Episode 1 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains very strong language.

I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetro-journalist

Hello, I'm Dale Maily and welcome to Inside The Story

and behind me is a family-friendly celebration of good old England

where a load of patriots have got together

and decided to walk down the street chanting, "E-E-EDL"

The English Defence League is a patriotic bunch of men and women,

they are in fact a decent bunch of people

keep these shores free from the wild spread of Islam.

We've had a belly full of extremist fucking Islamists.

We're quite happy for them to join us

if they don't want to kill us, but they all want to kill us.

Every religion should be banned they're all crap.

But you're only going to show that 0.001% of people,

What do you want back about the country? Our country

What do you need them to give back to you?

What do you make of reports that radical Islam

is interested in turning Buckingham Palace into a mosque

That'll never happen, no way, not now.

If you are against Islam, you're called an Islamophobic.

If someone wants to call me an Islamophobic

for being against paedophile gangs, sharia law and all that shit,

The best thing about these demonstrations

is that people are well-behaved they know what they're doing

and it's a good place for all the family

As you can see, there's people here of every colour and creed

should be a country full of people that love everyone. E-E-EDL!

What do you make of some of the reports on the internet

want William and Kate to call their baby Mohammed?

There you go, this is England for you, know what I mean?

What they after, another prophet? After what? Another prophet.

I'd go for a drink with them, but they don't drink. True.

But there obviously is the odd bloke what's had a few drinks,

but fair enough, they've got a good heart. Have you got kids

I've got two lovely children. Are they girls? Two little kids

Yeah, do you want Muslims fucking touching your kids up?

This is Dale Maily getting inside the story.

My name is Alternator. Street magician.

I love magic, but not when it's used for the dark arts,

These guys help the government make the tax laws

and then inform their big-business clients

the money disappears from the taxman's wallet.

In an accountancy firm, yes. Mind psych!

Have you got 10p? I knew you would. There you go.

I bet you've got three 10ps in your wallet. Three 10ps.

Going to put 10p here, going to put the 2p here.

Going to put these two coins in your palm, OK?

Now, close your hand. Open your hand.

Your 8p unfortunately has gone into a shell company

with an opaque structure, so I'm not sure you'll see it again.

When I say "now", close your hand, OK?

I've offset that extra 8p against loss-making subsidiaries in Jersey.

Really? It's a tax loophole, you see. It just went...

I get the feeling you work in accountancy. Yes.

Can you write your name on this card, please?

was treated to its first coalition government

since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape

and we're following two of its lesser-known MPs,

Conservative James Twottington-Burbage

and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,

of this political union's uncertain future.

Today, James and Barnaby are in Oxford,

a notorious student society whose former members include

the Chancellor George Osborne, and London Mayor Boris Johnson.

After a spate of recent press stories of outlandish behaviour

is hoping to clear the Bullingdon name.

Do you know anything of the Bullingdon Club?

It's a bit like the Masons, isn't it?

Oh, it's just a kind of drinking club

for privileged public schoolboys to get together

and to carry on the networking that carries into their adult life.

How do you think the Bullingdon Club recruits?

By a tap on the shoulder when you know the right people

and just expect to be able to pay for it afterwards.

Are these your parents? Yes. They look quite well-to-do.

They look pretty wealthy. That's good, that's good.

in having the BoJo procedure done to you?

That's when you dye your pubic hair blonde.

I believe in a meritocracy, that people with talent should rise,

rather than depending on who your parents are,

Yeah, keep on dreaming, I'd say, you know?

'Sick of hearing the public's negative views on his beloved club,

'and James has an idea about how to make a lasting impression.'

Don't get to see him so much now he's Prime Minister,

but thought I'd give him a Bullingdon Club annual from 1 86,

get him to sign. Who knows, maybe he'll put me in the Cabinet.

Dave, lovely to see you, mate. Hello, good to see you.

Wanted to give you this Bullingdon album. Oh, thank you very much

Surely you could sign it too, Dave. Come on, mate.

Come on, we had a bloody good time at the Buller.

It's not about that 400 quid you owe me, is it?

Google "massive revenue" and you might well find Google themselves.

The Internet masterminds hauled in a whopping ?11.5 billion

And yet, thanks to a cheeky tax loophole

that involves processing earnings via Dublin,

they only paid ?10 million in corporation tax,

less than 0.1% of their total earnings.

yet not exactly the best deal for the British taxpayer.

Perhaps the world's biggest search engine

in the foyer of the Google office upstairs.

This is the whole O'Google thing? Yeah.

I think it really talks about our Irish head office.

Yeah, exactly, that's the most important thing.

but the whole Irish thing really speaks through here.

What do you guys think of the new re-brand?

cos obviously you know with the whole Irish tax-avoidance thing

they've decided to rename it O'Google.

Guys, just to let you know, now when everyone answers the phone

could you please say, "Hello, O'Google", like that?

Can we all have a little practice please? Hello, O'Google.

Very good. She's got it, she's got it. They new letters

what do you think? Do you like them? Yeah.

Yeah, can you say it? O'Google. O'Google.

You've got to say it like this O'Google! O'Google!

It does exactly what we wanted, you know?

It just says "Ireland", really. Yeah, for me it says "offshore".

'After my fantastic day out at the EDL march,

'I wanted to go deeper inside the story.

'So I went to meet several European political powerhouses

'to see if Islamification was also as out of control

Isn't it the case that the Qur'an basically says

that a good Muslim is frankly a terrorist?

my quote is that not all Muslims are terrorists,

Yes, it is. So let's just get this right.

Tell me when you saw someone of your grandad's generation

skiing down the Alps in a burka You ever seen that?

No, definitely not. Would you like to? Definitely not.

I would not support a burka on the liberty statue,

Actually I think it's a shame to have burkas on anybody,

because I think it's a symbol of suppression.

Maybe we should just say, "Hello, hello, are you listening?

"Why don't you just go home now take your burkas,

Austria has actually banned the building of minarets

because they don't want to hear the Islamic call to prayer

because it may actually disturb the cultural landscape of Austria.

by the shout of a Muslim singing in the morning.

featured the Eiffel Tower becoming a minaret.

And what would you do if the Eiffel Tower did become a minaret?

If it did go wrong and nothing changed in 20 years

We took it from Hitler, we're not going to give it to Islam,

isn't that right? That's a nice quote.

Well, you could use that one in one of your speeches.

I'll give that to you for free I'll write it down.

and I'm delving into the magic of tax loopholes.

What cash have you got on you? Show me your cash.

I'm going to make it disappear by walking away with it.

Look, what I want to talk to you about today

We need to show the country that we are ready to make a difference,

And our starting point in 2015-16 will be that

Now, there'll be some people who say

this means we can't make a difference,

BBC programmes are funded by money from your licence fee

a swanky ?1 billion office in Central London,

it has also funded massive payoffs

including the best part of ?1 million

to ex-deputy director general Mark Byford,

to former director general George Entwistle.

In 2011, the total cost of redundancy payments

and with the BBC accused of rewarding failure,

has vowed to cap pay-outs at ?150,000,

which means that those BBC execs who want massive pay-offs in the future

are going to have to start begging for them.

Hello, sir, could you spare any change for BBC In Need?

Hi, girls, BBC In Need, can you spare any money?

and we want to try and improve on that.

Oh, right, OK. I've only got one penny, sorry

That helps. It's a bit like Children In Need, isn't it?

Oh, cool, that's unpaid I take it? Yeah.

Right, good, cos these guys get actually about 150K.

?58 million we spent between 2010 and 2011.

Those skiing holidays don't pay for themselves, sir, come on.

Hello. BBC In Need?! Yes, hi. What's that?

Cos we've got an awful lot of execs who keep fucking up

Why do you think the Dr Who effects budget is so shit?

If I give you money, where's it going to go to?

Well, it's going to go to what you might call golden pensions,

although it's a bit different from a golden pension

Hello, sir. Hello, mate. Spend some money for BBC In Need?

Network Rail run Britain's rail infrastructure,

they missed every single punctuality target.

Despite the inconvenience and delays they foisted on millions of Britons,

have seen their pay packets chug along

with a 2.5 percent increase coming down the line

and a share of a bonus pot worth ?350,000.

Maybe if they knew what it was like to be delayed themselves,

they'd do more to get their customers

Just come to do the engineering works on the doors

We've just got to shut down three of the doors

cos they're a bit of a danger. Hello, sir. Security.

Oh, great, OK, so you've come down to help us with these doors?

Great, can you lock all three of them, mate. All three?

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we've had to close the three doors

due to Network Rail having a problem.

Sorry if this is inconveniencing you and you're late,

but unfortunately there was unforeseen rain

Sorry, madam, unfortunately the doors are shut now

We are running a replacement door service

we've had some leaves in the three main doors here,

so we've had to shut them down for essential maintenance work.

OK. Yeah, there's just routine maintenance

and unfortunately our guys are stuck on a Network Rail train

so they'll be here shortly. Yeah, that's how it goes!

Yeah. He'll be about an hour. Are you in a hurry?

Where are you off to? I need to get a train in 12 minutes.

Get a train in 12 minutes. Any other routes you can take?

We're trying to solve it. I just want to leave.

Well, I know, we all have places to go, don't we?

It's annoying when you're late for meetings.

But we have been planning this for a long time.

We're sorry for not conducting this maintenance work in the night

when you wouldn't have had to go through the doors,

OMG. I'm Zan Smith, and welcome to the Cannes Film Festival.

OMG, I'm here with the wonderful Fan Bingbing.

How are you feeling? Yeah, I feel very good.

Are you having an amazing Cannes? Yes, I am.

I'm here with Cara Delevingne. How are you enjoying Cannes?

I'm loving Cannes. Is it the bomb? It is the bomb-diggity.

Are you excited to be back in Cannes?

I am, I'm excited for our movie The Bling Ring.

Are you excited to be back in Cannes? Very excited.

It's going to be amazing, right? Amazing.

Ooh, that Carey Mulligan looked so good last night.

Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt. Oh, my god, he's amazing, he's incredible.

But, seriously, what countries are being illegally bombed?

Who? What are we going to do when we run out of oil?

You run out of oil? Well, you go get some new one.

How are we going to end global poverty for ever?

Should we make drone warfare illegal?

What's that got anything to do with the price of cheese?

The price of cheese? Is it expensive?

You may think your boss is a pain in the arse,

for a factory making Nike goods in Indonesia.

have resisted implementing a government pay rise

to bring workers a minimum wage of just ?142 a month.

The Indonesian military are also accused

of pressuring employees at one supplier factory

which stated their willingness to forgo the pay rise.

It's about exercise, isn't it, you know?

Yeah, like, exercising their rights and shit.

Well, no, it's more about exercising your legs, arms,

and upper body, but not your rights at all. Oh! Safe!

CUSTOMER: Work hard, play hard something like that?

work hard, work hard, work hard, work hard.

Only work hard, yeah? Well, basically, yeah. Mostly.

get a bit more across, like, what the working conditions are like

What do you think of the campaign team?

It's part of the whole Nike rebrand thing we're doing. OK.

you know, like, blood, sweat and tears, but mainly the blood

It's part of the whole work hard, play hard, work hard

work hard, work hard, work hard work hard thing. Sounds good.

Downstairs are, like, putting these new brand signs up.

We're just collecting for BBC In Need.

Do you realise some BBC executives who have been fired from their roles

may have to go and work for organisations

With your hard-earned money, we can give these execs a home

so they don't have to go and work for crappy organisations like ITV.

Have a heart, sir, Entwistle needs a new gold-plated toilet rim. Yeah.

Some of these execs had to answer up to ten e-mails a day

We're collecting for people who do very little work,

and are awarded for failure. What's wrong with that?

So do people actually give you money for that? Yeah.

If we actually don't give them these massive pay-offs,

they're going to have to go and get jobs at Channel 4,

and we want to spare them their dignity. Have some pity.

Like, Miranda Hart's going to perform a dirty protest.

It's true. Clarkson's going to stop being a bigot.

Excuse me, sir, We're from the BBC, can I just have a moment?

Can I have the shirt off your back?

Where does it go in? It goes in there.

To give you an example, Mark Byford,

he was known for doing things like going to the World Cup,

spending ?5,000 on expenses. Cost the taxpayer five grand.

So we thought we'd give him about ?900,000

So, do you want to donate to that? Er...not really.

The moral compass of PR companies is set to "questionable"

when dictators and corporate polluters are on their client list.

Bell Pottinger, one of the UK's largest PR firms,

has worked for the Sri Lankan government,

even though it was accused of bombing civilians

in the war against separatist rebels in 2009.

They've also been employed by Trafigura to improve its image

toxic waste it exported from the West

as well as Asma Al-Assad, the wife of Syria's President Assad.

So, when Bell Pottinger throw a party,

you never know who might be on the guest list.

I'm here for the Bell Pottinger party. I am president of Syria.

My wife used to be a Bell Pottinger plant.

Look, I know this is the only party to be at tonight

and I am all about a one-party policy.

In my country, they let me in to every single party.

I'm normally down as "Devil," "Beelzebub,"

HE SNARLS ..Mammon!

I might be down as "Fuhrer: Glorious Leader of the Third Reich."

Look, is it a one-in, one-out policy,

because I'm happy to wait for the Goldman Sachs boys to leave OK?

Hey, buddy, could I be your plus-one, do you think? No way

I'll do whatever. Yes, I bet you will!

I don't want to be THAT GUY, but, bloody hell!

Having been snubbed by David Cameron earlier in the week,

James is back in London with his coalition partner, Barnaby

is find out what normal people around here

think of a tiny increase in MP's wages, OK? Don't care, Barney.

'concluded that MPs should have a ?7,000 pay rise,

'but without the public's support, it's unlikely to happen.

'to get back into the Prime Minister's good books,

'has convinced Barnaby to help him talk sense into the general public.'

Hello, sir, could we just chat to you about money?

Yeah, how much do you guys earn on a yearly basis? About 65.

You can't earn that kind of money around here.

Yeah, what about the NHS? Any pay increment?

Oh, yeah, well, what we're going to do is hopefully freeze their wages

so we can make sure we can get paid substantially more.

Why should MPs get a pay increase? Everyone else is suffering.

It's only one per cent for people who are unlucky enough

Well, I think it's absolutely horrific, to be honest with you

How's giving you extra money going to stop people from being greedy?

Well, I just think of it as me working 32 per cent harder

at being sorry for breaking all our promises.

Go and earn a living. If we could just be paid a bit more,

then we wouldn't have to take money from companies.

I don't want to be corruptible any more. Stop, get out of it!

None of us want to see a second expenses scandal, do we?

There's no way anyone should be paid more. You shouldn't be paid, even.

They work in the City. They make millions.

I'm a laughing stock when I go on holiday.

You didn't grow up on a council estate, did you?

Stop trying to tell people what to do.

Let us govern our own communities, and fuck off.

Look at all this, look at this prosperity.

Come on! Everyone's happy. Are you blind?!

Must be living like pigs. "Must be living like pigs?"

Well, I'm just saying... Do you know what, you are the biggest prick

I think I've ever spoke to in my life. So can I...

'Having failed to persuade the public that MPs deserve a pay rise,

'James and Barnaby are heading to the Houses of Parliament

'to begin phase two of their master plan.'

MUSIC: "Let's Stick Together" by Bryan Ferry

I want everyone in here to know that we're worth the money.

# And now the marriage vow Is very sacred

# Come on, come on Let's stick together

# You know we made a vow To leave one another never... #

Hi, I'm Claudia-Liza. Here's your Sunday night entertainment