Episode 2 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

# Everything is under control

# You've got to get down That's right

# Everything is under control

# It's under control, ow!

# Ooh, baby, under control. #

This is product road test - Lynx effect.

# Girls, girls, girls

# Long legs and burgundy lips

# Girls, girls, girls

# Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip

# Girls, girls, girls... #

SHE GIGGLES # Red lips and fingertips... #

LAUGHTER

< Bender!

With over 430 million subscribers,

Vodafone have total assets of just over £150 billion.

In 2010, they settled an unpaid tax dispute by handing the taxman

a cool £1.25 billion.

Whilst denied by Vodafone, it was widely reported

in sections of the media that they in fact owed

the much larger sum of £6 billion.

Vodafone, a British company,

managed to legally avoid paying huge sums

by having subsidiary companies in countries like Switzerland,

where the tax threshold is far lower.

The office in Bern, to where these enormous sums are diverted,

is currently manned by a single employee.

And the Vodafone tax exile bug is spreading.

McLaren's Vodafone-sponsored Formula 1 drivers,

Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton,

avoid paying tax simply by living in tax havens.

As a British resident, if you don't feel like paying your taxes,

you are free to do so too...

in prison.

Yeah, we've just got here. No, it's cool. I'm sure. It'll be fine.

-Jolyan, Vodafone Swiss. How you doing?

-I'm OK.

-Did you get the e-mail from Amanda?

-No.

Well, we're doing the F1 offshore promotion. Starting it in London.

And so...do you want to check you got the e-mail from Amanda?

Just one in that window there.

And then one in that window there, OK? Great. That's fantastic.

If you can just get this sign up.

I'm confused as to why you don't know about it.

That is also very interesting...

We take that quite seriously in Switzerland.

What have you put up on the sign?

It's just the new branding, basically.

"Vodafone - taking Britain for a ride."

Don't know what the foggiest is going on. Fantastic.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Yeah. That looks great.

"Keeping Britain in the red."

Fantastic.

Yeah, offshore. Completely offshore.

Totally offshore.

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero-journalist,

who's not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news, as it happens,

wherever it happens, telling you the right way to think.

Hello, I'm Dale Maily,

and today, I'm in London for the most important day in the last 60 years.

Because today, we're here to celebrate

Her Majesty The Queen, Elizabeth II, by the grace of God

in Britain, Ireland, and the British dominions.

Queen bee on the sea, Defender of the faith.

-What's the best thing about being British?

-The Queen.

-How good IS she?

-Amazing!

Doesn't it make you proud to be British

when you see the beautiful landscape of Pippa Middleton's bum?

-No offence, but it is a royal heirloom.

-I wish I had one!

-Me too!

My fantastic pictures here of nation by nation

who have fell under our reign.

Jamaica, Australia New Zealand, the Gambia,

and plenty of other African ones, whose names I don't know.

How grateful are you for the Queen

and her ancestors for civilising you?

Is it good to know that the Queen is better than you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Why would you do to get a ticket to the next royal wedding?

-Would you drink a cup of dishwater?

-Probably.

Well, the British Empire, eh? What a story!

We gave the world cricket, we give the world civilisation,

slavery, so much to be proud.

Definitely. I think everyone should be proud of it.

If you had to chop off the head of one royal, who would it be and why?

One royal?

Isn't it generous of the Queen to grant us a day off,

-to let us feel how she does every day?

-I think it's brilliant.

Would you take a moment with me on camera to remember her?

Take a moment to remember her? What does that mean?

Just take a moment.

MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" by Elgar and Benson.

Coming up, the loony left-wing protesters

want to abolish the monarchy.

But they didn't count on Her Majesty's favourite

shit-kicking journalist turning up. Me!

Is this about democracy, or is it about the fact

that Prince William's shagging Kate Middleton, and you're not?

-HE LAUGHS

-No, well, I'm, er...

You're lost, aren't you? You don't know what to say.

You've realised you're defying the word of God,

and you feel guilty, isn't that the case?

No limits, no rules, and no Geneva Convention!

Let's shackle ourselves in for

Guantanamo Bay Sports Day!

Established under George W Bush to detain suspected terrorists,

we've kept the baddies under lock and key

in this Cuban hell-hole since 2002.

Today, we've got the guards, we've got the inmates,

we've got those sexy cheerleaders.

We've even got the good old-fashioned armed English police.

Those pistols, how cute!

And today, we've brought the action to good, old London, England.

We're outside the US Embassy,

the only true bastion of freedom in this limey shithole.

Now the day's first degrading event, the human pyramid.

Inspired by our military personnel

in our superior Iraqi detention centre in Abu Ghraib.

HE CHUCKLES

That is some Grade A human pyramid action there,

in front of the US embassy!

The inmates have scored a handful of points,

and maybe they'll be allowed a phone call home to their wives.

Just kidding! We don't give a Ramadan!

And, look! A special guest appearance in the crowd today

from the famous hooded man with arms outstretched.

He's really milking his newfound celebrity!

Rumours are that he's now dating Lindsay Lohan.

Why don't you stub out some cigarettes on some heads?

And when the round is over,

they're still all the best of friends.

# One, two, one, two, three

# USA, land of the free! #

Wooo!

Hello, madam. Hello. Hello, sir.

In 2010, the British public was treated

to its first coalition government

since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party, with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

In this series, we follow two of the coalition's lesser-known MPs,

Conservative, James Twattington-Berbidge,

and Liberal Democrat, Barnaby Plankton,

as we try to understand just how this relationship could possibly work.

Today is the London mayoral elections,

and whilst the main contenders,

Boris Johnson, Ken Livingstone,

Brian Paddick, and Jenny Jones prepare themselves,

James and Barnaby are out drumming up support

for their party representatives.

-Hello. I was just wondering if you'd voted yet today?

-Yes.

-Oh, right.

And could I ask how you voted?

-Well, it's certainly nothing to do with that colour.

-Oh, is it not?

-No, I can't stand you lot!

-Right.

-Hello, er...

-You must be a Tory, by the look of you?

-I am, yes!

You've fucked up the country.

-Sorry, what?

-You've FUCKED UP the country.

Just to let you know that Ed Miliband is gay.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, why are you saying that?!

Bankers, bastardy!

Oh, but, bankers, they're jolly good chaps, really!

No, they're not! They're cunts.

-Excuse me?

-They're cunts.

No job is worth £16 million of a bonus.

You're not going to vote for Ken, I hope?

-No, I'm not going to vote for Ken.

-Great. OK.

Cos I heard rumours that he's a drug addict...

Oh, don't say things like that!

-Have you voted?

-I'm not going to vote Lib Dems.

-Not going to vote Lib Dems?

-No, no.

-Why not?

-I just feel little bit...

-Let down?

-Let down.

-Right, well, sorry about that.

-What if we gave you 50 quid for your vote?

-No, you'll never get it.

-£100?

-No, nothing.

-£200?

-No.

-Come on, £300?

-No, no!

If I told you that the Tories made us, they were really mean to us,

and they said, if we didn't do what they said, they'd, er...

That doesn't fill me with the greatest confidence.

We did WANT to talk on behalf of the people...

That's like saying, if the Tories wanted you to jump off a bridge...

They did ask that, yes.

-Um, is this your property, is it?

-It is, indeed.

Could you possibly take some of this down?

-HE LAUGHS

-I must get on with some work!

Why the blue door? You must be a swing voter!

-All right, well, thank you.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye.

DOORS SLAM

So, shocking as it may be to some of you viewers,

I've found disturbing evidence that suggests that

a load of foreigners, gypsies, and antiroyalists

have come down to the Queen's celebrations to demonstrate.

So I'm going to go and tell those treasonous peasants what's what.

-Did you laugh when the Queen Mother died?

-No.

I bet you did! What were you doing?

Where were you when she died?

-Were you responsible for her death?

-I was at home.

It's a well-known fact that if we got rid of the Queen,

within a couple of years, we'd be a Communist state,

led by anarchists like Ken Livingstone.

Is that what you really want?

-No, we would be a nice, free, democratic state.

-Are you sure?

Like Ireland or Germany, for example, where...

Look at the French. They're a bunch of arseholes. They got rid of the monarchy.

-You want us to be like the French?

-Bit harsh.

-Which of this lot has been paid to go and assassinate her?

-None!

Isn't the point, truly, that this bunch of anarchist hippies

is just not really cricket?

-Well, what's cricket or not is a matter of...

-Cricket's a game!

-You don't even know what cricket is?!

-You're using a metaphor.

-You're using a metaphor, so...

-Am I? Am I?

-Oh, you don't even know what a metaphor is?!

-A meta for what?

What if YOU'RE a metaphor?

You've just used a metaphor, and don't know what it means.

Do you want to ask the question again?

What's a metaphor?

-A benefit cheat?

-A benefit cheat lives in the area.

What a bastard!

We're letting everyone know. Trying to name and shame.

-What?

-Yeah, his name is George Osborne.

George Osborne says it's time to get tough on benefits scroungers,

describing them as no different from muggers who rob you in the street.

But people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Some MPs have two homes, one in London,

and another in the area they represent,

and it's the taxpayer who foots the bill

for the MPs' second home.

In 2003, George Osborne flipped his second-home status

over to his farmhouse in Tatton, Cheshire,

where he's an MP.

But just before he did that,

he remortgaged the property,

which he already owned outright.

Multimillionaire, George, then had the taxpayer fork out

for the interest repayments

to the tune of about £100,000.

But then, this is the same guy who once claimed £47 for two copies

of the DVD of his own speech,

on value for taxpayer's money.

And I think the British people

have a strong sense of what is fair.

What we're going to do is put a plaque on his house, you see?

It says George Osborne, Benefits Scrounger.

And it's just to commemorate his services

to benefit scrounging, really.

George, if you needed £100,000 that badly,

why didn't you ask us to write you a cheque?

Cos you're a multimillionaire, and we'd have told you to fuck off.

Those with the most need to pay more.

There's a booing here, as the republicans

have decided to go crazy and started chanting, devil-worshipping.

They're saying, "Elect a head of state!"

They're booing, as you can see over here,

people who love the monarchy,

good, British people, are totally terrified by this.

-Would you like to get rid of the Queen?

-Yes, I think...

Is your mother ashamed of you?

Are you going to burn in hell for the things you're saying?

Do look like an anarchist?

Yes.

I can categorically assure you that the republic's official position

is we do not wish to convert Buckingham Palace into a mosque.

So, that's an official statement.

They will NOT turn Buckingham Palace into a mosque.

Well, it's been quite an extraordinary day here in London.

I've civilised the foreigners,

taught the republicans a thing or two,

and realised that being British

is the most important thing in the entire world.

This is Dale Maily,

getting Inside The Story

at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

Thanks, ma'am!

MUSIC: "Land of Hope And Glory" by Elgar and Benson

After the morning's door-to-door canvassing,

James is now taking matters into his own hands

to get more votes for Conservative mayoral candidate, Boris Johnson.

-What are you doing, James?

-Er...nothing.

-Pop-up polling station.

-Pop-up polling station?

Yeah, we did a bit of a think-tank. We thought it was a good idea.

-Is that approved, officially?

-Well, sort of, yeah.

If you just want to come this way. Put a cross there.

Then we'll get your vote off...

tickety-boo, as it were.

-First, second...

-Yeah, first is best.

What's the difference between that and that?

Well, that's for Boris,

and that's for Boris as well.

They're all for Boris!

You could just do Boris second.

This is only Boris.

-The only option's Boris.

-Is it?

Have you made these ballot papers yourself?

-It just says, "Boris" on it.

-Does it?

James, there's not even LibDem on there!

If you just fold it up so no-one can look. Secret ballot.

You just put it in there. Thank you very much.

That's great, thanks very much. That's fine. Yeah, OK.

Thanks a lot. Cheers.

# Girls, girls, girls

# Long legs and burgundy lips

# Girls, girls, girls

# Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip

# Girls, girls, girls

# Red lips, fingertips

# Trick or treat, sweet to eat

# On Halloween and New Year's Eve... #

Sorry, I was just...just spraying some deodorant on.

# Girls, girls, girls. #

Ed Miliband will make a speech quite shortly actually,

arguing that the challenge is to make Britain a fairer country

when there is no money to spend.

ACTUAL: My speech today is about values.

To demonstrate once and for all that the Labour Party

is a party for all times, not just the good times.

A lot of people will hear me talk about values

and say, "Welcome to the real world.

"Values cost money, but right now

"the Government just doesn't have money to spend."

A lot of people say, "These are tough times.

"It's easy to talk about fairness.

"But how are you going to achieve it when there's less money around?"

# USA, USA Cracking terror every day

# Oooooohh! #

Welcome back to Guantanamo Bay sports day,

live from the American Embassy London.

A quick warm-up game for the guards.

Who can throw the Universal Declaration Of Human Rights

the furthest?

Can you take me home, please? Can you give me a lift home, bro? Please.

I'm from Bradford!

Next, it's the waterboarding event.

Lots of opportunities for the guards to score points here.

No opportunities for the terrorists. Sounds unfair?

-Hey, so was 9/11, bitches!

-PRISONER SCREAMS

-We're good, we're good. We bond.

-You did rape me once.

-That was only cos you were doing your job.

-I was doing my job, man. That's what I have to do.

-That's what the government said.

-How long until I can go home now?

20, 30 years.

Let's see how tough

these terrorists really are.

If they can cope with sudden exposure to sunlight

after years of sensory deprivation, they get a point each.

Hey, Muhammad, maybe you could borrow a burka

from one of your wives!

At the end of a remarkable day, America is victorious again.

And we can sleep safe in the knowledge

that the real winner today was freedom!

Do you think you'll get a trial?

What, for the Olympics?

I hope, I think on the back of today's performance, I think there's every possibility.

While ballot boxes for the London mayoral election are being counted,

James and Barnaby are in the media centre of City Hall,

awaiting the results.

We could get the result in the next half hour.

You can make yourself in a moment here. Do you want to be on TV?

-I don't know...

-Watch this. This is what Daddy always used to do.

See, now right now, this is live TV.

Right now.

Look at that screen. That's your face, Barney.

-That's your fucking face on live TV. See that?

-That's brilliant.

-Gets yours out.

-Right.

-Look important.

But just keep looking at this, look at it and go like this, "Ooh."

-Just do that.

-Ooh.

Just look at it together.

-Now you're on TV. That's mad, isn't it?

-Amazing.

Thank you very much indeed for being with us.

I want to grab a word with Jenny Jones, the Green candidate.

I caught you out of the corner of my eye.

See that women? That's Jenny Jones. She's a lesbian.

No, she's not, she's just a Green Party candidate.

-Filthy, bloody filthy.

-You know an awful lot.

-Jenny, just wanted to say congratulations.

-How does it feel so far?

-Well, I'm feeling third.

-That feels very, very good.

-Well, congratulations.

-Yes, thank you.

-I'm all right, you all right?

-Good, thanks. You?

-Enjoying the evening?

-Yeah, very much.

Whilst rain across the UK lead to flooding the summer,

hosepipe bans were put into place by water companies.

But no hosepipe ban can help the water industry in England and Wales,

as they lose 3.36 billion litres of water per day in leaks.

If all the pipes could be fixed,

it would save enough water to supply 22.4 million people every day.

Thames Water alone loses 664.6 million litres of water per day,

whilst in 2011 made £600 million in operating profits.

Come on, hurry up.

Come on, you lot. Take that look off your face.

Just brought some kids in here. We saw the hosepipe ban.

We're a bit concerned about the amount of water that's been lost.

We caught these three using their water pistols.

They were taking it from a hosepipe and we've been collecting water

from all the leaks for the last couple of days.

They're in flagrant disregard of the law and we want to know what you'll do with them.

-What am I going to do?

-They were spraying each other up and down the High Street.

With water pistols.

Today's water pistol user is tomorrow's hosepipe bandit.

-Absolutely not!

-What will you do with them?

Will you assure us that you'll impress upon them how serious

a hosepipe ban is in this time of drought, when 665 million litres

of water are already being lost by Thames Water?

The last we need is kids having fun in the street with water pistols.

Everything she says, you listen to her.

And if she beats you, you don't have access to lawyers.

APPLAUSE

ACTUAL: This is not a conventional economic crisis

of the kind Britain has had to deal with in the recent past.

This is a debt crisis.

Deficit reduction and growth, they are not alternatives.

Delivering the first is absolutely vital in securing the second.

Now Britain cannot cut itself off

from what happens elsewhere.

As our biggest trading partner,

the problems in the Eurozone are affecting Britain too.

Look across the country at Honda in Swindon,

Jaguar Land Rover in the West Midlands,

Toyota in Derby, Nissan in Sunderland.

Britain's car industry is growing.

And it's not just our car industry that is strong.

Life sciences, pharmaceuticals, information technology,

aerospace, the creative industries.

Now I cannot predict how this crisis will end for others.

And I cannot pretend that Britain will be immune

from the consequences either.

Thank you very much for listening

and I look forward to answering your questions. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

B-B-C O-M-G W-T-F?

OMG, yeah?

-BBC OMG WTF, fam.

-OK.

-You feelin' it?

Yeah, why not?

-Usher. What's up, G?

-What up, G?

We're going to play a little game, OK? It's called Dos Or Don'ts.

-VIP rooms.

-Do.

-Do.

You've got pretty fly hair, how long does it take you to style your hair?

-How long to style my hair?

-Male grooming.

-Don't.

-Don't.

-Do our hair? I'm two minutes.

-Two minutes?

-A little bit...

But seriously,

what would you do about the current crisis of austerity?

-The crisis of...?

-What?!

-One word for David Cameron.

-Why are we here?

-Why are we here?

-Why are we...?

-Why are we here?

-Summertime ball.

Oh, you mean here on the planet?

On Earth?

The meaning of life?

What happens when we die?

According to energy watchdog Ofgem,

profit for dual-fuel customers rose 733% in 2011.

In the meantime, hypothermia-related deaths

and hospital admissions have almost doubled in the past five years.

In the first half of 2011,

the big six energy companies posted profits of around £3.5 billion,

with some of them raising energy prices

by up to three times over inflation.

EDF alone pocketed record profits of £1.59 billion.

While pensioners are struggling to keep warm,

it would seem the energy companies have money to burn.

# It's gonna take some time

# To really make this work... #

Oh, that's lovely. It's all right, Granny, don't worry.

Sorry about that, Granny. Do you want your blanket?

That's fine, here's your blanket.

You are defrosting after the winter. I know it was a cold winter.

You can actually have tea AND heating, because we're not at home

any more, we're in the EDF office and they've got loads of money.

Hello, sir. Oh, we're just storing our grannies here for the winter...

-No, you're not.

-They've just defrosted after the winter. They're still quite cold.

This is my grandma. Would you like to meet her?

We just thought we'd leave our grannies here until next winter.

I should say thanks really,

because my granny actually stuck her head in the oven last year.

And you guys managed to turn the gas off just before, you know,

she actually turned the heat on, so you saved her life.

This is the guy who's making £168-a-second with his friends

-in the energy companies.

-Oh, that's nice!

-Yeah.

If you are, you're very welcome, but please take your shoes off.

-I don't know, Granny, they're all a bit mean here.

-Yeah, they're mean.

-Granny, he's touching me!

-You mustn't touch him!

-No.

-Tell him, Granny!

-Shall we leave you here?

-It is warmer than home.

-Will you look after them?

-She likes two sugars

-and she does flamenco on Wednesdays.

-Bye, darling.

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Bye, Granny!

-Bye!

Prince Harry, welcome to BBC OMG WTF.

Look, huge respect on the strip billiards

and the busty, nude-y hen fun. They were fit.

Is it true that the Queen's been Skyping you and egging you on?

Um, I haven't had a chance to speak to her on the actual trip.

I had a brief conversation with her, half-an-hour conversation

before we came out and yeah, she wished me luck

and I sort of explained where we were going

and what we were doing, or what I thought we were doing,

most of it was different to what the programme had.

And yeah, then we had a great chat and she said, "Enjoy it,"

and I said, "I hope I do you proud," and that was that.

It was a typical grandmother to grandson thing,

-if you could see it like that.

-No, I'm sure she is proud,

but those photos, BBC OMG WTF!

I'll tell you what, it's been an emotional trip.

Two ballot boxes went missing.

Amazing sorts of rumours have been going round

that there may be a recount.

We're waiting for one constituency, Brent and Harrow.

-I didn't throw...

-Listen, OK, you were in it up to your absolute ruddy neck, Barney.

I won't have you drag me into this voter fraud. I won't.

-Er, James!

-Shoo now, Barney.

-What's that in your hand, James?

-Nothing.

-Yes, it's a ballot box.

-Oh, yes, so it is.

-And it's full of Labour votes.

-Oh, look, a floating voter!

JAMES CHUCKLES

James, that's electoral fraud!

And it's also definitely littering!

If I knew something about that, do you think I should tell someone?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-What do you know?

-I don't know anything.

If it did turn out that, whatever,

someone had got a box and thrown it in Brent, they'd go to jail, right?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Almost certainly.

Listen, did you hear that they found that ballot box in Brent?

-Two ballot boxes.

-Do you think that's some fraudulent thing?

People in Birmingham who did vote rigging,

I think they got a couple of years.

Right.

-It's quite a while, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Dad, I fucking did it, all right? I fucking threw the box in Brent

and I think they've fucking found it, Dad.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

That Barney, he's going to fucking lose it.

Voter fraud, voter fraud, voter fraud. What the fuck?

I can see him now, he's a fucking pussy!

My shingles is coming back, I can feel it.

The race to be Mayor of London...

well, we've been saying it for hours, is expected to be announced shortly.

Boris, just wanted to say, from the boys, well done.

PM Boris, number ten.

The result is fairly imminent.

APPLAUSE

There you can see Boris Johnson,

Ken Livingston taking his place.

I therefore declare Boris Johnson

to be elected as the Mayor of London.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Boris! Winner, we've got a winner!

Absolute winner!

Oh, yes!

Thank you very much, Mr Returning Officer.

-Don't worry, Barn, Daddy's sorted it.

-Are you a bit shaken up?

Had a bit of a scare, yes.

You're one of us now, Barn.

-One of us.

-Yeah...

-Do you mean it?

-Yeah!

# Fire in the disco

# Fire in the Taco Bell

# Fire in the disco

# Fire in the gates of hell

# Don't you want to know how we keep starting fires?

-# It's my desire

-It's my desire

It's my desire

# Don't you want to know how we keep starting fires?

# It's my desire... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd