It's all part of the procedure.

Celebs and models clamour for tables at Robert De Niro's

fashionable Nobu Fish Restaurant.

There is certainly something fishy on the menu -

the highly endangered blue fin tuna.

Despite protests, Nobu continues to serve up the dish,

showing no sign of reeling in their actions just yet.

# Well, I feel just like a child

# I feel just like a child

# Well, I feel just like a child... #

Got it!

Can you just remove this or ask for permission for that?

Permission to lock it up?

My friends have gone to fish for some.

There's no more fish!

There's no more blue fin.

Unfortunately, we've had to lock the place up.

The blue fin is extinct almost. There's none left.

My friends have gone to fish for some.

HE LAUGHS

-How can you put this? You're not allowed to put this.

-I know.

I know!

-You could do it this way.

-I've just done it!

-You can't do this!

-I've done it!

Guys, we're doing our best. We're trawling the bottom of the ocean

as fast as we can.

There's other tuna they can use. They don't need to use blue fin tuna.

They still have beer but no blue fin tuna.

You can have breadsticks and beer.

I'm going to try and find some blue fin for our friends at Nobu.

# Yeah, I need you to help me tie my shoe... #

I am Sam Fox and you're watching BBC W... what?

How many letters...

We're BBCOMG...

..OMGWTF.

-BBCOMGWTF.

-I beg your pardon?

Get me out of here.

Being on TOWIE is an amazing experience

but is it hard pretending to be you?

No, I love being me.

-How hard is it pretending to be you?

-Er...

It's harder than it looks.

-Is it hard pretending to be yourself on TV?

-Exactly.

-Do you practise?

OMG! Bob is coming down the red carpet.

I can't believe it! I loved him in Big Brother.

Two seconds for the BBC? Two seconds?

-Hello.

-Hello. That is an exclusive for BBCOMFWTF.

-'What's the person's first name?'

-Chris.

'His last name?'

Grayling. He's an MP.

He got the taxpayer to pay off the mortgages for his Pimlico home

and his Ashtead home.

'Thank you very much for that.'

-'We'll let the fraud team deal with that now.'

-Chris Grayling.

It's easy to find him. He'll be in Parliament most days.

It's quite amazing hypocrisy that Mr Grayling

thinks he can say that people on housing benefit

who have spare rooms, it's a luxury they don't deserve,

when he got the taxpayer to fund the redecoration of his house in London

to the tune of £10,000.

And he got us to pay off the mortgage for this home

and his house in London.

James and Barnaby have gone to chat to homeowners near the estate

to explain what impact the budget cuts will have

on the local area.

-Hello, hello.

-Hello.

We have a policy in the Coalition where we're getting poor people

to move out of areas they don't deserve to be in.

A lot of people are going to lose their houses on housing benefit,

which is a bloody good thing,

especially if you own a house.

You can't cut housing benefit... No, I don't.

Some of these people do need their benefit.

-Where do you think they will go?

-Somewhere else.

-Maybe Hull.

-That's a good place.

We were wondering if you could sign a petition that says

that your council tenants next door have been rowdy.

No, I'm not going to sign that.

-Are you a council tenant?

-I bought it.

-You bought the house?

-Yeah.

-That's very good. How did you do that?

It's not their fault they're poor but you choose where you're poor.

You can't be poor here any more.

-We just want to get the right sort of people in.

-The right people.

Not so much the hip-hop people.

More the classical music sort of people. You know what I mean?

The upper people.

-Poor people.

-Like me?

-No.

-Are you poor?

At least you're white.

Oh, my God!

With the kind of job he's done as President

when the best feeling you had was the day you voted for him.

'My promise is to help you and your family.'

CHEERING

Afternoon.

How's it going?

Good. How are you?

I'm all right. I'm not in the best way, to be honest.

I bought myself a convertible, one of these a little while ago.

I had the top down and I just couldn't pick up any girls.

I was driving down Marylebone Road, a sunny day.

I put the top down and couldn't pick up any girls.

That's part of the agreement? I want my money back.

Why do you buy one of these? To pick up girls.

Come on!

-Nobody has said or complained.

-So it's something wrong with me?

-No. I don't know.

-You're saying there's something wrong with me?

-I'm just saying...

-It's the car's fault. It's the car's fault.

Can I be honest with you?

I've got a really small penis.

That was... I thought this was going to help me get women.

James and Barnaby are attending George Osborne's

Mansion House speech.

After his budget U-turns on taxes for pasties, church improvements

and charity donations,

Barnaby has a present for the Chancellor

to help him during these times of cuts

and a double-dip recession.

When you said you'd bring me to a party, I didn't believe you.

This is the party of the year.

The Chancellor, the Lord Mayor - it's really the place to be.

-What a room, eh?

-Very grand.

-What a room.

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

I'm going to give him a present.

Exactly.

It's Mr Osborne, actually.

George, a GCSE maths textbook, just in case you need it.

Double dip and all that.

I thought it might help him. He needs some help with the economy!

-Why are you being such a twat?

-I just gave him a textbook.

What are you doing? That's so embarrassing!

I'm just trying to help.

A double-dip recession!

I'm really sorry.

Just trying to help.

What is that about?

That's ridiculous.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd