Episode 4 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains some strong language.

Shades.

Very rare vinyl.

Something for the weekend.

Aw! Aw!

Oi, you fucker. Is that a bag of drugs?

Give it us! Give it us!

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm Dale Maily,

fearless hetero-journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news

as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think.

The spread of tuberculosis in British cattle

is on the increase and badgers are being blamed for it,

so the government has sanctioned a badger cull in order to kill

over 70% of these two-tone furry murderers.

But some scientists and badger-loving freaks argue the cull

won't eradicate the spread of TB and that there are other options.

Thank God Cameron and co are ignoring them.

-So you think badgers are your friends?

-Oh, yeah.

We used to support the Taliban and they turned against us.

-Will the badgers stay on your side?

-Oh, yes.

I bet you were against fox hunting

and now you're against badger hunting. What next,

stop me from chasing my wife around the house with a shoe?

I won't stop you chasing your wife round the house with a shoe.

No, you're not absolutely going to be able to do that.

-Does your mother know you're here?

-No?

Sure, some scientific studies have said that the cull won't stop

the spread of TB in cows but I'm damned if I'm going to let

left wing science get in the way of a good day's hunting.

Listen, last week I went badger hunting, all right?

I shot one in the leg and then I shot it in the head.

Then I stamped on its head. You're not going to tell me

that really makes me a bad person, are you?

-Of course it doesn't make you...

-Why not?

It makes you a sadistic little git.

And hunting of tigers.

Excuse me, have you got a beef with badgers?

Have you got a problem with the badgers?

You look like a lunatic left wing fascist.

-I think you look like a clear lunatic.

-Really, do you?

But I wouldn't tell you that. I'm a very polite person.

As you can see, an absolute sea of badger enthusiasts going past

Scotland Yard, no-one's going to arrest them,

what would Princess Diana say about this?

I'm here with Brian May,

lead guitarist of one of the biggest bands in the world,

they filled stadia and now he's protecting the badger cull.

What is this, Brian, a mid-life crisis, a cry for help?

That's a very silly question.

Listen, they killed 38,000 cows last year.

Clearly a hysterical left winger.

Cattle are dying of bovine tuberculosis.

-Spread by the terrorist badgers?

-No.

Badgers are just like immigrants.

They live in holes, breed like rabbits and carry disease.

They make me sick.

When multi-millionaire David Cameron began slashing public services,

he said we're all in it together.

What he didn't mention is that he has a £2.7 million house

in Kensington, a £960,000 house in Oxfordshire,

and access to a 1,000 acre grace and favour estate called Chequers.

So if we're all in it together, perhaps he won't mind me

popping round for a nice cup of tea.

-How's it going?

-All right.

-Just come to put up the no admittance signs.

-OK.

You could just shoot them.

You wouldn't actually need this if they do come in

and try and play croquet.

You could just jump straight to the shooting.

Have you been invited in for tea? No?

Have you? We're not in it together, are we?

They say the customer is always right but the head of budget airline

Ryanair, Michael O'Leary, calls his passengers idiots for forgetting

their boarding passes, then lands a 60 euro charge on them

to print them out, whilst insisting

that he doesn't want to hear their sob stories.

Yet with their recent record profits, is it really justifiable

to put all these additional charges on their customers?

Hey, guys, that's a lot of luggage. Where you headed?

Do you have your boarding pass with you?

1p, for a lift. We'll take you all the way. 1p.

We're trying to find a phone shop.

How about we take you in the rickshaw for 1p?

Let me take your bag, sir. Thank you, sir.

Yeah, that doesn't really fit.

OK, I've just got to check the size of your bag quickly, madam.

Oh, dear, that doesn't actually fit, does it?

Just an extra £20 sir.

-£20.

-Yeah.

That will be an extra £50.

-All right, I'll just walk.

-We have taken you more than a millimetre now

-so I'm going to have to charge you for that.

-What?

And unfortunately if you do have a complaint,

then you can really just stick it.

Sir, you can't leave the flight now. We're about to taxi.

You know how cheap Ryanair flights are?

Well, this is the same but just in rickshaws.

-Sorry about the turbulence, madam.

-Oh.

-1p.

-1p. Let's do it.

You've actually got some luggage here which is going to

cost you an extra £50 on top of the 1p.

Not sure if you realise that.

Oh, I'm not paying for that.

Well, I'm afraid you're aboard now, madam.

Where you headed to today?

-To my hostel, actually.

-OK.

-How much do you weigh, sir?

-Oh, I weigh like 65kg.

Oh, we do charge £10 per kilogram.

Obviously, tax is about £25.

Not if I'm not paying. Can I get out of here?

Bing bong. Passengers please remain in their seats,

we are about to experience some turbulence.

-Would you like to make a complaint now, sir?

-Yeah.

-OK, go for it.

-You're overpriced.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Earlier, I discovered that badgers

are killing cows by spreading tuberculosis.

That's a fact.

Now it's time to get deeper inside this story by hearing

from one of the soldiers on the front line of this war, a farmer.

And when we're still talking about the cull, just to be clear, what

we're talking about is a targeted killing, just the one shot, if

they can, straight to the head and just, that's it, good night, badger.

It won't be to the head because a badger's head is very tough.

What, it can maintain bullets?

It can ricochet a bullet, I would imagine.

You're dealing with an animal that would have your nose for breakfast,

-have your ear for lunch and eat your daughter for dinner.

-Absolutely.

We're going to climb over this fence

and go into the woods and actually try

and find an actual badger sett itself.

I'm going to let you climb over the fence, Dale.

I'm going to go through the gate.

And this is actually a badger hole?

Has anyone posited the idea of just throwing dynamite down there?

You can see their footprints.

It's just an occasion of waiting and flushing them out

and they've just burrowed through the roots.

Actually, I don't know if anyone's seen the pictures from Afghanistan,

the Tora Bora mountains where Al-Qaeda were initially hiding.

I'm going to pick up a stick and just find out.

-Don't do that. It's illegal.

-It's illegal to pick up a stick?

It's illegal to stick a stick down a badger sett.

And another two holes here.

We can't for legal reasons stick anything down, but goodness,

if it wasn't illegal, I would be doing it.

They're spreading like, you know, immigrants all over the country.

If we could gas the lot, then, we would.

An eighth hole.

But you don't really seem worried about this.

I'm so very concerned about this.

This is the countryside 7/7. We've got badgers all over the place.

How many badgers could be in here?

-Four or five badgers live in each.

-My God!

Having got to the heart of this story, what I've realised is

that what's at stake is that little cow's life.

And when I say stake, I mean a delicious T-bone.

This is Dale Maily getting inside the story.

Cadbury's chocolate might taste sweet but according to some reports

its previous owners attitude to tax may leave a nasty taste behind.

Despite British profits of £100 million

and a turnover of £1 billion, it's reported that between 2000

and 2010, Cadbury's used clever but legal means to ensure it paid

an average of just £6.4 million a year on its UK operations.

The Bilderberg Group is an assembly of the most powerful

and influential people in the world, whose annual

meetings are always the most secretive parties in town.

This year, they brought their shindig to Watford.

Only 140 people attended including the Chancellor, George Osborne,

and Marcus Agius, former chairman of Barclays.

As no-one ever finds out what happens inside,

conspiracy theorists, draw your own conclusions.

My name's Simon.

I'm the organiser of this year's Bilderberg after-party.

Interested in a rave, the Illuminati after-party? It's going to be huge.

The Bilderberg event's around the corner.

We're just promoting the event. Going to try and get a few fit girls down there.

Babe, you want to come to this event.

-Where?

-You into CEOs? Politicians?

Fat cats? Billionaires?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? House and garage?

-Yeah.

Illuminati after-party, babe.

It generally starts with a sort of quiet supper

and then people put their masks on.

It all gets a bit Eyes Wide Shut.

-Do you like men or women or goats or...?

-Goat's all right, yeah.

-Goats. Yeah. OK.

It's basically hedge fund managers

-that will want to have sex with you while rigging the Libor rate.

-Shut up!

Exchanging billions of pounds into secret accounts. We'll let you play PlayStation and then bring you

-out on a tray and let them do whatever they want to you.

-Lovely.

Can I get a BBCOMGWTF?

BMG OMG.

-Hello. Hello.

-BBC what?

-BBC what?

-Say that again.

What are you wearing tonight, sweetheart? You look absolutely fab.

-Oh, Burberry.

-Rich, you're such a silver fox.

How do you achieve such a fantastic look at your age?

Where is you entourage tonight, darling?

Can we workshop some questions?

Can I get a little kiss?

Rossy, welcome to BBCOMGWTF.

What a fabulous party. Are you excited?

Yeah, it should be a nice evening.

-But seriously, Edward Snowden, what would you do?

-Excuse me?

What would you do with Edward Snowden?

But seriously, what would you do about Syria?

Syria. That's not my problem.

-Global poverty?

-Erm...

-And who's going to save the Middle East?

-Shut up!

Is that an exclusive or...?

But seriously, is Tony Blair a war criminal?

Do you have any mobiles?

No. No mobiles.

-Keys.

-No.

-Anything with metal in your pockets or anything?

A sacrificial dagger.

All right, mate. Illuminati after-party.

It's going to be beheading a virgin.

Do you know if there are any virgins around here?

I need to source some for the Illuminati after-party.

-I am, actually.

-You're a virgin.

-Yeah.

-Oh, great. OK. Would you be up for being sacrificed?

-Yeah.

'Total nightmare trying to organise the guest list for Bilderberg.'

There's been a few changes to the guest list.

Ed Balls is off, OK.

He was never invited in the first place. That was a mistake.

What are they? Is that the fresh goats?

Is that the goats?

There's a new secret password. It's "ballsack".

Ken Clarke's trying to be funny.

We had Ed Miliband trying to climb over the fence down there.

We had to set the dogs on him. It's embarrassing, isn't it?

There should be some virgins arriving at three.

If you could just let them in because the sacrifice is

happening at 3:30 and we don't want to get things, you know, log-jammed.

'I'm Ewan Jeffries, Labour campaigner.

'I'm travelling all over the country to meet the people.

'You know, I listen when they say they want change,

'when they say they want a Labour government.

'So in 2015, I'm going to run for Parliament

'and this is my journey to Westminster.

'My name's Ewan Jeffries, man of the people and Labour's last hope.

'Today I'm attending the Tolpuddle Martyrs' Festival where every

'July, thousands of people come to Tolpuddle to celebrate

'trade unionism and socialism.

'With the Labour Party rooted in these beliefs, I'm hoping to

'show these working people how much their party values them.'

Having a great time. Great here. Such a good time.

All these people. Who said socialists smell?

Can you join a union even if you don't work down a mine?

-Yeah.

-Of course you can. Of course you can.

It's open to everybody.

And I suppose for the miners' strikes, you know,

were they organised on Facebook and stuff?

It was before then though, wasn't it?

-The miners' strike?

-Yeah.

That would have been before Facebook, yeah.

-I'm sorry. It would have been Myspace or something. Or Bebo, or something like that?

-The miners' strike?

'Later that day, I met Bob Crow, a trade union leader.

'Everyone here loves him so I wanted to find out what his secret was.'

I mean, I'm trying to speak to people here

because I'm going to run in 2015, the Labour Party, and find out

really what people really think is wrong, you know, with unions.

What about repealing the anti-trade union laws?

That's the first issue, that's what people are down here for.

Before Tony Blair, you know, do you think that the

unions were in a good place or do you think that he saved the unions?

Tony Blair saved the unions? How did he save the unions?

-Well, he did, didn't he?

-How?

Well, he was bloody good for the unions, wasn't he?

-Well, what did he do?

-Well, he just tried to help them out.

-He didn't help them out.

-No.

-Because he kept all the same anti-trade union laws in place.

-We're in trouble. We're in trouble.

-Who's in trouble?

Well, you know, Labour. We're in trouble. We're trying to make sure that, you know,

we get rid of this coalition and sort out the country, you know.

That's the most important thing, don't you think?

The only way you'll get sorted out is put some clear

policies down in favour of working people.

And what policies would you put down?

Well, number one, we'd kill the anti-trade union laws.

OK. Go on.

Renationalise the railways.

OK, renationalise. OK.

-Yeah.

-One million council houses.

-One million?

-Yeah.

'Boris argues that the public isn't interested in his private life.

'And he's imposed what might be called a blanket ban

'on talking about it.'

The difficulty is that one thing, you know...

one, our line of inquiry needs to meet another.

Well, I would LIKE to be...the lead singer

of an international rock group.

I mean that was my aim, or a guitarist.

I would love to have been a world famous painter or indeed a composer.

There are many, many things that I would like to have done

or to have been able to do.

I think it's a very tough job being Prime Minister.

Very tough job. I mean, obviously,

if the ball came loose from the back of a scrum...which it won't.

Of course, it'd be a great, great thing to have a crack at

but it's not going to happen.

Football is a great British tradition,

but extra penalty points go to Liverpool FC

who, during the '90s, bought up houses around their Anfield stadium

with a view to demolishing them for stadium development.

They then shelved those plans but left many of the houses empty,

turning the streets into a ghost town and driving the value of the remaining houses down.

Now they've blown the dust off plans to expand the stadium

and with the council pushing regeneration in the area,

the owners of the last remaining properties have little choice but to sell up -

and this is the club that claims to never let you walk alone.

Yeah, more of this, basically.

We're from Liverpool Relocations.

We're hoping people will leave their homes

so we can make this stadium bigger.

-Would you be willing for your house to be a burger stall?

-No. No.

This entire block here is actually going to be used

as a sort of red carpet for Luis Suarez to enter

the stadium, where petals will be thrown on the ground.

In fact, right now, this is technically a pitch invasion.

I'm going to have to book you.

You two don't even support Liverpool.

We make money out of Liverpool, which is a form of support.

I think it's wrong, what you two are doing now.

I'm a Liverpool fan but I support the club, I don't support you

knocking the stadium down just for the hell of expanding it.

-Great. Yeah.

-I think it'd be good here, actually.

Yeah. Put that over your head.

Yeah, I think so. I think that's a good look.

And if you could just kneel down.

Just copy your sister, this depression that I can see on her face.

So this is a new interactive installation

that we've just put in the museum.

You see the family here.

They're actually Liverpool fans, live in the local area.

They recently moved out of their homes for the expansion of the stadium.

-OK.

-So we just put them in the museum to sort of commemorate this

-proud part of our history.

-OK.

It's just about embracing every aspect of Liverpool's history.

Not just the Champion's League wins.

Someone's got to bear the brunt. Not going to be the players who are getting 100K a week, is it?

It's going to be the families who need to leave their homes.

And you know like You'll Never Walk Alone?

It's now going to be You'll Never Find A Home.

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first

coalition government since the end of World War II.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

Three years into the coalition

and we're following two of its lesser known MPs, Conservative

James Twottington-Burbage and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,

as they begin to feel the strain of

this political union's uncertain future.

-Hello.

-Hello.

The coalition government has begun to privatise

parts of the emergency services, including the police force,

the fire brigade and coastguard search and rescue.

Wanting a piece of the action, James has dragged Barnaby down to

Brighton where he's convinced they can make a quick buck or two.

A bunch of hippies, Barney, lying on the beach. Nothing to do.

Hello there, guys.

We're just here to inform you about some of the changes

that are happening to the search and rescue services.

As you may know, some of them have been privatised.

It's been done by the Royal Navy for the last 70 years.

We've got to try and make it a bit more profitable. I'm sure you can understand.

Will you be paying cash or credit card?

Are you going to be paying with a credit card or...?

-Sorry?

-I thought it was supposed to be a public service.

It's true, but there have been a lot of people taking advantage of the system.

They're called search and rescue scroungers.

Are you OK, madam?

Are you all right? You OK?

-Are you planning to swim?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Right, OK.

We can't guarantee your safety

unless you do go for the premium rescue.

Do you need saving? Are you OK?

We're just charging people against the risk that they could swim

and have a problem.

We haven't even got a life ring.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Well, I'm sure you were unhappy

with the search and rescue service as it was.

No, we were very, very happy.

We are fine, thank you.

But will you be fine when you're in the water, you get a cramp?

-That could be a serious problem.

-I'm not at risk. OK.

We saw you were in trouble. We came down and they're the kind of response times you can expect.

Can I just take your pulse, please?

At the moment we can't save you unless you pay extra.

I'm not asking you to save me.

No-one actually asks to be saved when in trouble.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I think he's in trouble, Barn.

Maybe he's not signed up to our premium rate scheme.

Just do it. Just save him, Barn. We'll take it from there afterwards.

-Just wait.

-Got you. Don't worry.

-We've got you.

-Don't worry, sir.

You're going to be fine.

-You're going to be all right.

-Hold on tight.

-Quickly.

-Let's get him onto land.

All right. Quickly. OK, good.

-He's safe.

-No, don't go back in!

-We just bloody saved you, mate!

We're not coming in the whole way. I don't want to get my shorts wet!

-Come on!

-Sorry!

-Jesus!

Qatar is one of the world's richest countries and has money invested

in several British institutions such as the London Shard,

the Olympic village, Harrod's, Sainsburys, and a sizeable chunk of Canary Wharf.

But according to human rights activists, due to arcane

attitudes and legislation, Qatar's migrant workers suffer

limitations on basic freedoms on a daily basis.

Practices that wouldn't be permitted

at the Qatari's British establishments.

My name is Shah De Al Harmoon and this is Qatar TV.

You got owned.

-You allow a lot of women here I see as well.

-Yeah.

And you don't even make the woman cover up.

-It is much shame in our country.

-In your country, not in our country.

You got owned!

This mannequins. Why are the ankles not covered?

I feel very strongly that unfortunately now

-we should cover them up.

-Right.

In fact maybe it is too late.

Maybe you just burn them. Is you OK with this?

I'm not the manager. I'm not in a position to do that.

You got owned.

Why is this lady working behind the counter?

-Sorry?

-I do not mean to be rude but I don't often speak to women.

I see your store manager, please.

Do you think maybe I would buy 30 of your workers

because you see mine have died in industrial accident last week?

-OK.

-You do not sell your migrant workers?

What sort of country is this?

You got owned.

How many people died in the construction of the building?

I don't know if anyone died in building it.

-No-one died in the construction of the building?

-I don't know.

-I don't think so.

-What is this Mickey Mouse operation?

You got owned.

An independent Scotland would start from a position of strength.

We have contributed more in taxes per person than

the rest of the UK for every single one of the last 32 years.

We have world class universities, an astounding heritage,

immense energy and natural resources and a skilled and inventive people.

We have huge hydrocarbon resources for the next half century.

Scotland's future is now in Scotland's hands.

When you think of Switzerland you think of cuckoo clocks,

cheese with holes and of course Walker's crisps. Well maybe not the latter.

But according to the company's corporate structure

although the great British crisps which Walker's proudly boast use

British potatoes, British cheese and British Gary Lineker

are made in the UK,

profits belong to an associated company in low-tax Switzerland.

Whilst the company's subsequently agreed

a £40,000,000 settlement with HMRC, its ingenious scheme is estimated to

at one time saved it between £10 and £20 million a year on its tax bill.

That's a lot of bags of Swiss cheese and onion by anyone's standards.

Yeah, looks great. Fantastic stuff. That's great. Hi.

Yeah, we've just got here. Yeah.

Well, this is part of the Swiss experience.

Yeah it's alpine. Just totally alpine.

We're rolling out the new Swiss cheese flavour with all

the tax loopholes in it.

Hi. Yeah, yeah, we're just leaving. Massively offshore.

No. It's gigantically offshore.

After their day out in Brighton,

James and Barnaby are back in London

to attend an anti-privatisation protest

being held by the fire service.

So, James, try and be nice and not piss off the firemen.

They are quite strong and they could hurt us.

The government plans to allow private companies to

take on services for local fire authorities.

Something that James and Barnaby fully support.

Especially as it could become a lucrative proposition.

Do you really need to be saving cats from trees?

You people in the Conservative Party...

-We know exactly what's going on. Exactly.

-You have no idea.

Finger on the pulse.

I mean you live in places like Knightsbridge.

-You've got people like Boris Johnson.

-Boris is a bloody good guy.

The reality is because of the Labour government,

we were left in an awful mess and something had to give.

What a load of crap.

Every minute, every second counts in a fire and people are going to die.

And you've seen Silvertown, you've seen Woolwich, where you've

seen instances where people nearly lost their lives over this.

So don't start lecturing a fireman or anybody else

about cuts ain't going to hurt lives, because it will.

What we could do is sort of maybe introduce

a type of insurance, so the right sort of people got helped,

not the wrong sort of people who maybe aren't contributing to so much

in society, you know, immigrants or some of the working class.

We want to speak to people about what the problem is.

They're shutting a few fire stations.

You've got to count your blessings.

At least we haven't cut 20 which is what could have happened.

Oh, go away, mate, before I hit you. Go away.

The fire service is an amazing brand. Look at this uniform.

Sexy as hell. Why don't we sell that brand

and make some money rather than just losing it?

Imagine if you were the Pepsi London Fire Brigade.

-How about that?

-How about if it was sponsored? Would you be interested in that?

-Sell the rights.

-No?

Hello everyone. Sorry.

First of all I'd just like to start by saying sorry.

We must count our blessings

and you guys are being treated far better than other public services.

-Look, just stop saying sorry.

-So I am sorry.

Having failed to get firemen on their side

James and Barnaby have decided to go straight to the top.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

is involved with policies relating to the fire service.

As such, James and Barnaby

are certain he'll appreciate their latest big idea.

Just wanted to give you this

-to help you raise some money for the fire service.

-How very jolly. Thank you.

-It's lovely, right?

-A sexy calendar.

And sort of you walking out of the flames surrounded by...

-Semi-naked men.

-Firemen we'd like to call them.

The opinion polls say the girls are going to love it.

The girls are going to go absolutely mad for this, I think, Eric.

Absolutely crazy.

Create some cash to plug that deficit gap.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd