Episode 6 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language.

God bless everyone for our 11% pay rise.

Yes, we've had to make tough choices this year, let me tell you.

And deciding to accept such a big pay rise was really

one of the hardest, especially when teachers and nurses were getting 1%.

Shut up, Barney. Listen, it's been bloody difficult to make ends meet

since you stopped us claiming for everything.

-You know, I even have to pay for my gardener now.

-Yes,

and by giving us this bit extra, it means we can pay our

rising energy bills this winter, so thank you, Britain, for this gift.

-And God bless us!

-Merry Christmas!

# Out of control!

# You got to get down!

# That's right, cos everything's

# Out of control

# I got your soul

# Out of control

# The soul, baby

# Out of control! #

Welcome to Inside The Story!

I am Dale Maily,

fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens.

Telling you the right way to think.

Britain used to be a country built on cricket,

real ale and good old family values.

But nowadays, there are more mosques than fish and chip shops

and lax immigration laws are to blame.

Take the good English residents of Notting Hill.

Once a year, they have to flee their homes

as an army of foreigners pour in to claim their streets.

Officially, it's called a carnival

but the truth is it's an invasion.

This is an unreported war, people,

and I'm heading to the front line.

Just seen a group of white people.

-Have you been threatened yet with sexual assault?

-No.

Why are you white and you still have dreadlocks?

-Are you French?

-Yes.

-Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, my God, a white woman is being assaulted! Oh, my God!

Just stop, stop! Are you all right, madam, are you all right?

She's fine. She's fine. You haven't been attacked or anything, have you?

-Why would that happen?

-Well, it's Carnival, it's all black people.

Ah, ah, ah! Interview over.

Everyone knows on Inside The Story

that Dale Maily is a modern, progressive man.

But some of these people are having interracial marriages,

that leads to socialist children like Barack Obama.

Is not about the colour or the gender,

whether you are gay, straight, whatever.

So it's about countries like Jamaica, Trinidad,

-all the countries of Africa?

-No...

To me, it just looks like, if I didn't have my iPhone,

that I was in central Mogadishu - there's black people everywhere.

-What have you got in here?

-I've got some drink in there.

-Did you steal this?

-No. We bought them.

-Where's the trolley from?

-The trolley is from Tesco.

-Did you steal that?

-No, Tesco offered to lend it to me.

-Fantastic.

You need to loosen up. You're too stiff. Have some fun.

Have a reefer, have something to go for you, man.

Everybody should come to Carnival and enjoy themselves!

-Not just black people?

-No, all welcome right here at Carnival.

But not the Muslims?

In an attempt to find out what these people want from us,

I've made the brave decision to go undercover

by pretending that I'm happy to be here.

Wish me luck, Rastafari man!

MUSIC: "Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red

-Tell me about this food we've got here.

-Jamaican rice and peas.

-So real African food?

-Real African food.

I'm going to risk my life and eat some of this food.

Well, it's not English, but I tell you what, is not half bad.

I got to say, Dale Maily has never really been one for the exotic

tastes, but these girls really are fantastic, aren't they?

Absolutely lovely.

The longer I'm here, I realise that Carnival

is about colourful personalities, vibrant people.

It's a bit like the Million Man March, but in a good way.

I kind of like it.

Lovely! Black people everywhere.

Black people everywhere, it's absolutely great!

What an incredible bottom! Absolutely incredible.

Covered in paint,

I've got a massive erection.

Dale Maily. Unbelievable scenes of daggering here.

God, I love Carnival!

Yes! Yes!

HMRC has had some tricky times recently.

It was publicly lambasted for agreeing a deal with Vodafone

which critics claimed resulted in the company being let off

a tax bill worth billions of pounds.

It has also been accused of being too slow or toothless in the pursuit

of other big businesses which employ sophisticated tax avoidance schemes.

Google, Starbucks and Walkers are among the host of organisations

who might want to say a nice big thank you to the revenue.

# A-E-I-O-U, U I sometimes cry... #

This is the thank-you cake.

-Phew!

-It's just the, er...

-I think this is all for HMRC.

-Flowers as well.

-Yeah, it is just thank-you notes.

-This is the cake from Starbucks.

This is the champagne from Amazon.

It says "Thanks for helping us deliver massive profits to our shareholders."

-This one's from Vodafone.

-Yes.

It says, "Thank you HMRC for not putting us through the RINGER."

-Starbucks gave them a cake.

-This must be the sing-o-gram from Google.

-It's the barbershop quartet.

-Oh, the barbershop quartet.

-# We're

-We're

-We're

# Here to sing a thank you to HMRC... #

That's lovely.

# We're making lots of money at our company

# We really love the fact that your rules are so lax

# And

# We're grateful for you letting us pay so little tax

# We're grateful for you letting us pay so little tax. #

Welcome to Life In The City.

The animal kingdom is full of exotic creatures

but the most mysterious species, without a doubt,

is that of the hipster.

And, to examine their strange behaviour,

I've come to their natural habitat.

East London.

I spotted a hipster here who is wearing almost pure tweed,

ironically, of course. He's carrying a camera which is incredibly retro.

Here we have a hipster in retro hot pants and she's got tattoos

on her elbows, which is what's known as getting work done.

Which, ironically, is something she doesn't have a concept of at all.

Here we go.

As you can see, this hipster here has just thrown on

a completely random selection of garments in the desperate, vague hope

that, at one unspecified point in the future, it may end up being cool.

Almost all hipsters are 25 or under.

Even when they're 40.

This hipster is actually wearing a pair of Reebok Classics.

Now, he's not from an estate, and he's not a chav,

but he does this out of a sense of irony.

If you ever want to ruin a dinner party

with a complex geopolitical discussion,

bring up the Israeli-Palestine conflict.

It's guaranteed to cause an argument,

especially if you're at a Bar Mitzvah.

A report commissioned by the UN said that Israeli

construction of settlements into the West Bank

is a violation of the Fourth Geneva Convention.

You've got to wonder just when will this expansion end?

Hello, mate. Is this your shop?

I'm sure you're aware the Israeli embassy is extending.

This is where you are here and the Israeli embassy is going to extend

actually the whole way over there so they can have a conservatory.

-I don't think so.

-We'll have to take down this wall here.

-Before it was your land, it was our land.

-Yeah.

So are really going to take what is rightfully ours.

-Thanks looking after it, though. Appreciate it.

-Yeah. Yeah.

This is going to be one part of the extension of the Israeli embassy,

-just down the road.

-Have they got planning for this?

Well, we don't really need planning.

We've got a very, very old planning book, about 2,000 years old.

Without putting too fine a point on it,

-they're going to bulldoze your land.

-OK...

Can I have a letter, something official?

We generally go with the bulldozers first and letters later.

You see all those olives you've got in the deli display there,

-they're ours as well.

-It's not like taking someone's land is a big deal.

We've been doing it for years. I mean... What's the problem?

You mean to tell me this is the proposed...

I don't see what you are talking about, "proposed".

This is our land as given to us by the Almighty.

I'm finding that smile a bit anti-Semitic, mate.

So I think you should wipe it off your face.

-So I think if they want it here...

-Who's organised this?

Well, it's the Israeli embassy, basically, mate.

-What we are doing is we are sort of...

-The embassy?

-This may not be Israeli land, but...

-Can I ask you to step across there, please.

Actually, all the way up to here.

I just think you're being a bit anti-Semitic.

It's only a conservatory, and I mean,

at the end of the day, all we're trying to do is build a wall

around here to make sure that our conservatory can come out.

It's going to look really nice.

This adult male has created a completely pointless contraption

which he's probably spend days or even weeks making.

It's incredibly impractical and completely pointless.

He has got one bike stacked on top of the other in a bizarre,

surrealist sense of obscurity.

If you just look over there, one of them

is actually wearing glasses with no prescription. He's now dancing.

in an animal display to attract his future mate.

What I've done here,

is I have left a piece of completely irresistible bait to a hipster.

Very soon, they're going to start flocking around

and they are going to assume it's actually something meaningful.

And this hipster actually thinks this is art.

Quite incredible. He's currently taking photos.

Which he's later going to Instagram.

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first coalition government

since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

Three years into the coalition,

and we are following two of its lesser-known MPs.

Conservative James Twottington-Burbage

and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton, as they begin

to feel the strain of this political union's uncertain future.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Education Secretary Michael Gove is drawing up controversial plans

to change the National Curriculum.

Many teachers feel his proposals are unrealistic

and are making their feelings known on the streets of London.

Never ones to shy away from a challenge,

James and Barnaby have decided to tackle this problem head-on.

What Michael Gove's really trying to get across

is a policy that is called "Do As You're Told."

And, really, what we're trying to get across to inner-city kids is,

"Do as you're told, you disgusting plebs."

You're destroying the education system.

No, madam. We're just teaching people their place!

Of course I've been to a state school.

I walked round there a couple of times and I came out

and I wasn't ill once.

Why are you hanging around with all these anarchist socialists?

Because I am a socialist.

We're mostly OK with the changes!

We're mostly OK with the changes!

Gove must go!

-Poor children...

-Yeah?

..should learn that they're not as important as rich children.

I know that's what your government are trying to convince us.

Gove must go!

You're just not doing as you're told.

The country needs me more than it needs you.

The country needs US more than it needs you.

Listen, Barney, this is just mutiny. It's bloody mutiny.

I'll have to get the water cannons out or something.

Back off! Carry on, on your way, on your way.

Seriously, on your way.

Here's some news that might make you cough and splutter.

More than 200,000 children take up smoking every year.

That's 567 per day.

Cigarettes are still branded as a cool

and stylish lifestyle choice but recent studies appear to show

that taking away stylish branding

and replacing the packet with a plain design

actually discourages people from smoking.

Surely any measure which might prevent children

from becoming smokers is worth taking a chance on?

But with the government recently shelving plans

to introduce this type of plain packaging,

should be asked whether they really care

if the nation's youth goes up in smoke?

-Sir, would you like to try a Minister?

-I'd love one.

They're a new brand of cigarette.

We are launching these cigarettes to celebrate the fact

that we are now allowed to have our logos on packets.

-You know the whole plain packaging thing?

-Oh, yeah?

-Didn't go through.

Phew!

Very much like actual Ministers, they're very weak.

And you can buy them with some loose change in your pocket.

Everyone likes to suck on a Minister.

Very good for your health, helps you relax after a hard day in power.

It does have hints of menthol. These are ones we promote to children.

It keep their breath nice and fresh.

I mean, actually like real Ministers,

they do leave a weird, corrupt stench in the air.

MAN LAUGHS

Shall we have them around here, or...?

I'll go find him.

We're just setting up the smoking lounge.

It's one of Jeremy Hunt's things.

As a further concession to smoking companies,

he decided to set up a smoking lounge

actually in the lobby of the Department of Health.

Obviously, the whole plain packaging was pretty good for us

and we're just launching these new cigarettes called Ministers.

They are incredibly delicious and they smell of privilege

and sort of undemocratic power.

They'll go back to the Lords in a bit when they're tired. Thanks a lot.

Ed Balls.

Thanks.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

We must start planning now for what will be a difficult

and tough inheritance in 2015.

We will need an iron discipline and a relentless focus on our priorities.

We can't write our first budget today two years ahead.

We don't know the economic circumstances two years ahead,

let alone two years ahead.

The Chancellor now says any growth is better than no growth at all.

Of course that's true. These are challenging times.

The last Labour government didn't spend

every pound of public money well.

If, as we hope, some kind of recovery takes hold,

then the balance of advantage will shift.

-What the...?

-BBC...

-OMG...

-WT...

-F.

OMG, I'm Sam Smith, I'm here with Haim. What's up?

CHEERING

-How are you doing, boys?

-Really well.

-A bit wet, damp.

Damp, dark and moist.

-How is Reading?

-Amazing.

-Is it red?

It's pretty rad.

-How are you finding England?

-Oh, we found it OK. We're here.

Right-wing, conservative, Christian groups.

-So scary, no!

-I love the weather...

What is coming up this year that you want to tell your fans about?

Christmas.

But, seriously, should we ban abortion?

Do think we should intervene in Syria?

But, seriously, what would you do about the ice caps melting?

Should be stop drone warfare in Pakistan and the Yemen?

HE SIGHS

Melting?

French-based company ATOS is paid millions of pounds

by the Department of Work & Pensions to assess

whether or not people claiming to be sick or disabled

should receive benefits or just go back to work.

Unfortunately, it appears they declared some people

fit for employment when they're anything but.

Unless ATOS have magical healing powers, that is.

# I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield

# Down by the riverside

-# I'm gonna study war no more

-War no more

# I ain't going to study war no more

# Gonna study war no more

# I ain't gonna study war no more. #

Oh, hello, sir.

Just letting DWP employees know about the courses we're running

next week at lunchtime in the foyer.

The faith-healing courses next week.

-Would you like to sign up?

-Faith-healing course?

-Yes.

ATOS'S speciality is obviously getting people back to work,

so we're teaching people how to channel the light of the Lord

to cure disabilities.

-Do you feel the light of the Lord in your chest and your soul?

-Er...

Do you think you'd be able to use yourself as a vessel

-to cure laziness and disability?

-Er, yeah, might be able to.

If we could just channel the power of the Lord to cure disability,

then we wouldn't have so many burdens on state.

There are no wheelchair ramps in heaven - that's what we say.

# I ain't going to study war no more... #

How are you today, my flock? I am the ATOS faith healer.

-I've been sent down from ATOS today.

-I don't want to know.

They're full of shite, ATOS.

Are you aware of our spiritual leader, Iain Duncan Smith?

ATOS kill people.

ATOS did not kill people, sir, they send them back to work.

What is worst - dying or being a scrounger on the state?

I don't give a toss about ATOS.

That's blasphemy, my child,

and all I can say is ATOS works in mysterious ways.

Earlier, James and Barnaby try to win over the scores of teachers

who feel let down by Michael Gove's education reforms.

Undeterred and still convinced they can win their doubters over,

our coalition double act are taking to the stage

at a teachers' conference.

Thanks for coming. I'd just like to start off by saying to everyone...

sorry.

Just get off, Barney, get off.

Teachers, liberals, anarchists, commoners, whatever you are,

leave Michael Gove to do what he needs to do.

The man went to a good private school,

none of this state crap, and he understands

the fundamental principle that I learnt at a very young age.

Teachers aren't to be trusted.

And that may sound a little incendiary, but I think the more

you listen to James, the more you'll realise he's quite right.

There's no way Michael Gove's leaving.

Thank you and good night.

BOOING

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

It was recently alleged that America's National Security Agency

had developed controversial methods of accessing private e-mails

and other communications.

But, according to reports,

the British government's communication headquarters,

the UK equivalent of the NSA, had also been able to get in

on the snooping act with the NSA providing them

with the means to gawk at all sorts of private communications

made by the public on Google, Facebook,

Microsoft, Apple, Yahoo and Skype, among others.

Like Big Brother, GCHQ is probably watching you.

MUSIC: "Big Brother" theme

Football is a funny old game, but it's a wealthy one, too.

Clubs such as Reading, Wigan and Swansea are used

to dealing in megabucks,

shelling out massive salaries to their players.

Unfortunately, they don't always feel the need to spend megabucks

on their interns and have been accused of unfair

and exploitative practices, after placing adverts to recruit highly

qualified youngsters to work for up to an entire season without a wage.

We're basically here today to talk to people about opportunities

to actually work in Wigan Football Club.

Have you ever thought about working for the club or...?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

-Great, and I take it you've got degrees?

-Perfect.

We're looking for people just like you to come

-and work unpaid for a year in Wigan.

-Unpaid?!

-Full-time?

-Full-time, unpaid.

You want me to work for a football club for six months for nothing?!

It's like fantasy football but with a fantasy pay cheque.

Although you won't make any money yourselves,

you will be hanging around with people that do make a lot.

People say that money's ruined football,

and you guys could be part of the solution to that.

So it's really good opportunity

to work for one of the biggest businesses in Wigan.

-But anyone has to have a BA.

-BA and Masters students.

We don't take any old slaves... er, interns, you know.

So what you'll be doing is stuff like cleaning boots,

making cups of tea,

doing a lot of photocopying that's unnecessary, answering e-mails

and probably not getting much love from anyone at the place.

It's a dubious amount of experience, frankly, and you might end up

on the scrapheap, but you never know, you could get a paid job.

-How do we survive?

-Well...

-How do you what?

-Survive.

Family members, maybe they could, you know, foot the bill for you,

and in return, we'd give you lots of experience in making tea and stuff.

There's a lot you can learn from a millionaire

by cleaning out his toilet.

We had to pay 39 million last year just in wages

and we still got relegated.

So, I mean, we got to find a way to make the club work at the same time.

And you could be a part of that solution.

Being a fan, what's more important than that?

My mortgage.

My name is Wayne Danger.

I'm Wayne Danger and I can't get enough of fit birds.

And I love them even more when they've got there baps out.

But a few nagging Dorises are trying to get my favourite wank mags banned,

claiming that they turn women into dehumanised sex objects,

which leads to violence against women?!

All right, mate. Are you down here for the gash or the protest?

Ha-ha, no, here for the protest.

Can you give any tips for Whey TV on how to pull lezzers?

-Any special lines or...?

-Lezzers?!

-I'm as much of a feminist as anyone.

I watch feminist porn all day long on the internet.

Like, rug-munchers?

-Er, no, I couldn't give any tips.

-Right.

-You're not gay, are you?

-Er, no, I'm not gay.

We need something to wank over, so who are you -

not being funny, love, like - but to take that right away from us?

You don't have a right to wank over anyone!

You're entitled to your opinion,

but asking her if she's a lesbian because of that...!

-Listen, Doris...

-Doris! My name is Aoife, actually.

Maybe it's your time of the month or something, and you're getting upset...

I'm just going to do a quick,

multiple-choice question to check if you're gay.

-All right, cool.

-Question one...

-Right.

-Are you gay?

-No.

-Ah, good.

-What does it have anything to do with?!

-Well...

-This conversation?

-I thought maybe I could get your digits.

-You're like...

Go out for a drink, you know? Take you out.

I'm a new-age man, babe, I'll treat you well. Lesson one.

How to pull a rug-muncher. Here we go. Wetherspoons, Spritzer, now.

Now, there are a couple more announcements of Chinese investment

in Britain today, as the Chancellor of the Exchequer

continued his trade mission there.

Britain is open to investment,

and China is no longer just a kind of low-cost manufacturing centre.

It's also pioneering the tech and the science

-and the medicines of the future.

-What about the nuclear industry?

Well, I've signed here what's called a memorandum of understanding

with the Chinese government.

In other words, it's a kind of umbrella agreement.

There are many countries in the world who wouldn't want

other countries involved in their civil nuclear programme.

I do, because, by the way, I'd rather British taxpayers

were spending their money on our schools and hospitals...

You know, everything I've done has not been about

whether it plays well in the focus group

or the opinion poll the next day.

It's been about what is right for this country,

because ultimately, you know,

good politics follows good economics.

-Chancellor, thanks very much.

-Thank you.

As a Liberal Democrat, the past three years of the coalition

have been extremely challenging for Barnaby.

His working relationship with James is a difficult one.

Don't care, Barney. Shut up, Barney.

And having been booed by a roomful of teachers earlier today,

the Liberal Democrat is reaching the end of his tether.

That's why he's decided to reach out to fellow Lib Dem

and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg,

as he's also been having a tough time of it.

Nick, I've just got these antidepressants for you.

I thought they might help. They helped me a lot.

You just pop a few in the mouth and then you swallow

and then you feel amazing for at least half a day.

Please don't take him away. He's not a danger to anyone but himself.

He can get through it. Please, leave him alone!

He just wanted the best for the country!

Despite sales in the billions,

Starbucks say they haven't made any profit in the UK for years.

And having made no profit means they pay no corporation tax.

Cynics claim this was made possible by channelling cash

to their operations in low-tax regions

such as Switzerland and Holland.

But, after the recent controversy surrounding their tax structures,

the coffee moguls generously donated over £5 million to the taxman

in June with a further £15 million to come over the next 18 months.

Having failed to make any profit,

perhaps Starbucks need a hand raising some extra cash.

Hello, Givebucks, Givebucks.

Hello, madam, were just collecting for Givebucks today.

-I have a real issue with Starbucks.

-Why?

-Why?

-It's because they don't pay their bloody tax.

-What do you mean?

But they're a non-profit organisation.

You know, if you buy a latte, you can help them for a day.

If you give money every day, you can help Starbucks for a lifetime.

Some money for Givebucks?

-I'm obviously not going to give Starbucks any money.

-Why not?

Because I own a place down there, so...

-Are you a competitor with Starbucks?

-Exactly.

-But you're profit-making.

We don't make profit. Why are you trying to put us out of business?

-Yeah, just cos you pay your tax.

-Yeah.

-Not everyone has to.

You're like a fat cat. You're like taking home the money.

We're not about the profit.

A lot of people don't really realise that Starbucks

is hanging from a thread right now.

You are a business.

-We're a good cause organisation now.

-Coffee's an endangered species.

We are so generous.

We recently donated £5 million to the British government,

-I don't know if you knew.

-Yeah.

-Just out of the goodness of our heart.

-Just because we felt like it.

You should be paying taxes and you're not.

-Well, we don't pay taxes, cos we're a non-profit.

-Obviously.

Who's heard of a couple of low-level international politicians

named Bush and Blair?

If you haven't, they were the guys

that adopted the controversial international policy

known as the Iraq War, which killed an estimated 100,000 civilians.

So, understandably, quite a few people would like to see them tried

for war crimes in the International Criminal Court behind me.

That's where individuals are prosecuted for genocide,

crimes against humanity and war crimes.

The only problem is, you've got to find them first.

-Have you seen these guys?

-Is it not George Bush?

-It is, yeah.

-OK.

That's Tony Blair.

If you want to trap this guy, you can do it with a £100,000 speech.

They could share a cell together for ever.

Pray together, share their Colgate.

Think we should have a reward?

Just to make absolutely sure everyone knows

that we're looking for Bush and Blair...

I've covered the toilet.

-There's a sort of price on their head.

-Really? Who's offering?

Well, I'll put in £10.

-Have you been associating with these men, sir?

-Not at all.

Do you know them? Be honest. Do you know where they live?

It's just not possible.

Well, what we're doing is we're hunting for George Bush

-and Tony Blair.

-You really cannot do that now. You really need to...

-Have you seen them?

-Can you please put this down?

We can't, because if we take them down,

then no-one will be able to know that they're wanted.

I mean, they've committed some pretty serious crimes.

He coined the term Cool Britannia.

Let us know if you see them, yeah? 0800 CatchA-War-Criminal.

Would you come along to help with the manhunt?

The manhunt can't continue unless we put up the posters.

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# You like to move it

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# You like to move it... #

All girls all over the world

Original Mad Stuntman 'pon your case, man

I love how all girls...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd