Episode 5 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains very strong language.

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first coalition

government since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

Three years into the coalition, and we're following two of its

lesser-known MPs, Conservative James Twattington-Burbage

and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton

as they begin to feel the strain of this political union's uncertain future.

-Hello.

-Hello.

In 2014, a referendum is to be held on whether or not Scotland

is to become an independent state.

The Coalition believe that unity is a better option,

stating Scotland is economically stronger as part of the UK.

Today, James and Barnaby have gone north of the border

to see if they can convince the locals to stick with England.

We're here from Westminster to talk to people about Scottish independence.

Definitely gonna vote yes.

-Do you consider yourself part of the Tartan Army?

-No.

Scotland right now is a very important part of a post-colonial

empire and what you don't want to do is fade off into insignificance.

-No.

-And become a sort of small bit on the end of a better country.

We're one of the few countries the Romans couldn't conquer. They've done a good job with you guys.

-Yeah.

-I'm for it.

If it came to a fight between you guys and the SAS, I think

the British would probably kick the shit of you.

Sometimes as a Lib Dem, I understand what it's like to play second fiddle,

but just the way it is sometimes and you have to lump it or leave it.

We do want to keep all of you in the Union,

because you guys really understand fiscal austerity,

especially when it comes to getting a bloody round in.

-I'm definitely split down the middle.

-And why's that, sir?

-The information isn't really there, man.

-Do you know how to read?

If you actually leave Britain, you're just gonna become

the new Mexico and you're gonna be flooding over the border

to work in my garden, is that what you really want?

I just think that England needs Scotland more than Scotland

needs England. I don't know.

If you do stay as part of Britain, you're very welcome to come down

to England and sleep on doorways any time you like.

If it doesn't work and we get sick of it,

what we'll do is just bloody invade you and then independence

will be as worthless as a fucking Scottish tenner.

If you're looking for a gay-friendly holiday destination,

you might want to take Russia off the list.

Their parliament recently passed a bill banning so-called

homosexual propaganda and campaigners have said this

has sparked a wave of homophobic attacks.

Meanwhile, Russia's president Vladimir Putin seems to be doing

all he can to become a new gay icon.

MUSIC: "Children Of The Revolution" by T-Rex

So... got the painting.

I mean, there's another one of Putin wrestling a bear,

Putin...

-Have to hang it in the hallway, apparently.

-Yeah?

I mean, I'm supposed to deliver it and hang it up.

I was told to deliver it and hang it up in the lobby or,

or in the closet maybe.

The Home Office campaign, a pilot lasting one week,

was launched last month in six London boroughs

with large ethnic populations.

"In the UK illegally?" the van said.

"Go home or face arrest."

MUSIC: "One Vision" by Queen

One rule.

One speech.

One nation.

One dream.

One deal.

One comprehensive school education.

One smile, one stage, one immigration.

One size, one state.

Our elderly population.

One nation. One nation. One nation.

One nation, one nation!

I didn't hear you. One nation. One nation.

One nation!

No cuts.

No casino operation.

No NHS top-down reorganisation.

One life.

One nation.

In a new gold standard qualification.

One change, one pay. One determination.

One care. One day. One corporation.

And look, let me say to you, I want to be quite clear about this.

But I've just got to be very clear about this.

One faith. One time. One faith.

One change, one place, one pledge, one life.

We will, we will build two nations, not one.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to BBCOMGWTF and I'm in Venice for the film festival.

We are here for the world premiere of Gravity,

George Clooney's new movie.

George - Zam Smith, BBCOMGWTF, can I just say your hair

-is amazing, really.

-Thank you.

Just thinking, though, when you were making the film,

were you just ever thinking, are we alone in the universe?

HE LAUGHS No.

So you weren't in space being like, "It's huge out there and there just might be something"?

I would love to see the light in your box.

Oh, really? Oh, dear.

I'm truly sorry we have to finish here, everyone. Thank you for having us.

Well, that was just a bit awks, wasn't it?

Turns out Clooney's just a bit of a bitch and that's an exclusive!

Some of us are better at quizzes than others.

But if the wrong answers meant you couldn't stay in the country

you'd make sure you'd done your homework.

the new life in the UK test, which foreign nationals must now pass

if they want British citizenship,

focuses less on the practicalities of day-to-day living

and more on Admiral Nelson and other historical and cultural figures.

Subjects all native British people know to the answers to.

We're establishing people's Britishness today.

There's been some problems with illegals in the area.

-Well, do I look illegal?

-Well, we don't know that, madam.

Would you describe yourself as white British?

No, black British.

Who is the patron saint of Scotland?

I don't know.

Which landmark is the prehistoric monument which still stands in the English countryside of Wiltshire?

I've never been to Wiltshire.

-The bad news is that you've failed the test.

-Yeah, I know.

And the good news is you've won two free tickets back to Iran.

You haven't scored above the 75 percent pass rate,

so you have actually failed.

I don't think every British person knows about who the monarch can marry.

That is exactly what every British person should know.

That is a hoot and that is a lie.

-You're not actually British in the eyes of the law.

-That's not right.

I was born in this country, I've got a British passport.

You've failed.

-How do you feel about that?

-Couldn't care a toss.

The government knows shit. They don't know what the common man wants.

Government doesn't know what I want. Haven't got a bloody clue.

This has been through four government departments,

74,000 special advisers.

That really worries me, that does.

Well, I'm happy to inform you, sir, that you are actually British.

-Huh?

-You must like tea, beer, chips and beating people up, is that right?

-Yes.

-Right, there you go.

Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana narrowly escaped jail recently

when their massive tax evasion was brought to light.

They claimed to have done nothing wrong, but a judge ruled that

they'd sold their brands to a Luxembourg-based holding company

in 2004 to avoid paying tax on around 1 billion euros' worth of income.

Who knew this kind of penny-pinching was so fashionable right now?

MUSIC: "Controversy" by Prince

What we'd like to do is actually put it in the window initially

and just get some shots.

And we want to get your opinion of the sort of styling, you know.

Do you think avoid is better than avoidance?

It's not just gonna be sort of autumn, winter next year, it's spring summer.

Avoidance is for all year round.

-But evasion is last season.

-Yeah, exactly.

In fact, next season we're thinking of going for incarceration.

It's Saturday night, I'm Wayne Danger. I'm in Romford.

I'm gonna talk to people about booze.

I love booze and I love cheap booze even more.

Lucky me, it's gonna stay that way,

despite the fact that experts claim the cost of alcohol to the NHS

exceeds £3 billion per year,

the geezers in Westminster have decided to ignore doctors completely,

who say that there should be a minimum pricing on a unit of alcohol.

What absolute fucking legends!

Hey!

-Who's had shots tonight?

-Hey!

-Who's had pints tonight?

-Hey!

Whey, TV!

-Who's had a pint?

-Me.

-Yeah!

Two bottles of wine.

-Four Jagerbombs.

-How many?

-107!

I've had about four and you're gonna suck my fucking bum cheeks.

What do you say to politicians that say we can't drink responsibly?

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

You know what I mean!

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

Drink till we die, drink till we die.

Is the best thing about getting pissed that you can bang whoever

you want and you don't really remember the next day?

-Yeah, whether it's a bloke or a woman.

-Yeah.

He looks like a woman to me at the minute.

La la.

-So what you doing?

-Fucking home.

What you gonna fucking do when you go fucking home?

Have a wank.

If you want a seat in the House of Lords as well as contributing

to public service, business or even sport and actively supporting

your political party, it certainly doesn't appear to do you any harm

to have donated money to them too.

All three main parties have recently made some of their major donors

Lords, including Sir Anthony Bamford who's donated hundreds of thousands of pounds to the Conservative Party.

Sir William Haughey who's given more than £1 million to the Labour Party

since 2003, and Rumi Verjee, who has donated £770,000 to the Liberal Democrats since 2010.

-Donation box.

-Who's that going to?

The Labour Party. Apparently.

Sorry?

Well, it's part of their 1999 pay as you go peerages scheme.

So they don't want to put peer pressure on people,

they want to leave it here.

It's part of the pay as you go peerages scheme, you know.

No peer pressure or anything.

It's not a guaranteed thing, but if you do donate,

I can potentially maybe suggest that one day

you might be able to be a peer.

Can't guarantee you a lordship,

but fingers crossed, you might be a Lord one day.

Got the donation box for the Lib Dem HQ.

'Second floor.'

Hi, guys, do you know where I'm supposed to put the donation box?

Part of the peering into your wallet scheme that they're doing.

You can pop it, you can pop it in this corner here.

It's for people who can't afford a sort of retirement home

for their grandparents so instead they can donate 50 grand

and then stick them on the back bench and they can fall asleep, you know.

So they've just asked us to leave it here in reception.

Apparently it's then easier for peers to come in

and leave money in there if they want to get a peerage later on.

Our economy may be turning the corner and of course

that's great, but we still haven't finished paying

for Labour's debt crisis.

I want to thank the people who've done the most to get us this far.

You, the British people - working those extra hours,

coping with those necessary cuts.

We in this party, we don't dream of deficits and decimal points

and dry fiscal plans, our dreams are about helping people

to get on in life.

You know that old saying, "your home is your castle"?

Well, for most young people today, their home is their landlord's.

We are in a global race today.

No-one owes us a living.

When the world wanted rights, who wrote Magna Carta?

When they wanted representation, who built the first Parliament?

When they searched for equality, who gave women the vote?

It is this party that is for the many, not the few.

Yes, the land of despair was Labour, but the land of hope is Tory.

APPLAUSE

Got this for Tory HQ.

Part of the whole Lordship donation thing.

I mean, obviously we can't be seen to give them peerages

for the donation box.

They're just for Lords that might want to put some cash in.

If they want to do it anonymously, they can just go like this.

-Shall I leave it here?

-That's perfect.

-OK, next to the shredding machine.

-Absolutely.

-That's useful, isn't it?

-That's lovely.

Been a troll hunter for, well, three or four millennia.

-Have you heard about the troll problem?

-No.

A lot of people are using Twitter and getting trolled the shit out of.

Trolls used to be big, huge, scary things, but now they're just

angry bloggers abusing each other on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

Do you spend a lot of time under bridges or in small caves?

Cos you do look like a troll.

No, no, no, no, I just woke up mate, I just woke up,

this is what I look like...

And why's that? Have you woke up because you're living under a bridge?

I got my own house, mate.

Do you live in a cave or in a bedsit in Preston?

Have you ever harboured any thoughts about telling

a disabled child to fuck off?

-I don't Tweet.

-I'm gonna follow her.

Yeah, you follow her.

If you follow a troll they will be able to DM you

and by DM you I mean go inside and direct message the shit out of you.

It's not your fault, OK,

this is just a routine troll inspection, all right?

-There's nothing to be scared of.

-I'm not scared.

-Don't be scared.

-Why should I be scared?

We find a lot of trolls leaving abuse on Twitter,

-but Twitter don't have the manpower to catch them all.

-That's where we come in.

We were supposed to come for our interview.

Problem was, you guys weren't able to deal with your troll problem properly.

It was gonna be that maybe Stephen Fry or Caitlin Moran was going to

start looking at every Tweet, but we recommended that it might be

a good idea just to look at middle class boys in Preston.

You know, we're just independent troll hunters

-and I don't really see what the big deal is.

-I understand.

-But these are my clients and I have to respect their wishes so if you could just...

-Yeah.

-What's the deal?

-They're saying the perks are pretty good in parking.

I'm thinking of switching roles.

The BBC has gained a reputation recently for hiring some

rather unsavoury characters, most notoriously Jimmy Savile

and Stewart Hall and a few others have come under investigation too.

With a track record this bad,

it kinda makes you wonder what their vetting process is.

Prince Harry, if he was a...

he was a character in a movie, he would be like...

Iron Man. You know.

So, you know, here's a dude, he's in Iron Man...

he's, he's a party guy, he's a technology guy,

he comes from royalty, but he's a real person.

So that, the similarities between Iron Man and Prince Harry are... are similar.

England are playing Scotland at football,

so James and Barnaby are heading to Wembley where they hope to win over some of the opposition fans

by persuading them that independence is the wrong call.

Scotland!

No, we're just talking to people about independence.

Yes, get in there!

Hello, lovely skirts you chaps are wearing today.

I was wondering if we could have a moment.

SNP all the way boys, SNP!

I don't understand a word you're saying, but if you could give me a second of your time.

Cos you're not literate, that's why.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, no, I want England to be independent.

I'm supporting your independence!

-Right. I see what you're doing there.

-That is very good of you.

-What the fuck are yous two up to?

-I'm James Twattington-Burbage.

-Come see these two wankers.

-We're just talking to people.

Margaret Thatcher destroyed the Scottish fucking population.

Careful about Maggie, OK, she's my mate.

She's a good friend of mine.

England and Scotland, it's a bit like Batman and Robin. Do you want to just split up Batman and Robin?

Scotland's oil is just England's oil.

-Exactly, yes.

-Well, absolutely.

-Just like your Highlands, actually.

-And your tennis players.

-Yes.

James actually owns quite a lot of land up in your Highlands.

-Yes.

-Well, do you want to come up to Scotland then?

See the amount of people unemployed. All you only give a fuck about is England.

-That's true, we do.

-And you wonder why we're voting independence?

Can you explain to me why there is more fucking pandas in Edinburgh Zoo

than there is yous cunts in Scotland?

You are destroying the United Kingdom.

Are you for or against independence?

Definitely all for.

Oh, dear, are you drunk or confused?

No, we're intelligent and we want the country to be developed and be a better place in the future.

-We've got oil, so yous are fucked, basically.

-We would have to take that back.

We've just come here to talk about Scottish independence...

Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker.

-How dare you rip that off my chest!

-That was very, very naughty.

-Do you know how much I love the Liberal Democrats?

-That was very, very rude.

I've dedicated 12 years to the Liberal Democrats. And that makes me upset.

I'm on anti-depressants, OK, so I don't need you to push me any further to the edge.

It's not worth it. Barney, Barney, it's just not worth it. OK?

(CHANTS) Yeah, yeah, who the fucking, who the fucking,

who the fucking hell are you?

Who the fucking hell are you?

"No work today".

That could be the new McDonald's motto.

They employ 90 percent of their staff on zero hours contracts,

so guaranteed working hours are about as rare as finding a pizza on the menu.

They are by no means the only organisation adopting this approach,

with Sports Direct, Burger King and even Buckingham Palace

also using zero hours contracts to varying degrees.

Perhaps if the McDonald's executives were on zero hours contracts

themselves, the company would learn that it can't have its McCake

and eat it.

We are here to install the happy wheel for the McDonald's employees,

you know, the whole zero hours contract thing.

We can't promise anyone guaranteed working hours any more,

so it's a lucky spin to see what you get.

Hello, sir, do you know about the new happy wheel?

What they're doing is the whole zero hours contract thing

at McDonald's, they're rolling it out to the executives now.

You know, you keep your head down as a zero hours manager and maybe

in six months you might get promoted to a zero hours executive.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Would you like to spin it? Where will you go to?

-Oh, oh, dear, four hours.

-That's bad, is it?

-Four hours next week, unfortunately.

-Oh, OK.

-Want to give it a spin?

-I'm OK, thank you.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

-OK, if you run out of work,

they're giving shifts with every Happy Meal in Oxford Street.

Give it a spin.

Oh, four hours, unlucky.

Hopefully you won't be on zero.

Want to see where you land? Oh, zero.

Zero hours next week, mate.

-Obviously that's only four hours.

-Great.

So that's tough. Because as an exec, you could be a zero hours manager.

But you get your head down,

six months later, you could be a zero hours exec, you never know.

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm Dale Maily, fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid

to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think.

Some left wing charlatans claim that our modern way of life

is leading to global warming and an unsustainable planet.

They argue that we need to live off the land and do more recycling.

In order to see what the future might look like,

I've gone to an eco village in South Wales where the inhabitants

claim to be living sustainably.

So if you just follow me this way,

I'm gonna take you into one of these Hobbit houses.

And they're made of grass and wood and shit

and actually look like something out of the Lord of the Rings.

So I'm gonna come in to what I can only describe as a...

almost just one step away from an Ewok village.

-Science has proven...

-That global warming isn't happening.

-That...

Global warming is real.

-Earth changes are coming.

-Yeah.

The thing about mainstream society is it's not sustainable.

-And that kills...

-I listen to scientists too.

-Listen to the science, it kills...

-Do you know about Dr Jeremy Clarkson?

-Listen.

What planet are you seriously living on?

-A lot of what you're saying...

-Homogenisation, just wait a moment...

-..Is basically rubbish.

If you just come over here, toilets just left unplumbed in,

it's really, it really stinks in here.

I've actually discovered another one of the hippy gardens.

Just come with me, you can see some strange plants,

probably a lot of marijuana and LSD being grown here.

So this is a polytunnel, that's marigold.

This is all obviously legal, isn't it?

So why did you suddenly say, look, I've got a degree,

I've studied architecture, I'm going to drop out of society?

-It's more like, I've got a degree...

-Drugs, right?

This wooden monstrosity is called a hippy shit filler.

In all my years of journalism,

I've never seen anything like this.

These hippies are collecting their own shit

and putting it on their food.

This is Dale Maily. Getting inside the story.

Fracking, or hydraulic fracturing, is a process of

hydraulic drilling deep underground for gas, carried out by

companies like Cuadrilla.

Unfortunately, critics claim it's a fracking bad idea, arguing

that the procedure can cause earthquakes, such as the ones

recently felt in Blackpool.

It sounds like fracking fits in perfectly with Blackpool's

other thrill-a-minute rides.

Have you heard about the Fracker?

It's a new ride coming to Blackpool.

It's literally the scariest ride in Blackpool.

It's by a company called Cuadrilla.

-You know the earthquakes in Blackpool a while ago?

-Yeah.

Well, the company that caused those has actually turned that

into an entire ride. It's a little like a ghost ride,

but it does literally send you into hell.

It's much, much worse than the Oil Spiller or the Coal Mine Collapser.

-Oh, right.

-You get your picture taken afterwards,

as long as they can see through the fumes.

So anyway, the Fracker, come down, you'll love it, if you survive.

This is a ride, a Blackpool ride.

We just brought the mock-up of the ride,

we're part of the Blackpool Pleasure Beach crew.

It's creating this ride off the whole sort of fracking thing

-as one of the big earthquakes were really popular.

-It's not a problem.

We're doing the ride... in Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

No, this is the ride that we're doing. Is there anything we've missed?

Shall we put in some, like, some water that's really disgusting?

So you live in Blackpool? You might get an OBE, seriously.

So I'll leave it here for you cos you probably want it.

Having failed to convince the Scottish people to remain as part of the UK,

James and Barnaby have decided to try and win over Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond,

who happens to be a very strong advocate of independence.

Mr Salmond, lovely to meet you.

Hello, Mr Salmond, welcome to Britain.

We just wanted to ask you first of all about Scottish independence

-very briefly, if you could just...

-I'm in favour.

-You, really?

-Absolutely.

-Why do you want to be independent?

-Why not?

-All right, we've been sent from Number Ten, right,

to offer you a deal. If you stop this Scottish independence crap...

all right, then we'll make it worth your while, know what I mean?

-You mean, like in the peerages and things?

-Oh, yes, we could do that.

We can't promise anything but we've got you this England For England shirt with your name on the back.

Clegg could potentially sort you out and let me tell you,

selling out completely isn't as bad as everyone says it is.

And it makes you very unpopular, making decisions.

It's better not to be in power than to be in power. I've been very depressed.

Listen, Alex, what I'm saying to you is very, very simple.

You're not William bloody Wallace. You can take your land, but you'll never have your freedom.

-So you're going to take the deal?

-Nah, I can't do that.

But nonetheless, I'll tell Cameron to give you a job.

-Great, good, don't touch, don't touch.

-Nice to meet you, OK.

All right, take care. Britain forever.

I thought he was very nice.

I was expecting some sort of Scottish Nick Griffin.

Shut up, Barney.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd